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BS: Funny witticisms

Doug Chadwick 18 Dec 23 - 05:04 AM
Steve Shaw 18 Dec 23 - 05:47 AM
Donuel 18 Dec 23 - 06:34 AM
gillymor 18 Dec 23 - 01:09 PM
Steve Shaw 18 Dec 23 - 01:24 PM
meself 18 Dec 23 - 03:38 PM
Steve Shaw 18 Dec 23 - 07:59 PM
G-Force 20 Dec 23 - 06:07 AM
gillymor 20 Dec 23 - 06:27 AM
Doug Chadwick 20 Dec 23 - 06:45 AM
Steve Shaw 20 Dec 23 - 06:59 AM
gillymor 20 Dec 23 - 07:58 AM
G-Force 20 Dec 23 - 09:40 AM
Geoff Wallis 20 Dec 23 - 01:02 PM
Mrrzy 20 Dec 23 - 07:14 PM
Dave the Gnome 21 Dec 23 - 05:40 AM
Paul Reade 21 Dec 23 - 06:46 AM
Severn 23 Dec 23 - 11:25 PM
gillymor 24 Dec 23 - 09:42 AM
Steve Shaw 24 Dec 23 - 09:47 AM
The Sandman 24 Dec 23 - 03:03 PM
Steve Shaw 24 Dec 23 - 04:27 PM
The Sandman 24 Dec 23 - 04:57 PM
BobL 24 Dec 23 - 05:22 PM
Joe_F 24 Dec 23 - 05:29 PM
Bill D 24 Dec 23 - 06:48 PM
Doug Chadwick 24 Dec 23 - 06:51 PM
Steve Shaw 24 Dec 23 - 08:25 PM
Mrrzy 24 Dec 23 - 09:34 PM
The Sandman 25 Dec 23 - 02:58 AM
The Sandman 25 Dec 23 - 03:01 AM
Mr Red 25 Dec 23 - 03:46 AM
Doug Chadwick 25 Dec 23 - 04:03 AM
Steve Shaw 25 Dec 23 - 04:19 AM
Dave the Gnome 25 Dec 23 - 08:16 AM
Mrrzy 31 Dec 23 - 05:08 PM
Steve Shaw 31 Dec 23 - 09:35 PM
Mrrzy 01 Jan 24 - 02:16 PM
Steve Shaw 01 Jan 24 - 02:50 PM
Steve Shaw 01 Jan 24 - 03:59 PM
Donuel 02 Jan 24 - 09:06 AM
Donuel 02 Jan 24 - 10:35 AM
Steve Shaw 02 Jan 24 - 01:55 PM
Mrrzy 02 Jan 24 - 03:05 PM
Steve Shaw 02 Jan 24 - 06:22 PM
Steve Shaw 02 Jan 24 - 06:32 PM
Steve Shaw 02 Jan 24 - 07:42 PM
BobL 03 Jan 24 - 04:36 AM
Steve Shaw 03 Jan 24 - 05:26 AM
Donuel 03 Jan 24 - 06:48 AM

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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 18 Dec 23 - 05:04 AM

If I had to spend eternity in Heaven without being able to make music just for the love of it, that would be Hell for me.

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Dec 23 - 05:47 AM

I'm not quite sure what being "not good at music" means. The only exception being the ownership of a bodhran, of course.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Dec 23 - 06:34 AM

Ancient blues jazz and metal music


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 18 Dec 23 - 01:09 PM

Did you take a wrong turn, how did that facebook link wind up in this funny witticism thread?


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Dec 23 - 01:24 PM

I'm not arguing. I'm just explaining why I'm right. (on a t-shirt)


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: meself
Date: 18 Dec 23 - 03:38 PM

I don't know if this one was widespread or not; my apologies if everyone is familiar with it .... Anyway, for awhile you would see here and there someone wearing a tee-shirt displaying the statement, "I'm with Stupid", and an arrow pointing to one side. Then one day, I saw a woman with a tee-shirt that said, "I'm not with Stupid anymore."

What? Well, I thought it was funny!


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Dec 23 - 07:59 PM

Either you like bacon or you're wrong (another t-shirt).

Just been watching a programme about Billy Connolly. On stage, he was saying that Frank Ifield had turned to punk and had written a song called "I Remember You, You Bastard."


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: G-Force
Date: 20 Dec 23 - 06:07 AM

A couple of musicians' one-liners:

George Melly, while being driven past the rather splendid art-deco Hoover factory in north-west London: 'All that, just to suck up shit!'.

Ronnie Hawkins, when asked by Robbie Robertson how much he'd get paid if he joined the Hawks: 'You won't get much money, but you'll get more pussy than Frank Sinatra'.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 20 Dec 23 - 06:27 AM

After playing a set, jazz guitarist Jim Hall was approached by a fan who said "Your guitar sounded fabulous". Hall looked at the instrument on it's stand and responded "how does it sound now?".


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 20 Dec 23 - 06:45 AM

.... jazz guitarist Jim Hall ....

When I first heard it, it was Chet Atkins.

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Dec 23 - 06:59 AM

Speaking of George Melly, he's alleged to have said, having discovered that he'd become impotent, "It's wonderful, like being unchained from a lunatic."


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 20 Dec 23 - 07:58 AM

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.- Tom Waits


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: G-Force
Date: 20 Dec 23 - 09:40 AM

Another from Mr. Waits: Champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Geoff Wallis
Date: 20 Dec 23 - 01:02 PM

For the record, Tom Waits was not the originator of either of the above aphorisms.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Dec 23 - 07:14 PM

But I like the sham pain one.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 21 Dec 23 - 05:40 AM

What about sham poo?


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Paul Reade
Date: 21 Dec 23 - 06:46 AM

My favourite parliamentary one:-

Dennis Skinner MP: “Half the Tory members opposite are crooks”

Mr Speaker: “The honourable member MUST withdraw that remark”

Skinner: “OK, half the Tories are NOT crooks”


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Severn
Date: 23 Dec 23 - 11:25 PM

Isn't "funny witticisms" overly redundant?


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 24 Dec 23 - 09:42 AM

But probably not as redundant as "witty witticisms".

"It's no fun to drink alone, until you've had two or three".

Martin Mull (or was it him, who the hell knows)


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Dec 23 - 09:47 AM

Well I wanted the thread to be more amusing than not. Some witticisms are simply unfunny, so I reject that criticism!


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: The Sandman
Date: 24 Dec 23 - 03:03 PM

Never work with animals or children.
W. C. Fields


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Dec 23 - 04:27 PM

I use that one a lot, especially when precocious little brats are interviewed on the telly, especially the little smarties in school uniform. Buttock-clenching in the extreme. Give me animals any day.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: The Sandman
Date: 24 Dec 23 - 04:57 PM

but old father christmas has to work with both


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: BobL
Date: 24 Dec 23 - 05:22 PM

Whatever lights your tree....


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Joe_F
Date: 24 Dec 23 - 05:29 PM

The first mate wrote in the ship's log: "The captain was drunk this morning." The captain made it clear that that would not do, so the mate crossed out "drunk", wrote in "sober", and initialed the change.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Bill D
Date: 24 Dec 23 - 06:48 PM

Not exactly a witticism, but a funny mistake I saw when using closed captions on TV. Automated systems can be confusing.
A newscaster was explaining about Donald Trump's latest harangue to denigrate anyone who disagreed with him:

"Just last month the former president referred to his opponents as Vermont."
(Yes, the human said "vermin".)


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 24 Dec 23 - 06:51 PM

A couple seen on t-shirts:-

          SAVE THE PLANET
It's the only one with chocolate

------------- " -------------

    A DOG IS NOT JUST FOR CHRISTMAS
With a little imagination and a stock cube,
       it can last through to Boxing Day

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Dec 23 - 08:25 PM

Almost lost in the annals of time, when I was a teacher in Walthamstow we used a textbook called Biology For Life. Some Year 10 wag had added under the title, in thick felt tip, "Not just for Christmas."


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Dec 23 - 09:34 PM

If not funny, are they half-witticisms?


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: The Sandman
Date: 25 Dec 23 - 02:58 AM

P VICTOR HUGO


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: The Sandman
Date: 25 Dec 23 - 03:01 AM

Puns are the droppings of soaring wits Victor Hugo


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mr Red
Date: 25 Dec 23 - 03:46 AM

Some witticisms are simply unfunny, so I reject that criticism!

A pun-dit?

Cue a definition of hunour...........


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 25 Dec 23 - 04:03 AM

Another t-shirt one:-

So far, this is the oldest I've ever been.

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Dec 23 - 04:19 AM

"Cue a definition of hunour"

The art of acting like a Hun.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 25 Dec 23 - 08:16 AM

Seen on the wall of a gents bog

Nick fucks sheep

I'm Nick and I only fuck good looking sheep

I'm a sheep and I only fuck good looking Nicks

I'm a shepherd and while I was reading this someone nicked all my fucking sheep


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 31 Dec 23 - 05:08 PM

I am reminded of being with a Brit who parked too close to the corner. I said, you might get nicked. He admired my command of British slang, but I had meant Dented.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Dec 23 - 09:35 PM

"Boy trapped in refrigerator eats own foot" [Airplane!]


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 01 Jan 24 - 02:16 PM

... but don't worry about that now.

And don't call me Shirley!


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Jan 24 - 02:50 PM

"A hospital! What is it?"

"It's a big building with patients, but that isn't important right now..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Jan 24 - 03:59 PM

"The cockpit! What is it?"

"It's the little room in the front of the plane where the pilots sit. But that's not important right now."


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Jan 24 - 09:06 AM

While there is a highway to hell but only a stairway to heaven indicates where the traffic jams are.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Jan 24 - 10:35 AM

War is when both sides agree...














to be merciless


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Jan 24 - 01:55 PM

That is neither a witticism nor is it funny.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Jan 24 - 03:05 PM

A good compromise leaves both sides equally unhappy.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Jan 24 - 06:22 PM

Illegitimes non carborundum.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Jan 24 - 06:32 PM

I wept because I had no shoes
Until I met a man who had no class


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Jan 24 - 07:42 PM

Avoid disappointment: give up hope.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: BobL
Date: 03 Jan 24 - 04:36 AM

Once in a blue moon = 1.167 * 10^-8 Hz.
Two's company, three's fun.
Nine women can't make a baby in a month.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Jan 24 - 05:26 AM

My dad, a devout Catholic, once said that he'd start to believe in miracles at Lourdes when a one-legged man returned from Lourdes with two legs.


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Subject: RE: BS: editorial
From: Donuel
Date: 03 Jan 24 - 06:48 AM

Today modern prosthetics accomplish the miracle that Lourdes can not.


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