BS: Funny witticisms

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 18 Dec 23 - 05:04 AM

If I had to spend eternity in Heaven without being able to make music just for the love of it, that would be Hell for me.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Dec 23 - 05:47 AM

I'm not quite sure what being "not good at music" means. The only exception being the ownership of a bodhran, of course.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Dec 23 - 06:34 AM

Ancient blues jazz and metal music

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 18 Dec 23 - 01:09 PM

Did you take a wrong turn, how did that facebook link wind up in this funny witticism thread?

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Dec 23 - 01:24 PM

I'm not arguing. I'm just explaining why I'm right. (on a t-shirt)

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: meself
Date: 18 Dec 23 - 03:38 PM

I don't know if this one was widespread or not; my apologies if everyone is familiar with it .... Anyway, for awhile you would see here and there someone wearing a tee-shirt displaying the statement, "I'm with Stupid", and an arrow pointing to one side. Then one day, I saw a woman with a tee-shirt that said, "I'm not with Stupid anymore."

What? Well, I thought it was funny!

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Dec 23 - 07:59 PM

Either you like bacon or you're wrong (another t-shirt).

Just been watching a programme about Billy Connolly. On stage, he was saying that Frank Ifield had turned to punk and had written a song called "I Remember You, You Bastard."

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: G-Force
Date: 20 Dec 23 - 06:07 AM

A couple of musicians' one-liners:

George Melly, while being driven past the rather splendid art-deco Hoover factory in north-west London: 'All that, just to suck up shit!'.

Ronnie Hawkins, when asked by Robbie Robertson how much he'd get paid if he joined the Hawks: 'You won't get much money, but you'll get more pussy than Frank Sinatra'.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 20 Dec 23 - 06:27 AM

After playing a set, jazz guitarist Jim Hall was approached by a fan who said "Your guitar sounded fabulous". Hall looked at the instrument on it's stand and responded "how does it sound now?".

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 20 Dec 23 - 06:45 AM

.... jazz guitarist Jim Hall ....

When I first heard it, it was Chet Atkins.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Dec 23 - 06:59 AM

Speaking of George Melly, he's alleged to have said, having discovered that he'd become impotent, "It's wonderful, like being unchained from a lunatic."

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 20 Dec 23 - 07:58 AM

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.- Tom Waits

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: G-Force
Date: 20 Dec 23 - 09:40 AM

Another from Mr. Waits: Champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Geoff Wallis
Date: 20 Dec 23 - 01:02 PM

For the record, Tom Waits was not the originator of either of the above aphorisms.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Dec 23 - 07:14 PM

But I like the sham pain one.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 21 Dec 23 - 05:40 AM

What about sham poo?

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Paul Reade
Date: 21 Dec 23 - 06:46 AM

My favourite parliamentary one:-

Dennis Skinner MP: “Half the Tory members opposite are crooks”

Mr Speaker: “The honourable member MUST withdraw that remark”

Skinner: “OK, half the Tories are NOT crooks”

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Severn
Date: 23 Dec 23 - 11:25 PM

Isn't "funny witticisms" overly redundant?

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 24 Dec 23 - 09:42 AM

But probably not as redundant as "witty witticisms".

"It's no fun to drink alone, until you've had two or three".

Martin Mull (or was it him, who the hell knows)

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Dec 23 - 09:47 AM

Well I wanted the thread to be more amusing than not. Some witticisms are simply unfunny, so I reject that criticism!

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: The Sandman
Date: 24 Dec 23 - 03:03 PM

Never work with animals or children.
W. C. Fields

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Dec 23 - 04:27 PM

I use that one a lot, especially when precocious little brats are interviewed on the telly, especially the little smarties in school uniform. Buttock-clenching in the extreme. Give me animals any day.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: The Sandman
Date: 24 Dec 23 - 04:57 PM

but old father christmas has to work with both

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: BobL
Date: 24 Dec 23 - 05:22 PM

Whatever lights your tree....

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Joe_F
Date: 24 Dec 23 - 05:29 PM

The first mate wrote in the ship's log: "The captain was drunk this morning." The captain made it clear that that would not do, so the mate crossed out "drunk", wrote in "sober", and initialed the change.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Bill D
Date: 24 Dec 23 - 06:48 PM

Not exactly a witticism, but a funny mistake I saw when using closed captions on TV. Automated systems can be confusing.
A newscaster was explaining about Donald Trump's latest harangue to denigrate anyone who disagreed with him:

"Just last month the former president referred to his opponents as Vermont."
(Yes, the human said "vermin".)

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 24 Dec 23 - 06:51 PM

A couple seen on t-shirts:-

          SAVE THE PLANET
It's the only one with chocolate

------------- " -------------

    A DOG IS NOT JUST FOR CHRISTMAS
With a little imagination and a stock cube,
       it can last through to Boxing Day

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Dec 23 - 08:25 PM

Almost lost in the annals of time, when I was a teacher in Walthamstow we used a textbook called Biology For Life. Some Year 10 wag had added under the title, in thick felt tip, "Not just for Christmas."

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Dec 23 - 09:34 PM

If not funny, are they half-witticisms?

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: The Sandman
Date: 25 Dec 23 - 02:58 AM

P VICTOR HUGO

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: The Sandman
Date: 25 Dec 23 - 03:01 AM

Puns are the droppings of soaring wits Victor Hugo

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mr Red
Date: 25 Dec 23 - 03:46 AM

Some witticisms are simply unfunny, so I reject that criticism!

A pun-dit?

Cue a definition of hunour...........

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 25 Dec 23 - 04:03 AM

Another t-shirt one:-

So far, this is the oldest I've ever been.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Dec 23 - 04:19 AM

"Cue a definition of hunour"

The art of acting like a Hun.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 25 Dec 23 - 08:16 AM

Seen on the wall of a gents bog

Nick fucks sheep

I'm Nick and I only fuck good looking sheep

I'm a sheep and I only fuck good looking Nicks

I'm a shepherd and while I was reading this someone nicked all my fucking sheep

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 31 Dec 23 - 05:08 PM

I am reminded of being with a Brit who parked too close to the corner. I said, you might get nicked. He admired my command of British slang, but I had meant Dented.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Dec 23 - 09:35 PM

"Boy trapped in refrigerator eats own foot" [Airplane!]

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 01 Jan 24 - 02:16 PM

... but don't worry about that now.

And don't call me Shirley!

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Jan 24 - 02:50 PM

"A hospital! What is it?"

"It's a big building with patients, but that isn't important right now..."

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Jan 24 - 03:59 PM

"The cockpit! What is it?"

"It's the little room in the front of the plane where the pilots sit. But that's not important right now."

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Jan 24 - 09:06 AM

While there is a highway to hell but only a stairway to heaven indicates where the traffic jams are.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Jan 24 - 10:35 AM

War is when both sides agree...














to be merciless

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Jan 24 - 01:55 PM

That is neither a witticism nor is it funny.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Jan 24 - 03:05 PM

A good compromise leaves both sides equally unhappy.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Jan 24 - 06:22 PM

Illegitimes non carborundum.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Jan 24 - 06:32 PM

I wept because I had no shoes
Until I met a man who had no class

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Jan 24 - 07:42 PM

Avoid disappointment: give up hope.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: BobL
Date: 03 Jan 24 - 04:36 AM

Once in a blue moon = 1.167 * 10^-8 Hz.
Two's company, three's fun.
Nine women can't make a baby in a month.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Jan 24 - 05:26 AM

My dad, a devout Catholic, once said that he'd start to believe in miracles at Lourdes when a one-legged man returned from Lourdes with two legs.

Subject: RE: BS: editorial
From: Donuel
Date: 03 Jan 24 - 06:48 AM

Today modern prosthetics accomplish the miracle that Lourdes can not.