BS: Joke thread for 2024

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 18 Mar 24 - 04:47 PM

Are you a pole vaulter?

No, I am Dutch and how did you know my name was Valter?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Joe_F
Date: 17 Mar 24 - 10:16 PM

"What is 5Q + 5Q?"
"10Q."
"You're velcome."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Mar 24 - 02:00 PM

A vegan said to his wife, "People who sell meat are gross."

She replied, "People who sell fruit and veg are grocer..."

...

A pilot and his co-pilot were nearing the end of a rather wearisome long-haul flight and were relaxing with a bit of laddish banter. The pilot said, "What I really fancy right now is a good hard shag and a cup of coffee."

Unfortunately, he hadn't realised that he'd left on the intercom, so the passengers in the cabin had heard every word. The female flight attendant, who was at the rear of the cabin, realising what had happened, dashed up the cabin towards the cockpit door, hoping to tell the pilot to switch off the mic and limit further damage.

As she was about to reach the cockpit, a passenger called out to her, "Don't forget his coffee, darling!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 17 Mar 24 - 08:51 AM

It got so cold in Maine that the nudist camp put out a sign, "We are open but we are clothed".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 14 Mar 24 - 10:14 AM

This one's a bit off color (pun intended)-

What's the difference between pink and purple?

The grip.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MudGuard
Date: 11 Mar 24 - 04:56 PM

I could have continued with third woman and town, fourth/county, fifth/country, sixth/continent, seventh/planet, eighth/solar system, ninth/milky way ...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 11 Mar 24 - 11:01 AM

Nice one Mudguard :-D

A bloke is doing a bit of clearing out in the house when he comes across a shoebox in a cupboard. He opens it, and inside it he finds three eggs and two thousand quid.

"Look what I've just found," he says to the missus. "Any idea what it's all about?"

"Oh dear," she replies with a tear in her eye, "the thing is that every time I've been unfaithful to you I've put an egg in the box..."

"Oh well," he thought to himself, "just three times in fifty years of marriage...I suppose I can forgive that..."

Turning to his wife, he asks what all that money was doing in the shoebox.

"Well," she says, "every time I reach a dozen eggs I sell 'em..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MudGuard
Date: 08 Mar 24 - 02:14 PM

A woman got molested by a masked man at the tennis club, but can escape. Before she fled, she was able to make a photo with her smart phone of his "best" piece.

Police is called, and they try to find out who the man was.

So they ask the people present.

They start with two women who were close to the "place of action"

First woman they show the picture says: it's not my husband.

Second woman says: it's none of the club members ...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 07 Mar 24 - 05:14 PM

LOL :-D

They are all my cousins! You forgot Jude the Obscure but he was probably well hidden...

Bloke said to his wife, "Hey, the postman has just told me that he's shagged every woman in our street except one!"

"Huh," she replied, "I bet it's that stuck-up bitch at number 12..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 07 Mar 24 - 04:46 PM

Dave, don't forget some of your other namesakes- Jack the Ripper, Ivan the Terrible, Vlad the Impaler...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 07 Mar 24 - 03:35 PM

Same as me! :-D

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 07 Mar 24 - 05:38 AM

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? They have the same middle name.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 06 Mar 24 - 06:02 PM

Taste in jokes is as varied as taste in art.
I'm for liberty in humor even if its a fart.

A good fart could have saved that lost puppy.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 06 Mar 24 - 05:50 PM

She is now anti Bob;-D

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy
Date: 06 Mar 24 - 04:18 PM

Was Bob her uncle?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 05 Mar 24 - 08:32 AM

No pee, poop or fart was harmed in the following joke...

A woman had just got out of the shower and her husband had just got in it when the doorbell rang. She hurriedly wrapped the bath towel round and went down to answer the door. It was Bob, their next-door neighbour.

"Cor, look at you!" said Bob. "Fifty quid if you drop that towel!"

She obliged, and Bob handed over the fifty quid.

"Who was that at the door?" her husband called down.

"Oh, only Bob," she replied.

"Ah. Did he say anything about the fifty quid he owes me?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 05 Mar 24 - 08:25 AM

Jokers is the operative term, Don. Try telling a joke yourself for a change.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 05 Mar 24 - 08:02 AM

Butt jokes, tsk, tsk.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Mar 24 - 07:52 AM

lost puppy

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 05 Mar 24 - 07:30 AM

Ouchee!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Mar 24 - 07:26 AM

These pee poop and fart jokes are the best these jokers can do.
I suspect a second childhood is their problem.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 05 Mar 24 - 07:25 AM

Apologies to the denizens of one of my favorite states for this one-

The network passed on CSI: West Virginia. It would have too difficult for the investigators because there were no dental records and the DNA was all the same.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 04 Mar 24 - 06:00 PM

Guy picks up a girl at the nightclub. She invites him back to her place but warns him that they’d have to be really quiet because Mum and Dad would be sleeping in the next room.

They sneak up to her room and start to get undressed. Before they get completely naked though, the bloke announces that he needs the toilet.

“You can’t use the toilet up here,” said the girl, “The flush will wake my parents. You'll have to go downstairs and use the kitchen sink.”

So he sneaks downstairs and comes back 5 minutes later, “Have you got any toilet paper?”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 04 Mar 24 - 05:22 PM

Here's one from the recycle bin-

Why does Irish bean soup only have 239 beans?

Because if it had one more it would be too farty.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 03 Mar 24 - 10:00 AM

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandad. Not screaming in fear like 27 passengers on the bus he was driving :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 02 Mar 24 - 06:08 PM

Bloke got a job as a bus driver, to start on Monday morning at 9 prompt.

At 9.30 on the Monday in the depot, the bus inspector saw the bloke sitting at the wheel but not moving. "What's going on here? You were due to leave at 9!"

"I can't go yet - the bus conductor hasn't turned up..."

"'Bus conductor'? Good heavens, man, we did away with those decades ago! These days, you have to collect the fares yourself!"

So off he went. Four hours later, the bus, now two hours late, hadn't returned. The inspector got in his car and drove round the route and, to his horror, came upon the bus on its side in the village pond, the driver sitting on the grass in tears.

"What's happened here?" asked the inspector.

"I can't understand it, sir. I went upstairs to collect the fares and the next thing I knew the bus had crashed into the water!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 02 Mar 24 - 07:15 AM

My ex wife had much of what a man could want..... Hairy legs, hairy chest, beard.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 02 Mar 24 - 03:08 AM

Not at all Mrrzy but I think it should be limited to actual jokes!

Bloke walked into a pub and was amazed to see some men - and one dog - sitting at a table playing poker.  

Sez he to the barman, "That's one hell of a clever dog you've got there, playing poker?"

"Hmm, he's not as clever as you think," replied the barman. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 01 Mar 24 - 03:09 PM

I like a bit of bawdiness myself but attempted jokes about spewing on someone's chest crosses over into humorless smut, IMO.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy
Date: 01 Mar 24 - 03:02 PM

This thread is not limited to clean jokes, I hope...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 01 Mar 24 - 02:22 PM

A couple were making mad passionate love in his house when a text arrived on his phone. He had a quick look at it and put the phone back down, starting to carry on where he'd left off.

"What was it?" asked his girlfriend.

"Oh, nothing important. Just my wife telling me she was in the cinema with you."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 01 Mar 24 - 11:16 AM

Don's "joke" qualifies for a crude and unfunny thread.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 01 Mar 24 - 11:04 AM

> Is it possible to jettison the last 3 posts?

There used to be a special thread for that sort of thing iirc ....

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 01 Mar 24 - 10:09 AM

My ex wife once said...'Darling, tonight I am going to make you the happiest man in the world'. I said 'That's brilliant but you can do your own packing'

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 01 Mar 24 - 08:16 AM

Is it possible to jettison the last 3 posts?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 01 Mar 24 - 08:12 AM

Is this a porn site now?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Mar 24 - 08:00 AM

When I was a kid there was a TV cartoon called Care Bears.
“Them little teddy bears would lock arms and stare at a problem, and — I’m not even bullshitting — actual love would shoot out of their chests, and would dispel anything that was fucked up. And when we grew up, we wanted to be like those bears. And then we got our hearts broken, because we found out that life wasn’t going to let us do that, and it was impossible to shoot love out of your chest. However … I have shot love onto somebody’s chest before.”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 28 Feb 24 - 04:52 PM

150!

A couple were in the restaurant. They noticed that the waiter's fingers and thumbs were in the soup he brought them. They were annoyed but said nowt. But the same thing happened with the main course - his finger and thumb tips were in the gravy. They fumed but decided not to spoil a beautiful evening.

But when the puddings arrived with his digits in the custard, it was a bridge too far. "Oi, mate, what the hell do you think you're doing!"

"Well, I have arthritis in my fingers and thumbs and the doctor told me to keep them warm at all times..."

"That's disgusting! You'll get no tip from me and you can shove your arthritic fingers up your arse!"

He said, "I do, in between courses..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 27 Feb 24 - 04:38 PM

That is pretty much the point Reinhard.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Reinhard
Date: 27 Feb 24 - 03:44 PM

That's not a joke but a description of an egoistic a**hole.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 27 Feb 24 - 03:17 PM

I got home from the pub four hours late last night.

“Where the hell have you been?” screamed my wife.

I said, “I’ve been playing poker with some blokes.”

“Playing poker with some blokes? Well that does it! You can pack your bags and go!”

“So can you,” I said. “This isn’t our house any more.”

Later on I said "I'm going back to the pub. Get your coat on."

"Oh, are you taking me?" She asked

"No, I'm turning the heating off."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 27 Feb 24 - 12:31 PM

When Viagra first came onto the market, I went to the local pharmacist and asked her to tell me how it worked and what it really did. She gave a great run-down for me and I decided to buy some....I asked, 'Can I get it over the counter'?.... She said 'Well maybe if you took two'

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 27 Feb 24 - 10:19 AM

From the collective collection...

A bloke phoned the vet in a blind panic and shouted down the phone, "Quick! My dog's just swallowed a condom!"

"Right," said the vet, "Don't worry - stay there and I'll be round in ten minutes..."

Five minutes later he phoned the vet again and said in a much calmer tone, "It's OK, you don't need to come now. I've just found another one in the top drawer..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Feb 24 - 09:27 AM

Walking by a church, saw a group of people, some in black, some in pastels, some laughing, some crying... couldn't tell if it was a wedding or a funeral.

Then I saw the hearse. It was a dead giveaway.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 27 Feb 24 - 07:35 AM

Ahh

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 27 Feb 24 - 07:32 AM

Nah, it was Dave Shawt (Gerrit - shawt - gnome)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 27 Feb 24 - 06:49 AM

Actually it was Stave the Gnome.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Feb 24 - 06:31 AM

The dog joke tacitly brings up a feature of AI.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 27 Feb 24 - 05:56 AM

OK, I'm wrong! It wasn't exactly word for word, so maybe it was your retelling, Dave, but my money is still on Steve.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 27 Feb 24 - 05:48 AM

You will have to guess who that is from. Adds to the fun :-D

My bet is on Steve, as he posted the same joke, word for word, back in September

DC