BS: Joke thread for 2024

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 24 Feb 24 - 02:12 PM

You still don't understand do you Don.

Juvenile pee or poop JOKES = OK on a joke thread

Dons insane ramblings = Don't belong anywhere

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 24 Feb 24 - 11:09 AM

Doctor, do you realize you have a suppository behind your ear!
I know, and somebody's got my pen and I'm not sure I want it back.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 24 Feb 24 - 09:28 AM

My ex wife always told me when she had enjoyed making love.....she even phoned me once from Hong Kong

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Feb 24 - 07:07 AM

Typical juvenile pee or poop joke. Be glad it's not yours Dave.


Did you hear about the parents who murdered 14 babies by throwing them out with the bathwater in Alabama?

OMG THAT'S AWFUL

They had an accomplice who washed out the petri dishes at the IVF clinic.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 24 Feb 24 - 04:59 AM

Another from Steve :-D

Bloke went into a bakers, and he said, "I'll have a couple of those rolls in the window there please."
The baker grabbed a pair of tongs and a paper bag and took the rolls out from the window and put them in the paper bag.
"And could I have two of those small cakes there in the window please."
"Certainly, sir." The baker took another paper bag, and with his pair of tongs he took the two cakes out of the window, and put them carefully in the paper bag.
"I must say," said the chap, "I'm very impressed by the fact that you use tongs to handle everything and don't touch things with your hands."
"Oh yes," said the baker, "we always attend very carefully to hygiene in this shop. No human hand ever touches our foods!"
The chap said, "I can't help noticing, though, that you have a long piece of string hanging from the front of your trousers. What's that all about?"
"Ah," said the baker, "if need to go for a wee, I don't like to touch anything 'down there' for hygiene reasons, so I pull the piece of string and my old man simply pops out and I can have a wee!"
"Wow, that's very hygienic," said the chap. "Just one little thing, though. How do you manage to put your, er, 'old man' back in again once you've had a wee?"
"No problem," said the baker. "I just use these tongs... "

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 23 Feb 24 - 09:50 AM

I asked my wife to let me know next time she has an orgasm.
She said she doesn’t like to bother me when I’m at work.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 Feb 24 - 09:16 AM

My ex wife told me that she had a kettle, an iron, a toaster, an electric oven, electric can opener, electric mixer and an electric juicer but had nowhere to sit in the kitchen....I bought her an electric chair.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 23 Feb 24 - 05:21 AM

Here's Steve's contribution to raise the bar:-D

Out there in the Wild West, a bloke charged into the saloon bar in panic, "Hey folks! Big Earl is a-ridin' into town!"

Panic engulfed the bar, and within thirty seconds the bar was emptied as everyone fled. All except for bartender, who was new around there. He'd never heard of Big Earl and wondered what the fuss was about.

Just then, this huge bloke, six foot eight and built like a brick shithouse, burst into the saloon, breaking off the swing doors, smashing chairs and grabbing the bartender by the throat.

"WHISKY!" he roared. The terrorised bartender put a bottle of whisky and a glass on the counter. The guy brushed the glass aside, ripped the top of the bottle off with his teeth and swigged the whole bottle down in two big gulps.

"Is there anything else I can get you sir?" trembled the bartender.

"No thanks, gotta run. Big Earl's a-ridin' into town..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy
Date: 22 Feb 24 - 09:06 PM

Make Orwell fiction again! Bwahahahah!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 22 Feb 24 - 04:58 PM

I don't get it.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Thompson
Date: 22 Feb 24 - 02:07 PM

These are terrible jokes. Up your standard, lads, please.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 20 Feb 24 - 12:47 PM

Distress (v): to give a hippie a haircut.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 20 Feb 24 - 05:45 AM

I once paid £120 for my ex wife to have a facepack.....For awhile she looked really beautiful.... but then they took the facepack off.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mr Red
Date: 20 Feb 24 - 03:36 AM

Baseball cap - One for the Trump threads   available here

"Make Orwell Fiction Again"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy
Date: 19 Feb 24 - 10:05 AM

Militant atheist Tshirt I didn't buy:

There's no goddamn god, god damn it!

Militant agnostic ditto: I don't know and you don't, either.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 17 Feb 24 - 11:06 AM

This one's a bit off color-         

A woman took her Great Dane to the vet and unexpectedly ran into one of her friends in the waiting room.
"Hi, what are you doing here?" she asked.
"I'm having my Poodle fixed because he's so randy that every time I bend over he tries to mount me."
"Oh, mine's always trying to mount me as well."
"So, are you also having him fixed?"
"No, I'm having his nails clipped."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 17 Feb 24 - 08:33 AM

A man rushes into the house and calls out to his wife:
"Pack your bags. I've just won the jackpot on the lottery!".

"That's fantastic" says his wife. "Should I pack for the mountains or the coast?".

"I don't care" he replies. "Just pack your bags and go!".

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 17 Feb 24 - 08:09 AM

I asked my ex-wife what she would do if I won the lottery.....she replied.' I would take my half and leave you'!!, I said 'Great I won £100, here's your £50 now go!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Feb 24 - 05:31 AM

Couple of seasonal jokes from Steve

Pantomime horse walks into a bar. Barman says, would you like a pint? Horse says, no, two halves please

I used to have a job as the front end of a pantomime horse, but I quit while I was a head.

:-D

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Feb 24 - 05:41 PM

Some jokes are deeper than others.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Joe_F
Date: 14 Feb 24 - 05:29 PM

Mr Red: That's no joke. Kipling wrote a fine poem on that theme. I'd post it if I knew how to dig it up.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mr Red
Date: 14 Feb 24 - 09:11 AM

Seen - a placard carrying protester on a video

"Please Jesus, protect me from your followers"

a nice variation on the epithet "Thank God I'm an atheist"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 14 Feb 24 - 08:47 AM

Two psychics meet on the street and one says "your ok how am I".

sorry

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy
Date: 13 Feb 24 - 07:12 PM

Oh, I had totally forgotten this joke!

Two sociologists are walking down the street, and see someone lying in the gutter, bleeding, having been severely assaulted. One sociologist turns to the other and says, whoever did this needs our help!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 13 Feb 24 - 05:06 PM

Christmas joke:-

Three men were killed in a car crash on Christmas Eve. They reach the gates of Heaven and St. Peter says if you you can show me something that represents Christmas I will give you free pass.
The first guy pulls a cigarette lighter from his pocket and says "candles". The next one pulls some keys from his pocket, shakes them and says "bells". The last guy is fumbling around in his pockets and finally pulls out a pair of ladies panties and says "these are Carols".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 13 Feb 24 - 02:58 PM

Do you like Dickens?

Dunno, I've never been to one

100!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 13 Feb 24 - 01:38 PM

Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which the other replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 13 Feb 24 - 01:22 PM

I got dumped at the local petrol station... now I can't drive past without filling up

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 13 Feb 24 - 11:37 AM

Well, I suppose it's an attempted joke anyway.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 13 Feb 24 - 11:15 AM

.... Melania is relieved :-) ?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 13 Feb 24 - 10:49 AM

Trump has four directions: left right and up and down
Just that on the left, there’s nothing right;
On the right, there’s nothing left...
When he's wrong he goes up in the polls
when he goes down Melania is disgusted

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 11 Feb 24 - 10:06 PM

Observation from the late great Fritz Spiegl (misquoted from memory):

English is a terribly directional language. It's better to be in a car which breaks down going at seventy in the fast lane of the M1 than to be in a car which breaks up going at seventy in the fast lane of the M1.

MaJoC's riposte:

On the other hand, it's better to be sent up in front of a capacity crowd by a man in a dress and a strange wig than to be sent down in front of a capacity crowd by a man in a dress and a strange wig.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 11 Feb 24 - 05:46 PM

The joke, although sick, was actually a joke. A far cry from the rest of your post, Don. When will you accept that you just don't understand what this thread is about?

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 11 Feb 24 - 05:34 PM

Another unfunny dude. Surely you can a less sleazy source to steal from.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 11 Feb 24 - 04:51 PM

That was a Ricky Gervais joke. The rest is how you guys act.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 11 Feb 24 - 09:21 AM

I didn't think it possible but you're regressing, Don.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 11 Feb 24 - 09:16 AM

Sigh...

Subject: RE: BS:Mudcat Joke for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 11 Feb 24 - 09:08 AM

What did the paraplegic orphan deaf dumb and blind kid get for Xmas?
...cancer...
Thats not funny.
Sure it is.
How is that funny?
You see the joke is on cancer.
Fuck you.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 10 Feb 24 - 11:38 AM

lol

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy
Date: 10 Feb 24 - 11:04 AM

People who confuse etymology and entomology bug me so much I can't find the words...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 08 Feb 24 - 08:52 AM

Fresh off the block ....

Mondegreen: the hearing equivalent of an optical delusion.

Pun: ditto, with mischief aforethunk.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 02 Feb 24 - 05:01 AM

A facebook post told me that sleeping with your pet can help build your immune system to allergies, can help you to feel more comforted in general life and to bond better with your pet. I can tell you... I tried it.... I almost drowned and ended up swallowing my goldfish

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy
Date: 01 Feb 24 - 05:29 PM

Three logicians sit down at a bar. The bartender asks "Do all three of you want a beer?"

The first logician says "I don't know"

The second logician says "I don't know"

The third logician says "Yes"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 29 Jan 24 - 04:04 PM

Life's a beach...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 Jan 24 - 02:27 PM

I meant life, not like.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Bill D
Date: 28 Jan 24 - 06:43 PM

The teacher is conducting vocabulary lessons.

"Today's word is 'frugal'. Does anyone know what it means?"
Silence... "Well, it means 'saving'. Johnny, can you tell up how it can be used?"

Johnny thinks for a minute.. "Um, a famous knight was riding out one day when he saw a maiden being attacked by a dragon!
She saw him and cried out "Frugal me! Frugal me!".. so he killed the dragon and frugaled her, and they lived happily ever after!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Thompson
Date: 28 Jan 24 - 03:30 PM

While we're being biblical, an old, old Dublin joke:

Why did the ten leppers stand afar off?*
To get a good run for the lep.


* Luke 17:11-19

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 28 Jan 24 - 11:03 AM

Stolen from the Comments section of The Register (re salt in tea):

> Most butter in Tibet is rancid

According to my in-depth studies of an old Journal Of Record[1], the supply of Tibetan rancid yak butter has been endangered by the import of modern detergents, as the yaks are no longer rancid.

[1] The Beano

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy
Date: 28 Jan 24 - 09:21 AM

Like is slow on beaches, Dave!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 28 Jan 24 - 03:29 AM

Ahhhhhh. Just got it. Yes, I am a but slow :-)