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BS: Joke thread for 2024
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 28 Jan 24 - 02:42 AM I don't get that one. Sorry Mrrzy :-( Maybe I'm a bit slow today! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Mrrzy Date: 27 Jan 24 - 10:27 PM Why? Kiki said so! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 27 Jan 24 - 03:18 PM I just burned my Hawaiian pizza. I should have cooked it on aloha temperature! :-D |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 25 Jan 24 - 08:09 AM By me too :-D |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Charmion's brother Andrew Date: 25 Jan 24 - 08:06 AM Nicked for future use, Georgiansilver. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: gillymor Date: 23 Jan 24 - 11:04 AM My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse. Then she told me to take off her skirt. Then she told me never to wear her clothes again. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 23 Jan 24 - 08:02 AM :D:D:D |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Georgiansilver Date: 23 Jan 24 - 06:19 AM At the time of The Flood it was decided that the koi Carp deserved their own ark so Noah built one with a few levels allowing the Koi to swim freely up and down. It had to be towed behind the main ark on a very long rope. They needed the protection of their ark but also deserved some freedom so the koi would sometimes go off on a little adventure and when they came back they would tell Noah where they'd been and what they'd done. Noah looked forward to this and day after day there was a new story for him. This was probably the very first multi-storey carp ark. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: gillymor Date: 22 Jan 24 - 03:24 PM Joke thread, Don, JOKE thread! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 22 Jan 24 - 11:08 AM There is a thread for Trump stuff, Don. What do you think would happen if I started shitting all over that? Maybe you should read How to write a joke |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Donuel Date: 22 Jan 24 - 11:00 AM Another Donuel parody: After one whole term of being lazy Like an old man, he's half asleep Now it seems that he's half crazy but is as mean as a lying creep Trump is not a new sensation He's done pretty well I think But this half-ton imitation is circling right down the sink He's wild again, beguiled again A simpering, whimpering child again Bewitched, bothered, and bewildered is he He's a lot like villain John Wilkes Booth He tweets DON'T BELIEVE what our eyes see Bewitched, he's allergic to the truth Lost the vote, but so what of it He is old I agree He can laugh, and we love it Although the laugh's on me Pastors sing to him, folks bring to him Donations for lawyers that cling to him Bewitched, bothered, and bewildered is he He's a fool and don't I know it But a fool can have his charms He's confused and he really shows it Revenge will be his harm He's the same old sad sensation Lately, I've not slept a wink Since this half-ton imitation Washed rights right down the sink He's sinned a lot; I mean a lot He's like a repeat craven felon Bewitched, bothered, and bewildered is he The fringe loves him, but I CRINGE from him Some worship the red tie that clings to him Bewitched, bothered, and bewildered is he When he talks, he is seeking Hatred to get off his chest with his word salad speaking, he's at his very best Vexed again, perplexed again As God, he wants us obsessed again Bewitched, bothered, and bewildered is he Wise at last, my eyes at last Are cutting him down to size at last Bewitched, bothered, and bewildered no more Burned a lot, we've learned a lot And now he thinks he beat Barak, Bewitched, bothered, and bewildered no more For all we know he is dyspeptic Sanity is a real no-go I hope the election's antiseptic and he's locked up in Mara Lago Donald Trump, finis, your chance, finis Those ants that invaded our House, finis Bewitched bothered and bewildered no more. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 22 Jan 24 - 10:08 AM > a copper kettle Does that make John the patron saint of moonshiners? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 22 Jan 24 - 04:43 AM The Lord said unto John, "come forth". But he came fifth and won a copper kettle |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 21 Jan 24 - 05:17 PM OK, here's one for the oldies ....
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 21 Jan 24 - 05:01 PM Still not getting it, Don? What is it that you don't understand about jokes? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Mrrzy Date: 21 Jan 24 - 04:29 PM Um, Greg? Sweat? Tout de suite? Sorry! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Donuel Date: 21 Jan 24 - 03:53 PM Give us a voice from the future Dave. Maybe something from Marvel. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 21 Jan 24 - 03:43 PM Hey, they were nearly jokes, Don. You just need to work on getting a funny bit in there somewhere. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Donuel Date: 21 Jan 24 - 03:40 PM Voices from the future: 130 degrees isn't that hot you cupcake. Just stay hydrated... What do you mean there is no water? Who knew that Christian Fascism wouldn't be good for Christians, fascists, or anyone else? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 21 Jan 24 - 07:45 AM I did that one on an older joke thread! I heard the Lancashire version from the Oldham Tinkers but it's always good to be reminded of it :-) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Captain Swing Date: 21 Jan 24 - 07:18 AM We had a new neighbour move in last month, he'd come from West Yorkshire. One night I heard him in his garden shouting "Grieg!, Grieg! Grieg!" I went out, introduced myself and asked him why he was shouting "Grieg!" He said "Am calling t'dog. That's is name." I said, "That's an unusual name for a dog. Why did you choose it?" He said, "Because he likes t'pee againt suite! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Donuel Date: 19 Jan 24 - 12:57 PM Steven Wright. I had a skylight installed in my ceiling. My upstairs neighbors were furious. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: gillymor Date: 19 Jan 24 - 09:20 AM That's a good one, Don, sounds like something George Carlin would've come up with. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Donuel Date: 19 Jan 24 - 07:35 AM Jesus loves you because he doesn't know you. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 17 Jan 24 - 11:19 AM I know Cecil Sharp House is called "C♯ House" by its friends. It's just occurred to me to wonder: Did Cecil live in D♭ at the top? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 11 Jan 24 - 01:48 PM What do the d9nkeys on Blackpool beach get for dinner? Half an hour like everyone else |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Bill D Date: 11 Jan 24 - 09:04 AM Jack was from a poor family with many siblings. As the eldest child, he took up the responsibility of helping his parents financially by doing odd jobs, be it collecting recyclable scraps, cleaning, babysitting, dog walking or simple repair work. He had no choice but to drop out of high school at the age of 14 to work full time in order for his other siblings to have a chance at higher education. His hard work, dedication and skill with tools led him to be hired by a small local repair shop. There he learnt to repair almost every electric equipment under the sun. The shop owner was so impressed at his ability to learn different trades, that he even sponsored Jack to attend a few courses. However, being a small shop, the owner couldn’t afford to pay him a large salary. Jack was used to being frugal by now and saved whatever money he had to be used for his sibling’s education. His only luxury was eating naan at an Indian restaurant only a monthly basis. Realising that he could save a lot more if he cooked the naan himself, Jack bought himself a hot cast skillet, looked up a few recipes and began cooking. He tried and tried, altering the recipe and cooking method ever so slightly until he finally found the perfect naan recipe. Jack first let his siblings try the naan he cooked, then slowly began selling them to his neighbours. Seeing a market for his naan, he opened up a small store by the road side and sold naan. His naan business flourished. He soon earned enough to send his siblings to university and open up a small shop by himself. There were many blunders and mistakes made when he first managed his own restaurant, but once he got the hang of it, he had enough money to open more and more outlets. He soon had 25 outlets nationwide. His rags to riches story drew the attention of media. When asked on his success, Jack grinned from ear to ear and replied “I’m Jack of all trades, master of naan”. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: gillymor Date: 11 Jan 24 - 08:24 AM Installing mirrors is a job I can see myself doing. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 11 Jan 24 - 07:42 AM I think it is probably a hillbilly type keep it in the family reference, Steve. A bear comes limping into a saloon in the wild west. "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Steve Shaw Date: 09 Jan 24 - 08:10 PM ? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Mrrzy Date: 09 Jan 24 - 07:38 PM What, don't they think you're good enough for your Pa?! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Steve Shaw Date: 09 Jan 24 - 12:26 PM "Mummy, mummy, all the kids at school are teasing me because I’m still a virgin!” "Well, lad, go back and start giving them bad marks for their essays and they’ll stop.” |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Georgiansilver Date: 09 Jan 24 - 06:06 AM Woman took her two dead monkeys to the taxidermist to get them stuffed. The taxidermist asked 'Do you want them mounted'? She replied 'No thanks, just holding hands' |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Steve Shaw Date: 08 Jan 24 - 06:47 PM A Yorkshireman's beloved dog has just died. He goes to the jewellers. "Eyup, lad, can tha mek me a gold statue o' me whippet?" "Certainly, sir. Would you like it eighteen carat?" "Nay, yer daft bugger. Just chewin' a bone..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 08 Jan 24 - 11:13 AM Yorkshire couple on a coach tour of Wales "Whats that building over there?" "Tintern Abbey" " 'tis an abbey..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Steve Shaw Date: 08 Jan 24 - 10:29 AM Hmm. I've never tried pork scratchings with chips... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 08 Jan 24 - 10:17 AM Bloke goes in a cafe and orders pissoles and chips "Oh, sorry", says the owner. "That's a misspelling. It should be an 'r', not a 'p'" "OK. I'll have arseoles and chips then" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Steve Shaw Date: 06 Jan 24 - 06:35 AM The chief constable was interviewing three candidates for the job of detective. He called the first one in, showed him a photo and said, "This is a photo of a suspect. Look closely and tell me what you make of it." "Well, sir, the man has only the one eye." "You fool! It's a profile photo and you can't see his other eye! Get out!" He called in the next candidate, showed him the photo and asked him the same question. "Well, sir, he's got just the one ear..." "Idiot! There's no way you can tell that from his profile! Get out!" In came the third candidate and he was asked the same question. "Well, sir, this man wears contact lenses." The chief constable pored over the photo and he couldn't see how the chap could have made such an assertion, but he decided to check the suspect's records. He discovered that the suspect did indeed wear contact lenses. "That's quite remarkable," he said to the candidate, "Tell me, how did you work that one out?" "Well, sir, as he's got only one eye and one ear there's no way he could wear ordinary specs..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Sol Date: 05 Jan 24 - 05:47 PM I bumped into an old work mate from the sawmill the other day. He gave me a high two. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Georgiansilver Date: 05 Jan 24 - 09:49 AM My barber doesn't cut hair any longer....... he does cut it shorter. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Steve Shaw Date: 05 Jan 24 - 06:53 AM Bloke rings up his doctor, "Doc, I think my son's got the clap. Thing is, the only person he's ever shagged is our cleaning lady." "Don't worry, old chap, just bring him in and we'll sort it..." "Thing is, doc, I've been shagging her as well and now I've got symptoms too..." "Don't worry, both come in and we'll sort you out..." "But doc, I think my wife's also got it..." "Oh shit!" sez the doc, "That means we've all got it!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: gillymor Date: 05 Jan 24 - 05:50 AM I don't drink anymore... I don't drink any less, either. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 05 Jan 24 - 05:35 AM I gave up drinking once. Worst 2 hours of my life. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Steve Shaw Date: 05 Jan 24 - 05:01 AM I'm a dry Good Friday morning man myself. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: G-Force Date: 05 Jan 24 - 04:21 AM ... which is why I prefer dry February. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Steve Shaw Date: 04 Jan 24 - 08:58 PM Not a joke as such, but today at the Morrisons checkout (I was buying, er, several bottles of wine...), the lady doing the checkout told me she'd thought of doing dry January but had changed her mind. "Excellent," said I, "It's a very silly idea anyway!" She said she'd decided to do "dry Lent" instead. I had to inform her of that thing she hadn't thought about, that January has only 31 days whereas Lent has forty days and forty nights. She went all quiet on me. I'll be back tomorrow to see whether she's altered her thinking... :-) (I forgot to get mozzarella anyway!) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Steve Shaw Date: 04 Jan 24 - 08:43 PM Two old blokes were having a natter. One sez, "You know, my biggest regret is that I never had a proper education, so I'm going to sign up at the local college." So off he goes, and the dean says to him that he can sign up for English, maths, history and logic. "Logic?" Sez he, "What's that??" "Well let me give you an example. Have you got a weed wand?" "Well yes..." "Well I conclude from that that you have a garden." "Well yes I do!" "And from that, I conclude that you have a house." "That's true!" "And from that I conclude that you have a family." "Wow, right again!" "So you have a wife..." "Absolutely - right again!" "So you must be heterosexual." "Gosh, right again!" He goes back to his friend and tells him that he's signed up for English, Maths, history and logic. "Logic?" Sez his friend, "What's that?" "Well, I'll give you an example, right? Have you got a weed wand?" "Er, no..." "Jaysus, you queer!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Steve Shaw Date: 04 Jan 24 - 08:21 PM A bloke was at the pearly gates, hoping to get into heaven. St Peter sez to him, "Not sure about you. Have you ever done a really good deed with which you can impress me?" "Well, there was this vulnerable young woman who was being seriously harassed by three big bikers. I went up to the biggest one, kicked him in the nuts and told the other two that if they pestered the girl again they'd have me to answer to." "Wow, that's mighty impressive! So when did this happen?" "Two minutes ago." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Steve Shaw Date: 04 Jan 24 - 08:10 PM A blind man went into a bar with his guide dog. All of a sudden, to the horror of everyone in the bar, he grabbed the dog's tail with both hands and swung the dog round his head. "Oi, mate, what do you think you're doing!" shouted the barman. "Nothing really," said the bloke, "Just looking around..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: gillymor Date: 04 Jan 24 - 12:22 PM Stop me if you've heard this one- Doctor: Mr. Jones, I'm afraid you only have only 6 weeks to live. Jones: Oh God what terrible news! Doctor: It could be worse. Jones: HOW, how in heaven's name could it be worse? Doctor: Well, it could have been me. Another oldie- Tom was at the hospital visiting with his best friend Larry who was dying. Tom asked, "If there is baseball in heaven will you come back and tell me?" Larry nodded yes just as he passed away. That night while Tom was sleeping, he heard Larry's voice in a dream, "Tom..." "Larry! What is it?!" asked Tom. "I have good news and bad news from heaven." "What's the good news?" "There is baseball in heaven after all, but the bad news is you're pitching on Tuesday." |
