BS: Joke thread for 2024

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 27 Jul 24 - 03:16 AM

> "Hillbilly Algae"

"In tyop veritas" meets "spiel chequer".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Norval
Date: 25 Jul 24 - 12:50 AM

TV Closed Captioning Un-Intended Humor

Donald Trump's VP running mate JD Vance has written a book titled "Hillbilly Elegy"
CNN closed captioning service misinterpreted the title and renamed it "Hillbilly Algae"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 18 Jul 24 - 07:32 AM

My ex wife once stood in front of our full length bedroom mirror, naked, and said 'Mike, I have thinning hair, wrinkles on my forehead, crows feet round my eyes, chicken skin on my neck, My boobs are sagging and have stretch marks, my belly has sagged and also has stretch marks. I have cellulite on my thighs and corns on my feet. Can you tell me something good about me'?> I said 'Yes darling, I can. Your eyesight is faultless'

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 17 Jul 24 - 06:01 PM

W.. w.. w.. watch out f.. f.. for that d.. dog sh..

T.. too late. You've st.. stood in it.


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Jul 24 - 05:37 PM

Bloke with a stutter goes in the bookies

"I just backed a f... a f... a f..."

"You just backed a favourite?"

"No, I backed a f... a f... a f..."

"You backed a four year old?"

"No, I backed a f... a f... a f..."

"Oh, I've no time for this. Here's £100. Will that do?"

So he takes the £100 and outside he meets his mate.

"That bookie is weird. Just gave me £100 for trying to tell him that I had just backed a f... a f... a five ton truck into his car."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Bill D
Date: 17 Jul 24 - 04:00 PM

Woman to butcher: "Have you got any kiddlys?"
Butcher: "You mean kidneys?"
Woman: "That's what I said, diddle I?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 16 Jul 24 - 11:49 AM

A guy with a speech impediment goes shopping. He first goes into a hardware shop and asks for a fucket. A what? the shop guy asks... A fucket a fucket the man asked. Oh a bucket the shop keeper says...Yeah that's what I said, a fucket. Next he goes into a clock shop and asks for a cock..A what? the owner says... A cock a cock, the guy asks…Oh a clock the shopkeeper says... Yeh a feckin cock, wot I said...

Next he goes to a bakers and asks for a bum. A what, you dirty get? the baker says before realising he meant a bun…Then a guy walks up to him and says, Have you got the time mate? The guy with the speech impediment says Yeah. Just hold me bum and fucket while I get me cock out...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 16 Jul 24 - 08:13 AM

What do you get when you cross a wooly mammoth with a popular Calypso singer?

Hairy Elephante

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: The Sandman
Date: 12 Jul 24 - 02:37 AM

Whats the difference between an essex girl and a jumbo jet.
a jumbo jet only has one cock pit

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: The Sandman
Date: 12 Jul 24 - 02:33 AM

Essex Boy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with those, sir?"

Essex Boy: "Nah.... She ain't that uglY

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 30 Jun 24 - 08:26 PM

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?

Eleph I no

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 29 Jun 24 - 09:18 AM

Less is mor

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 26 Jun 24 - 01:09 PM

Governments are like nappies. They need changing often and for the same reason.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 23 Jun 24 - 09:22 AM

I once dated a girl with a twin and people always asked me how I could tell them apart.

It was simple. Alison painted her nails red and Bob had a beard...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Charmion's brother Andrew
Date: 23 Jun 24 - 07:01 AM

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk" exclaims the barman.

"Your ears work, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey, Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again, "with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and asks "What the hell would they want with a plasterer?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 21 Jun 24 - 04:59 AM

A boy arrives home from school with a trophy in his hand and says to his mum,
"I won the Leslie Nielsen Award at school today!"

"Really?" says his mum, "What's that?"

"It's a big building full of children and teachers but that's not important right now..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Jun 24 - 03:00 AM

:-D

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Black belt caterpillar wrestler
Date: 16 Jun 24 - 01:13 PM

Dave, the drunk man with the police car in his garage. Pete Macnab used to be in the force and he knows the name of the real life drunk!

Robin

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 16 Jun 24 - 12:32 PM

When my wife and I broke up she left with my stash.
I'm suing her for joint custody.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 14 Jun 24 - 09:07 AM

Irritated Boss- "How come you're only sick on weekdays?"

Employee: "Must be my weekend immune system."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 12 Jun 24 - 09:32 AM

St Peter is guarding the gates of heaven one day and finds that he’s desperate to use the toilet.

He calls Jesus over and says “Oi Jesus, I’m dying for a Richard the Third. Can you keep an eye on things for me for 10 minutes before I have an accident in my heavenly robes?”

“No problem Pete” says Jesus. “What do I have to do?”

“It’s simple, when you see someone coming up the celestial ladder, ask them what they did on Earth and, if they’re OK to come in and, if they are, let them in. Nothing to it really”

So Jesus waits by the Pearly Gates and sees this man approaching with what looks like a set of carpenters’ tools. He greets the stranger and asks about his life.

The stranger says “Well, I was a carpenter by trade and worked at it all my life”

Jesus asks “Did you have a son?”

“I certainly did” replies the man, “However, he wasn’t born in the usual way and I sent him out into the world to learn and to do good. I pray that one day we’ll be back together”

Jesus can’t believe what he’s hearing, stares at he man through moist eyes and says “Father?”

The man looks at Jesus and through equally moistened eyes he says “Pinocchio?”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 09 Jun 24 - 12:53 PM

After a lot of drinks on Friday night, I decided to leave my car at the pub and get a bus home. It was great passing all the police cars and getting smiled at. The bus just kept going and got me home in one piece....which is surprising really as I had never driven a bus before..

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 08 Jun 24 - 10:16 AM

lol, Neil.

Trump's driving around Wales, gets thirsty and has his chauffeur pull over so he can drink from a stream. A Welsh farmer shouts to him, in Welsh, "Don't drink from that stream, the sheep piss in it!"
To which Trump responds, "This is England, speak English!"
The farmer shouts back, in English, "Use 2 hands, you'll get more water."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 08 Jun 24 - 06:41 AM

Bloke got pulled over for drink-driving. The policeman was just about to administer the breathalyser when a terrible kerfuffle broke out on the opposite carriageway, two blokes kicking the shite out of each other.

Naturally, the copper had to temporarily abandon the drunk bloke, so he rushed across the road to intervene in the scrap. The drunk saw his chance, so he jumped back behind the wheel and sped home.

Next morning, there came a knock on his door. The same policeman was there, saying to the bloke that he knew he had been completely pissed the night before.

"Well you can say that, but that was hours ago, so now you can't prove a thing!"

"Fair enough," said the cop. "Tell you what - I'll leave you in peace as long as we can have our police car back..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Neil D
Date: 07 Jun 24 - 07:17 PM

The James gang was robbing a train and Jesse shouts "if you don't give us your money and valuables were going to kill all the women and rape all the men." Someone asked "Jesse, don't you mean rape the women and kill the men?" But a man in the back of the car yells "Excuse me...but I think Mr.James knows how to rob a train."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Joe_F
Date: 06 Jun 24 - 06:04 PM

I believe I have seen it cited: "My pickup truck left me for another man."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 06 Jun 24 - 03:01 PM

Referencing the old joke, all he'll have to do to get his truck back is to play the song in reverse.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 06 Jun 24 - 02:25 PM

Now we are getting self drive vehicles, how long will it be before we get a country song about a guy's truck leaving him?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 05 Jun 24 - 11:26 AM

An old bloke gets pulled over doing 100 in a 50 mile an hour zone. The cop says “Licence and registration please.”

The bloke says, “I don't have a licence. They wouldn't give me one because I'm blind. And I don't have the registration because I stole the car.”

“Stole the car!” the cop exclaims. “Who's the owner?”

“I don't know. I forgot to ask him his name before I killed him.”

“You killed him?”

“Yeah, the body's in the boot.”

At this point the cop calls for backup. Three police cars arrive along with the chief inspector. “Can I see your licence and registration please?”

The old guy says, “Certainly, officer,” and hands them over.

“Could you open the boot?”

“Of course.” The guy pops the boot open, and it's empty except for a spare tyre.

The inspector says, “My officer told me you were blind, had no licence or registration, and had killed the previous owner and thrown him in the boot!"

The old guy laughs and says, “Oh yeah? I bet he told you I was speeding too!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 05 Jun 24 - 07:26 AM

I used to work for Rogets' Thesaurus but I got sacked, fired, booted, ejected, kicked, let go.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 04 Jun 24 - 12:43 PM

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load.

Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.
??

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 02 Jun 24 - 07:41 AM

An American woman gets a job as a PE teacher of 14-year-olds in a school in England. On her first day, she comes to watch the kids playing football. She watches as they all get together and start playing. However, she quickly notices a boy at the end of the field standing all alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

"You ok?" she says kindly.

"Yes," he says.

"You can go and play with the other kids, you know." she says encouragingly.

"It’s best I stay here," he says.

"Why’s that, dear?" asks the teacher.

The boy gives her a weird look and says, “Because I’m the goalie.”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Justa Picker
Date: 01 Jun 24 - 05:01 PM

2 rednecks, sitting in lawn chairs on a hot summer night, are knocking back beers. It's a very clear night and the stars are on full display. One of them is starring at the sky. After a minute, he turns to his buddy and wistfully asks: "So what do you think's farther? Florida ... or the moon?" His friend laughs and says "you're a frickin' idiot! Can you SEE Florida!!??"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Sol
Date: 27 May 24 - 10:11 AM

Found this one on the web.....

I was going to write a song about plagiarism but then I thought, I'll wait till somebody else does and copy it.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 24 May 24 - 12:43 PM

When my ex accused me of behaving like a flamingo...I really put my foot down.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 24 May 24 - 09:00 AM

My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales while sucking in my stomach. "Ha!" she said, "That isn't going to help you!"

"Don't be silly, of course it will!" I replied, "It's the only way I can see the numbers!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 22 May 24 - 11:16 AM

Stolen from the internet:-


A man received the following text from his neighbour:
I am SO sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn auto-correct. I meant "wifi", not "wife".


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 22 May 24 - 07:31 AM

Two wives went on a girlie night out. By the end of the evening they were both well oiled to say the least.

On the way home they were both busting for a wee. They sneaked into a graveyard and relieved themselves. But they had nowt to, er, wipe up with. One decided to use her knickers. The other looked around and spotted a wreath on a grave that had a bit of ribbon attached, so that's what she used.

Next morning one of the husbands rang the other and said, "Not sure the girls should be doing that again. My missus arrived home with no knickers on!"

The other bloke said, "you should worry, mate. My missus came home with a card stuck on her bum that said 'From everyone in the fire brigade. We'll never forget you."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 21 May 24 - 09:25 AM

The landlord of a pub had a dog that was well known to all the regulars. One night, as he was ejecting the last, reluctant drinker, he slammed the door on the dog’s tail, chopping it clean off. This caused much comment among the regular customers, and the tail was fixed above the bar for all to see.

Some years later, the dog peacefully passed away in his sleep. He floated up to Doggy Heaven and barked at the pearly gates. St Bernard came to let him in, but noticed his lack of a tail. Rex explained that he'd lost it, but St Bernard said that they only let whole dogs in, so he would have to go back and fetch it.

He floated down to earth again, and got into the pub through the scullery window as usual. He tried to reach the tail over the bar, but couldn't manage it. There was only one thing for it - he would have to get the boss up. He barked until his owner came downstairs in his nightshirt. The landlord was surprised to see his deceased pet sitting there but realised what he was after when he saw him whimpering and looking up at the tail.   He shook his head sadly and said "Well, I'm sorry Rex, but you know the rules - I can’t retail spirits after hours."

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 18 May 24 - 08:21 AM

A bloke was on his own and well pissed in the pub, but quiet enough for the landlord to ignore him.

Suddenly he calls to the landlord, "Hey, guv, if I can score a bull on your dartboard with just one dart from this seat, will you give me something?"

Well the dartboard was at least thirty feet from the drunk guy's table so the landlord thought well what the hell, I'll humour the daft bugger, so he gave him a dart.   

The bloke swayed around in his seat and chucked the dart aimlessly across the room. But guess what: bullseye!

Well the landlord was nonplussed. He struggled to find something he could give the chap. All he could think of was the tortoise he'd bought earlier that day for his young nephew. So that's what he handed over, still in its box.

A week later the chap was back in the pub, well oiled, sitting in the same seat. He sez to the landlord, "Hey, mate, same again? One dart from here, bullseye, you give me something?"

The landlord thought to himself that there was no way the bloke could repeat that freakish stunt, so he handed the chap a dart. But the feller swayed around, almost falling on the floor, and chucked the dart skyward. But whaddya know: bullseye again!

"OK, give me something," he said to the landlord. "But no food this time, pal. That pie you gave me last week had a stale crust"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Joe_F
Date: 17 May 24 - 06:28 PM

What's the difference between a rich Scotsman, a puir Scotsman, and a deid Scotsman?
A rich Scotsman has a canopy over his bed. A puir Scotsman has a can o' pee under his bed. A deid Scotsman canna pee at a'.
(Heard in Scotland in 1959. It must be pretty old.)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 14 May 24 - 05:04 PM

A guy walked into a book store and asked the clerk, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"

The clerk angrily said, "Fuck off, get out and stay out!"

I said, "Yes! That's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 13 May 24 - 10:54 AM

Family expressions: "bribe", meaning biscuit, dates back to when Sir was at the learning-to-speak toddler stage; he's always been chronically noisy.* Once when it was getting especially wearing, I was standing in the kitchen, so I reached into the biscuit barrel, drew out a biscuit, and waggled it in front of him, saying: "Can I bribe you to silence?" He solemnly accepted the biscuit, and all was peace for a while.

A day or two later, it was reported that he'd run into the kitchen, pointed at the biscuit barrel, and said "Wants bribe! Wants bribe!"

* He still is (when he isn't sulking), and he's taller than me now.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 11 May 24 - 12:10 PM

An airline introduced a special half-fare offer for wives accompanying there husbands on business trips. Expecting some useful testimonials, the airline wrote to all the wives of the businessmen who had taken up the offer, asking how they enjoyed the trip.

Replies are still pouring in asking "What trip?".

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 10 May 24 - 06:21 AM

These two blokes were sitting on the beach. One of them moaned to the other, "How come you always get a nice girl? I can never get a girl myself at all!"

His friend replied, "Well, I'll give you a tip. Get a potato and put it down your swimming trunks and just you wait. The girls will be swarming all over you in no time."

A few hours later the bloke came back to his friend and said, "Well that didn't work - in fact people just seemed to laugh at me!"

His friend looked at him and said, "You're supposed to put the potato down the FRONT of your trunks, you idiot!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 08 May 24 - 02:08 PM

A Trump supporter dies & goes to heaven (use your imagination) and encounters the Almighty.

God: You lived a good enough life so I will grant you a completely honest answer to any question you have.

Trumpista: Who really won the 2020 election?

God: Biden, in a fair election.

Trumpista: The Deep State conspiracy goes even higher than I thought.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 08 May 24 - 06:29 AM

Three dogs are sitting in the vet's waiting room.

The dogs ask each other what they're in for.

The first dog says, "I just can't help myself regarding the postman. I got so angry the other day that I bit him. Now I'm being put to sleep."

The second dog says, "Well I bark a lot. I know I'm not supposed to bark all night, but I just can't help myself. So I'm being put to sleep too."

The first two look at the third dog for his story.

"Well, my owner likes to do her housework in the nude," he said. "Yesterday, she bent over to hoover under the settee. I couldn't help myself: I jumped on her from behind and had the best ten minutes of my life!"

The other two dogs looked at him compassionately. "So you're being put to sleep too?"

"What? No, I'm here to have my nails clipped!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 07 May 24 - 11:43 AM

When i were a lad, it was "The early worm gets the bird", together with a cartoon of a bird's head being pulled into a wormhole.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 07 May 24 - 10:22 AM

An old tongue twister-

Repeat 3 times: “I’m not a pheasant plucker, I’m a pheasant plucker’s son, and I’m only plucking pheasants till the pheasant plucker comes”.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Ernest
Date: 07 May 24 - 09:59 AM

Early bird gets the worm - but the second mouse gets the cheese...
(heard from Ben Sands)