HELP!! INSTRUCTIONS NEEDED!!

Subject: HELP!! INSTRUCTIONS FOR AAPMT!
From: Musicman
Date: 27 Apr 00 - 12:48 PM

IT HAS ARRIVED!!! THE FAMED "AMISH-AUSTRALIAN PITCHFORK MOUSTACHE TUNER" .... but there are no instructions on it's use!!!

so....... one could get very imaginative here.... and I imagine it could hurt alot if not used properly (maybe even the 'maker' of this fiendish device has no idea how to use it) Did he not try it out first? ... on himself or a guinea p....willing subject? For Shame, Mr. Spaw, leaving it up to the first willing(?) customer to discover it's merits.....

Well, I have you know that I am not above the challange of discovery of this... this... this.... creation. It may hurt a bit, it may not, and I hope I can get it out if it get stuck without cutting too much off!!

thanks NightOwl, Spaw and Max..... (I think)

Subject: RE: HELP!! INSTRUCTIONS NEEDED!!
From: MMario
Date: 27 Apr 00 - 12:53 PM

I'm not sure if you should "Thank" me or not, but I did deliberately stop bidding on this...as the "Master of the Key of Off" I really wanted a mustache tuner....

Subject: RE: HELP!! INSTRUCTIONS NEEDED!!
From: katlaughing
Date: 27 Apr 00 - 12:54 PM

I hope I can get it out if it get stuck without cutting too much off!!

Ummmm, Paul, yer 'spose to use it on facial hair and hair on the top 'yer head, NOT where ya might hafta "bobbit!"**BG**

katreallyconcernedwhohopesSpawgetsinherefast!

Subject: RE: HELP!! INSTRUCTIONS NEEDED!!
From: Musicman
Date: 27 Apr 00 - 12:59 PM

KAT!!! JUST WHERE IS YOUR MIND AT!!! OF COURSE I WAS CONCERNED ABOUT MY FACIAL HAIR!!!

:)

Subject: RE: HELP!! INSTRUCTIONS NEEDED!!
From: Musicman
Date: 27 Apr 00 - 01:04 PM

MMario, I'll let you know in about a week, maybe you will be thanking Night owl.....or... maybe I'll be thanking you.... who knows at this point....

Subject: RE: HELP!! INSTRUCTIONS NEEDED!!
From: SINSULL
Date: 27 Apr 00 - 01:18 PM

This may be the appropriate place to ask. There was a French vaudeville performer called Le Petomane who played his instrument out of an orifice other than his mouth. Ladies of the time were known to faint at his performances. But the Queen stayed did not. Anyone know of recordings?

Subject: RE: HELP!! INSTRUCTIONS NEEDED!!
From: GUEST,Sir Arthur Conan and Doyle
Date: 27 Apr 00 - 01:31 PM

Check with Mcgrath of Harlow on this subject.

We have it on good authority that he was considered a prodigy in his day of this unique talent.

He still continues to perform and has CDs out. We especially like his covers of Zamfir, Richard Klyderman and Nana Mouskouri hits.

Subject: RE: HELP!! INSTRUCTIONS NEEDED!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 27 Apr 00 - 01:37 PM

Never fear........The Amish Australian Pitchfork Moustache Tuner has been thoroughly field tested and it has survived..........Cletus on the other hand spent several nights at the ER. The boy just is a bit ham-handed after having a finger removed in a tragic cam cleat accident and the gouges in his upper lip only required a total of 24 stitches, but that was over a 4 night period so you can see how its perfectly safe. The special "Nosepick" feature worked quite well and was sanitized before shipping. Cletus was very careful and was happy to save the money that he would otherwise have spent on adenoid surgery.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR USAGE *** AAPMT

I. The fork prongs on the AAPMT are just the right distance apart to allow tuning BOTH sides of the moustache at the same time. They are also the same distance apart as a standard 110V outlet. CAUTION: Do NOT insert AAPMT into a wall socket as darkness will result, not to mention having to reset your clocks.

II. With the chrome plated tuners to the top, carefully place one prong on each side of the moustache equidistant from that thing in the middle whatever its called.

III. While holding the AAPMT in your left hand, thwonk the right prong with your right forefinger and tune by screwing clockwise on the right side machine head.

IV. Switch the AAPMT to the right hand and repeat the previous step, but this time using your left hand and turning the machine head screw counterclockwise.

V. Repeat steps III and IV screwing slowly and carefully until you are sure you have been COMPLETELY SCREWED.

GOOD LUCK and remember the AAPMT is guaranteed through "FLY-BY-NITE INDUSTRIES" ... Return the AAPMT to us UNUSED and we'll return any unused portions of your money.

Spaw

Subject: RE: HELP!! INSTRUCTIONS NEEDED!!
From: BlueJay
Date: 27 Apr 00 - 01:51 PM

Spaw- Is the AAPMT tuned to A-440, or is it variable? I tried to tune my moustache with my Korg electronic tuner and it doesn't seem to work. I think it's out of range. I tried it on my beard, also, sith similar results. Any suggestions? Is there a model that is adaptable to beards? Any advice you have would be sincerely appreciate. Thanks, BlueJay

Subject: RE: HELP!! INSTRUCTIONS NEEDED!!
From: GUEST,Sir Arthur Conan and Doyle
Date: 27 Apr 00 - 01:56 PM

Any plans for a chromatic version, 'Spaw?

Subject: RE: HELP!! INSTRUCTIONS NEEDED!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 27 Apr 00 - 02:06 PM

The AAPMT is chromatic at this time as you can tell by the chrome plated tuners.

BJ, I'm sure you have gotten satisfactory service from your Korg, but your 'stache and beard haven't been tuned until you tune with the AAPMT. Give those tuners a good screwin' and you'll know you've had one.

Spaw

Subject: RE: HELP!! INSTRUCTIONS NEEDED!!
From: Musicman
Date: 27 Apr 00 - 03:43 PM

OUCH!!!

Oh man, this is gonna take some practicing........

Subject: RE: HELP!! INSTRUCTIONS NEEDED!!
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 27 Apr 00 - 04:52 PM

"Apparently, a cylinder recording of Le Pétomane's "entertainment" was made, and is a great rarity" - this comes from an article about "Le grand Petomane", which I just found, thanks to my trusty WebFerret.

I suppose this really should feature in a "Is this Folk?" thread...

Subject: RE: HELP!! INSTRUCTIONS NEEDED!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 27 Apr 00 - 06:42 PM

Yes Paul, please be careful as the AAPMT is sharp on the ends and flat on the sides. This assures "cents-on" tuning but may require medical care.

Spaw

Subject: RE: HELP!! INSTRUCTIONS NEEDED!!
From: Bill D
Date: 27 Apr 00 - 06:54 PM

There was a young fellow from Sparta,
A really magnificent farter,
On the strength of one bean
He'd fart God Save the Queen,
And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.

He could vary, with proper persuasion,
His fart to suit any occasion.
He could fart like a flute,
Like a lark, like a lute,
This highly fartistic Caucasian.

This sparkling young farter from Sparta,
His fart for no money would barter.
He could roar from his rear
Any scene from Shakespeare,
Or Gilbert and Sullivan's Mikado.

He'd fart a gavotte for a starter,
And fizzle a fine serenata.
He could play on his anus
The Coriolanus:
Oof, boom, er-tum, tootle, yum tah-dah!

He was great in the Christmas Cantata,
He could double-stop fart the Toccata,
He'd boom from his ass
Bach's B-minor Mass,
And in counterpoint, La Traviata.

Spurred on by a very high wager
With an envious German named Bager,
He proceeded to fart
The complete oboe part
Of a Haydn Octet in B-major.

His repertoire ranged from classics to jazz,
He achieved new effects with bubbles of gas.
With a good dose of salts
He could whistle a waltz
Or swing it in razzamatazz.

Hi basso profundo with timbre so rare
He rendered quite often, with power to spare.
But his great work of art,
His fortissimo fart,
He saved for the Marche Militaire.

One day he was dared to perform,
The William Tell Overture Storm,
But naught could dishearten
Our spirited Spartan,
For his fart was in wonderful form.

It went off in capital style,
And he farted it through with a smile,
Then, feeling quite jolly,
He tried the finale,
Blowing double-stopped farts all the while.

The selection was tough, I admit.
But it did not dismay him one bit,
Then, with ass thrown aloft
He suddenly coughed...
And collapsed in a shower of shit.

His bunghole was blown back to Sparta,
Where they buried the rest of our farter,
With a gravestone of turds
Inscribed with the words:
"To the Fine Art of Farting, A Martyr."

Subject: RE: HELP!! INSTRUCTIONS NEEDED!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 27 Apr 00 - 08:44 PM

Ahhhh....The Classics.........Some things live on by the sheer magnitude of their greatness. At least that what Karen says when she is overcome by an exceptionally heavt air biscuit.

BTW, Band-Aids are NOT supplied with the AAPMT.

Spaw

Subject: RE: HELP!! INSTRUCTIONS NEEDED!!
From: GUEST, Threadie
Date: 27 Apr 00 - 08:55 PM

What about flea collars?

Subject: RE: HELP!! INSTRUCTIONS NEEDED!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 28 Apr 00 - 01:05 PM

Fly-By-Nite had originally planned to package Band-Aids with the tuner, but our crack legal team and financial advisors, Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe, argued against it as it could be construed as admission of liability.

Flea Collars were excluded on the same grounds.

Spaw