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BS: All time classic jokes
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: CamiSu Date: 17 Aug 00 - 12:59 AM Remembered this one last night, and I probably really only have to post the punch line, but just in case... Three women of the village were leaving the dance when they came upon one of the men lying in the ditch with his kilt over his head. The two older women both looked and said "Not my husband". Then the youngest lass comes up to look and says "Why he's not even from our village!" Also from my tall kilt wearing friend. What's worn under your kilt? Nothing, lass. It's all in perfect working order! |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: hesperis Date: 17 Aug 00 - 01:32 AM Oh, shheeeeshh! I just remembered my ALL-TIME favorite funny story. Must-post, must-read! (I'm going to have to find a clean joke now, or my rep will be in the gutter... Along with my mind...) This is the story of Coyote Dick (From 'Women Who Run With The Wolves' by Clarissa Pinkola Estés.) Once upon a time there was Coyote Dick, and he was both the smartest and the dumbest creature you could ever hope to meet. He was always hungry for something, and always playing tricks on people to get what he wanted, and any other time he was always sleeping. Well, one day while Coyote Dick was sleeping, his penis got really bored and decided to leave Coyote and have an adventure on its own. So the penis disattached itself from Coyote Dick and ran down the road. Actually it hopped down the road, having just one leg and all. So it hopped and it hopped, and it was having a good time and it hopped off the road and out into the woods, where---Oh no!---it hopped right into a grove of stinging nettles. "Ouch!" it cried. "Ow, ow, ow!" it screetched. "Help! Help!" The sound of all this crying woke Coyote Dick, and when he reached down to start his heart with the accustomed crank, it was gone! Coyote Dick ran down the road holding himself between the legs, and finally came upon his penis in the worst trouble you can imagine. Gently, Coyote Dick lifted his adventurous penis out of the nettles, patted him and soothed him down, and put him back where he belonged. * * * Well, the real ending of this story is the moral. The moral is - I don' know if I can write this here, it's really bad! The moral is - damn, I'm laghing too hard to type it! The moral is that those nettles, even once Coyote Dick got out of them, made his cock itch like crazy forever after. And that is why men are always sliding up to women, and wanting to rub up against them with that "I'm so itchy" look in their eyes. You know, that universal cock has been itching ever since the first time it ever ran away. So, which ending didja find the most funny? ~*sirepseh*~ |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Bernard Date: 17 Aug 00 - 02:09 PM Jock? Aye, Lassie? Whit's under yer kilt? Och, stick her hand up and find oot! Och, Jock, it's gruesome! Stick yer hand up again, lassie, and ye'll find it's grew some more... |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Pseudolus Date: 17 Aug 00 - 03:17 PM Helen, loved the worm joke! Hesperis, Bad jokes? I'm crushed..... I mean, it's true but I'm still crushed!! :) I need to try to redeem myself, how's this.... A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he was slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?" What dear?" She asks gently. I think you're bad luck."
Frank |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Helen Date: 17 Aug 00 - 08:10 PM Songster Bob, Another one for you: Two men are sitting at a bar talking. Jack: "L-l-l-lovely, w-w-weather l-l-late-l-ly." Jim: "Y-y-y-yes, s-s-s-strange f-f-for th-th-this t-t-time of y-y-year." Jack: "Y-y-you r-r-ready f-f-for an-n-nother d-d-drink?" Jim: "Y-y-yes, it's m-m-my sh-sh-shout" so he turns to the bartender and says "Two beers, thanks mate" Jack says indignantly, "Are y-y-you t-t-taking th-th-the m-m-mickey out of m-m-me?" Jim: "N-n-n-no, I'm t-t-taking the m-m-mickey out of h-h-him."
and one orders the first drinks, "T-t-t-two b-b-beers, th-th-thanks, m-m-mate!' They drink the first lot and the second man orders, |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Helen Date: 18 Aug 00 - 08:37 AM Sorry, ignore the last two lines - I forgot how the joke went and started rewriting it but forgot to delete the bits that were wrong. How to spoil a joke!! Also, this one may not work so well in written form. This is how it should read: Two men are sitting at a bar talking. Jack: "L-l-l-lovely, w-w-weather l-l-late-l-ly." Jim: "Y-y-y-yes, s-s-s-strange f-f-for th-th-this t-t-time of y-y-year." Jack: "Y-y-you r-r-ready f-f-for an-n-nother d-d-drink?" Jim: "Y-y-yes, it's m-m-my sh-sh-shout" so he turns to the bartender and says "Two beers, thanks mate" Jack says indignantly, "Are y-y-you t-t-taking th-th-the m-m-mickey out of m-m-me?" Jim: "N-n-n-no, I'm t-t-taking the m-m-mickey out of h-h-him." |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Quincy Date: 18 Aug 00 - 09:35 AM A conversation overheard in a bar.... "Tis a terrible thing, began Michael, but me dear darlin' wife is unable to have any children. Ah! She's inconceivable!" "You've got it all wrong," interjected Sean. "It's not inconceivable that yer mean. What it is, is that she's impregnable!" "No, no, no, you both of yers a mile wide!" says Patrick with definitive authority. If the woman can't have any children at all, what yer wanting to say is that she's unbearable!!" Yvonne |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: jeffp Date: 18 Aug 00 - 10:00 AM It could be that she's insurmountable and impenetrable! |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Quincy Date: 18 Aug 00 - 10:26 AM LOL. Jeffp you must have been there when the Murphy twins arrived later to give their definitions!!!! Yvonne |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: hesperis Date: 18 Aug 00 - 12:27 PM Pseudolus, I said "awful" not "bad". The jokes I mentioned were good, the subject matter... Weeeeeeeeeeeeellllllllllllllllll, um... No. hesperis |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Bernard Date: 18 Aug 00 - 02:04 PM Fred went to visit his mate Charlie in hospital. As the operation was on his throat, Charlie was unable to talk, and was breathing through a tube. Fred had only been there a few minutes, when Charlie began to get very excited, waving his arms about. Fred couldn't understand the fuss, so gave Charlie a piece of paper and a pen to write with. The message read 'You are standing on my air tube!' |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Helen Date: 19 Aug 00 - 03:55 AM Quincy, I once found a list of what was purported to be the hardest cryptic crossword clues in the world. One of my favourites was: Q. She, too great for words, can never have children. A. Ineffable Helen |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Quincy Date: 19 Aug 00 - 05:49 AM Helen and jeffp, I'm gonna have to get the thesaurus out now aren't I?? Ineffable and insurmountable......I'm impressed!! Well done!!!!! best wishes, Yvonne |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Pseudolus Date: 19 Aug 00 - 01:28 PM Hesperis, Phew!! Awful I can take. A bad joke just gets a groan, an awful joke will get told again!! Take care... Frank |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Naemanson Date: 20 Aug 00 - 04:45 PM What is the similarity between a banjo tune and a multimillion dollar lawsuit? No one is happy until the case is closed. |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: GUEST,Fedele (still in Germany) Date: 21 Aug 00 - 07:32 AM From my brother, he´s a Computer Engineer.
Three engineers get into a car. The one who drives tries to start the engine, but it doesn´t work. |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Bernard Date: 21 Aug 00 - 11:40 AM Garage mechanic rebuilds a car engine, and realises his customer is an eminent heart surgeon. 'Why,' he cheekily suggests, 'when we both do similar work, do you get paid so much more than I do?' Quickly, the surgeon replies 'You don't work with the engine running!' |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: The Walrus at work Date: 21 Aug 00 - 02:31 PM A man goes to see his Doctor "Doctor, I want to be castrated" The doctor is shocked, "Do you know what you're asking for?" he asks? "Of course I do, Iwant to be castrated !" The doctor looks him straight in the eye and tells him to go home and think about for a week or so and if he still wants to be castrated, to come back. A week later, the man is back, "Doctor, I still want to be castrated", so the doctor arranges for him to be admited to hospital. In the hospital, the man is interviewed by the surgeon, but is adamant, that he wants to be castrated so the surgeon books him into the theatre for the next day. After the operation the man comes around on the side ward, to find another man in the next bed, reading. "What are you in for?" askes the newcomer, "I've just been castrated" "Blimey, I thought it was bad enough being circumcised" "Circumcised?...oh bugger it!....That was the word I was looking for!" Walrus
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Naemanson Date: 21 Aug 00 - 05:22 PM A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a civil engineer are talking about God. The mechanical engineer says God is a mechanical engineer because of the design of the body. "Look at how the blood flows and the heart pumps, without a flaw for upwards of 100 years! He has to be a mechanical engineer!" "No," says the electrical engineer. "He is an electrical engineer because of the nervous system. All that activity is run by a system so intricate yet so precise that it runs the whole system with incredibly tiny amounts of power." The civil engineer thinks for a minute and then says, "I know you'll agree that He is a civil engineer. Consider the groin. Who else would run a waste disposal system through a major recreational area?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Bernard Date: 21 Aug 00 - 07:21 PM Charlie goes into a chemist's shop. He asks the young assistant if they sell Viagra. She blushes, and says they do. 'Can I get it over the counter?' he asks. The assistant blushes even more. 'You'd probably need two or three tablets!' she gasps... |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Elise Date: 22 Aug 00 - 01:09 AM Ok, in response to the last few jokes: Have you heard they just put out a mixture of Ginko Biloba and Viagra? It's so you can remember what the f*** you're doing! Two engineering students meet, and one asks the other where he got the new bicycle. The one with the bike answers, saying "A girl rode up on it, got off, threw off all of her clothes and told me to take whatever I wanted. So I took the bike." His friend answers "good choice, the clothes wouldn't have fit you." An engineer was walking along one day, when he heard a voice call him from out of a pond. When he got close, he was amazed to discover the voice came from a frog! He picked the frog up, and the frog said "Kiss me and I'll turn into a beautiful princess." The engineer started to put the frog in his pocket, when the frog yelled "Wait, you didn't hear me, I'll turn into a beautiful, rich girl, and I'll be your girlfriend." The engineer looked at the frog and said "Nah, I don't have time for a girlfriend...but a talking frog, now that's cool!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Bernard Date: 28 Aug 00 - 06:25 PM An old folks home have started putting viagra in the mens' cocoa. The cocoa helps them sleep, and the viagra stops them rolling out of bed...
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Dee45 Date: 28 Aug 00 - 07:18 PM An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice. The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?" "Never Father, I'm Jewish." "So then, why are you telling me?" "I'm telling everybody !!!!!!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Bill D Date: 28 Aug 00 - 10:41 PM ...so, there was this well to do old farmer who managed to snare himself a pretty young wife. He was a likeable sort, and folks just shrugged. They knew she sort of expected to inherit a nice farm in a few years, but he knew what he wanted. So, one day he was in town for his annual checkup, and told the doc he had a serious question. "Doc, you know I ain't as young as I usta be, and them romantic feeling..*wink, wink* are a bit scarcer than they were 30 years ago...Now, when I'm plowing down in the south 40, sometimes I get the urge...but by the time I get back up to the house,I'm so tired it's gone again. You got any ideas?" "Hmmmm, John", says the doc, "you know, your place is pretty isolated. Why don't you just take a blanket and your shotgun with you on the tractor, then when you feel in the mood, you can fire off the gun as a signal to Sally to come down to YOU!...She's a bit younger" "Well, durn Doc, that's a fine idea! I'll try it!" So....several months later, the doctor meets old John on the street, and can't resist asking..."Hey, John, how did that idea work out...about taking the blanket and shotgun down with you during plowing?" "Waaal, you know, Doc....that worked pretty damn good...for about 2-3 weeks....then huntin' season started, and I ain't seen her since!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Mr Happy Date: 20 May 02 - 07:25 AM in the toilet of an office where i worked there was a sign saying, 'do not put tealeaves down here as they block the drains- please adhere to this notice' mr happy |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: DMcG Date: 20 May 02 - 08:28 AM This is a music thread isn't it?
Roseberry to his lady said
Wi' modest face, sae fu' o' grace
ABC:
L:1/8 |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: dick greenhaus Date: 20 May 02 - 11:40 PM Ineffable is good. I like "inscrutable", though. |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Larkin Date: 21 May 02 - 06:47 AM My favourite stupid joke is - A woman goes into a butchers shop and asks for half a pound of kidleys and the butcher says ' don't you mean kidneys' she says 'I said kidleys, diddle I ' Martin |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: GUEST,fogie Date: 21 May 02 - 08:01 AM I liked this one about Jimmy Shand. He was staying at a B&B after a gig, and woke hungry for breakfast. The landlady brought him a hardly adequate breakfast with small portions of everything. She came over to say that she kept her own cow for the butter and milk. Jimmy looked at the table and asked if he might have some toast and jam. When she brought it in it consisted of a slice of toast, and a minute pot of honey. Jimmy looked wryly at her and said " I see you also keep a bee". |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Alaska Mike Date: 21 May 02 - 10:02 AM A skeleton walks into a bar. The barman asks, "What'll you have?" The skeleton says, "Give me a beer and a mop." |
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Mr Happy Date: 21 May 02 - 12:33 PM i attended the manchester mc swaree last night in the jolly angler and someone [8 pints other half, sorry i forget your mc name :-)] told us a true story of a wedding she attended. the happy couple had made a request for the church organist to play the theme from robin hood, prince of thieves, which contains a sentiment something like 'i do/give all o everything to you' after the priest had finished the wedding ceremony, the newly weds turned to walk back down the aisle hand in hand; only then to be greeted with the organist's rendition of 'robin hood, robin hood, riding through the glen!' wot a corker!! mr happy
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Jim Dixon Date: 21 May 02 - 02:00 PM 132 messages in one thread are too many. There is hardly any point in starting a new thread called " BS: All time classic jokes, part 2" since the jokes in this thread aren't classics, anyway. I suggest that anyone who wants to post another joke go to the thread called PermaThread™: List of all joke threads.,pick an appropriate thread from that list, and refresh it. Many of those threads are much shorter than 100 messages. |