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BS: Cruelty to Scots
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Subject: Cruelty to Scots From: Murray MacLeod Date: 12 Dec 00 - 11:54 PM I have recently been reading some of the threads discussing songs which give offense by poking fun at perceived ethnic characteristics and they make for enlightening and sobering reading.
I notice however that nobody has yet complained about a song which, (to our shame) is to be found in the Digitrad under the title of "The Scotsman's Kilt", also known simply as "The Scotsman".
For years we Scots have had to put up with the rest of the world making jokes about our drinking habits and our meanness (or cheapness, as they say in the USA ). And by and large we have tolerated the jibes and jokes with good humor, because there is a large measure of truth in the generalization : on the whole, the Scots DO like to drink copious amounts of alcohol, and they DO have deep pockets and short arms.
But now, a song has become popular which threatens the well-being of every Scotsman who dares to wear a kilt on foreign soil, by making public what has always been well-known but never openly discussed, namely the fact that Scotsmen are endowed with abnormally large genitalia. Within Scotland this has always been taken for granted, the ladies accepted this as one of the facts of life, and thought no more of it.
But since this song has become popular in the USA, it has caused a frenzy of excitement among American women attending Highland Games from Maine to California,(and , for some reason, especially in Ohio) all eager to experience for themselves what the fuss is all about. Naturally, being gentlemen, we are always eager to oblige, but the time has come to call a halt to this perception of kilted Scotsmen as mere sex objects. We are sensitive, we have minds and emotions as well as bodies. Can you imagine the strain of being constantly accosted by predatory women, all eager to ply you with copious amounts of drink with the express aim of enjoying your body? Fortunately, so far I have managed to rise to the occasion, but I know that some of my compatriots have wilted under the stress. So, for the well-being of all Scots abroad, may I make this plea that you desist from singing this song, maybe then the hysteria will subside and we can go back to living our lives as normally as possible. Remember, we did not ask to be thus gifted. Let it remain a blessing, let it not be transformed into a curse. Thank you all for your understanding. Murray
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: Ebbie Date: 12 Dec 00 - 11:59 PM I'm 'shamed indeed. Ebbie |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: pict Date: 12 Dec 00 - 11:59 PM They don't call me the horizontal tepee for nothing you know;P |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: katlaughing Date: 13 Dec 00 - 12:34 AM That's it, I AM moving to Scotland!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: Sorcha Date: 13 Dec 00 - 12:51 AM And that's it, I'm NOT. Enough is just enuf. Chocolate, cheescake, penises, religion and sarcasm. I am sick, sick sick of this crap, and unlike Oola the Oyster, I just don't think I can make a pearl of it.........and thank you all very much indeed. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: Clifton53 Date: 13 Dec 00 - 01:05 AM Reminds me of the old story going around years ago when the Russians had a severe shortage of latex rubber and were getting low on condoms over there. A request was made to the U.S. government to supply the Russians with extra large condoms. Being only too happy to oblige, the U.S. sent a whole boatload of the bloomin' things, all marked "U.S.Medium"
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: GUEST,ShadowMonk Date: 13 Dec 00 - 01:07 AM The small amount of Scottish blood I have in me is PROUD to have read this thread. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: Barry Finn Date: 13 Dec 00 - 01:22 AM Gee, how come I wasn't born Scottish, opps, sorry Murray I was just hoping that even at my age I could help to relieve you of some of this unwarranted stress by baring some of this burden for you, being gifted with a very large nose I can understand the pain you go through. Barry |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: Ebbie Date: 13 Dec 00 - 01:25 AM Good one, Barry! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: Angelia Date: 13 Dec 00 - 01:45 AM I am so surprised that a lot of people haven't touched this thread! definitely lots to say about it. I must investigate this ahhhh...truth further...my son's father must have been last in line when the other scotts were receiving the gift..lol. Good one Murray. angie |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: JennieG Date: 13 Dec 00 - 04:17 AM I'm in Oz - what is the song that is the cause of such distress? I know a few kilted Scotsmen too..... Cheers JennieG |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: CarolC Date: 13 Dec 00 - 04:36 AM Murray, I hate to break it to you, but it's not what's under your kilt that's causing the frenzy of excitement among women here in the U.S. We have enough big dicks around here to keep us occupied and amused. It's your beautiful accents that we can't resist. Carol (part Scot) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: bill\sables Date: 13 Dec 00 - 06:17 AM Whilst on the subject of cruelty to Scots did you know that there is an ancient by-law in York, England, which has not ben recinded which states that it is legal to shoot a Scotsman on a Sunday within the walls of York provided it is done with a bow and arrow. Bill |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: P05139 Date: 13 Dec 00 - 06:21 AM No fair!!! My boyfriend's Scottish!! I'm not gonna let him se THIS thread. :-)) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: Mrrzy Date: 13 Dec 00 - 09:12 AM WHERE IS THE SONG???? Pretty please? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: Matt_R Date: 13 Dec 00 - 09:15 AM I always thought the song was dumb, personally. I like what Seamus says (Kennedy, that is): How can you tell what clan a Scotsman is from? Look under his kilt...if you see a quarter-pounder, he's a MacDonald. --Maithu Ruadh of Clan Buidhe Theamhdaigh |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: alison Date: 13 Dec 00 - 09:19 AM It's in the database slainte alison |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: Jeri Date: 13 Dec 00 - 12:22 PM Murray, I'm completely on your side in this matter. People just don't understand the implications of this song. The poor man was incapacitated, and those women took advantage of him. It was almost an act of - dare I say it? No I dare not. It was an act of taking advantage of him. But they lifted the tartan veil and touched his well-formed, enormous shaft of throbbing, passionate ecstasy... ahem. His private parts. Part. They tied a ribbon on it to mock him! And then, the poor man was portrayed as being so ignorant, he didn't even realize he should feel degraded by this act! And we laugh at this song!!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: Steve Latimer Date: 13 Dec 00 - 01:04 PM How many canaries can fit under a Scotsmans Kilt? It depends on the size of the perch.
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: Bill D Date: 13 Dec 00 - 01:10 PM .....no need to move to Scotland, ladies, the export system has provided a good supply of many MANY Scottish blessings, single-malt, shortbread.....and genetic material. (you're welcome, ShadowMonk) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: SDShad Date: 13 Dec 00 - 01:20 PM All I know is, if a fellow's kilt hangs down to mid-thigh, you ca' 'im a laddie. If it hangs down to his knees, you ca' 'im a man. And if it hangs down to his calves, you ca' 'im a damned liar..... Shad |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: Diva Date: 13 Dec 00 - 01:47 PM I have heard tell that the enlarged genitallia is such a problem that the only way to keep it in order is to cover it in Savlon....isn't that right Micca? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: mousethief Date: 13 Dec 00 - 02:00 PM Well, it was Bobby Burns who wrote "Nine Inch Will Please a Lady" right? And he should know. Alex |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: Bill D Date: 13 Dec 00 - 02:01 PM Savlon??? There are so many brand or colloquial names for things in the UK that don't describe the product or item...Araldite, Savlon...etc...maybe in a few years I'll pick up enough terminlogy to get some of these jokes... (I suppose we in the US have a few also) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: Mrrzy Date: 13 Dec 00 - 02:07 PM (Thread creep) Thanks for the song and I am reminded of something I had by Ed McCurdy, I forget the title: A fair maid slept in shady bower He gazed in rapture on her beauty At his fond kiss, the maid awakened He said to her: "If I've offended |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: Mrrzy Date: 13 Dec 00 - 02:08 PM And then you close the quotes... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: Micca Date: 13 Dec 00 - 02:12 PM Diva , only if you want a very vigorous Highland fling...(the Dance) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: Diva Date: 13 Dec 00 - 02:29 PM yes but I think you need to be fully dressed to compete Micca. Bill D Savlon is an antiseptic cream. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: Bill D Date: 13 Dec 00 - 02:50 PM antiseptic or 'anesthetic'? we have 'Lanacane' which is an anti-itch cream with some anesthetic properties..(and maybe some antiseptic qualities too) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: Lyrical Lady Date: 13 Dec 00 - 03:22 PM I'll have to look into this. It sounds gruesome to me! LL |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: Morticia Date: 13 Dec 00 - 03:37 PM Murray, whilst having every sympathy ( and not some little curiosity) regarding your sufferings, and whilst no-one holds your ethnic tribulations in greater respect.....could this not be considered just revenge for haggis, bagpipes and Andy Stewart? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: Bill D Date: 13 Dec 00 - 03:59 PM haggis and bagpipes are harmless unless intentionally called up...Andy Stewart appears without warning! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: SDShad Date: 13 Dec 00 - 04:50 PM And where exactly do Runrig fit into this epic Scottish tale of sex and retribution, eh? Shad |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: mousethief Date: 13 Dec 00 - 05:01 PM Shad, Perhaps they made the haggis? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: pict Date: 13 Dec 00 - 09:33 PM Runrig should be made into haggis and fed to the English. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: GUEST,Jimmy Date: 14 Dec 00 - 12:01 AM Well, there was the story of the young Scots lass who lifted her young lad's kilt and reached out and touched the object she saw. "OOOH!", she said, "It's gruesome!" "Touch it again," says he, "and it'll grow some more!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: Seamus Kennedy Date: 14 Dec 00 - 12:22 AM A Scotsman got a hip replacement. He took the bone home for his dog. Took his wife and kids out for coffee and doughnuts. The kids hated it. It was the first time they ever gave blood. All the best. Seamus |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: Melani Date: 14 Dec 00 - 12:43 AM What's wrong with Andy Stewart?! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: Micca Date: 14 Dec 00 - 08:34 AM Melani ,you mean apart from having perpetrated "Donald wheres yer troosers" on us???and many endless Hogmanays from TV studios??? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: Matt_R Date: 14 Dec 00 - 09:06 AM Now are you talking deep-voiced Andy Stewart, as opposed to sweet voiced Andy M. Stewart? BTW Runrig kicks ASS! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: Troll Date: 15 Dec 00 - 03:57 AM Seamus, I hadn't heard that one . LOL troll |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: alison Date: 15 Dec 00 - 08:29 AM I like runrig...... "big country meets folk".... *grin* slainte alison |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: paddymac Date: 15 Dec 00 - 10:34 AM Having the odd Scotsman hanging up in the family tree, I've some appreciation for the perils and personalities of "Scothood". But Murray has exposed a side of the Scots I had never seen before. I never knew they were given to such flights of fantasy and imagination. (:>) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: Midchuck Date: 16 Dec 00 - 08:32 AM The following eulogy showed up on another list and sort of made me think of this thread. Peter. ********************************************* You are a flaming heap of cow-dung and bloated excreta of scentless-urine-lapping dogs, and I propose to have your guts for garters, you pusillanimous, nauseous, cretinous fornicator with relations in the first degree, you poisonous toad, you mucoid adulator of the nether parts of your betters, you aficionado - by your own admission - of the pink oboe, you camp-follower, turncoat, you CAMPBELL-IN-SPIRIT! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: Hollowfox Date: 16 Dec 00 - 10:58 AM Murray, CarolC's right, it's really the accent. That, and Ohio's not all that exciting a place, most of the time. Midchuck, I question your taste in clothing accessories, but I am curious to see how those garters look on you.;) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: Naemanson Date: 16 Dec 00 - 02:39 PM This is a bit of thread creep but what you posted, Midchick, is what cursing is all about! None of that simple minded "f**k you" bullshite. That was pure unadulterated thoughtful cursing and I salute whoever wrote that! Rant off! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: CamiSu Date: 16 Dec 00 - 03:57 PM Peter, Was it Mark Twain who commented about a guy who could cuss for 20 minutes and never use an unprintable word? My personal favorite (to use) is "You pusillanimous non-entity! I shall defenestrate you!" and watch their jaws as they to figure out what you just said. 'Couse as David says when I get really mad I just switch to Turkish. CamiSu (who has PLENTY of Scottish blood--Fraser, not Cameron!) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: Willie-O Date: 16 Dec 00 - 08:15 PM And what would be the point of braggin on that, CamiSu? Willie-O (Cameron, not anything else!) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: little john cameron Date: 17 Dec 00 - 06:39 PM Whit accent wid ye be talkin aboot then? ljc |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: Troll Date: 17 Dec 00 - 07:12 PM "Campbell in spirit" is the worst curse I can think of. The rest was just window dressing. Good one Peter! troll |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: little john cameron Date: 17 Dec 00 - 07:30 PM For gawds sake don't get the MacDonalds in on this. ljc |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: Troll Date: 17 Dec 00 - 09:10 PM Too late, ljc. Much, much too late. Fraoch Eilean! troll |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: pict Date: 17 Dec 00 - 11:30 PM CRUACHAN AGUS CLANN DIARMAID GU SIORRAIDH! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: P05139 Date: 18 Dec 00 - 04:24 AM I wind my boyfriend up if I get angry with him. I swear in German, Russian and Welsh!!!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: little john cameron Date: 18 Dec 00 - 10:46 AM Go gcreime Monica Lewinsky do bhall fearga. ljc |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: CarolC Date: 18 Dec 00 - 06:36 PM Why, little john cameron, your Newfie accent of course. Carol (who know a curse from the curse engine when she sees one) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: Melani Date: 18 Dec 00 - 10:14 PM I meant the guy from Silly Wizard. I don't know the other one. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: Troll Date: 18 Dec 00 - 11:11 PM The air has gone bad. Either something has died or there's a Campbell lurking nearby. troll |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: Barry Finn Date: 18 Dec 00 - 11:23 PM Murray you're awful, you started this thread & never came back & now I can see you sitting guitar in hand, chuckling your little heart out. If you don't come back we'll all start singing the Wind blew your pladies awa or Murray drop ya trousers. Barry |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: pict Date: 19 Dec 00 - 01:32 AM Is that supposed to be funny troll? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: Troll Date: 19 Dec 00 - 02:51 AM Lighten up, pict. Glencoe was a long time ago and the bad blood between the Campbells and MacDonalds is more a matter of tradition than of fact. If I offended you, I apologize. When I was active in the Clan Donald Society, our clan tent would often be placed next to the Campbells by the planners of the Games and we had a fine time "insulting" one another. We would all get together in the evening to drink and sing. Again, I apologize if you took offense. troll |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: pict Date: 19 Dec 00 - 03:26 AM Consider me lightened up:) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: GUEST,Guest, guesT, gUESt, (intruder), GuEsT Date: 19 Dec 00 - 02:15 PM Funny, I always thought the song was about being too mean to buy underwear. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: little john cameron Date: 19 Dec 00 - 04:53 PM Nae flies on you eh,Carol!!! ljc |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: Murray MacLeod Date: 19 Dec 00 - 06:05 PM Barry, I have just returned from a trip away (minus kilt but I shall be sporting it on New Year's Eve). I thought this thread would have died long ago .... obviously has more staying power than I thought. First of all thanks for your offer of help. A man of your size would be a more than able deputy. Maybe at Loon Mountain next year? Jeri, you understand what it is all about. And I in return have a much deeper understanding of the sexual harassment that women have experienced for centuries. Carol, I am not sure that it is the accent. I have almost lost mine after living in the States for two years. Barry Finn will tell you, I sound like a Harvard frat boy. Morticia, I dont know what the Gaelic for "Kharma" is, but you could be right, these things are sent to try us, and maybe it is indeed just reward return for Andy Stewart et al (Alexander Brothers, anyone remember them? ) Paddymac, there are times I wish I would wake up and find it is indeed a flight of fancy .......... The one bright ray of sunshine in all this is that 'Spaw has refrained from posting one of his sceptical compositions. I have always said he is a man of deep sensitivity, and it is indeed heartening that he obviously sympathizes with my plight. AND FINALLY I have just heard on the news that Madonna is going to my own home town of Dornoch in the Scottish Highlands to get married. Now, doesn't that tell you something ???????? Murray |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: GUEST,Big Mick Date: 19 Dec 00 - 06:50 PM Murray, We Irish can empathize. For, like whiskey, it was us that gave you the long bellclapper gene. You highlanders, being of Irish descent, and the resulting watering down of the long bellclapper gene due to the presence of the indigenous Picti, Aberdeen cattle and various and sundry sheep, have had to switch from the traditional breeches of our people (which covered our bellclappers all the way to the ankle) to the shorter kilt. After all, given your frugal natures, there is no sense wasting material all the way to the ankles when thigh length will do. We understand this, and further can empathize with the need for a bit of modesty and not to feel used. That is why we stay with breeches. They take a sense of deliberate action on our part, so our genetic seed bank is not spent at the whim of every warm place that desires it. As you know, we have a great sense of propriety.............LOL. All the best, Mick |
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Subject: RE: BS: Cruelty to Scots From: Troll Date: 19 Dec 00 - 10:25 PM Aye, Mick. But consider the Calvinist desire to improve people. What better way to improve mankind than by sharing our good Scots genes with all whom we meet. It helps the next generation to be better men and women and it costs us nothing but time. We sow good seed in fertile ground (metaphorically speaking) and we reap a rich harvest therefrom. troll ***BG*** |