How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?

Subject: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: GUEST,Milly
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 11:19 AM

I have been married for over 20yars, the last 7 have been awful, I started back at work and realised how much I had missed and how much of a miserable anti social person my partner is. He is a good Dad to our children although he can shout alot. I cannot think of spending the rest of my life with him, but on the other hand cannot imagine being without him. I sugested counseling years ago and he wont go. We live in the same house sleep in the same bed, but all the feeling has gone - how do I tell him
Mils

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: Steve Latimer
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 11:27 AM

Milly,

I would certainly suggest trying the counselling route again. It's obvious that you were attracted to each other for a reason, that there has been something there to sustain a relationship for a long time.

I went through a similar situation, I wish that I had been more adamant about counselling because I believe it would have helped. The single life afterward being together with someone for that amount of time can be pretty gruesome.

Good luck.

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 11:33 AM

I don't know, Milly, it depends on so many personal factors that I'm not aware of, concerning you and him both.

I would think you'd be well advised to get some counseling yourself for a start. If you have the good fortune to hook up with a decent marriage counselor, then you will at least have some backup to help you along the way...and someone to bounce ideas off...and help you do a reality check if things get out of hand.

That's about all I can offer, I'm afraid. I've avoided marriage like the plague, although I have not avoided committed relationships. My own family experiences gave me little or no confidence in the legal institution of marriage. If I'd wanted kids, then it might have been a different story. Maybe.

- LH

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: Troll
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 11:34 AM

Even if he won't go to counseling, you should go on your own. At the very least you will get some tools that can help you through what has got to be a tough time in your life.
You may even get some answers.

troll

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: GUEST,Flatroubadour
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 11:34 AM

Print out the letter you posted here, and hand it to him. I think it says it quite well.

I divorced my SO after 23 years of marriage, and two wonderful kids. I didn't hate her, didn't even dislike her - just knew that there has to be more to life than what I had in my marriage. I still have nothing but respect and admiration for my former wife, and we share in raising the kids, but I think both of us are better off on our own. Just my 2 cents.

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: kendall
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 11:34 AM

I can tell you what worked for me. Wait for or create a space of time when he is calm and receptive to you. Tell him in the most loving way you can that you no longer love him, and, that you need to get some space between you. If he is the explosive type, make sure you are not alone. I dont know what your financial situation is, so, it is impossible to go further than what I just told you. If he insists that you stay, it is a good sign that he is sick. My ex told me she would rather cut my throat than see me leave. That is an example of sick. She also refused to seek council until it was way too late. That was 20 years ago, and the only regret I have is that I didn't do it sooner. I love being free.

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: GUEST,Mils
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 11:36 AM

I have made an appointment to go myself, its just it seems unfair as the counselor only hears one side.
Mils

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: katlaughing
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 11:46 AM

It may seem unfair and one-sided, but you will be helping yourself, first and foremost, and that is who is most important. If you are in turmoil and having a tough time making a decision, you can bet the rest of the family is, too, or at least feels what is going on between you. By helping yourself, you are helping your family, regardless of whether he will go or not. Counseling will give you ways to cope with whatever path you choose to follow. Good for you, for going ahead and making the appointment. Please keep in touch and let us know how you are.

kat-beentheretwice

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: kendall
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 11:51 AM

If he wont go, then it's his problem. You MUST take care of yourself first. Is he depressed? That might be a cause of his behavior.

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: GUEST,mils
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 12:01 PM

He has been in a job he says he hates for about 5 years, but has had several options to leave and never taken them. I think he likes to moan on about it all the time. I used to listen to him but now I blank out. He doesn't want to go out with me, he dislikes my friends - they no longer come to the house. I have to ask permission to watch something on the TV. He sometimes tries to be intimate, but as he does not wash often - this is distastful(when I tell him he smells - he laughs) My dream is to have my own place.
mils

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: NancyZ
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 12:28 PM

Dear Milly, If you suggested counceling years ago it's time to remind him again. He may not be even be aware of how unhappy you are, you have to talk to him! Men and women are so different in that respect.

I have to agree with the others who say go to counseling even if it's by yourself, it may wake him up as to how serious you are and get him to go too. I would say it is easy to just walk away and start a new life, except you have children, it isn't just your life....it's theirs too and a huge responsibility.

With counseling and a desire on your's and your mate's part perhaps you can find each other again. They say A good marriage takes work and time, they aren't just a kidding!

Staying together "for the kids" won't work if you're both not willing to work toward a good marriage. But lets be honest, divorce takes a terrible toll on children. It's up to you and your husband to decide together, is it worth saving?

I wish you and your husband the very best and encourage you to talk to him Milly. He's your husband, reach out to him now, be strong and clear about how you feel and hopefully he'll respond. Sincerely, Nancy

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 12:31 PM

Ya... kick him to the curb!

Seriously... get gone... and don't let anyone tell you you should stay together for the sake of the kids...

Good luck to ya eh!

;-)

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: katlaughing
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 12:45 PM

Milly, how old are the children?

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: Katcina
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 12:48 PM

I was having a little, very little empathy for the guy, but after your last post Milly I have to totally agree with Clinton. Get out and get a real life, you deserve a lot better.

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: kendall
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 12:50 PM

I am a child of divorce. No, I was not the cause, so I have had some experience with this. Divorce is hard on children. But, it is much harder on them to live in a house where the parents obviously dont get along. When my parents split up all I felt was relief. You say you cant imagine staying with him and you cant imagine beig without him? Are you familiar with the phrase, "Caged bear syndrome"? If a bear lives in a cage for a long time, it wont come out even if you leave the door open.We are no different.As Shakespere said "Better to suffer the devils we know than to fly to those whom we know not." Something like that.

You have to ask permission to watch TV? Read the 13th amendment to the Constitution.

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 12:51 PM

"divorce takes a terrible toll on children."

But the toll isn't half as bad as growing up in a house where mom and dad hate each other... Kids know that kind of stuff... I think it's better for them to suffer in the short term than long term...

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: katlaughing
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 12:59 PM

I agree and so do my kids, who''ve been through it.

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: Naemanson
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 01:01 PM

Been There, Done That, Got The T-Shirt!

In my case I was the husband and she was asking for the divorce. We had been together 17 years. Your description sounds very familiar however she had asked for the divorce twice before and each time we managed to convince ourselves (myself?) that we could make it work.

No matter how you tell him it's gonna hurt. Just do it. As Kendall says, if you think he might be violent then have help standing by and then get out of the house. DO NOT HAVE A MALE BE YOUR HELPER!!! That will make things worse (We are talking basic animal instinct here.)

Assuming no violence and outrage then you can, after the tears, start to work together on splitting up the family and possessions. This is going to be hard. You may feel nothing for him now but you are about to open up a whole new range of emotions. Work with your counselor. You will need him/her.

Here in Maine it is possible to do your own divorce and avoid paying for a set of lawyers. Check to see if that is available in your state/locale.

The most important point is to keep things as amicable as possible. My wife and I worked to keep things from being too stressful on the kids and were largely successful. Once the decision was made we had to prepare paperwork and sell the house. We split the proceeds 75-25 and went on to build other lives.

She is now happily re-married. I am still single and lonely. That's life. We'd both be miserable if we'd stayed together. I have been in one very happy relationship and will someday be in another.

Good luck.

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 01:01 PM

See... the voice of experience!

;-)

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 01:46 PM

You can, too, have a male be a helper. Don't be alone, really. Also, do you HAVE to tell him anything? Think about just packing up and going somewhere safe with the children. If he asks why, answer truthfully. If he wants you back, insist on counseling, and DON'T GO BACK till you think it's OK. If you never think it's OK, trust your instincts and don't go back. My voice of experience...

Sounds awful, honey. PM if you want some sympathy without advice, I'm not offering it here as that isn't what the thread is about... If you can't PM, I think my email is on the Resource page. I am assuming you are posting as Guest for personal reasons but are actually a member...

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: katlaughing
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 01:52 PM

I have to agree with Mrzzy, another male can be very helpful in such a situation. Also agree that maybe you should just get out, then tell him. Doesn't sound like a good or confortable situation any way round. Above all, be safe.

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: Pseudolus
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 02:01 PM

I've been on the other side of the fence also. My wife knew that our marriage was over and was going on with the business of continuing her life (sort of) but without leaving the house. I had no idea! This made the hurt worse. We have two kids together and both of us felt that the kids were to be the number one priority. It took time to get over but now, about seven years later, my ex-wife is one of my best friends. She gets along royally with my wife and we all get together for special events in the kids lives. People think it is strange because anger and resentment are thought to be required in divorce but they don't have to be and they aren't in mine. It wasn't easy and it took a while but one thing's for certain, the healing can't start until the divorce does. The most important thing in my mind is don't wait. get it done and over with, the weight off your shoulders will be tremendous!!!

Frank

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: GUEST
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 02:15 PM

In my experience, no man ever believes you are serious when you want to talk about issues in marriage. Then, when you say you're leaving, they suddenly become willing to go to counselling. By then it's far too late. Your SO doesn't seem to respect you very much. That sets a really bad example to your children, regardless of gender.

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: annamill
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 02:28 PM

No one has mentioned the children?? What is their relationship with Dad? Is there absolutely no chance that you could love him again at some point? I have found through the years that sometimes I didn't love my husband(not Honey) for long periods, and then he would do something that endeared him to me again. Usually after I told him things just weren't right between us.

Go to him, without arguing, and tell him how you feel and that you are actually considering a divorce. After he blows up, storms around threatening you, and he finally calms down, ask him if he is ready to talk. Tell him you two need to talk, and very soon, and that you're serious.

You have to go from there. Both of you have to keep it civilized for the children. After all is done, you're divorced, living your new life and comparatively happy, they'll still be hurting. So keep it gentle and as painless as possible for them.

Don't do all this with the children around. Do it when you and he are alone.

I wish you good luck. I finally did it after 17 yrs of marriage and like Kendall, I only regret I hadn't done it sooner.

Love, annamill

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 02:58 PM

Sounds like an emotionally tough situation to be in. I'm afraid I'm with those who think "having to ask permission to watch TV (or anything else)" spells the end of any REAL reconciliation. The process of separating is excruciating, but I have to say that the folks I know who've "re-invented" themselves are some of the happiest I've seen.

There IS a better life for you out there. Unhappy people together don't make happy children.

Good luck.

Rick

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: Naemanson
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 03:12 PM

Re: Male Helper

I lost my last SO to another man. Our relationship was really over before he came along but I kept on working away at it. When reality hit me I went through every negative emotion known to the human race. I may have even invented a few!

My point is that a male helper, even being completely innocent, will cloud the issue. There is a basic instinct that will kick in and no amount of explanation will be able to keep the husband from thinking of the helper as a rival. If Milly is going to keep this as easy as possible she needs to be aware of the potential emotions and reactions her husband will exhibit and work to ease them as much as possible. If he isn't going to a counselor then he is going to be facing this alone.

Concerning the kids... As I said we worked together to keep them from getting too stressed. They were 14 and 12 years old. We gave them the option of who to live with and they chose to live with their mother. I believe she may have pressured them but I didn't fight it. A year after the divorce the older one moved in with me and now I have the younger one so I "win" in the end.

The worst thing you can do is leave the kids out of the equation. Kids are already essentially powerless. When the family breaks up they can possibly see themselves as being at fault. They can also feel helpless and alone. You and your husband will have to work at reassuring them that everything will be all right. Their father/mother will not be far away and they will be able to see him/her and talk to him/her when they need to.

Milly, no matter what your differences with your husband I hope you and he are able to do this amicably and minimize the stress on the kids.

Good Luck

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: kendall
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 03:13 PM

Sorry Guest, but, men dont have a monopoly on not hearing. I tried to talk to her for 10 years, but, she had this annoying habit of selective deafness.If she didnt want to hear it, she didnt hear it. It was just as though I had not spoken at all.Then, when it was too late, and I was leaving, she wanted to get a marriage councilor in on it.He told her that as long as one partner did not want to save it, then it was hopeless. She still didnt hear it.

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: Pseudolus
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 03:28 PM

I agree that a male "helper" is not a good idea. If there is a potential issue then try your best to do it in a public place, outside the home. If you can't get him to agree, then (last resort) use the phone. I still think that doing this as fast as you can is the best thing.

One last note. I went back and read all of your posts again. Aside from, "I can't imagine my life without him", I don't see ANY positive comments about him. He doesn't like your friends, makes you ask permission to watch TV, and doesn't bath often......seems that even that comment might not be a positive one. Maybe what you can't imagine is how great life could be if you could just start over again..... The rest of your life is waiting....

Frank

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: Irish sergeant
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 03:37 PM

My divorce was amicable and no children were involved. My advice is a guess as each circumstance is different. If you feel he will be violent by all means have a witness there and a male relative would be my choice. If he won't get counseling, you have to pull the pin, Milly. I'm not a huge advocate of divorce but this guy sounds like he's a violent controlling individual. He doesn't appear to be interested in you or in maintaining the marriage. Staying married for the children isn't a workable solution. They know and will be resentful if you stay in a hate filled relationship. Nobody wins in that game. You have a hard row to how, young Lady. I feel for you. I hope and pray that this works out for you. Kindest reguards, Neil

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: Naemanson
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 04:10 PM

By all means, a male RELATIVE would be all right as a helper. I'm sorry I didn't think of that myself.

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: GUEST,Mr X
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 04:24 PM

COMMUNICATION

Does he know you feel like that?

Why do you feel like that?

If he does not know how can he change?

Have you told him over the years about times that have made you feel uncumfortable?

You loved each other years ago, you most probably you still love him now its just that the years have passed and your needs have somehow been set a side, which you may not have minded, but over the last 7 years you have not accepeted this as much. Have you told him this?

He is obiously a good man, as you said he is a good farther you said it yourself, he is probably a real good husband. Is 20 years of marrage and at least 13 of these have been happy.

Is it just that you don't feel that you are getting what you want out of the relationship, which can happen after a long time of marrage as you naturally take rolls (his is shouting at the kids, which may make him the dominent partner?) The key thing though is HAVE YOU TOLD HIM when your needs are not being met.

I would strongly suggest marrage counciling that way you would be giving it another try and you canb ether keep going or part in a dignified way, which is better for your childrens sake.

Yours, Mr X

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: catspaw49
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 04:27 PM

Hmmmmm.......So Spaceman doesn't bathe huh? Perhaps this is why his student's are crying.

Spaw

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: kendall
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 04:29 PM

We still dont know the ages of the children.

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: Llanfair
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 04:39 PM

When you do make the break...and you will....be very careful about rebound relationships.
Your SO has seriously undermined your self confidence and self image, otherwise you would have given him his marching orders long ago, so, when you start developing relationships with men who respect and value you, it feels very much like love. It's not.
Enjoy the new feelings and relationships, DON'T enter into a long term relationship, specially one that involves washing socks, until at least 2 years after the divorce.
I'm in my third, very happy marriage, but the second was a mistake. So was the first, but for different reasons.
Cheers, Bron.
PS, Life is far too short to put up with people you don't like.

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: SINSULL
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 07:57 PM

I believe Spaw has nailed this one. Millie, Mr.X, Spaceman, etc. are one and the same. More to be pitied than censured.

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: Sorcha
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 08:03 PM

I agree with Spaw on this one, too. But, ya know, who ever this is really knows how to push our buttons,no? Kids, SO's, emotional pain, etc. But, the flip side is:

If ever anyone should really need any good advice on the subjects, its here! We all do know that people in emotional pain come to the Internet, and Mudcat members tend to come to Mudcat first.........so, perhaps all is not in vain, after all.

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: SINSULL
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 08:33 PM

Agreed Sorcha. And it is always interesting to learn a little more about fellow members. Good decent people.

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: flattop
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 10:13 PM

I think Milly is real.

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: kendall
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 10:13 PM

I got suspicious when I couldn't get the ages of the kids..

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: Sorcha
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 10:16 PM

HEY, MILLY!!! Wanna tell us about the kids? How old are they? What do they say, assuming they are old enuf to have a say? Calling Milly..........come in Milly.....

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: flattop
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 10:22 PM

You cynical bastard Sorcha!

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: Sorcha
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 11:06 PM

YEP, thas me, 'cept I is a cynical Bitch........not a bastard. Besides, I been there, and this is not exactly the way to solve problems, now is it?

Damn few people have ever accused me of being a "nice" person........and those that have were wrong. Female, helpful, guilty, passive/agressive, depressive, all those fit, but "bastard" being primarily Male, does not. Sorry, flattop, hon, but I've learned to laugh at this sort of stuff. And to figure out who/what is really in need.

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: flattop
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 11:10 PM

I take it back when you call me hon.

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: SINSULL
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 11:12 PM

Sorcha! So the old girl has gotten past the bullshit and rejoined us. Good to have you back. I hate to be the one to break this to you but everyone here thinks you're SOOOO NICE! Go hug your kids and come back smiling.

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: Sorcha
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 11:14 PM

"Honey, honey, now....." don't get steamed, I seldom do anymore. And I is a bitch, I admit that.......(grin)

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: Naemanson
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 11:21 PM

Sorcha, I hate to burst your bubble, but as a female it is possible for you to be a bastard and a bitch.

Bastard, in its proper definition, is applied equally to male and female children of unmarried parental units.

So are you a Bitch Bastard? Or a really nice person who's trying to portray herself as a BB.

Let's hear it from those who know Sorcha personally...

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: Sorcha
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 11:28 PM

LOL, naemeson! I guess you are right! I am the product of a married union,(3 yrs before I was born) so I guess I am just a bitch, not a Bastard bitch.........and as far as I am concerned, Bitch bitch in both meanings of the word........Oh, naemeson, you made me giggle with that one! Good on ya! I'm a WitchBitch too.........but not a very powerful one. Just a Novice WannaBe.

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: wysiwyg
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 11:29 PM

I believe the correct term for addressing Ms. Sorcha is BesBud. It seems to sum it all up, at least to me.

~S~

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: flattop
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 11:30 PM

Now don't go picking on that nice lady who called me hon, Naemanson.

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: wysiwyg
Date: 23 Feb 01 - 11:32 PM

Yeah, hon, don't pick on hon, hon likes her.

~Hon

(hi Bill!)