Puns: Give us your worst/best

Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 07:50 AM

This was told by my woodwork teacher in 1968 so bear in mind some of the terms may not be politicaly correct. Please be aware that no offense is intended!

An American Indian Chief had 3 wives. The first he held in high regard and so he sat her on a hide made of Buffalo. The second he also held in high esteem and sat her on the skin of a mountain lion. The third, and youngest, he loved dearly and had a hippopotomus hide specialy imported for her.

The years passed and his three wives bore him a fine son each. The two elder wives however became bitter and jelous of the younger. When their boys were old enough they told them to go and murder the child of the youngest.

One dark night they crept from their tents to commit the foul deed but the son of the youngest wife woke and fought of his two half brothers bravely and so survived. Just proving that...

The son of the squaw on the hippopotomus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

Cheers

Dave the Gnome

Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Les from Hull
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 07:41 AM

An Inuit, fed up of hunting seals in the long cold winter bought a paraffin (kerosene) stove. Unfortunately a big wave upset it and he was very badly burned. Ah well, you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: catspaw49
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 07:38 AM

Those really suck guys!!! GREAT JOB!!!!! As for me, well..........Awhile back we were running a thread discussing the Tallahatchee Bridge and the story of Billie Joe and all of that. I posted this one and it suckered in a lot of folks. These are always better if you pull them off in context.......Anyway, here ya' go.

The story of Billie Joe is based in truth but stylized to some degree. It is an old story, dating back to the the late 40's when the only daughter of John Hatch, a Mississippi Klansman of some note, was in love with the first black attorney in the state. Jubilee Simmons was the grandson of slaves and had gone to school at the University of Chicago and returned to his family's home state, taking up residence in Carroll county in 1948.

John Hatch's daughter was known to be a bit wild and young Kelli had already incurred her father's wrath on numerous occasions. Kelli was living with two other 22 year old women in the small town of Campton, Mississippi when she met and began dating Simmons. Her father learned of it a few weeks later and came into town drunk with some Klan buddies to hunt down and kill Simmons. Simmons law offices were in the county courthouse and from an open window he could hear the drunken invectives hurled his way from across the square. He slipped out a back door of the courthouse and went to Kelli's house to take her away and save them both from the murderous rancor of her father and his "brethren."

Not finding Jubilee in his office the Klansmen split up to search for him and John Hatch went to his daughter's, presumably to beat her or possibly worse. He arrived before the pair had left and headed in the back porch door adjoining the kitchen. Seeing him coming, Simmons grabbed a kitchen knife and jumped atop the counter and then onto the top of the refrigerator that stood by the door. As John Hatch passed, he didn't notice Simmons who then jumped him safely from behind and in the ensuing struggle, Hatch was stabbed with the knife. The lovers bagged his body and threw it off a bridge on their way out of town. They were on their way to Chicago when they were arrested in Clarksville, Tennessee and returned for trial in Mississippi. Jubilee represented both and thanks to the testimony of one of the roommates and Mrs. Hatch who had suffered abuse for years at the hands of her husband, both were acquitted and moved to Chicago where he established a moderately successful practice on the south side.

The original song told the story as it was, but owing to legal considerations, the Gentry version was done instead. The original was titled, "The Day that Jubilee the Barrister Jumped Off of Kelli Hatch's Fridge."

Spaw

Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: kendall
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 07:31 AM

A man was in a serious accident in Australia. He was taken to Mercy Hospital, and, had to undergo a long healing process. Every day the nurse would come to his room with a vile mixture which he had to drink. One day, he asked what that stuff was made with, and the nurse told him it was ground up Koala bear, made into a tea. He asked if they could at least strain the hair out of it, and she said, "Oh no sir, the koala tea of Mercy is not strained."

Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Crazy Eddie
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 07:30 AM

One particular butcher was so successful, he wound up owning large numbers of slaughter-houses, and had lots of money. To gave his two sons a good start in life he bought them a cattleranch. The boys couldn't agree on a name for the ranch, so the agreed to ask their father to name it. The father thought for a minute, then declared "It's obvious, there's only one name that fits. It must be called the Focus Ranch .
Why was this the obvious name?

Subject: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Big Mick
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 07:17 AM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

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Let's have some fun. Mudcat wit is legendary, post your best (or worst, depending on point of view) pun/play on words here. I will start with this one.

PM

Once upon a time there was a guy called Stan Roberts.

Stan had done very well for himself. He had a great job that paid well enough for him to live in a fantastic six bedroom house and to cap it all he had a girlfriend called Lorraine Butt who was very beautiful and he liked her a lot.

One day when out for an evening with friends he met a another girl. Her name was Claire Lee and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.

But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Claire while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing for it but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He just didn't know what to do. Eventually he summons up the courage and takes her for a walk along the river bank. They are just starting out when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. He dived in after her but the current rapidly carried her off and she drowned despite his efforts to save her.

The guy got out stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing.......

READY?

....................."I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone"