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BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain

Little Hawk 23 Jul 04 - 12:35 PM
freda underhill 23 Jul 04 - 12:23 PM
freda underhill 23 Jul 04 - 10:15 AM
freda underhill 23 Jul 04 - 09:55 AM
Little Hawk 19 Jul 04 - 12:21 PM
freda underhill 19 Jul 04 - 09:30 AM
freda underhill 19 Jul 04 - 08:04 AM
GUEST,Natasha 19 Jul 04 - 03:58 AM
GUEST,amalia clawall 19 Jul 04 - 01:18 AM
Little Hawk 18 Jul 04 - 09:54 PM
Little Hawk 18 Jul 04 - 08:07 PM
John MacKenzie 18 Jul 04 - 01:11 PM
freda underhill 18 Jul 04 - 09:15 AM
freda underhill 18 Jul 04 - 08:28 AM
GUEST,amalia clawall 18 Jul 04 - 08:01 AM
GUEST,Natasha Smasher 18 Jul 04 - 07:06 AM
GUEST,bleeding gums boris 18 Jul 04 - 06:49 AM
freda underhill 18 Jul 04 - 05:57 AM
freda underhill 18 Jul 04 - 05:09 AM
freda underhill 18 Jul 04 - 04:39 AM
Once Famous 15 Jul 04 - 11:04 PM
freda underhill 15 Jul 04 - 07:31 PM
GUEST,Lucavan 15 Jul 04 - 03:11 PM
GUEST,amalia clawall 14 Jul 04 - 09:36 AM
freda underhill 14 Jul 04 - 09:10 AM
Little Hawk 11 Jul 04 - 08:50 PM
GUEST,Bleeding Gums Boris 10 Jul 04 - 11:08 PM
freda underhill 10 Jul 04 - 10:48 PM
JennieG 10 Jul 04 - 09:55 PM
freda underhill 09 Jul 04 - 11:43 PM
freda underhill 09 Jul 04 - 12:16 PM
freda underhill 30 Jun 04 - 10:26 AM
freda underhill 30 Jun 04 - 10:03 AM
Little Hawk 29 Jun 04 - 12:47 PM
freda underhill 28 Jun 04 - 08:15 PM
Little Hawk 28 Jun 04 - 03:53 PM
Little Hawk 27 Jun 04 - 09:03 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 27 Jun 04 - 06:00 PM
GUEST,amalia clawall 26 Jun 04 - 09:41 PM
freda underhill 26 Jun 04 - 08:02 PM
Little Hawk 26 Jun 04 - 12:58 PM
freda underhill 26 Jun 04 - 11:38 AM
Little Hawk 18 Jun 04 - 07:50 AM
freda underhill 17 Jun 04 - 10:38 PM
Little Hawk 16 Jun 04 - 10:36 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 15 Jun 04 - 08:44 PM
Little Hawk 15 Jun 04 - 12:13 AM
freda underhill 14 Jun 04 - 11:36 AM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 15 May 04 - 02:38 PM
GUEST,amalia clawall 15 May 04 - 08:19 AM

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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 23 Jul 04 - 12:35 PM

It's even worse when you deliver a stunningly apt diatribe on some vitally important issue and get so excited that you don't realize until after hitting "submit" that you left out one little tiny word in the text...the word "not".


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 23 Jul 04 - 12:23 PM

um, and some people never recover from the shock of continually finding spelling errors just in the worst spot..


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 23 Jul 04 - 10:15 AM

Freda and JennyO took a quiet seat in the corner, checking out the scene. The usual crowd was there - a bunch of derros in the corner, drinking beer and singing songs about sheep, Mr Chongo had rolled up and was having a quiet one at his table. The usual balding pseudos in black skivvys, black framed glasses and bad jeans, and a bunch of kids round the pool table.

And there was Magenta, chatting up Vlad like he was the only man in London. Some young women never recovered from the shock of growing breats, thought Freda while jennyO went off to get the drinks.

"Hey, blondie, wanna drink?" Freda looked up to see a pugnacious looking bloke with startlingly deep, dark eyes, a good jaw, and dark hair. She sized him up, checked out the socks and sandals, and said "haven't seen you round here before. Pull up a chair.."

JennyO came back to find Freda deep in conversation with someone she was refrring to as JC. He had a quiet sense of humour, at least, JennyO hoped he was joking about the goats..


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 23 Jul 04 - 09:55 AM

"Listen, love", said Mabel to the tall, aesthetic looking man with the shock of brown curly hair. "There's a bloke over there, and I think he's a bit off. He's been sitting there perving at this couple here at the bar for at least half an hour".

"Yes, Mabel", said the Aesthete, "but does he keep goats, otherwise I'm not interested", and he turned to his offsider, a swarthy man reminiscent of Johhny Cash, (lets call him JC) and said, "and they have to be cashmere goats, the others give me rug burn".

JC looked across. "Listen lady, he ain't doing anybody no harm, okay? That'll be six bottles of vodka, thanks".


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 19 Jul 04 - 12:21 PM

"Yew look loik a right corker. 'Ow's about buyin' a lady a drink?" Mabel uttered these deathless words as she flounced up to Chongo's table.

Chongo glanced up at her from under his lowered brow ridges. He didn't need this complication right now. "Where is she?" he said, looking around skeptically.

"Wot?" said Mabel. "Roight 'ere, where d'yew think? I was talkin' about meself."

"You're the barmaid, right?" said Chongo. "I don't have to buy you a drink. You can just get one."

"You're an American, aren't you?" said Mabel, examining her nails cooly as she sat down.

"Yeah. I'm from Chicago. Just...um...flew into town, so to speak."

Mabel ran her tongue silkily over her garishly red lips. "Oi knew it. 'As anyone told you you're 'airier than Sean Connery? So, Mr American, are you in London for business...or pleasure...or both?"

"Business," said Chongo.

Mabel looked at him crossly. "Oi'm beginnin' to think you don't loik me."

"Listen, sister," said Chongo. "There are times for this sort of thing and there are other times. This happens to be one of the other times, that's all. Nothin' personal, but I got a life and death matter to take care of right now, and I ain't free."

Mabel drew in her breath sharply, clenched her fists and sprang out of her chair angrily. "You'll be sorry, Mr American! Nobody makes a monkey out of Mabel Blodgett, not in this 'ere establishment!" She stormed off in the direction of the bar.

"Naw...why try and pre-empt what Mother Nature already done better?" said Chongo sarcastically under his breath. He resumed watching what Vlad and Magenta were up to.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw Mabel talking to a couple of ugly looking sods by the bar and pointing his way. Uh-oh. "I have gotta work on bein' more diplomatic," thought Chongo.


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 19 Jul 04 - 09:30 AM

All Magenta knew was that he was full of himself. Not one question in her direction, not a whisker of interest in her hopes, dreams, or digestion. He was like reader's digest, blithering on about faded historical events as if he had been there. He's nothing but a hunk of meat, tasty, but needs alittle tenderising, and deserved to be treated exactly as HE was treating her, like an object. She would enjoy reversing roles, once she had a more private opportunity.

Oh, God, here come those ninnies, Freda, JennyO and Sandra. A bunch of old whithersticks, busybodies determined to interfere, maybe even hoping to get their teeth into Vlad. Well, too bad, he's mine, they can go home and sleep with their garters on.


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 19 Jul 04 - 08:04 AM

Vladimir was feeling rather pleased with himself. He was getting a little .. long in the tooth , these days, but the women still melted at his feet. It had been interesting spending time with Magenta, a time of reflection, of self examination, in the highest sense, of course. Somehow she had made him think about things from a long time past..

Magenta was getting impatient. She liked the look of him, tall, bone ivory skin and those piercing eyes. But he did rabbit on so. What the hell was he talking about now?

"In my younger years, Draconia took me often to Paris, for my political education. Often would we stroll through the charming Place de la Concorde, where we observed more than 1300 beheadings. You may think I was mere rabble, stalking the blood, screams and stench of the guillotine. But I admired the technical art of the machinery of the thing, and the quickness and efficiency of its technique. As one of your own poets put it so well…

Bliss was it in that dawn to be alive
But to be young was very heaven!....
Domestic carnage, now filled the whole year
With feast-days, old men from the chimney-nook,
The maiden from the busom of her love,
The mother from the cradle of her babe,
The warrior from the field - all perished, all -
Friends, enemies, of all parties, ages, ranks,
Head after head, and never heads enough
For those that bade them fall.

As he spoke, the familiar calls of Yoshikazu whirled through Vlad's brain, and recalled those tumbling heads, calling like crows into the blood sprayed air..


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,Natasha
Date: 19 Jul 04 - 03:58 AM

JennyO and Sandra looked at each other as the door closed behind Magenta. Freda was in the kitchen, bringing out the pavlova. "She's off her flaming rocker" said Jenny, watching as Freda brought in a monstrosity of whipped cream, merangue and passionfruit. "I just can't understand it - she must have been to one of those whacky seminars", muttered Sandra.

"Have some pav" said Freda, setting the pavlova, plates and forks on the table under the window, "what's the prob?" Freda reached across to the bookshelf, and picked up a battered copy of Gloria Steinem's "Outrageous Acts and Everyday Rebellions". "All she wants to do is express herself, give her a break"..

Jenny rolled her eyes. "Listen Freda, just because she wants to be empowered doesn't give her the right to race off young blokes, knock them up and then knock them off..."

"Knock them off? you don't mean.."

"DO THEM IN, FREDA, DO THEM IN!" said Sandra and JennyO in chorus.

Freda paused, and turned round to serve the pavlova. There was Baxter, curled up by the fire, with a face covered of cream, while on the table was an empty plate.

Sandra and Jenny got up, picked up their bags, flung on their shawls and headed for the door. "We're going to find her, Freda, and we know where she always hangs out...... The Black Lion".

They wandered down the street, Freda running along behind them with her hair glowing white under the street lamps.


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,amalia clawall
Date: 19 Jul 04 - 01:18 AM

"I, Count Vladimir the Inhaler, also known as Mudvig of Catnipia, was sent to Yale, on the instructions of my grandmother Draconia, to train in the subtle arts of international economic control. My childhood instruction from Hermann proved invaluable, not just the lessons in Mathematics and Discourse. The lessons I learnt from the sword and the whip assisted my rise in the international business world, for I translated the physical laws of endurance, avoidance and control into psychic laws around the boardroom table and in the stock market. I became Vladimir the Invicible..."

"Not only a sook", thought Magenta, "this guy has extreme delusions of grandeur. I guess being knocked around by Hermann over the decades probably did it for him - what a nutcase." Magenta had always been extremely bored by any talk of economics. The topic was as obscure as philosphy, and as reliable. But she knew what she wanted, she was happy to give Vlad a run for his money.

"why, thank you, Vladimir, I'd like another drink", and she smiled sweetly as he nodded to the broad behind the bar.


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Jul 04 - 09:54 PM

Mabel the barmaid had been eyeing Chongo for some time. "Cor!" she remarked to Nigel the waiter. "E's got the 'airiest arms I've ever seen. I bet 'e's an animal be'ind closed doors!"

Nigel shrugged delicately, and collected his next tray of cocktails. "They're all animals behind closed doors, love," he sighed in a worldweary fashion. "Trust me."

Mabel didn't acknowledge Nigel's comment. She was too busy staring at Chongo and breathing heavily. She checked her hair quickly in the mirror, then made for Chongo's table. In her ears she fancied she heard an accompanying musical soundtrack, matched to her every scintillating move. It was Pat Benatar singing "Love is a Battlefield".

Vlad was continuing to reminisce about his misspent youth, and the hideous wallpaper that graced the establishment was still unaccountably maintaining its customary vertical attachment to the dingy walls, despite the fact that it looked ready to crawl out of the room at any moment or grab someone by the throat.

In the distance the uncoiling filth of the Thames crawled slowly like an overfed serpent to its bed in the North Sea.


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Jul 04 - 08:07 PM

Chongo could hardly believe what he was seeing. That undead Transylvanian scumbag, Vladimir, was "chatting up" Magenta, as the British would say, casting his net about her lovely and vulnerable self in no uncertain fashion...and she appeared to be eating it up! Did she not remember that Vlad was deadly dangerous? How could she have forgotten it?

"She's gotta be hypnotized," he muttered. "It said in them library books that these bloodsuckers have hypnotic powers, and I guess they do. Now he's probably gonna try to sneak her off alone somewhere, make like she's the blood bank and he needs to make a big withdrawal. Rotten creep! He's like a cheap loan shark in a fancy tux." Chongo nursed his drink morosely and watched from the shadows.


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 18 Jul 04 - 01:11 PM

His name was Svengali, and he should of course, have been wearing a trilby. If you want to get ahead, get a hat, his Mother had said, but he was fed-up with the fedora, and wanted to wear an Akubra. The obvious answer was to get another head. But where?

Giok


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 18 Jul 04 - 09:15 AM

I am Count Vladimir the Inhaler, also known as Mudvig of Catnipia, the Third. I was born in a castle in Lower Catnipia, Transylvania, on Friday the 13th of December, 1763. My mother, Draconia the Seventh, is a wild and powerful woman, as famous in Catnipia for her dragon riding as for her collection of pet bats.

"At least this guy's got some imagination", thought Magenta, I'm so sick of those beer sodden football louts and boring accountants. This is going to be fun"..

"As a child, my tutor Hermann was directed to instruct me in the Greater Arts – Greek, Latin, Physics, Sword Fighting, Harmonics, Wrestling, Mathematics and Sanskrit. Hermann was a strict master, as I soon learnt if I misplaced my logarithms or muddled a mantra. He would order me to kneel at his feet, to disrobe from the waist up, and submit to wild thrashings from his dragon-tail whip. I learnt to be a proud and dedicated student, and soon, no-one in all Catnipia could better my understanding of Alchemy, Medieval tapestry technique or the preparation of curried bats.

But, within me, my soul was oppressed by the constant beatings, and my heart became a bitter and bleeding flower, longing for love.

"Here we go," thought Magenta, another bloody emotionally retarded narcissist wanting a mother figure. Well, he's going to get more than he expects from me"..

She gazed into Vlad's rather pink eyes, and smiled at him, squeezing his arm gently, as she fluttered her lashes...

In the corner of the pub, a dark figure in a coat and fedors sat watching, quietly..


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 18 Jul 04 - 08:28 AM

Vladimir had seen Magenta come in here, and slipped in through the back window, to the gents. In the peace and quiet of the cubicle, he brought a little plastic bag with white powder out of his pocket, and tipped some into a cigarette roley. With two huge snorts, one in each flaring nostril, he was invigorated.

He moved into the bathroom and leant over the sink, washing the coke, and bat's blood off his fingers, nose, and beard. He loved the aroma of bat blood, but there was a time and place for everything. He pressed the button, dried his hands, face and beard meticulously under the blow drier, and filled up the sink. For some reason, Vlad had found that mirrors didn't work for him. So he gazed at his refiection in the water, turning his face from left to right, enjoying what he saw.

Then, he adjusted his cape, popped a mint, and wandered up to the bar, taking the seat right next to Magenta. She gazed up at him with an animated smile, flashing those huge white teeth. Funny, he hadn't noticed the teeth before.

"Vlad, darling, you're back! It's so good to see you", she purred. Vlad watched her beautiful white neck as she spoke, knowing how good it smelt. She was gazing into his eyes, and touched his pin striped trouser with her gentle white hand. This was going well.

Vladimir could see her lilac decoupage rising and falling as he ordered her a cointreau, and a bloody Mary for himself. "Tell me about yourself, Vlad..." she smiled, with a sort of helpless giggle, gazing up at him with those baby blue eyes.

Vlad could feel the vein on his throat throbbing. She was interested in him. No-one had ever asked him about himself before. He gazed down at her, pathetic little minx that she was. This one was going to be fun.


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,amalia clawall
Date: 18 Jul 04 - 08:01 AM

Well, after all this, the night had been uneventful. It had given Chongo a chance to do a few wheelies in his chocolate and tan Packard. He had followed Vlad, who had managed to leap over a fence somewhere.

Then he saw her. Chongo couldn't help himself...he grinned widely, cos she had those looong legs. Magenta walked out the front door, down the street, and into .....

the Black Lion. What was it with this joint? Those damn beatniks with their beards and the strange noises they made, sometimes all wailing together. However, any chance to be near that dame was worth it.


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,Natasha Smasher
Date: 18 Jul 04 - 07:06 AM

Bertie the bat manged to flutter across to the oak, his face all covered in fresh blood, parks himself in a hollow of the tree to get some rest. No such luck. Pretty soon all the other bats in the tree can smell the blood, and begin hassling him about where he got it. He tells them to get nicked and let him get some sleep, but they persist until he finally gives in.

"Okay, follow me", he says, with the gorgeous blood still dripping from his mouth, and flies out of the tree with hundreds of bats behind him. Across the back yard, over a few roofs and fences. Finally Bertie slows down and all the other bats excitedly swarm around, tongues hanging out for blood.

"Do you see that brick outhouse over there?" he asks.

"Yes!Yes!Yes!" the bats all scream in a frenzy.

"Good, because I didn't".


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,bleeding gums boris
Date: 18 Jul 04 - 06:49 AM

Chongo scratched his hairy little ape skull in puzzlement. There, underneath the hydrangea, was not chickenshit, but the most foul smelling canned vegies he's ever seen, with something black and rubbery sticking out….. bat wings…. Whoever these people were, they needed to learn how to compost properly.

He followed the sound of women's voices, standing under the window, where he could see…

Her beautiful curves, listen to her honey voice, and think about running his fingers through her long, black, glossy hair.. Chongo forgot everything and quietly watched, as Magenta was standing, waving her arms, and shouting something about overcoming oppression of a will... was she having probate problems?


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 18 Jul 04 - 05:57 AM

Vladimir was standing very still, behind an old brick outhouse in the back yard. He had been watching Chongo shuffling, sneaking, wandering through the flowers and trees. Vladimir eyed him, itching to pounce, waiting for the perfect moment, when WOOOSSSH! SPLAT!!!!

The furry black shape fell at his feet, as another flapped past, frantically heading towards a huge old oak in th next yard..

" The Universe provides once more". Vladimir smiled, and forgot all about Chongo as he peeled back the little bat's skin. It wriggled, screeched and flapped in vain while Vlad ripped his teeth into its bleeding flesh, biting again and again in frenzied delight..


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 18 Jul 04 - 05:09 AM

Jennyo was stunned. Baxter was okay, an old cat, standoffish on occasion, liked his food. She had never seen him so wound up. Sandra pursed her lips and kept knitting. She was knitting a long scarf in shades of rose, carmine and indigo. Freda was peering out the window – and her leg hairs stood on end… She was sure she could see a dark shape, very still, behind the Japanese maple.

Magenta looked up, smiling. "What do you think, girls?"

Sandra paused, "Well, why don't you tell us, Magenta, what's in it for you with this vampire stuff? "

Magenta smiled. The mythology of Lamia is that of the survivor, saying "I'm not going to be oppressed. I think every woman should revolt. That's part of growing up, right? You have to revolt, branch out, and move things forward.

"This is new, for you Magenta", said Jennyo, "you're usually so accepting"

Magenta laughed. " I'm sick of being a doormat, she said. I think life should be initiating. You know, we join these groups and go through these theatrical performances about what initiation is, but it should be related to the everyday world and that should be the real adventure and initiation, not to isolate yourself in the Mudcat chat room or whatever. Real initiation takes place in the outside world. These experiences we put ourselves through should be a catalyst to initiation.

"And why Lamia" said Freda.
"Lamia is a symbol" said Magenta. " She has shown me that there's another way.. I don't want to be passive. I don't want to be a victim. I don't want life to be a choice between one night stands with Casanovas, and washing Simon's socks. Lamia has shown me that we see things as they are and not as, our egos would like to see things…. I've realised that either men use me or I use them, you have to be either a victim or a persecutor. And I'm not going to be a victim any more…

And I'm so sick of being good all the time. Good and evil are two sides of a coin, light and darkness. Both exist in nature, and the world is suffering because we're all trying to be so good, yet letting ourselves be walked over by evil. It's TIME TO RISE UP AND AVENGE THE OPPRESSION OF OUR WILL, TO GAIN OUR PERSONAL POWER! "
Sandra, Jennyo, and Freda nodded. It all made sense. Magenta looked more alive than they'd seen her for ages. Maybe this was a good thing?


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 18 Jul 04 - 04:39 AM

Chongo adjusted his trench coat – he'd had a quick check of the scene, and it was clear that there was more than daisies in this garden. In fact, Chongo couldn't work it all out. What in carnation was that flying past? A flying cat?

Maybe he'd smoked one too many funny one that afternoon. Just his luck, crawling about in the mud, climbing over fences, peering into windows. Everyone else home. Families, baked dinners, warm fires. And here he was, chasing some weirdo in a cape, sneaking through chickenshit. This was no life.

Chongo was just about to pack it in, when a familiar sound sent a shiver down his hairy back. A laugh, he knew that voice.. what?


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Once Famous
Date: 15 Jul 04 - 11:04 PM

Hi Lucavan!

I know what you suck and it squirts more than an egg does!


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 15 Jul 04 - 07:31 PM

hi Lucavan

thanks for your intrusion - martin actually has a little role in the Black Lion, earlier in the piece on this thread. But if you want to understand Martin, check out this thread, we have a comedian here in Oz who has a similar style of machine gun humour. (don't know if he eats weiner dogs or whatever)

www.austentayshus.com

best wishes

freda


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,Lucavan
Date: 15 Jul 04 - 03:11 PM

Martin Gibson is an eggsucking moron!!!

Excuse me for this unpleasant intrusion. I just thought it would help keep this very worthy thread refreshed and near the top of the board for awhile.


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,amalia clawall
Date: 14 Jul 04 - 09:36 AM

The door closed quietly behind JennyG.

Sandra, Jennyo, and Freda sat dumbstruck, wondering what the hell they could say to Magenta about the psychological impulses behind her stories that night. What could they, as women, learn from the archetypal themes Magenta had laid before them tonight, in her potent and powerful tale? Usually they pondered how, as sisters, they could strengthen their bonds against the oppressive male patriarchy that these stories often portrayed.

Most sessions, at least one would feel moved by the story of the night, and reveal a tale of abuse or betrayal from their past, as the themes triggered memories and feelings all too painful.. But tonight, they were all strangely silent, watching Magenta, who was breathing heavily and seemed overwhelmed by the bloody images she had just described.

As Freda got up and turned the light on, Baxter, her three legged cat, climbed up to the window and out.

Within a few seconds, ..HISSSSSS... WOWWWWWEEEE... Baxter lept back in, back arched, hair electrified, screamed, leapt onto Jennyo's lap, gripping his legs into her cloak and howling til his eyes popped.

Shiva, muttered Freda, what's out there?


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 14 Jul 04 - 09:10 AM

Chongo locked the car and strode towards Magenta's house. He'd had several near misses that night - maniacs on the road. All driving on the wrong side. And horns beeping like there was no tomorrow. These English drivers were all bark and no bite, he thought. If this was Chicago, there'd have been a 53 car pile up.

Chong knew he was close. He had located Vlad with a gold credit card check. He followed him from the ritzy joint in St James'Place to this terrace house. As he walked up the front step, Chongo was whacked by a pungent odour, coming from the hydrangeas.

"Some yuppy gardener's coated the place with chicken shit." He looked about the front of the house, wondering why the hell Vlad had gone there. Stepping lightly, he shuffled around to the back yard, swinging himself casually over a tall brick wall.


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 11 Jul 04 - 08:50 PM

Due to some unexplained anomaly in the fabric of time and space, Chongo had found himself unexpectedly living out a crime-solving episode in Chicago, USA and London, UK...at the same time! Not only that, in two different time periods! One minute he was on a street in 1940's Chicago, the next minute he was hailing a cab in Picadilly during...what? The Nineties? Hard to say. It was damned confusing, and it made it hard to concentrate on his job...which was to track down a vampire and put him on ice and rescue the fair maiden, Magenta.

There was one twist to the whole thing that intrigued Chongo, however. Although it was unacceptable...completely unacceptable...for a chimp to get romantically involved with a human dame in 1940's Chicago......it might not be unacceptable in London during whatever time period he was in...during the London sections of this caper.

This was going to be darned tricky. Thinking about it, the challenge appealed to him. Maybe, just maybe, he was going to get lucky. Unbelievably lucky. Weak-at-the-knees lucky! Million dollar banana lucky!!!

Chongo adjusted his fedora, and stepped jauntily out into the night. But was it a London night or a Chicago night?

"Bloody 'ell! Is that Austin Powers????" remarked a young gent to his companion. "Wait...no...'is teeth are bet'ter than Austin Powers' teeth. Crikey! 'E's an ugly one, though!"

It was clearly London at the moment.


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,Bleeding Gums Boris
Date: 10 Jul 04 - 11:08 PM

"I am Count Vladimir the Inhaler, also known as Mudvig of Catnipia, the Third. I fall at your feet, comely lass, overtaken with joy at the sight of your fair gentleness." The towering Vlad fell to his knees, his black cape folding around him. JennieG gazed into his hypnotic eyes, her heart beating passionately.

Who was this handsome stranger, gazing at her like some towering Goth? Jeremy Irons with black hair dye and lipstick? Daniel Day Lewis in a cloak? It was all so much Jennie forgot her little self and burped...

Vlad was overcome with a gaseous blast of garlic. He could feel his very liver curdling.. his stomach retching and his bones turning to milk.. He plunged his head into a nearby Hydrangea bush and vomited profoundly.

In the same moment, a car horn beeped. JennieG looked across to see, none other than, Himself.. relieved, she ran quickly across the road, into his warm and comforting arms. "How was the night, love?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 10 Jul 04 - 10:48 PM

Vladimir was thrilled. Who was this comely, russet haired angel? Her grey green eyes like pools of liquid water, the long, tawny locks like a fading fire? the lily white skin, scattered with gentle freckles like venusian stardust?

He knew that he could stir her embers... As he paid the strangely familiar looking taxi driver in the hat, Vladimir felt that all his Satanmasses had come at once...

He took her quivering arm and led her into the street. She was like a startled fawn, compliant, delicate, juicy....

"What is your name, sweet lamb", he whispered.

"Jennie Grace, and yours?""


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: JennieG
Date: 10 Jul 04 - 09:55 PM

AS JennieG stood on the doorstep the taxi slowly stopped. The driver reached back and opened the door....and slowly, as thogh mesmerised, she stepped in.

There was already someone sitting on the back seat, his eyes glowing green in the moonlight, teeth shining faintly. Someone she had been waiting for all her life....


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 09 Jul 04 - 11:43 PM

jennyG stood on the front doorstep, the door closed behind her. No, it wasn't Himself, it was a taxi, but she was glad to be out of there anyway. He'd turn up in a minute, and in the meantime she'd try and forget that horrible story that Magenta had told. ewhhhh...


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 09 Jul 04 - 12:16 PM

Magenta came in and sat down on the old couch. The story was welling up in her, she knew they'd enjoy it. She asked Freda to turn the light down, it was much easier to create atmosphere in the dark.

As Magenta rose to tell her tale, the light from a flickering candle lit up her face, her long raven hair flowed around her like a black cloak. Her lilac dress fell in folds to the floor. Her voice was low and hypnotic.

"Once, in the ancient times, there lived a beautiful and powerful queen, called Lamia. Lamia had lips like crushed pomegranites, hair like a river of fire, and a body carved of the purest mashed potato - white, savoury, and very comforting. Lamia was very beautiful and attracted the attention of the ever-watchful and far-seeing Zeus. He wooed her passionately, and when they came together the galaxies shook. He had many fair and beloved children with Lamia, but eventually Hera discovered their involvement and kidnapped the children. They disappeared, never to be seen again. Lamia felt like her heart was ripped into a thousand peices, her scream could be heard from one end of the universe to another. This loss drove Lamia insane...

JennyG was feeling a little nervous - Magenta seemed very dramatic tonight.

Lamia's body, previously a vehicle of all the gentle and venusian arts, became engorged with hatred and grief. ...in revenge and despair she flew through the shadows, she became ugly and grotesque. Zeus gave her the power to take out her eyes and then reinsert them... She obsessively wandered the earth as a phantom, and took pleasure in kidnapping young children, and ripping their flesh with her long, sharp fangs..

Sometimes, when the mood took her, Lamia morphed herself into a seductived and irresistable woman. Queen of the sensuous arts, by her voluptuous artifice she attracted young men, in order to enjoy their fresh, youthful, and pure flesh and blood....

A car door slammed outside. Er, that'll be Himself, said jennyG, I'd better be off. Uh, thanks for the story, Magenta.. and she quickly sped out the door and off home.

Sandra and JennyO looked at each other nervously.


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 30 Jun 04 - 10:26 AM

Sandra, Jennyo, JennyG and Freda had been waiting all afternoon for Magenta. They met once a month, in a small group they called Women Who Run With the Dingoes.. Each month, one took the floor,and shared with her sisters a fairy tale or legend of obscure origin. Then, they took turns, dissecting and debating its images and symbols, relating them to their own hopes and dreams. In retelling the ancient stories, the women revived the old ancestral passions, in so doing giving them new form and new power.

This month they were at Freda's place, sitting on her old paisley lounge, feet caressing the Persian carpet, surrounded by artworks, books, and soft music. Through the huge window they could see the beautiful leaves of the Japanese maple outside Freda's back door, draping the tree in shades of red, gold and ochre.

As usual her son had left a dreadful mess in the kitchen.

"It's unusual for her to be so late".
"It's so dark now - should we put the food on?"

Freda was whipping raw garlic, tomato and onion. The crackers were out, the baked ricotta cheese and basil was waiting, all in all it would be a tasty entree, and keep them going while Magenta told her story.

Knock.. Knock.. Knock...

Freda washed the onion off her fingers and opened the door. Magenta looked a little pale, she thought, but she gave her a big hug and took her inside. Baxter, the three legged cat, followed them in.


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 30 Jun 04 - 10:03 AM

Vladimir was meticulous about his personal habits. He watched as the spa bath slowly filled with warm water, and as little droplets of witch hazel swirled through the water. Vladimir then poured a quarter of a vial of peppermint essence into the bath. The witch hazel would mollify his exhausted skin, the peppermint oil wafted into the atmosphere, invigorating and stimulating his mind, refreshing his lungs and vitalising his organs.

From his suite's drawing room flooded the voice of Yoshikazu Mera, the Japanese counter-tenor. Vladimir had a large classical collection, Yoshikazu Mera he considered the king of counter tenors. As Vlad sank into the steaming water, Yoshikazu's voice ebbed and soared as he sang a traditional Japanese Song Of Dusk - For The Night To Receive The Dead...

Vladimir knew only that he had to find a decent place to eat, that was open late, with fresh supplies in a quiet, outdoors area. London was proving a little difficult, since that Chongo villain had entered the piece. Vladimir settled in, his skin softening in the soft water, his fingertips wrinkling, his muscles relaxing.
There was no point going to pubs or clubs, they were too crowded. Vald needed night, and he needed somewhere.. discreet. Glastonbury, perhaps?

For some time he lay back, as the jets of water bubbled and pulsated around his long elegant limbs. Vladimir sucked the juices of his own mouth, as the haunting caramel tones ebbed and flowed in and out of his spirit. As he listened, he imagined Mera's disembodied head floating above him, with bloody entrails dripping from his severed neck, while the glorious, incandescent song soared from Mera's divine lips..... . . .


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 29 Jun 04 - 12:47 PM

Ook! Ook! Ook! What a great scene! Such atmosphere.


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 28 Jun 04 - 08:15 PM

The Waterbury Walnut Parlor Clock chimed six times. Vladimir yawned, stretched, and wriggled his toes, in anticipation of the coming night.   He cuddled up to his Batty. Batty was a woollen, stuffed animal made in the form of a bat and given to him as a small child by his beloved grandmother, Draconia.

Vladimir had ditched the Steak and Kidney for a much more salubrious establishment - The Stafford hotel, St James'Place, just up the road from White's. He was staying in his favourite room, decorated in shades of scarlet and vermilian...

Vlad tossed on his kimino, a black silk robe embroidered with dragon bats and princesses, interlocked with each other in an intricate pattern of winding scales, billowing hair and delicately stitched sprays of blood.. He wandered across to the window and inched aside the curtain, gazing with satisfaction at the indigo drenched sky.


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 28 Jun 04 - 03:53 PM

Nagumachi was doing his evening tea ceremony, as was his habit. Being a Japanese Macaque was a nervous business in 1943 Chicago, but Nagamuchi kept up the old traditions in any case, while trying not to run afoul of any anti-Japanese sentiment. Fortunately, most Americans were unaware that Macaques were connected with Japan. As for his fellow apes and monkeys, they were not much concerned with the wartime racially motivated propaganda, other than having a basic level of patriotism to hometown America. One human, after all, was pretty much like another! Primates were not deemed draftable, being considered "less than human" by the US military, and that had turned out to be convenient for them on the whole. (Chongo actually had received a draft notice, much to everyone's amusement, and it had taken him weeks to get it straightened out with the bureaucrats! It had either been a clerical error...or someone's idea of a practical joke.)

Chongo had in the meantime run down some Nazi spies with assistance from the redoutable police detective Lance Drecker and Kerchak the gorilla, former enforcer for the North Side Gorillas. Kerchak was rumoured to have volunteered for some kind of secret service job and had not been seen in town lately, while Chongo had been awarded some kind of citation by a grateful nation, but Nagumachi didn't know much about that story. Chongo had been close-mouthed about it for some reason.

Nagumachi sighed, thinking of his relatives in faraway Japan, a nation now reeling under a growing series of military setbacks in the South Pacific. Things could only get worse back home. Meanwhile he had a life to live, hopefully in relative peace...and a vampire to track down.

Nasty business.

As he finished his meditation Nagumachi noted that the sun was just vanishing below the horizon. Somewhere in that great metropolis Vlad the Inhaler was stirring...


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 27 Jun 04 - 09:03 PM

Neither Rhymin' Simon nor Magenta would have noticed anything different as dusk crept over Chicago that night, but many eyes were watching. Closeset, sharp, simian eyes. They were watching from every roof, tree, and fire escape. Howlers, Capuchins, Rhesus monkeys, Barbary Apes, Baboons, Macaques, and Proboscis monkeys...who were known to be nosy even on their off days. The word was out on the streets, courtesy of Nymbel, Nagumachi and Elroy.

Chongo was in his office, hanging garlic up around the doors and pondering his available firepower skeptically...it appeared that guns were useless against vampires. Still, he hadn't tried a Thompson submachine gun out on Vlad yet, and there was something very reassuring about tommy guns. "Too bad they don't make garlic-flavoured bullets," he mused.

"Hmmm...." He eyed the tommy gun thoughtfully.


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 27 Jun 04 - 06:00 PM

When had anything ever been normal? I asked myself that as I tryed to shake off the effects of too little sleep and way too much alcohol. The answer was, not since I jumped a boat and left Africa, and headed for the "Land of the Free". Ha! That was a good joke. Oh yeah, a chimp was free in America all right! Free to bum around on the street, free to sell newspapers on a corner, free to shine shoes and haul trash, free to rot in some walk-up hole on the bad side of town while the humans drove by in Duesenbergs and would maybe throw you a dime if you made funny faces for them.

Yeah, I'd seen the "freedom" on the streets of New York, man, and I ain't forgot nothin'.

Still, I loved the place. I would never go back to the jungle, knowin' what I know now. I loved the cars, I loved the music, I loved the skyscrapers towering up against the skies. I loved the noise, the bustle, the dirt, and the smell of danger on the streets of Chicago. My town. The place where I first hung out my sign. The city where two things talked....a fistful of money and a loaded gat. It was ugly, but, man, it was beautiful.

Nothin' had been the same since Kong did his thing back in '33 and took his final swan dive off the Empire State Building after swatting an army air force plane right out of the sky. Apes could hold their heads high now, even if we were still 3rd class citizens in the eyes of the "good people", meaning the rich white folks and their white bread middle class runners-up. We were a notch below the negros on the pecking order in those days. Because of that I always had a sympathy for the black folks, but it was complicated by my previous experiences in Africa where black tribesmen used to hunt us chimps down and eat us! So, you know, I had mixed feelings on the matter, but I understood discrimination in America. There ain't no ape or monkey that doesn't know about that.

So that was America. The land of the fast buck, the great jazz band, the bum's rush, and the "Chicago overcoat"...our name for a coffin. Love it or leave it. I chose to stay.

Another thing America had that was worth stayin' for was Roscoe's. Now in those days a "roscoe" could be a guy's name...or it could more likely mean a gun, a rod, a gat, you get the picture. So this place had a nice sign in the shape of a .44 hangin' by the entrance, and they said Dillinger had eaten there, but I don't know if it's true. The fact was, though, I never seen anything bad go down at Roscoe's. It was just a good, cheap place to eat for the workin' man or ape, and the workin' monkey too. They didn't discriminate at Roscoe's. Due to that its clientele was mostly simians, blacks, and blue collar whites, and that suited me fine. We were our own little league of nations in Roscoe's and everybody got along okay.

The first thing I seen when I entered was Elroy, the howler monkey, Nagumachi the Macaque, and Nymbel the Capuchin monkey. They waved me over and started spillin' the latest chatter. The usual stuff. Contraband bananas could be had if you contacted a certain baboon over on Vangarten Ave...there were always ways, even with the war rationing in effect. It was illegal, but I didn't give a damn about that. Simians need their bananas, and the stuff is harmless anyway. It ain't nobody's business to police bananas as far as I can see.

"You got a case, Chongo?" asked Elroy after a bit. "You look tired, like you been workin' late on a case or somep'n."

"Matter of fact, I do."

"Who you after this time, Chongo?" piped Nymbel in his squeaky little frantic voice.

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

Well, then they just had to know. I held out for awhile, bein' mysterious. Then I swore 'em to secrecy. That got their attention.

"What works all night, ain't never seen by day, and sucks yer blood right outa yer veins?" I asked.

"A loan shark!" said Elroy.

"A fixer!"[a lawyer] said Nagumachi.

"A...immigration officer!" gasped Nymbel.

I gave 'em my longest, hardest stare. "Nope. Worse than that. A freakin' vampire."

They goggled at me like I'd lost my linguini bowl. "Yeah, I know what yer thinkin'...yer thinkin' I've had one too many banana louie's. Well, I ain't. A freakin' vampire named Vlad the Inhaler is in town, and he tried to blip me off last night on the balcony at the Black Lion. I put a hot slug right in the sucker's shoulder and another one in his face...point blank...and he never even blinked. I'm sore all over from keepin' the bastard's fangs outa my throat, and I've still got the bruises. He was stronger than ANY human, strong as a mountain gorilla. I got lucky, that's all. I need help with this one, guys. So...whaddya think about that?"

"What did he look like?" asked Nagumachi. I described Vlad in detail.

"This is givin' me the creeps," muttered Elroy, looking around nervously.

"Don't worry. They don't come out by day. I been readin' books about 'em."

"Wh-what are they?" chattered Nymbel. "Where do they come from?"

"I don't know, but I'll tell ya this. I am gonna find out. And then I am gonna send this Vlad straight to the clink...or to vampire Hell. Whatever works. And if you guys call yourselves true simians who ain't afraid of nothin'...you are gonna help me."

Well, no monkey or ape backs down from a challenge like that. Inside of 15 minutes we had worked out a plan to get the old "grapevine" going and find out more about this Vlad character...like where he hung his hat. Preferably before sunset. If not, I planned to buy at least a bushel of fresh garlic and keep it handy at all times. I'd rather stink than be pushin' up daisies before my time.

- Chongo Chimp


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,amalia clawall
Date: 26 Jun 04 - 09:41 PM

The dreams were powerful. Magenta lay, murmuring through her blood red lips, as images of a compelling man in black flashed in and out of her consciousness. Simon looked at her. Must be those onion sandwiches she ate so late before sleep, he thought.

But occasionally he could hear her mutterings, and she was not whispering about onions.. He caught occasional phrases such as "Bavaria" "Black nylons", "RH positive" and "sharpened dentures".

Rhymin Simon was burnt out. It had been a long, hard night and all he wanted was a good smoke. Chongo had done his thing, that freak in the Goth suit had pissed off, surely it was over now?

Simon went and rested his weary bones in the faded armchair. He pulled out his trusty bong, and lit up.

When would everything be normal again?


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 26 Jun 04 - 08:02 PM

Othello to the sleeping Desdemona..


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 Jun 04 - 12:58 PM

Whoo hoo! Great poetry!


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 26 Jun 04 - 11:38 AM

Vladimir sat gazing across the city. His fierce eyes searched the skyline for bats. His mind was focussed only on one being - Magenta. Vladimir was practising the lost Transylvanian art of soul-singing. He was projecting his mind into Magenta, singing to her a strange songf of the night, haunting her in her dreams..

It is the cause, it is the cause, my soul,--
Let me not name it to you, you chaste stars!--
It is the cause. Yet I'll not shed her blood;
Nor scar that whiter skin of hers than snow,
And smooth as monumental alabaster.
Yet she must die, else she'll betray more men.
Put out the light, and then put out the light:
If I quench thee, thou flaming minister,
I can again thy former light restore,
Should I repent me: but once put out thy light,
Thou cunning'st pattern of excelling nature,
I know not where is that Transylvannian heat
That can thy light resume. When I have pluck'd the rose,
I cannot give it vital growth again.
It must needs wither: I'll smell it on the tree.

In his mind, he kissed her..

Ah balmy breath, that dost almost persuade
Justice to break her sword! One more, one more.
Be thus when thou art dead, and I will kill thee,
And love thee after. One more, and this the last:
So sweet was ne'er so fatal. I must weep,
But they are cruel tears: this sorrow's heavenly;
It strikes where it doth love. She wakes.

(with apologies to W.S.)


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Jun 04 - 07:50 AM

Chongo pulled on his trenchcoat, adjusted his fedora, checked his gat, and swung on out the door. Time to get this day happening in style, even if he was up kinda late.

"Anybody calls, I'm out ta lunch, Janie!"

He headed for Roscoe's. You could get a great meal there for only a buck, and the clientele was interesting. Lots of apes and monkeys, mixed in with a certain number of working class humans. Maybe Nymbel, the capuchin, would be around. Chongo hoped so. He intended to get Nymbel started on activating the monkey telegraph and find this Vlad character. Vampires had to go somewhere when they slept and Chongo was gonna find out where.

It was a bright sunny day. Good to see, despite the lingering whispers of Chongo's hangover. You weren't gonna get jumped by no vampire on a sunny day.


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 17 Jun 04 - 10:38 PM

Magenta was tossing and turning in bed. Simon looked at her, her beautiful white skin and long raven hair. He knew that, of all the women in his life, she was his old lady, the one. She was cute, she didn't talk too much, like some airheads he had met, and what she said was worth listening to.

Her singing voice was something else - Joan Baez meets Judy Collins. She could sing the arse off a nightingale. He adored her, in his own selfish way. And Simon was worried. That freak at the pub last night, Vladimir, sashaying about in his upmarket Goth suit. I wish the hell he'd piss off out of her dreams, he thought. And that hairy Chongo - Simon was not racist, but this guy was bloody Neanderthal. Typical bloody women - they say they want a man who can talk to them, a gentleman, someone sensitive, but they all get hooked into these muscular, he men types, whatever the hell they pretend to themselves, they're hooked by the hairies. Well, Simon wasn't going to let Magenta go that easily. And Chongo HAD proven effective in pissing off Vlad the Cad. Maybe Simon could use this situation to his and Magenta's advantage, somehow.

Magenta was obviously dreaming, she was tossing and mumbling in her sleep, something about mince. Stange, Magenta was a veg - she's obviously been suppressing her desire for a good peiece of meat for sometime, thought Simon.


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 16 Jun 04 - 10:36 PM

Chongo got into a bottle of banana liquer and is blotto. Expect him back in a day or so...


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 15 Jun 04 - 08:44 PM

I was up late that night. Real late. I was plowing through the stack of well-thumbed library books Janie had left. Mostly Hollywood movie stuff. The usual nonsense, but here and there there was a gem of real information that might prove useful. I no longer doubted the existence of vampires.

There was one really old book Janie had dug up somewhere. It was so old it creaked when you turned the pages. This one had some woodcuts and transcriptions of old medieval tales from somewhere in Eastern Europe. A region called Transylvania. It means "the place that's across the forests". It seemed like vampires went way back in Transylvania. I already heard of the place, of course, at the movies, but this book had stuff I never heard of before. It made the little hairs on my neck and back stand up stiff. It was the feelin' you get when a leopard is checkin' you out, but you don't know where he is yet.

I had never been so glad my office didn't have any windows. Not even when the North Side Gorillas and the South Side Baboons had put me on the hit list and every hatchet monkey in central Chicago was out lookin' to ventilate me with a hot tommy gun. Not even then. There was somethin' out there in the Chicago night and it had my name and address. I wanted to be ready when Vlad came callin'.

I staying up till dawn, readin' manuscripts written by monks that had gone slowly mad in mouldering old castles whose names have long been forgotten. I read stories of things that came out of the night and carried off women...beautiful women...just like Kong did.

It figures. If you're gonna carry off somethin', you sure can't beat carryin' off a classy babe. A real looker. Like Magenta. That got me thinkin' about her legs again. This wouldn't do. I had a case to crack and a bottle of whiskey to kill.

I woke up when Janie came in at 8 AM sharp, like she always does, cheerful like she always is. Janie is a good kid, but who needs good cheer at 8 AM when he's got a hangover the size of Manhattan?

I groaned, glared at the empty whisky bottle and shuffled off upstairs. "Wake me at 11:30," I croaked, as I went out the door. "Thank Kong them stinkin' vampires go to bed at dawn..."

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 15 Jun 04 - 12:13 AM

My gosh...Chongo's little synapses will fry when he reads that last submission! Ook! Ook! Ook!   Too bad he's away at the moment, testifying at the big "monkey trial" in Albany. I will draw his attention to this torrid tale when he returns. He's been pretty busy lately.


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 14 Jun 04 - 11:36 AM

Magenta gazed at Chongo as he rose to leave the room. Those cheekbones.. She knew that she wanted to see him again, she wanted more. Chongo leaned towards her and looked down into her beautiful big eyes.

Babe, you got class. Thanks for the good times. And he picked up his hat, adjusted the collar of his trench coat, and walked out the door. Magenta's heart was beating, her thighs aching. No, she was not going to let him go so easily. She ran to the door, clutching that banana and calling out to him.

But it was too late, he was gone.

She turned back into the room, to hear Simon singing The Grisly Bride. Micca and Leadfingers were debating the difference between plastic and genuine tortoiseshell picks, and Jacqui and Kendall were chatting quietly in the corner.

Somehow, Magenta knew she would see him again, sometime, somewhere.

She wandered over to the table, and looked at the appetisers. The only food available was insipid, bloodless, and flat. Suddenly, all she felt like was some raw mince.. or a good, juicy steak, underdone.


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 15 May 04 - 02:38 PM

They say the criminal always returns to the scene of the crime. Well, it ain't necessarily so. But this time it was. I was just strikin' up a nice conversation with the dame Magenta and tryin' to guess how she would look swingin' from a grapevine wearin' only a loincloth and a pearl necklace when...

A thin little screech echoed from outside. The humans didn't even notice it over the terrible racket they were makin' with their hillbilly instruments, but a Chimp has good ears. I excused myself and slipped out to the balcony, with one hand on my gat. The cold steel felt reassuring.

I stepped through the curtains, and there he was. Tall, pale, saturnine, and cold as a slab of stone in an Alaska graveyard. A chill went through me right to my bones. He was in the middle of devouring a bat! The blood was dripping from his fingers. He looked momentarily surprised to see me, but I saw a cunning, predatory fire kindle in his reddened eyes. I drew the .45 without even thinkin' about it and aimed it straight at his guts. He took one more draw on the bat, sighed deeply, and tossed the drained corpse over the railing as if he was tossin' away a candy wrapper.

"Well, well, it's Cheetah," he sneered. "Where's Tarzan?"

I kept the gun trained on his vitals. "It's Chongo, bub, not Cheetah. A cheetah is a large cat or didn't you know? Ain'tcha heard we got laws in Chicago against cruelty to animals?"

"Is that right?" he said, moving closer. "Laws? Dear me! Oh, my, I am so impressed by that..."

I know sarcasm when I hear it, and I know a threat when I see it. "Listen, tall, dark, and ugly," I growled, "this here is a .45, and it'll blow a hole as big as your fist through your breadbasket, so if I was you I'd stop right there..."

I woulda said more, but he went for me, quick as a snake. I pulled the trigger and put a hot lead slug right into his shoulder. I seen it hit. I didn't want to kill this sucker, only stop him in his tracks. The weird thing was, I seen the bullet hit, and he seemed to just ripple like a flag in the wind, and then he was on me. His fingers clawed into me like steel hooks. The gun went off again as we struggled and the bullet spent itself somewhere into the night sky.

I felt a jolt of pure terror go through me and every hair stood on end. There was something unnatural about this guy. He was unbelievable strong, like a mountain gorilla, and his breath was cold as late November, and stank of the crypt. I shrieked in sheer horror as he went for my throat, fangs bared. Where did he get those fangs?

I managed to wrench the gun free and blasted it right in his face, right in his grinning chops. Again the ripple, like the disturbance of a reflection on pond water. He grinned, plucked the gun from my suddenly nerveless fingers and dropped it over the railing.

"You should know better than to monkey around with Vlad the Inhaler," he said. "You are about to become the permanently missing link."

That was it. Time to get serious. "BUNDOLO!!!" I shrieked, and drove my head and shoulders full tilt into his guts, clawing at his legs with my outstretched arms. I managed to knock him off balance, and down we went, kicking, snarling, and gouging. I have fought rogue gorillas in filthy waterfront dives, I have battled berserk bonobos in Brooklyn alleyways, and boxed drunken orangutans in illegal fight pits for quarters, but I ain't never fought a dirtier player than this guy. He kept tryin' to bite me. I laid blows on him that would have killed a prizefighter stone dead. I grabbed his ears and battered his head against a marble pillar till it busted...the pillar, I mean, not his damned head. I drove my knee inta his crotch so hard that it must've reached his breastbone, and still the bastard wouldn't quit. What really made my flesh crawl was this...I felt like I was fightin' with a corpse or a zombie or somethin', cos nothing I did seemed to register on this bird. He was impervious to pain. I wish I could say this same, cos I was startin' to hurt all over.

This guy wasn't human.

He got his hands on my throat and started to squeeze the life out of me while I beat on his brain pan. Nothing would make him let go. I clapped both hands on his ears hard. That shoulda busted his eardrums and fried his brains, but he just snarled and kept throttling me, so I stuck my thumbs in his eyes. That momentariy threw him and I pulled an old trick, hooking two fingers into his flaring nostrils and pulling hard.

I'll tell ya...when someone pulls you by the nostrils, baby, you go wherever they tell ya to. I lofted him right over the balcony and he fell with a hollow screech and crashed into a rain barrel down at street level. The rain barrel busted wide open and he burst out of it, skaking the water off violently. Several alley cats fled in starck terror. He looked up at me, his fangs glistening and a look of utter hatred in his eyes.

"You haven't seen the last of me, Chongo," he hissed. Then he vanished into the shadows and was gone.

I was not too eager to follow him. That guy shoulda been dead about ten times over by now. I was beginnin' to realize that I could be in over my head here. I found my hat, checked my aching limbs to see if everything was still workin' right, then climbed down to the street and found my gun. Everything was silent. I had the feeling that Vlad was long gone for the time being. Fine with me. I reloaded the .45 and headed back to the club.

None of 'em had noticed a thing. That's what that dumb hillbilly music'll do to people. They lose all awareness under its influence. I walked straight up to Rhymin' Simon, the sap who had hired me to catch a "vampire". "Hey, Simon," I said, "lemme buy you a drink. I thought you was a sap, but I guess you are a straight shooter after all."

We had a couple of drinks and discussed vampires. I told Simon to keep a close eye on Magenta at all times and to get her to wear garlic. Lots of it. I didn't read them crazy library books for nothin'. It was worth a try.


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Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,amalia clawall
Date: 15 May 04 - 08:19 AM

Vladimir held the struggling, hot, soft Magenta in his arms. He mouth was watering, his lips wet, and his veins throbbing, when, suddenly, his nostrils flared.. that pungent odour - it couldn't be....




an entree! with one swipe he had Bertie and had stripped his furry belly skin clean. His face contorted as he bit frantically, again and again, into the bloody mess that was Bertie's belly, as Berties untamed screams ripped through the cool London night.

Magenta watched, a strange feeling flowing over her. That bloke's got no table manners, she thought, I can't go out with him. And she wandered back into the pub, just in time to take her place back on the leather armchair, squeezing in next to Chongo, who was looking much more relaxed and very pleased to have her back again.


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