BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 15 May 04 - 08:11 AM

Bill D strode purposefully across the room. Hysteria, he thought, a state of temporary insanity, flung on to avoid having to deal with something. He reached out, grabbed the beating bat with his bare hands, strode out onto the balcony, and placed the bat on the balcony rail.

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,Bleeding Gums Boris
Date: 15 May 04 - 08:05 AM

Amidst the shouting, screaming and sounds of a broken beer glass, Bill D could only just focus on jOhn from Hull, who was running around the room screaming "Bertie! Bertie!" chasing a little bat, Bertie the Bat, who was flapping wildly, in shock, zooming from one corner of the pub to another, with jOhn from Hull running after.

Freda Underhill was screaming "a bat! a bat!" and had climbed up onto the table, holding her patchwork skirts around her ankles. sandra and jennyo were running around in a circle, jennyo calling "blessed bat" "blessed bat" occasionally through the din.

In the corner, Rhymin' Simon was just fixing an outstanding deal with a couple of out-of-towners, a funny looking bloke with pointy eyebrows and his mate. This should be enough to fix up his next couple of bills with Chongo, thought Simon, unless I decide to get some of those quality heads from Andy.

and on the other side of the room, around a dozen folkies, oblivious to the noise, were just finishing a rousing chorus of Mary Ellen Carter.

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 15 May 04 - 07:50 AM

Jennyo and Sandra couldn't believe it. There's that bloke again - the pasty looking Goth in the cape. Why the hell hasn't Magenta learnt her lesson? there she is going out onto the balcony again, didnt the bloke have a go at her last time? They nudged jOhn from Hull, who was still having his reading with Freda. She was gazing into the empty beer glass, rabbiting on about his hidden talents. Did you hear that? she's telling him he can make millions as a writer - something about publishing.

Bill D watched, feeling sorry for the poor bloke. This woman was a rip-off queen of the first order. Didn't even have a crystal ball. Reading his future from a beer glass? what a lot of froth and bubble. Bill leaned over and said to jOhn kindly, you don't really believe all that crap, do you? jOhn looked up at Bill D. "If you think this is rubbish, Bill D, how the hell did she know I had just bought a pet bat? I tell you, its for real."

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,Bleeding Gums Boris.
Date: 15 May 04 - 03:38 AM

Vladimir was drooling. His big black eyes gazed at her, all snowy white skin, thick glossy raven hair and warm beating heart. He could see her breasts rising and falling beneath the green velvet gown she was draped in..

He knew he didn't have much time... how to bedazzle this young morsel within a minute?

His black eyes lingered on hers, and, trembling, he leant forward and said, Magenta, will you join me on the balcony? I'd like to play to you with my lute...

Here's this bloke with the cointreau, she thought. well, no harm to gaze at the stars a little, she could do with a little fresh air, she was feeling a little heady...

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 15 May 04 - 03:31 AM

Chongo was squirming. He was having such a great time with this dame, Magenta, but he knew that a man had to do what a man had to do. He'd been knocking back whiskeys for some time now, and he could see that Magenta was ripe for the peeling. But Chongo was ripe for the peeing, and he got up and strode off to the men's room, patting his pistol for comfort.

Jacko Kevans, dry face, magic fingers, sat in the corner with his old concertina, squeezing out its haunting rendition of Four Little Johnny Cakes. Magenta was swaying and tapping her foot, her mouth tinged with a liqorice after taste from the Cointreau, when she looked down and saw two very shiny pointed black boots. Her eyes followed up the long, black trousered legs to...

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Chief Chaos
Date: 05 May 04 - 02:01 PM

Magenta looked up from her glass to see a very pale chimpanzee before her.
"Why, Mr. Chongo, are you ill" she said.
"No, doll, just got a chill up my spine, like someone dancing on my grave," Chongo replied, "and it's not Mr. Chongo, just Chongo."

Chongo took another puff on his cuban and signalled the waitress for another shot. Then he pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and wiped the cold sweat from his forehead and his neck.

"Feels a little warm in here with the personal fur coat I always wear." Chongo said.
"I can sympathize," Magenta said grinning, "some women think a fur coat is the best thing in the world. They wear them everywhere, shoving their wealth in your face. I think they look better on the animals they were taken from and laugh at the women, acting all stuck up and sweating like pigs."
"Don't tell me your a vegetarian too!" Chongo said.
"Oh, no Chongo. I'm no vegetarian. As a matter of fact I like to get my hands on a good piece of meat once in awhile." Magenta replied, looking back at Chongo from beneath her eye lashes.
The inner lizard began screaming again, and Chongo choked on his drink. Magenta laughed like silvery rain at his discomfiture.

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Chief Chaos
Date: 03 May 04 - 01:03 PM

Chongo took a deep draw on his cuban while wondering over the length of Magenta's gams. "If that slit in her dress were any higher I'd have to convert, he thought, 'cause I'd damn sure be looking at the promised land." And just where the hell had that poem come from? He hadn't read any in so long. Not his bunch of bananas as it were.

The hair on his back and nape began to crawl skyward in pure simian fear. His mind began screaming Bundalo! Bundalo! Chongo surreptitiously glanced around to see what was setting of his inner lizard. The guy in black over there, just outside his periferal vision. Looking over like a baleful moon across the moors. Chongo's heart rate sped considerably. It was fight or flight time and he didn't even know his enemy.

In an instant the man looked away. Not even a second had passed and yet Chongo felt years older. The rest of the room came back into being around him although he couldn't remember having gone into such concentration. He quickly downed a whiskey and removed his trembling hand from his .45. It had gone there of it's own account, seeking the safety and solidness of the semi-auto's cold hard steel.

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 03 May 04 - 08:53 AM

Leadfingers was leaning close to Kendall, they were comparing notes on banjo techniques, how to perform a tremolo on any string while holding a chord.

"A tremolo can go back and forth across one string, two strings, three strings, or all four strings, depending on the desired sound", said Kendall.

Leadfinger noted that a common method is to play the chord (across all the strings) on the beat while continuously tremoloing on the single string melody note. "Try the melody note on the first string or second string. When you play chord melody and tremolo near the nut and peghead, the chord is played to whatever string the melody occurs on. If the tremolo is on an inside string, then the higher strings are not played. This style of playing has many possibilities including making the banjo sound like two or three banjos playing at the same time."

They were both muttering and jangling together, while across the room, a strong, booming voice sang..

I dreamed a dream the other night
Lowlands, lowlands, away my John
I saw my love dressed all in white
My lowlands, away.

She came to me at my bedside
Dressed all in white like some fair bride.

And nestled in her bosom there
A red, red rose my love did wear.

She made no sign, no word she said
And then I knew my love was dead.

She waved her hand, she said goodbye
I wiped the tear from out my eye...

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 03 May 04 - 08:36 AM

Vladimir tensed all over. He could see Magenta leaning all over that man in the corner, languid, relaxed, laughing. He watched her floppy leg, kicking back and forward provocatively, as she whisopered and giggled with the man in the trench coat. Vladimir knew that he had to distract Magenta, to win her back so he could complete his mission.

Vladimir knew that if he could seduce the Risen Goddess, Mary Ellen, Magenta, what ever it was they called her, and become one with her in heart, mind, and digestion, well, he knew that if he did this, it would taste damn good.

There was only one thing he could do, and that was.....

to wait until Chongo was distracted..and to make his move.

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,amalia clawall
Date: 03 May 04 - 08:25 AM

Magenta gazed at Chongo's big, muscular hands, drinking in every word..She clutched the banana in her hot little hands, it had become a symbol for her, a symbol of Chongo's love, kindness, and generosity. She couldn't beleive that Chongo was into Kenneth Rexroth, too. At last, someone with a mind like her own..

Meanwhile, Rhymin Simon was cutting a good deal with some travellers up the back of the pub. This should keep him going til dole day, next week.

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,Bleeding Gums Boris
Date: 03 May 04 - 08:20 AM

Magenta was giggling. She had snuggled up quite close to Chongo, and had crossed one thigh over the other, a long, slender leg dangling flirtatiously through the slit in her green lacey skirt. Chongo's eyes were gazing, transfixed, at Magenta's elegant ankle, as he quietly whispered to her a poem by Kenneth Rexroyth...

There are sparkles of rain on the bright
Hair over your forehead;
Your eyes are wet and your lips
Wet and cold, your cheek rigid with cold.
Why have you stayed
Away so long, why have you only
Come to me late at night
After walking for hours in wind and rain?
Take off your dress and stockings;
Sit in the deep chair before the fire.
I will warm your feet in my hands;
I will warm your breasts and thighs with kisses.
I wish I could build a fire
In you that would never go out.
I wish I could be sure that deep in you
Was a magnet to draw you always home...

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 01 May 04 - 09:15 PM

"Do you see that, Spock?" The rakishly handsome man in the pinstripe suit and fedora gestured to his leaner and more serious companion, a man with a dour look and eyebrows that slanted sharply upwards. They were seated in a discreet corner of the Black Lion, and could see the entire pub from their table.

"Fascinating, Captain," observed the lean one. "It appears that humans and apes are living together amicably in this society. I would not have expected that."

"Nor I, Mr Spock," admitted the handsome one. "There are a number of apes and monkeys...hanging around, but...most of them seem to be in the servant class...valets and such. But...this one...he appears to be more on a level with...the humans."

"Yes, he does carry himself like an equal," agreed Spock. "Look there, Captain, he's lighting up a narcotic, the same as the rest of them."

Chongo was in fact lighting one of his usual Cuban cigars, and trying to figure out just what was different about Magenta tonight. He sensed an odd change in the woman, but couldn't quite put his finger on just what it was. The marks on her throat had almost disappeared. Evidently she had healed quickly.

"They're all addicts, Spock. Look at them! All smoking like chimneys, inhaling vile, obnoxious fumes and drinking like fish to boot."

"Doctor McCoy has been known to smoke on occasions, Captain. I have strongly advised him against it, but he is attached to the archiac custom for some reason."

"Yes...well you know Bones, Spock. He's a stubborn man. Best let him have his...little indulgences. It keeps him happy." Kirk grinned broadly, flashing his gorgeously capped teeth. A woman across the room gasped, and couldn't help staring at his manly visage. Jim winked at her roguishly. "Spock, I think I need to...feel out the locals...mix a little and gather useful information. If you'll excuse me..."

"Certainly, Captain," said Spock, raising an eyebrow curiously. "What should I do?"

"They have a roulette wheel, don't they? See if you can break the bank, Spock." He grinned again, slapped the Vulcan on the shoulder, and got up and walked toward the woman's table.

"Break the bank?" queried Spock. "I should think that would be illegal wouldn't it?" But his Captain was already at the other table. Spock shrugged, straightened his jacket carefully, adjusted the unfamiliar fedora to cover his ear points, and made his way in the direction of the gambling tables. He would see if he could determine how the betting worked. "Fascinating!" he mused. "It's all so archaic and...corrupt."

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 01 May 04 - 07:08 PM

The trip over to the Black Lion had been uneventful. The usual gritty streets with the usual people and simians. It had given Chongo a chance to try out his new car, a fairly utilitarian looking Packard in chocolate and tan two-tone. It was a good car, and Chongo had added to its usefullness by having his buddy Roscoe, the metalworking chimp from St. Louis, weld armour plate inside all the doors, the firewall, and the rear luggage compartment. This made the car quite a bit heavier, but she still had plenty of pep.

Chongo pulled over to the curb and had a good look at the front of the Black Lion. The joint was jumping. A small monkey in a uniform appeared at once, and asked if he should park the car.

"Sure thing, kid." Chongo flipped the monk a quarter, handed over the keys, and entered the club, from which was pouring an indecipherable cacophony of "primitive" music. It was just a bunch of noise to Chongo, same as all music. He was completely tone deaf. He did, however, detect the hideous sounds of banjos and other stringed instruments, and deduced that it was that sort of hillbilly music that Big Daddy Malone had favoured. Awful stuff.

Upon entering Chongo found an unusually bohemian crowd, many of them with musical instruments in their hands. Ten years later they would probably have been called "beatniks", but Chongo had no name for them. "A buncha weirdos," he thought. "Probably spend their time smokin' reefers and talkin' about Marx and Engels..."

Then he saw Magenta. Chongo couldn't help himself...he grinned widely, cos she had those looong legs. Chongo really had a thing for long legs. You just didn't find long legs on female chimps. He hoped she would take the grin as mere friendliness. You had to be damn careful about forbidden inter-species lust in 1940's Chicago, and he had a reputation to maintain as a reliable gumshoe and a straight shooter.

He doffed his fedora, introduced himself, and offered her a nice ripe Costa Rican banana. He always had a few on him if at all possible. It never hurt to be polite.

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 01 May 04 - 09:41 AM

meanwhile Leadfingers and Kendall had become emroiled in the topic of the rise of the neoconservatives. Leadfingers listened while Rant carried on about Margaret Thatcher, and the Miners Strike of 1984/85. Rant had worked hard to give critical support for the UK's Labour Party during the 1987 General Election. Rhymin Simon said that all politicians were the same, that the rich had always screwed the poor, and that all these definitions were another elitist way of alienating the common person from the governing class. Leadfingers had had enough, and picked up his banjo. Kendall did the same, and they launched into a powerful version of "Roll in my sweet baby's arms".. Rant and Rhymin Simon moved out onto the balcony for a quiet bong, Simon was feeling seedy, he needed a little pick me up.

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 01 May 04 - 09:06 AM

Magenta wobbled across the room to see who Dave Bryant was talking to. She had been grogging on for a couple of hours before Mudvig showed, and the cointreau just pushed her that bit further. Dave was talking to two Yanks, by the sound of it. One of them had a funny name, sound like a guitar or something. He was shouting about weiner dogs and which were the best, and getting stuck into poor old Dave Bryant, who seemed to be handling it pretty well. The other guy, well, Magenta had always liked them hairy. This guy was so hairy, he was like a big ape.. gross.. He looked up and gave Magenta a big toothy grin. A bit buck, those teeth, she thought, funny his parents never sent him to the orthodontist. She looked at his hands - here were hands to warm a woman's .. heart. big hands, strong hands, hands a woman could feel.

She went over and introduced herself, and the guy offered her a banana - cute line, she thought, cheeky. What was his name, Chongo?

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 01 May 04 - 08:54 AM

Sandra was sitting sewing as she listened to the music. Layers of harmony throbbed about the room, it was a beautiful rendition of "Our Lady of Autumn" led by Gardenia, who, with her long blonde hair and slender legs, looked like a medieval princess. Sandra was having trouble with this particular item, she had been making a small fluffy dark brown teddy bear, but, it kept ..changing shape, not working. at one point Sandra looked down, startled. There, all chocolate and fluffy, was not a little teddy bear - it was a bat, with wide bat wings.

Here was jOhn from Hull, who had had a few, getting his empty beer glass read by Freda. This is a peculiarly Australian form of fortunetelling, Freda had learnt the art of reading the froth on an empty beer glass from her grannie, who in turn had learnt it from her alcoholic father. Freda gazed intently into the empty glass, watching the shapes and sprays of the froth in their pattern on the empty glass. Should she tell jOhn what she could see there? It was hard to believe, but she could see a strange figure, almost like a ..giant bat, with teeth.

Freda looked down at Sandra's sewing and shuddered. What a strange night this was.

She looked up at jOhn, took a deep breath, and said, jOhn, have you collected any other new pets, apart from your hamster?

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 01 May 04 - 08:42 AM

Jennyo, Sandra, and Freda were sitting in one corner, laughing. Jennyo was reciting a hilarious poem about a bikie and a witch, it had it all, black leather, chains, and a some high heeled boots. There was a mob of catters, shouting, laughing, drinking as if there was no tomorrow. Mudvig's eyes swept across the room - there was Jessica, the air hostess, sitting at the feet of that man with the banjo, gazing at him and laughing like a schoolgirl.

Mudvig felt a pang of deep jealousy shoot through his thighs... he wanted her. He sucked on his teeth, and breathed in deep. He could smell her from across the room, he found himself thinking of sinking into her softness, biting frantically into her fleshy belly...

"MUDVIG!! VLADIMIR!! Or whoever the hell you are, I'll be back in a sec.."

Mudvig looked up to see Magenta waving from the other side of the room, damn, he had let her slip.

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 01 May 04 - 08:33 AM

he's been doing a great job so far, LH, and kept the story moving. all he has to do is roll up to the black lion and follow the scent... and the trails of blood that will soon be created. In the meantime he could always get pissed in the corner with a bunch of catters, while the action was happening...

i understand how he feels about mangos - i have them every morning for breakfast during summer. maybe what he needs is a little love interest..

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 01 May 04 - 08:28 AM

Ooooo...nice stuff, freda. Chongo is growing fractious here. He doesn't think it's gonna be easy working tommy guns into this plot, and he wants 20% more mangos monthly to do it. We are negotiating...

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 01 May 04 - 08:18 AM

Magenta's nostrils flared, her mouth watered, lips tingled, here was this strange bloke with the cointreau. What was his name again? Vladimir? Mudvig? why did these Europeans have to have such Gothic names. Where the hell was Simon?

She looked up at Mudvig - he was tall, his skin was white like a computer screen, and his eyes were a deep, dark brown . Those eyes - Paul McCartney eat your heart out. She sipped the cointreau that he thrust into her little hand, what was he talking about - the Risen Goddess - one of those capewalkers, Magenta knew the game. First he'd be blessing her, then he'd be spouting ancient Mudvigian poetry, and eventually he'd invite her home for breakfast.. at 11.30 pm or a bit after. Skinny, but she looked at his hands. She always looked at a man's hands, it was important to her, if a man was going to touch her, she wanted to find his hands appealing. His fingers were long, slender, but obviously powerful, muscular. Elegant, yet strong. She liked them.

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 28 Apr 04 - 08:03 AM

Chongo scratched his hairy little ape skull in puzzlement. How the hell had he gotten into this weird vampire caper anyway? The only comfort was the $220 bucks still in his wallet. He'd spent $30 on restocking the liquor cabinet and paying the overdue phone bill. A shamus can't afford to have a nonfunctional phone.

Janie had returned cheerfully from the library with an armful of books on vampires, werewolves, Bela Lugosi, Lon Chaney, Nosferatu, and so on. Chongo was learning a lot about horror movies, but probably not too much about real vampires...assuming there were any. Chongo doubted it.

"This stuff wouldn't scare a baby capuchin," scoffed Chongo, thumbing the pages scornfully. "The only horror movie with any real class was the one done about Kong. Now there was a movie to remember."

It looked like he was gonna have to hit the street soon. These books were unlikely to provide any useful information. They had some neat pictures though...

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 28 Apr 04 - 07:52 AM

Leadfingers and Kendall had settled in to the Black Lion, and had consumed a rather large number of guinesses. Their banjos had been put to one side for some time, and they were arguing about who was the best person to repair an old Appalachian dulcimer, when Leadfingers felt a chill breeze at the back of his neck. He looked up, and saw, it was that Mudvig character, who had caused a bit of a stink at the Lion a couple of weeks earlier. The bloke from Catnipia, or somewhere. He watched as Mudvig strode purposefully into a corner of the room, and started chatting up Magenta, who was looking rather animated, to say the least.

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,amalia clawall
Date: 25 Apr 04 - 05:42 AM

Vladimir turned the key in the lock, and walked in. His little room in the Steak and Kidney was his repose.

He putting the shopping bags on the kitchen table, and sorted out the packet from the butcher's. Lots of good, fresh meat, but cold... just not the same as ripping into a fresh, warm throat or thigh.

Vlad was determined to track down his Risen Goddess, and the only way he could think of doing so was to get back to the Black Lion Pub in Plaistow, on a Sunday evening.

He had been counting the nights, and getting more and more uptight as the time passed. This time, he would not fail.

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 24 Apr 04 - 10:02 AM

.. A man wearing khaki shorts, a T shirt, sandals with socks, and a raccoon hat on his head. He was carrying a rifle, and a handbook on "The Albertan Muskrat - 20 different recipes"

"Don't get me wrong, lady, I like cats, but there ain't no cats around here. I'm lookin'for a goat."

Magenta's eyes rolled upwards, she could see muskrats whirling above her, flying and screeching, with big black wings, flapping, swooping, and...

"Cuppa tea, luv?" Magenta shuddered, and realised she was in bed, and it had all been a dream....

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,Natasha Smasher
Date: 24 Apr 04 - 09:51 AM

Magenta's mind was a virtual kaleidoscope of pulsating images, dreams, you could call them. She dreamt she was wandering alone through a gilded Bavarian palace, or was that a Catnipian castle. Magenta liked Cats, and as she wandered along the gilded corridor of Hopes and Dreams, past the twisted sculptures of tortured souls in various states of indigestion, she knew she would be soon be entering the Last Portal of All Earthly Desires..

She came to a large, carved black wooden door. She knelt and whispered the Song of Redemption to the Great Cat:

Cat, make me a channel of thy peas,

that where there is mash, I may bring gravy;

that where there is chopped liver, I may bring the spirit of Worstershire;

that where there are banjos, I may bring harmony;

that where there is thread creep, I may bring focus;

that where there is gout, I may bring Vitamin B6;

that where there is bad hair, I may bring mousse;

that where there are arguments, I may bring the delete button;

that where there is madness, I may bring vodka.

Cat, grant that I may seek rather to chew gum than to be tread in it;

to undermine, than to be under men;

to inspire fear, than to be afraid.

For it is in self-raising flour that the cake rises.

It is in raisins that the grape is preserved.

And it is by bleeding that one awakens to Eternal Strife.

As she uttered this incantation, the huge doors slowly opened, and Magenta prostrated herself on the purple velvet carpet, her long black hair streaming about her, as she offered herself unto …. the Cat Goddess.

Waves of Oil of Sandalwood streamed before her naked nostrils…she always wondered what was so good about the smell of old sandals, anyway, but she would undergo any ritual in order to encounter – the Risen Cat Goddess.

Her heart throbbing and chest heaving, Magenta looked up, her eyes drunken with delight, her mind swimming in ecstasy as she offered herself to.............

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,amalia clawall
Date: 24 Apr 04 - 09:32 AM

Rhymin Simon was extremely worried about Magenta. She had been sleeping all day, and was tossing and turning, shouting in her sleep and flailing her charms about. Simon knew that she was going through some heavy trip, whatever it was, and he also knew that he couldn't cope.

Simon took a long, deep drag on his bong. There was something funny about that Mudvig bloke at the pub last night, something he just couldn't put his fingers on.

Simon put down his book (How to Rip People off on a Dope Deal; 230 new techniques). This was an amazing book, based on an ancient Chinese form of martial art, (the I Rping) the book translated ancient military manoeuvres into modern day conning techniques. The book was an ode to strategy, a monument to manipulation, and was well worth the $10 he had paid for it in that second hand bookshop in Kuranda. Simon had made a number of very successful sales since using the book, although he couldn't show his face in the pub at Crappon By the Sea any more.

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,Bleeding Gums Boris
Date: 24 Apr 04 - 09:08 AM

Leadfingers and Kendall sat back in their huge, leather armchairs, sipping on guiness. They had been talking banjos, in fact, as they sunk each new round of guinness, they plied each other with banjo jokes.

Leadfingers: The Pope and a banjo player find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, Ol' Saint Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos, and such, Saint Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the banjo player will be spending eternity, (at least until the end of time…) "Hot Dang," the Pope says to His-Self, "If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!" They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Pope's new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the Pontiff his best. The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that banjo player-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?"
Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replies: "Look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first (non)damned banjo player to make it up here!!"


Kendall: For three years, the young banjo player had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, and stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a banjo player."

...and so on. It was a pleasant evening, the rain was falling quietly on the cobblestones outside, and both men were unwinding after a hard day's banjo playing.

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: jacqui.c
Date: 23 Apr 04 - 04:22 AM

Kendall here. Why me?

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: MC Fat
Date: 22 Apr 04 - 08:58 AM

Has he got a pal called 'Conan the Librarian'

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,Bleeding Gums Boris
Date: 22 Apr 04 - 07:57 AM

Magenta tossed and turned, flitting in and out of strange dreams. Rhymin Simon spouting poems about crystalline cloud forms, cointreau, capes and tarot cards.

Her head was pounding like a military march, her mouth was dry, very dry.

soft music was floating into the room, there was a crack in the curtians - ugghhh - that light was killing her.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

No, Simon, leave me, I've got a terrible headache. God - I'm so thirsty - I could drink a river of blood.

Simon paused, nonplussed. Why the hell did she sat that?

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,freda
Date: 21 Apr 04 - 11:11 PM

Vladimir was feeling unsettled. It was sunset and he was just waking up from a day's deep slumber. The Steak and Kidney was a convenient little stopover, until his gold mastercard arrived.

He considered the events of the previous evening. Dirty, smelly folkies. Here was a most inconvenient situation. Mary Ellen, the reborn pagan Goddess, had flaunted herself at him on the balcony, and he'd quite forgotten himself. And those three ridiculous yobbos, Rhymin' Simon, Micca and ColK, interfering, manhandling him like some common bar brawler, and interrupting his evening meal.

Vladimir knew it was important to fully consummate and consume a blood encounter, for a victim who remained alive would become...




a soul wraith, a vampire, destined, like himself, to prowl the world in search of the right blood group. What's worse, a new vampire could behave indiscreetly, unable to temper their bloodlust, and call unwanted attention to the existence of more sophisticated vampires like himself, who generally operated quietly, without leaving traces. He knew that he would have to track down the Goddess Mary Ellen (what did they call her, Magenta?) and complete the blood sacrifice, consume her, and ensure that no traces were left.

Hmm, she could make a tasty snack, and feed him over a numnber of weeks. Vladimir decided to go to Woolies and buy some snap lock freezer bags.

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Michael
Date: 21 Apr 04 - 03:50 PM

I thought Vlad the Inhaler was an asthmatic.
Mike

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 21 Apr 04 - 03:30 PM

Chongo Chimp pressed the buzzer on the left corner of his desk, poured himself a shot of whiskey, and leaned back thoughtfully. Moments later Janie came in, looking brisk and efficient the way she always did, her dark hair neatly combed back from her scuptured brow ridges.

Janie was Chongo's latest secretarial assistant, and she was turning out to be a good one. She had come over on the boat from Africa, same as Chongo, but more recently, in '39 just before the big war started up in Europe. She was a forest chimp from Tanzania. Janie was pretty businesslike, but there was a twinkle of warmth lurking in her closeset brown eyes. Chongo figured she'd make some ape a good partner one of these days. Not him, though. His life was too up and down for a stable institution like marriage. Besides, Chongo liked his freedom too much. And he was still tortured by secret visions of long, slender, silky, bare legs in sheer stockings. Human legs. It didn't bear thinking about...

"Janie, I need ya to go out and get me some info. Pick up any book ya can find in the library about...vampires. Yeah, I know, don't look at me like that, I said 'vampires'. Just do it, okay?"

Janie rolled her eyes mockingly. "Sure thing, Chongo. How about werewolves?"

"Awww, fer Kong's sake..." grumbled Chongo, "Just vampires!" He studiously directed his attention to the papers on his desk. They were mostly bills.

"I'm right on it, boss ape," said Janie, saluting humorously. "Count Dracula," she announced dramatically, "your days are numbered!" She shouldered her purse and strode merrily out the door. Chongo glowered at her over his drink wordlessly. He was busy trying to calculate just how far he could stretch that $250 he'd got from Paulsky. Business had been slender lately. Not good looking either. Just slender, period.

"I shoulda become an arms manufacturer," thought Chongo. "I coulda had a great big oak desk, an office on the 25th floor, and a human secretary with 36 inch legs."

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,freda
Date: 21 Apr 04 - 02:47 AM

Rhymin Simon could feel his heart throbbing under his tie dyed T shirt and waistcoat. Who was this hairy ape anyway, and did he really have to grovel to an ape to get results. This was the 23rd PI he had tried, and he'd almost given up.

But he remembered the strange howling sound he had heard last night, and Magenta was still off her face. This Chongo guy was at least prepared to listen..

He handed over the cash, and walked out, Magenta leaning on his arm.
"You'll be okay, babe, you'll be okay".

God, he thought, her eyes are so damn bloodshod .. what's got into her?

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Little Hawk
Date: 20 Apr 04 - 09:56 PM

Chongo had heard some freakin' dumb stories before, but this one hadda be the winner. This little greasy Jewish cat named Simon Paulsky comes in with his half-corked girlfriend, a sharp lookin' dame named Magenta. She's got what looks like a couple of really nasty hickies on her neck and she's three sheets to the wind. Paulsky says she's been bit by a vampire. Right...

Chongo idly lit up a stogie. "Look, bo, I wasn't born yesterday. There ain't no such thing as vampires. You been watchin' too many movies. Don't waste my time with this."

"You've gotta help us," moaned Rhymin' Simon, wringing his hands in despair. "The cops don't believe me either, but it's true. I saw him with my own eyes. His name is...Vlad the Inhaler!" There was true terror in Paulsky's bulging little eyes.

"Yeah, okay..." Chongo shrugged, and took a long drag on his Cuban. "I'll look into it. I need $250 down as a retainer. After that it's $50 per diem, payable on Fridays. Ya got any more useful info before I get started?"

"Yes," gasped Paulsky, "this Vlad...he's got terrible bad breath..."

"Ask me if I'm surprised."

"And he appears to be violently allergic to the sound of banjo music!"

"No kiddin'?" said Chongo. He took another slow drag and blew a smoke ring. He thought back to last year's caper with that crazy, dumb singin' Orangutan, Big Daddy Malone, and his awful hillbilly rendition of Big Rock Candy Mountain.

"Allergic to the banjo, huh? Who the hell ain't?"

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 20 Apr 04 - 07:06 PM

Rhymin' Simon turned to find Magenta unconscious on the pub floor. God, he was so sick of carrying that woman into the car, she drank too much and it was just embarassing. Here was Micca and Col K to help, as usual, Thanks, mates, she's got a good heart. They crammed her into the back seat of the car, with her sequined clutch bag and handkerchief. Her legs were always a hassle to get in - so long, but tonight they seemed strangely floppy.

As Simon adjusted the velvet collar of her cape, he shuddered, and shrank back - there, in her tripe-white neck, were two ..puncture holes.

No, he thought, no. Surely she hasn't been hitting the hard stuff?



What a strange place to inject.

As he revved up the engine of his landrover, Simon pondered on life. It was a choice between tolerance and loneliness, between cleaning up after yourself or being nagged by Magenta. What the hell, they'd walked this road before. Strange about those puncture marks on the neck.

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,Natasha Smasher
Date: 20 Apr 04 - 10:20 AM

Vlad's head was dizzy and he smelt the blood oozing so neatly from the two neat holes in her neck.. His nostrils flared as he bent forward and started to suck.. WHAM Val staggered back, and turned, to see, just behind him, a small, grizzled man with steelo eyebrows and a loud voice.

Fists, legs flying , thumps, Val was enjoying this, practising his Mud-Cat-Do on the puny, pissed poet. He floored him with a snap kick to the endives, and was just about to grab Magenta and run, when he heard a strange, plucking sound. There, coming closer to the balcony, was that strange, well dressed man with the American accent and the banjo.

Vlad felt a wave of nausea rush through him, quivering up and down his spine, vibrating into his very adnoids... NOT the banjo! he cried, and raced, out of the pub and into the darkened night.

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,amalia clawall
Date: 20 Apr 04 - 10:12 AM

Magenta sized up the man standing in front of her. Broad shoulders, ebony hair and eyes, a bit pallid (has he just come out of jail, she thought), goth. Not really to her taste, but he was offering her a drink.

"Cointreau, thanks, on the rocks."

There was so much noise, she couldn't hear what he was saying properly, something about having a rise, oh, these men are all the same, but what the hell, the cointreau was delicious, and her partner, Rhymin Simon, was so high on something that he was busy spouting psychadelic poetry, and had forgotten to buy her a drink.

Out on the balcony, it was a little more difficult. His singing was strangely like the howling of a wolf.. or .. oh, I don't know. God, he was a bit ripe, hands everywhere and .. Magenta started to struggle. Suddenly she felt his hot breath on her neck, well, that always did feel good, and a sudden sharp STABBING pain, she SCREAMED AND FAINTED.

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,Bleeding Gums Boris
Date: 20 Apr 04 - 09:45 AM

Vlad looked about him. What was this place? Hot fire in the corner - could prove handy. Uh, that horrible noise was following him, like a bad smell. There, in the corner, was that man, surrounded by what appeared to be a bunch of very rowdy, scraggly types, listening as he played that horrible banjo. And there, by his side, was Jessica the air hostess, clutching a guiness and tapping her foot to the sound of that cackling, jangling instrument.

Vlad was feeling tetchy. Not only was the beer warm, there was a remarkable shortage of bats. He looked about him frantically, his mouth salivating.

Meanwhile, those unwashed bohemians in the corner were making the most ungodly cacophany of sounds, something about Mary Ellen Carter. Vlad got the message, this was some pagan goddess who was about to Rise Again. Good, just what he needed, a newly born sacrifice to satiate his cravings. He gazed at the group with narrowed eyes. The women varied from the spiked hair and pierced nose lot, to one adorable lass with long, raven locks and a crushed velvet cloak. Perhaps THIS was Mary Ellen, the one who had Risen Again.

Vlad sashayed across the room, vodka in hand, and addressed the young Mary Ellen.

"Risen Goddess. I am Count Vladimir the Inhaler, also known as Mudvig of Catnipia. What a beautiful voice you have. Will you come with me to the balcony and sing to me, as we watch the rising stars?"

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Micca
Date: 20 Apr 04 - 06:49 AM

So Vlad staggered in to the pub from his truck
"Bring me some real food not this microwave muck
I'll have cheese and Marmite and Breville ham toast
I can eat all the kinds is my very proud boast

But this morning all bleary I staggered back home
I was feeling my teeth were like a bald mans comb
I absently poured ketchup on to my Frosties
And Knew I was suffering from mixin ma Toasties!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,Ellenpoly
Date: 20 Apr 04 - 05:22 AM

I really hope Kendall gets a chance to read this!..xx..e

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 20 Apr 04 - 04:53 AM

Vladimir twitched impatiently as he sat in the airplane seat. He watched that pale, elfin yound hostess with impatience. He could see her fluttering, trembling as she passed him the Bloody Mary. He was just biding his time until he could get into the cubicle and snort some speed.

Vlad's heart was beating, his muscles racing, blood pumped to his head, he could feel the vein on his throat throbbing. Leaving him sitting in this flight, under those fluorescent lights, watching that quivering hostess, was a special type of strain.

as the lights in the cabin dimmed, he heard a sardonic laugh from the back of the cabin. A well dressed, distinguished looking man in his middle years was pulling something down from the upper cabin. Soft, ironic, yankee accent, a little gruff, maybe. Smoker? What was that object? It was...

... a banjo! ...strains of Del McCoury flooding down the eisle, and that young air hostess, moving enraptured, towards the sound!

Damn. Vladimir tightened his strap. Bats taste better, anyway.

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 04 Apr 04 - 10:16 AM

as Vladimir climbed up the steps of the airoplane, his eye glanced upon a nubile young air hostess. feeling cranky at the thought of hours in the air without his bats, Vladimir smiled at the young hostie as he slid into his seat.

It was Jessica's first flight. she was excited, and she knew that this was her lucky day. As she stood smiling at the front of the cabin, she looked at the man in 32a.

He was tall, thinning on top, and had a questioning look in his eyes. Somehow she felt compelled to walk towards him.

Can I help you sir, she whispered nervously. He smiled, and looked deep into her eyes -

a bloody mary, thanks. With lots of salt.

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Morticia
Date: 04 Apr 04 - 09:11 AM

Oh no, cried she, this cannot be
I've been fooled by an impala
Whilst the love of my life, has taken to wife
A lousy young harlot of a Llama.

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,amalia clawall
Date: 04 Apr 04 - 07:23 AM

now Vladimir, he stood right straight
and flossed his merry biters
his ticket paid, he's on his way
to sample new delighters

there'll be vampires over
the white cliffs of dover...

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: GUEST,Tony Lair
Date: 05 Feb 04 - 11:02 AM

waddling behind
with a wandering mind,
hairy, rotund and quite fat
was, dressed to the nines
with some hairy behines,
you guessed it,
Young Boris the Bat..

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Micca
Date: 05 Feb 04 - 05:10 AM

And in at the door with a shape like a fauns
Comes an elegant creature with curly great horns
When asked for his name by a door minding Mauler
He Graciously said " I'm Vlad the Impala"

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: freda underhill
Date: 04 Feb 04 - 08:45 AM

The smell of garlic made Vlad weak
his face went even paler
Those hairy Mudcat females said
we know you're the Impaler

The Mudcat felines glared at him
Who's that sweet young thing with you
Vlad eyed their hairy armpits
like a stagnant kangaroo

come my sweet girl, let us away
away from these smelly hags
lets sneak upstairs and have a snort
here - can i carry your bags..
But the Mudcat felines spread their claws
and hissed a mighty curse
poor Vlad was quaking in his boots
crying "help" I need a nurse...

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: LadyJean
Date: 03 Feb 04 - 12:58 AM

I went to Transylvania College for two years.

Subject: RE: BS: Vladimir the Inhaler; Vampire Villain
From: Chief Chaos
Date: 02 Feb 04 - 10:58 PM

Has anyone else considered that in order to off a vampire you have to put a stake through his heart? I'm sure it's not coincidence that the original count was known as Vlad the impaler.