Nice Songs Made Naughty

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: Mrrzy
Date: 13 Sep 22 - 10:12 PM

I didn't know it was a parody... I learned U obly have a 3-inch tool years before hearing I only want to be with you...


Little me, my nuts are as small as pearls,
You like to laugh at me because I'm hung just like a squirrel.
Sometimes it bugs me, I'm not a bigger guy,
When I was a baby it was exactly the same size.
But there's nothing I can do,
Cause I only got a 3 inch tool.

Come home with me, have a cocktail at my place,
I gotta tell you before we get past 2nd base.
In my pants, ain't no big schwing,
But if you can find him he's a friendly little thing.
But there's nothing I can do,
I only got a 3 inch tool.
When I'm comming outta the pool,
I only got a 1 inch tool.

Sometimes I wonder if It'll ever extend,
I get embarassed when I'm hanging with my friends.
They like to razz me, I don't know why.
They get me a Happy Meal and super-size my fry.
And there's nothing I can do,
I only got a 3 inch tool.
And when I'm comming outta the pool,
I only got a 1 inch tool.

Yea, it's small but it's real cool,
I'm happy with a 3 inch tool!
I only got a 3 inch tool

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: Richard Mellish
Date: 07 Sep 22 - 03:56 PM

From very early in this thread
> The Digitrad has the very good dirty version of Teddy Bears' Picnic, which is highly recommended.

The only version I can find there now seems very innocent, not the hilarious one that mentions Winnie the Pooh, Rupert, Paddington, etc.

Anyone have that?

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: GUEST,patriot
Date: 07 Sep 22 - 07:10 AM

The first one's name was Elizaeth Spender
She bent own to fix up her broken suspender
It flew up & hit her right where it was tender
Nobody knew she was there....

two other old ladies involved- can't help with them

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: GUEST
Date: 02 Sep 22 - 10:35 AM

Oh dear what can the matter be, three old ladies got locked in the lavatory, they were there from Monday to Saturday nobody knew they were there.

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: GUEST,Mark Bluemel
Date: 25 Apr 17 - 08:43 AM

Peter Sellers does the Beatles' "Hard Day's Night"...

When I'm home feeling you
holding me tight

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: robomatic
Date: 24 Apr 17 - 12:41 PM

And here we must pause and remember Kenneth Williams and his creation of Rambling Syd Rumpo
:


"Well, tonight I will have great pleasure, but first........
......I'll sing you a few songs"

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: GUEST,jim bainbridge
Date: 24 Apr 17 - 10:37 AM

You don't need to change the words at all- listen to Frankie Howerd singing 'My Way'-

or if you are familiar with his style, just imagining it should do the trick!

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: Thompson
Date: 24 Apr 17 - 03:51 AM

Snorted with laughter at ClaireBear's method, and have been trying it with patriotic ballads:

When boyhood's fire was in my blood, I dreamt of xxxx
For Greece and Rome who bravely xxxx, three hundred men and three men…

Debout, les xxxx de la terre
Debout, les forçats de la xxxx
La raison tonne en son cratère
C'est l'éruption de la xxxx

When the King enjoys his xxxx again
Yes, this I can tell
That all will be well
When the King enjoys his xxxx again

O beautiful for pilgrim xxxx
Whose stern, impassioned stress
A thoroughfare for xxxx beat
Across the wilderness!

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: GUEST
Date: 24 Apr 17 - 03:35 AM

"Valencia....
Stick your head between your legs
and whistle up your Barcelona...

CHeers

Bugsy

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: eftifino
Date: 24 Apr 17 - 03:25 AM

Not naughty, but:

Sung to 'As Usual, by Brenda Lee

Well I awoke with aching head
As Usual
I don't remember going to bed
As Usual
And somewhere inside my left ear
I get a feeling, very queer
It must have been that crappy beer
As Usual.

We sucked it up just like a Hoover
As Usual
The cheap wine and the Paint Remover
As Usual
And somewhere deep inside my brain
I think I hear, A Diesel Train
I must have gotten pissed again
As Usual.

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 24 Apr 17 - 02:39 AM

In my schooldays, Liverpool kids had a tradition of 'one liners' - taking the innocent lines of songs and 'dirtifying' them
The rather beautiful, 'September Song' was represented as:
"The bits of brown came tumbling down in September" (a one-phrase alteration works wonders!)
Then the're's 'Rule Britannia', which emerged at the time of the Chinese Revolution
"Rule Britannia, marmalade and jam,
Five Chinese crackers up your arsehole
Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang".

That worked a bit harder at Funiculee, Funicular

Last night I stayed up late to masturbate,
It did me good, I knew it would,
Last night I stayed up late to masturbate,
It was so nice, I did it twice.

First I tried the long stoke
It was so grand with my right hand
Then I tried the short stroke
Was just as grand with my left hand

Swing it fling it, bang it on the floor,
Suck it, bite it, jamb it in the door
There are some people who may think that fornication is so grand
But for absolute perfection I prefer to use my hand.
My mother, who had a somewhat bawdy sense of humour', used to sing the parlour ballad, 'I Dreamed that I Dwelt in Marble Halls' with the line
"I dreampt I was tickling my old feller's feet,
With a glass of sweet oil and a feather,
The more that I tickled, the louder he laughed
'Till the cheeks of his arse flapped together"
Quite a lot more, if I can remember them
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: GUEST,Geezer
Date: 24 Apr 17 - 01:48 AM

Sung to "Isle of Capri"

'Twas on a pile of debris where I found her
She was drunk just as drunk as can be
I can still smell the crud all around her
When we kissed on that pile of debris

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: LadyJean
Date: 12 Feb 04 - 01:09 AM

At the Ellis School for Girls we recited:
Mary had a little lamb, the doctor was surprised.
But when Old MacDonald had a farm! EEE I EEE I O!

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 11 Feb 04 - 08:02 PM

Drinking On The Premises

Robin

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: Lighter
Date: 11 Feb 04 - 06:57 PM

Dave Bryant - thanks for the link! Song is hilarious!

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: Joe_F
Date: 11 Feb 04 - 06:48 PM

"Mary Had a Little Lamb" has been extensively abused by little boys:

Mary had a little lamb.
She tied it to the heater,
And every time it turned around,
It burned its little peter.

Mary had a little lamb.
She tied it to the sink,
And every time it turned around,
It froze its little dink.

Mary had a little lamb.
The doctors was surprised.

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: EBarnacle
Date: 11 Feb 04 - 08:58 AM

As long as Pleasant and Delightful has been mentioned, I regularly break up my neighbors with:

And the sharks they sank malodorous, to the bottom of the bay.

And I'm leaving my Nancy, she's a tuppeny whore.

And if ever I return again, it'll freeze in hell.

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 11 Feb 04 - 08:13 AM

Lighter - The Kippers wrote a parody of that - "The Bloke Who Come Home Broke From Cromer Bingo"

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: Lighter
Date: 11 Feb 04 - 06:36 AM

LadyJean's version of "Mary Had a Little Lamb" - the chorus anyway - was sung in the American Civil War (with the "the soldiers" rather than "the Finnegan boys"). See Edward Arthur Dolph, "Sound Off!" (1929).

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: LadyJean
Date: 11 Feb 04 - 12:28 AM

We've forgotten the greatest of them all.
All I need to say is "Oh Dear What can the matter be, three old ladies got locked in a lavatory!" (Well, some people sing seven, but I think that's overdoing it.)

Many years ago, I heard a version of Mary had a little lamb with the chorus, "Hurrah for Mary, hurrah for the lamb! hurrah for the Finnegan boys who did not give a damn and every where that Mary went the lamb was sure to go! Shouting the battle cry of freedom"

The last verse went, "And as the teacher took it out, lead it out, pushed it out, and as the teacher forced it out, it ppplllllffft upon the school.

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: Lighter
Date: 10 Feb 04 - 07:28 PM

Not naughty by today's standards:

As he walks along the Bois de Boulogne with an independent air,
The people stand and stare,
For he's in his underwear.
His credit's all gone and his suit's in the pawn,
He once had a nickel but now he's got none -
He's the man who lost his shirt at Monte Carlo!

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 10 Feb 04 - 12:16 PM

Micca/Walrus

As you were dressing on the morning after
I watched your titties and I roared with laughter
- Oh how the left one swings - the foolish things . . . .



I have heard naughty persons spoil "Pleasant and Delightful" with various modifications and additions:-

It was pleasant and delightful one midsummer's morn
When the fields and the meadows were all covered in corn
And the blackbirds and thrushes sang on every green spray
And the sharks they played melodeons at the bottom of the bay.

A sailor and his true love were a'walking one day
Said the sailor to his truelove I am bound far away
I am bound for the East Indies where the load cannons roar (Tiger imitations)
I must go and leave my Nancy, she's a di-ir-ty old whore

Then the ring from off her finger she instantly drew (- POP)
Saying, Take this my dearest William and the finger came too
And whilst he stood embracing her tears from her eyes fell
Saying, May I go along with you, o no, my love, like hell !

So it's fare thee well my Nancy, I can no longer stay
For the topsail is hoisted and the anchor is weighed (- Twenty Tons)
And the ship lies awaiting for the next flowing tide (- Puking noises)
And if ever I return again, keep your legs open wide !

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 10 Feb 04 - 11:49 AM

Micca/Walrus

As you were dressing on the morning after
I watched your titties and I roared with laughter
- Oh how the left one swings - the foolish things . . . .



I have heard naughty persons spoil "Pleasant and Delightful" with various modifications and additions:-

It was pleasant and delightful one midsummer's morn
When the fields and the meadows were all covered in corn
And the blackbirds and thrushes sang on every green spray
And the sharks they played melodeons at the bottom of the bay.

A sailor and his true love were a'walking one day
Said the sailor to his truelove I am bound far away
I am bound for the East Indies where the load cannons roar (Tiger imitations)
I must go and leave my Nancy, she's a di-ir-ty old whore

Then the ring from off her finger she instantly drew (- POP)
Saying, Take this my dearest William and the finger came too
And whilst he stood embracing her tears from her eyes fell
Saying, May I go along with you, o no, my love, like hell !

So it's fare thee well my Nancy, I can no longer stay
For the topsail is hoisted and the anchor is weighed (- Twenty Tons)
And the ship lies awaiting for the next flowing tide (- Puking noises)
And if ever I return again, keep your legs open wide !

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: MudGuard
Date: 10 Feb 04 - 03:06 AM

One beautiful song (Hello Noreen!) which has been made naughty is
Hard times come again no more

Go here to read the viagra version of it

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: Lighter
Date: 09 Feb 04 - 11:07 PM

That village idiot verse is known to appear now and again in "The Ball of Kirriemuir."

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: Midchuck
Date: 09 Feb 04 - 07:56 PM

Not really a song but:

Under the spreading chestnut tree
The village idiot sat
Amusing himself by abusing himself
And catching it in his hat...

I just got a tape of Norman Blake singing "The Burial of Wild Bill" and realized the above would fit the melody.

Peter.

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Feb 04 - 07:02 PM

We also sang

We're coming, we're coming all over our beds
From the tips of our toes to the hair on our heads....

and, of course, we messed around with "We shall overcome" and "Blowin' in the wind."

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Feb 04 - 06:59 PM

Teresa, here's another verse I remember:

My man is six foot tall, is six foot tall, is six foot tall
My man is six foot tall
And likes his drop of brandy.
Goes to bed at six o'clock
Goes to bed at six o'clock
Goes to bed at six o'clock
He's lazy, fat, and randy.

(Chorus)

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: Joybell
Date: 09 Feb 04 - 06:35 PM

Oh! the memories! I had a lot of trouble finding out the words to the naughty songs when I was at school because all anyone would ever sing was the first line of some song and then they would all fall about laughing. "Down behind the GPO" HAAAAAAA! Giggle. I have this idea that most kids didn't know the rest either but were not willing to admit it. Joy

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: TheBigPinkLad
Date: 09 Feb 04 - 06:08 PM

We used to do two songs in the sixties that were a giggle; Obladi Oblada you just left out words:

Desmond has a **** in the market place
Mollie is the **** in the band
Desmond says to Mollie, "Girl I like your ***"
And Mollie says this as she takes him by the ***

and the second was Perry Como's Magic Moments:

I'll never forget
The dirty old get
That slashed on me flowers
The night of the dance
You khakied your pants
The smell was atrocious
A touch of your crutch
Well thanks very much
It's simply delicious ... etc.

Infantile really ... ;o)

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: JennieG
Date: 09 Feb 04 - 12:20 AM

As a child in school (a thousand years ago) we used to sing:

Lady of Spain I adore you
pull down your pants, I'll explore you....

and (I'm looking over a four leaf clover):

I'm getting over a big hangover that I got the night before,
First came the whisky and then came the gin
Then came the redhead who wouldn't give in
There's no explaining the blonde remaining
'Cause she's on the bedroom floor -
I'm getting over a big hangover that I got the night before!

and:

'Twas on the isle of Capri that I found her
She was naked and tied to a tree
I could not resist the temptation
And now she's a mother of three!

Ah - the follies of childhood!

Snigger snigger.....
Cheers
JennieG

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: Teresa
Date: 08 Feb 04 - 09:49 PM

Bingo, Rapaire! Hahahahaha! I knew that song sounded familiar ...
Teresa

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: The Walrus
Date: 08 Feb 04 - 08:35 PM

More versions of 'These Foolish Things' (based on a memory like a Swiss cheese)

A lipstick stain upon an old french letter,
That little sore that simply won't get better,
How Pennicillin stings,
These foolish thing remind me of you

The flat we shared above a Gents' urinal,
The thrills you gave were simply xxxxxxx (possibly misremnered as endochrinal)
But how the smell of it clings
These foolish thing remind me of you

That night a 'Dockers' where we both got platered
And some time later when you stopped the bastard,
It's in a bottle at King's
These foolish thing remind me of you

There is also a verse which starts
"The worn out sofa that we had our shags on"
but I can't remember any more of it

Walrus

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: GUEST,Clint Keller
Date: 08 Feb 04 - 08:04 PM

Is "Bell Bottom Trousers" a naughty song made nice?

clint

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: Joe_F
Date: 08 Feb 04 - 07:58 PM

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
Oh piss on thee, O Christmas tree.

*

Oh, how we danced on the night we were wed!
We danced and we danced till we fell out of bed.

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Feb 04 - 06:31 PM

Teresa,

I learned that as "Some say the devil is dead". The Dubliners did it on one of their albums.

Some say the devil is dead
The devil is dead
The devil is dead
Some say the devil is dead
And buried in Killarney.

More say he rose again
More say he rose again
More say he rose again
And joined the British Army.

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 08 Feb 04 - 06:19 PM

In the 1960's ther was not a school dance that was allowed to finish without "Running Bear"...

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: Joybell
Date: 08 Feb 04 - 05:33 PM

I've mentioned it before but never, never respond to a request for "Running Bear" in an Australian pub. Once they start adding "without his/her pants on after EVERY line you'll never be able to sing another song for the rest of the gig. They won't let you leave it alone!
Also "Five foot, six foot, seven foot BUNCH!" out of "Banana Boat Song" is always heard as very rude. It's the rhythm and the image it creates I reckon. Joy

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: JennyO
Date: 08 Feb 04 - 08:59 AM

loo and poo would fit right in, too.

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: van lingle
Date: 08 Feb 04 - 07:11 AM

Thanks for the second verse Micca. "Horses jacksie",eh?

Ladyjean, as kids we use to sing that version of the Popeye song but used "I eat from a garbage can" for the 2nd line and inserted the words "manure" and "sewer" where the strange noises occur.vl

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: Micca
Date: 08 Feb 04 - 05:46 AM

Van Lingle, all I can remember of the Parody of "these Foolish Things remind me of you is slightly different

" A ruptured foreskin in a tight French letter
a case of Syphilis that wont get better
oh how the needle stings
these Foolish things
remind me of you

A furtive grope inside a London Taxi
the Faint aroma of a Horses jacksie
oh how the odour clings
these foolish things
remind me of you

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: Teresa
Date: 08 Feb 04 - 05:39 AM

Oh, if I could only hum the tune for this one for everybody. I don't remember the name of it, but it sounds like it could be a reel or even another song. I remember Robin Williamson singing it in concert, interspersing with playing it on the penny whistle:

My wife's got a furry thing,
A furry thing, a furry thing.
My wife's got a furry thing;
She showed it to me Sunday.

It came from the furrier's,
The furrier's, the furrier's.
It came from the furrier's;
It's going back on Monday!

Teresa

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: ced2
Date: 08 Feb 04 - 05:28 AM

In the garden the other year upon a neighbour commenting that I was whistling a nice tune... my response was "Ah but you don't know the words I'm whistling!!!"

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: GUEST
Date: 08 Feb 04 - 01:07 AM

My Yorkshire father taught me, when I was five, to sing:

"Captain Cook took his hook and sailed across the river,
He bumped him bum on a bottle of rum which made his belly shiver"

My mother was scandalised - and it was he reaction which told me the song was 'naughty' not the words, though they seem very tame now of course.

Later, when I was 12, I was in a pantomime and one of the songs which I naively sang at home, once more without suspecting the words were suspect...

"It was in Baghdad when me mother met me Dad singing 'Nelly put yer belly next to mine' "   And my Dad nearly knocked me across the room!

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: nosluap57
Date: 08 Feb 04 - 01:00 AM

The Monica Lewinski (was The Mary Ellen Carter)

She went down on Bill Clinton
In the east wing oval office
All evening hed'd been hoping
He would have a little fun
And the groan he gave as she went down
caused him to proclaim
She made old Slick Willie rise again!

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: LadyJean
Date: 07 Feb 04 - 11:46 PM

In the early 60s, Cap'n Jim, hosted Popeye cartoons on board a cardboard boat called the Nancy B.
He encouraged kids to send in parodies of the Popeye song. One afternoon, he read one very peculiarly.
"I'm Popeye the sailor man"
"I live in the garbage can"
"Live in the....." a very strange noise but no word.
And I smell like......" the same noise.
"I'm Popeye the sailor man".
I was very young and didn't know there were such things as words you don't say on television. So, I just thought he was laughing at a funny parody.
Now I know, and I wish I knew what the song was. It was probably vulgar without being funny. But it would add to the story.

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: Bill D
Date: 07 Feb 04 - 10:17 AM

SINSULL...the lady at the Getaway was our own Janice Cole....who can do "Rubber Ducky" one minute and a haunting Scots Ballad the next...(but, did you by chance get to hear her do "Kitchen Man"??..images of sausages and jelly rolls to make you more than hungry!)

I remember from high school:
To "Stormy Weather"
"Wonder why, there's no ass at North High-
Damned inflation...hafta go back to masturbation--
I'm horny all the tiimmeee..."

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: van lingle
Date: 07 Feb 04 - 08:51 AM

A Scottish friend sings this to These Foolish Things:

The shattered remnant of a used French letter,
A dose of syphilis that won't get better,
Oh when I piss how it stings,
These foolish things remind me of you.

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: JJ
Date: 07 Feb 04 - 08:04 AM

The actress Susan Jacks used to audition with "Rubber Ducky," changing no lyrics but making one wonder where that rubber ducky had been.

Another show music standby is also from MY FAIR LADY. In "Show Me," simply substitute "blow."

Subject: RE: Nice Songs Made Naughty
From: LadyJean
Date: 07 Feb 04 - 12:18 AM

My mother was a charming lady with silver gray hair, who spoke like a propah Bahstonian. My friend Nils held her in great reverence.
I wish you could have seen the look on his face when he began singing, "Oh this is the day they give babies away with a half a pound of tea" and mother chimed in with "If you know any ladies who want any babies just send them along to me!"
He still talks about it!