BS: Get to know Canada...please

Subject: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: Willie-O
Date: 04 Aug 04 - 04:52 PM

This was in the Straightgoods.com newsletter...it's too funny to resist.


Now that Vancouver has won the 2010 Winter Olympics these are some questions people the world over are asking!!!! These questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?(UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: We still use Beaver pelts.
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada?(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North. Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is. . . Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, We don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay night-clubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget it's name. It's a kind of big horse with horns.(USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: Bill D
Date: 04 Aug 04 - 05:06 PM

ah, yes, Willie-o...important information any visitor will need! Can I have the movie rights as these folks get off the bus/plane/train and try to adhere to the rules?

(I grew up in Kansas... I was once on the ferry from Seattle to Juneau, and confessed my origin to some people from California...they asked, honestly, if there were places to tie up horses in Dodge City, and if the roads were paved. I wish now I had been cleverer in my replies)

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: Amos
Date: 04 Aug 04 - 05:10 PM

I kinda like those answers, buit the questions are really dumb!!

A

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: Willie-O
Date: 04 Aug 04 - 05:33 PM

It sure helped me out. Just last week I was wondering why that big horse with horns was doing those terrible things to those poor stranded motorists...

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: Blackcatter
Date: 04 Aug 04 - 09:01 PM

A couple of years ago I visited Quebec with my then girlfriend. She hated the fact that everyone spoke French (even though nearly all that we needed to converse with also spoke Engish) and remarked that she'll never go back to Canada because of the language.

I tried to explain to her that not all of Canada is French speaking, but really, I kind of gave up and broke up with her a couple weeks later. Believe it or not, she is a journalist with a business journal.

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: kendall
Date: 04 Aug 04 - 09:10 PM

So, we in Maine don't get ALL of the stupid questions!

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: Peace
Date: 04 Aug 04 - 09:11 PM

I thought that ship sunk? Are you OK?

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: Blackcatter
Date: 04 Aug 04 - 09:18 PM

He said in Maine, not on it.

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Aug 04 - 09:49 PM

Okay, all you Canadians. I've actually heard these myself when traveling Up There. Not all were Americans, either!

1. (To a gas station attendant in British Columbia): "Speakee Englishee?"

2. "Why don't you use REAL money here?"

3. "What the hell's that in REAL miles?"

4. "But HAIL, everbody in DALLAS takes 'merican Express!"

5. (To an Ontario Provincial Police Officer): "You can't be the police, you don't have a red coat."

6. (On Vancouver Island): "Is this where those really high tides come in?"

7. (At The Bay in Vancouver): "Do you still trade with the Indians for furs and things?"

8. (In downtown Quebec): "We haven't seen a single polar bear, John."

9. "Wow, they have CARS here! It's just like back home in Memphis!"

10. (In Beaver Creek, Yukon): "Does it snow here?"

Really and truly, I've heard these with my own ears. And sometimes my wife and I started speaking French as a cover!

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: open mike
Date: 04 Aug 04 - 10:41 PM

but seriously, folks, this seems like a great way to see canada:
March 19-23, 2005
VANCOUVER TO TORONTO COWBOY TRAIN
The Tom Russell Cowboy Train will feature top legends of Western Poetry and Song:
Tom Russell, Andrew Hardin, Don Edwards, Ramblin' Jack Elliott, Wylie and the Wild West and Paul Zarzyski.
Intimate concerts, workshops, song swaps and the sprawling landscape of Canada:
over Tete Jaune (Yellowhead) Pass in the Rockies, across the vast prairies and
through the magnificent, austere Shield in gorgeous 1950's domeliner equipment.
$2489 CN per person (approx $1800 US as of 6/1) gets you hotel in Vancouver and Toronto,
sleeper berth, non-stop music and all meals on board, plus a concert in Vancouve and farewell celebration in Toronto.
Fans and pickers alike will treasure this experience!
Limited to 70 passengers, as of June 1 only 40 spaces remain; reserve your space now!
2-person private rooms (with sink and water closet) available at $300 CN (approx $220 US) per person additional.
Call Charlie Hunter toll free at 866-484-3669 or email him at [e-mail].
He'll be happy to talk about the trip and answer any questions you might have.

Click Here For PDF Information/Sign Up Form
http://www.tomrussell.com/TomTrain05_Flyer.pdf
www.rootsontherails.com
http://www.flyingunderradar.com/

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: Peace
Date: 05 Aug 04 - 12:42 AM

Train is one of the great ways to do it. I have travelled from Halifax to Vancouver by train--on different trips--and it is a mind blower. Loved it, and I intend to take that trip one more time before I kick off. Years back, as part of a "Touch the Earth" radio show 'revival', a gang of singer/songwriters were recorded on the train and a record was released from those recordings. Loved the trip. It was memorable and a heckuva lotta fun.

Bruce Murdoch.

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: Den
Date: 05 Aug 04 - 10:48 AM

Very funny Willie-O, LOL. We have the Hippo races here in Halifax too 'cept the Hippos from here speak with an accent and refer to everyone as, "buddy", which is a little disconcerting as we all know how bad tempered they can be at times.

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: el ted
Date: 05 Aug 04 - 10:53 AM

Canada? Isn't that in Texas?

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: Cool Beans
Date: 05 Aug 04 - 01:57 PM

From here in Detroit you can see a big sign over in Windsor that says Canadian Club. Is that like some kind of tomahawk?

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: Peter T.
Date: 05 Aug 04 - 01:57 PM

I don't know, many of these questions make sense to me. The stupidest one I ever heard with my own ears was standing looking at the Eiffel Tower about 400 yards ahead, and someone (American alas) said: "Is this Paris?" For a brief moment, I thought I was dealing with star crossed lovers, or an existentialist or a druggie or jet-lagged drunks, or a bus tour, but it was a sort of normal looking guy asking his girlfriend a serious question.


Festival Express is a new movie about the 1970 cross-Canada rail-rock and roll trip taken by Janis Joplin and others.

yours,

Peter T.

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: kendall
Date: 05 Aug 04 - 02:03 PM

You have to wonder how these nit wits hold a job.

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Aug 04 - 03:49 PM

I was in a hotel in Shannon, Ireland, getting ready to leave for the State the next morning. I was with a whole bunch of touring Knights of Columbus (never again!) and had just left the bar with a pint of Guinness in hand when an American tourist said to me, "Ah'm jist dyin' fer a Co'cola! WhereEVER did you git such a nice sized on?" I told her to go into the bar and get what everyone else was having -- to tell the barman "pull a pint, please."

Never did find out what happened....

I'm reminded of another Canadian experience: "They have SALT up here and it's just like we have back in Miami!"

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: Blackcatter
Date: 05 Aug 04 - 03:53 PM

Really though, if Canada is such a wonderful place, why is it on the same continent with the U.S. and Mexico? Shouldn't it had moved out of the neighborhood years ago?

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: TheBigPinkLad
Date: 05 Aug 04 - 03:57 PM

We're too polite to complain. ;o)

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: CarolC
Date: 05 Aug 04 - 04:32 PM

The sugar tasts different though.

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: CarolC
Date: 05 Aug 04 - 04:33 PM

And it tastes different too...

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 05 Aug 04 - 05:37 PM

I know that most Canadians speak pretty decent English, but why, when we landed at Toronto Airport, was I looking at the sign that read 'Sortie' and translating it to English, when it was in English underneath?

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: Amos
Date: 05 Aug 04 - 05:45 PM

That is not a Canadian issue, darlin, but an English one!! :>))

A

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 05 Aug 04 - 05:50 PM

Was it sortie like and "Exit" sign?

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: open mike
Date: 05 Aug 04 - 06:04 PM

i thought a sortie was a bombing radi..

and here is a blurb about the movie mentioned above..
FESTIVAL EXPRESS.
"Should rightfully take its place in rock history as one of the great
performance films of all time.' Richard James Havis, HOLLYWOOD REPORTER.
In 1970, a train journeyed across Canada carrying some of the greatest rock
bands of the time. Janis Joplin, The Band, The Grateful Dead, Delaney &
Bonnie, Buddy Guy, Ian & Sylvia and others lived (and partied) together for
five days, giving concerts where and when they stopped.
Festival Express was planned as a festival with a difference -- it would be
portable. The artists would be showcased at festival sites spanning the
breadth of the Canadian heartland, from Toronto to Calgary -- and
transportation was by chartered train. This proved to be a stroke of
genius, indelibly stamping the event with an aura of magic.
see SF Chronicle Review at
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2004/07/23/DDG257QUIA1.DTL

I remember hearing about one fellow who could have been in that train video, or at least i heard he made music on trains in canada..He was
drowned in a flash flood in the south west (TX, Ariz, N.Mex?) a few years back....any one know who i mean?

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 05 Aug 04 - 06:14 PM

I know that most Canadians speak pretty decent English, but why, when we landed at Toronto Airport, was I looking at the sign that read 'Sortie' and translating it to English, when it was in English underneath?

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: Blackcatter
Date: 05 Aug 04 - 06:22 PM

Liz,

That's the first time I've ever seen a double post separated by 37 minutes!


I've always thought it odd that Canadian culture is less like British culture. The sortie/exit sign is one example. Usually in the U.K. the sign would be "way out."

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: Little Hawk
Date: 05 Aug 04 - 09:21 PM

And...some of Canada's most famous exports:

Neil Young, Gordon Lightfoot, Ian & Sylvia, Buffy Sainte-Marie, Leonard Cohen, Bruce Cockburn, Joni Mitchell...and more recently, Shania Twain, Alanis Morissette, and Celine Dionne...and best of all.... (drum roll) ... William Shatner!!!!!

And Canada's most treasured musical import...the expatriate southern American singer, Jesse Winchester!

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: CarolC
Date: 05 Aug 04 - 10:02 PM

Ack! You can keep Winchester! In what part of Canada does he live?

In the export category don't forget Dan Ackroyd, Martin Short, Dave Foley, John Candy, Rick Moranis, and Dave Thomas, although you've kept some of the best for yourself, like Rick Mercer, Mary Walsh, Cathy Jones, Greg Thomey, and Buddy Wassisname.

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: Little Hawk
Date: 05 Aug 04 - 10:26 PM

Huh? What have you got against Jesse Winchester? He did some great tunes. I believe he is living in Quebec, but I'm not quite sure. He might be farther east than that.

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: GUEST,Obie
Date: 05 Aug 04 - 10:49 PM

Years ago I was camping in nortern Maine. In answer to a Question from a man in the next campsite; "Where ya'all from?" I told him "Nova Scotia". "Is it very cold way up there ?" "Actually no, because Nova Scotia is southeast of here." He just could not comprehend that Nova Scotia could be where I said until I took out a map and showed him.
                   Obie
P.S. My humble apology to all U.S.A. weathermen for sending you all that cold weather from Canada that you frequently mention in your forecasts.

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: Bob Bolton
Date: 06 Aug 04 - 12:18 AM

G'day Willie-O,

I see that set of silly questions has been retreaded ... again! I doubt that the version I saw in 1999 ... before the Sydney Olympic Games ... was original - and I'm sure there is something equally rude to the tourist influx to Greece will be floating about the Athens end of the Web.

However, someone must have really been anxious to stir the Canadian / US (and a few others) pot ... to have this out in anticipation of the 2010 Winter Olympics!

Regards(les)s,

Bob

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: CarolC
Date: 06 Aug 04 - 12:39 AM

I don't know, LH. Just rubs me the wrong way, I guess.

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: Peace
Date: 06 Aug 04 - 02:32 AM

Jesse's in Montreal last I heard.

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: Metchosin
Date: 06 Aug 04 - 03:15 AM

OK. How about some questions asked by tourists at the Banff National Park Information Kiosk?

1. How do the Elk know they're supposed to cross at the "Elk Crossing" signs?

2. At what elevation does an Elk become a Moose?

3. Tourist: "How do you pronounce 'Elk'?"
    Park Information Staff: " 'Elk' "
    Tourist: "Oh".

4. Are the Bears with collars tame?

5. Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose?

6. Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent?

7. Where can I find Alpine Flamingos?

8. I saw an animal on the way to Banff today - could you tell me what it was?

9. Are there birds in Canada?

10. Did I miss the turnoff for Canada?

11. Where does Alberta end and Canada begin?

12. Do you have a map of the State of Jasper?

13. Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan?

14. If I go to B.C., do I have to go through Ontario?

15. Which is the way to the Columbia Rice fields?

16. How far is Banff from Canada?

17. What's the best way to see Canada in a day?

18. Do they search you at the B.C. border?

19. When we enter B.C. do we have to convert our money to British pounds?

20. Where can I buy a raccoon hat? ALL Canadians own one, don't they?

21. Are there phones in Banff?

22. So it's eight kilometres away... is that in miles?

23. We're on the decibel system you know.

24. Where can I get my husband really, REALLY, lost??

25. Is that two kilometres by foot or by car?

26. Don't you Canadians know anything?

27. Where do you put the animals at night?

28. Tourist: "How do you get your lakes so blue?"
      Park staff: "We take the water out in the winter and paint the bottom".
      Tourist: "Oh!"

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: Ellenpoly
Date: 06 Aug 04 - 05:40 AM

Has anyone asked the one question that has been plaguing me for decades (hey, Ellenpoly, get a LIFE!)...

Do all Canadians end their sentences with "eh", eh?

;-D


..xx..e

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 06 Aug 04 - 10:20 AM

We also had a lovely bumpersticker - group of faces with huge toothpaste smiles & the caption - "Keep taking your medication, our overseas visitors must not suspect a thing"

One of our radio stations asked listeners for advice for tourists, & they were brilliant. I can only remember a few of them, one was about taking bicyles from riders as the Givernment provides them for everyone to use, another was to remove all clothes, not just shoes as Japanese peole do, before entering a home.

But then I cocmpletely ignored the 2000 Olympics & will do again in a few weeks when the 2004 games start taking over the world of the media.

sandra

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: CarolC
Date: 06 Aug 04 - 02:22 PM

"Eh" is a very, very good word, Ellenpoly. It has many subtle permutations and shades of meaning. Unfortunately, not all Canadians use it regularly. In Newfoundland, "right" ("roite") and a particular sound that can't be spelled out, and I can't even describe, but is as versatile as "eh", are more commonly used.

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River
Date: 06 Aug 04 - 03:24 PM

Eh is a very cool expression, eh? We use it a lot in Ontario. You can pretty well use it at the end of, like, pretty well anything, eh? It's like an all porpoise word, eh? The French don't, like, use it much because they don't speak English too good, eh? That is there loss! The people out west don't use it cos they are embarzaessed to be Canadian, eh? They should all just move to the USA in my opnion and then we real Canadians from ONtario cvould mvoe out there and fix the place up, eh? To be in good shape a town needs at least one Tim Hortons, 2 bars, a Beer Store, and a LCBO, and a strip joint, eh?

I used "eh" a lot in this, like, post so's you would, like, get the idea, eh?

Decent.

- BDiBR

p.s. brucie, don't get upset over what I said about people out west. You are an exception and I would not mean to insult you, eh?

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: Peace
Date: 06 Aug 04 - 03:36 PM

No offence taken, buddy.

Maybe one of the best kept secrets in the world is how to pronounce 'eh'. It is done like the 'ey' in hey. Of course, after a few brew it starts to sound like 'eh'. And get pronounced like 'eh'. So, sentences like, "You saw that too, eh, eh?" make sense. A very erudite people are Canadians. And a good answer would be, "Eh? Eh! Eh."

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: CarolC
Date: 06 Aug 04 - 03:41 PM

BDiBR... beauty, eh!

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River
Date: 06 Aug 04 - 08:07 PM

Carol...Flippin' A, eh!

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: Blackcatter
Date: 06 Aug 04 - 11:16 PM

Isn't it about time for us all to join hands and sing Oh Canada, eh?


By the way, Living in the shadow of Disney World, I often find Canadian coins in my change. If I were to mail them to one of you Canadians, could you exchange them for real money?

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: Peace
Date: 07 Aug 04 - 12:09 AM

You bet. I suppose you want it sent back, too?

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: Blackcatter
Date: 07 Aug 04 - 01:59 AM

ha!

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: Joe_F
Date: 07 Aug 04 - 10:16 AM

There ain't nothing between the North Pole & Texas but a barbwire fence. -- Texan saying (I won't try to do the accent)

One time, on a newsgroup, we were lamenting the ignorance of Canada in the U.S. As an example, I said: Given a blank map of the contiguous U.S., I could probably pencil in the states pretty nearly; but when it comes to Canada -- which comes first, Saskatchewan or Manitoba? To which a Canadian retorted: They both come last.

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: Peace
Date: 07 Aug 04 - 11:19 AM

Did Saskatchewan join too? Cool.

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: Blackcatter
Date: 07 Aug 04 - 11:37 AM

Texas, the Prussia of America

As for Canada, I'll take Nunavut!

OK Canadians, Here's a quiz, let's see how knowledgeable you are about the land to your north.



Nunavut quiz

1)Why is April 1,1999, the most important date in Nunavut history?

a) Becomes a new Territory
b) Gains oil rights
c) Mining rights
d) separates from Canada.


2) What is Nunavut's Capital?

a) Nuvik
b) Inuvik
c) Iqaluit
d) Innuktuk


3) What does Nunavut mean in Inuktitut?

a) Our Land
b) Endless sun
c) midnight sun
d) new land


4) When did Nunavut residents vote on whether to create a new territory?

a) April, 1982
b) June 1990
c) March, 1985
d) April 1983


5) In what year does Nunavut become a new Territory?

a) 2000
b) 1999
c) 2001
d) 2002


6) When did the Government of Canada and representatives for the Inuit of Nunavut sign the historic agreement?

a) July 9, 1997
b) June 9, 1993
c) July 9, 1993
d) August 10, 1993


7) How big is Nunavut (approximately)?

a) 2,500,000 square kilometers
b) 5,000,000 square kilometers
c) 2,000,000 square kilometers
d) 2,000,500 square kilometers


8) Who is the interim Commissioner for Nunavut?

a) William Noontik
b) Jack Anawak
c) John Ounack
d) John Nanook


9) What are the official languages of Nunavut?

a) Inuktitut
b) English and French
c) Inuktitut, Innuinaqtun, English and French
d) Innuinaqtun


10) What is the approximate population of Nunavut?

a) 26,000 people
b) 25,000 people
c) 20000 people
d) 260,000 people


11) When was the last time the map of Canada was changed?

a) 1867
b) 1949
c) 1901
d) 1970


12) When did the Nunavut Act pass Parliament?

a) June 1993
b) June 1994
c) June 1992
d) December1994


13) What report help design the Nunavut Government?

a) Interim report on Nunavut Government
b) Footprints in New Snow
c) Midnight Sun Recommendations
d) Our Land


14) What is the proposal to deal with criminals in the new territory of Nunavut?

a) Prison at Yellowknife
b) Sending to Alaska
c) sending them south
d) isolated camps

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: Cool Beans
Date: 07 Aug 04 - 11:41 AM

I just got back from Newfoundland. Boy, are my arms tired. And the water's c-c-c-cold.

Subject: RE: BS: Get to know Canada...please
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Aug 04 - 12:08 PM

GUEST, Obie:

You needn't apologize to the weather broadcasters for sending all the cold weather. After all, they should thank you, for providing the materials of their trade.

Dave Oesterreich