BS: Broken Hearts

Subject: BS: Broken Hearts
From: maggiethecat
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 03:26 AM

Just the other day, I came upon two catters discussing Broken Hearts. Unfortunately, the chatroom ousted us before I could find out more.

Here's my question...What breaks your heart?

And...

How do you go about mending it?

This is a serious query. My heart was recently broken by a man who didn't return my love. He is such a nice person that I can't be angry with him. In a way, that makes it a lot harder.


-maggie

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: jacqui.c
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 03:53 AM

Been there Maggie. All you can do is accept the situation and live with it. I felt like that for a number of years and didn't think that it would ever really change as I couldn't imagine meeting anyone else who would make me feel the same way.

However, I always told friends that there could come a day when I would see someone and things would change and that day did come. In fact, I'm happier, I think, with the man I now love than I ever would have been if the previous relationship had worked out.

I found that talking to friends helped to keep the hurt under control and keeping busy and involved in other things made for less time for moping about the lack of a relationship. Didn't stop the hurt altogether, just made it easier to manage.

Best of luck - I'll send good thoughts your way.

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: open mike
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 04:31 AM

the cause: infidelity and dishonesty.
still trying to discover the cure...
the patch, the mending...
but distance is a good start..
removing myself from the situation...
and I am appreciating my true friends..
and supportive people are especially important right now...
and focussing on creative endeavors....
and relying on the mud cat community..
where i almost always find caring and sharing friends
to offer a hand, an ear, a shoulder or other body part...
oops i mean...where even though life seems so serious
i can get new perspective and learn to see the bright side..
so thank you my friends...

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: kendall
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 07:12 AM

First, you must create a space before another can fill it. As long as you are living in the past with what might have been, there is no room for another. Time is the only cure.
And, while you are at it, examine yourself, and ask, "What is MY role in this"? As long as you insist on laying ALL the blame on him/her you will be stuck in the past.
We have all been victims of our own poor choices in mates, and the problem is not "Out there" anymore than the solution is "Out there"

I could easily say that my ex was a pain in the ass and impossible to live with. That is such a comfort to be able to forgive myself while laying all the blame on her, but the truth is, "I was unable to adjust to her way of thinking." See the difference?

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 07:35 AM

Time. Replacing it with someone else is not good. Time heals best. If you must substitute, get something inanimate like a useful hobby (creation out of destruction) or a pet that will love you unconditionally back (trust and responsibility for someone/thing else).

Mind you, a cardiac surgeon might be useful - it depends just how broken it is. If you still get palpitations or dizzy spells after a year, get it checked out!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 09:19 AM

Well as I said in the Hesperis thread, I've been there once or twice, but badly, just the once. It's been nearly 20 years, and I still think about her, although not all day, and every day which I did for the first four years. You learn to to live with the fact, and without the person. Of course it doesn't help to know that the breakup was mostly my own selfish fault. I hope that it has helped subsequent relationships, because it sure taught ma hard lesson.
Giok

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 09:31 AM

If you never love you can't be hurt. But love must go both ways and does, even just a little. So forgive him and yourself. It's not something we like, to admit we too have faults, but we all do. Make it part of what makes you you, learn from it, and go on, realizing that it might very well happen again and again and that each time you will grow. And try sharing the pain in music or some other creative endeavor. It'll help.

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: Ellenpoly
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 11:09 AM

I've never been sure what's harder, having a broken heart or fearing you may have caused one.

In either case, first and foremost, you must love yourself. It's what will maintain you and allow you to keep your health and sanity.

Lots of people have mentioned time, and I have to agree with that. I found that my dreams were a good indicator of how much I was getting over him. The scenarios began to change, and slowly I was no longer dreaming of seeing him or being with him. My dreams allowed me to create a different, more livable history to help heal me.

Now, it's been a decade, I no longer dream of him. The heart is no longer broken, but will always bear a small scar.

I love what Rapaire says above...think I'll re-read it!

..xx..e

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: SINSULL
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 11:10 AM

My son is a drug addict and a thief and a liar. I still love him but can't enable his lifestyle. I don't usually wallow in my grief but I never think of him without shedding a tear and wishing it could be different. Right now he is in jail again. I have been disappointed and heartbroken over this for years.

But life goes on and so do I. When AllanC visited me a few months ago he asked when was the happiest time of my life. I honestly answered - "Now". I have all that I want and need. I am happy with who I am and where I am. I have a home that feels right. If I had someone to share it with, that would be even better - maybe.

The solution to a broken heart is to go on. Time heals.

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: Amergin
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 11:32 AM

Time....we have all been there once or twice...or more...but time is the true healer...sometimes it helps to take a break from things as well..and talking to a friend...or at least some one who will listen....to bleed the pain from your heart....I wish you all the bestt of luck...

Sins...I have known many very bright good people go the route of your son...and it is always heartbreaking to watch. I commend you on your strength and gentleness...I can only hope that he'll see the light and want to change.

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 03:51 PM

Time.

Look inside yourself for your cure. As when you move into a new house and you begin by making a particular room "your own" in order to adjust to the new place, find something about yourself that you are comfortable with and build from there. And understand that it all takes time.

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: Bobert
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 04:10 PM

Well, in these days of so many folks just feelin' powerless and hopeless its great to fall in love. It demonstartes that the dreams are still there. When we quit dreaming then we might as well fold up the tents. So I say, I'm sorry that this relationship didn't work out for you but, hey, keep dreamin' and keep in mind that one door closes for a reason and it's usually another one down the road to be opened... You'll see...

Meanwhile, like others have said, time will take care of everything...

Bobert

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 04:17 PM

Ellenpoly...I have to agree with you. However, loneliness is hard to live with. Be Blessed.

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: kendall
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 07:28 PM

Being with just anybody is far worse than being alone, and it is so unfair to them.

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: Ellenpoly
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 07:41 PM

Amen to that, Kendall

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 08:14 PM

Yes. Remember that really stupid popular song of the 60s or 70s, with the lines "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with." That sounded like awfully poor advice.

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: freightdawg
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 08:55 PM

"When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been too long,
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong;
just remember, in the winter,
far beneath the bitter snows,
lies the seed that with the sun's love
in the spring, becomes the Rose"

"The Rose" Amanda McBroom

The song has been well done, over done, done too many times, and even undone. But it still has killer lyrics - I have to sing it to myself every once in a while.

Freightdawg

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: Once Famous
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 10:06 PM

Georgiansilver, you are slipping into that Be Blessed stuff again.

SRS, I suppose you like the BeeGees "How can you mend a broken heart"

I liked the CSNY song. There's a lot of truth to it.

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: Little Hawk
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 10:15 PM

Yeah, Stilly, I agree. It was a pretty dumb song if it was referring to romance (but it sounded good musically speaking). On the other hand, if it was referring to love in a more general sense, it could be downright cosmic.

I have experienced a broken heart over 2 things in my life...the loss of a lover and the loss of a good friend...on a few different occasions.

What cures it? Well, time does, yes. Forgiveness can greatly shorten the time needed, though. Realizing you are really quite okay on your own helps too. Realizing that there isn't only 1 special person out there for you also helps.

Hey, Martin...be blessed! (Heh, heh!)

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: mg
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 10:41 PM

Before you go down the garden path, make sure your partner is going down the same one. If you are too insecure to ask, assume the worst. Let your intentions be known and run like hell from abuse and scurry like a mouse if you are with a decent person but one who does not want what you want. mg

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: KT
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 11:07 PM

Wise words up there.

One more thing to ponder, Maggie....One's capacity for loving is in no way diminished by another's inability to receive it. Keep that in mind, Maggie, and keep your heart open. You WILL be okay.   

All the best to you. KT

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: Amergin
Date: 17 Aug 04 - 11:11 PM

One thing that breaks my heart is to run out of money in the pub....and to run out of beer....ok that was two things.

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: Bert
Date: 18 Aug 04 - 12:14 AM

McGrath of Harlow says you can fix things with brown paper and string

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: Sorcha
Date: 18 Aug 04 - 12:19 AM

Yes, wise words up there.....but let bygones be bygones. Ask yourself just WHY you want someone who doesn't want you......think about the Stalking aspect.....NOT that I am accusing you of Stalking....but it can so easily go from obsession to stalking.....let him go in peace and remember that there IS someone out there who wants YOU. Keep looking. Been there, done all of the above.

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: GUEST
Date: 18 Aug 04 - 12:40 AM

Yep, time...but sometimes time takes a long time (see Giok's post above). One too many times for a heart to be broken is the root cause of cynicism. There's a famous quote/line from a song/ - or something to that effect that says essentially the same thing far more eloquently than I just did. (maybe it was Jim White's "10 Miles To Go On A 9 Mile Road") see lyric about 2/3 down the page   

Basic tenet of Buddhism (?) is, the root of all suffering is desire. Eliminate desire, and you eliminate suffering. What a simple cure for most of the ills, individual and global, that plague the planet.

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 18 Aug 04 - 12:59 AM

SRS, I suppose you like the BeeGees "How can you mend a broken heart"

What leads you to that conclusion, Martin Gibson? If I didn't like one stupid song I might like another? What kind of half-assed logic is that--oh, wait, this is Martin Gibson posting. Forget it.

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: kendall
Date: 18 Aug 04 - 09:11 AM

Kate Wolf sang a song called Some kind of love, and the line that jumps out at me went:
Some kind of love tears your heart,
When you knew it was wrong from the start,
But, try and explain the moth to the flame
Some kind of love tears your heart.

and another:
Some kind of love comes too soon
And that kind of love heals your wounds
When your wounds are all healed
And you're back on your wheels
They say "That kind of love came too soon."

The most troublesome word in our languabe is: EXPECTATIONS.
If someone has let you down, maybe you were too heavy for them.

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: GUEST
Date: 18 Aug 04 - 09:14 AM

I am the cause of someones broken heart. I did nothing more than talk to this person on occasion as did many others. I went to Staleybridge for a drink once and I helped him weed his allotment. He told me that he loved me, and I said that I could only love him as a friend. (corny I know, but I didn't know what else to say) I feel odd now going to my local pub incase he's there, as he has a tendancy to pass notes to me that are sometimes ok, but usually they say something horrid . I have also heard that he is going to Whitby folk festival for the first time ever. I shall be constantly looking over my shoulder.

mudcatter who feels she might have a stalker at whitby

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: Micca
Date: 18 Aug 04 - 09:27 AM

Time and using the lessons learned and building them into your future actions as a "growth factor" and as O W Holmes put it ( and it is how I have always understood this poem)

"Build thee more stately mansions, O my soul,
As the swift seasons roll!
Leave thy low-vaulted past!
Let each new temple, nobler than the last,
Shut thee from heaven with a dome more vast,
Till thou at length art free,
Leaving thine outgrown shell by life's unresting sea!!"

"The Chambered Nautilus" is reprinted from The Complete Poetical Works of Oliver Wendell Holmes. Oliver Wendell Holmes. Boston: Houghton, Mifflin, 1895.

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: Once Famous
Date: 18 Aug 04 - 11:32 AM

Because anyone calling himself Stilly River Sage has just got be as light on their feet as one of the BeeGees.

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: maggiethecat
Date: 18 Aug 04 - 12:36 PM

Thanks so much for all your comments.

Even if they don't all apply (Kendall, you're right, I DID have expectations...but only because I wanted to believe my feelings were shared) I think everyone here has contributed something important.

Um except Martin Gibson, but I've been told not to have ANY expectations on that end.

I'm taking what seems to be the consensus and giving it time. (Ellenpoly, what you said about your dreams really hit a chord.)

Thank you again, and one thing I do believe is that there WILL be a next time.

-maggie

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: Once Famous
Date: 18 Aug 04 - 05:18 PM

I hope the sex is better next time.

better to find out right away before you get too involved and then find out you are incapable of an orgasm with him.

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 18 Aug 04 - 06:45 PM

[snort] Martin Gibson, was that good for you?

;-D

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: GUEST,One who's been there
Date: 20 Nov 04 - 09:44 AM

Time heals all wounds they say......its taken me an age to get over someone and I'm now with someone new and have been for well over a year.
But I am still fragile and some aspects of the previous relationship still crop up and I purposely waited a couple of years and was very cautious before I started anything new.
What I really want to know is.......why do thoughts of the previous one keep cropping up at odd times?? and how can I stop it spoiling what I have now?

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: freda underhill
Date: 20 Nov 04 - 09:56 AM

i did a drawing once which expressed how it felt. a woman's breasts, ripped apart, with her heart bleeding and gushing down her chest.

very therapeutic.

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: Ellenpoly
Date: 20 Nov 04 - 10:38 AM

Um, thanks for sharing, freda...

I guess I need to pull out that drawing board.

;-D

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: GUEST,One who's been there
Date: 20 Nov 04 - 10:42 AM

sounds very theraputic Freda and yes i must admit is does still feel like that sometimes
I am new to this forum but I can see that a lot of the advice you share is good

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: *Laura*
Date: 20 Nov 04 - 05:35 PM

R.E.M - Everybody Hurts.

Tho you'd probably say I was too young to know.

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: freda underhill
Date: 20 Nov 04 - 05:56 PM

i love that song, it was played at a friend's funeral.

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Nov 04 - 06:34 PM

freda, good one - I'm there now, hard to believe after all these years, but it was a great year while it lasted even though right now it's hard to get out of bed, I didn't even get the kids to school on Thursday.
Lost my darlin, the election, and my job, within 2 calendar weeks. It has NOT been good for me lately, and moving to France only solves #2...

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: mg
Date: 20 Nov 04 - 10:13 PM

I say move to France if you possibly can. The kids are still portable and there could be more opportunities there....mg

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: Bobert
Date: 20 Nov 04 - 11:24 PM

Hey, everything or everyone that you've lost in life led you to where you are today. Look at those setbacks as wins....If they weren't there you wouldn't be *here*....

And yer a lot better off...

Bobert

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: LadyJean
Date: 20 Nov 04 - 11:29 PM

I specialize in one sided romances. I have never told the object of my affection that I loved him, having learned in college that, as a woman, I am a bad joke.
But I do fall in love. And I always get over it. I loved one man so much it hurt. Now, his wife and I are good friends, and I'm just as happy I didn't marry him. He's a Republican.

Sooner or later you'll notice the hairs in his nose, or the deficits in his brain, and wonder what you ever saw in him.

The last man who decided I was the great love of his life was a nutcase, who was hoping I made enough to support him. No thank you. I'm much better off with my cats.

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: katlaughing
Date: 21 Nov 04 - 12:30 AM

having learned in college that, as a woman, I am a bad joke. That sounds like suhc a sad statement...perhaps the one who caused you to feel that way was the bad joke?!

to Guest, One who's been there: I don't think we ever forget those we've loved, no matter the manner of parting. I've been with my Rog for almost 26 yrs and there are still times when one of my exes or true love boyfriends comes to mind.

Give it time sounds so trite, but it really is true....plus don't try to force it. Our hearts and souls know not the constructs of man-made time, even though it is what helps to heal them...all in good time can be a helpful mantra.:-) And, welcome to the Mudcat!

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: SINSULL
Date: 21 Nov 04 - 11:08 AM

Lady Jean - in college you were a girl and not a woman. And no one is a "bad joke' with the possible exception of George Bush. Be kinder to yourself, lady.

For a variety of other reasons, I am much better off with my cats too. I understand where you are coming from there.

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: Davetnova
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 03:12 AM

Thanks for reviving this. I would never have seen it otherise.

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: dianavan
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 10:09 PM

I was told that in order to have an open heart, your heart must first be broken.

I know that sounds a bit callous, but I believe it might be true.

It takes alot of effort to open your heart after the pain but it can be done and its amazing at how much one heart can hold if you let it.

d

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: GUEST,one who's been there
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 08:15 AM

all very wise advice..thank you all. It is very difficult for me to open my heart completely now after past experiences and I think this is one of the main problems. But we all have baggage we drag along with us don't we?

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: Ebbie
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 12:30 PM

I have a slightly different view. When a good man you have fallen in love with, does not, cannot, return your romantic love, I think it's a given that he loves you and values you in his own way. Understand that and be grateful that he's among the good people in your life. Keep him for a friend; you'll never be sorry.

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: jacqui.c
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 07:45 PM

Amen to that Ebbie.

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: Amos
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 07:58 PM

Learning to love without a lot of conditions and expectations is not an easy path. But I think it is purifying and strengthening as little else can be, except perhaps near-death experiences.

A

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: Allan C.
Date: 24 Nov 04 - 10:20 AM

In another thread I had this to say.



Keep on loving!

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: GUEST
Date: 27 Nov 04 - 10:20 AM

very wise words allan c

Subject: RE: BS: Broken Hearts
From: GUEST,on board the Mary Celeste
Date: 10 Nov 05 - 12:28 PM

It's over a year Maggiethe cat, did time heal? or do you just stay burnt out?