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BS: Funny headlines

kendall 21 Aug 04 - 07:29 PM
GUEST 21 Aug 04 - 07:34 PM
Leadfingers 21 Aug 04 - 07:38 PM
GUEST 21 Aug 04 - 07:41 PM
Bill Hahn//\\ 21 Aug 04 - 08:24 PM
Shanghaiceltic 21 Aug 04 - 11:44 PM
kendall 22 Aug 04 - 07:05 AM
kendall 22 Aug 04 - 07:06 AM
M'Grath of Altcar 22 Aug 04 - 07:43 AM
M'Grath of Altcar 22 Aug 04 - 07:48 AM
kendall 22 Aug 04 - 02:12 PM
Georgiansilver 22 Aug 04 - 02:42 PM
kendall 22 Aug 04 - 03:07 PM
Arkie 22 Aug 04 - 03:59 PM
GUEST 22 Aug 04 - 04:05 PM
kendall 22 Aug 04 - 04:21 PM
Joe_F 22 Aug 04 - 06:18 PM
Stilly River Sage 22 Aug 04 - 06:18 PM
Georgiansilver 22 Aug 04 - 06:25 PM
kendall 22 Aug 04 - 06:31 PM
khandu 22 Aug 04 - 09:18 PM
Guy Wolff 22 Aug 04 - 10:26 PM
Cluin 22 Aug 04 - 10:34 PM
Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull 23 Aug 04 - 12:22 AM
JennyO 23 Aug 04 - 07:00 AM
Bagpuss 23 Aug 04 - 07:06 AM
kendall 23 Aug 04 - 07:54 AM
C-flat 23 Aug 04 - 08:08 AM
M'Grath of Altcar 23 Aug 04 - 09:46 AM
GUEST,Crazy Little Woman 23 Aug 04 - 12:13 PM
Cluin 23 Aug 04 - 12:41 PM
DMcG 23 Aug 04 - 01:02 PM
khandu 23 Aug 04 - 10:13 PM
Skipjack K8 24 Aug 04 - 01:23 AM
Ebbie 24 Aug 04 - 01:34 AM
Ebbie 24 Aug 04 - 01:57 AM
GUEST,weerover 24 Aug 04 - 04:45 AM
Chris Green 24 Aug 04 - 07:43 AM
kendall 24 Aug 04 - 08:51 AM
s&r 27 Aug 04 - 09:00 AM
Nerd 27 Aug 04 - 01:04 PM
Nerd 27 Aug 04 - 01:08 PM
Nerd 27 Aug 04 - 01:13 PM
Juan P-B 27 Aug 04 - 08:02 PM
The Fooles Troupe 28 Aug 04 - 12:34 AM
frogprince 28 Aug 04 - 11:04 AM
kendall 30 Aug 04 - 07:12 PM
Matt_R 31 Aug 04 - 12:45 AM
Nick 31 Aug 04 - 06:36 AM
Nigel Parsons 31 Aug 04 - 09:26 AM
Moonunit 01 Sep 04 - 05:36 AM
Rapparee 01 Sep 04 - 08:53 AM
Bill D 01 Sep 04 - 09:41 AM
Deckman 01 Sep 04 - 09:47 AM
Bert 20 Feb 05 - 03:48 PM
Don(Wyziwyg)T 20 Feb 05 - 07:57 PM
Bill D 20 Feb 05 - 08:21 PM
Amos 20 Feb 05 - 10:14 PM

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Subject: BS: Funny headlines
From: kendall
Date: 21 Aug 04 - 07:29 PM

How about getting some humor into this forum? We have all seen humorous headlines, let's share some of them. (I don't mean things like, CORDUROY PILLOWS ARE MAKING HEADLINES)

Here's one, LAWYER LOSES HORSE SUIT


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: GUEST
Date: 21 Aug 04 - 07:34 PM

This isn't a good start. I don't get that one?


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Leadfingers
Date: 21 Aug 04 - 07:38 PM

Young lady walking home from the laundry she worked in was sexually assaulted by an escaped lunatic who then ran off .- Headline in the paper was :-

NUT SCREWS WASHER AND BOLTS

   OK I'll get my coat .


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: GUEST
Date: 21 Aug 04 - 07:41 PM

Two peanuts walked into a bar....One was a salted.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Bill Hahn//\\
Date: 21 Aug 04 - 08:24 PM

Surely one cannot beat a real one from the NJ situation. I never even look at the Post or the Daily News (-pure crap)---but the headline did jump out:

HE SAYS---HE SAYS.

Bill H


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Shanghaiceltic
Date: 21 Aug 04 - 11:44 PM

Headline in the Telegraph sometime ago.

Viagara Lorry Hijacked!

The in the main story a quote that police were 'looking for hardened criminals'


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: kendall
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 07:05 AM

I'm talking about REAL headlines.Not jokes.

MYSTERIOUS HOLE APPEARS IN MIAMI STREET. AUTHORITIES ARE LOOKING INTO IT.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: kendall
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 07:06 AM

Guest, the key word is "SUIT"


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: M'Grath of Altcar
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 07:43 AM

From the Daily Sport.......

W


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: M'Grath of Altcar
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 07:48 AM

Ooops. Sorry bout previous post...

From the Daily Sport.......

WORLD WAR TWO BOMBER FOUND ON MOON.

A photograph accompanied the article. It showed a Flying Fortress type bomber.... on the moon!

Following week the headline read.....

WORLD WAR TWO BOMBER ON MOON DISAPPEARS.

This is not a joke. It really was published.

M of A

p.s. I do not buy the daily sport.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: kendall
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 02:12 PM

Ok, let's add some ads: For a motel for sale:
MOTEL FOR SALE
ALWAYS FULL, (Especially on weekends)


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 02:42 PM

True Headline from the second world war........... .........
"EIGHTH ARMY PUSH BOTTLES UP GERMANS" Amazing what one could do with bottles in those days, except that there should be a comma after Push.
Best wishes.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: kendall
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 03:07 PM

GERMAN SHEPARD DOG FOR SALE.
Will eat anything, fond of children.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Arkie
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 03:59 PM

Not a headline but it struck me as amusing. On a drive through Missouri my son and I passed a pasture with horses grazing. A sign posted next to the fence said "Eat Beef".


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: GUEST
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 04:05 PM

On a similar sign vein, in Dublin, along a very busy stretch of road, notorious for eon length traffic jams every rush hour, some caring indivudual had placed a sign in his front garden saying...

"If you lived here you'd be home by now."


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: kendall
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 04:21 PM

Sign in Stratton Maine by a general store:
IF WE AINT GOT IT, YOU DON'T NEED IT


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Joe_F
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 06:18 PM

John L. Lewis Drops Union Suit
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 06:18 PM

Sign next to a railroad crossing near Burleson, Texas:

IF IT'S A TIE, YOU LOSE.

SRS


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 06:25 PM

Hey what's with the signs....we are about headlines in newspapers!!!!
If you want signs....Last sign you see before entering the airport to fly is......TERMINAL !!!!!! and outside hospitals in the U.K there are usually signs which say " Guard Dogs Operating"... Food for thought eh???
Best wishes.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: kendall
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 06:31 PM

It's all grist for the mill, not enough actual headlines, so signs will do.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: khandu
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 09:18 PM

Actual headline in Fort Worth Star-Telegraph many years back:
"Strippers Arrested on Exposing Counts".

The proofreaders failed with this one; they let the typo slip...the "o" was missing from the last word.

K


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Guy Wolff
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 10:26 PM

My faverite over the years was the one the local paper did on a museum idea I had . It went " TRADITIONAL POTTERY INVITIONS WORKING MUSEUM " the problem was the title was so long it took up two pages and if you lost one page you got    " TRADITIOANL POTTER INVITIONS WORKING "


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Cluin
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 10:34 PM

PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO THE POPE


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 12:22 AM

from the local [hull ] paper=
"Tigers Chief In Talks"


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: JennyO
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 07:00 AM

"Boy wanted to work in aquarium - must live in"


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Bagpuss
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 07:06 AM

I always liked this one from the Sports pages. I wonder if someone made it up years ago and thought he would never actually be able to use it...

"Super Cally Go Ballistic, Celtic Are Atrocious"


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: kendall
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 07:54 AM

Khandu, that is a riot, and I'm sure it was done on purpose!

An old favorite, EARS PIERCED WHILE YOU WAIT.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: C-flat
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 08:08 AM

One I like,


"RED TAPE HOLDS UP BRIDGE"



C-flat.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: M'Grath of Altcar
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 09:46 AM

Last year my local paper published a photograph of a football team. You know the sort I mean. 6 blokes crouched on the floor. 6 blokes stood behind them, manager & trainer at each end of the line. Nothing abnormal there. However closer scrutiny of the photograph showed that one crouching footballer was erm.... revealing his manhood!

This article was published right next to the weekly angling column. The headline here ran. NEVER MIND THE SAUSAGE WHAT ABOUT THE VEGETABLES.

One poor guy lost his job. The police looked into pressing charges and the whole town roared with laughter for weeks.

M of A


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: GUEST,Crazy Little Woman
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 12:13 PM

Actual headline on the sports pages of yesterday's Kansas City Star

BORED OF THE RINGS

sums up my usual reaction to the Olympics, as well.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Cluin
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 12:41 PM

Since bad puns have been brought up...

A shaggy dog story that always blindsides `em, especially when dropped into an unrelated conversation:

You know how Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time? Well, a result, he sported an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also fasted quite often, from both idealogical and spiritual motives, which made his body rather frail, though the spirit was incredibly strong.
But when he did eat, it was often very spicy foods, vegetarian curries and the like. And this gave him bad breath, by all accounts.
So to sum up, he was a super calloused fragile mystic, hexed by halitosis.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: DMcG
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 01:02 PM

One in the UK referred to Jack Straw, an opposition member of parliament at the time, and his failure to best Micheal Howard when he was home secretary. At the time Micheal Howard was thought to be on the verge of being sacked.

The headline was:

Straw clutches at drowning man.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: khandu
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 10:13 PM

From Fort Worth Star-Telegram lost & found ads:
Lost: One Black Female with Long Ears on Valley View; Reward Offered

k


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Skipjack K8
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 01:23 AM

A true story of a headline that was never used, for obvious reasons. My brother was subbing on the Reading Evening News (UK) the day that President Sadat of Egypt was assasinated in the '70s. The banner they daren't use?

SADAT'S DAT!


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Ebbie
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 01:34 AM

I love reading tabloid headlines while waitng in the checkout line. Tonight it screamed "Saddam Hussein's Sex Change- and Your Taxes are Paying for I!

There was an accompanying photo of Saddam in a wavy blonde wig- with a thick cigar sticking out of his mouth.

You think?


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Ebbie
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 01:57 AM

Of course, not "I" but "it".


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: GUEST,weerover
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 04:45 AM

Reproduced in today's Herald (Scotland) from London's Evening Standard:
PRIVATE DENTISTS GUILTY OF RIPPING OFF PATIENTS FACE BEING STRUCK OFF

wr.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Chris Green
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 07:43 AM

Wasn't there one in the Sun back in the seventies which should have read RESCUED MAN RAPS LIFEBOAT CREW but instead read RESCUED MAN RAPES LIFEBOAT CREW! I also saw one in a local paper in Wales which read WOMAN, 86, DIES.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: kendall
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 08:51 AM

In a London office:

AFTER TEA BREAK DRAIN TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON DRAIN BOARD.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: s&r
Date: 27 Aug 04 - 09:00 AM

not a headline - a little piece of Spam that arrived today

'Hundreds of design choices!
- No VistaPrint logo on backside!
- Customisation features included!'

Stu


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Nerd
Date: 27 Aug 04 - 01:04 PM

I always liked

Tiger Woods Plays With Own Balls, Nike Says.

and

Statistics Show that Teen pregnancy drops off significantly after 25.

After Hurricane Bonnie hit Clinton, North Carolina, the local headline was:

Bonnie Blows Clinton

Another Bill Clinton related headline:

Clinton's Firmness Got Results

Or how about:

Jane Fonda to Teens: Use Head to Avoid Pregnancy.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Nerd
Date: 27 Aug 04 - 01:08 PM

From the University Daily Kansan, when a studen't father was made head coach of one of their teams:

Student Excited Dad Got Head Job.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Nerd
Date: 27 Aug 04 - 01:13 PM

And talking of typos. i once myself left the O out of County in the phrase "Camden County Girl Scouts." It was in a grant application. Thank God I caught it before I sent it out!

I once saw a menu offering Black Anus Steak. Yum!


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Juan P-B
Date: 27 Aug 04 - 08:02 PM

How about:

Plumbing fails at New Scotland Yard - Police have nothing to go on!

Or: Interpol are looking for itinerant farm worker Joseph Camilleri, the only son of an excommunicated Spanish Carmelite nun. Wanted in connection with armed bank raid in Tooting in London and looting in Haifa......... The headline: A Haifa-looting, Tooting-shooting, son-of-a-nun from Barcelona - Part-time ploughboy Joe

BFG


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 28 Aug 04 - 12:34 AM

I forget the exact details, but it goes like this ...

A local live theatre group was doing a kids matinée show. The director was a friend I had worked with on some shows and had been telling me to watch out for the ad in the paper promoting the show

"The Wizard, The Witch and The Giant Cook"

I looked in the paper the day it was supposed to be advertised, and immediately rang her up to to ask if the show was now adult rated as the bold uppercase headline of the ad read


THE WIZARD, THE WITCH AND THE GIANT COCK!

Robin


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: frogprince
Date: 28 Aug 04 - 11:04 AM

Really printed,(in a tabloid):
"SMELL OF BUM'S FEET KILLS FOUR IN SHELTER FOR HOMELESS"


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: kendall
Date: 30 Aug 04 - 07:12 PM

HORSE OWNER BRIDLES AT EVICTION


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Matt_R
Date: 31 Aug 04 - 12:45 AM

hahaha I work for the newspaper here and I write the headlines !


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Nick
Date: 31 Aug 04 - 06:36 AM

Two real ones -

Man Battered in Fish And Chip Shop

Antique Dealer Thought Girl Was Older

There is a story (probably apocryphal) that the Western Mail in Wales used to publish it's first edition without being properly proof read leading to the excellent headline 'Queen Pisses Over the Severn Bridge' amended to 'Passes' in following editions.

Not a headline as such but I did hear a commentator at the Olympics mention whilst watching the weightlifting that he was 'very particular about competitors having a clean snatch'.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 31 Aug 04 - 09:26 AM

My all time favourite was from one of the doggy papers (Our Dogs, or Dog World) following the Kennel Club's failure to give a decisive response to whether 'docking' (the cutting short of dogs tails at an early age) was acceptable, and leaving the decision to vets. The headline?

"Kennel Club fudge the docking issue!"


To this day I'm unsure whether the spoonerism was deliberate

Nigel


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Moonunit
Date: 01 Sep 04 - 05:36 AM

I've spotted this sign quite a few times whilst driving round the countryside...

FARMERS OWN SEED

...and to think they sell it by the bucket.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Sep 04 - 08:53 AM

A guy named Lear Keller got the title role, so as News Editor of my college paper I couldn't resist running the headline

Lear Plays Hamlet.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Bill D
Date: 01 Sep 04 - 09:41 AM

although it 'may' be apocyphral, one of the best of all time was the story that Aristotle Onassis was once looking for a home in Hollywood, and was shown a house that once belonged to Buster Keaton. The L.A. Times, it is said, photographed him there and published the photo with the title "Aristotle Comtemplating the Home of Buster"


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Deckman
Date: 01 Sep 04 - 09:47 AM

Years ago, in Iowa, I was stuck driving behind a livestock truck. It had a large sign on the rear that said: "OUR BACON COMES FROM HOGS THAT MADE PIGS OF THEMSELVES"! Cheers, Bob


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Bert
Date: 20 Feb 05 - 03:48 PM

Marines suspended after death. - In The Colorado Springs Gazette Telegraph today.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Don(Wyziwyg)T
Date: 20 Feb 05 - 07:57 PM

Fom a local newspaper many years ago:-

"George Green is a defective in the police force".

The following day:-

We apologise for the typing error in yesterdays article. This should have read "George Green is a detective in the police farce".

Gospel truth!

DT


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Bill D
Date: 20 Feb 05 - 08:21 PM

I just remembered a headline I cut out of the paper years ago...so long ago I don't remember the story...but maybe it's better that way..


Lesbians Turned Back En Masse at Border


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny headlines
From: Amos
Date: 20 Feb 05 - 10:14 PM

Nigel:

That spoonerism is an absolute crackup -- it could not possibly have been innocent-!! LOL


A


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