BS: Help! Bed Squeaks

Subject: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: khandu
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 10:28 PM

It's not a buzz. It's a high pitch eeeeeeee. It's like the WD40 in the can is not grabbing the springs very well no matter how hard I bare down. And it's all springs. Short strokes, long strokes. Slow pokes, fast pokes, short pokes, long pokes. I've tried more oil, less oil, new springs, different boards. I'm thinking it's a dry air thing or a rail problem. Second guess is that the bed wants to be used more than once per week. Appreciate any help. I'm thinking about sending it to a celibate. It's a good German bed that naturally favors the sedate anyway, but this is ridiculous.

k

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: Cluin
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 10:30 PM

Buy a metronome.

Hey, as long as you're squeaking, may as well finetune your rhythm.   ;)

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 10:36 PM

What a saucy post, Khandu!

WD-40 is a cleaner, not a lubricant. After you clean the springs, try a good oil to silence them. (KY or Astroglide won't work!!! Try 3-in-1 Oil.)

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: Little Hawk
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 10:47 PM

It's just maddening to be forced to engage in certain amorous activities on a squeaky bed! It's embarrassing too. Here's a solution or two:

A. Get a stereo with lots of power and giant speakers. Put it in the bedroom. When ready to "do it" put on either the William Tell Overture or some rap music, f**king LOUD!!! Go to it. No one will hear the bed squeaking, I assure you.

B. Glue all the springs together with crazy glue. They will not squeak, and they won't work either.

C. Solder them together. It's more durable than the crazy glue.


You can pay me by personal check or Paypal.

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: Amos
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 10:56 PM

Khandu:

Hell with the whole approach -- hand those old springs off to some German and get yourself one of those Swedish Tempurpedic high-density foam mattresses. You will never regret it.

A

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: Bobert
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 11:26 PM

Yo Khanny,

Sorry to hear (no pun intended) about yer little problem. Most of the time when folks get around yer age they got the opposite problem...

...but, SRS is completely correct!

WD-40 or CRC will only make the situation worser. Them stuff is like cutting oils and have no lasting positive effect but make the situation worse. Get some lithium white grease an' squirt that stuff on and it will stay there...

(Khanny asks, "But, Bobert, how will I know which spring it is that is squeakin' while I'm the source of the squeak?)

Well, good question. Now ya got two choices. Both require: you, yer lady and a trusted friend. The first is for you and yer lady to take care of business on top of the bed while yer trusted friend is under the bed with the spary can of lithium grease and the second...

...swap places with yer trusted buddy...

Best of luck to ya, pal, an' if yer lookin' fir a trusted buddy, don't call me. I ain't into them things....

Bobert

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 11:30 PM

So why is His Majesty Khing khandu so concerned about squeeky bedsprings? Afraid the Royal Dancing Tarts will hear His Majesty and Queen Cheryl doin' the Horizontal Mambo? Or is he afraid Queen Cheryl will hear the Khing playin' Hide the Salami with one of the Royal Dancing Tarts? Or is it Queen Cheryl doing the complaining? Maybe she doesn't want His Majesty to hear while she entertains the entire squadron of Royal Forkers!

God! I just love a bit of royal intrigue and scandal!

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: Bobert
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 11:47 PM

Yer gonna get it now, Beezer!

No, not that, pal...

Bobert

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: Bert
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 01:46 AM

It's 'cos it's a German bed. Germans don't do anything that will make the bed squeak.

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 03:08 AM

I'm sorry, I'm laughing too hard to be of much use... On my old bed, I removed the springs, and put 1/2 inch tongue and groove boards on as a base - no squeeks!

"tongue and groove" - ahhhhhhhhhh no!

ROFL

Robin

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: Peace
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 03:10 AM

Wish I had that problem.

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 04:09 AM

What is it with wanting to get rid of squeaks?

I'm most upset!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 05:31 AM

They want help to bed Squeaks!

Giok

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: MBSLynne
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 06:09 AM

Do it on the floor for goodness sake!!!

Love Lynne

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: Gurney
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 06:38 AM

Fixed one once by lubricating the hog-rings that attach the mesh to the frame. Vaseline/Petroleum jelly. Well, it was already in the room.
I imagine it would make a mess of the underside of the mattress, but it was an emergency.

CRC is a penetrating oil. The trouble with penetrating oils is that they keep spreading until there's nothing left where you want the lubrication, it is all over the earth.



Husband. "What are you doing under my bed?"

Strange Man. "Just oiling your hog-rings, mate. Fixing the window next."

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: kendall
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 07:58 AM

What is the humidity in that room? BEFORE you go to bed. Maybe everything is just too dry. (Well, not everything)

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: Little Hawk
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 12:46 PM

Suspend the bed from the ceiling and do it upsidedown. Bed will not squeak.

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 01:41 PM

Try sleeping in your bed.....Make use of fridges, freezers, washing machines, tables, sofas, chairs, carpeted floors, uncarpeted floors...the local park, your car....bit of variety is the spice of life eh??

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: Kim C
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 03:07 PM

Ditto what Lynne said. Make you up a pallet on the floor.

I have a platform bed. Slats, no springs. Very little squeak.

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: Don Firth
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 03:20 PM

Futon?

It's actually possible in a 1958 Volkswagen beetle, but you will sound like a squeaky bed for several days afterward.

Don't ask. . . .

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: Little Hawk
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 03:27 PM

It's possible in an elevator or a telephone booth too, but you have to be quick, generally speaking. Besides which, it's not that comfortable. Specially the phone booth.

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: Peace
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 03:32 PM

Do WHAT on the floor. I am seriously lost here. Is this a furniture thread?

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 03:58 PM

What if the floor boards squeak?

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: Don Firth
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 04:08 PM

Actually, the VW's suspension wasn't all that great either.

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: GUEST,m
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 04:21 PM

'67 Chevy. Only way to go.

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: GUEST,x
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 05:11 PM

pool table...definitely a pool table!

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: GUEST
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 06:07 PM

. . . in a firehall.

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: GUEST,Giok
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 06:07 PM

The bathroom floor at a party, with people outside screaming to get in to use the toilet.
Giok

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: GUEST,m
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 06:17 PM

You got bathrooms in Scotland? What WILL they think of next?

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: robomatic
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 06:52 PM

Play Bolero and vary your approach

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: GUEST,x again
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 06:58 PM

In a walk-in cold store refrigeration room for fresh meat. I kid you not. Surrounded by sides of beef and pork loins. We must have contravened a health by law somewhere along the line? Twenty years later and almost vegetarian. How times change.

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: GUEST,m
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 07:01 PM

"Twenty years later and almost vegetarian."

Jesus Christ, man, are you still in there? DO YOU NEED HELP?

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: GUEST,m
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 07:01 PM

Is the sheep OK?

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: bbc
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 07:02 PM

Waterbeds never squeak. Slosh sometimes, but never, never squeak. ;)

bbc

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: GUEST,x
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 07:06 PM

No sheep as such, but a couple of boxes of frozen lambs tongues to spice things up.....NO WAY.I mean they were there, but NO WAY.

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: GUEST,m
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 07:08 PM

Now, THAT'S an image.

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 07:33 PM

GUEST xagain.......Cold store, Pork loins, sounds a bit you you were making a pig of yourself. LOL.

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 08:13 PM

With all those lamb tongues, you didn't feel a bit sheepish?

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: GUEST,x again
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 08:18 PM

In spite of our surroundings the only living stimulant used, was a pot of strawberry yoghurt.
I had really hoped that I had filed this experience under P for Past.

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: kendall
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 08:21 PM

Sign on a senior citizens camper:

IF THIS RIG IS ROCKING
I'M HAVING A SIEZURE

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 10:46 PM

Ewe. . .

Waterbeds develop a tidal action that seems to counter your efforts--I don't like 'em. I'd rather have a head-banger squeaky bed than a waterbed.

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: Bill D
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 11:07 PM

exactly...waterbeds provide very little leverage, requiring creative reading of the Kama Sutra...

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: Naemanson
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 11:40 PM

I had a squeaky bed until last Monday. After the fire I had to throw it out and buy a new one. No more squeaks... And no more house!

Probably not a good solution.

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: MBSLynne
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 02:51 AM

Tombstones don't squeak....

Love Lynne

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: Skipjack K8
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 03:19 AM

Khandu, are you sure it's German? Bed manufacturers in Mittenvald have been known to stick labels under the mattress provenancing the truckle as made in Cremona, where the very Stradivarius of night furniture have long been manufactured. Chances are that you could have a genuine Amati Bed Company classic on your hands, which is old enough to have springs that have rusted from the steam of night soil convecting from the carpet vase. I can't believe that you are still using such a valuable asset for its original purpose. You can play on a cheap Chinese bed and still get squeaks. I understand it's all in the wrist.

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: Gurney
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 06:50 AM

Love takes many forms.


Ever had it on a form?


You get splinters in the inside of your wrists.


And they stop bowling and come and watch, you know.



(Quote from a Mike Harding TV show.)

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: bbc
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 05:05 PM

Au contraire, in my experience. Waterbeds provided comfortable support for a heavier partner &, as an added benefit, allowed me to sleep on my stomach till I was 8 months pregnant! Also nice that they are warm in the winter.

bbc

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: Little Hawk
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 07:57 PM

Unless the electricity fails. Then they suck all the heat out of your body.

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: GUEST,Stilly River Sage
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 09:15 PM

BBC, you're out beyond us. This discussion isn't about the comfort of sleeping ON the bed AFTER the fact. This is about what to do about the squeak when it happens and the types of beds that inhibit or enable the energetic activity that causes the squeak in the first place!

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: GUEST,bed expert
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 09:16 PM

if none of these excellent suggestions work, you are going to have to change your name from KAHNDU to KHANTDO!!!