BS: Help! Bed Squeaks

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: Bert
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 01:46 AM

It's 'cos it's a German bed. Germans don't do anything that will make the bed squeak.

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: Bobert
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 11:47 PM

Yer gonna get it now, Beezer!

No, not that, pal...

Bobert

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 11:30 PM

So why is His Majesty Khing khandu so concerned about squeeky bedsprings? Afraid the Royal Dancing Tarts will hear His Majesty and Queen Cheryl doin' the Horizontal Mambo? Or is he afraid Queen Cheryl will hear the Khing playin' Hide the Salami with one of the Royal Dancing Tarts? Or is it Queen Cheryl doing the complaining? Maybe she doesn't want His Majesty to hear while she entertains the entire squadron of Royal Forkers!

God! I just love a bit of royal intrigue and scandal!

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: Bobert
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 11:26 PM

Yo Khanny,

Sorry to hear (no pun intended) about yer little problem. Most of the time when folks get around yer age they got the opposite problem...

...but, SRS is completely correct!

WD-40 or CRC will only make the situation worser. Them stuff is like cutting oils and have no lasting positive effect but make the situation worse. Get some lithium white grease an' squirt that stuff on and it will stay there...

(Khanny asks, "But, Bobert, how will I know which spring it is that is squeakin' while I'm the source of the squeak?)

Well, good question. Now ya got two choices. Both require: you, yer lady and a trusted friend. The first is for you and yer lady to take care of business on top of the bed while yer trusted friend is under the bed with the spary can of lithium grease and the second...

...swap places with yer trusted buddy...

Best of luck to ya, pal, an' if yer lookin' fir a trusted buddy, don't call me. I ain't into them things....

Bobert

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: Amos
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 10:56 PM

Khandu:

Hell with the whole approach -- hand those old springs off to some German and get yourself one of those Swedish Tempurpedic high-density foam mattresses. You will never regret it.

A

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: Little Hawk
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 10:47 PM

It's just maddening to be forced to engage in certain amorous activities on a squeaky bed! It's embarrassing too. Here's a solution or two:

A. Get a stereo with lots of power and giant speakers. Put it in the bedroom. When ready to "do it" put on either the William Tell Overture or some rap music, f**king LOUD!!! Go to it. No one will hear the bed squeaking, I assure you.

B. Glue all the springs together with crazy glue. They will not squeak, and they won't work either.

C. Solder them together. It's more durable than the crazy glue.


You can pay me by personal check or Paypal.

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 10:36 PM

What a saucy post, Khandu!

WD-40 is a cleaner, not a lubricant. After you clean the springs, try a good oil to silence them. (KY or Astroglide won't work!!! Try 3-in-1 Oil.)

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: Cluin
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 10:30 PM

Buy a metronome.

Hey, as long as you're squeaking, may as well finetune your rhythm.   ;)

Subject: BS: Help! Bed Squeaks
From: khandu
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 10:28 PM

It's not a buzz. It's a high pitch eeeeeeee. It's like the WD40 in the can is not grabbing the springs very well no matter how hard I bare down. And it's all springs. Short strokes, long strokes. Slow pokes, fast pokes, short pokes, long pokes. I've tried more oil, less oil, new springs, different boards. I'm thinking it's a dry air thing or a rail problem. Second guess is that the bed wants to be used more than once per week. Appreciate any help. I'm thinking about sending it to a celibate. It's a good German bed that naturally favors the sedate anyway, but this is ridiculous.

k