BS: it's about as much use as.......

Subject: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: grumpy al
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 02:03 PM

so lets see who has the funniest most unusual "it's about as much use as" lines. Hers a few to get you going.

mudflaps on a spaceship

chocolate fireguard

ash tray on a motorbike

tits on a goldfish

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: GUEST
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 02:06 PM

a woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: Leadfingers
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 02:14 PM

Do you want things like 'Welcome as a fart in a spacesuit' as well ??

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 02:14 PM

a chocolate teapot

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: GUEST
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 02:16 PM

"As useful as a one-legged man at an arse-kicking competion."

Or "As exciting as a MISTER Wet Tee-Shirt Competition."

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 02:20 PM

Tits on a bull.
Geoge W Bush at a peace conference.


Giok

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: grumpy al
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 02:21 PM

thanks Leadfingers all ideas welcome

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: greg stephens
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 02:21 PM

......a wet fart in a thunderstorm.
....a folk session in one of the repellent pubs and clubs that have taken over the centre of Newcatle-under-Lyme in order to sell coloured vodka to children.

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 02:27 PM

It's about as much use as an extra p.... on a honeymoon.
"   "    "   "   "    " wings on a pig.
"   "    "   "   "    " bull in a china shop
"   "    "   "   "    " some of the bigots on mudcat
Best wishes.

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 02:31 PM

Rubber strings on a guitar

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 02:33 PM

An arsehole on a turd!

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: grumpy al
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 02:36 PM

hi Geogiansilver Bigots on mudcat I can't think what you mean ho ho ho

keep the ideas coming

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 02:37 PM

ROFLOL

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: Once Famous
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 02:48 PM

A Herman Munster mask on John Kerry.

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 03:02 PM

Martin, you actually made me laugh....Best wishes, Mike.

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 03:15 PM

Greg-there's a few of them pubs in Hull now, it can be fun at closing time seeing pissed up youths fighting or more often threatening to fight with each other, just last week I saw 2 youths kids in tracksuits stood about 10 feet apart shouting at each other "Come on then!, "no, you come on then!",
"come over here and say that"
"no, you come over here, and say it"
etc,etc.

then usually one of their girlfrends will shout=
"leave it Wayne, he's not werth it"!

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 03:16 PM

"Useless as tits on a boar hog" is one I've actually heard.

"Ain't worth a hoot in a whirlwind" is one my father used a lot. I think "hoot" here is a euphemism for "fart."

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: GUEST,Diogenes
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 03:28 PM

....Martin Gibson.

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: Once Famous
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 03:37 PM

it's about as much use as guest, Diogenes' syphilis.

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 03:38 PM

Now GUEST Diogenes..your post reflects a sort of niaivety unobserved for some while...Martin Gibson...where he may annoy some...disturb some...play with some.....is not useless....He gets more attention than you do!!!!
Best wishes.

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: grumpy al
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 03:41 PM

OOOOOH!! Geogiansilver put the claws away.

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 03:43 PM

It's a clause....claws...in my contract...LOL

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: grumpy al
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 03:45 PM

LOL

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: Once Famous
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 03:50 PM

Stay cool, G-silver guy.

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: Helen
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 03:50 PM

................ a pocket in a pair of underpants

and I found these in a search on the net:

As much use as a trap door on a lifeboat
As useful as a grave robber in a crematorium
As much use as a lead parachute

Helen

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: grumpy al
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 03:51 PM

LOL

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: GUEST
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 04:00 PM

About as much use as:
       Trying to explain music to Martin Gibson.
       Trying to explain anything rational to Martin Gibson.
       A dick on Martin Gibson.

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 04:01 PM

Always the GUEST who knocks Martin Gibson....reveal yourself GUEST....

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: grumpy al
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 04:02 PM

Now Now Guest that is getting much to personal. This is meant to be a bit of fun

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: Once Famous
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 04:04 PM

He or she won't.

But I don't care. I figure they just don't want anyone to know that they gargle with pee-pee.

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: Once Famous
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 04:06 PM

grump al, this particular Guest is so hung up on everything that they don't realize how obvious they are to me.

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 04:09 PM

Or perhaps even to others who recognise their style.

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: grumpy al
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 04:09 PM

nice to know you dont take it seriously
all the best Al

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: GUEST
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 05:32 PM

the "tits on (insert random animal)" seems a common one. Tits on fish is the one I know.

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: skipy
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 05:52 PM

a lesbian without a tongue.
Skipy (just made that up!)

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: Once Famous
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 05:53 PM

Let me ask, does the tits thing matter if they have brown or pink nipples?

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 05:56 PM

I would like to think I could keep abreast of whatever!

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: Juan P-B
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 06:28 PM

Oi! I've only bin away two weeks and everybody's picking on Martine Gibson - STOP IT!

Everyone is entitled to their opinion and.......

Oh Hello Nurse! Time for my medication already?

Thank you Nurse

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: frogprince
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 07:35 PM

padding in a coffin...
snot on a necktie...

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 08:11 PM

...a bicycle to an amputee.
...blanks in a firefight.
...another iceberg to the Titanic.
...a clumsy mohel.

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: Alba
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 08:40 PM

.....Eyeglasses for the earless
.....a Condom with a rip
.....Contraception after Menopause
.....a rubber dart
.....a chocolate Trumpet
.....The Christmas present I bought a Relative last year...(she hated it... and now I have it back under the bed cause I don't like it either:>)
Blessings
Jude

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 08:47 PM

A wart.

A sundial at midnight.

Playground insults among adults.

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: Ebbie
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 09:31 PM

Segue here... Many -if not all - male mammals have teats. When my daughter was 8 years old we got a male puppy. I was in the other room when she called me. Mom, she said, Rennie's got a tick! I said, OK, I'll be there in a minute. She said, Here's another one. He's got two! I said, OK, OK, just a minute. She said, Here's another one! I said, Kelly, are they in a row? She said, Yes...?

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: Once Famous
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 09:34 PM

Ebbie, you think about male teats all you want.

I'll think about Pamela Anderson.

then again, I have seen some fat guys who could use a bra.

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: Ebbie
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 12:41 AM

There are exceptions, I grant you, MG. You, for instance. You gotta be normal.

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: GUEST
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 06:24 AM

As welcome as a fart in a space-suit
As welcome as a pork-chop at a Bar Mitzvah

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: GUEST,Sooz (at work)
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 08:32 AM

.. an anonymous guest?

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: GUEST
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 08:51 AM

46 posts already and no one has said

Screen door on a submarine

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: skipy
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 06:39 PM

Screen door on a submarine

Skipy

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: frogprince
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 06:46 PM

Forgive me if this is being too serious:

Nuclear weaponry in a sane world.

Clothes to go swimming in.

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 07:13 PM

A 34b on Dolly Parton!

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: GUEST
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 07:21 PM

Porch on a Submarine is one I've heard in use

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: frogprince
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 07:23 PM

LOL Georgian.

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 08:17 PM

A pair of boots are for a snake.

A parachute for a parrot.

A hairbrush for a hedgehog.

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: Cruiser
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 09:03 PM

"Worthless as teats on a boar hog"

A gilt that is the daughter of a boar possessing few, misplaced, or malformed teats is genetically predisposed to the same undesirable characteristic. Hog breeders will keep gilts with at least 12 well-placed teats and will not keep others as brood sows for farrowing.

So, teats on a boar and the sow are important in brood stock.

Cruiser

Oh, to the question at hand: about as much use as a milk bucket under a bull's prepuce (unless that is all you have and need semen for artificial insemination, but I will leave THAT chore to other "handymen" and I'll handle the milking of the cows).

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 09:06 PM

True enough, quite a lot of these "useless" things can be quite useful.

For example, if you have a load of fish to carry about, a bicycle can be quite a handy thing to use.

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: GUEST,Diogenes
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 09:40 PM

Georgiansilver, if I wanted attention, I wouldn't live in a tub in the middle of the desert.

But on second thought, I guess Martin Gibson is not completely useless. Anyone who can fart the entire Bach "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor" is really quite accomplished.

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: kendall
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 11:00 PM

A pig skin Koran

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 11:05 PM

... as a loose prick in a brothel...

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: Bert
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 11:11 PM

A lady with a Navvy's pick. (I said PICK)

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: Cluin
Date: 13 Nov 04 - 12:24 AM

"...tits on a nun" we always said.

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: dianavan
Date: 14 Nov 04 - 02:38 AM

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: dianavan
Date: 14 Nov 04 - 02:40 AM

hit the button by mistake now I have to think of something...

...... I'm baffled.

a pen without ink?

d

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: Hrothgar
Date: 14 Nov 04 - 04:16 AM

...a hatful of spare armpits...

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 14 Nov 04 - 04:22 AM

Or hair under Julia Roberts armpits??
Not sure why that caused such a storm in the press...I like hair... women with hair...why not?
Best wishes.

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: YorkshireYankee
Date: 15 Nov 04 - 12:43 AM

...leaves on a railroad track.
...good taste in a Turner prize winner.
As welcome as... your lover's ice cold feet in a toasty warm bed.

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 15 Nov 04 - 04:26 AM

A guitar with no strings!
A G-string on a wash board!
A drumstick without a drum!
A one armed window cleaner!
A pig with wings!
A computer without a keyboard!
A dog with a keyboard!
(Don't ask where the inspiration came from for the last two)
Best wishes.

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: C-flat
Date: 15 Nov 04 - 07:38 AM

....a rubber ladder.
....an elastic toilet chain.

Both of these gems were directed at me by my school rugby coach.


C-flat.

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: GUEST
Date: 15 Nov 04 - 08:13 AM

...Hellen Keller with a microphone.

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: GUEST
Date: 15 Nov 04 - 08:16 AM

...Stevie Wonder with a pair of binoculars.

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: GUEST,Frug
Date: 15 Nov 04 - 08:35 AM

Pork Pie at a Barmitzvah ??

Frank

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: Don Firth
Date: 15 Nov 04 - 08:45 PM

dianavan, even worse than a pen with no ink is ink with no pen around it!

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: GUEST,Chief Chaos
Date: 16 Nov 04 - 11:51 AM

A bishop in a brothel

A priest doing marriage counseling

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: George Papavgeris
Date: 16 Nov 04 - 12:39 PM

"Flies" for a spacesuit.
Damp firecracker on 4th July.
A side of bacon at a Bar Mitsvah
Warm clothes in Hell.

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: GUEST
Date: 16 Nov 04 - 05:18 PM

a bottle of crisps
a pocket in a shift ( this last one from my late granny who would have worn such an old fashioned undergarment...)

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: YorkshireYankee
Date: 16 Nov 04 - 05:55 PM

...glass hammer (a popular British saying)
... Microsoft tech support
And here's a Yorkshire favourite:"Daft as a brush wi'out handle."

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: GUEST,Chief Chaos
Date: 17 Nov 04 - 12:26 PM

Yorkshire Yankee - your post reminds me of what I considered about the greatest waste of taxpayer money.
Former VP Al Gore had an award called the Hammer Award given out to those individuals and agencies who made an impact on easing the public burden through tax savings, efficiency upgrades etc.

The award was a standard store bought hammer (which they probably payed $200.00 for) mounted slanted against a blue velvet mat in a gold frame (which I would estimate to have cost approx. $70.00 apiece)
What good is it giving me a hammer that I can't use?

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: wysiwyg
Date: 17 Nov 04 - 01:15 PM

Tits on a boar hog.

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: Chris Green
Date: 17 Nov 04 - 01:16 PM

The "s" in "lisp."

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: George Papavgeris
Date: 17 Nov 04 - 01:47 PM

Viagra for a eunuch?
A Dutch cap for Sunday church?

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: GUEST,Tony
Date: 17 Nov 04 - 10:29 PM

Hip pocket in a singlet is a common one in Australia as is Tits on a Bull.

Slight thread creep in honour of one of my work colleagues:

Couldn't organise ... a piss-up in a brewery, .. a f*ck in a brothel

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: YorkshireYankee
Date: 18 Nov 04 - 10:10 PM

Couldn't hit the broad side of a barn.
Couldn't organise a Ladies' night out in a chocolate factory. (That one courtesy of my other half!)

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: The Beast of Farlington
Date: 19 Nov 04 - 11:57 AM

...something that is no use whatsoever

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: GUEST,Chief Chaos
Date: 19 Nov 04 - 03:32 PM

1 square of toilet paper?

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: mack/misophist
Date: 19 Nov 04 - 08:23 PM

a few I've heard used are:

feathers on a catfish
a boar hog in sunday school
trying to herd cats/snakes

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: Cluin
Date: 20 Nov 04 - 11:04 AM

...a drunken wing man.


And thereby hangs a sordid tale

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: Strollin' Johnny
Date: 20 Nov 04 - 05:42 PM

....a candy-floss door-knocker
....a chocolate teapot
....a w**k in a brothel

others of a similar ilk:-

It's like trying to knit fog
...........trying to plait shit

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: wysiwyg
Date: 20 Nov 04 - 10:39 PM

it's about as much use as....... / Popular Views of the Bush Administration

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: GUEST,Rob
Date: 09 Dec 04 - 10:07 AM

... an ashtray on a motorbike.

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: Ebbie
Date: 09 Dec 04 - 02:13 PM

Chief Chaos, you surprise me. I thought you paid more attention to accuracy than that.

"The Award is the Vice President's answer to yesterday's government and its $400 hammer. Fittingly, the award consists of a $6.00 hammer, a ribbon, and a note from Vice President Gore, all in an aluminum frame. More than 1,200 Hammer Awards have been presented to teams comprised of federal employees, state and local employees, and citizens who are working to build a better government. "

More Info

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: Ebbie
Date: 09 Dec 04 - 03:19 PM

Drat.

Try Again

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: michaelr
Date: 10 Dec 04 - 03:26 PM

...varicose veins on a peg leg.

Subject: RE: BS: it's about as much use as.......
From: HuwG
Date: 10 Dec 04 - 04:55 PM

Common insults in the UK Armed forces:

"As much use as a rubber crutch"
"As much use as a concrete cushion"

One of mine:

"Useful as a haemorrhoid transplant"


I believe that Georgiansilver said, "... a computer without a keyboard". Quite apt. Try booting a PC without a keyboard, and it will often say, "Keyboard error. No keyboard detected. Press F1 [or any key] to resume"