BS: First Joke Thread for 2005

Subject: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 31 Dec 04 - 09:05 AM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

---

The First Joke is that I'm ahead of the rest of you!

Prev thread

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 31 Dec 04 - 09:39 AM

Could you gibe me a lift?

Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 31 Dec 04 - 09:45 AM

A reporter asked Noel Coward to " say something amusing "
He replied " Australia "

eric

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Flash Company
Date: 31 Dec 04 - 09:56 AM

He also said 'I come to Bury St Edmunds, not to praise him!'

FC

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 31 Dec 04 - 10:13 AM

"Some Really Good Questions"

1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?'

4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice?" How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?

9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

14. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it? And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving!

16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Dharmabum
Date: 31 Dec 04 - 03:02 PM

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Channel No. 5, $200 an ounce."

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, farts, then says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound."

D.B

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: MudGuard
Date: 31 Dec 04 - 05:50 PM

2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath
you use the bubbles are always white?

layer thickness, light reflection within the bubbles and so on ...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Bobert
Date: 31 Dec 04 - 05:55 PM

Why did Bush cross the road?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: MudGuard
Date: 31 Dec 04 - 06:43 PM

Because the Americans elected him again (joke intended)?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 01 Jan 05 - 06:48 PM

I went to a seafood disco on New Years Eve and pulled a mussel.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Peace
Date: 02 Jan 05 - 01:11 PM

You are so fulla beans. Stayed home an pulled a muscle is more like it.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,wings
Date: 02 Jan 05 - 04:21 PM

Ah...humans, so entertaining.

"Man is the only creature where if you tell them that there are billions of stars in the sky he will believe you, but if you tell him a bench is wet with paint, he has to touch it to be sure."

Unknown

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Jan 05 - 04:23 PM

GUEST, Wings:

I don't know for sure, but that sure sounds like Mark Twain's style!

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Jan 05 - 05:59 PM

"His & Hers New Year's Resolutions & Goals"

The Basic Difference: His (Y) / Hers (X)

X: Lose weight / Go on a diet / Drink more water
Y: One case beer per weekend (unless having guys over or Superbowl weekend)

X: ONLY one chocolate bar per week
Y: ONLY three nights at topless bar per week

X: Workout - Jog/Step Bench 5 times week
Y: Move furniture to find lost little black book and bedroom TV remote

X: Subscribe to Shape/Fitness Magazine
Y: Call 1-800 number to get on Victoria's Secret catalog mailing list

X: Go on romantic second date with Bob/Accounting
Y: Score on second date with Suzy/Marketing

X: Get organized/clean house
Y: Give old Penthouse mags to Goodwill (or younger brother)

X: Buy new Daily Planner
Y: Buy new little Black Book if no luck under furniture

X: Find out name of tall good-looking guy in Finance
Y: Score with tall, long-legged Blonde in Finance

X: Read More / Less TV
Y: Buy Dish - More sports channels!!

X: Watch quality TV with positive messages
Y: When surfing DO NOT stop on "Allie McBeal" -EVER

X: Plan budget / Save more money
Y: Only three nights at topless bar per week

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 02 Jan 05 - 07:40 PM

--Knock, knock.
--Who's there?
--Control Freak. Now you say, "Control Freak who?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: susu
Date: 02 Jan 05 - 08:17 PM

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past, looks up, and says to the monkey, "Hey, what're you doing?"

The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint. Come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a few joints.

After a while the lizard says he is parched and he's going to get a drink from the river.

The lizard is so stoned that he leans over too far and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up a tree with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned, and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and wanders into the jungle. He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint.

The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says "Hey!"

The monkey looks down and says, "Daaaaaaaaaaamn...How much water did you drink?!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Jan 05 - 07:41 PM

"A letter to the Tide Company"

Dear Tide:

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have!
I've used it since the beginning of my married life,
when my Mom told me it was the best.

Now that I am older and going through menopause,
I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled
some red wine on my new white blouse. My unfeeling
and uncaring husband started to berate me about how
clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in
the neck. One thing led to another and I ended up with
a lot of his blood on my white blouse.

I tried to get the stain out by using a bargain detergent,
but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the
supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with
bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction,
all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out
so well, that when the detectives came by yesterday,
they told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative
and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer
be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my
husband. What a relief!

I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.
Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people...

(Signed)
A Relieved Menopausal Wife

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 03 Jan 05 - 07:59 PM

A fellow who worked for the Post Office had the job of processing all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to "God."

He thought, "Oh boy, I'd better open this one and see what it's all about." So he opened it and read:

"Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100.00 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?"

The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all his coworkers. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96.00, which they put into an envelope and sent to the widow.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt the warm glow of the kind thing they had done.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

"Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: tarheel
Date: 03 Jan 05 - 11:49 PM

old timer explaining his feelings about his age!
i feel like a new born baby!!!!
no teeth,no hair and i think i just peed in my britches!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Shanghaiceltic
Date: 04 Jan 05 - 12:45 AM

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night.

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: susu
Date: 04 Jan 05 - 09:44 AM

A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up. The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular activity and recommended that she engage in sexual activity three times a week. A bit embarrassed she said to the doctor, "Please tell my husband."

The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week.

The 78-year-old husband replied, "Which days?"

The doctor answered, "Monday, Tuesday, and Friday would be ideal."

The husband said, "I can bring her on Monday, but on Tuesdays and Friday I golf, so she'll have to take the bus."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: susu
Date: 04 Jan 05 - 09:46 AM

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its little nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: susu
Date: 04 Jan 05 - 09:57 AM

Why did the Chicken cross the road?

JOHN KERRY
The chicken intentionally mislead us into letting it cross the road.
I actually did vote for the chicken to cross the road, before I voted
against it. The chicken should have given the UN more time to inspect
the other side of the road before pre-emptively crossing it. I will
make sure that the chicken does not have to bear the full burden of
this unwarranted road crossing alone by enlisting the help of other
chickens like France and Germany.



GEORGE W BUSH
It does not matter why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road. The chicken is either
for us, or against us. Evildoer chickens will be hunted down on both
sides of the road and anyone found harboring these chickens would be
plucked.


DAN RATHER
An undisclosed but reliable capon has given me unverifiable documents
that prove that the chicken got preferential treatment and was
allowed to cross the road to avoid crossing the highway, and that the
chicken went AWOL and did not satisfactorily complete its road
crossing. While I don't know which side of the road these documents
came from and agree they are probably chicken scratch, I still
believe the information in them is true and you should trust me
because I'm Dan Rather and you're not.

HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet
been given access to the other side of the road.

RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on this side of the road has been polluted by
unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled
habitat on the other side of the road because the wheels of a
gas-guzzling SUV crushed it.

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was
getting a government grant to do it. I'll bet some chicken-hugging
liberal out there is already forming a support group to help chickens
with crossing-the-road syndrome and wants taxpayers to foot the bill.

MARTHA STEWART
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.

DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die in the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody
told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its
life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in
peace.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.

CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the
road reveals your underlying insecurity and attraction to poultry.

BILL GATES
I have just witnessed eChicken2005, which will not only cross roads,
but also will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance
your checkbook. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath
the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. The answer depends on
your definition of chicken.

HILLARY CLINTON
Even though I am the smartest woman in the world and know all there
is to know about everything, I do not know anything about any chicken
including the one allegedly found in my residence.

AL GORE
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Nick
Date: 04 Jan 05 - 10:09 AM

"We call our grandfather Spiderman"
"Is he very active and agile then?"
"No, it's because he can't get out of the bath"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Jan 05 - 04:06 PM

So, Jerry, how's your music career going?
   
Great, it's on the skids.

You're happy about that?

You bet! This time last month, it was down the toilet.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Bill D
Date: 05 Jan 05 - 04:38 PM

A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Quite curious about this, he notices a hole in the fence, and looks in.

Someone inside pokes him in the eye.

Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen!
Fourteen!"
---------------------------------------------------------

A man is feeling very ill, goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed
to hospital to undergo tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private
room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.

"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've
found you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H. It's a combination of
gonareah, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes!"

"My gosh, doctor! What are you going to do?"

"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."

"Will that cure me?"

"Well no, but it's the only food we can get under the door."

-------------------------------------------------------------

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular
basis. After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you." she said
politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping
myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult." the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Bill D
Date: 05 Jan 05 - 05:24 PM

for brucie:

"The farmer finally made it big and decided to build a fine new house on the
old family homestead. When the architect was plotting out the building site,
the farmer told him, "Now, I don't want you disturbing that tree over there."

"Really?" asked the architect, "Why not?"

The farmer smiled shyly, "Well, because it was right under that there tree
that I had my first experience with sex."

"How sentimental," said the architect.

"And don't disturb that tree over there, either," the farmer went on.

"Really?" asked the architect again. "Why not?"

"Because that's where her mother stood watching us."

"She watched?" cried the incredulous architect. "What did her mother say?"

"Baaaaaa!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Peace
Date: 05 Jan 05 - 05:27 PM

LOL

Never heard it told so well, Bill. Good on yer.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Bill D
Date: 05 Jan 05 - 06:37 PM

It's a crazy world....
Quote from Chris Rock:
"You know the world is going crazy when
the best rapper is a white guy,
the best golfer is a black guy,
and the tallest guy n the NBA is Chinese.
The Swiss hold the America's Cup,
France is accusing the US of arrogance,
Germany doesn't want to go to war,
and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Bill D
Date: 05 Jan 05 - 06:56 PM

Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules.
Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.
Theology is a game whose object is to bring rules into the subjective.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Biskit
Date: 05 Jan 05 - 08:17 PM

Bubba and BillyjoeBob were down to the fishin' cabin drinkin' beer, Bubba leans over and says hey BillyjoeBob, If'n I was to sneak over to your house when you was outta town and make love to your wife and she got pregnant, when she had that young'n would thet make us kin? BillyjoeBob thinks about it for a little bit and says; no Bubba,..but it'd dang sure make us even....

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Jan 05 - 08:35 PM

Modern Housewife's Poem:

I don't wanna do the dishes,
I don't wanna do the wash,
I sprinkled clothes a week ago
And now my iron is lost!


I don't wanna clean the pots,
I don't wanna rattle pans,
I wanna read my e-mail,
And chat with all my friends!


The table needs some dusting
and the floor could sure be mopped,
But I know if I get started
There'll be no place to stop.


The closets are so full
Things are falling off the shelves,
I wish for cleaning fairies
And magic laundry elves!


They could sprinkle fairy dust
And twitch their little nose,
And the windows would be sparkling
And I'd have no dirty clothes.


I don't know what I'm saying,
My head is in the sky,
I must cook that meat that's graying
And bake that apple pie!


My husband needs a flea bath,
The dogs need some attention
Oh, the other way around I mean!
My brain is in suspension!


I am running round in circles,
I am getting nothing done,
I keep thinking of the internet,
I'm missing all the fun!


I know I'm not addicted
Though I hear that all the time.
But I guess this stuff will have to wait,
'Cause today I'll be ONLINE!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: susu
Date: 06 Jan 05 - 12:17 AM

25 SIGNS THAT, SADLY, YOU'VE GROWN UP: >
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer"pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25.You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save Your sorry old ass.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: susu
Date: 06 Jan 05 - 12:20 AM

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000
yen and walked out with $72.

The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen and was handed $66.
He asked the teller why he got less money than he had gotten the previous week.

The lady answers, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, he
turned around and said "Fluc you Amelicans too!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Cluin
Date: 06 Jan 05 - 01:08 AM

I planted some birdseed.

A bird came up.

So what do I feed it?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST
Date: 06 Jan 05 - 12:29 PM

This ugly lady (and she was UGLY) went to see her physician (who was Chinese) to determine why she was so ugly and if there was anything she could do about it. The doctor said,"Undress, get down on froor, crawl to door, turn around and crawl back."

Puzzled, but willing to try anything, she complied. When she had crawled back, the doctor said, "You dress now. I know what probrem is. Afraid nothing can be done for you. You have Zachary disease."

"What on earth is THAT?!" she asked. The doctor said, simply, "Face rook zachary rike ass! Ha-ha-Ha-Ha!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: JennyO
Date: 06 Jan 05 - 09:04 PM

An oldie but a goodie!

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale" He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says -

"Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government. So, I told the CIA about my gift. In no time at all, they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that s.h.i.t."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: belter
Date: 07 Jan 05 - 05:46 PM

An Engineer is waring a knit kneck tie. He pulls on the tie and says "Poisson's ratio"


















If you don't get it, Poisson's ratio n is the ratio of transverse contraction strain to longitudinal extension strain in the direction of stretching force. Tensile deformation is considered positive and compressive deformation is considered negative. The definition of Poisson's ratio contains a minus sign so that normal materials have a positive ratio. n = - etrans / elongitudinal


If you still don't get it, your normal. Otherwise your a geek.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: freda underhill
Date: 07 Jan 05 - 09:33 PM

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale" He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government. So, I told the CIA about my gift. In no time at all, they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that s.h.i.t."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 07 Jan 05 - 11:44 PM

QUOTE An Engineer is waring a knit kneck tie. He pulls on the tie and says "Poisson's ratio" UNQUOTE

Now I'm worried....

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: JennyO
Date: 08 Jan 05 - 12:11 PM

Freda, you read Billy's Merry Muse newsletter too....

(have a look at my post two above yours)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Cluin
Date: 08 Jan 05 - 12:47 PM

(This didn't happen to me; I just received it in e-mail)

Motto: Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die...

My Aunt died this past January. CitiBank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge (the balance had originally been $0.00 and now was somewhere around $60.00).

I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:

Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections"

CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau. Maybe both!"

Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

CitiBank:"...excuse me?..."

Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being dead?"

CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

(Supervisor gets on the phone)

Me: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

CitiBank: ".....(stammer).... "Are you her lawyer?"

Me: "No, I'm her nephew." (followed by lawyer info given)

CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me: "Sure." (fax number exchanged)

(after they get the fax)

CitiBank: "Our system just isn't set up for death"

Me: "Oh."

CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help."

Me: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her...I suppose... I don't really think she will care...."

CitiBank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Me: "Would you like her new billing address?"

CitiBank: "That might help."

(Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and plot number given)

CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Me: "Yep. What do you do with dead people on your planet?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Mrrzy
Date: 08 Jan 05 - 09:11 PM

LOL! I can believe it!

So, who's gonna walk into the bar first?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: HuwG
Date: 11 Jan 05 - 02:31 AM

An english tourist is driving around Scotland. He is lost, and stops the car at the first pub he sees and walks in. He says to the publican, "I say, Jock ! What's the quickest way to get to Edinburgh ?"

The landlord pauses in the act of cleaning a glass and says, "Are you driving or walking ?"

"I'm driving, of course !"

"Aye, well that's the quickest way, right enough."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Folkiedave
Date: 11 Jan 05 - 05:29 PM

Knock Knock Joke in French.

Frappe frappe.

Qui est la?

Lors

Lors Qui?

Oui, c'est vrai!


Dave

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 12 Jan 05 - 09:15 PM

A man who was called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

The Rabbi replied, "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Paranoid Android
Date: 13 Jan 05 - 12:09 PM

(I probably picked this one up from Mudcat)
Father Murphy, a missionary, was the only white man within a thousand
miles of Ambungu when the chief's daughter gave birth to a white baby.
The medicine man accused Father Murphy of misbehavior but was told "Don't jump to conclusions, it's simply a genetic abberation".
When the medicine man failed to understand this Father Murphy took him up the hill and pointed towards a herd of sheep below saying, "Look at all of those white sheep and theres a single black one in the middle". The medicine man replied "You don't mention the sheep to anybody and I won't mention the baby".

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: susu
Date: 13 Jan 05 - 12:33 PM

This isnt really a joke but a funy thought I had. I have had alot of deaf friends in my life and they like my hearing friends often use me as a sounding board when they are ticked off at somebody. So if my hearing friends are bitching my ears off does that mean that my deaf friends are bitching my eyes off?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Mrrzy
Date: 13 Jan 05 - 01:36 PM

Folkiedave, explique, s'il te plait!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Tannywheeler
Date: 14 Jan 05 - 12:56 PM

Fooles darlin', if God ever asks me what some of my favorite things in life have been, crossing paths with you will be on the list. If he asks me about complaints, it'll be that I didn't do it sooner.

Let's get with the French Lesson and see if we can explain Dave's joke into the ground.

This is such a fun thread -- and I don't even need cheering up.   Tw