Lyr Add: Take Me from the Battlefield

Subject: Lyr Add: My Lyrics
From: GUEST,Simons
Date: 02 Apr 05 - 10:12 PM

hi, just some lyrics I wrote after reading a story. wondered if anyone had any opinions or suggestions? good or bad. its in order with with the refrain. thank you for reading

--------------
Johnny landed in 'Nam in December
With a pack in his hand, and a gun
Holding up Johnson's letter
As he stood under the burning sun

He was assigned to the first cavalry
Of the Third Battalion, Vietnam
And as 1968 rang in
He weeped as he wrote to his ma'
--------------

Take me from the battlefield
Take me from the grave
Take me from the destruction
Back to the U.S.A
--------------

For five long weeks Johnny stood
As a munitions guard of the night
When out nowhere came a blast
With a flash that burned his sight

And the first cavalry we're put into action
Their destination was Hue (pronounced Hway)
They flew the flag of war, and
Johnny held the pole all the way
--------------

Take me from the battlefield
Take me from the grave
Take me from the destruction
Back to the U.S.A
--------------

In Hue he saw a thousand dead
And he shot a eleven more
By evening he'd held the river
And by night he lay dead on the floor
--------------

Take me from the battlefield
Take me from the grave
Take me from the destruction
Back to the U.S.A
--------------

For he'd woke in the dead of night
And lit up' a Marloboro Red
When the smoke caught the sniper's eye
A bullet caught him right in the head
--------------

Take me from the battlefield
Take me from the grave
Take me from the destruction
Back to the U.S.A
--------------

A flag crossed for Johnny's sacrifice
A symbol of his life
Nixon made another speech
And Johnson said his goodbyes

Flares in an a tattered envelope
And box of Marlboro Red
We're all that came home that day
With the last letter that Johnny had sent
--------------


Take me from the battlefield
Take me from the grave
Take me from the destruction
Back to the U.S.A

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: My Lyrics
From:
Date: 03 Apr 05 - 03:56 PM

Wow!! It's a powerful song, Simons. Aside from some minor typos, I don't see that there's any need to comment on my part. Someone who went through Vietnam in those days might be better able to render an opinion.

Do you have a tune in mind for this song? Too bad you didn't put the title in the Subject instead of "My Lyrics". I'm sure "Take Me From the Battlefield" would have piqued others to view and comment.

Thread title changed for more effective viewing - joeclone

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: My Lyrics
From: GUEST,Brian
Date: 04 Apr 05 - 11:57 AM

I agree it is a powerful song. Please submit a melody to MMario or Pene Azul. I am most impressed how you individualize Johnny's experience, which make the tragedy more real. The Legacy of cigarettes, flares, (every vet I've spoken with hates fireworks) and the flag are vivid images. My only criticism is the chorus. I am not a fan of choruses as they only encourage drunks to sing along. The verses stand very well by themselves.

Brian

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Take me from the Battlefield
From: GUEST,Brian
Date: 04 Apr 05 - 01:25 PM

If you made every other verse into one, say:

Johnny landed in 'Nam in December with a pack in his hand, and a gun
Holding up Johnson's letter as he stood under the burning suna
He was assigned to the first cavalry of the Third Battalion, Vietnam
And as 1968 rang in he weeped as he wrote to his ma'
--------------

you would have a perfect come all ye format (in fact COME ALL YE TRAMPS AND HAWKERS would work well for this). You could put it to any number of traditional melodies.

Brian

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Take me from the Battlefield
From: GUEST,Brian
Date: 04 Apr 05 - 02:09 PM

I apologise. I should not offer suggestions on how to write a song. I don't know your experiences. We may have different ideas about how to write a song that are neither right nor wrong. THis thread is inspiring me to write about my great uncle whose experiences wee much like Johnny's, although he lived to come back to America before Saigon fell.

Brian

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Take me from the Battlefield
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 04 Apr 05 - 02:13 PM

Brian, Simons *asked** for comments or suggestions - and your comments were constructive. I don't think you have cause for apologies

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Take me from the Battlefield
From: GUEST
Date: 04 Apr 05 - 02:44 PM

Well, at least let me run my comments through Spellchecker. I apologize. I should not offer suggestions on how to write a song. I don't know your experiences. We may have different ideas about how to write a song that are neither right nor wrong. This thread is inspiring me to write about my great uncle whose experiences were much like Johnny's, although he lived to come back to America before Saigon fell.

Brian

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Take me from the Battlefield
From: GUEST,Simons
Date: 07 Apr 05 - 07:51 AM

Hi guys, sorry its been so long with the reply. Last time I checked, there were no reply's.

Thanks so much for the comments and suggestions, don't apologise it's exactly what I wanted. I've written a basic tune to it and I'm gonna get around to recording it soon, I will put an mp3 up. You picked up on the chorus, yeah it's not great, it's only filler so it's scrapped. The names has to be changed too. I originally had his writing to his mother in the chorus, I may do without one as suggested. Inspired by the writings of Eric Bogle.

Thanks again, gentlemen. Really appreciated.

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Take me from the Battlefield
From: GUEST,Simons
Date: 07 Apr 05 - 07:58 AM

Hey thanks for changing the title for me, just noticed. This is how it stands now.. I'm an Irish lad by the way, so if anyone has any corrections, please say. I've read up on it as much as I could, but it still may be innacurate.

---------
Johnny landed in Saigon in December
With a pack in his hand, and a gun
Holding up Johnson's letter
As he stood under the burning sun

He was assigned to the first cavalry
Of the Third Battalion, Vietnam
And as 1968 rang in
He weeped as he wrote to his ma'

So for five long weeks Johnny stood
As a munitions guard of the night
When out nowhere came a blast
With a flash that burned his sight

And the first cavalry we're put into action
Their destination was Hue (pronounced Hway)
They hung out the flag of war, and
Johnny held the pole all the way

In Hue he saw a thousand dead
And he shot a eleven more
By evening he'd held the river
And by night he lay dead on the floor

For he'd woke in the middle of the night
And lit up' a Marlboro Red
When the smoke caught the sniper's eye
A bullet caught him right in the head

A flag crossed for Johnny's sacrifice
A symbol of his life
Nixon made another speech
And Johnson said his goodbyes

Flares in an a tattered envelope
And box of Marlboro Red
We're all that came home that day
With the last letter that Johnny had sent


Sorry about the double post!

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Take me from the Battlefield
From: Brían
Date: 07 Apr 05 - 01:50 PM

That's great Simons! Would you mind if I perform it to a different tune? The only change I might suggest is Americans tend to say mom, rather than ma (although there are regional differences).

Brían

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Take me from the Battlefield
From: GUEST
Date: 07 Apr 05 - 08:40 PM

Feel free Brían, I'd be honoured if you did. You have an arrangement in my mind? I'm guessing you're Irish too, maybe not.. The "ma" was really supposed to be "maw", you know in the Texan accent. Rather than a dubliners "ma". That's possibly an American stereotype, like top of the mornin' to ye and all that lark, I'm not sure. I just don't know mom fits? what you's think? I'm a bit of a perfectionist with words, not that mine are perfect of course. Thanks for the help, you're a gentleman!!

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Take me from the Battlefield
From: Brían
Date: 07 Apr 05 - 09:47 PM

I am an American in the North. You are correct about Ma being a more Texan expression. I have talked to many Irish people. they usually say Dia dhuit ar maidin a Bhríain, cén chaoi a' bhfuil tú or some such nonsense to me. I thought that the air Luke Kelley sang COME ALL YE TRAMPS AND HAWKERS would be a nice air to that song. I have been trying to write a song myself about my Great Uncle who lived near Saigon until just before it fell. He was a great character and all thee kids in the neighborhood loved him because he had so many stories. Unfortunately, I need to throw a lot lines back in the water to swim around for a while until I let them come up for air. Beidh mé ag caint leat aríst,

Brían

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Take me from the Battlefield
From: GUEST,Simons.
Date: 07 Apr 05 - 10:55 PM

Oh really... Sorry for assuming. I've been listening to Luke Kelly's 'Come All You Tramps and Hawkers' since you mentioned it earlier and I think you may be onto something there. Beautiful melody. Writing a song can be incredibly difficult I know, especially when it's something personal or about someone you know.

When inspiration comes it seems to flow and it all comes together. My advice would be don't try to force it. The best songs are written and then re-written. I'm only 20 but I've been writing songs for 3/4 years, or attempting to. You will improve with time, like everything.

Sláinte agus chugat.
Cheers.

Hope I've covered everything, I'm slightly drunk sorry. :-(

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Take me from the Battlefield
From: GUEST,Simons
Date: 07 Apr 05 - 10:57 PM

If anybody feels like checking out some other lyrics I wrote, they are down the way "When The Wall Came Falling Down". Shameless plug, thanks guys.

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Take me from the Battlefield
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 08 Apr 05 - 03:04 AM

As a munitions guard of the night
May I propose
As an ammo guard of the night

I never heard American soldiers talk of munitions, only of ammo [short for ammunition]. And it flows better to the metrics.

Wonderful song, congratulations.
Wilfried

Subject: Lyr Add: TAKE ME FROM THE BATTLEFIELD
From: GUEST,Simons
Date: 08 Apr 05 - 12:41 PM

Thanks very much for your help and the suggestion Wilfried. As it stands now..

Johnny landed in Saigon in December
With a pack in his hand, and a gun
Holding up Johnson's letter
As he stood under the burning sun

He was assigned to the first cavalry
Of the Third Battalion, Vietnam
And as 1968 rang in
He weeped as he wrote to his maw'(mom possibly?)

And for five long weeks Johnny stood
As ammunition guard of the night (ammo guard, maybe?)
When out nowhere came a blast
With a flash that burned his sight

And the first cavalry we're put into action
Their destination was Hue
They hung out the flag of war, and
Johnny held the pole all the way

In Hue he saw a thousand dead
And he shot a eleven more
By evening he'd held the river
And by night he lay dead on the floor

He'd woke in the middle of night
And lit up' a Marlboro Red
When the smoke caught the sniper's eye
A bullet caught him right in the head

They crossed the flag for Johnny's sacrifice
A symbol of his life
While Nixon made another speech
And Johnson said his goodbyes

Flares in an a tattered envelope
And box of Marlboro Red
We're all that came home that day
With the last letter that Johnny had sent


Thanks for all your help. If anybody has anymore corrections or comments I'd really appreciate it.

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Take Me from the Battlefield
From: Brían
Date: 10 Apr 05 - 09:27 AM

Your song looks great to me as it stands. I think I finally finished my song about my great uncle, John. I need to let it simmer for a while, but I think it's done. I want thank you, Simons for getting me up off( or down on) mo thóin and finishing it.

Brían

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Take Me from the Battlefield
From: GUEST,Simons
Date: 10 Apr 05 - 04:03 PM

Tá fáilte romhat.