Bad news for Mrrzy & kids

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: Melani
Date: 09 Mar 06 - 02:26 PM

I'm so sorry. At least his suffering is over.

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: GUEST,Dani
Date: 04 Mar 06 - 02:49 PM

I'm so very sorry. Please let the boys know that many (I'm one) are sending them hugs, and thinking of them.

Tell them that they will ALWAYS miss their Dad, no matter what. I still do, almost every day. But the pain does lessen, and the good memories (and good for you for giving them that gift) are what truly last.

Dani

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: gnu
Date: 04 Mar 06 - 10:10 AM

Condolences.

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: suzi
Date: 04 Mar 06 - 08:30 AM

So very sorry.... x

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Mar 06 - 09:44 PM

Thanks, all.

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: GUEST,maryrrf
Date: 03 Mar 06 - 08:24 AM

So sorry to hear this, mrrzy.

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: Bert
Date: 02 Mar 06 - 11:03 PM

Your life's hard work is over
all the storms have left the sky
the sun sets in the mountains
and its time to say goodbye

you have been my own true lover
the time has come I know
you'll be part of me forever
though I have to let you go

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Mar 06 - 10:48 PM

He died in the wee hours of the night, so Tuesday or Wednesday, depending on how you want to look at it. There had been a lot of family around, and I wanted to stay but the boys really wanted to leave, so we did, and he died a few hours later while his sister, who was the one spending the night, slept. Funeral Saturday, big party afterwards, you are all welcome, PM for directions.

I'm fine. Tim is delicate, and Wil is mostly really sad. We are doing the pilgrimage go-round, tomorrow it will be the pool hall where they hung out with their dad while I wasn't looking.

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: autolycus
Date: 02 Mar 06 - 04:37 PM

Really sorry. Feeling sad and helpless. "In the midst.....". My Dad died last summer, so all my sympathy. And look after yourself, too.

<<>>

Ivor

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: Mr Red
Date: 02 Mar 06 - 08:06 AM

Not an easy thing but perhaps it is relevant to let the kids know (as if they didn't) that death is part of life and natural.

My father died when I was 9 months old - at least they had him for 10 years. Maybe you don't miss what you never had - maybe - but believe me - I would NOW have preferred to have had 10 years of memories. Rather than 36 of a grieving mother.

Life is cruel.

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: jacqui.c
Date: 02 Mar 06 - 07:57 AM

Keeping you and the children in my thoughts Mrrzy.

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: Cllr
Date: 02 Mar 06 - 05:31 AM

My thoughts are with you and the kids. Cllr

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: SunnySister
Date: 02 Mar 06 - 01:55 AM

Sending my best- I've wondered and kept you, your ex and your children in my thoughts and prayers. So young for your children to have to go through this. I'm so glad that have you for a mom to support them.

--SunnySister

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: mg
Date: 02 Mar 06 - 01:38 AM

I hope that his end is peaceful and the children know that his love for them will continue on. mg

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: Janie
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 07:42 PM

May you all dwell in your hearts.
May you know mercy.
May you have peace.
May you feel loving-kindness around and within you.

Janie

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: Alba
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 07:38 PM

Holding You All in my thoughts tonight.
Light, Peace and Love
Jude

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: GUEST,Dani
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 06:58 PM

Thinking of you and the little ones, and sending warm thoughts.

May he, and you all, find contentment, peace and light.

Dani

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: Bert
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 12:28 PM

Love and kind thoughts

from Bert & Tree

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: Wesley S
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 12:25 PM

Our thoughts are with you. We know it must be a difficult time.

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From:
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 05:01 AM

Thinking of you x

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: GUEST,KT
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 03:10 AM

Thinking of you Mrrzy, and wishing you strength, peace and love.

KT

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: Azizi
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 01:49 AM

Sending positive vibrations your way.

Azizi

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 01:44 AM

Take care, and let us know what we can do to help.

SRS

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: open mike
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 01:04 AM

take a deep breath...
and treasure the memories..
thanks for sharing with us..
feel free to lean on friends, and
neighbors and family....at this
delicate time...

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: JudyB
Date: 28 Feb 06 - 11:24 PM

Thoughts are with you and the rest of the family.

Hugs,
JudyB

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: wysiwyg
Date: 28 Feb 06 - 11:04 PM

Well, we'll be "here" thinking of you all, and we love you just as much and as strong as ever.

Try to let it just be, and roll with it, and be kind to yourself. Not just the passage-- all of it, in the days to come.

~Susan

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: Mrrzy
Date: 28 Feb 06 - 11:00 PM

OK, this seems to be it. The nurses said "hours, not days" tonight. I'll let you know.

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 12 Jan 06 - 04:49 AM

My sympathies. My well liked next door neighbour of 24 years has now gone, dues to widespread cancer in his back.

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: Joe Offer
Date: 11 Jan 06 - 06:44 AM

Hi, Mrr - I wish the best for you and your family. It sounds like many of us have children who have had to deal with grief. My wife and I have been married four years now, and her son is now 16. He lost his father at the age of 7, and his stepfather at 11. That's a lot for a kid to handle, and it really affected him - still does, to a degree. For several months, he went to a weekly children's session offered by our local hospice, and I think it was very helpful. the Social Security Administration also provides support for him - I think it ends when he finishes high school.
All the best to you. I'm sure you're a wonderful mom.
-Joe Offer-

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: Ella who is Sooze
Date: 11 Jan 06 - 03:41 AM

Mrrzy

From personal experiences, it is good to be totally truthful to your children about what is happening, openess works and is the key to understanding. That's the main things you'll have to battle with, is understanding and getting the children to work through things. My family have always worked on being totally open with each other, and as a child I was told everything that was going on - even if they hadn't I was pretty astute and would have guessed something was up.

I've seen children's books over here in the UK that have stories in them about grief, loosing someone etc to make it easier to conect the facts. But children are surprising initiative and will always guess what is going on.

In my adult life I have always apreciated the openess of my parents with me about things that have happened and they encouraged open discussion after the loss of family members. That's the key I think, to keep the memory alive for them as they get older, the remember this and that. Can you get your ex to write them letters not to be opened till later? Or get the kids and their father involved in making up scrap books of photos and stuff - this is one thing that helps memories and discussions later on.

My thoughts are with you too, as well as the kids.

Take care, I hope the above helps.

E.W.I.S

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: Mrrzy
Date: 10 Jan 06 - 08:41 PM

Thank you all for your good thoughts and ideas. I will definitely be looking more into hospice stuff, and he's going to get himself declared disabled so he can get on medicaid/care, and he can apply for veteran stuff too, so we're looking into all of that. Gives us all something to do. Will look into that loony songwriter, too, Charley Noble!

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: GUEST,leeneia
Date: 10 Jan 06 - 02:14 PM

Can I share something I read in the paper?

Our paper had a story about a caseworker in Children's Hospital. She was helping a family that had had a fire. One young son had died, and another was in the hospital.

The caseworker said that she could do nothing to ease their grief over their sons. However, she could take the load of dealing with life's small issues off their shoulders. For example, the mother wanted to buy groceries, but couldn't because she didn't have her driver's license to present along with a check. So the caseworker dealt with the bureaucracy to solve that problem.

You can be the caseworker for your children. You can't ease the loss of their father. But you can help deal with other problems they face, problems they might normally handle on their own. I'm thinking of the (hypothetical) crabby teacher, the playground bully, the sport they're not good at, the lessons they don't really enjoy. Now is the time to get rid of these stresses. Also, TV, media and games which deal with violence and death. Death is no longer unreal for them.

I realize that as a Mudcatter, you control this stuff already. But you never know what might be on TV at a friend's house, etc.

Help them get enough sleep. Make sure their teachers are in the loop.

This is from my personal experience - beware of human vultures who descend at times like this, saying something like "Your father must have done something bad, because God is punishing him by giving him cancer." These will usually be kids they hardly know.

Well, if I were in your shoes, I think I would find the concept of mother-caseworker a comfort. What do you think?

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: Pseudolus
Date: 10 Jan 06 - 12:49 PM

Prayers are all I have to offer...

I wish you strength.

God bless,
Frank

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: gnu
Date: 09 Jan 06 - 06:02 AM

Thoughts and prayers.

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: jonm
Date: 09 Jan 06 - 05:10 AM

You all have my sympathy. My brother's wife died three weeks after diagnosis leaving children aged three and four.

Hospice care is a good idea - the kids were terrified of hospitals because you went in and never came out. They thought the same would happen to them on a simple trip to casualty.

However old the children are, don't lie to them. Tell them what you think they will understand then give them time to digest it and ask questions and answer those as fully and honsetly as you are able to.

Build some photographic or other recorded memories of your ex while he is still relatively OK that they can look back on. However you parted, all bets are off now and you need to be amicable and talking from the kids' viewpoint. Their memories of these last few months will be irrevocably tarnished by acrimonious disputes. They may wish to provide input into funeral arrangements.

The most important person to look after in all of this is you, Mrrzy. You are the one who the kids will depend on, now and in the future. You need rest, support, someone to talk to, cuddles etc. to keep you on the straight and narrow to be there for them. Make time for yourself and don't feel guilty about it.

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: SunnySister
Date: 09 Jan 06 - 01:31 AM

Mrrzy- I have nothing more to add than the very thoughtful comments posted here. Hospice has been a very important part of my family's journey through the last days of a loved one and after. I think it would be a good place to start for all of you.

Please know you and your family and ex are in my thoughts through this difficult time.

--SunnySister

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: M.Ted
Date: 09 Jan 06 - 12:59 AM

I think the hospice is very important, because the kids, and you, need a way to come to terms with this situation. Our society has gotten to the point where we avoid dealing with, or even thinking about, death--and it leaves most of us unsure of what to do, to say, or even to feel when we are confronted with the inevitable.

I am not a Buddhist, but Buddhism places a lot of emphasis on preparing to deal with and accept death. There is a lot of their stuff on the web, and your thread has made me start to read a bit, and reflect on how I should start talking about this stuff with my kids.

I wish you the best, and hope that you find a positive way to deal with this very difficult situation. My thoughts and prayers are with you.Please keep us posted on what happens.

Ted

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: Allan C.
Date: 08 Jan 06 - 08:08 PM

Very sorry to hear this, Mrzzy. Please let him know I'll be sending good thoughts his way. And please give the boys a special hug from me.

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: CapriUni
Date: 08 Jan 06 - 05:19 PM

Hugs in spirit to everyone in your circle, Mrrzy.

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: GUEST,Dani
Date: 08 Jan 06 - 04:41 PM

I'm so sorry Mrzzy. Religion or no, you will need grace and peace wherever you can find it. If it can be found here, that's great.

Let me second/third/etc. the thoughts on hospice care. They have SO MANY resources, particularly for children. They were so very helpful and kind to my girls when my mother was dying, and I wasn't able to see/know how to help myself, let alone the girls. Their care extended throughout the year AFTER her death, which is when it really counted.

Keep us posted.

Dani

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: GUEST
Date: 08 Jan 06 - 12:15 AM

Mrzzy - My heart goes out to you and the kids. It won't be easy but remember that all things pass in time.

When my daughter was sixteen, we discovered that dad had an inoperable brain tumor. He went on a marobiotic diet and shrunk it from the size of a walnut to the size of a pea. That was 14 years ago and he's still with us. He is blind in one eye, slurs his speech a little but has exactly the same personality and still writes music.

Life is not easy but the children will surprize you with their strength, their courage and their dignity. My children have become kind and thoughtful adults. I think they owe it to their experience with human frailty.

Good luck to you all and cherish each moment.

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: Charley Noble
Date: 07 Jan 06 - 10:39 PM

Mrrzy-

So sorry to hear of this.

The Warren Zevon song may be a good start. I would tend to look to Bob Franke for something, although some of his are really wild cards. This doesn't sound like "Thanksgiving Eve" but that song might help you.

Maybe you should write a song.

Charley Noble

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: Mrrzy
Date: 07 Jan 06 - 06:33 PM

Thanks all. Here is that Warren Zevon song:

Shadows are falling and I'm running out of breath
Keep me in your heart for a while
If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less
Keep me in your heart for a while

/ G Gmaj7 Cadd9 G / Cadd9 - G - / :

When you get up in the morning and you see that crazy sun
Keep me in your heart for a while
There's a train leaving nightly called when all is said and done
Keep me in your heart for a while

{Refrain}
Sha la, la-la-la, la-la-li, li, lo
Keep me in your heart for a while
Sha la, la-la-la, la-la-li, li, lo
Keep me in your heart for a while

Sometimes when you're doing simple things around the house
Maybe you'll think of me and smile
You know I'm tied to you like the buttons on your blouse
Keep me in your heart for a while

   Hold me in your thoughts, take me to your dreams
   Touch me as I fall into view
   When the winter comes keep the fires lit
   And I will be right next to you

   / Cadd9 - G/B - / A7sus4 - G - / 1st / A7sus4 - D7 - /

Engine driver's headed north to Pleasant Stream
Keep me in your heart for a while
These wheels keep turning but they're running out of steam
Keep me in your heart for a while

{Refrain}

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: fat B****rd
Date: 07 Jan 06 - 02:54 PM

Kind thoughts from Charlie S.

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 07 Jan 06 - 02:29 PM

Let's see if this goes through today:

My children were 9 and 12 when I was diagnosed with uterine cancer. Two surgeries cured it, but it was shocking and alarming for all of us, my ex included. Our world suddenly became much simpler, because the nonsense with my ex just stopped. Our divorce was amicable, but it still had it's stress points, petty power plays. It doesn't make any difference that your children don't actually live with their father--he is still their father.

I could see my children acting out their fear, my 9-year-old in particular. Since my circumstance was so different (I survived) I won't go into detail about how I got past that, except to say that I played a bit of a trick on him to let him think the surgery was fairly minor (it was done vaginally, so all that showed were a couple of bandaids on my abdomen--"Did they use that Sesame Street bandaid like I asked?" as I pulled the gown aside a little to reveal a simple pink bandaid.) As time passed I was able to tell him more about the surgery. You'd be a fool to try to trick your children into believing anything but the truth in this instance, but you can be very sure that the time they spend with him is quality time for him as well as them.

Palliative care information, hospice (as recommended), and support groups/counselling will be of help to ALL of you. Just because you're divorced doesn't mean you, as the ex, can get through this any easier than if you were still married.

Good luck to all of you. If you need to talk, please PM for my (or any of our) email.

SRS

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: GUEST,Clogger
Date: 07 Jan 06 - 01:55 PM

You have probbly thaught about this already but, why not get him to record each of the "kids" a personal message that they can play back when needed. Don't forget yourself eather!
My Dad died of "the big C" and I found the help given by St Annes hospice (I think it is UK only, sorry) to be more help than I can say. Write a wish list and then do as many of them as you can!
All my best!

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: SINSULL
Date: 07 Jan 06 - 01:47 PM

So sorry that you and your children have to deal with this. The hospital and hospice will have suggestions for support groups. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: Mrrzy
Date: 07 Jan 06 - 12:57 PM

Thanks, all; I've already talked hospice, and he seems to think it a good idea. We now have some data - Stage IV, he's out of the hospital now that they've located all the tumors (turns out he does have one on each adrenal) and there is nothing to be done about any of them, median survical with chemo is 5-15 months. I don't know the 1- and 5-year survival percentages but we should have a year or so, which I find merciful, compared to the way my dad died.
Thanks for the stories.
I am thinking of the song Warren Zevon wrote when he was dying of lung cancer about Shadows falling and running out of breath. Will look for those lyrics.
-Mrr

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: black walnut
Date: 07 Jan 06 - 12:56 PM

No words to say at the moment, but didn't want to be quiet either.
Love,

~b.w.

Subject: RE: Bad news for Mrrzy & kids
From: wysiwyg
Date: 06 Jan 06 - 10:03 PM

Mrrzy, it's wonderful that your focus is on you kids and how you will deal with this, and of course my thoughts are with you all. About the kids, you really can't predict how they will be about this.... just love 'em as they show you how they are feeling. Probably the nmost important things to remember is that no matter how awful they feel or how much they try to keep that under a lid, people are actually wired to deal with loss and grief, and they are sure to take some good things from it all, at the same time they are hurting. If you help them focus on how much they love him and all the great memories, you will help them keep those good things in central focus.

But then there's you, too. You get to have feelings, too. I hope you have a safe place to curl up and feel your own feelings, and to talk about it. Trust yourself to know who that is, and tell that person what you need from them about this.

Breathe. Your kids know you love them. They will not break, and you cannot really screw up being their mom. Just love them and be yourself with them. That will be their security.

~Susan