BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Paul Burke
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 07:54 AM

And I read the wrong translation. Barley/ beer, perhaps?

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Bobert
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 08:06 AM

Bite me!!!

(Hmmmmpppphhhh! Who says that Bobert can't do mature humor/humour???)

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: CarolC
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 08:29 AM

This is Jack the Sailor.

Little Hawk, Did you mean to imply that the Chimp Joke was not mature humour? If so, I beg to differ. The joke itself was not particularly notable or mature, just anothe bawdy pun. But the overall writing was brilliant. It is a perfect little monkey satire of the classic momoment of a the joke told at a bar.

"What kind of car?"
"Is this going somewhere?"
The bartender finishing his beer, the cheap toupe.... Brilliant!!! I say brilliant!!! A fine piece of comedic cinema, the craft of the writing and directing apparant at every turn!!

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: RangerSteve
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 09:22 AM

So this is the wrong thread to post words that make kids laugh in school: Uranus, Titicaca, Kumquat, Sperm Whale....

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 09:34 AM

Paul Burke -- also key and lock.

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: David C. Carter
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 09:43 AM

Black Adder:"Have you no idea what irony is?"

Baldrick:"Yeah!It's like goldy and bronzy,only it's made of iron".

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Peace
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 10:22 AM

I am happy to see that we haven't let Little Hawk down. The prize post has to go to CarolC, IMO. Glad I didn't have a mouthful of coffee when I watched the video.

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: JennyO
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 10:36 AM

Speaking of letting people down...

An inflatable pupil goes to his inflatable school and is having a really bad
day. Bored in his history lesson, he gets up and walks out. Walking down the
corridor, he sees the inflatable headmaster walking towards him and he pulls
a knife out and stabs him. He runs out of the school. As he gets outside, he
thinks again "I hate school" and pulls his knife out and stabs the
inflatable school. He runs off to his inflatable home.

Two hours later, his inflatable mum is knocking at his inflatable bedroom
door with the inflatable police. Panicking, inflatable boy pulls out the
knife and stabs himself. Later on that evening, he wakes up in an inflatable
hospital and sees the inflatable headmaster in the inflatable bed next to
him. Shaking his deflated head, more in sorrow than in anger, the headmaster
gravely intones: "You've let me down; you've let the school down, but worst
of all, you've let yourself down."

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Peace
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 10:46 AM

Teacher says, "I will give you a letter of the alphabet and you will say a word that starts with that letter. Then, you will use the word in a sentence. The letter is 'B'."

Little Johnny waved his hand and the teacher recognized it. He said, "Breakfast starts with 'B'." The teacher prompted, "Use it in a sentence now." He said, "I didn't get no fu#kin' breakfast." When things settled down the day moved on. At day's end, the teacher asked, "Does anyone know where the Mexican border is?" Well, there was Little Johnny waving his hand again. Reluctantly, but hoping for a good answer this time, the teacher said, "OK. Where is the Mexican border, Johnny?" He replied, "Upstairs with my Mom. That's why I didn't get no fu#kin' breakfast."

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 11:18 AM

Legitur, ut dicit Macrobius, quod erat quidam miles, qui habuit uxorem suam suspectam, quod plus unum alium dilexit quam ipsum, propter aliqua audita et visa. Saepius ab uxore quaesivit, si verum esset. Illa simpliciter negavit, quod nullum alium praeter ipsum in tantum dilexit. Miles dictis eius non acquievit, sed quendam clericum peritum adiit et cum eo convenit, ut de hac re veritatem ei ostenderet. Qui ait: "Hoc non potero temptare, nisi dominam viderem et cum ea fabularem." Et ille: "Rogo te cum affectu, ut hodie mecum cibum gustes, et ego te cum uxore mea collocabo."

Clericus accessit ad domum militis, hora prandii venit, et iuxta dominam est collocatus. Finito prandio clericus incepit cum domina de diversis negotiis habere colloquia. Hoc facto clericus manum dominae accepit et pulsum suum tetigit, deinde sermonem de eo feit, cum quo erat scandalizata et vehemens suspicio. Statim prae gaudio pulsus incepit velociter moveri et calefieri, quamdiu sermonem de et traxit. Clericus cum percepisset hoc, incepit sermonem de viro suo habere, et pulsus statim ab omni motu et calore cessabat. Ex hoc percepit clericus, quod alium dilexit, de quo erat scandalizata, plus quam virum proprium, et sic miles per clericum ad rei veritatem evenit.

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Peace
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 11:20 AM

Easy for YOU to say.

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 11:22 AM

Jack, I agree that the chimp video is brilliantly staged and paced. Very nicely done. It really reminded me of Chongo Chimp, except that Chongo has just a little more class than that.

Anyway, I see that I may have erred in placing the word "mature" in the title. I was not implying that we needed "adult" humour in this thread, in the sense of bawdy jokes. Not at all.

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: katlaughing
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 11:27 AM

AN old suggestion, maybe worthy of reposting:

We could start using UTP to classify such as "Useless Thread Posting", thus eliminating a few more seconds of wasted time for the serious lot. i.e.

WARNING: UTP!! Just posting in a shameless bid to keep this thread going!

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: MaineDog
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 11:32 AM

May I remind my friends of this one, which I have always enjoyed, but have never been able to learn

http://www.mikeagranoff.com/lyrics/Jake.htm

enjoy
MD

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 11:44 AM

"UTP" means "UnTwisted Pair" and is used in defining cabling specifications. For example, "Cat 5E UTP".

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 12:34 PM

The title of this thread is an anagram for "Nature, roomy and with male pulse!", a phrase which is exceedingly witty and mature when translated into Old English.

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Cluin
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 12:35 PM

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly and painfully up onto a stool at the counter.
After catching his breath ,he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis."

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: WFDU - Ron Olesko
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 01:06 PM

A dyslexic walks into a bra...

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 01:40 PM

Brittney is driving down the highway, trying hard to focus on the very busy traffic, when her cellphone rings.

It's her boyfriend. "What is it?" she asks, "I'm really kind of distracted right now, and we should probably talk later!"

"I was worried about you," he replies. "I know you drive to work at this time, and I just saw on the TV that some idiot is driving their car the wrong direction on the highway, and I figured I'd better warn you..."

"It's not just one car that's going the wrong way," she answers breathlessly, "There's hundreds of them!"

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Cluin
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 02:46 PM

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday."
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 02:53 PM

An ecumenical archeological expedition in search of the common threads of all religion and concepts of God included representatives of several great faiths; a mullah, a priest a rabbi and a bhuddist monk. They tried to recruit a Hindu guru but he said he had already made that journey and was still sore so he refused to come along.
They toured and explored the legends, lore and cultures of the holy lands, the legendary regions of Shangri-La, the man made Islands of Micronesia and finally the great Amazon forest where not even geo positioning technology could trace their steps due to local powerful magnetic deposits.
Deep in the Amazon where caverns were said to stretch to the Pacific ocean deep beneath the Andes mountains they came across an ancient temple and were greeted by a remarkable Shaman who called himself Pooleyglot.
He claimed to understand the quest of the expedition and explained that all they seek is only a choice. "What kind of choice?" asked the Priest.
The Shaman said "It is always a choice between two things."
"What kind of things?" asked the Mullah.
"It is like a choice of life or death" said the Shaman.
"So you believe in an endless series of two choices" Queried the Rabbi.
"No, it is only two choices" said the Shaman.
"Can you offer any proof of your faith in two choices?" asked the Bhuddist.
"Yes. Yes I can." the Shaman exclaimed and as if with slight of hand presented the four religious leaders with a beverage.
"Drink and all shall be revealed!"
The Rabbi asked if there was any pork in it and the Mullah asked the same as well as alcohol.
The Shaman assured them it was an unfermented tea made soley from the tree of life.
They all drank deeply and turned simultaneously to view hundreds of natives that were assembling as if for a parade.
The four reassured themselves that they were in fact seeing the same spectacle. "WHO ARE THEY" asked the four in unison.

The Shaman boomed "They are the Aristocrats"
What do they want, What do they do, What are their beliefs? came the torrent of overlapping questions from the four men of faith as the archeologists and supporting film crew ran in the opposite direction.

The Shaman asnwered reassuringly "They are different beings to different people. Some may call them the embodiment of Karma and some may call them the livers of life, it is really a choice you must make.
NOW MAKE YOUR CHOICE !"

The priest said "What kind of choice?"

The Shaman said respectfully "You may choose the Aristocrats or death."
The beverage made the priest feel as if he had grown roots into the earth and could barely move, "I'll make no such choice"
The Shaman held a spear above his head and proclaimed "THEN I shal choose for you".
"NO NO no I will choose for myself and I shall choose Life as my God commands" said the Priest.
"Very well, then you have chosen the Aristocrats" shouted the Shaman so all could hear and a deafening cheer went up among the natives.

The four sat wide eyed as the natives led the Priest up to a familiar looking stone alter and stripped him of his clothes and laid prostrate upon the alter. Dozens of the Aristocrats proceeded to excrete great mounds of feces and rivers of urine upon the alter followed by many more who proceed to perform sexual acts upon the priest that defies description while others built a fire before the alter that could surely blister flesh, then rites of cruelty torture and pain began and did not end for six hours until the shattered but still alive remnant of the Priest's body was delivered back to the remaining three holy men.

When the Mullah was asked to choose he stoikly chose life and another six hours of manical acts ensued including sexual acts with yet different orifices such as an eye socket and transgressions of having to gaze upon cartoon images of Mohammed with one eye. Yet he too was delivered back alive to the group.

The Rabbi was hoping to argue his way out of the choice but in the end he too chose the Aristocrats and was defiled in ways never even imagined by Dr. Mengela. The experience seemed impossibly more extreme than his predecessors yet the Rabbi was returned with his external life intact.

The Shaman asked the remaining Bhuddist Monk to choose between The Aritocrats or Death.
The Bhuddist said " All of life is suffering. I already know suffering so I choose Death."

AHH said the Shaman, Very wise indeed. Then Death it shall be...
but first - THE ARISTOCRATS.

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 02:55 PM

Definition of a farmer = "A man outstanding in his field"

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 03:00 PM

That seems like an unnecessarily dark view of existence to me, Donuel. If life is a dream, why insist on it being a nightmare?

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Cluin
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 03:01 PM

That was a long convoluted way of telling that old joke, Don.

I loved it.

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Bill D
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 03:08 PM

well......yesterday I was reading this thread in the Firefox browser. I saw the link to a 'monkey video' provided by Carol C., and clicked on it....but upon arriving on the page, nothing happened, just a blank space where the video was supposed to play. I tried bypassing my web filters and reloading, but to no avail.

Today, I am in the Opera browser, and saw some more comments on the video, so thought I'd try again.....'click on the link' and **BOOM**....it instantly gave me a black screen and hung the PC with the amber light ON..not flickering with activity, *ON*.....geeeez! Waited a bit, then manually shut down (WinXP)and rebooted.

I don't like stuff like that...I see no reason why ANY site has to make it that hard to see what they offer, or why they design it so that only I.E. will egt in...(I'm 'guessing' that might be it...I'm not going back to see)

I'm just curious to know if anyone did see that video on anything other than I.E.

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 04:02 PM

Well, Bill D., I had no trouble with Firefox....

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Bill D
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 05:54 PM

hmmmmm....*thinking*

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Peace
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 05:58 PM

I watched it on IE.

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: MaineDog
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 06:50 PM

Labrador Retrievers are not consided to be great at tracking, but my friend is also part Shepard, and guess what, his nose is his foremost feature.

MD

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Cluin
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 06:51 PM

When it's in another dog's hindmost part.

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Peace
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 06:56 PM

The view looks the same to all but the lead dog.

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Bill D
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 07:12 PM

...and the lead dog ALWAYS has to be concerned about the reach and intentions of the #2 dog...

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 09:20 PM

Bill D - that monkey video came thru on my Win98SE with MSIE V6 - but with dialup I didn't wait to see it all. Know the joke anyway... :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: mack/misophist
Date: 01 Mar 06 - 11:46 PM

Opera 8.51 handled the video nicely. So did Firefox 1.5.0.1. And Galeon 1.3.19. Then I stopped checking.

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Amos
Date: 02 Mar 06 - 12:23 AM

Safari handled it okay. You may need to update your player.

A

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Paul Burke
Date: 02 Mar 06 - 03:58 AM

Sorry, Rapaire, the U in UTP stands for UNSCREENED.

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: autolycus
Date: 02 Mar 06 - 05:16 AM

Television is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done. (Ernie Kovacs.)

And to anticipate the next question, a television is a box with a screen on which you can see people that you wouldn't want in your home,(or as it has become recently,and significantly, your "property")

Three threads for the price of ...er - um - ( wanders off, muttering about conundra)

Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: MaineDog
Date: 02 Mar 06 - 08:01 AM

A farmer outstanding in his field may do well, but a farmer who works out in his field will do better.
MD

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 02 Mar 06 - 08:15 AM

If he is outstanding in his field he has probably worked harder than most don't you think?

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Peace
Date: 02 Mar 06 - 10:16 AM

"If he is outstanding in his field he has probably worked harder than most don't you think?"

Maybe it's winter.

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: JennyO
Date: 02 Mar 06 - 10:22 AM

I had no trouble watching it with Firefox, either.

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Den
Date: 02 Mar 06 - 01:54 PM

Here you go.

The circus comes to Belfast and wee Jimmy decides to take the day off
looking for work and bring a little enjoyment into his otherwise mundane life. "To the circus cries Jimmy," as he climbs into a black hack on Castle street. "Is that Carlisle Circus?" says the hackneyed hack handler. "No way mucker," says Jimmy, "take me to Duffy's Circus."

Ten minutes later he arrives at the Big Top ticket booth and can't help but notice that the young lady selling the tickets is extremely
attractive. Wee Jimmy is well taken and chats amiably with the handsome young ticket vendor. Things are going very well for Jimmy and he persuades the young woman to join him when the show starts. After the ticket counter closes the young woman joins wee Jimmy in his seat and they proceed to get along like a house on fire. That is until the clowns appear in the ring. The crowd cheers and the spotlight sweeps across the rows of excited faces. One of the clowns stares up from the ring when the spotlight stops on the faces of wee Jimmy and his charming companion. This particular clown really fancies the young ticket purveyor and is therefore not amused to see her sitting with wee Jimmy and aparently having a very good time into the bargain. The clown runs to the edge of the ring and calls out for all to hear. "You there." The crowd falls silent with anticipation and the spotlight focuses on Jimmy. "Who me", says Jimmy rather weakly. "Yes you," says the clown. "Could you answer me a question," he continues. "I s'pose I could," says Jimmy clearing his throat and shifting uneasily in his seat. "Well then," says the clown, "are you the front end of an ass?" "No way", says Jimmy. "OOOh," says the crowd collectively. "Well then," says the clown with a satisfied smirk on his face. "Are you the back end of an ass?" "Ohhh",
cry the crowd in unison. "No friggin' way," says Jimmy glancing sideways at his handsome companion. "Well then", cries the clown, "you must be no end an ass." The crowd erupt in gales of laughter. The young woman leaps out of her seat and makes a hasty retreat in the direction of away. The clowns tumble across the ring, the drums roll and poor Jimmy slinks out of his seat and hurries toward the exit truely mortified.

He heads down the Falls road silently cursing the smart arsed clown and his own inability to come up with an answer for him. "If only," thought Jimmy, "I'd had a better education and not left school early to persue a career as a bodhran dancer, Ahh but sure the costumes would have turned any impressionable young man's head". Jimmy trudged on, lost in his own thoughts, when out of the corner of his eye he spied a flashing neon sign, that read, "AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm - Master of Repartee, witty remarks while you wait". "By Jingo," says Jimmy, "that's the boy for me," and he races across the road weaving between overloaded taxis and chain smoking single mothers pushing double barrelled push chairs.

The shop bell dinged as Jimmy pushed open the door an entered AMAZING
HARRY, King of Sarcasm - Master of Repartee's emporium. The room was
bare except for a counter at one end which had a trail of smoke wafting up from behind it. Jimmy walked up to the counter and standing on tiptoe strained to look over it. On the other side of the counter sat a short man in a dark blue three piece suit and a tattered cloth cap reading the racing form. "Excuse me mate," says Jimmy "is AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm - Master of Repartee in". The wee man set aside his newspaper and looked at Jimmy through glasses with lenses so thick his eyes appeared to be in the back of his head. "Yes son," he said, "Im yer man, what's up." "Well ye see," said Jimmy and he related his story about the beautiful young woman, the sarcastic clown and the events at the circus. "No problem," says AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee, when Jimmy had finished his story. "I'll take care of yer man for ye, for a price." "Name it", says Jimmy. "Twenty five quid", says AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee. "that's steep",
says Jimmy. "Its up to you son", says Amazing Harry retrieving his
paper. Jimmy thought for a moment, getting his own back on the clown
would be great but impressing the young ticket seller would definately
be greater. "Ok," says Jimmy, "you're hired." "Right", says Amazing,
"we'll see you at the circus the morra."

Next day Jimmy could hardly wait and rushed off up the Falls road for
the afternoon matinee show of the circus. True to his word there stood
AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee waiting for him at the ticket booth. As luck would have it the same young woman was selling tickets. Jimmy walked up bought two tickets and after apologizing profusely managed to persuade the young woman to join them when the show started. Once inside Jimmy and AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee found their seats and settled in. Jimmy handed the twenty five pound fee to Amazing and they both waited for the young woman to join them, which she soon did. Just as before, things were going very well between Jimmy and his female companion. The events of the previous day were almost forgotten until the music began and the clowns took to the ring. Once more the spotlight searched the audience and once more the same clown spied Jimmy with his estranged par-amour. The clown once more trotted to the edge of the ring and gazed up at his rival. The spotlight
followed the clowns gaze and settled on Jimmy, the young woman and
AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee. "Well, well",
says the clown and the crowd once again fall silent. "May I ask you a
question", he says, looking at Jimmy. "Fire away oul han'," said Jimmy
confidently. "Are you the front end of an ass"? said the clown. Jimmy
made a sideways glance at AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master
of Repartee, before answering, "not atall." "Then are you the back end
of an ass?" said the clown smiling maliciously. Jimmy could feel his throat tighten as he turned to AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee, who sat munching popcorn. "Well no," replied Jimmy less confidently. The crowd remained hushed. You could have heard a pin drop. "Well then," said the clown,"you must be no end an ass." Again the crowd roared with laughter, the young woman fled from her seat and Jimmy gaped open-mouthed at AMAZING HARRY.

Once outside the circus tent Jimmy rounded on AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee. "Why the hell didn't you say something?" he yelled. "I was sizin' him up son," replied Amazing, "I wanted till see what he had, I'll be ready for him the next time." "The next time?" said Jimmy "what do you mean next time?" "Listen son", said AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee, "you meet me here tomorrow for the show and we'll sort your man out, he'll not know what hit him, I'll put him down that hard he'll think he's surrounded, oh by the way that'll be another twenty five quid."

Next day Jimmy and AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee arrive at the big top. As before Jimmy worked his charm on the youn ticket seller who agreed to join him after Jimmy assured her there would be no repeat of what happened before. He tells her he has brought along a friend who is a notorious wit and that the sacastic clown would definately meet his match that very afternoon. Reluctantly the young ticket seller agreed to join them when the show started.

When they were all settled in their seats Jimmy waited for the arrival of the clowns into the ring quietly confident that his adversary would meet his match. As before when the clown arrived he made straight for the edge of the ring and the spotlight once more fell on Jimmy. "Can I ask you a question," cries the clown and the audience fall silent. "Ask away," says Jimmy. "Are you the front end of an ass?" says the clown. Oooh, says the crowd. Jimmy looks at AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee before replying, "no I'm not." "Are you the back end of an ass?" says the clown. Ohhh, says the crowd. Again Jimmy looks at Amazing Harry a little desperately. Still AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee says nothing. "No", says Jimmy, panic welling up in his eyes. "Well" laughs the clown, "you must be no end an ass." The crowd roar with laughter, the girl runs from her seat as Jimmy turns to AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee. Suddenly AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee throws his bag of popcorn to the ground, jumps to his feet, stares directly at the clown and yells, "fuck off you red nosed bastard."

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: autolycus
Date: 02 Mar 06 - 03:53 PM

A priest and a rabbi used to meet each other every wednesday, both on bikes.

One wednesday, the priest is riding along and comes upon the rabbi on foot. Gets off. "Rabbi, where's your bike?".

Thus the rabbi,"Dunno. I just can't remember."

Priest says," I have a suggestion. I lost my bike once. So the following sunday, instead of delivering the sermon, I simply read out the Ten Commandments. Finished the service, people left. As I was leaving, I found my bike propped up outside. Obviously,'Thou Shalt Not Steal' had pricked someone's conscience. Problem solved."

The rabbbi replied,"Sounds good.I'll try it," and they go their ways.

The next wednesday, the priest is cycling along, and meets the rabbi, back on a bike.

"Rabbi,I see you've got your bike back. Did you try my method?".

Rabbi replies,"Certainly did. Instead of my sermon, I began reading out the Ten Commandments,and when I got to 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery. THEN I remembered where I left it."

Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Mar 06 - 06:01 PM

Two nuns were bicycling through one of the old European cities. The younger, who was unfamiliar with the neighborhood they were in, said, "Sister Mary, I've never come this way before."

"It's the cobblestones," came the reply.

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Bev and Jerry
Date: 02 Mar 06 - 06:44 PM

A little boy says to his mom, "When I grow up I want to be a musician". Mom replies, "Son, you can't have it both ways".

Which part of the United States government is in charge of everything outside? The Department of the Interior.

Bev and Jerry

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Cluin
Date: 03 Mar 06 - 12:38 AM

Two nuns were driving along in a car. Suddenly Dracula lands on the hood and tries to get at them through the sun roof.

"Quick, sister!" screams the driver, "Show him your cross!"

So the second sister sticks her head out the window and yells, "Oi! You! Get th' fuck off our car or I'll kick your undead ass!"

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 03 Mar 06 - 05:08 AM

Mature, witty, and not for adults only:

When Cicero saw his son-in-law Lentulus, a man of very short figure, girt with a long sword he said: "Who tied my son-in-law to the sword?"

(Translated form the original Latin)

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: JennyO
Date: 03 Mar 06 - 10:52 AM

Two nuns are driving down the street behind the Bobbitts' car. At that moment, Loreena rolls down the window and flings her husband's penis out the window, and it hits the windshield of the nuns' car behind them.
Shocked, one nun turns to the other and says "Jeeez - did you see the size of the dick on that moth?"

Two nuns are in a bath. The first one says, "Where's the soap?" and the second one replies, "Yes it does, doesn't it!"

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: WFDU - Ron Olesko
Date: 03 Mar 06 - 11:21 AM

"Television is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done. (Ernie Kovacs.)"

I'm not sure if that quote actually came from Kovacs or not.

Fred Allen once said "Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.. [It is] radio fluoroscoped; the triumph of machinery over people; a "medium" because anything good on it is "rare.""

Kovacs saw television for the opportunities that it presented and he became one of its innovators.   Allan was never a success on televsion.

Other quotes from Allen:

"Television is a triumph of equipment over people, and the minds that control it are so small that you could put them in the navel of a flea and still have enough room for a network president's heart."

"Imitation is the sincerest form of television."

"A kind of radio which lets people at home see what the studio audience is not laughing at."

"The triumph of machinery over people."

Subject: RE: BS: Mature wit and humor only, please!
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Mar 06 - 11:24 AM

Personally, I find both Chaucer and Shakespeare to be real knee-slappers. (Really!)