BS: Unwanted Christmas presents

Subject: BS: Unwanted Christmas presents
From: BexMcK
Date: 05 Jan 07 - 01:02 PM

Thankfully that's another Christmas over! However, I am in grave need of advice.

I live in the UK, and family members in the USA spend a fortune on Christmas presents-- and another fortune on postage-- for my husband and me. They generally send clothing which either doesn't fit or which-- to put it bluntly-- we would never be caught dead wearing. It's not that it's bad stuff-- it's quite expensive gear-- it's just not to our taste. Every year I gently try to suggest that they don't need to spend so much money on us, that they don't need to send us presents, that they could just send something to our son, etc. I've tried suggesting that with sizes being difficult to judge, they would do better to send us things for the house instead, something musical, something...well...different. I have stopped sending store-bought presents to any of them, and instead usually send something homemade or creative.

But alas...this Christmas comes around and we have opened our packages to find another batch of really bad shirts.

I can't bear the thought of a repeat performance next year and need to say something! So I am appealing to your collective wisdom! Is there a tactful way to raise the subject, or should I go for the blunt approach?

Yours,
BexMcK

Subject: RE: BS: Unwanted Christmas presents
From: Wesley S
Date: 05 Jan 07 - 01:09 PM

Be blunt. If they insist on buying you clothing send them links to an internet shop of some sort so they'll know exactly what you want.

Subject: RE: BS: Unwanted Christmas presents
From: Barbara Shaw
Date: 05 Jan 07 - 01:11 PM

I also get a batch of presents I don't want every year. I usually end up returning them, but that may not be an option for you. Maybe you could send them back to the givers and say kindly that you appreciate them, but they just didn't work out for one reason or another. If you keep doing this, they will eventually stop sending them, hopefully.

I keep reminding myself that people enjoy giving gifts, so I shouldn't deprive them of the joy of giving.

By the way, I too love homemade, creative type gifts and usually try to give them. No one seems to get the hint in reverse, however... Maybe they dread my homemade, creative gifts each year!

Good luck!

Subject: RE: BS: Unwanted Christmas presents
From: Amos
Date: 05 Jan 07 - 01:13 PM

Hand them out to mendiants you pass on the byways.


A

Subject: RE: BS: Unwanted Christmas presents
From: MMario
Date: 05 Jan 07 - 01:14 PM

Have you tried mailing them back the previous year's presents as *THEIR* presents?

Subject: RE: BS: Unwanted Christmas presents
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 05 Jan 07 - 02:29 PM

Hand them out to mendiants you pass on the byways.

Yeah, and if that doesn't work just give 'em to bums on the street.

Subject: RE: BS: Unwanted Christmas presents
From: Ebbie
Date: 05 Jan 07 - 03:35 PM

Someone on tv the other night said that after Christmas he checks eBay. If the gifts he gave are for sale there, he knows that yes, they got them.

Subject: RE: BS: Unwanted Christmas presents
From: Peace
Date: 05 Jan 07 - 03:39 PM

There have to be Salvation Army shops or shelters that would welcome the gifts you don't want.

Subject: RE: BS: Unwanted Christmas presents
From: BexMcK
Date: 05 Jan 07 - 03:40 PM

Mailing them back as their presents next year might be an option...they probably wouldn't notice! Oh, and believe me, the charity shops have done quite well by my family.

Return is expensive because of the transatlantic thing. I think I'll have to go for the blunt approach and just confess to having different tastes...

Makes me think, though-- it's funny how family members think they know each other so well but actually pay very little attention to each other.

Subject: RE: BS: Unwanted Christmas presents
From: Peace
Date: 05 Jan 07 - 03:45 PM

OK, maybe the Sally Ann wouldn't like the crimson/off-mauve blouse with the starbust blue collar and medium-length tartan sleeves off-set by the diagonal pink stripes. BUT, someone out there is looking for JUST THAT in a size medium.

Subject: RE: BS: Unwanted Christmas presents
From: MMario
Date: 05 Jan 07 - 03:48 PM

On the other hand - I have both a sister and a niece who will pick out items for me I would never, ever, in a million years choose to buy for myself - and they always end up being one of my favorite items of clothing.

Subject: RE: BS: Unwanted Christmas presents
From: Seamus Kennedy
Date: 05 Jan 07 - 04:06 PM

Say Thank you very much to your relatives, then give the clothing to Salvation Army, Goodwill, St. Vincent de Paul.
That way, you're not offending them, and you're doing a charitable deed,
plus you've got the stuff out of your house.
It's a win, win, win situation.

Seamus

Subject: RE: BS: Unwanted Christmas presents
From: Becca72
Date: 05 Jan 07 - 04:19 PM

I have a similar situation with a slight twist. Several years ago we decided not to buy adults christmas or birthday gifts anymore (my gift list was around 30 people) because of the huge expense and it's really all about the kids anyway, right? So I have one aunt who will not comply. Every christmas she sends along a gift. This year I got a little tranquility fountain, which I fully expect to cause me to have to pee constantly and also to quickly become a cat drinking fountain. My sister got a plug-in air freshner to which she is allergic (I've had that gift in the past). We have asked her many times to stop going to the expense for us and use the money on herself, but she will not listen. So now we just take the gifts and either give them away or donate them to Goodwill. This year my sister and I decided not to send a Thank You note ( a big deal with this aunt) to see if that is a better hint for her.

Subject: RE: BS: Unwanted Christmas presents
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 05 Jan 07 - 04:22 PM

Ask them to buy you a llama - several charities like Oxfam and Tearfund run schemes whereby you can buy a llama or a goat or some trees and send them to a village in Africa or India in your name.

I was toying with the idea of a llama this year but I found it was so cute I wanted to keep him myself!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Unwanted Christmas presents
From: katlaughing
Date: 05 Jan 07 - 04:32 PM

Send a generic letter out to all givers informing them that you will no longer be receiving gifts, then give them alternatives such as the llamas or other charities to give to in your names. Otherwise, either say thanks and give the stuff away, as others have said, or be blunt and say thanks, but no thanks. I've used the "I'm very picky about what I wear, even my daughters and husband can't figure out what clothes to buy me, so please don't try" and it works. Though, this year my big sister DID take a chance and I LOVE the blouse she sent me! She understands what I like!

Subject: RE: BS: Unwanted Christmas presents
From: wysiwyg
Date: 05 Jan 07 - 04:34 PM

Is there a tactful way to raise the subject, or should I go for the blunt approach?


I'm a veteran of this, and I won't bore you with the details, but the answer to both of the above is, NO. There is not a tactful way to raise the subject except what you have already tried. Nor should you go for the blunt approach.

You can give the items to charity or someone you know can use them, and you can then choose to let your relatives know that you do this, or not, at your choice.

But why make an issue of it at all? Why not just enjoy the fact that they like to express their love in some way, and let it go?

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Unwanted Christmas presents
From: Barbara Shaw
Date: 05 Jan 07 - 04:54 PM

It's especially difficult when you're not separated from the givers by an ocean. They expect to see you wearing the items of clothing! I still have not found an occasion to wear one particularly expensive sweater I was given last year.

I tell myself to accept graciously, say thank you, and then do whatever I can with the gift, either returning it, giving it away or putting it away. It is much easier to give than to receive sometimes, and I try to remember that those folks are trying to do something nice for people they care about.

Subject: RE: BS: Unwanted Christmas presents
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 05 Jan 07 - 05:31 PM

Just an idea to avoid problems in the future...

Decide what your very favorite color is, get some paint swatches of that color from a paint store and send a swatch to anyone who'd be likely to send an item of clothing to you. It will greatly increase the chancees of the item being to your taste since, at least, the color will be right. My wife is fond of a particular shade of lime green to the point that I believe she'd wear a plastic garbage bag as long as it was that color.

Subject: RE: BS: Unwanted Christmas presents
From: Tinker
Date: 05 Jan 07 - 05:39 PM

We've finally stopped adult presents, but the most sucessful years were the last couple we traded gifts. I showed up on Thanksgiving with a pile of my favorite catalogs, my sister in law pulled out a few more and we all went throught them together picking out what we really liked (and didn't like.) We all left with amble ideas we knew would be appriciated and the ease of internet ordering.

It doesn't translate internationally, except if you could direct them to a few favorite vendors, you might be able to exchange things if it still is the one thing you'd never pick out. If they are stuck on expensive a link with a hint like I'd love to shop here but can't might lead in the right direction...

Subject: RE: BS: Unwanted Christmas presents
From: Cluin
Date: 05 Jan 07 - 06:44 PM

Pack it all up and send it to the Island of Misfit Toys.

Subject: RE: BS: Unwanted Christmas presents
From: number 6
Date: 05 Jan 07 - 06:48 PM

The Island of Misfit Toys is a myth Cluin.

biLL

Subject: RE: BS: Unwanted Christmas presents
From: Sorcha
Date: 05 Jan 07 - 06:56 PM

Have a yard/boot sale.

Subject: RE: BS: Unwanted Christmas presents
From: Zany Mouse
Date: 05 Jan 07 - 06:57 PM

I don't think there is anything you can do THIS Christmas but you could ask them to send you ideas of what they would like and then send your ideas to them. This Christmas Mick and I sent each other sites of possible pressie for us to choose from. This meant that we still had surprises but no NASTY surprises.

Rhiannon

Subject: RE: BS: Unwanted Christmas presents
From: Cluin
Date: 05 Jan 07 - 07:02 PM

Define myth, biLL.

Subject: RE: BS: Unwanted Christmas presents
From: number 6
Date: 05 Jan 07 - 07:05 PM

Hmmmmmmm ..... something of an imaginary existance.

biLL

Subject: RE: BS: Unwanted Christmas presents
From: number 6
Date: 05 Jan 07 - 07:09 PM

Sorta like Saint John, (New Brusnwick, Canada)

No knows for sure if it really exists ... including myself when I walk down it's streets. But then again, this could be the Island of Misfit Toys.

biLL

Subject: RE: BS: Unwanted Christmas presents
From: Bert
Date: 05 Jan 07 - 10:23 PM

I've got this picture in my mind of Squeaks walking a llama down Woodgrange Road.

Subject: RE: BS: Unwanted Christmas presents
From: Sorcha
Date: 05 Jan 07 - 10:42 PM

Bert, could it be worse than walking Limpit down Drury Lane?

Subject: RE: BS: Unwanted Christmas presents
From: Bert
Date: 05 Jan 07 - 10:45 PM

LOL Sorkieluv.

Subject: RE: BS: Unwanted Christmas presents
From: Alice
Date: 05 Jan 07 - 11:07 PM

Well, considering my parents were the only relatives who gavem me Christmas gifts and none of my many other relatives EVER give me a Christmas gift, I think you should just be grateful that you have relatives who care, thank them, and give the clothes to charity.

Alice

Subject: RE: BS: Unwanted Christmas presents
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 05 Jan 07 - 11:09 PM

Myth. . . a female moth. . .

I don't give anyone clothing unless I know very very well what they want to wear and know their size. Like my teenaged son will wear black t-shirts and anything that says "Metallica" on it. :)

Is this clothing coming from someone you love? If you can't get them to stop sending it through polite hints, and if you can't redirect their giving, just grin and bear it and donate the clothing somewhere. Or why not fly over and spend the holiday with them next year, and sort out what people do and don't like? If you want to wound them deeply, then pull one of the stunts recommended above (i.e., sending it back to them).

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: Unwanted Christmas presents
From: JennyO
Date: 06 Jan 07 - 12:43 AM

Our choir had this great idea one year, to have a post Christmas party, to which each person brought a gift they had been given which they thought truly awful. They were wrapped up in Christmas paper so you couldn't see what they were. Then we all swapped. I don't know if anybody got something THEY liked, but it was a real hoot, opening them up to see what they were.

I took along this really kitschy nativity scene that a "friend" of mine, a fellow Pagan, strangely enough, had given me, and in return I got a CD - probably the worst thing I have ever heard. I played it once, revelled in its awfulness, then never played it again.

Liz, I know what you mean about the llamas. I gave away a couple of goats on behalf of some friends who wanted all their wedding gifts to go to the TEAR organization. Apart from their being awfully cute, I could put them to work. I have some very fast growing grass here that I'm sure they'd love. They make excellent lawnmowers. Unfortunately they would also eat my vege garden, so maybe that's not such a good idea.

Subject: RE: BS: Unwanted Christmas presents
From: Seamus Kennedy
Date: 06 Jan 07 - 01:15 AM

Food (not much) for thought...

When people tell each other what they want, and get it,

then it's not really a gift, is it?

Seamus

Subject: RE: BS: Unwanted Christmas presents
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 06 Jan 07 - 03:18 AM

Yes, it is a gift. It just isn't a surprise. :)

Subject: RE: BS: Unwanted Christmas presents
From: BexMcK
Date: 06 Jan 07 - 03:36 AM

I'm still laughing at the thought of receiving a tranquility fountain.. my son's fishtank has exactly the same effect on me! My mother and aunt send me the kind of shirts they would pick for themselves-- not particularly offensive on women in their 60s, but really not my scene-- and my mind goes on some kind of weird psycho trip about them trying to turn me into them, which is the whole reason I moved away in the first place, and...well...okay, it's probably best not to go there.

I agree with Seamus-- part of the joy of giving/receiving presents is the surprise element-- so placing a specific order seems to defeat the purpose. It's kind of like asking people just to give you money, which seems cold-hearted.

Thinking about it, it seems to me that the transatlantic thing is part of the problem. Maybe they think that with 4000 miles between us, love is too hard to express in more mundane day to day ways-- phone calls, chitchat, sharing time with each other (e-time, obviously, for the most part, although we do fly over most years). Anyone else ever had this problem?

Subject: RE: BS: Unwanted Christmas presents
From: KT
Date: 06 Jan 07 - 03:39 AM

Right, Seamus. More like an exchange of goods. (or not so goods, as the case may be) Makes one want to rethink the whole practice.

Now, while it's still fresh in everyone's mind, is a good time to send out a note saying, it's been fun, but let's not do this again next year. Instead, how 'bout __________________and offer suggestions for creative ways to do the gift thing. (like a favorite charity or organization, or agreeing on gifts of time or talent to others who need it, etc.)

Subject: RE: BS: Unwanted Christmas presents
From: autolycus
Date: 06 Jan 07 - 05:33 AM

If givers of presents are expecting to see you wearing their presents, that, in itself, is NOT nice.

    once I've given a present, what happens with it thereafter isn't my business.

    My girlfriend's family hAS HAD THE (sorry) idea of a wishes book. All thru the year whenever there's something someone would like, it gets put in their section of the wishes book (a loose-leaf folder with dividers works well). Then come any present-giving time,it can be organised for everyone to get what they want. Anyone can ask for "a surprise/surprises" too, to deal with an obvious objection.


   BexMcG,when you've gently tried to steer your transatlantic relations in the right direction, what did they say?






       Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: Unwanted Christmas presents
From: CET
Date: 06 Jan 07 - 07:40 AM

I'm with WYSIWYG and Seamus on this one. You should say nothing to your relatives. Accept the gifts in the spirit in which they were given, and then give the clothes away to charity.

Your family in the U.S. aren't doing you any harm by sending you Christmas presents you don't really like. If the hints aren't working, just live with the situation. You could very well hurt their feelings if you try the blunt approach.

Edmund

Subject: RE: BS: Unwanted Christmas presents
From: *daylia*
Date: 06 Jan 07 - 08:37 AM

As a private music teacher, every year I graciously receive Christmas gifts from students -- mostly musical Christmas decorations (ie pretty little golden music notes -- I think I have enough of those to hang an entire Beethoven sonata on the tree by now!), musical Christmasy coffee-cups (look kinda funny in July, but hey they do work all year!), soap/lotion/bath powder gift sets (still working on using up/giving away the ones I received two years ago -- the rest take up an entire shelf in the bathroom cabinet), and CHOCOLATE till it's coming out the yin-yang.

Now, don't get me wrong -- I LOVE chocolate!   But this year I received at least a dozen chocolate gifts -- big boxes of the finest Belgian truffles, homemade chocolates from the best local candymakers, tins of homeade fudge, oversized decorative cups filled with fancy flavoured hot chocolate mixes and candied spoons cemented together so tightly you can't get them apart without tearing them open and making a mess, etc etc.

By the time I bade my last student happy holidays this year, my longest kitchen counter was literally overflowing with chocolate.

It was truly a scary sight.

20 years ago I didn't see it as a problem. I'd have been more than delighted to indulge in a pure chocolate diet for weeks on end, and my body would have dealt with it just fine (*more or less*). But today? HA! I simply cannot do that to myself! And my sisters and friends are getting older and wiser too -- they really don't appreciate being tempted by the oh-so-predictable chocolate overload at Christmas anymore.   :-(

So, what to do about this predicatable plethora of student gifts???

I've tried not sending thank-you cards -- in fact I haven't sent one for years! -- but that's yet to have the desired effect.

I've been considering sending a letter home next year, asking students please NOT to give me gifts at Christmas. The "gift" I appreciate most is attentiveness, honest effort and dedicated practice anyway!

But I don't want to sound ungrateful, nor do I want to disappoint the little ones who obviously enjoy giving the teacher a Christmas present. So I guess I'll be stuck dealing with an overload of student Xmas gifts until I retire.

What an absolutely terrible problem, eh?   

;-)

Lemme know if anyone's short on chocolate out there --- or desperately needs a few golden treble-clefs-on-a-string, or some very nice eucalyptus shower gel. Or perhaps a bottle (or ten) of fragrant 'eau-de-toilette???

Subject: RE: BS: Unwanted Christmas presents
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 06 Jan 07 - 11:49 AM

*Note to Liz the Squeak: contact daylia.

Subject: RE: BS: Unwanted Christmas presents
From: wysiwyg
Date: 06 Jan 07 - 11:51 AM

And hey, unwanted Christmas presents of just about ANY kind can be donated to the Mudcat Auction.....

I bet Daylia's inventory could be pretty popular!

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Unwanted Christmas presents
From: GUEST,pattyClink
Date: 06 Jan 07 - 12:33 PM

Daylia, another option is maybe collect all the ones that don't scream "music teacher only", unopened, and ask somebody who works at a nursing home to pass them out, say Christmas Eve, to the patients who could really use a little gift.

Subject: RE: BS: Unwanted Christmas presents
From: Genie
Date: 07 Jan 07 - 01:07 AM

I agree that it's neither necessary nor kind to tell the gift givers that their gift was in any way unwelcome or inappropriate (wrong color, already got one, wrong size, whatever). And I thoroughly approve of:
a) "white elephant" exchanges at next holiday
b) donations to charity*
c) "regifting" -- i.e., passing it on, unabashedly, to "the right recipient" (someone for whom the size, color, etc., is appropriate) later on.

My friends and family all have an understanding that regifting is a fine, noble, and respectful thing to do.   We recognize that "one person's trash is another's treasure."


But the best solution, to me, is this one:

Liz the Squeak said: "Ask them to buy you a llama - several charities like Oxfam and Tearfund run schemes whereby you can buy a llama or a goat or some trees and send them to a village in Africa or India in your name.

I was toying with the idea of a llama this year but I found it was so cute I wanted to keep him myself!

LTS"

Cute llamas aside, most of my circle of adult friends and family several years ago discussed "unplugging the Christmas machine," complete with bringing up the issue of good money being spent on unneeded, unwanted, and ill-fitting items.   We agreed that making donations via the Alternative Gift Market or people's favorite charities, in their names, is a great way to express the Christmas spirit and give a valuable gift that will in no way go to waste.   It's worked out beautifully.

Genie :-D










* though if it's a really nice item of a certain type, e.g., perfume or cosmetics, you might as well throw it into the trash as give it to most thrift shops, because the package will be opened, sampled, and otherwise 'trashed' before it finds the right buyer

Subject: RE: BS: Unwanted Christmas presents
From: KT
Date: 07 Jan 07 - 03:30 AM

for another solution....Heifer International

Subject: RE: BS: Unwanted Christmas presents
From: BexMcK
Date: 07 Jan 07 - 06:34 AM

This year, I sent all my relatives a story that my 4-year old son and I made up together and asked them to illustrate it (there are several artists among them and it's the kind of project I know they would enjoy working on together during their traditional Christmas gathering in Colorado). I also informed them that I wasn't sending any other presents but had made a donation to Oxfam. I had hoped that perhaps these efforts would be enough of a hint that they were not required to send presents, but I don't think subtlety is a strong point in my family...

I can empathise with Daylia... too much of a good thing.   I think in that situation, you are perfectly entitled to say politely to students/parents that you'd rather they simply gave you a card.

Thanks for all your tips and suggestions... I'll let you know what happens next year!
BexMcK

Subject: RE: BS: Unwanted Christmas presents
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 07 Jan 07 - 07:47 PM

Daylia... if you really can't cope with all that chocolate and feel the need to 'regift'... then I'm pretty sure I can find a good home for it all.

Except the white chocolate.. I'm not so multi-cultural when it comes to chocolate!

LTS