BS: Visiting at Hospitals

Subject: RE: BS: Visiting at Hospitals
From: Slag
Date: 24 Jan 07 - 03:20 AM

My deepest sympathies. These are the hardest things and perhaps the hardest on you. Listen to your friend. She will tell you what she needs. An ear to hear, a hand to hold. If she asks for spiritual advice I would hope you would respond and if you feel inadequate that you would find someone who could impart what she seeks. Just being there is the main thing, the most important thing.

Subject: RE: BS: Visiting at Hospitals
From: Ebbie
Date: 24 Jan 07 - 02:43 AM

We hoomans tend to be a blind lot, nicht wahr?

Subject: RE: BS: Visiting at Hospitals
From: GUEST,kt
Date: 24 Jan 07 - 02:42 AM

I love that, Eb. Really, I do.

KT

Subject: RE: BS: Visiting at Hospitals
From: Ebbie
Date: 24 Jan 07 - 02:28 AM

When my brother (who has since died) was diagnosed with non-Hodgkins he said that it puzzled him how differently people talked to him, and he finally figured out what it was. They were acting as though he was facing something that they were not.

Subject: RE: BS: Visiting at Hospitals
From: Rasener
Date: 24 Jan 07 - 02:23 AM

Susan
When I had cancer and was in hospital, I refused to see anybody including family. I was so emotionally upset, I needed time to work things out for myself. I was fine with having the nurses around who were used to these situations and I felt I could have normal conversations with them.

The last thing I needed was anybody coming to see me, not knowing what to say, looking at their watches as if to say "I wish I wasn't here" and then blurting out "you will be alright".

So I gueess if you have to go and visit,give them a nice smile, hold their hand. That will mean more than accidentally coming out with some rubbish, that you didn't intend to say. I would suspect this person knows what is happening and may well want to talk about it. If so let her talk. If possible ask how you can be of help when you visit her each time etc. Don't outstay your welcome.

I remember visiting my father in law in Holland, when he was on his last legs. As I was leaving (and even though I knew I would never see him again) I blurted out "see you again",and he relpied "No you won't". I felt such a jerk. He wanted to die than go through the last days. I almost helped him, but just managed to stop myself and I felt so bad when I left the hospital.Never really forgiven myself for not helping him. That was the last time I saw him.

Les

Subject: RE: BS: Visiting at Hospitals
From: SINSULL
Date: 23 Jan 07 - 08:34 PM

Years ago, when Aunt May was in a nursing home, I brought her some recordings of Gay Nineties tunes. She sang out loud and long, so happy to hear the music she loved.
Same day, her neighbor went potty alone (it was forbidden) and fell between the toilet and the wall. They had to remove the toilet to get her out.
Stream of conciousness - sorry.

Subject: RE: BS: Visiting at Hospitals
From: katlaughing
Date: 23 Jan 07 - 07:46 PM

Take a favourite book or two of poems or whatever you think might interest her, even fav. childhood stories/poems. If neither of you can think of what to say or do, you can always offer to read to her. Sometimes that can be so soothing, or take your autharp and just strum. I haven't read Art Buchwald's book, "Too soon to say goodbye" but I intend to and I would imagine it would be a good one to have/read in a situation such as this. Just holding hands and saying nothing is okay, too.:-) (I know you know that.*smile*)

Subject: RE: BS: Visiting at Hospitals
From: Amergin
Date: 23 Jan 07 - 07:32 PM

I wouldn't try to lie to her or give false hope, no matter how well meaning...In my experience, when some one is dying just knowing that everything they leave behind will be taken care of is comfort enough....

Is she the praying type? maybe discuss God with her...and pray with her as well.

Subject: RE: BS: Visiting at Hospitals
From: Bee
Date: 23 Jan 07 - 03:20 PM

Listen if she wants to talk, and talk if she wants to listen. My aunt wanted to hear old stories of her childhood home, and she clutched the bunch of narcissus I brought her and smelled them often; they were associated with good memories. My father wanted to be reassured that his wife would be looked after. She will let you know what she wants, and you'll be able to support her - we are all stronger than we know.

Subject: RE: BS: Visiting at Hospitals
From: LilyFestre
Date: 23 Jan 07 - 12:46 PM

I don't know what the "right" thing to say would be, I'm not sure there is a right thing to say. I'm sure she will be glad to see you and that in itself is a wonderful gift.

Recently a dear family friend died after a very long battle with cancer. Towards the end she had upwards of 30-40 visitors a day. When Anne could still speak, she'd say, "I love my company. I love my company." The family thought it might be too much (I would have thought so too) but she insisted that she loved her company and she wanted them there and so it was.

One of the things that she particulary enjoyed was having her favorite songs sung to her. When she could still speak (albeit very softly in her weakened condition), she sang or hummed along. When she could no longer speak, her eyes spoke for her. When that was difficult, she squeezed hands...eyes closed, mostly unresponsive.

So...in answer to your post, I'm not supporting anyone right now. I do know it's heartbreaking and if you have posted about who I think you have, I'm imagining there will be a bit of joy wrapped up in there too..she's been a trooper and I imagine she will be no matter what comes. Let her talk, you'll know what to say or do when you are there. Isn't there a passage in the Bible where Jesus sends his men out and tells them that He will guide them in what to say and do? I don't know if that will help you, but it does for me when I find myself in uncomfortable but loving situations (hospitals, funeral visits, after funeral visits). I"m not trying to tell you what to do and I know you are much more familiar with those kinds of things than I am...it's just something that has helped me and maybe will help you too.

Michelle

Subject: RE: BS: Visiting at Hospitals
From: Ebbie
Date: 23 Jan 07 - 12:41 PM

Oh- and Khatt, best wishes for you in your new life.

Subject: RE: BS: Visiting at Hospitals
From: Peace
Date: 23 Jan 07 - 12:37 PM

Listen. Lots.

Subject: RE: BS: Visiting at Hospitals
From: wysiwyg
Date: 23 Jan 07 - 12:37 PM

That being the case would it be a little hypocritical to ask that you & any other faith-based 'Catters remember Pia in their prayers?

First, Alsec, a Christian doesn't want to respond judgementally, but compassionately (and so would likely pray whether asked or not). Second, there is a layer in all of us where words and logic don't operate as well as trust and feeling operate. Mudcatters here have prayed for many an agnostic or atheist, with their full approval, because at some level I think we intuit that support is support is support, whatever the mode of delivery. Third, it's good to see you in these parts again, and yes, I do remember our chats.

I guess I ought to post a disclaimer at this point-- many of you know I coordinate a prayer chain largely made up of Mudcatters, via email. I didn't post this thread because I was fishing for prayer requests, though of course if anyone wants the prayer chain notified of requests here, a PM to me about it will result in word going out in those parts. I won't assume that a post here is a request for action there.


Thanks for the encouragement about today. They're ALL hard, in their own unique way-- situations like this-- but I feel singularly unprepared for this particular one.

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Visiting at Hospitals
From: Alec
Date: 23 Jan 07 - 12:33 PM

Beautifully put Ebbie. That is a very eloquent expression of what I meant to say.

Subject: RE: BS: Visiting at Hospitals
From: Catherine Jayne
Date: 23 Jan 07 - 12:30 PM

It's always hard to visit someone in hospital especially someone who has a terminal illness. I wouldn't worry about coming up with the right responses at the right times though. I am sure your friend will want to sound ideas and thoughts adn generally have someone there to listen. Its often the friendly ear that a friend has that perhaps a family member doesn't.

On Saturday we travelled up to York to see my Grandad who's not too well at the moment but due to complications I couldn't get to see him until Sunday afternoon. He's in ICU and although I was prepared by my Dad what it wold be like I was prepared for the effect it would have on me and how emotional I would actually find it. I found it difficult to sit and talk to him even though the nurse said that he could hear me and knew what was going on and may even be able to respond. I stayed for about 20 minutes in the end and spoke about our journey up from London, my new house, the baby, and the weather. All indications now are that he's doing well adn should be out of ICU in the next couple of days and on a normal ward.

I'm sending lots of good thoughts and positive energy to you and your friend.

Khatt x

Subject: RE: BS: Visiting at Hospitals
From: Ebbie
Date: 23 Jan 07 - 12:28 PM

From my perspective, I don't think it is hypocritical in the least. Whether or not you believe in prayer, as in communitcation with God, you still recognize that thought, itself, is the beginning of everything, and concentrated, focused thought must be powerful indeed.

I wish all the best of everything today. May this be a happy day.

Subject: RE: BS: Visiting at Hospitals
From: Alec
Date: 23 Jan 07 - 12:12 PM

A Pen Pal of my Wife who lives in Germany is also undergoing Chemo Susan,, gives me some understanding of your situation.
I am myself labelled,by some, as an "Adult Care Provider" though I prefer the word "Husband". Anyway good wishes to all who are in this situation though I am fully aware how inadequate a response that is.
You pray & I (as you know) don't.That being the case would it be a little hypocritical to ask that you & any other faith-based 'Catters
remember Pia in their prayers?

Subject: BS: Visiting at Hospitals
From: wysiwyg
Date: 23 Jan 07 - 11:57 AM

Today it's my turn to go see a sick friend at the hospital. She has lymphoma and is no longer in remission. She could not tolerate the recent attempt to resume chemo, and she's also running consecutive infections so it's unlikely she will be able to try an alternative chemo cocktail..... damn, damn, damn!

She has started to talk that talk about the end.... I'm sure she will bring it up today and I have NO idea what I will have to offer in response. I know all the RIGHT responses, of course, but will I think of them at all?

Of course it reminds me of many of our dear Mudcatters' struggles, and it made me wonder-- beneath the sparkling fun and liveliness around Mudcat threads at the moment-- who else is sick, or supporting someone sick?

~Susan