BS: Joke thread for 2024

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Jan 24 - 12:38 PM

Heard Doddy saying this on the wireless when we were on holiday in Criccieth in 1965: "What a beautiful day! What a beautiful day for jumping naked into a supermarket trolley and shouting, 'How about THIS for a special offer!'"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Geoff Wallis
Date: 01 Jan 24 - 09:56 AM

It's always wise to check Snopes.

Birdwatchers call each other

As penance, here's some Ken Dodd gags.

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome, it started off badly but by the end I really liked it.

I used to think I was marvellous in bed until I discovered that all my girlfriends suffered from asthma.

I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 01 Jan 24 - 09:41 AM

Wouldn't be surprised.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Jan 24 - 09:26 AM

I heard that that was actually a true story, gillymor. Names different, of course!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 01 Jan 24 - 09:14 AM

Just seen in RISKS Digest:

[...] generative modeling [ie AI] is now capable of doing what used
to be done by hand faster than when it was done by hand. This is
improving flood hazard prediction. I would add to that prediction:
flood insurance premiums are likely to rise. Umbrella disclaimer,

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 01 Jan 24 - 08:40 AM

That's disturbing, Don.

Each evening bird-lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl. One night, an owl called back to him. For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation."
Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next-door neighbor.
"My husband spends his nights... calling out to owls," she said.
"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Dec 23 - 09:24 PM

A young girl brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings, his general scruffiness.

The girl's mum says quietly to her daughter, “Darling, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”

“Oh, for goodness sake, mum," says the daughter, "If he wasn’t nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 31 Dec 23 - 02:13 PM

blue fish
red fish
dead fish
blue fish

The eagles who soar through the sky are at rest
including creatures who crawl, run and creep
I know you're not thirsty. That's bullshit. Stop lying
Lie the fuck down, my darling, and sleep.


The kittens nestle close to their mothers now.
The lambs have laid down with the sheep.
You're cozy and warm in your bed, my dear
Now go the fuck to sleep.

Dr. Neuss

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 31 Dec 23 - 12:36 PM

I asked my blonde lady friend why she had named her dogs 'Rolex' and 'Timex' 'Helloooo' she said, 'isn't it obvious....they're watch dogs'!!

Subject: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Dec 23 - 12:16 PM

As the hedge fund manager gets out of his brand-new Porsche, a truck goes racing by, taking off the door. “My Porsche! My beautiful silver Porsche is ruined!” he screams.

A police officer on the scene shakes his head in disgust. “I can’t believe you,” he says. “You’re so focused on your possessions that you didn’t even realize your left arm was torn off when the truck hit you.”

The hedge fund manager looks down in absolute horror. “Oh, no!” he cries. “My Rolex!”


(Cheers, RD!)