Double Entendre Anyone?

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Chris Green
Date: 22 Sep 04 - 07:30 PM

Confucius say "Man with hole in pocket feeling cocky all day!"

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From:
Date: 22 Sep 04 - 07:13 PM

Re: Jasmine

I see now where an explanation might be in order, since it is not a universal term. Even my wife and several of my best friends didn't pick up on it right away.

"Jazz Man?"

"No - I play classical!"

Cheers - Oregon Yankee

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From:
Date: 10 Sep 04 - 05:06 AM

Foolestroupe, Sorry about Happy! It'll all grow back in a couple weeks.

While staying in Portland, Ore. this week, went into a local restaurant for some late night tea (because coffee would have kept me awake all night). Asking the waitress what kinds were there, the choice became Green tea, their brand being of the Jasmine type rather than the (I forget what it's called) other kind. Okay, fine - - great.

Next night, same place. Waitress recognized and asked,

"Well hi again - - Jasmine?"

"Hi! No, I play in the Symphony."

Cheers - - Oregon Yankee

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 03 Sep 04 - 05:59 AM

Happy's cut off!!

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 03 Sep 04 - 05:18 AM

ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz......

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From:
Date: 03 Sep 04 - 03:24 AM

Haven't heard from anyone lately - - has the whole world gone asleep? Hello out there!

Cheers - - - Oregon Yankee

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From:
Date: 30 Aug 04 - 06:13 PM

Wow! Must've been a hell of a strict regime for a school kid to have to go through - I thought the dark ages were over with!

Back in the seventies, a bar I used to go to in Seattle was frequented by several after-concert Seattle Symphony members - and since I belonged to a different orchestra (Seattle had 18 Sym. Orchs. at the time, some professional, some not.), we all were friends and had plenty to talk about. One of the SSO Cellists came in for the golden brew, and told me that they had just peformed Beethoven's Fifth Symphony.

My response was supposed to mean something like, "Super! How was it?", or "Was it good - or was it great?!" - but the way it came out elicited the answer I least expected:

"That's great, Bill - - how did it go?"

Bill avidly sang out, "Ta - Ta - Ta - TAAAAAAHH!"

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Michael
Date: 30 Aug 04 - 05:08 PM

Oregon Yankee

Believe me we got'The Meaning of Life' in those assemblies. The first assembly in September began with Genesis chapter 1 and it went on, and on and on, even the non-believers were praying before year end.

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From:
Date: 29 Aug 04 - 08:32 PM

Back up to Michael:

That story of yours would have been a perfect John Cleese line in the school scene of Monty Python's "The Meaning of Life"! Heh heh!

Cheers! - - the Oregon Yankee

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Celtaddict
Date: 29 Aug 04 - 10:36 AM

A guitar playing, singing friend of mine at gigs announces from time to time, "Any requests? I'm here to make you happy with lips and fingers."
Another friend plays the bassoon and has a related line involving the big instrument between his legs but I seem to have repressed that one.

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Michael
Date: 29 Aug 04 - 10:31 AM

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.

True one: I worked in a school where the Headmaster took assembly every morning and after the religious bit he did his daily rant about behaviour. On the day after a window had been broken by a cricket game he went on and on and on about not playing with your balls near the building, and if you must play with them make sure you stayed on the tennis courts. And 'Why are you sniggering boy? It's causing too much damage and that's no laughing matter'.

There were no staff left in the hall by the time he had finished!

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 29 Aug 04 - 10:16 AM

So you're a cowboy then, Lindsay?

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: GUEST,Lindsay
Date: 29 Aug 04 - 09:16 AM

How to make a lass "ooh" with two fingers...

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From:
Date: 29 Aug 04 - 12:44 AM

Confucius say:

> Seven day nonstop honeymoon make whole weak.
> Man with athletic fingers make broad jump.
> Woman with blond hair have black hair, by cracky.
> Virgin much like balloon - one prick, all gone.

These I remember all the way back as a tenth grader in 1962! And it is true - our principal, as did many others in the north end of my home town of Seattle, put a ban on Confucius jokes beause they were "morally corruptive" and not "in keeping with" the kind of thing we "fine, upstanding young men" ought to be party to (and party we did - Confucius jokes took the town by storm!!). Caught once or twice, remandatory trip to the principal's office. Third time, three-day suspension.

Cheers - - the Yankee

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: GUEST,.gargoyle
Date: 28 Aug 04 - 07:30 PM

The quweer Irish couple:

Patrick Fitzgerald

AND

Gerald Fitzpatrick

Sincerely,
Gargoyle

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Joe_F
Date: 28 Aug 04 - 07:11 PM

For dogged persistence in sleazy double entendre, "The Gruen Watch Song" (which Joe Offer was kind enough to post a link to) is hard to beat. Does anyone know the tune?

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: GUEST,eddie haskell
Date: 28 Aug 04 - 02:31 PM

There was a fellow who did the college cicuit back in
the 70's- he wrote a song called "Eddie Haskell" and
one of the lines was "good evening Mrs. Clevage- How's
the Beaver?"
He also had a song about getting a vasectomy,
and a line in the chorus was "All the juice, no seeds!"
And what about that Norah Jones tune ("Don't know why I
didn't come!")

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: frogprince
Date: 28 Aug 04 - 10:26 AM

"have you got the scrolls?"?? Either you have to "speak brit" to get this one, or it's my turn to be dense at the moment. Somebody give me a clue, pleeze?

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: M'Grath of Altcar
Date: 28 Aug 04 - 07:40 AM

From a play what Ernie Wise wrote........

Wise:                Have you got the scrolls?
Morecambe:    No I always walk like this.

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: GUEST,Lindsay
Date: 28 Aug 04 - 07:14 AM

What's the difference between:

a bad marksman and a constipated owl?
A bad marksman shoots but can't hit

A trapeze and a truncheon?
A trapeze is for cunning stunts

The seaside and a brand new coin?
A brand new coin is shiny bright

A street seller and a dachshund?
A street seller bawls his wares on the pavement

A pub and a bridegroom?
A pub has beery walls

more when I think of them...!

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 28 Aug 04 - 12:10 AM

Mudcat thread title

HULL SMOKING CLUB - TRIPS OUT

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 28 Aug 04 - 12:02 AM

Was driving home and saw this sign up out side a Hotel/Motel...

40 POKIES
MOTEL

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Joe Offer
Date: 27 Aug 04 - 09:59 PM

Be sure to see The Gruen Watch Song, posted by Joe F.
-Joe Offer-

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From:
Date: 26 Aug 04 - 02:24 AM

Said the radio talk-show-hostess to her groom on their wedding night,

"Now that you have brought it up, your point is well taken!"

Cheers!

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 26 Aug 04 - 01:15 AM

If you keep the soap in the water long enough, it will get smaller.

Ah, that's the solution to my problem :-) - no more baths for me!

Confusicus say: Man who go to sleep with hard problem, wake up with solution in hand!

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: GUEST,marthabees
Date: 25 Aug 04 - 09:41 PM

frogprince,
I'm usually a bit more ...ahem... on the ball than this.
Thanks for the explanation. I do believe I've got it now.

And I'd like to add: Anna Russell is a bit bawdy in her opera spoofs. Just a thought.
M

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: frogprince
Date: 25 Aug 04 - 09:29 PM

ah, marthabees, your mind just isn't nasty enough; it is kinda subtle, tho; I think the implication is that you can "where" a bar of
soap down if you keep rubbing at any particular spot; then again, maybe I'm missing this one myself...

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: GUEST,marthabees
Date: 25 Aug 04 - 08:54 PM

It took me a minute to get this (and what a howler!):

"Hello Rodney." "Hello Charles." "How's your bottom?" "Shut up!" "So's mine. Must be the weather."

But I'm still don't get this one:

Or two nuns in a bath. One says "Where's the soap?" The other says "Yes, doesn't it?"

Please translate??
Martha

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Joe_F
Date: 25 Aug 04 - 05:30 PM

"No, no, nurse! I said to *prick* his *boil*."

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: frogprince
Date: 25 Aug 04 - 04:24 PM

What's the difference between an epileptic farmer picking corn and a hooker with diarria? The farmer shucks between fits...

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Chris Green
Date: 25 Aug 04 - 12:28 PM

What's the difference between an Ofsted inspector and a cosmetic surgeon? One tucks features whereas the other...

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From:
Date: 25 Aug 04 - 08:33 AM

Hi guys - - have we created a monster???

Cheers - the damn Yankee in Oregon

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: pavane
Date: 25 Aug 04 - 08:07 AM

Confucius say,

Woman on Jockey's lap get red hot tip

Foolish man give wife grand piano for birthday, wise man give wife upright organ

Woman on judge's lap get honorable discharge

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From:
Date: 25 Aug 04 - 08:00 AM

Hi Bentley,

Okay, good. not exactly a Double-E, but a classic in it's own right! In the U.S. we had such a big run on "Confucius say" jokes back in the 1960s that some high schools put a ban on them (Administrators never learned to have any fun! Most admin's. were long dead before their time.) Are Confucius jokes coming back into style?

Confucius say, "Man who lay woman: - -

- on ground have piece on Earth!"
- on hillside not on level!"

He also allegedly said, "Man who see woman strip naked aboard airplane and lie on her back experience hairy crack-up!"

Cheers!

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Bentley
Date: 25 Aug 04 - 05:49 AM

Confucius he say "woman runs faster with skirt up than man with trousers down". Any good?

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From:
Date: 25 Aug 04 - 02:41 AM

A generation of houseflies decided to do something for entertainment besides the usual run of "fly stuff" and adopted themselves a national sport. Fly Drag Racing became so popular that the entire world of flies swarmed over to participate.

        There were vastly numbered trillions of entrants, and it became quite the job to prove who the winners were, so a two-billion strong panel of judges was elected and each fly was given a stopwatch to verify the ETs of countless contestants. What can be said about the judges and their stopwatches?

        Flies time when they're having fun!

(Would a fly without wings be called a "walk"?)

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Celtaddict
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 09:28 PM

What's the difference between a hematologist and a urologist?
The hematologist pricks your finger.

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Juan P-B
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 06:54 PM

What's the difference....

.....A baby and a seagull?
One flits along the shore..

.... Plastic surgery and an OFSTED inspection?
One tucks up the features...

.... A mustard footbath and a bodhran player?
One bucks up the feet

Hasta
BFG

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Joe_F
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 05:47 PM

What's the difference between a barmaid in the daytime & in the nighttime?
In the daytime, she's fair & buxom.

What's the difference between a church & a bathtub?
In church, you have hope in your soul.

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Sky-Coyote
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 03:55 PM

Hello Everyone,
How about the classic line from Victoria Spivey and Lonnie Johnson's
duet of Tooth-Ace Blues Pt1&2 from the mid 20's-"You thrill me when you drill me." This lyric was also later used in "Long John Blues" by Dinah Washington many years later.
Enjoy, Sky-Coyote the Jazzin' Hobo.

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Chris Green
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 12:03 PM

That last one was terrible! If I were running this forum I'd whip it out immediately!

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: GUEST,Larry K
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 11:24 AM

My favorite is from the Kinks song Lola-   "well I'm not the worlds most passionate man but I know what I am and I'm glad I'm a man and so is Lola"

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: GUEST,Lindsay
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 11:02 AM

My father has a sheet-music book with the lovely title "Six Wedding Pieces For Organ"

He was a classical guitar tutor, and once showed me a book entitled, "Bach At The Beginning" - to which he had added, "Miaow At The End"

What about the song, "If I Said You Had A Beautiful Body Would You Hold It Against Me"

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Fiolar
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 08:44 AM

Without checking through all the postings I don't know if this one has already been done. In the TV comedy series "The Thin Blue Line" starring Rowan Atkinson there was one scene where the CID officer felt that the blame for a particular problem might fall unfairly on him with the statement to Rowan - "Your cockup. My ass". How it slipped passed the BBC censors, I'll never know.

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: pavane
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 02:13 AM

Fanny Craddock was mentioned above. The 1960's BBC comedy program 'Beyond our Ken' (with Kenneth Horne and Kenneth Williams) had a cook named Fanny Haddock on the 'panel' for their send-up of Juke Box Jury (As well as pop star 'Ricky Livid')

Typical of the comments

'If you haven't listened to the Bartered Bride, you don't know which side your Bride is bartered on'

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: GUEST,Tony
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 12:42 AM

I remember a couple of songs from the North of England which probably qualify.

One sung by the Oldham Tinkers about John Willy's 'orse: "between the pillars on the Town Hall steps John Willy showed his 'orse" etc

Then in another Tinkers one "the freezer collapsed and she fell on her ice and by gum she were cool to me then". You have to say ice with a Lancashire accent to get that one.

Another one was the tale of how an old man's rooster attacked an old lady's donkey which concludes "I think things have come to a terrible pass when you can't keep you cock from an old lady's ass'. Not sure if it's in the DB; I should look.

Then there was the story about the retired conductor with a dog called Grieg because all it ever did was pee agin t'suite (Peer Gynt Suite)

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Lil Dog Turpy
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 09:54 PM

At a recent musical get together, my brother asked the piper what sort of pipes they were ... "Flemish", "I can imagine but I meant where do they come from" !

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From:
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 08:26 PM

I detect a majority of British (Or Austr?) input on this website - hope you don't mind, I'm a damn Yankee in Oregon, USA. I'm not sure how your "defenders" operate over on that side, but over here a popular one remains:

What's the difference between an attorney and a catfish?

Well, one is a scum-seeking bottom feeder, and the other is a fish!

Cheers!

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 11:19 AM

I love good "clean" jokes.

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From:
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 09:15 AM

Didn't see you at the International Janitors' Convention - - it was a sweeping success!