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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: pavane Date: 04 Nov 08 - 04:24 AM (One for the folks at Blackmore) There was a young lady from Ongar Who had it away with a conga When asked how it felt She said that it smelt But was just like a man, only longa |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: pavane Date: 04 Nov 08 - 04:20 AM TO:GUEST,an artist shafted by bulmer If you wish to continue a discussion, perhaps you should consider becoming a member (it's free and confidential) and can then communicate by private message (PM) if necessary to the various members who are following this topic. |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: pavane Date: 04 Nov 08 - 04:17 AM TO:GUEST,an artist shafted by bulmer Hi, there are several message threads here on the subject, to which I have made a very small contribution, suggestions only. It is better to post to the thread where you found the relevant message. But in reply, I don't think anyone has yet made any progress in either obtaining royalties or recovering the rights to their recordings. It seems that you will need very deep pockets if you want to take legal action, even though there MAY be a case. Sorry for the bad news. |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: theleveller Date: 04 Nov 08 - 03:22 AM There was a young lady called Claire Had incredibly dense pubic hair Her boyfriend, called Jim, Never did find her quim And said it felt just like fucking a bear. There once was a lady called Drever Had a most incredible beaver This remarkable twat Had teeth like a rat, Cut down trees and built dams on the reever A striptease artist from Bude Would dance with a snake in the nude It would slip down her front Put its head up her c**t And she'd say,"Oooh, that really feels gude". |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: alanabit Date: 03 Nov 08 - 01:25 PM Young Hamlet thought uncle a traitor For having it off with his mater To revenge Dad or not That's the gist of the plot And he did - nine soliloquies later. (Not one of my own, I regret. I can't recall the name of the author). |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: bubblyrat Date: 03 Nov 08 - 12:48 PM Here's one I wrote earlier : A young Belfast sailor named Sid, Tried to bugger himself with a fid :- He smeared it with lard, And sat down on it hard, But it split him in half ( so it did). |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: theleveller Date: 03 Nov 08 - 12:11 PM A well-endowed fellow called Stark Swan nude in the sea for a lark Till some mischievous pollocks Devoured his bollocks And his dick was consumed by a shark |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: theleveller Date: 03 Nov 08 - 11:02 AM There was a young fellow named Tucker Who, instructing a novice cocksucker, Said, "Don't blow out your lips Like an elephant's hips; The boys like it best when you pucker. From the depths of the crypt at St Giles Came a scream that resounded for miles. Said the vicar, "Good gracious! Has Father Ignatius Forgotten the Bishop has piles? |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,Fifer Date: 03 Nov 08 - 10:56 AM Our Plumbers new bathroom creation immediately caused a sensation! In the wink of an eye, it would unzip your fly, and simulate master-bi-ation |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Dave Hunt Date: 03 Nov 08 - 07:46 AM I actually wrote some I use when trying out PA systems When I need to try out the PA I have to have something to say So what do I do I just say one two Not exactly original eh? When we're trying out the sound system Our engineer needs some assistin' To try out the mic We could say what we like But one-two,one-two takes some resistin' Why do I just say one two, one two, one two (fading echo effect!) When anything else would do, would do, would do I know it sounds boring But please stop your snoring I'm doing it just for the crew, the crew, the crew,the crew....... |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Dave Hunt Date: 03 Nov 08 - 07:36 AM A habit obscene and unsavoury Holds the Bishop of Wessex in slavery With maniac howls He deflowers young owls He keeps in an underground aviary Now the Bishop of Dunstan-St-Just Was consumed by a similar lust So he raped all those owls Those elegant fowls And a little green lizard what bust. |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: pavane Date: 03 Nov 08 - 04:15 AM A good many of the ones quoted can be found in the "Pan book of Limericks" c1972. As well as this subtle one: Young girls who frequent picture palaces Set no store by psychoanalysis Though the great Mr Freud Got rather annoyed They just cling to their old-fashioned fallacies (If you don't get the pun when reading it, try saying the last word aloud) |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Bill D Date: 02 Nov 08 - 10:03 PM My point has been proved...the Nantucket one was posted AGAIN in this very thread...as have the ones ABOUT meter & scansion. But thank you, one & all... |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Leadfingers Date: 02 Nov 08 - 09:05 PM The guy who wrote songs for our band Wrote Limericks that never totally scanned No matter how hard he tried Though he roamed far and near He never quite found the correct Rhyme or meter OR !! There was a young man named Magee Who was stung on the neck by a bee When asked if it hurt He said "No not at all ! It can do it again if it likes " |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Joe_F Date: 02 Nov 08 - 08:35 PM Aliter: An audacious young lady named Alice Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. They found her vagina In North Carolina -- Her rectum, in Buckingham Palace. There once was a certain Dalmatian, A canine of high social station. He was found in a ditch With -- I won't say a bitch, But -- a person of no reputation. A dumb meter-reader named Peter Used a candle to read a gas meter. The predictable leak Blew him into next week, And, as you can tell if you know anything about scansion, it also ruined the meter. |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Musket Date: 02 Nov 08 - 06:08 PM There was a young man of high station Found by a pious relation Making love in a ditch To I won't say a bitch But a woman of no reputation. I suppose where I come from, we would say she had a reputation rather than not having one? Tends to date the limerick somewhat... |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: trevek Date: 02 Nov 08 - 05:49 PM A sex-starved girl named Jill Used a dynamite stick for a thrill Twas in North Carolina they found her vagina And bits of her tits in Brazil There once was a man from Nantucket Whose dick was so long he could suck it. He said with a grin, As he wiped off his chin, If my ear was a c*nt I could f*ck it. |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Leadfingers Date: 02 Nov 08 - 03:19 PM Bil D - I CANT resist posting -: There was a young man from Japan Who'se Limericks never would scan# When they asked him why He made this reply I like to get as many words in the last line as ever I possibly can . |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,ben hayes, limerick rake 3 Date: 02 Nov 08 - 11:27 AM There was a man from Hongkong who's prick was extremely long one blistering day as he stood in bombay he fucked a whore in Ceylon! |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,ben hayes, limerick city (the homeof..) Date: 02 Nov 08 - 11:22 AM there was a man from knocklong, who's prick was amazingly strong, as he hammered the bum of a girl who was dumb she suddenly burst into song! |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Bill D Date: 02 Nov 08 - 10:38 AM What one learns from the many, many limerick threads is that there are about 27 common, well-known bawdy limericks....and they get posted over & over & over...with small variations. wait...maybe there's 31... One other thing one learns, is that some folks don't care much about keeping the meter very precise. (oh...and the one back in April, about 'farting the oboe part', is a short variation of a LONG one called "The Farter from Sparta", which is one of the most erudite creations in the genré.)(It's in the database, but MUCH expanded from the original, and with a bit less care given to precise meter and classical references) |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Midchuck Date: 02 Nov 08 - 09:07 AM I once saw a man on a bus with a T-shirt that said "*I* am the young man from Nantucket", but I missed the chance to ask him which he was. I have one of those shirts. Found at a yard sale years ago. I save it for formal occasions. Peter |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,benhayes, limerick - yes!!!!!!!!! Date: 02 Nov 08 - 07:37 AM a policeman's daughter from Louth longed for a cock hard and stout she tried masturbation to relieve her frustration but had worn all his batons out. |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Joe_F Date: 10 Apr 08 - 08:45 PM There was also a man from Nantucket Who went down to hell in a bucket. When asked to come out, He'd just sit there and shout "Up your arseholes, you buggers! and suck it!" I once saw a man on a bus with a T-shirt that said "*I* am the young man from Nantucket", but I missed the chance to ask him which he was. |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: The Sandman Date: 10 Apr 08 - 07:06 PM a young cleric from Ballydehob. had a willie that reached to his gob. he revealed his intentions to young girls at confession. while he rode on his dickey,and sobbed |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,Lighter Date: 10 Apr 08 - 06:33 PM Has anybody ever sung limericks with a chorus that refers to the city of Limerick? If so, what are the words and tune? |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Old Grizzly Date: 10 Apr 08 - 06:19 PM There was an old man from Wales who lived on gangrenous snails when he could get none of these he lived on green cheeze that he picked off his dick with his nails yakki da |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,Rich Date: 10 Apr 08 - 05:36 PM OK someone had to put this one in. I was hoping it would be someone else. There once was a man from Nantucket his dick was so long he could suck it he said with a grin as he wiped off his chin if my ear were a cunt I would fuck it |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Joe_F Date: 09 Apr 08 - 07:57 PM Limericks that have the first & last line the same (or ending the same) are sometimes called "learicks", because Edward Lear favored that scheme: There was an Old Man of Whitehaven, Who danced a quadrille with a raven; But they said, "It's absurd To encourage this bird!" So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven. |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,Bobby Zelmet Date: 09 Apr 08 - 05:24 PM Anyone ever come across this one? It's not very dirty or witty, but it's the very first limerick I heard when I was about 4 which is 56 years ago. The old lady next door told me it and she was from King's Lynn but living in Hull. There was a young lady from Spain She cocked her leg over a train, The train went fast And tickled her arse There was a young lady from Spain I seem to remember there were lots of children's limericks around then that repeated the first line at the end. |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Midchuck Date: 09 Apr 08 - 11:37 AM For those who have problems remembering lyrics: There was a young lady in Spain Who met with dishonor, again. And again, and again, And again, and again, And again, and again, and again. P. |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Bryn Pugh Date: 09 Apr 08 - 11:08 AM Scraping the barrel ? There was a young fellow called Rex Who was utterly useless at sex. His girl-friend, agape Said'I can't call that rape - De minimis non curat lex !' |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Bryn Pugh Date: 09 Apr 08 - 10:41 AM There was a young fellow named Dodd Who put his own mother in pod. He did it to spite her, the rotter, the blighter, The bugger, the arsehole, the sod. |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Bryn Pugh Date: 09 Apr 08 - 08:25 AM There once was a conjurer, Pauk Who performed his tricks in the hall. For his party trick He'd balance on his prick And then roll down the hall on one ball. |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: theleveller Date: 08 Apr 08 - 11:23 AM There was a young goucho called Bruno Who said, "There is one thing I do know: A woman is fine Small boys are divine But the llama is numero uno" |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Bryn Pugh Date: 08 Apr 08 - 11:13 AM Bert Hansell : aliter There was a young lady from Hitchin Scratching her crotch in the kitchen. Her mother said 'Rose You've the crabs, I suppose.' Rose said 'Yes, and the fuckers are itchin'!' |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Bryn Pugh Date: 08 Apr 08 - 11:04 AM A lady who lived at Throgmorton Had one long tit and one short 'un. As well as that She'd a big, hairy twat And could fart like a 500 Norton. (Norton - a British motor-cycle, 50s vintage.) |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Joe_F Date: 07 Apr 08 - 08:26 PM Geoff: Aliter: A lady lubricious and lewd Once stood in a queue in the nude, When a man down in front Hollered out "I smell ****" -- Just like that! Right out loud! Fucking rude! |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,Rich Date: 07 Apr 08 - 05:39 PM There once was a man from Rangoon Who was born 9 months too soon He hadn't the luck to be born by a fuck He was scraped off the sheets with a spoon |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,TJ in San Diego Date: 07 Apr 08 - 05:37 PM If you've followed the prodigal's way, And much to your father's dismay, Go forth with all speed, Oh, ye profligate seed, And sow your wild oats where ye may. A dying old lawyer's last act, Was behavior he could not redact. A child, from this coitus, In articulo mortis' Was his antepenultimate act! There was a young maid from Cape Cod, Who thought all babies came from God. But, it wasn't the Almighty, Who lifted her nightie, It was Roger the Lodger, by God! |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,The Mole Catcher's bawdy Apprentice Date: 07 Apr 08 - 03:05 PM There once was a lady named Cager, Who as the result of a wager, Consented to fart The entire oboe part Of Mozart's quartet in F-major. Charlotte (in the music room) |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,Jonny Sunshine Date: 07 Apr 08 - 03:02 PM I haven't laughed so much in ages.. Anyway: There was a young curate of Salisbury Whose manners were halisbury-scalisbury, He went about Hampshire Without any pampshire Till his vicar compelled him to walisbury (for the benefit of readers outside the UK, Salisbury is commonly abbrievated to "Sarum", and Hampshire to "Hants") |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Geoff Wallis Date: 07 Apr 08 - 02:17 PM There was a young lady called Jude Who appeared on the stage starkers nude. A man at the front Shouted out "cunt", Just like that, right out loud, bloody rude! |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Bat Goddess Date: 07 Apr 08 - 11:24 AM There was a young fellow named Fred Had a tool with a corkscrew-shaped head. He found, having hunted, A girl corkscrew-cunted, But, alas, with a Fred-reversed thread. My "hardware" limerick. I used to clerk in a small town hardware store (circa 1978-9) where I'd wear my "hardware" T-shirt -- "Hard lay, soft lay, laid as you want it -- Rockport Rope and Twine Company". Linn |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,Sue Allan Date: 07 Apr 08 - 10:19 AM When Titian was painting rose madder His model sat up on a ladder Her position to Titian Suggested coition So he popped up the ladder and had her. |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Bryn Pugh Date: 07 Apr 08 - 10:13 AM There was a young lady named Syd Who swore no man could give her a kid. But a brown-eyed Italian With balls like a stallion Could, and he would - and he did ! |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,BobL Date: 07 Apr 08 - 08:38 AM There was a young maid from Dundee Who was had by an ape up a tree. The result was most horrid, All arse and no forehead, Three balls and a purple goatee |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Bryn Pugh Date: 07 Apr 08 - 05:52 AM There was a young man of Calcutta Who went for a look in the gutter - But all he could see Was his wife's belly And the arse of the bloke who was up 'er. There was a young man from the Cape Who was fucked by a bloody huge ape. He yelled 'Get out, you fool - You've got a square tool Which is knocking me hole out of shape !' |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: pavane Date: 07 Apr 08 - 05:24 AM As can be seen above: The Limerick form is complex Its contents run chiefly to sex It burgeons with virgins and masculine urgins And swarms of erotic effex |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Seamus Kennedy Date: 07 Apr 08 - 12:50 AM A charming young vampire called Mabel Had menses remarkably stable; One night at full moon, She went down with a spoon, And drank herself under the table. Seamus |
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