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BS: Joke thread for 2025
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Subject: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 01 Jan 25 - 02:03 PM Happy new year. This is the successor to the 2024 joke thread. I'll update this thread once I can think of something worth saying. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Stilly River Sage Date: 01 Jan 25 - 06:35 PM I fear a lot of gallows humor will be popular this year. From this side of the pond it is difficult to think of anything funny at this point. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mrrzy Date: 01 Jan 25 - 08:10 PM How do trees get on the Internet? They log in. -Mrrzy, feeling thick as two planks |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 02 Jan 25 - 05:36 AM Here's an oldie- Two flies were perched on a cow pie when fly A broke wind. Fly B says,"Hey, gimme a break, I'm eating here." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Sandra in Sydney Date: 02 Jan 25 - 07:55 AM another oldie What sits on the bottom of the ocean & shakes? answer A nervous wreck |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mrrzy Date: 02 Jan 25 - 04:22 PM Sandra, one of my faves! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Sandra in Sydney Date: 03 Jan 25 - 03:00 AM it came from a book of kids jokes I read sometime this century (ie. when I was a very grown up person) & I've never forgotten it - it's the only joke I can tell without forgetting bits or fluffing it! One year our kid's traditional music workshop (6-18yrs) included a joke session & I contributed my joke - naturally it wasn't out of place among their contributions. sandra |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 03 Jan 25 - 07:46 AM Well, if we are going in the ocean we have to resurrect fish jokes What does 70mph at the bottom of a lake? A motorpike and side carp |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Bill D Date: 03 Jan 25 - 03:18 PM I kinda wish these threads were named HUMOR, as many of the submissions are merely puns or riddles...etc. Real "jokes" are a bit in the minority recently. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 03 Jan 25 - 05:53 PM Agreed, Bill, but as someone said before - Humour is like a frog. Once you start to disect it, it dies. How about you tell us a 'real' joke? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mrrzy Date: 03 Jan 25 - 08:35 PM In a big forest full of secrets and shadows, there was a young couple who loved to explore. This forest was their special place, away from all the noise and busy life. One day, while they were walking deep in the woods, they heard a deep, gruff voice say, "Boy." They looked around, but couldn't find anyone. This mysterious voice made them a little scared but also very curious. They kept going back to the forest, and every time they did, they would hear the same deep voice say "Boy." They started to think maybe the forest was telling them they would have a baby boy one day. When their first baby came, it was a girl! They laughed and thought, "Maybe the forest spirit got it wrong." But they still loved going back to the forest, and each time they heard the voice say "Boy." After their second baby girl was born, they really wanted to know what was going on. So, they went to the wise shaman in their village and told him about the voice. The shaman listened and then said with a bit of a laugh, "That's no forest spirit, you fools. Everyone knows it's the wolf who cries ‘boy.’" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 04 Jan 25 - 05:37 AM A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!" "Doctor, what's going on?" asked the concerned father-to-be. "Don't worry," said the doctor, "those are just contractions." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 04 Jan 25 - 07:33 AM First from Steve this year :-) Bloke was chatting to his mate in the pub. "I've just bought these amazing hearing aids. Four grand, latest technology, total state of the art, best in the world!" "Blimey, that's impressive! Four grand, eh? Where did you buy em?" "Half past two..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Bill D Date: 04 Jan 25 - 03:01 PM A guy was in Las Vegas, having bad luck at gambling. Finally, he took his last hundred dollars, filled up his car and headed back to California. He got about 20 miles when a little voice in his head..or somewhere....said "Stop the car!" Startled, he pulled over to the side of the road. "Who is that?" he asked the air. The little voice said, "Turn around, go back to Vegas." Now he was really nervous. "I can't go there, I just lost most of my money!" The voice insisted, "Go BACK to Vegas." This was too much to resist. He turned around and in 30 minutes, he was back. "Go the the Sands Hotel!", said the little voice. But that's where I almost went broke!" The little voice said "The Sands!" Incredulously, he parked and nervously walked into the casino floor. "Go to the roulette table!", said the little voice. He now had this feeling.. so he crowded into the group at the roulette. "Wait!," said little voice. "Two more spins!" He waited for two more spins. "Now," said little voice, "Put your $100 on #23 black!" Immediately, he followed this specific order. The croupier spun the wheel, and the ball went round& round and finally settled into.. #18 Red! "Hmm... how about that", said little voice. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 05 Jan 25 - 05:29 AM Okay, so I don't know what Armageddon means. It's not the end of the world. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 05 Jan 25 - 08:11 AM Nice shaggy dog story Bill :-) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mrrzy Date: 05 Jan 25 - 03:46 PM Bet I can tell your age! called an old lady at an old gentleman walking by. After a couple of denials, the old man asks, how? The old woman says, come behind these bushes and drop trou, and I'll tell you your age. Intrigued, the old guy agrees. And does. Hmmm, not sure, please jump up and down? OK... 87! You're 87! Amazing! How could you tell? Silly, I was at your birthday party last week! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 08 Jan 25 - 07:35 AM My mate sez to me in the pub, "If you could choose anyone famous, alive or dead, to sit here and have a drink and chat with, who would it be?" " The alive one..." The doc asked me, "Do you smoke or drink coffee?" "I drink it..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mrrzy Date: 10 Jan 25 - 11:09 AM The live one, hahaha! In the spirit of learning that Kipling had lived in Vermont, I will now tell my Vermont joke, acquired while my sister was at Middlebury College. Two Vermonters decided to go bear hunting in the woods. They get all their gear together, hop into a pickup truck, and head out. As they are nearing the woods, they come to a fork in the road. The signpost said, Bear Left. So they went home. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 11 Jan 25 - 06:58 AM A very drunk fellow was staggering home via a very dark alley. He bumped into, er, a lady of the night. Sez he to her, "How much do you charge for sex?" "Twenty quid." "OK!" So they were getting on with it when a police officer came down the alley and shone his torch on them. "'Ello, 'ello, and what's going on 'ere then?" "Er, I was just making love to my wife, officer..." "Ah, I didn't realise she was your wife, sir..." "Neither did I, officer, until you shone your torch on her face..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 12 Jan 25 - 05:22 AM What sits on the bottom of the ocean & shakes? Sandra - Squid Vicious or if you are old enough - Frankie Prawn OH! Should that have been in music thread? Since when was a pun not humor? Of course it is humour. There are people out there who have a different take on humour.................. and absolutism too! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 12 Jan 25 - 06:48 AM Perhaps we should change the title of this thread to Joke and a Lecture (2 bits). |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 14 Jan 25 - 11:40 AM Or "joke and carping" - why not? We still haven't excised the culprits. Now for the joke - or whatever you prefer to call it. Q) What is a sob sister? A) A lass who sits on your lap, and bawls, and makes it hard for you. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 14 Jan 25 - 05:29 PM Jesus steps in to stop the stoning of an adulteress "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone... Mother, put that rock down!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Sol Date: 17 Jan 25 - 07:50 AM Got thrown out the Greek Mythology class today. Lecturer: "Which creature was half man, half beast?" Me: "Buffalo Bill". |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 17 Jan 25 - 08:16 AM What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 17 Jan 25 - 03:04 PM At the marriage counselor's office, a wife was recounting every slight, every loss of intimacy, every argument that her husband started while the husband audibly sighed. After 20 minutes of her disappointments, lack of her own car and communication the counselor stood up, pulled the wife into his embrace, kissed her deeply and punctuated his hug with a grope of her buttocks. The counselor asked the husband ... "can you do this three times a week?" The husband said, "I can drop her off on Mondays and Wednesdays but on Fridays, I golf or go to the pub before the ball game". |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 19 Jan 25 - 02:45 PM A monkey was arrested at the local zoo yesterday for flinging lit feces at his attendants, several of whom were admitted to the hospital for turd debris burns. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Neil D Date: 22 Jan 25 - 04:55 AM A couple celebrating their anniversary went back to the bar(pub) where they met. After a couple drinks the wife asked the husband "Do you remember what we did the last time we were here?" he said "Yeah, We went out back and made love up against a fence." She gives him a sly look and asks "Do you think that fence is still back there?" Only one way to find out. So they sneak round back and sure enough the fence is still there so he drops his drawers and lifts her skirt and backs her up against it. There happened to be a cop sitting in his car up the alley. He's about to go and break up these scofflaws but he is struck by the vigorous, frantic lovemaking, lots of shaking and loud moaning. When they finally break free of each other the cop rushes up and says "That was amazing. how do you explain vitality and physicality of your lovemaking, at your age?" The old boy says "Thirty years ago, that fence wasn't electrified." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 22 Jan 25 - 05:14 AM In a new study researchers have determined that one out every seven dwarves is Dopey. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 22 Jan 25 - 06:44 AM Q. Why do frogmen always dive backwards off the boat? A. Because if they did it the other way round they'd just fall into the boat. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 23 Jan 25 - 05:35 AM In 2025 two Trump judges bump into each other just outside the courtroom. One is laughing out loud. ‘Hello, judge, what you’re laughing at?’ ‘Never mind, I just heard the funniest Trump joke ever!’ ‘Tell me!’ ‘No, I can’t, I just sentenced a man to ten years for telling it…’ |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 23 Jan 25 - 07:20 AM A man in Wyoming who was completely wrapped in brown paper was arrested yesterday. He was charged with rustling. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 23 Jan 25 - 08:15 AM That is actually quite funny Don. One of your own? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 26 Jan 25 - 10:23 AM It is a personally customized former Stalin joke. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke & carping thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 30 Jan 25 - 06:22 PM One from Stephen Fry, though he didn't say who told him: "Elon Musk is not a Nazi, Nazis made exceedingly good cars" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mrrzy Date: 31 Jan 25 - 02:14 PM I'm still snickering over the parrot. Back in the day, we would sing If I can't get a man, then I'll have to get a carrot! for the last verse of Old Maid In The Garret. Music thread! McCoy: "I've borrowed Mr. Scott's bagpipes." Kirk: "But you can't play them." McCoy: "While I've got them, neither can he!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 31 Jan 25 - 02:35 PM Just spotted two stories (yesterday and today) in The Register; the subject lines tell it all. Startup plugs AI datacenters into biogas-powered energy Welsh woman fined for flatulence-fueled cyber harassment |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 31 Jan 25 - 05:36 PM Lifted directly from Faceache C, E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me; I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mrrzy Date: 01 Feb 25 - 12:41 PM Pelvic floor exercises? You mean puss-ups? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke & carping thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 02 Feb 25 - 06:06 PM Delorean for sale, only used from time to time. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 03 Feb 25 - 10:36 AM Probably been posted here before but here's a musical description of you know who- "Super Callous Fragile Racist Sexist Nazi POTUS" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 03 Feb 25 - 04:51 PM A bloke was marooned on a remote island after a shipwreck. The only other survivor was a small terrier. The only other occupants of the island were a small flock of wild sheep. After a few weeks the chap's natural manly appetite was getting the better of him. He'd noticed that one of the sheep was quite placid, so temptation got the better of him. But no sooner had he dropped his trousers that the terrier started to bark incessantly and dash frantically round his legs, completely frustrating his intended, er, enterprise. Over the days, this happened again and again and the poor fellow never got his wicked way with the ewe. Months later there was another shipwreck just off the island. The only survivor was an absolutely beautiful young woman, badly injured and half-dead as yer man dragged her on to the shore. For weeks he tended to her wounds and looked after her until she was fully recovered. One day she said to him, "I'm so grateful to you for saving my life and restoring me back to health. I'd like to return the favour - I'll do anything you ask...and I do mean ANYTHING..." "OK," he replied, "Would you just watch the dog for ten minutes?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 05 Feb 25 - 09:17 AM Your change of thread title sounds a bit fishy, Mr Red. Are you thinking 'eel not notice' or trying a bit of codology? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 05 Feb 25 - 10:18 AM Trump Gaza Casinos will be four-star with the sale of gambling, alcohol, prostitution, and Hamas Cheese sandwiches. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Roger the Skiffler Date: 06 Feb 25 - 09:20 AM If Trump is looking for ideas for his Riviera of the Middle East he could have a girlie bar called Braless in Gaza (apologies to Aldous Huxley). RtS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 10 Feb 25 - 02:52 PM :) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 10 Feb 25 - 03:29 PM Don't be too hard on Trump, he's just a confused old man. He can't decide whether he's Hitler or Mussolini. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 10 Feb 25 - 04:45 PM A seasonal one For as long as I can remember, I have had a Valentine's card from an unknown admirer and never found out who it was. It's been a terrible year so far. My Granny died last month and now this... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke, wit & wisdom thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 11 Feb 25 - 04:08 AM From a packet of Paloma paper handkerchieves: "Good friends don't let you do stupid things - alone". |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 11 Feb 25 - 08:37 AM Is that a joke, wit or wisdom? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver Date: 11 Feb 25 - 02:24 PM She was only the pilots daughter but she had a fur lined cockpit. She was only the tobacconists daughter but the best bit of shag in town. She was only the telegraphists daughter but she didit didit didit. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Bob the Postman Date: 12 Feb 25 - 10:57 AM She was Shostakovitch’s daughter but she certainly knew how to conduct herself. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 12 Feb 25 - 12:00 PM Hear about the new restaurant, Karma? There's no menu - you get what you deserve Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na... What do frogs wear on their feet? Open toad sandals |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 12 Feb 25 - 02:12 PM She is only the President's daughter but she will be in charge of the Trump Gaza Plaza & Casinos as long as the Palestinians are deported to Greenland in which case Don Jr. hopes to open a heavy coat store and Seal blubber restaurants. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 12 Feb 25 - 05:09 PM oy! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 13 Feb 25 - 11:56 AM I'll let someone else say " .... vey". |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 13 Feb 25 - 04:39 PM I asked my wife if I'm the only one she's ever been with. She said, "Yes, the others were eights or nines" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 14 Feb 25 - 07:18 AM gevalt |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 14 Feb 25 - 07:29 AM Watched an interesting doc last night about insane nudists called "I see You're Nuts". |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 14 Feb 25 - 09:46 AM The doctor asked me why I had a steering wheel fastened to my underpants. I said it's driving me nuts... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Bill D Date: 14 Feb 25 - 12:55 PM I've always enjoyed humorous word play, so when I heard there was going to be a punning contest, I went down to see if a few to tickle my funny bone... But no pun in tendid.... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke & pun thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 15 Feb 25 - 04:18 AM A pundit eh? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 15 Feb 25 - 11:28 AM I suppose you think that's punny... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 15 Feb 25 - 12:17 PM You guys are just punderful. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MudGuard Date: 15 Feb 25 - 12:57 PM Old song by ABBA: Punny, Punny, Punny must be punny in a rich man's word ... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke & paronamasia thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 16 Feb 25 - 05:00 AM I saw a pot plant being sold off cheap, so bought it for the GF for Valentine's Day. A special offer, for a special lady She laughed. But otherwise unimpressed! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 16 Feb 25 - 06:18 AM USA played Canada last night in the 4 Nations Playoff and there were 3 gloves-off fights in the first 9 seconds of playing time. Reminded me of the old Rodney Dangerfield joke, "I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out". |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 16 Feb 25 - 07:02 AM Presleyopia: causes the sufferer to see Elvis working in the chip shop, the supermarket etc. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 16 Feb 25 - 07:11 AM You are a PTerry fan aren't you MaJoC? Do you reckon the whole of Soul Music was geared to the line where the hero ends up working in the local chip shop? :-D |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 16 Feb 25 - 08:33 AM Nah, DtG: that punchline was just a bonus. .... As it happens, I'm a rock guitarist in remission. Whenever I read Soul Music, I find it messes summat cruel with my wetware. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 16 Feb 25 - 08:40 AM Are you guys Spamming us? I'm getting a link to ThomasHardydigital in your posts.
-Joe Offer- |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 16 Feb 25 - 08:56 AM My Abracalabrador is magical and is fairly wild but meditates. I call him aware wolf. He eats pooched eggs for breakfast and has collar ID on his bone. But if you ask him anything about baseball he always says Ruth even if the correct answer is Ohtani. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 17 Feb 25 - 08:22 AM Ruth eh? Is he your Babe? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver Date: 17 Feb 25 - 10:13 AM I asked my ex if I was the only man she ever slept with...she replied 'Of course!! All the others kept me awake all night.' |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver Date: 18 Feb 25 - 09:29 AM A small town had three churches: Presbyterian, Methodist, and Catholic. All three had a serious problem with squirrels in the church building and each, in its own fashion, had a meeting to deal with the problem. The Presbyterians decided that it was predestined that squirrels be in the church and that they would just have to live with them. The Methodists decided that the situation needed dealing with humanely and strapped the squirrels before moving them to the local park. Within 3 days they returned. The Catholics decided the best idea would be to baptise them, which they did. Now they only see them at Easter and Christmas. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 19 Feb 25 - 09:50 AM Fresh this morning: What do you call a showoff dinosaur on a Harley-Davidson? A wheeliesaurus. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Naemanson Date: 20 Feb 25 - 05:27 PM Georgiansilver, re: Squirrels in church I heard there was also a synagogue in town. It was also plagued by squirrels until the rabi started circumcising them. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 20 Feb 25 - 06:57 PM This woman got breast implants made of wood. It would be great if this joke had a punchline... ...wooden tit? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MudGuard Date: 21 Feb 25 - 02:16 AM gillymor, in German (at least in Bavarian), there is the expression "Sie hat viel Holz vor der Hütte" ("she has a lot of wood in front of the hut/cabin") which refers to a woman's breasts ... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 21 Feb 25 - 04:51 AM We live near Haworth and see plenty jokes with variations on "Bronte saw us" :-) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 21 Feb 25 - 06:02 AM MudGuard, we used to say, she's got a big front porch and a swinging back door. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 21 Feb 25 - 07:50 AM A pedophile, rapist and priest enter a bar. He orders a beer. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 21 Feb 25 - 01:52 PM You are going straight to hell, gillymor :-D |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 21 Feb 25 - 04:20 PM Considering the sitch over here, Dave, it might be an improvement. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 22 Feb 25 - 06:32 AM gillymor - :-D Before we get too political though, a couple from Steve :-) A bloke sees a blind man with a dog at the bus stop. Suddenly, the dog cocks its leg up and pees down the blind man's leg. "Hey, mate, your dog's just peed on your leg!" "Ah, thanks for telling me that." Upon which the blind man pulls a doggie treat out of his pocket and gives it to the dog. "Hey, surely you're not rewarding the dog for peeing on you!" "Nah. I'm just finding out which is its front end so that I can kick its arse..." A woman is upstairs in bed with a bad leg. The doctor calls round and the husband shows him upstairs. Five minutes later the doc comes down and asks if he can borrow a screwdriver. Ten minutes later he comes down again, asking for a saw and a pair of pliers this time. The chap is frantic by now. "What's going on, doc? What are you doing up there? Is her leg worse than we thought?" Sez the doc, "I haven't a clue, mate. I'm still trying to get my medical bag open..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 22 Feb 25 - 01:09 PM Solve this: If Mr & Mrs Bigger have a baby, which of the Bigger's is the biggest? Fred |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 22 Feb 25 - 01:37 PM I'll tell you... The baby because it's a little Bigger! :) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 24 Feb 25 - 08:06 AM A few Roman jokes from an erstwhile contributor A Roman centurion went into a bar and said to the barman, "I'll have a martinus please." The barman said, "Do you mean 'martini'?" The centurion said, "Look, pal, if I'd wanted two I'd have ASKED for two..." An ancient Roman is trying on some new clothes. He turns to his wife and asks her, " Does my gluteus look maximus in this toga?" A rather overweight tourist goes into a clothes shop in ancient Rome and asks the assistant, "Do you have XL togas?" "Certainly sir, but why do you want so many?" Most Romans don't think that Cleopatra is beautiful, but that's the way Julius Caesar... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 24 Feb 25 - 08:07 AM I went in the hardware shop today and asked what was best to clean ovens "Ammonia cleaner" said the assistant "Sorry, I thought you were on customer service..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes from QI thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 25 Feb 25 - 06:46 AM One from Stephen Fry "My Great Uncle had his tongue shot off in the war - he never talks about it" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Neil D Date: 26 Feb 25 - 03:53 AM Here's one for that guy that hates puns. What do you call a magician who lose his magic? Ian. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Bill D Date: 26 Feb 25 - 08:57 AM In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.' The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?' She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' The defense attorney nearly died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair...!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 26 Feb 25 - 12:24 PM Can you guys get me a copy of The Flying Machine by L.E.Copter? :) Fred |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 26 Feb 25 - 01:41 PM Thanks, Bill D; that's the best and most enlightening thing I've read all day. Much mirth ensued when I showed it to Herself just now. --- Oops: just looked at my original notes, and my contribution above should have involved "a stunt dinosaur on a motorbike". Silly me. Now to try the corrected version on the grandchildren .... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 26 Feb 25 - 03:27 PM Lol, Bill. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 26 Feb 25 - 04:04 PM A man goes into a pet shop to buy a bird. The lady owner says "Sorry, sir, we don't sell birds" and the man says "Well that's funny cos I've been told you've had a cockatoo!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 26 Feb 25 - 08:12 PM A new study reveals that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who comment on it. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 28 Feb 25 - 04:16 PM lol gillymor Fred |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 01 Mar 25 - 07:54 AM Q: Is tripe kosher? AI: It depends on the religion of your cow. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 02 Mar 25 - 09:00 AM Reaching the 100 point reminded of the darts match Player throws a double 20 followed by another. His third darts though bounces off the wire and hits a nun seated close by in the temple, causing her to drop dead on the spot. The announcer calls "One nun dead and 80..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 04 Mar 25 - 05:42 PM Just seen this: What's the leading cause of dry skin? Towels. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 05 Mar 25 - 11:56 AM Two philosophers on their holidays were sitting by the pool. Sez one: "Have you read Marx?" "Yeah," sez the other, "It's these bloody wicker chairs..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Bill D Date: 06 Mar 25 - 03:53 PM Two psychiatrists meet on the street. One says, "you're fine how am I?" Two psychiatrists meet on the street. One says "Hi there, how's it going?" The other thinks, "Wonder what he meant by that?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 06 Mar 25 - 07:56 PM "Honey, whats this baggie behind the empty egg carton in the fridge?". Oh, that's from the White House that we got in the mail. " What are we supposed to do with it?" It said to refrigerate it before use, smell it. "It smells like shit...uh...Honey, whats this baggie behind the empty egg carton in the fridge?". |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 06 Mar 25 - 08:17 PM oi |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke & satire thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 10 Mar 25 - 06:50 PM I think the Gulf of America is between Elephants and Donkeys |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 10 Mar 25 - 07:03 PM The Golf of America may soon face DEI and restriction problems again. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 10 Mar 25 - 09:17 PM Wouldn't this ...stuff be more at home in the Trump thread. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 10 Mar 25 - 09:27 PM and what's Golf of America? Sounds like a putt putt course. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver Date: 11 Mar 25 - 03:50 AM Someone mentioned 'Golf' ......so here's a golf joke.. Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly towards four men playing the next hole. The ball hit one man and he clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed to the man, and apologised. ‘'Please let me help. I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could Relieve your pain if you'll let me’' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' he replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he agreed to let her help. She moved his hands to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She provided tender and artful massage for several long minutes. ‘'How does that feel?’’ she asked. He replied: ‘'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken’’. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 11 Mar 25 - 04:22 AM He's been banned from posting shite on the Trump thread gillymor. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 11 Mar 25 - 05:12 AM Not so long ago he was also told to refrain from posting to this thread, Dave, but like a recurring fungal infection... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 11 Mar 25 - 06:34 PM Elon Musk is not a Nazi. Nazis made really great cars. Ignore the slander and propaganda. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 11 Mar 25 - 08:22 PM Joke stolen from Stephen Fry |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 12 Mar 25 - 11:23 AM I know it couldn't be yours, Don. It was vaguely funny Very poor for Stephen Fry though |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 12 Mar 25 - 11:40 AM zero for three like America's credibility, economy, and goodwill. To destroy America, the new Truth Reinvention Administration has had a great deal of success rewriting history, bios, data, budgets, culture, and record-keeping. Uberfeurer Stephen Miller claims it is a vast improvement compared to propaganda minister Goebbles, but everyone knows he's lying. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 12 Mar 25 - 11:54 AM Wtf is that doing on the joke thread. A moderator told you to dump your nonsense in a mother of b.s. thread and stay off this one. Your compliance would be appreciated. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 12 Mar 25 - 12:16 PM Its getting harder to tell Putin apart from Elmer Fudd and Zelenskyy is the wise cracking Wabbit. Some jokes kill so I went to my boss’s funeral service … I knelt next to the coffin and whispered, “Who is thinking outside the box now?” Where are mathematicians buried? The Symmetry. When Paddy's dog died, he took it to the local Catholic church. He asked the preacher if he could have a funeral service for his much loved pet, but the preacher explained that they didn't do services like that for animals. Paddy asked who would and the preacher suggested that the Baptist church up the road would probably give the dog a funeral service. Paddy asked, "Preacher, do you think $5,000 would be enough for the dog's funeral?" The preacher replied, "Dearest Paddy, why didn't you tell me that your dog was a Catholic?" |
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Subject: Satirical Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 16 Mar 25 - 01:54 PM Apparently Teslas are being recalled because they keep turning far right. From YouTube comments. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 16 Mar 25 - 03:11 PM It's important to note that though Musk gave the Nazi salute at the inauguration he is not a Nazi, he's a South African. There's a slight difference. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 17 Mar 25 - 07:20 AM Thank you Mr. Himmler, that's a knee-slapper. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 17 Mar 25 - 08:52 AM I thought you would enjoy that, Herr Goebbels. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 17 Mar 25 - 10:52 AM and Goebbels has no balls at all... I rang the leisure centre and asked "Is that my local swimming pool?" They said "I dunno. Depends where you are ringing from" |
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Subject: UK Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 18 Mar 25 - 05:04 AM So: Musk didn't inherit the polite Canadian gene then? And one for the older UK 'catters (which is truer than funny) - sorry US I can't see a translation that comes close - but if anyone cares to try... "The older I dance, the richer I get. Now I have two ape knees to rub together" two 'apenees to rub together <US> a half penny ~ no money </US> (looses a little in the translation?) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Aethelric Date: 20 Mar 25 - 04:49 AM Guy goes into ticket office. "I'd like a return ticket please" "OK. Where to?" 'Here of course!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 21 Mar 25 - 03:47 PM Me and the Mrs found out how to make love back to back Invite another couple... |
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Subject: Old Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 21 Mar 25 - 07:13 PM I Googled: ‘Missing medieval servant’……it came back: ‘Page not found’. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 22 Mar 25 - 05:24 PM We went to a fetish restaurant today. I got toed in the hole |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Aethelric Date: 23 Mar 25 - 05:17 AM Guy goes into a butchers. "Steak and kidley pie please" "You mean steak and kidney" "That's what I said diddle I" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 24 Mar 25 - 04:31 AM Pessimist: This can't get any worse! Optimist: Yes, it can. |
