BS: All time classic jokes

Subject: All time classic jokes
From: GUEST,john
Date: 06 Aug 00 - 11:24 AM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

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ok i'd like to ask you catters for those jokes that last forever

I flunk my tests when i hear the joke about loving babies, cats, horses, dogs, whatever, but not being able to eat a whole one

still cracks me

any more?

john

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Dulci46
Date: 06 Aug 00 - 11:43 AM

How about this one: Cannibal mom to son: Don't play with your food.

Jusy

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Dulci46
Date: 06 Aug 00 - 11:46 AM

Even funny I spelled my name wrong LOL should be Judy

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Abby Sale
Date: 06 Aug 00 - 12:02 PM

When you talk "classic" to me that means actually Classic. Not just funny. Gags you may have to wait a lifetime to play. Just can't be done until the circumstances present themselves naturally. You can't set them up. Here's some I certainly didn't invent - just was ready when the time came:

At the Blairgowrie Fest about 1967, I being a bit tipped (as was everyone else) has to find a tie-down for the tent. Searching far & wide I finally found a 6-foot cord. The effort being exhausting, I hadn't the strength left to carry it so I struggled to drag it along the ground. Says Roy Williamson, "Hey, Abby, why are you dragging that string?" I with befitting dignity explained: "Hey, man, you ever try pushing a string?"

Don't look like much typed but it was sure right then. I'm proud that in my time I've also had the opportunity to (appropriately) say "This size, please" and also "Quick, get some water."

My life is thus fulfilled but I have a couple of others in mind just in case the situation arises...

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Quincy
Date: 06 Aug 00 - 12:08 PM

The 'bar' jokes always last the test of time.....a horse walks into a bar and the barman says 'why the long face?'....
Sandy

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Quincy
Date: 06 Aug 00 - 12:11 PM

Just re-read that!!!!!! It's not why the long face Sandy.....I'm Sandy!!! The joke is just "why the long face"
I'm very new to all text stuff!

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 06 Aug 00 - 12:20 PM

Quincy,

We 'got' the joke the first time...

Explanation tends to ruin jokes

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Yo
Date: 06 Aug 00 - 12:55 PM

This is a long one but (I think) a good one : (Hope it's allowed here on the Mudcat !)

This man walks trough the dessert with a camel to carry his load of water. After weeks in the dessert the man wants to have sex so bad, but the only living thing near is the camel. So he tries and tries but every time the camel does one step forward. It drives him grazy! After days of walking and trying to get the camel, he hears a womens voice in the distance : "water....water..." Well, he has plenty so he goes to where the voice comes from. And finds this beautiful lady. "Oh please sir, give me water..please, I'll do anything for some water" Anything? the man asks. "Oh yes, anything you want!!" sais the beautiful woman. OK sais the man; Could you hold my camel then for two minutes?

Yo.

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Quincy
Date: 06 Aug 00 - 01:00 PM

It was really explaining my bad usage of writing text not the joke!!

Back to you John...The jokes that seem to last a good while are "there was an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman"
Usually they are funny although that's my family mentioned in one line....mother Irish, father Scottish and we now live in England!!!! Good thing that we can laugh at ourselves!!!

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: kendall
Date: 06 Aug 00 - 01:33 PM

Many people over the years have given me the chance to use an old Main retort.. "Have you lived here all your life? "Not yet."

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Yo
Date: 06 Aug 00 - 01:39 PM

That's a good one Kendall, I'm gona use it!

Similar: (true story) Woman at the petfarm: how old can a rabbit get. Depends on how long it wil live ma'am.

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Yo
Date: 06 Aug 00 - 01:45 PM

Or : Two guys working together. One says:"Oooh, the boss his wife does it way better than my own wife" Other guy shaking his head :"Don't think so...."

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Ed Pellow
Date: 06 Aug 00 - 01:51 PM

I'd add the 'frayed knot' joke, but as Catspaw says, I'm a 'frayed knot' joke maven

Ed

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Nynia
Date: 06 Aug 00 - 01:53 PM

I like the "it really happened" type. One year at Newcastleton Festival, many pints ago, we were standing in the hallway of The Grapes catching up on things with friends before the music got serious. My friend Andy had just bought a round of drinks when my father noticed that he was leaning against the bell on the wall. Now where I come from when someone says you're on the bell it's your turn to get a round in. In all innocence father told Andy he was on the bell, Andy protested pointing out that he'd just bought that one. We all saw what my dad saw and caught on, "No Andy you ARE on the bell!" And proceeds to protest massive. The lanlady comes out and says "Excuse me Sir, you're on the bell." We colapse as Andy plaintively pleads "But I've just bought this one, honestly"

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Yo
Date: 06 Aug 00 - 01:59 PM

Two ballons in the dessert, the one says: Watch out for that cactussssssssssssssssssssssssssss...

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: GUEST, Banjo Johnny
Date: 06 Aug 00 - 02:59 PM

It really happened: an Air Force pal and I were on the way to Juarez, planning to visit a certain house.

"I sure hope there's a Chinese or Japanese girl. I've really got a yen for an Oriental woman."

"It's liable to cost you a bit more than that."

=== Classics ... I think the true classics are the three-parters, such as, "A priest, a rabbi, and a a Baptist preacher were playing golf ..." or when the same person does something three times, and the last time is the punch line. == Johnny

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Don Firth
Date: 06 Aug 00 - 04:00 PM

A priest, a rabbi, and a Baptist preacher walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, wait a minute! Is this some kind of a joke?"

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: MarkS
Date: 06 Aug 00 - 04:13 PM

So what do you call a (Polack, Irishman, Scotsman - Insert your own ethnic here) wearing a coat and tie while sitting in a tree?
A branch manager.

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: GUEST,bob
Date: 06 Aug 00 - 05:03 PM

Two privates stationed at Fort Campbell were handed shovels and told to bury a large, dead animal. While digging they got into an argument about what they were burying.

"This here's a big mule!"

"Tain't no mule, this here's a donkey."

"Mule!"

"Donkey!"

Well, this went on for a while until the camp Chaplain came by. "What are you boys doing?" he asked.

"We're diggin' a grave for this mule."

"Donkey, dammit!"

The chaplain cut in, "Boys, this isn't either one, it's an ass."

An hour later, the camp commander came up and said, "What are you men doing, digging a foxhole?"

"No sir. We're diggin' an asshole."

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Helen
Date: 06 Aug 00 - 08:41 PM

I was at a folk festival and it was the last day so everyone was packing up and getting ready to leave. A couple of friends of mine had travelled down in the same car and I saw one of them who told me that the other one had her car keys and she wanted to load up her stuff but hadn't been able to find her friend for a couple of hours. She was getting fed up by this stage and she was saying to everyone she saw "If you see Kay, tell her I want to see her!"

Helen

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: gillymor
Date: 06 Aug 00 - 11:33 PM

Did you hear about the (ethnic type or nationality of your choice) gentleman who was the receipient of the first penis transplant?
Unfortunately it was a failure. His right hand rejected it.

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 07 Aug 00 - 04:38 AM

I asked for a a scart lead in our local electrical goods shop. When the guy behind the counter asked how long would I like it I replied I was thinking of keeping it permanently.... I had waited years for that to happen!

At the Fylde folk festival one year we noticed that the good people of Fleetwood seem to have an idiosincratic (Is that how you spell it?) attitude towards notices. Ie - The pier will be open all year round from 1st November These toilets are fitted with anti-climb and, in the window of what was obviously an office - This is NOT a ladies toilet. The mind boggles. My favourite though was attached to the door of the joke shop. It simply said "Door Sticks". So I went in and asked for a door stick. You would think people who work in joke shops would have a sense of humour wouldn't you?

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Quincy
Date: 07 Aug 00 - 05:47 AM

Dave the Gnome
Isn't it great when you can get your witty response into a situation (if you can remember it at the time that is!!)

My two favourites that I do try to use....much to the annoyance of others are......
In the local DIY store when buying paint and the assistant asks you if you would like it in a bag? You say "no thank you, just leave it in the tin!!"
The second is when you are buying a round of drinks in a bar and are trying to carry several glasses at once, the barman says "would you like a tray?" and you say "don't you think I have enough to carry??"

all the best, Yvonne (Sandy)

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Brian Hoskin
Date: 07 Aug 00 - 08:29 AM

Man goes into a bar and asks the barmaid for a double entendre, so she gives him one.

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Midchuck
Date: 07 Aug 00 - 08:47 AM

The one above about the transplant reminded me...(insert ethnic group here)guy goes into a bar...orders a drink...picks it up in his left hand, pours some into his right palm. Bartender asks what the (insert expletive here) he's doing; he says, "I'm trying to get my date drunk!"

Peter.

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Snuffy
Date: 07 Aug 00 - 08:50 AM

Man walks into a bar

OUCH!! - It was an iron bar

(Tommy Cooper)

Wassail! V

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Naemanson
Date: 07 Aug 00 - 09:12 AM

In my office people always have something for me to sign. Often I will look at what they hand me and say in an outraged voice, "I can't sign this!" Shocked they'll ask why not. My response, "I don't have a pen."

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 07 Aug 00 - 11:04 AM

Why are married women heavier than single women ? Because a single woman goes home, looks in the refrigerator and then goes to bed. A married woman goes home, looks in bed and then goes to the refrigerator.

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: GUEST,Fred
Date: 07 Aug 00 - 03:23 PM

Being a piper...I hear a LOT of piping jokes. One of the SHORTEST is..

"So there were these three pipers who walked past a pub......"

That's IT folks!

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: catspaw49
Date: 07 Aug 00 - 04:14 PM

I really don't "DO" jokes. I can't remember them half the time. My specialty is more to the sarcastic retort. But I do have trhee favorites that combine elements of the ludicrous and are obviously jokes...but its hard to figure the punchline. Here's one of the the three.

A guy is planning a trip across the desert and he goes to the Hertz Rent-A-Came joint and tells them he wants to rent one. The Hertz guy asks if he wants a 7 day or a 14 day camel. Well, the trip is for 16 days and the fellow can't figure out a way to shorten it. After much cajoling, the Hertz guy says, "I'll see what I can do."

He walks over and selects a large 14 day camel and sticks its head in the water trough. As the camel is drinking, he goes into the Hertz Kiosk and returns with two bricks. The camel is almost full and ready to take its last slurp when the Hertz guy walks behind it. Then, with a powerful swing, he claps the 2 bricks together, smashing the camel's nuts in between. The camel goes 'SSLLLLLUUUOOOORRRRPPPSSSSHHH' and sucks up a ton more water. The Hertz guy walks around to the front and says, "There ya' go pal. That oughta' do it."

The traveller is appalled. "JESUS CHRIST MAN!!!!!! Doesn't that HURT???"...to which the Hertz guy replies,

"Nah........Not if you keep your thumbs out of the way."

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Diva
Date: 07 Aug 00 - 05:38 PM

This is a true story. I have been going to Newcastleton Festival for quite a while and as happens you make friends with the locals. One of whom was a lovely auld fellow called Jimmy Robson who was known for his poetry. I live twenty miles away and one day in the local paper was a notice in the deaths column......James Robson...Newcastleton. Well I HAD to go. For those of you not fortunate enough to know Copshawholm,there are a lot of people with the same names....father/son/cousin etc. Now how would we know if it was our Jimmy Robson......easy,if it WAS him he wouldn't be there,he be in the box and if it WAS'NT he'd be in the congregation. Perfect logic. Went to the funeral and he wasn't in the congregation...ergo.... Not once did they mention his poetry but they did mention his time on the railway so it must be an over site. Couldn't go the the "do" after but spoke to a few mutual friends,the usual kind of thing, how sad, he was a good age etc So the year rolled round to festival time again. First stop the Liddesdale. Hubby went in before me as I was blethering(chatting) to a mate. He came out that door quicker than a exocet missile,saying "you'll never guess who I've just seen?" Yes you've got it I'd been at the wrong bloody funeral. I never did tell Jimmy,shame because he would have made it into a cracking poem. He died a few years ago and I didn't get to the funeral as I was away.....still I'd been to his first one.

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Midchuck
Date: 07 Aug 00 - 05:46 PM

As most of you are aware, the Mormon church requires all of its young men to spend a certain fixed period of time in missionary work, before they marry and settle down. These missions have always required travel, in many cases to the far corners of the earth.

As I understand it, the church has recently created an exception to the requirement of travel in some cases, and permitted some young men to carry out their missionary work over the internet. These individuals do their mission work by staying up late at night and getting on to various chat groups, to attempt to convert the members of those groups.

This is referred to in the church as a nocturnal e-mission.

Peter.

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Lox
Date: 07 Aug 00 - 08:57 PM

What do you call a guitar player with half a brain?...

... A bass player!

___________________________________

How can you tell if the stage is level at a gig?...

...The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth!

___________________________________

A drummer goes into a music shop because he wants a change of instrument. (what with all the bad press and everything)

He tells the shop assistant of his desires, and the shop assistant gives him leave to browse to his hearts content.

After half an hour or so, he comes back saying that he'd like an accordion and a saxaphone.

His hopes are dashed however when he is told that, even though he can have the fire extinguisher, the radiator is staying exactly where it is.

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Elise
Date: 07 Aug 00 - 09:07 PM

Will someone kindly explain the double entendre joke? I heard it on NPR a long time ago, and I've been puzzling over it since.

Here's my favorite:

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

'Cause they taste funny!

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Lox
Date: 07 Aug 00 - 09:25 PM

If someone explains it, it will cease to be funny.

Just lie back and think of England, and when it sinks in you'll be fully satisfied.

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Lox
Date: 07 Aug 00 - 09:30 PM

... Then I'll give you another one ...

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Melani
Date: 07 Aug 00 - 10:15 PM

Q: How do you get a (ethnic group of your choice) to burn his face? A: Call him on the telephone when he's ironing.

Q: How did the (ethinic group of your choice) burn his face? A: Bobbing for french fries.

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: MarkS
Date: 07 Aug 00 - 11:32 PM

OK OK OK
Pinoccio is complaining to Gepetto that his love life is horrible. Seems his girlfriend is deathly afraid of splinters. Gepetto says "no problem" and gives Pinoccio a sheet of fine sandpaper and tells him to smooth off the problem area.
A few weeks pass.
The next time Gepetto sees Pinoccio he asks how things are going with his girlfriend.
"Girlfriend?" says Pinoccio, "Who needs a girlfriend!"

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokesO
From: Mickey191
Date: 07 Aug 00 - 11:58 PM

Old lady walking home from her job in the garment district, approaching her is a young man in a a raincoat. A few feet from her he flashes himself - as he passes she says "Lousy Lining."

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: MAG (inactive)
Date: 08 Aug 00 - 12:36 AM

sisters, don't stone me for giving up this underground favorite:

Q: Why do women fake orgasm?

A: Men fake foreplay.

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: GUEST,Fibula Mattock
Date: 08 Aug 00 - 04:21 AM

What do you call a man with a rubber toe?
Roberto....

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: GUEST,Michael in Swansea
Date: 08 Aug 00 - 05:56 AM

Two parrots sitting on a perch. One says to the other "Can you smell fish?"..... Michael

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: dwditty
Date: 08 Aug 00 - 07:11 AM

Two hydrogen atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one stops, and, patting himself, says, "Oh no! I think I lost an electron." His friend says, "Are you sure?" the first one replies, "Yeah, I'm positive."

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: mactheturk
Date: 08 Aug 00 - 08:27 AM

A man is waiting in line at the train station. As he approaches the cashier window he notices that the clerk is a very well endowed young lady with a tight fitting sweater. Eventually it's his turn and the beautiful girl asks, "can I help you sir?", he responds, "oh yes, I would like two pickets to Titsburg please". Immediately aware of his mistake he becomes noticeable red faced. The man behind him in line notices, of course and tries to reassure him..."don't worry pal this happens all the time, it's just a faupax, a mere Fruedian slip, in fact I made a similar mistake yesterday at the breakfast table. I meant to say to my wife.."honey would you please pass the jelly" an instead I said.. "You fuckin' bitch you've ruined my life".....

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Don Firth
Date: 08 Aug 00 - 05:32 PM

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Don Firth
Date: 08 Aug 00 - 05:34 PM

Sorry. My mouse has a bad stutter.

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 08 Aug 00 - 05:48 PM

MAG - The way I understand it is - women fake orgasms because they think men care !!

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Bert
Date: 08 Aug 00 - 05:59 PM

Way back in the late Fifties when there was still some red on the atlas. England sent out an expedition to darkest Africa to search for rare plants and animals.

As luck would have it they found this very small animal which no one had seen before. I mean no one had seen anything remotely like it. So they took the poor creature from its natural habitat and brought it back to England.

Well, you can imagine, The London Zoo was delighted. A new creature to put on display. Trouble was no one knew what it was. Eventually they decided that because it was so rare they would call it a Rary (pronounced rare-ee).

It was a great hit and folks came from miles around just to see this poor creature and the Zoo made scads of money.

Well the animal grew and its appetite grew, then it grew some more and they had to move it to a bigger cage. Eventually though the novelty wore off and not many people came to see the animal now that it was no longer cute and fuzzy.

But this didn't stop the animal from eating, it ate and ate and ate and got bigger and bigger and bigger until it was too big for the largest cage in the zoo.

But now there was no money coming in to build a new cage for it so they decide to kill the bloody thing or 'put it to sleep' as they said. So the vet came and gave it an injection but it didn't hurt the beast at all, it just increased its appetite.

So they called in the army to shoot it. But the bullets just bounced off. So they bombed it but the explosion didn't hurt it a bit, if anything it just increased its appetite.

After much hemming and hawing they decided that they would take it up Mount Everest and push it over the side. That should do it. So the called Sir Edmund and organised an expedition and took the animal to the very top of Mount Everest.

WHen they arrived at the top the Rary said to them "What are you going to do to me?" and Sir Edmund replied "We are going to tip you over the side"

The Rary looked down and said..
.
.
.Wait for it.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
."It's a long way to tip a Rary"

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Bernard
Date: 08 Aug 00 - 06:04 PM

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him what?

A super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Bernard
Date: 08 Aug 00 - 06:12 PM

Two fish in a tank.

One says 'Whose turn is it to drive?'