BS: Resolutions for folk song characters

Subject: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: Marion
Date: 16 Aug 03 - 03:38 AM

Hi gang. I thought this was funny: Resolutions for Evil Overlords

So... what resolutions should characters in folk songs make?

Here's a few to get started:

When walking by a river, I will not turn my back on my companion.

I will not volunteer nor consent to try to break up a log jam.

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: Morticia
Date: 16 Aug 03 - 07:36 AM

I will decline to break any ring or similar love token in half, irrespective of how long my intended is likely to be away

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 16 Aug 03 - 08:09 AM

Or alternatively - "When having a clear ouyt I will make a special effort not to thrown away any tokens, even if they look broken."

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: pixieofdoom
Date: 16 Aug 03 - 09:04 AM

If I am named William or Johnny I will not become a soldier

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: Peter T.
Date: 16 Aug 03 - 09:22 AM

Our "Folksongs for Dummies" had many of these. However, a few more:

1. When someone asks about my lover far far away, and bears even the slightest resemblance to said lover, I will (a) check; (b) if there is the least suspicion that inquirer might be said lover, but before he/she gets a chance to reveal identity, I will lecture inquirer on the nature of bastard slime who taunt those who were left behind pining, and suggest that bastard slime deserve to be retroactively drowned at sea.

2. If I am in arms of best friend's wife, and am brought up before judge, I will inquire as to whereabouts of best friend during relevant time period.

3. If girlfriend is named Frankie, I will fix that loose transom, and also ensure with cash that bartender is onside.

4. I will never go on a ship where the rich refuse to 'sociate with the poor.

5. Going gaily in the saddle is a bad idea.

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: curmudgeon
Date: 16 Aug 03 - 09:27 AM

Upon returning to port, I will abstain from drink and shun loose women.

I will not pawn my hard-weather gear.

I will not sign aboard a whaler.

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: Peter T.
Date: 16 Aug 03 - 09:35 AM

6. Just before going to bed at night, I will set out "blues traps", so as not to wake up in the morning with blues all around my bed.

7. If I ever go to Houston, I will walk right, I will not gamble, I will not fight.

8. I will never, never, drive a locomotive down the same track as another locomotive coming the other way, even if my own train is late, even if we have to make up time, even if it is old 97, I will not, not, not.

9. I will stay out of the pines. If, for some reason, I do in fact have to spend a night in the pines, I will wear warm clothes, take a flashlight, and bring a sandwich.

10. If I am a dragon, I will not get attached to one little boy, dragons live forever, there will be another of the ungrateful little bastards along before long.

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: RangerSteve
Date: 16 Aug 03 - 09:46 AM

I will not be a railroad engineer.

I will not go to the station to see my girlfriend off on a train.

I will not be born or grow up near a railroad track.

If I were a woman and my lover asked me to go for a walk or a ride, I would ask him his intentions before we leave, and not when we get out in the middle of nowhere.

I will listen to what my mother says.

If I court the daughter of a wealthy man, I will not leave her and go out west to seek my fortune.

If I were young and handsome, I would not herd cattle during a thunderstorm. Especially if I had a mother at home waiting for my return.

I will burglar-proof my chicken coops.

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: curmudgeon
Date: 16 Aug 03 - 10:27 AM

I must never steal an Earl's lady.

I will keep an eye out for blankets falling from window ledges.

I will never go around shooting dunghill cocks.

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: Bill D
Date: 16 Aug 03 - 11:01 AM

I will not leave my wife unattended when Gypsies are in the neighborhood.

I will not not get attached to any more old dogs.

I will not eat any stew or soup made from eels....unless she tries some first.

All cabin boys will be subject to full medical exam when signing on.

I will not go ashore to drink & carouse during shore leave. ...nawwww, I know I'll never keep that one anyway.

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: curmudgeon
Date: 16 Aug 03 - 11:06 AM

i will not eat eggs and marrowbone.

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: Amos
Date: 16 Aug 03 - 11:34 AM

These are a crackup!!!

1. I will limit my response to gamblers' insults about my fiancee's picture to verbal remarks and will leave the table intead of getting violent.

2. I will manage my anger.

3. If a rival talks to my loved one down in a valley, I will ask her about it later. I will recognize that emotional and physical extremes will not restore lost friendships.

4. I will learn how to recognize the sort of person one cannot count on.

5. I will not come in to anyone's saloon while the games are going on.

6. I will leave those downtown women alone.

7. I will not go down to the bottom and never come up even if the river turns out to be whiskey. I will realize I am NOT a duck.

8. I will not lead a squad of pikes and scythes against a fully equipped division of the British Army.

9. If I am riding on the prairie and am accosted by three armed troopers, I will not choose to fight rather than surrender, realizing that even with a twenty year sentence I will be out in five on good behavior.

10. I will not get a .38 from a pawnshop no matter what my girlfriend says she wants.



A

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: CET
Date: 16 Aug 03 - 11:37 AM

Should the oversexed and lonely wife of a rich nobleman attempt to seduce me, I will not go home with her in public on a high holiday, on the very best day of the year.

In the unlikely event that said rich nobleman gives me one of his swords and invites me to strike the very first blow, I will damn well kill him.

Edmund

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: Dave Swan
Date: 16 Aug 03 - 11:46 AM

I will not poach the stag, the doe, the hare, nor the lofty pheasant.

Before loosing an arrow I will make certain that my target is indeed a swan. I will not shoot aprons.

I will not drink on credit.

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: Leo Condie
Date: 16 Aug 03 - 11:57 AM

stop lending ears.

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: Jeri
Date: 16 Aug 03 - 12:07 PM

Never walk river banks
If there's a grave there, looking ready
For you know the odds don't look too good
Never court a fair ladye
If her family looks too shady
You'll likely wind up dead like in a ballad

In all the coffee houses down along main street
All the blood of the centuries comes gushing out in song
If it starts out 'come all ye', you know you'd better watch it
'Cause it's gonna get real messy and you know it won't be long

Sorry...

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: Marion
Date: 16 Aug 03 - 12:35 PM

Nice stuff, folks.

I will not attend a wedding in Glasgow town unless I have a formal written invitation.

I will consider all the possible implications of my cabin boy's graceful figure, smooth cheek, and bright countenance.

If I learn that the boy I love is in fact my father's illegitimate son, and that the only other person who knows is my father and he's anxious to keep it a secret, I will just go ahead and marry the lad. Who's going to know?

But when I am young, I will never wed an old man.

Marion

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 16 Aug 03 - 03:08 PM

And most emphatically I never will play the wild rover no more.

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: Amos
Date: 16 Aug 03 - 03:34 PM

If he comes at me with a big jackknife, I will get out of the way rather than go at him with lead.

I will observe maximum speed recommendations on any roads on which I am an engineer, regardless of schedules. Saftety comes first.

I will not yelll "Fire! in a locked building.

When going strange countries for to see, I will communicate regularly to my loved ones at home so they will not feel they have lost me.

IF a captain offers me great rewards for sinking an enemy ship I will require he open an escrow before leaping overboard to fulfill my end of the bargain.

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: Mudlark
Date: 16 Aug 03 - 04:26 PM

If I live on the Carson Valley plain, and my name rhymes with yarrow, I'll eschew all horseback riding.

If I'm ever queen I'll make sure just who, exactly, it is I'm giving my confession to.

I'm never going to NY because the people there just treat you mean.

I'll keep the candle lit.

And stay away from the Butcher boy...

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Aug 03 - 05:07 PM

If my name is Vandemeer and I'm young, I'll go to grief counseling.

I'll go somewhere besides Louisville to find my fortune.

I think I'll skip going to St. James Infirmary.

I'm not going to mess around with anyone named "Nancy," especially if her last name is "Whisky."

I don't really care where all the flowers have gone.

I'm going to skip the mining stuff and go right to the clams.

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: Amos
Date: 16 Aug 03 - 05:14 PM

I will never make myself emotionally dependent, especially on a woman, especially on a woman with a serving-man, and especially on a woman named Barbara.

A

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 16 Aug 03 - 05:17 PM

It's carefull love for me from now on

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: Amergin
Date: 16 Aug 03 - 05:22 PM

will never fall in love with anyone named Lily....

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: twag
Date: 16 Aug 03 - 06:26 PM

• No matter how much of the finest brandy, candy, pipes, tobacco, ladies or foley work is promised me; no matter what sartorial splendors are offered; no matter how many chief commanders I might view or sit with at tea---I will not go to Flanders.
  
  
• When the Captain is in the wardroom drinking gin, I do mind knocking, much less going in.
  
  
• I will not date or have intercourse of any stripe with women called by the following names--at least without seeing thorough background, medical, and psychological evaluations: Sal(ly), Betsy, Margery, Clementine, Elsie, Darcy, Ann(e)(ie), Flo, Eppie, Frankie, J(h)onnie, Tilly, Missy, Eglantine, Mary, Butterfly, Rainbow, Belle, Tinker Belle, Turandot, Mimi, Polly, Cleo, Catherine, Brunhilde, Persephone, Prosperpine, Brandy, Candy (or any confection), Franklin, Dandy, or Paul...(partial listing. A complete list may be drerived from the combined white pages of New York, London, Boston, Le Havre, Trinidad, Honolulu, and Hong Kong.).
  
  
• After leaving Liverpool, I will not think of thee, or any of the above names. I will not greive. I will drink rum.
  
  
• When personally addressed by bloodstains, harps, meat pies, fauna of any species other than homo sapiens, daggers, swords, flags or brick walls I will pointedly ignore them and proceed quickly to the nearest pub where I will tell my favorite sports/office anectdote(s) to anyone who'll listen. Normal, I will be Normal.
  
  
• I will not wish I was in Sherbrooke now...because I will never leave Sherbrooke. Certainly not on the strength of any promises from someone calling himself 'El Cid'. Look how the original of that name ended up: dead, stinking, and wired into his saddle under a hot Andalusian sun. American gold my a...foot. Feet.
  
  
• I will not walk alone by the seashore...or if I must I will wear earplugs and a Walkman playing a Chumbawamba CD at setting 11, and I will give all friendly sea mammals the cut direct.
  
  
• If they hang my Geordie in golden chains, I will certainly insist on taking the chains back with the body for a decent burial.
  
  
• Screw the hare and lofty pheasant. I'll stick to Spam and eggs. Even Fen Country gruel tastes better than the marsupial head cheese they serve convicts in Van Dieman's Land.
  
  

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 16 Aug 03 - 06:47 PM

Since the water is wide, I will not cross over. I will have a drink instead, and then I will sing some more. And then I will have a little lie-down.

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: Gareth
Date: 16 Aug 03 - 07:30 PM

I will not go down the dark dreary mine.

I will not take the foremans job.

If of English descent I will not drink from a bottle of Bitter Ale handed to me by a Welshman at Twickenham.

I will not drink in the Conservative Club at Crumlin.

And I'll never walk down Lime St., anymore.

Gareth

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: harvey andrews
Date: 16 Aug 03 - 07:41 PM

I will not visit any house in New Orleans.
Particularly if I have to go by train.
I will not call darkness my friend again.
I will never eat parsley, sage, rosemary or thyme at Alice's place.

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Aug 03 - 07:52 PM

No matter how much Elsid Barrett cries, I'm not shipping on the Antelope.

Screw the grand city hall in New York! Let them get their own bricks and such truck!

I'm not marching anywhere with Arthur St. Clair.

Red-haired girls can go the Dingle Fair with someone else.

If I'm named Annie, I'm staying in tonight and not leaving my own pretty garret. And frankly, I'd rather have a parrot than a man.

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: akenaton
Date: 16 Aug 03 - 07:59 PM

Never invite a redhead in black leather to get up behind...

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: Mudlark
Date: 17 Aug 03 - 12:16 AM

I will never let any lad steal my thyme.

I'll never sail on a ship called the Lily of Arkasnsas, or in any ship that has 4 and 20 sailor lads to box it about the main.

In fact, I'll go to sea no more.

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: Bert
Date: 17 Aug 03 - 12:21 AM

If I was frog I'd leave that mouse alone no matter how cute she is.

I will not court a girl that lives on the other side of a river.

If I had a hammer I'd only use it when I needed to hit something and not go banging it around just because it's the morning, or the evening or whenever.

If I was a blind Grandmother I'd tie Eileen to the damned spinning wheel.

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: katlaughing
Date: 17 Aug 03 - 12:34 AM

I promise to stay off the damn horse so I can see my mother in the Fall when the work's all done.

If I am little and named "Joe," I will stay at the back of the herd and let the other more experienced Wranglers turn the stampeding herd.

I promise not to bury you on the lonely prairie.

I shall mention Aunt Clara at every opportunity!

If I have found true love in the Red River Valley, I shall not go.

If my name is Charlie, I won't get on the MTA.

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: Mark Cohen
Date: 17 Aug 03 - 03:19 AM

I will never let you begin. (See Tom Lehrer thread.)

Aloha,
Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: GUEST
Date: 17 Aug 03 - 03:46 AM

if I ever find a girl in san francisco and take her in my arms...well I'd want to see her in daylight first...

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: Dead Horse
Date: 17 Aug 03 - 05:34 AM

I shall stay indoors on May mornings.
I shall refrain from drinking cider out of the vat.
I shall not accept any shillings, even if offered by royalty.
I shall not tie flora, bits of trees or ribbons about my person.
I shall not employ Sid Kipper, in the unlikely event I should become a pharmacist.
I shall not attempt to drown felines, nor shall I carry their remains around with me.

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Aug 03 - 09:22 AM

I will no longer conduct seances in Laredo.
I will stay out of cantinas when I'm in El Paso.
I will eschew Galveston in hurricane season.
Come to think of it, I will stay completely away from both Texas and New Orleans.

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: RangerSteve
Date: 17 Aug 03 - 10:11 AM

I will return to the old home before I get old, and before all my friends and family are dead.

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: Allan C.
Date: 17 Aug 03 - 11:20 AM

I'll not bother to date any woman whose mother sleeps with a dagger (silver or otherwise).
If I ever get back to Bimini, I'll avoid the rum.
It might be okay to marry an older woman; but there's no way in hell you'll ever catch me wearing a bunch of blue ribbons on my head!
I'll never be one to court too slow(ly).
I'll shoot no deputies (not that I ever did).

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: GUEST,Satan
Date: 17 Aug 03 - 11:47 AM

I hereby resolve to stay the HELL away from clever little kids, ugly, cantankerous old women and Texas!

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: Ely
Date: 17 Aug 03 - 07:00 PM

I'll keep my house securely locked at night lest I find myself the mother of some half-human, half-seal bastard.

I won't go out riding with my friend Utah amongst cattle with some stupid blanket flapping off the back of my saddle.

I won't get mixed up with boys named "Willie", I WON'T let them lead me over hills and valleys so deep, and I DEFINITELY will learn to distrust them before I'm so far out in the wilderness that there is nobody but the wild birds to hear my screams.

If I steal my older sister's boyfriend I won't go walking with her along the seashore.

If I'm the youngest of three children I won't let my siblings talk me into drawing straws, taking lots, etc. on ANYTHING. Come to think of it, no good ever comes to third children so if I were one, I should cut my losses and move far away right now.

I'll ride old Paints and not strawberry roans.

I never will walk by the Brazos no more.

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: Cluin
Date: 17 Aug 03 - 09:01 PM

I WILL play the Wild Rover.

(long as they keep stuffing money in the tip jar)

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: katlaughing
Date: 18 Aug 03 - 12:15 AM

I will rosin the Beau! **bg**

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: HuwG
Date: 18 Aug 03 - 12:41 AM

If I indulge in courting, I shall do it somewhere other than the kitchen.

No matter who invites me to the ball, you won't catch me spending six months learning the steps.

If I am handed anything warlike by a recruiting sergeant, be it musket, tin hat, or so much as a round badge for my hat, you will see a blur where I was standing. Thank you, I'd rather keep hold of all of my anatomy, and no doubt any loved ones would like me intact too. Disclaimer; does not apply if one's cousin is called Arthur McBride.

If going to a wake, ensure the centre of attention is really dead. (No, I meant proper medical checks, not a stake through the heart). Whisky is too expensive to waste.

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: GUEST,Paul D
Date: 18 Aug 03 - 12:47 AM

I will stop all o' my ramblin' and roamin'. I will settle down, find a good career, and finish everything I've started (especially all of those words I got too lazy to finish writing, and just ended with an apostrophe).

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: georgeward
Date: 18 Aug 03 - 11:00 AM

If I ever get another job as an engineer, I ain't leavin' no damn monkey sittin' in the driver's seat.

"A broad letter, aye? And signed wi' the king's own hand ? Ye'll be lookin' for some ither seaman, laddie, walking the salt sea strand. Patrick Spens, aye? Never heard o' him."

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: Joe_F
Date: 18 Aug 03 - 07:58 PM

I will never get an unmarried woman in trouble.
But if I do, I will not kill her.
But if I do kill her, I will be sure to kill the baby too.
But if I don't kill him, I will not inform him casually, when he is grown up and fully armed, that I killed his mother.

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: LadyJean
Date: 18 Aug 03 - 08:10 PM

I will never kick a Lambkin. He might be a wolf in sheep's clothing.

Remembering my dear mother's rendition of "Bell Bottom Trousers", I will never trust a sailor far above the knee.

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: IvanB
Date: 18 Aug 03 - 09:57 PM

I'll take no medical advice from any doctor in Wexford.

Subject: RE: BS: Resolutions for folk song characters
From: Amergin
Date: 18 Aug 03 - 10:00 PM

i'll not name any of my boys sue.