BS: Joke thread for 2024

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Joe_F
Date: 06 Jun 24 - 06:04 PM

I believe I have seen it cited: "My pickup truck left me for another man."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Neil D
Date: 07 Jun 24 - 07:17 PM

The James gang was robbing a train and Jesse shouts "if you don't give us your money and valuables were going to kill all the women and rape all the men." Someone asked "Jesse, don't you mean rape the women and kill the men?" But a man in the back of the car yells "Excuse me...but I think Mr.James knows how to rob a train."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 08 Jun 24 - 06:41 AM

Bloke got pulled over for drink-driving. The policeman was just about to administer the breathalyser when a terrible kerfuffle broke out on the opposite carriageway, two blokes kicking the shite out of each other.

Naturally, the copper had to temporarily abandon the drunk bloke, so he rushed across the road to intervene in the scrap. The drunk saw his chance, so he jumped back behind the wheel and sped home.

Next morning, there came a knock on his door. The same policeman was there, saying to the bloke that he knew he had been completely pissed the night before.

"Well you can say that, but that was hours ago, so now you can't prove a thing!"

"Fair enough," said the cop. "Tell you what - I'll leave you in peace as long as we can have our police car back..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 08 Jun 24 - 10:16 AM

lol, Neil.

Trump's driving around Wales, gets thirsty and has his chauffeur pull over so he can drink from a stream. A Welsh farmer shouts to him, in Welsh, "Don't drink from that stream, the sheep piss in it!"
To which Trump responds, "This is England, speak English!"
The farmer shouts back, in English, "Use 2 hands, you'll get more water."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 09 Jun 24 - 12:53 PM

After a lot of drinks on Friday night, I decided to leave my car at the pub and get a bus home. It was great passing all the police cars and getting smiled at. The bus just kept going and got me home in one piece....which is surprising really as I had never driven a bus before..

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 12 Jun 24 - 09:32 AM

St Peter is guarding the gates of heaven one day and finds that he’s desperate to use the toilet.

He calls Jesus over and says “Oi Jesus, I’m dying for a Richard the Third. Can you keep an eye on things for me for 10 minutes before I have an accident in my heavenly robes?”

“No problem Pete” says Jesus. “What do I have to do?”

“It’s simple, when you see someone coming up the celestial ladder, ask them what they did on Earth and, if they’re OK to come in and, if they are, let them in. Nothing to it really”

So Jesus waits by the Pearly Gates and sees this man approaching with what looks like a set of carpenters’ tools. He greets the stranger and asks about his life.

The stranger says “Well, I was a carpenter by trade and worked at it all my life”

Jesus asks “Did you have a son?”

“I certainly did” replies the man, “However, he wasn’t born in the usual way and I sent him out into the world to learn and to do good. I pray that one day we’ll be back together”

Jesus can’t believe what he’s hearing, stares at he man through moist eyes and says “Father?”

The man looks at Jesus and through equally moistened eyes he says “Pinocchio?”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 14 Jun 24 - 09:07 AM

Irritated Boss- "How come you're only sick on weekdays?"

Employee: "Must be my weekend immune system."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 16 Jun 24 - 12:32 PM

When my wife and I broke up she left with my stash.
I'm suing her for joint custody.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Black belt caterpillar wrestler
Date: 16 Jun 24 - 01:13 PM

Dave, the drunk man with the police car in his garage. Pete Macnab used to be in the force and he knows the name of the real life drunk!

Robin

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Jun 24 - 03:00 AM

:-D

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 21 Jun 24 - 04:59 AM

A boy arrives home from school with a trophy in his hand and says to his mum,
"I won the Leslie Nielsen Award at school today!"

"Really?" says his mum, "What's that?"

"It's a big building full of children and teachers but that's not important right now..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Charmion's brother Andrew
Date: 23 Jun 24 - 07:01 AM

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk" exclaims the barman.

"Your ears work, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey, Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again, "with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and asks "What the hell would they want with a plasterer?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 23 Jun 24 - 09:22 AM

I once dated a girl with a twin and people always asked me how I could tell them apart.

It was simple. Alison painted her nails red and Bob had a beard...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 26 Jun 24 - 01:09 PM

Governments are like nappies. They need changing often and for the same reason.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 29 Jun 24 - 09:18 AM

Less is mor

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 30 Jun 24 - 08:26 PM

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?

Eleph I no

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: The Sandman
Date: 12 Jul 24 - 02:33 AM

Essex Boy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with those, sir?"

Essex Boy: "Nah.... She ain't that uglY

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: The Sandman
Date: 12 Jul 24 - 02:37 AM

Whats the difference between an essex girl and a jumbo jet.
a jumbo jet only has one cock pit

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 16 Jul 24 - 08:13 AM

What do you get when you cross a wooly mammoth with a popular Calypso singer?

Hairy Elephante

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 16 Jul 24 - 11:49 AM

A guy with a speech impediment goes shopping. He first goes into a hardware shop and asks for a fucket. A what? the shop guy asks... A fucket a fucket the man asked. Oh a bucket the shop keeper says...Yeah that's what I said, a fucket. Next he goes into a clock shop and asks for a cock..A what? the owner says... A cock a cock, the guy asks…Oh a clock the shopkeeper says... Yeh a feckin cock, wot I said...

Next he goes to a bakers and asks for a bum. A what, you dirty get? the baker says before realising he meant a bun…Then a guy walks up to him and says, Have you got the time mate? The guy with the speech impediment says Yeah. Just hold me bum and fucket while I get me cock out...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Bill D
Date: 17 Jul 24 - 04:00 PM

Woman to butcher: "Have you got any kiddlys?"
Butcher: "You mean kidneys?"
Woman: "That's what I said, diddle I?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Jul 24 - 05:37 PM

Bloke with a stutter goes in the bookies

"I just backed a f... a f... a f..."

"You just backed a favourite?"

"No, I backed a f... a f... a f..."

"You backed a four year old?"

"No, I backed a f... a f... a f..."

"Oh, I've no time for this. Here's £100. Will that do?"

So he takes the £100 and outside he meets his mate.

"That bookie is weird. Just gave me £100 for trying to tell him that I had just backed a f... a f... a five ton truck into his car."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 17 Jul 24 - 06:01 PM

W.. w.. w.. watch out f.. f.. for that d.. dog sh..

T.. too late. You've st.. stood in it.


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 18 Jul 24 - 07:32 AM

My ex wife once stood in front of our full length bedroom mirror, naked, and said 'Mike, I have thinning hair, wrinkles on my forehead, crows feet round my eyes, chicken skin on my neck, My boobs are sagging and have stretch marks, my belly has sagged and also has stretch marks. I have cellulite on my thighs and corns on my feet. Can you tell me something good about me'?> I said 'Yes darling, I can. Your eyesight is faultless'

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Norval
Date: 25 Jul 24 - 12:50 AM

TV Closed Captioning Un-Intended Humor

Donald Trump's VP running mate JD Vance has written a book titled "Hillbilly Elegy"
CNN closed captioning service misinterpreted the title and renamed it "Hillbilly Algae"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 27 Jul 24 - 03:16 AM

> "Hillbilly Algae"

"In tyop veritas" meets "spiel chequer".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 27 Jul 24 - 06:38 AM

A lady tourist in Jerusalem came upon an old Jewish chap at the Wailing Wall and got chatting to him.

"So how long have you been coming here?" she asked.

"Sixty years. Never missed a single day. I pray here to God for world peace, an end to poverty, an end to lying by politicians, a harmonious coming-together of Israelis and Palestinians, for Ukraine..."

"Gosh, what humanity! What dedication! So how do you feel about your decades of prayer for world justice?"

"Hmm," he replied, "I might as well have been talking to a bloody brick wall..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 29 Jul 24 - 07:18 AM

A man is exploring some caves when he comes across an Aladdin's lamp, sat on a stone. He picks it up, gives it a rub and, out of a green mist, a genie appears.

"Master" says the genie. "What is your third and final wish?"

"Third and final?" says the man. "I haven't had my first two yet!"

"On the contrary" replies the genie. "You were unhappy with your first wish, so your second was to undo it and forget all about it."

Realising that it was his last chance, the man gives it some serious thought. At last he says "I want you to make me irresistible to women."

The genie holds his arms out, folds them one over the other, and says "Your wish is my command".

As the genie is disappearing back into the lamp for the last time, the man hears him say "Funny that. That was your first wish as well!"


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 01 Aug 24 - 10:14 AM

An elderly man passed away. He had been a long term member of his local golf club, serving as both vice-captaIn and captain and, for many years, was the oldest player. In all his time there, the 16th had always been his bow-up hole. If he wasn’t in the rough, he was in the trees. He knew each bunker intimately. Easy chips would disappear off the far side of the green. Shorts puts would skim the hole and become long puts.

His dying wish was that he be cremated and his ashes poured into the 16th hole. It was a moving ceremony. The club professional, dressed in plus-fours, led the club members up to the 16th green and the club president carried the Challenge Cup, containing the ashes. After a few appropriate words, the members removed their headgear and the president knelt down to pour the contents of the cup into the hole. Just then, a strong gust of wind blew the ashes out-of-bounds.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 03 Aug 24 - 06:19 AM

Good one Steve!!

I have a shirt and neckwear from a member of the Mamas and the Papas….All the sleeves are brown,,,,and the tie is grey.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 03 Aug 24 - 06:20 AM

I have a shirt and neckwear from a member of the Mamas and the Papas….All the sleeves are brown,,,,and the tie is grey.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 04 Aug 24 - 07:19 AM

A woman and baby are in the doctor's surgery, and the doctor is concerned about the baby's weight.

"Is he bottle-fed or breastfed?"

The woman replies, "Breastfed."

The doctor gets her to strip down to her waist so he can examine her breasts.

He pinches her nipples and rubs both breasts for a while, possibly a little longer than necessary ...

"No wonder the baby is underweight, you have no milk."

The woman replies,

"I know, I'm his granny ... but I'm glad I came!"

Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated.

When they ran into each other later the first old lady said to the second,

"Oh my! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"

The second old lady replied,

"Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing?! My gosh, the penis on it was so large!"

Whereupon the first old lady replied,

"...Yeah, and it was so bloody cold too!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Neil D
Date: 07 Aug 24 - 08:34 PM

Apologies if these have been previously posted but I didn't want to go back and read the entire thread.
Two boys catch a spirit and are each granted a wish. The first youth wants to be the smartest man in the world. Wish granted. The second boy says "Make me smarter than him" so the spirit makes him a woman.
A fellow tells his wife "that postman said he has slept with every woman on the street except one". The wife replies "I'll bet it's that snooty bitch at number 12.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Neil D
Date: 08 Aug 24 - 04:19 AM

A preacher, a priest and a rabbit walk into a bar. The bartender says "What'll you have?" and the rabbit says "I don't know, I'm only here because of auto-correct".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 08 Aug 24 - 08:35 AM

A priest, an imam and a rabbit went to a clinic to give blood. The nurse asked the rabbit “What’s your blood type?" The rabbit replied “I think I’m a type O.”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Bill D
Date: 13 Aug 24 - 02:27 PM

A guy is on trial for seducing an underage girl.
The prosecutor asks him directly:
"Harold, did you in fact have unnatural carnal knowledge of this adolescent?"
Harold: "Hunh?"

The judge interrupts:
"Harold, in case you don't understand technical language, let me rephrase it.
"Did you sleep with this girl?"

Harold: "Not a wink, your honor!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 16 Aug 24 - 05:43 AM

My kids treat me like a god. They pretend that I don't exist until they want something.


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Neil D
Date: 19 Aug 24 - 12:19 PM

Q. What's the difference between a pickpocket and a Peeping Tom?

A. Well, a pickpocket snatches watches...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 23 Aug 24 - 07:03 AM

Bloke had a love of tractors since he was a lad. Loved everything about them. Collected pictures of them and eventually owned one himself. Sadly, on his first ride out the tractor went out of control causing lots of damage and he was seriously injured, putting him off tractors for the rest of his life.

Some years later he was in a pub that caught fire. Panic ensued as the bar filled with smoke and no one could find the exit. Taking a huge breath he inhaled all the smoke the blew it all out of the window, enabling everyone to make their way safely out.

All were very grateful and one guy, amazed at the feat, asked how he did it.

"Easy," he replied. "I'm an ex tractor fan"

I'll get my coat...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 28 Aug 24 - 08:00 AM

A bloke was on his deathbed and said to his wife, "Martha, I need to know from you just one thing before I go. In our 50 years of marriage, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
"Well," she said, "I have to be honest. In all those years I've been unfaithful to you just three times."
He sighed and said, "Well I suppose that three times in all those years isn't that terrible. Tell me about them."
"Well the first time was just after we got married, and we were very hard up. I went to see the bank manager and miraculously he changed his mind about our loan and he gave us a really good deal on a mortgage...?"
"Oh," replied the chap. So you made the sacrifice in order to put us on the right path in life. I can forgive that...."
"The second time was when you needed that critical heart surgery and we couldn't raise the money to go private. I went to plead with the surgeon and he did the operation free of charge...?"
"Oh, so you actually saved my life! I suppose that was well justified. And the third time?"
"Well, remember when you were running for president of the golf club and you needed just 73 more votes ...?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Neil D
Date: 02 Sep 24 - 01:52 PM

A woman is walking on the beach with her little boy when a rogue wave crashes in and carries the child out to sea. As she loses sight of him beneath the waves she falls to her knees and looks heavenward and prays. Oh Lord, my baby boy means the whole world to me, if you can you find it in your heart to return him to me I will live a good and selfless life. Miraculously, a giant sea eagle swoops down from on high, dives beneath the waves, grabs the boy in his beak and comes ashore dropping the child gently at the mother's feet. After checking him all over and finding him to be uninjured, she casts her eyes to heaven once more and says...he WAS wearing a hat.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 03 Sep 24 - 11:34 AM

That reminds me: Sometime in the 1960s, I read an article in a colour supplement about the air-sea rescue people. Apparently, on one occasion, a woman was rescued from the foot of a cliff (incoming tide iirc), but managed to leave behind her fur coat. Her husband sent the coastguards a bill for several hundred pounds to cover the cost of the coat's replacement; by return of post came a bill for several thousand quid, marked "call-out fee".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 04 Sep 24 - 09:00 AM

I really didn't want to go to my appointment at the sperm bank. In the end I just rang them and said I couldn't come...