BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!

Subject: HOUSE MATE AND FLATULANCE WHAT TO DO?!
From: Catherine Jayne
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 09:35 PM

JeZeBeL and I have a wee bit of a troublesome problem with our lovely house mate Chris2far and his flatulant backside which he blames on squeaky floorboards!!!! The problem is he seems to think he can compete on a higher level with one of our 3 cats Gandalf!!! Please could anyone offer any advice on what we can do about this as gas masks are quite expensive and hard to come by!!!! (catsPHiddle)

It's got really bad though, I think he might be turning into one of the cats, you see, he'll walk into our rooms, meow, fart, and leave, exactly like gandalf...I'm sure we can get him proffessional help, but it's expensive and also tig doesn't do massages that stop farts....It's getting beyond a joke, even the paints peeling off the walls now....I'm walking up them pulling me hair out...someone save us, for the sake of humanity.... (JeZ)

So PLEASE PLEASE any advice would be grately recieved ....

catsPHiddle and JeZeBeL xxxxxxx

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: leprechaun
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 09:50 PM

The best defense is a good offense. I recommend garbonzo beans. For a fall-back position, if the war really escalates, see if you can get some abalone. It's expensive, I know, but everybody will beg for mercy.

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: CarolC
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 09:53 PM

I say light 'em.

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: Cap't Bob
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 09:57 PM

You should not complain because you most likely have a gold mine on your hands er.. in your house. First get them in tune. Alum increases the pitch quite nicely while any grease or oil will lower the frequency. Get the cats together, have them play something like "Three Blind Mice" and take them on tour.

If the cats are not musical I would suggest finding someone who is restoring an old house and needs the paint removed from the woodwork and/or walls.

Cap't Bob

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: Bert
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 10:01 PM

You might find some advice on The Cat Farts thread.

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: NicoleC
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 10:20 PM

Treatments: 1) Beano (digestive enzymes, but really just for beans) 2) Bromelain (aka pineapple) 3) Lactaid 4) Digestive enzymes (like Beano, but covers more bases)

Coverups: 1) Improved ventilation 2) French-style perfumed handkerchiefs 3) Lots of incense (which ironically, is processed, perfumed cow xxxx)

Alternately, broccoli works pretty well in the offense department, too :)

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: rangeroger
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 10:25 PM

You should, by all means,feed him as much Vegemite as possible.

rr

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: khandu
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 10:33 PM

Perhaps you should contact Karen "Spaw", she obvoiusly has had much experience with this problem, and I am certain she has a few pointers.

khanduh

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: catspaw49
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 10:54 PM

Welcome to the 'Cat!!!

Yes, it's true that Karen has become quite experienced in dealing with me, but I fear that she discovered that the best defense is a good offense and gawd know she has developed one!!

Carol's suggestion to "light 'em up" is quite good although some caution is warranted. Now the fellas that hang around my place, Cletus, Paw, Buford, and the Reg boys can tell you that even when things aren't quite right, the ability to flare one off can be beneficial as you can read by CLICKING HERE. Also, at times it can be a deeply religious and motivational experience.....as you can read about here.

My best to Jez.........Which ain't much, but at least it's something.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: Sorcha
Date: 06 Feb 02 - 01:16 AM

Hold 'im down and put a pickle in it. Ever'body's gotta bite somethin' and a pickle bites back.........

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: Kaleea
Date: 06 Feb 02 - 01:42 AM

Dear catsphidle. Yes, our beloved kitties can at times be a trifle stressful on our poor, overworked souls. Might I humbly reccommend that you might invest in one of those kitty tower & play sets which are built of smushboard & covered with carpet & have many things to keep kitties amused for hours. I know of some who rub catnip on the thing liberally at bedtime, and the kitties are amused and then, after tiring out, settle down for the night. One can, of course, go to bed & close the door, which will upset them at first but they will eventually get over it. And, of course, one should always confer with one's veterinarian to see if there is a biological reason for the flatulant behavior. Perhaps a change in the nutrients, or some kitty greens growing (a mixture of catnip/peppermint/grass is what my 18 1/2 year old kitty loves) might give the kitties a bit more roughage to keep, shall we say, clean as a whistle.

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: Micca
Date: 06 Feb 02 - 03:21 AM

If all else fails there is, of course, the old reliable, champagne cork and crocquet mallet( one is used to insert the other), it does have the drawback that someone has to touch the person and their underwear!!! , and the subsequent expulsion of the cork can be very hazardous...

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 06 Feb 02 - 06:29 AM

I never realised that you were brought up so genteely Micca. "champagne cork and crocquet mallet" indeed - Sledgehammer and large chunk of tree-trunk (like the stakes in vampire films) work best - use a long coachbolt to prevent expulsion. If you can find a log pair of tongs (like the ones they use for holding "Railroad Spikes") you can keep your distance.

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: Morticia
Date: 06 Feb 02 - 06:58 AM

Try giving him a big feed of chilli, curry ,pickled cabbage and sprouts....he'll be too scared of possible consequences to fart.

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: Catherine Jayne
Date: 06 Feb 02 - 08:05 AM

Cheers everyone!! The cats are sorted but trying to get chris to eat brocoli or vegimite (that is marmite??) is like trying to get blood into a stone. Thanx Micca and Dave for your kind suggestiions but neither of us would like to touch chris's arse or his underwear!!! If anyone knows where to get two nuclear fallout suits one for a tall fiddle player and one for a short bodhran player we would be most grateful!!

catsPHiddle and JeZeBeL xxxxxxxx

Reguards from Jez to catspaw......but not a lot!!!

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: Big Mick
Date: 06 Feb 02 - 08:39 AM

The term "mutually assured self destruction" was resurrected to describe the "Spaw" household. I am told that the State of Ohio has put up "CAUTION - no open flames" signs in a 1 mile perimeter around Spaws house. The pig farm on the east and the turkey farm on the south of Spaws property are complaining about the smell coming from his house. Don't these people understand when they moved in that Spaw was there first. I guess the pigs won't breed because of the smell.

In the firm of Patterson, Fielding, Swan, and Lane, Layabouts-at-Large and for hire, we have assigned Spaw to the Septic Tank Pumpers division. It has opened a whole new field for us. But the Septic Tank Pumpers have to have a lot of time in the field to send Spaw out, so that their sense of smell is sufficiently deadened.

And remember folks, if you are too busy to take a vacation or a day off.............if you need someone to come to your house to drink beer, eat your food, watch TV, and not do the chores, the folks to call are Swan, Patterson, Fielding and Lane, Layabouts-at-large and for hire.

Mick

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: Fortunato
Date: 06 Feb 02 - 09:19 AM

1) Whenever he does this bellow a loud, shrill, off key, chorus of "It was only flatulation, I know".

2)If you do the cooking covert him to vegetarianism. Decaying plants smell better than decaying meat.

If he refuses or cheats on the diet 2) Catheterize his colon and funnel the gas into his face mask. Negative feed back will result. Of course there's always euthanasia. Lace his every meal with Fleet Phospho-Soda. He'll live out his last days in the can. (Putting him out of your misery).

cheers, Fortunato

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: Murray MacLeod
Date: 06 Feb 02 - 09:22 AM

Just on the off chance that the original posting might contain a smidgeon of a genuine plea for help, might I suggest purchasing an air deodoriser called "Neutrodol".

This is the product that veterinary surgeons rely on when they are called upon to perform bowel operations on felines and canines, and it really does work. I have no idea whether it is available in supermarkets in the UK but if not, I am sure your local vet would help.

Murray

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: kendall
Date: 06 Feb 02 - 09:46 AM

I wonder if that stuff would work on my dog? His gas would knock a hyena off a gut wagon! The smell is bad enough, but, it makes my eyes smart.

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: Desdemona
Date: 06 Feb 02 - 09:49 AM

Perhaps you could convince your malodourous housemate to go into "Aroma-Therapy", where he could learn to emit fragrances like "rose petals" or "lilac mist", thereby solving your problem & saving you a fortune on air-fresheners, all in one fell swoop!

See if his health plan covers it!

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: Murray MacLeod
Date: 06 Feb 02 - 09:57 AM

Neutrodol pretty much kills all offensive smells, Kendall. And rapidly. I don't know if that is the name it is marketed under in the US, however.

Murray

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: Catherine Jayne
Date: 06 Feb 02 - 10:02 AM

Yes we can get neutradol over here cos we use it where I used to work, and my grans got some....for my grandad??? It was a genuine plea from help as catsphiddle and I both suffer from asthma. I'll ask tig if she can teach chris aromotherapy!!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: Desdemona
Date: 06 Feb 02 - 10:14 AM

It's worth a try, right?! Always try the "holistic" approach first....;~)

A few years ago, we had (this is nasty) a massive possum crawl under our house & die. Very thoughtless of him. We had the appropriate person ("Critter Control" or some such thing) come & remove his earthly remains, but the, er---melody lingered on. And on. I think the bottle of stuff they left us to combat it must have been Neutrodol; it took awhile, as I reacll, but it helped.

Good luck!

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 06 Feb 02 - 12:39 PM

Fortunato's comment that "Decaying plants smell better than decaying meat" might be true, but the digestion of vegetable matter produces vastly more gas than the digestion of meat - check out the percentage of methane in the atmosphere of New Zealand - caused by all the sheep ! We try to avoid visiting one particular vegetarian household (nearly all female) because of the smell. They seem to spend most of their time farting and are blissfully unaware of the fact that they are doing it. After all what sort of things are blamed for flatulance ? ..... Beans....Brussel Sprouts.....

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: Fortunato
Date: 06 Feb 02 - 01:17 PM

David, are you trying to tell us New Zealand smells like a sheep fart? Damn, I was really looking forward to going there.

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: Ebbie
Date: 06 Feb 02 - 02:04 PM

Chris is a HUMAN bean, right? (Had to bring in the vegetarian reference)

Ebbie

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: Wincing Devil
Date: 06 Feb 02 - 03:17 PM

Easy: STOP DRINKING MILK

My beloved Minnie loves to cleanup my ice cream dish when I'm done, but I pay for it later! We've nicknamed her "Minnie the Pew" ;-)

Wincing Devil   >;-( Milk leads to a tuneful cat!

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: Desdemona
Date: 06 Feb 02 - 03:20 PM

I've heard that many cats are actually lactose intolerant; makes you think twice before offering that saucer of cream, dunnit?

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: Herga Kitty
Date: 06 Feb 02 - 03:41 PM

When I clicked on this thread it was resting just below "Where can I buy a bombarde"......

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: Gillie
Date: 06 Feb 02 - 05:24 PM

First of all welcome, a friend of Jez's is a friend of mine. There are several possibilities, firstly Tig can do something, secondly as Micca suggested a cork, thirdly smile and make a joke of it, fourthly get your own back i.e fart better than him, fifthly get him to move out or move out yourself, sixthly have a can of air spray ready or comstantly bombard the room with aromatherapy smells, seventhly stop feeding him cabbage and brussel sprouts.

Good luck

Gillie

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: Kenny B (inactive)
Date: 06 Feb 02 - 05:27 PM

Always remember the words of the Rabbie Burns?
'Where ere ye be, let yer wind gang free, for keepin' it in'll be the death of me'

and also this short ditty 'To a Fart'- not by Rabbie Burns

'A fart is a breeze
Which gives the belly ease
It smeels up the bedclothes
And suffocates the fleas

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: Catherine Jayne
Date: 06 Feb 02 - 05:59 PM

Our shopping bill consists of pasta cheese milk bread and lots of airfreshner perhaps we should fone up his employer and get him barred from eating beans!!!!! Micca is quite welcome to come over and test his theory out as we are not that willing or brave!

So does New Zealand really smell of sheep farts???? I should take it off my list of places to visit!!!!

catsPhiddle xxxxxxxx

Ps he has just done it again and it smells BAD!!

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: NicoleC
Date: 06 Feb 02 - 08:58 PM

It could be the cheese. If he's lactose intolerant it will often cause major, smelly gas. You might try a bottle of Lactaid on your next grocery list and shove it down his throat next time he goes for a glass of milk.

You may have to train the cats to hold down one appendage each :)

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: GUEST
Date: 06 Feb 02 - 09:54 PM

Easy - join in with him. If the 2 of you start a farting war Im sure hed be bound to lose. It's 2 bums against one - give it a whirl.

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: leprechaun
Date: 07 Feb 02 - 12:55 AM

I'd still put my abalone up against anything man or cat has to offer.

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: Hrothgar
Date: 07 Feb 02 - 07:03 AM

I don't suppose you could blow him/her away....

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: Cobble
Date: 07 Feb 02 - 05:02 PM

Why dont you stick one of Jez's whistles up his arse and start a new musical tradition in the cat.

Cobble. :-)

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 07 Feb 02 - 06:15 PM

Only thing to do is breathe deep, and soon enough you stop noticing it.

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: Ebbie
Date: 07 Feb 02 - 06:19 PM

"You might try a bottle of Lactaid on your next grocery list and shove it down his throat next time he goes for a glass of milk"

"I don't suppose you could blow him/her away.... "

"Why dont you stick one of Jez's whistles up his arse and start a new musical tradition "

"First get them in tune. Alum increases the pitch quite nicely while any grease or oil will lower the frequency. Get the cats together, have them play something like "Three Blind Mice" and take them on tour."

"If the cats are not musical I would suggest finding someone who is restoring an old house and needs the paint removed from the woodwork and/or walls."

Hold 'im down and put a pickle in it.

"I know of some who rub catnip on the thing liberally at bedtime, and the kitties are amused and then, after tiring out, settle down for the night."

Avast there! I think we're talking about a human being here.

:)

Ebbie

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: Arbuthnot
Date: 07 Feb 02 - 06:50 PM

There is a popular brand of garlic tablets in GB which are obtainable from Potters Herbal Supplies of Wigan. These tablets are reputed to reduce flatulence and known to cure bad breath in dogs. Since I used to work for a firm that made them on behalf of Potters, I can state with confidence that the main ingredient is medicinal charcoal, and I believe that it is this ingredient that reduces flatulence and improves dogs' breath, rather than the garlic, although this is probably very good for you anyway. I suggest feeding the farter with the aforesaid garlic tablets. If not available try to get charcoal tablets. Since charcoal is not toxic, try holding the bugger down and feeding him with the whole bottleful at one go. Even if it does not work, the experience might stop him from regarding the matter as humerous.

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: Ebbie
Date: 07 Feb 02 - 07:49 PM

"If not available try to get charcoal tablets. Since charcoal is not toxic, try holding the bugger down and feeding him with the whole bottleful at one go. "

An adult human male might object to this procedure, Arbuthnot. LOL

Ebbie

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: E.T.
Date: 07 Feb 02 - 09:58 PM

Okay - two tries:

1) Maalox or Tums, which are supposed to help stomach problems may lessen quantity

2) Try the allergy diet - start with the blandest four foods you know for 4 days to clean out the system. (chicken, celery, rice, a fruit) Then add 1 food a day. When/if farting increases or changes intensity, eliminate that food. Works for defining asthma problems too. Course it's BORING eating for a while. I had a friend who found apples and onions to be the culprits.

Or shortcut it with some research and try the most likely ones first. I bet on onions or sharp cheese. E.

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: richlmo
Date: 07 Feb 02 - 11:03 PM

My wife of 22 years and I have finally reached an understanding. For the first 10 or so years she insisted that she did not fart. She can no longer hold to that position. ( Beleive Me! ) While I , on the other hand have always maintained a healthy appreciation of the health benefits as well as the competitive nature of the (f)art. A resounding retort, the immediate relief, a robust aroma and a really genuine laugh . What else in life compares? The real question is , "Why have I spent 30 minutes reading all your posts and then responding myself? " I think I will go to bed now. My wife doesn't have a clue!!

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: 53
Date: 07 Feb 02 - 11:08 PM

Farts burn, use his for firewood.

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: Catherine Jayne
Date: 07 Feb 02 - 11:17 PM

my dear cobbles.......Jez is deeply insulted as are her whistles!!!! she went to bed sobbing "Is my playing really that bad!" They are too worthy of chris's arse.

There are now several nuclear fart out zone signs posted about our beloved house which is situated in the middle of no-where..........however our darling house mate does not see the funny side of this and to be honest the aroma pertruding from his behind smells like something has crawled up it and died..........if this goes on Jez and I maybe forced to put him out of his pleasure and out of our misery very soon!!! For the sake of our sanity, sense of smell and for the general well being of the population of this wonderful county of Yorkshire will someone please take him away to get mended!!!!!!

Regards......... a long suffering catsPHiddle and JeZeBeL

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: Catherine Jayne
Date: 07 Feb 02 - 11:24 PM

we dont need to use him for firewood we have gas central heating which combind with his farts its warm enough but could be a leathal combination!!!

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: GUEST,Mary Cranberry
Date: 07 Feb 02 - 11:45 PM

Ask your housemate to try Beano. He's not digesting his foods well, especially the sugars in them. Really works, causes no problems. Just have to use it consistently. Little tablets shaped like beans. Cute & effective

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 08 Feb 02 - 12:04 AM

Eat lots of bread.john

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: CraigS
Date: 08 Feb 02 - 05:01 PM

Sell house with sitting tenant and move to Lancashire

Subject: RE: BS: House mate and flatulance...what to do?!
From: JeZeBeL
Date: 08 Feb 02 - 07:15 PM

peh, we're both yorkshire lasses, why would we do such a horendous thing as move to lancashire!! We're not that desperate!! We'd even consider Hull first, and that's saying something!!

Jez xxx