Second Joke Thread for 2007

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 25 May 07 - 07:46 AM

This thread to be continued with the Third Joke Thread for 2007

Thanks for the contributions s far, make haste and don't tarry to contribute further there.

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 May 07 - 07:32 AM

"New York Cabbie"

A well dressed businessman got into a Manhattan cab
and asked to be taken to LaGuardia. While stuck in the
traffic jam, the businessman leaned forward and said,
"How's your spirit of adventure?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I have to be in Chicago for a meeting, but the
thought of flying there just bores me to tears. Why not
drive me there? The meeting is only an hour. I'll pay the
gas, tolls, your hotel room, meals, and then you can
drive me back tomorrow."

The driver said, "Sure, why not?" and off they went.

They motored through Jersey, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana,
and finally into Chicago. The businessman did his meeting
(while the cabbie waited) came out, got back into the cab
and they took off to the hotel. They shared a huge meal, the
businessman paid for two rooms. The next morning, they
took off back towards Manhattan. When they arrived, the
meter read $4,632.85.

When they got back to the businessman's office, the man
told the cabbie, "Let me go in the bank here and I'll get you
a certified check. I'll make it for $5,000 so you'll get a
sizable tip for your trouble."

"Great," the cab driver said, "Thanks."

"One last thing. When I give you the check, I'd like you to
drive me home, please."

"Where's that?"

"Brooklyn."

"No way!!! I'd have to drive back over the bridge without
a passenger!"

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 May 07 - 09:49 PM

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

    The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some
embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there
is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the
problem further with the doctor in private."

    The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full
of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

    The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered.

    The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

    "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

    "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

    "I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

    The doctor's office erupted in laughter.

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Walrus
Date: 24 May 07 - 08:38 PM

Sorry, the last post 'went off half cocked', it should have read:-


What do you call a black man flying a fighter aeroplane?





V





V






V






V






A pilot, of course! Are you some sort of racist?

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Walrus
Date: 24 May 07 - 08:33 PM

wHAT DO YOU CALL A BLACK GUY

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 May 07 - 05:16 PM

News from Apple Computer :)

    Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants. The iBreast will cost between $499 and $599.

    This is a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them!!!

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mrrzy
Date: 21 May 07 - 02:54 PM

I heard that one with a stutterer and the answer was N-n-n-n-o - sh-sh-sh-shellshock! (Dates it, eh?)

How does the man in the moon get a haircut?

Eclipse it!

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 16 May 07 - 06:48 PM

Florida Seniors

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida adult community.

A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench.

After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"

He replies, "I lived here years ago."

"So, where were you all these years?"

"In prison," he says.

"Why did they put you in prison?"

He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife."

"Oh!" said the woman. "So you're single..."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Another two elderly people living in Clearwater Assisted Living, he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse.

The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal
went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered th
courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration', she answered "Yes.
Yes, I will!"

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to
their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


A little old man shuffled slowly into the "Orange Dipper", an ice cream parlor in Leesburg, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "arthritis."

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Leadfingers
Date: 16 May 07 - 05:17 PM

100

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 16 May 07 - 05:11 PM

Two men were castaways on a small island having been shipwrecked. The island was inhabited by women only and they were told to leave imediately. They pleaded for their lives basically and the elders of the women discussed it in private and came up with a solution. The solution to be in two parts..the first part was:-
"If you each go into the forest or along the beaches and collect 100 fruit, we will let you stay...no more or no less than 100 will do"
So off they went, the first man coming back just an hour later with what he said was 100 grapes.
"The second part " said the queen..."is that I am to push all the fruit up your backside...and you must not laugh or you will have to go".
The first man bent forward and the queen started to push the grapes, one by one, up his backside.....ten...twenty .......fifty....sixty......90....95...96 ....97....98....99 and he burst out laughing uncontrollably.
"That's it" said the queen "you will have to go now but why did you laugh"?
He said "I just saw my friend coming back with 100 coconuts"

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 16 May 07 - 04:45 PM

"Stairway to Heaven"

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were on their way
to Heaven. St Peter told them that the stairway to Heaven
was 1,000 steps, and that on every 5th step he would tell
them a joke.

He told them not to laugh at any of the jokes along the
way or else they would not be able to enter Heaven.

The brunette went first and started laughing on the 45th
step, so she could not enter Heaven.

The redhead went next and started laughing on the 100th
step, so she could not enter Heaven either.

Then, it was the blonde's turn. Step 5 joke had no impact;
she didn't even crack a smile. The same with step 10,
step 15, and 20, all the way up to step 750.

On step 755 she grinned a little, but quickly got under
control.

All was well until she got to the 999th step.

All of a sudden she started laughing, uncontrollably.

"Why are you laughing?" St. Peter asked. "I didn't even tell
a joke."

"I know, I know," the blonde replied. "But I just got that
first joke!"

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Pseudolus
Date: 16 May 07 - 12:49 PM

Besides, it's not him that suffers from it, it's his wife. :)

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 16 May 07 - 12:31 PM

Touch and '''''go''''......go??

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Folkiedave
Date: 16 May 07 - 11:29 AM

Two women chatting and one confesses her husband has a problem.

When pressed she admits it is a "man's" problem.

When pressed even further she admits it is a problem of premature ejaculation.

Her friends asks if it is really serious with him.

It is indeed says her mate - it's touch and go.

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 16 May 07 - 05:33 AM

Oooooo, you naughty boy - how do you know what I might be thinking of unless you have already thought it?

:-P

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 16 May 07 - 02:45 AM

Trigger, Roy Rogers' horse - not what you might be thinking of

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 15 May 07 - 08:55 PM

Wasn't his trigger a bit short too?

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Pseudolus
Date: 15 May 07 - 02:06 PM

Lassie was a boy...

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 15 May 07 - 07:43 AM

Wasn't his trigger a bit short?

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 15 May 07 - 07:36 AM

... and what about Trigger?

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: GUEST,Steve
Date: 15 May 07 - 03:36 AM

There's a world famous actress who wore the same coat in all of her films. Know who she is?















Lassie!

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: JennyO
Date: 14 May 07 - 11:10 PM

Here's the Oz version of an oldie but a goodie - seems apt after a budget full of handouts and with an election looming and all....


While on his morning walk, Prime Minister John Howard falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency ward at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time. So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Welcome to Heaven," says Saint Peter, "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Liberal around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer," says the PM.

"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVENCHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."

"But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," replies Howard.

"I'm sorry ... But we have our rules," Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down ... All the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course.The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is Bob Menzies and thousands of other Liberals luminaries who had helped him out over the years --- Harold Holt, John Gorton, Bill McMahon, etc. The whole of the Liberal Party leaders were there .... Everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.

They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.' They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

The Devil himself comes up to Howard with a frosty drink, "Have a tequila and relax, John!"

"Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge," says Howard, dejectedly.

"This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!"

Howard takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Liberals pulled with the GST and the Free Trade Agreement promises.

They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Howard steps on the elevator and heads upward. When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Howard is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or bad joke among them.

No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special! "Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself. "Bob Menzies never prepared me for this!"

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, "Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."

With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Howard reflects for a minute ... Then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all - but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, kind of like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback.

He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags.

They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Howard and puts an arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers a shocked John, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!"

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 14 May 07 - 08:23 PM

Good one Folkiedave - us Aussies get most of dem dere Brit Jokes...

(tug forelock, run away...)

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Folkiedave
Date: 14 May 07 - 07:18 PM

For UK readers really - I went into the new St Pancras Station Ticket Office.

"Do you do tickets to Paris?"

"Eurostar?"

"Well that's very kind - hear me appearance opn the radio did you?"

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mrrzy
Date: 14 May 07 - 10:28 AM

So Bush is out jogging, and at one point is in the road and a truck the Secret Service didn't re-route is bearing down on him. At the last second, some schoolchildren run out, grab Bush and haul him to safety. Bush is very pleased and says to the children, well, I'm the President of the United States, the most powerful man in the world, and I can get you anything you want as a reward. What would you like? the children look at each other, and say We want a plot apiece at National Cemetary. Bush is surprised, and asks them why that is what they want. Well, say the kids, when our parents find out what we just did... they're gonna kill us!

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 May 07 - 07:30 PM

MaizeMammograms
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and around your home.

EXERCISE ONE:

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut the door as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.

Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

EXERCISE TWO:

Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat with the other breast.

EXERCISE THREE:

Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts.

Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

YOU ARE TOTALLY PREPARED!

AND, just a thought for all the women out there........

MENtal illness,
MENstrual cramps,
MENtal breakdown,
MENopause............

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?......... And
When we have real trouble it's
HISterectomy!!!!

Send this to all women to have a laugh AND, don't forget to have a mammogram!!!!!!

A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 13 May 07 - 08:25 AM

Somebody stole the toilet from the local Police station - the police say they have nothing to go on...

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: GUEST,machree01
Date: 13 May 07 - 07:30 AM

there was a bomb went off in my street, and left a big hole in the ground, police are looking into it.

burglars went into a police station and stole their dogs, police say they have got a few leads

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 09 May 07 - 05:25 PM

From a newsletter just received. This one is FOR REAL.

Without comment:

Windows or Linux: The Battle Rages On
Video by Microsoft
Download your free video now!

Almost certainly an unbiased evaluation important to all computer users and professionals.

(The link is to a page where the video can be downloaded - not directly to the video.)

Sorry, but I found it funny.

John

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mrrzy
Date: 09 May 07 - 12:08 PM

Maybe not a joke, but pretty funny nonetheless - my twins were being vaccinated against some particularly virulent strain of meningitis, and one asked the doctor exactly what they were being vaccinated against. "Meningococcus bacteria" answers the doc. Instantly, Tim turns to me and says, um, ninja cock what?

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 May 07 - 08:32 AM

Cousin Elly is the world's worst at getting instructions
mixed up. When she got married her husband bought
her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had
all the latest gadgets on it.

Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything
worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to
bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready."

A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and
Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.

"Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing
I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every
time I want to make a pot of coffee?"

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Walrus
Date: 01 May 07 - 07:36 PM

The Blind Rabbit and the Blind Snake

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, ker-plop right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh please excuse me. " said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I"m blind and can't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake.
"To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, ;and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out." So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose You must be a bunny rabbit!"

The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?" The snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?" The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're soft, you're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls...You must be a politician."

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 30 Apr 07 - 08:55 PM

The proctologist said to the patient

"Hpw many fingers am I holding up?"

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: bubblyrat
Date: 29 Apr 07 - 03:38 AM

A new vicar arrived in town, and was settling down in the vicarage. One morning, there was a knock at the door. It was a window cleaner, looking for business. “Oh! Yes! Great!” said the vicar. “The Bishop will be calling round later to see how I’m getting on. He’s bound to be impressed!”
    So the window-cleaner gets to work, and it takes some time, as the vicarage is quite large. Eventually, he reaches the last window, a little round one high up in the roof. As he looks through the glass, he is amazed to see the vicar, sitting naked in front of his PC, watching a porno film and masturbating! Climbing back down his ladder, he rings the doorbell, and, after a delay, a rather breathless vicar appears. “I’ve finished, Reverend,” he says. “Good man,” says the vicar. “How much do I owe you?”
    “Five hundred pounds!” says the window-cleaner!
    “Don’t be ridiculous!” says His Reverence. “I’m not paying that!”
    “OK !” says the cleaner, “but I wonder what your new parishioners will say if I tell them what you get up to in that little room upstairs?” So the vicar pays up!
    Later that day, the Bishop arrives.
    “Hello!” he says -”Settling in all right, are we? I must say, the vicarage looks very clean. The windows look spotless! It’s so difficult to find a good window-cleaner these days. How much did yours charge you?”
    “Five hundred pounds!” says the vicar.
    “Five hundred pounds!” exclaims the Bishop. “He must have seen you coming!”

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Apr 07 - 05:04 PM

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad." With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter:
                           

Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm fifteen, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
            
Love, Your Son, John

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.
         
            I love you.
            
            Call me when it's safe to come home.

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Apr 07 - 04:56 PM

Four Catholic Mothers

       Four Catholic mothers were having coffee together and discussing how wonderful their children were. The first mother told her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father."

    The second Catholic woman chirped, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."

    The third Catholic woman said smugly. "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."

    The fourth Catholic woman sipped her coffee in silence. The first three women gave her a subtle "Well....?"

    She replied, "My son is a handsome, 6 foot 8 inch, hard-bodied Chippendale stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, every woman there says, "Oh, My God!"

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Apr 07 - 12:19 PM

BUSINESS NEWS:

News from Apple Computer :)

    Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants. The iBreast will cost between $499 and $599.

    This is a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them!!!

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Apr 07 - 12:17 PM

SOUTHERN GRANDMA

   Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

   He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

   The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

   She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

   The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send your ass to the electric chair."

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mickey191
Date: 26 Apr 07 - 08:02 PM

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift.  The surgeon told her of a new procedure called "The Knob" where a small knob is  placed on the back of her head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.  Of course the woman wanted the knob.
 
Over the years the woman used the knob and the effects were wonderful.  After about fifteen years she returned to the surgeon with two problems.  She told him everything has been good over the years till now.  I've developed these terrible bags under my eyes for one and the knob won't work to get rid of them.  The doctor looked at them and said those aren't bags, those are your breasts.
 
She said "Well I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mr Happy
Date: 26 Apr 07 - 10:55 AM

A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "business trip or vacation?"She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the Annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States". He swallowed, here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your Business Role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.""Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?""Well," she explained," one popular myth is that African men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish,"Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Papadopoulos , but my friends call me Paddy."

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Pilgrim
Date: 26 Apr 07 - 03:20 AM

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the
penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch; and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less; and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh told him to f*** off.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.



The moral of the story - Pay your bills

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Den
Date: 25 Apr 07 - 10:14 AM

Fergie and Beer, brilliant stuff you had me in tears. Here's a couple along the lines of Fergie's.
What do you call an Irish guy with a bow and arrow?
Eamonn
What do you call an Irish guy who steals your beer?
Nick McGuinness
What do you call an Irish guy who hangs from the ceiling?
Sean DeLear
What do you call an Irish guy who bounces off walls?
Rick O'Shea

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Apr 07 - 08:42 AM

"Three Men, A Chicken, And A Cow"

There were three men traveling together, a priest,
a farmer and a lawyer. It was starting to get late
and they needed to find a place to sleep.

They came across this farm and they asked the
farmer there if they could spend the night. He said,
“That’s fine but my guest room is only big enough
for two people, one of you will have to sleep in the
barn.”

The priest said, “I don't mind sleeping with God's
creatures, I will take the barn.” So they all agreed
and went to their rooms.

About an hour later there was a knock at the guest room
door and there stood the priest. “There is a chicken in
there that won't stop clucking! I'm sorry but I'm going to
have to sleep in the guest room.”

“That's ok,” said the farmer, “I'll sleep in the barn, after
all, I'm used to it.” So they all agreed and traded places.

About an hour later there was a knock at the guest
room door and there stood the farmer. “I can't stand
the odor from that cow in there any more. I'm sorry
but I'm going to have to sleep in the guest room.”

“Well, I guess that leaves me,” said the lawyer. So
he went to sleep in the barn. About an hour later
there is a knock at the guest room door and there
stand the chicken and the cow....

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Beer
Date: 24 Apr 07 - 08:48 PM

Best Short Scottish Joke

    A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

      "Excuse me Miss, day ye hav any books on suicide?"


       Looking over the top of her glasses, she stops doing her tasks and
       says, "Fauk off, ye'll no brring it back!"

   That's enough from me.
Beer

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mr Happy
Date: 24 Apr 07 - 08:45 PM

As he lay in bed the phone suddenly rang. He listened and then shouted down the phone "How should I know, I'm not a weather man!" then slammed the phone down.

"Who was that" his wife asked? "No idea," he said. "Some idiot asking if the coast was clear".

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Beer
Date: 24 Apr 07 - 08:44 PM

President Felipe Calderon of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the next Summer Olympics.
He said that,

"Anyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country."

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Beer
Date: 24 Apr 07 - 08:42 PM

A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman
standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.

"My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like
most - cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked.

"Beertits," he said.

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Beer
Date: 24 Apr 07 - 08:41 PM

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
    “Who the hell are you?” demanded Dave, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”
    The mysterious man answered, “This isn’t your bedroom, and I’m St Peter.”
    Dave was stunned. “You mean I’m dead! That can’t be! I have so much to live for! I haven’t said goodbye to my family. You’ve got to send me back straight away.”
    St Peter replied, “Yes, you can be reincarnated, but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.”
    Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
    A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
    “This ain’t so bad,” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
    The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, “So you’re the new hen. How are you enjoying your first day here?”
    “It’s not so bad,” replies Dave, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode.”
    “You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster. “Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before.”
    “Never,” replies Dave.
    “Well, just relax and let it happen.”
    And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him...ever!
    The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...
    “Dave! Wake up, you drunken bastard! You’ve shit the bed!”

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 24 Apr 07 - 08:18 PM

Uncle Dave O

To get some of these, you have to say them out loud, and let your ear "get the joke" - of course if you don't use the right accent...

This is a bit like the "whale oil beef hooked" game... :-)

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Apr 07 - 08:00 PM

Fergie, I don't get it.

Dave Oesterreich