BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted

Subject: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: GUEST,Pierre Le Chapeau
Date: 28 Feb 09 - 06:51 PM

Having alighted a train at Waterloo station I was on my way to work on the Lambeth road when I was stopped in the street by two strangers who said to me,
"Excuse me do you know where Waterloo is. In reply I said Indeed I do
Its a big muddy battle field in Belgium. They looked at first quite bewildered then it sank in and they laughed like hell Great to cheer folk up. I Then directed them properly.

I answered the same question in the same way a couple of years back
in the work place and the person complained to management and I ended up on a diciplinary. Which was thrown out and replaced with a verbal warning. ain't folk funny ?

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Leadfingers
Date: 28 Feb 09 - 07:00 PM

Didn't Winston Churchill want part of his Funeral Procession to be on The Thames , as that would involve the French having to come via Waterloo Station ?

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Bill H //\\
Date: 28 Feb 09 - 07:00 PM

The next time someone says to you "...Have A Good Day"--and they always do---tell them this--"...I Have Other Plans". That I attribute to the brilliant raconteour and actor--Peter Ustinov

Bill Hahn

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: kendall
Date: 28 Feb 09 - 07:04 PM

My big mouth has gotten me into trouble many times.

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 28 Feb 09 - 07:13 PM

No, they ain't funny, a good part of the time. It's probably not a good idea to give a facetious answer to a serious question when (1) the person you're answering is a stranger, not a friend; and (2) it's your job to give customer service.

Now, having said that, I'll give you a couple of examples of quick-witted replies I have witnessed.

*
Bob and Vern were two of my coworkers who liked to tease each other about getting old.

One day Vern was walking around the office with his fly accidentally open, until Bob pointed it out to him. Then Vern said, while he zipped up: "Well, you know what they say; it pays to advertise."

Bob replied, "Advertise? What have you got to advertise? Are you having a going-out-of-business sale?"

*
This exchange was between two physics students. I'll call them Al and Sammy.

Frank was moaning about an experiment that had gone wrong: "Why does this always happen to me?"

Sammy said, "Maybe you're stupid."

Frank was used to this kind of abuse from Sammy, so he didn't get mad. He only complained: "Sammy, that was a rhetorical question. It doesn't require an answer."

Sammy replied, "Well, that was a rhetorical answer. It doesn't require a question."

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Feb 09 - 08:38 PM

Years ago, when I worked for the court, I had a travel voucher which the judge had to sign, for me to get a several hundred dollars travel advance when the court went "on the road". My judge was not in town to sign, so I went to one of the other judges, a very quick-witted one, of good humor.

I went into his chamber, bearing the voucher, and I said, "Judge, I need your auto-giraffe."

Without missing a fraction of a beat, he replied, "Sorry, my giraffe is a windup model!"

I almost collapsed on the floor, laughing!

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Ebbie
Date: 28 Feb 09 - 08:47 PM

"The next time someone says to you "...Have A Good Day"--and they always do---tell them this--"...I Have Other Plans". Bill H

Why is it that no one complains when someone greets one with "Good morning!" or parts from you with a soft "Good night"?

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Feb 09 - 08:57 PM

Sometimes I'll growl, "Don't tell me what kind of a day to have!"

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Alice
Date: 28 Feb 09 - 09:04 PM

When people say, "Have a nice day" or "Have a good day", they are just being polite to wish you well. Like Ebbie says, it is no different than "Good morning".
Why would one be proud of giving a rude response?

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: gnu
Date: 28 Feb 09 - 09:22 PM

Young lad says to his new boss, "I had to get out of that backwards town. Nothing but footballers and whores."

Boss says, "My wife comes from that town."

Lad asks, "What team does she play for?"

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Pierre Le Chapeau
Date: 28 Feb 09 - 09:29 PM

Hi Everyone.
Good humour and wit go well with some people more then others I try to apply it in a way that is not rude. Its the tone of voice and facial expression that determines the above. If I swore and growled it at the folk on the street I would most certainly have had a diferent response.

Has for customer service most of the time people are polite some of the time they are rude to me.some excell at being rude .All in a days work.

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Bill D
Date: 28 Feb 09 - 09:48 PM

A number of years ago, I bumped into someone who had moved suddenly...they said, "Oh, excuse me, am I in your way?"

I replied almost instantly, "No, you're in my way!"

Well, it worked fine, they did a double-take and we had a good laugh. Since then, I've tried out the line 6-7 more times, getting everything from a puzzled look to a hostile remark to more laughter at my cleverness. No form of humor is 'safe'.

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: frogprince
Date: 28 Feb 09 - 10:56 PM

Worked for awhile in a children's shoe store; as lady came in, picked up a "first walker" style shoe, and asked "How much do these run?". I replied, "Until the child gets tired, Ma'm". She took it ok and laughed.

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Peace
Date: 28 Feb 09 - 11:01 PM

Whwn I accidentally bump into people, I

1) apologize and

2) tell them I drive like that, too.

Generally gets a smile.

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: GUEST,Slag
Date: 28 Feb 09 - 11:22 PM

My latest, I was visiting my mom and we decided to watch a British program, Doc Martin. It was terrible. At one point one of the actors is bitten by an "adder" (do you really have adders in England?). Doc says something to the effect "Id' better put a tourniquet above the knee." to which I responded "Put it above his collar and save us all." Mom may be a little biased but we both had a great laugh!

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: DMcG
Date: 01 Mar 09 - 01:38 AM

I normally sing unaccompanied. On one occasion, a friend remarked that I'd sang something perfectly pitched at A. "Don't worry", I instantly responded, "it won't happen again."

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Lizzie Cornish 1
Date: 01 Mar 09 - 07:42 AM

We need far more humour in this politically correct world.

In Sidmouth doctor's surgery, an elderly gent came out from seeing his GP, and he was crying with laughter. He walked into the busy and packed waiting room, filled with other elderly people (Sidmouth's a retirement town for those who don't know)...His wife asked him what was so funny..

"After I'd told the doctor all my symptoms he said to me, 'The trouble with all you old folk, Mr. Smith, is that you come down here to die, and then you darn well forget to do it!'"

I doubled up, but..er..the rest of the waiting room went icy silent, you could have cut the atmosphere with a knife. The elderly gent didn't even notice, because he was so busy giggling..He had twinkly eyes and wrinkles that went upwards, which I guess said a lot about him...

Yesterday in the shop we had this wonderful lady in, she was almost 80, came from Seaton, the next town along the coast..and she was ranting on about all the 'old' folk in town yesterday. She was the youngest looking almost 80 that I've ever seen, and she never stopped chuckling whilst telling me outrageous stories the whole time she was in the shop. An absolute gem of a woman she was...

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Acorn4
Date: 01 Mar 09 - 08:03 AM

I think the best off the cuff riposte I've heard was from a bloke I knew when I lived in East Sussex who worked as a barman. He had a very prominent beer belly.

One of the customers said to him, one day:-

"Mick, if that was on a woman, she'd be pregnant!"

To which the reply was:-

"Do you know something ? It was - and she is!"

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Mr Happy
Date: 01 Mar 09 - 08:21 AM

.........boils down to the fact that when folk say stuff like 'Hi, how are you?' they don't really want to know how you are, it's just an habitual greeting.

Sometimes I'll respond 'as well as can be expected under prevailing circumstances' often producing expressions of perplexity.

Is it just me that's bugged by these daft phrases?

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Acorn4
Date: 01 Mar 09 - 08:40 AM

I went into PC World lasy week -soemthing I only do if really short of time and bought a cartridge for my laser printer.

On the way out the cheery cashier said:-

"Thankyou very much , sir. Enjoy your printing!"

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 01 Mar 09 - 09:27 AM

At one time early in my chequered past I worked for a well known Tailor and remember getting a bit fed up with people who came in to try things on..... largely because they always complain that the item does not fit them when in actual fact it is they who do not fit the item which was made the size it is. Human nature dictates that we blame others or other things when in fact we might well be the ones at fault. So please remember peeps.. when you try that dress or those trousers on... You can say "I am too big for it/them" not 'It/they is/are too small for me'
Best wishes, Mike.

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Mr Happy
Date: 01 Mar 09 - 09:37 AM

......know what ye mean, whenever I hang me clothes in the wardrobe, they always shrink!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: MartinRyan
Date: 01 Mar 09 - 11:22 AM

Last autumn, I was walking through a small village in Galway, in the West of Ireland, wearing a rather fetching Breton jumper and sporting a tan (Mind you, the latter was only because I'd been receiving UV treatment for one reason or another). A car stopped and a woman leaned out the window to ask directions: "Excuse me" sez she "Do you speak English?". "Jeez, I hope so", I replied "or me mother will never forgive me!".

Regards

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Naemanson
Date: 01 Mar 09 - 01:47 PM

How are you?

Some replies from my father and me. These are all dependent on circumstances.

Fair to partly cloudy.
Still fogging a mirror.
As well as could be considering the alternatives.
Healthy, happy, and horny.
Unfortunately, I'm awake!

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Pierre Le Chapeau
Date: 01 Mar 09 - 03:15 PM

For 25 years I worked has a tour guide in a vast underground cave system and when i was not guiding I was expected to carry out other duties like work in the shop or answer the phone.

some of the enquires used to have me in stitches and my response to the caller had me Manager pulling his Hair out. But even he laughed.

For instance. Phone rings I answer.. "Good morning Chislehurst Caves Pierre speaking how can I help?... Oh Hello .....er .Yes Is it wet when it rains? Yes I would reply it generally is wet when it rains but thankfully the caves are dry.

another question was......"are the Caves underground ?...No madame there in the car park.

I have had these folk in stitches along with me self and most of the time and I mean this sincerely folk realized what they had asked of me and we all ended up laughing..
Kind regards to all and thanks for responding to this Thread,
Pierre.

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 01 Mar 09 - 03:47 PM

My son picked up call from his friend on our kitchen phone. I overhear his side of the conversation.

Where am I? I dunno! What number did you call?

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Tangledwood
Date: 01 Mar 09 - 05:07 PM

At a party many years ago a dizzy blond whom nobody seemed to know was irritating everybody. She was roaming around, interrupting every conversation, and loudly introducing herself: "Hi, I'm Patti with an "i". "

When she did that to a workmate and I he responded "That's Pity isn't it?"

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Acorn4
Date: 01 Mar 09 - 07:33 PM

When I first met my wife, my future stepdaughter was 4 years old.

We went to Stratford-on-Avon, and she appeared fascinated by the ducks, so I started making stupid duck noises. She turned to me and said:-

"You're not a duck!"

"Oh, yes I am!"

"Well, get in the water then!"

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Ebbie
Date: 01 Mar 09 - 07:37 PM

"How are you?" A friend of mine always responds with "Compared to whom?"

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Bill D
Date: 01 Mar 09 - 07:51 PM

Many years ago, I ran for political office....for state senator in Kansas. I was not seriously trying to win, but a friend was running, and his manager wanted someone...me... to split the vote so the bad guy didn't win.

Well, my friend didn't win, but another good guy did, and MY 700 votes made the difference and helped defeat the bad guy by about 300.

After the election, his happy manager, an aspiring politician, met me and was happily congratulating me..and himself... for pulling it off.

"By golly, Bill", he said,"you were great! We ought to really run you next time...why, by the time I'm finished with you, you'll either be Governor, or you'll be sick of me!"

I looked at him a second and repiled mildly, "David...what if I'm both?"

The look on his face was priceless.

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: kendall
Date: 01 Mar 09 - 09:04 PM

A few years ago I went to a gathering of folkies, and this guy I had never met but knew of came in with a sea urchin. Spines and all, and he headed toward me announcing that it was for the biggest prick in the house. If I had had time to think I never would have said it, but I didn't, and I blurted out, "Does your wife tell you everything she knows"?
Lucky for me he had a great sense of humor, and so did his wife. They became good friends with Jacqui and me.

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: GUEST,Mrr
Date: 02 Mar 09 - 09:57 AM

So, Mom and I are headed for France coming over the Channel on a June 6th many years ago... thinking about how it was her brother's birthday... and the helpful porter on the English side asks us where we're going, and we say (truthfully), Normandy. Immediately he says What, again? And we didn't get it till we got to Normandy and everything was 6th June Street and 6th June Place, and we realized we crossed over on D-Day! The porter must have thought we were feeble-minded...

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Bill D
Date: 02 Mar 09 - 02:44 PM

I posted this once before, but it is one of the best quick answers I ever heard...

Year ago, when my ex-wife & I were in financial difficulties and behind on car payments, two wide-necked 'collectors' showed up at the door and demanded we "pay up"...Explanations about "soon" and "food priorities" did no good, and they kept insisting, even as they began to walk away.....when suddenly, one turned and used the ultimate shameing tactic..."aren't you good Christians? Don't you read your Bible?"

As I gawked in disbelief, wondering why that was relevant, my wife just shouted back.."I read the Bible enough to remember the part where Jesus threw the money-lenders out of the temple!"

They stopped, sputtered, and left without another word.

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: kendall
Date: 02 Mar 09 - 03:18 PM

Good one Bill!

A few years ago I was having a problem with my knee and a neighbor loaned me a magnetic bandage. I wrapped it around my knee, on the outside, and walked into a small country store. The clerk, a young woman, saw the bandage and asked "Oh, what did you do to your knee."
Without thinking I replied, "My wife and I were doing it like dogs and she ran up under the porch."
I thought sure she would be offended, but she laughed so hard I think she wet herself.

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: GUEST,Slag
Date: 02 Mar 09 - 03:20 PM

Amen!

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Bill D
Date: 02 Mar 09 - 03:28 PM

I sure hope that "Amen" was to my post and not Kendall's... *grin*

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Ed T
Date: 02 Mar 09 - 08:03 PM

I was once at a public meeting with a presentation, followed by a question and answer period.

During the question and answer period, an older gentleman went up to the m icrophone and made a short andopinionated speech on the meeting topic.

When he was finished, the moderator asked, "but what is your question".

The elderly gentleman looked somewhat puzzled, thought for a second and shot back, "my question is, what do you think of that"

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Ed T
Date: 02 Mar 09 - 08:14 PM

A few years ago, I went without my spouse to a party being held by a long lost University friend. Formerly settled down, he was recently divorced and becaome re-involved with a long lost love from his high school days. What seemed odd was, while he had a professional career and associated lifestyle, his new squeeze's lifestyle remained much the same as in her high school days.

When talking to her, she told me of recent acid trips, drinking, wild parties and weird people she had met. She asked me if I was married. I replied affirmatively. She then asked, "where is your wife tonight"?
I could not help myself, I responded "she is in prison" The woman looked quite shocked, and then impressed. All that night I see her point me out to tell folks that she just met a guy whose wife was in prison. And, she seemed quite impressed.

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: treeman
Date: 02 Mar 09 - 09:51 PM

Twas the dying days of our marriage when during another pointless argument, she,d said something along the lines of, "Well what have you learned? "Without a seconds thought, I replied," You can take a horse to water, but you can,t make it drink". It summed her up and killed the argument because we both started to laugh. That was twenty years ago and I still miss her; when I get my new glasses I,m hoping my aim will improve!

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Mar 09 - 10:18 PM

Cartoons I did today


Buy a package of Stimuless today


http://usera.imagecave.com/donuel/end.jpg

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Mar 09 - 10:19 PM

http://usera.imagecave.com/donuel/end.jpg

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Michael
Date: 03 Mar 09 - 11:46 AM

I was walking along the street,minding my own business, when this guy I didn't recognise started to wave and shout a greeting.
As he got nearer he said "I'm sorry, I thought you were somebody."
I replied "I am". Exit confused and embarassed man.

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Mar 09 - 11:51 AM

Taxi driver to my Mom: where is your accent from?
Mom: eet comes frrrom trrying to speek Engleesh!

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Pierre Le Chapeau
Date: 03 Mar 09 - 01:08 PM

I now work in one of the big museums in London and we have to carry out Bag searches has folk enter the building. Most of the time folk are Ok about this but I must admit its can be somewhat irritating if the queue is a long one and its stretches outside and its raining.

These are not random bag searches we search every Bag. Being has we are not allowed to touch the bag at all its up to the person to open it and reveal the contents.

This women said to me " I aint got not much in er thata interest you, Just some Car keys some snotty hankies and some bubble gum. She plunged her hand in her bag revealed her Car keys and a handful of hankies and a packet.
There you are you see she said.
I replied , I bet those bubble gums last a long time do they not.
She was holding aloft a packet of Mates condoms.

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Ed T
Date: 03 Mar 09 - 04:58 PM

A buddy went into a pharmacy seeking condoms, and asked a clerk, do you carry Crest's?

The clerk said yes we do, and mistakingly assuming he wanted Crest tooth paste, said...do you want small, medium or family size?

Puzzled, my buddy replied, does the family size have holes in them?

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Mar 09 - 12:03 AM

I went into a grocery store and asked "where are the pens?"
She led me to adult diapers. I told her , oh no, I wanted pens to write with not to wet with.

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: GUEST,Slag
Date: 04 Mar 09 - 07:37 PM

Michael! I had the exact same thing happen to me and to which I spontaneously replied "That's OK, I thought I was too."

Footnote: I've made that mistake more than once myself.

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Joe_F
Date: 04 Mar 09 - 08:45 PM

My reply to "How are you?" is "Can't complain" or "Could be worse", pretty much at random.

*

Chesterton & Shaw were good friends, tho they disagreed about almost everything, and they were very fat & very thin respectively. One day Chesterton told Shaw "To look at you, I'd think there was a famine in England" and Shaw replied "To look at you, I'd think you'd caused it".

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Ebbie
Date: 04 Mar 09 - 09:37 PM

After 15 years or so living in Alaska I attended a family funeral in Oregon.

A man and his wife whom I hadn't seen in those years came up to me to greet me, a lovely man but slight as a wraith and pale as a ghost. I have always liked them although they are about 20 years older than I.

He looked me up and down and said, with a grin: "Well, I see there is enough to eat in Alaska."

I did the same to him and smiled. I said, "I'm sorry to see that's not true of Oregon."

He looked crestfallen but his wife hooted. "Serves you right", she told him.

If I didn't like him, I would hope that I would have resisted the retort.

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: robomatic
Date: 04 Mar 09 - 10:39 PM

Pierre Le Chapeau your first post was an example of opportunistic humor. May hit a nerve right and get the big laugh, or as you discovered at work, it might just hit a nerve. You reminded me of the Monty Python skit which goes-

- - - - -
"My name's smoketoomuch"
"Well, you'd better cut down, then!"
"Excuse me?"
"You said your name's smoke-too-much so I said 'You'd better cut down, then', get it? You must hear that a lot!"
"Why, no, I never heard that before!"
- - - - -


I've made my share of cheap remarks and had the full range of responses.


Jim Dixon's examples of his coworkers and science lab were funny with some genuine fast paced wit. I actually laughed simply reading them.

My friend and coworker Bill got a good laugh at my expense many years ago when our growing company announced it was looking for a new site to expand into. I mentioned that my old elementary school was on the block, whereupon Billie without a pause said: "You can have your old desk back!"

I just can't think that fast, but I can sure laugh that fast!

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: GUEST,Slag
Date: 05 Mar 09 - 12:52 AM

So Robo, what was your company growing?

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Pierre Le Chapeau
Date: 05 Mar 09 - 01:37 PM

Hi Robo.
I guess the women who reported me at work may well have been stressed out. she kept hopping from one foot to another.

I remember she asked me where Waterloo was Etc,
and my answer big Muddy Battlefield etc etc.

She then said to me " I can see clearly I wont get no sense out of You, Scoffed at me and stormed off.

I was called to the office to answer for my statement and
I was asked to repeat meself to me Manager and some Personnel officer. My manager told me my behavior was unexceptable told me I was facing disiplinary action and could lose me Job.
Anyway it was thrown out two days later and I recieved a verble warning from the same manager.
If I did not know better I think they all had a bloody good laugh about behind me back

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: frogprince
Date: 05 Mar 09 - 02:04 PM

Sometimes I've made a quip that didn't really amount to anything, but apparently made it to the right person at the right time. My wife and I stopped for lunch at a little cafe in Tennessee. I wasn't looking for anything fancy, so I ordered (if I remember right) beans and cornbread, just because you would never see that on the menu in Michigan. The waitress was a slender blonde with "Cookie" on a name tag:

Waitress Cookie: "Would you like chowchow with that?"

Me, having never heard of chowchow: "Is that anything like puppy chow?"

She laughed until she was in tears and choking, and it soon became contagious.

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Bill D
Date: 05 Mar 09 - 05:17 PM

One of the difficulties in any form of commumication... especially in 'humor' is being sure you & your audience 'speak the same language'. "Chowchow" is not a really common term..it took ME a second to think about the context and remember what it was. It is often hard for some folks to be aware of what parts of their speech are universal, and which parts are local, or dialect, or slang, or 'brand names' (Kleenex...Jello)

Similarly, clever or humorous remarks can just be mystifying to those who lack the context to 'get it'.
I have had Brits 'explain' Cockney rhyming slang to me on several occasions, but it-just-ain't-funny when you don't know what is being rhymed!
There have been places where *I* worked where I just never tried to tell certain jokes or make many puns.

Ya' gotta be careful.......

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Neil D
Date: 05 Mar 09 - 05:51 PM

I call this being a smartass and I remember the first time I ever did it at age 11. I was second in line at the neighborhood ice cream stand and the guy in front of me was ordering a milkshake. The server asked "Would you like that in a bag?" and I blurted out "No, he'd like it in a cup." He laughed but she scowled and I suddenly realized she would also be preparing MY order. I decided to come back another time.

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: bald headed step child
Date: 05 Mar 09 - 07:39 PM

Sometimes they just don't get it.

About a year ago I went to the local Long John Silvers(fish and chips place,for the Brits), to get dinner for 4 people. I was the ONLY customer there. I'm not small, but not really large either. 6'1",200lbs. I ordered 16 pieces of fish, cole slaw, hush puppies, fries and fish bites. Quite a bit of food for 4 people, but I wanted to make sure each person had enough of what they liked. I believe it took 3 large sacks to hold it all.

I repeat, I was the ONLY person there when the girl taking my order asked if it was for here or to go. I said "yeah, I'll just eat it here", and she started putting it on trays.

BHSC

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Ythanside
Date: 05 Mar 09 - 09:06 PM

One lovely spring morning I called my wife to say breakfast was ready. She appeared, still half asleep and bleary eyed, and sat at the table.

When I grinned at her troubled expression she wailed 'Oh God, I'm forty years old today.'
She looked up at me and said, pleadingly, 'Do I look forty?'

'Naw,' I assured her, still smiling, and allowed a few seconds to pass before adding, 'You USED to.'

She was forty years and one week old before she spoke to me again.



Twenty-five years later she STILL doesn't think that was funny.

Women, eh?

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Joe_F
Date: 05 Mar 09 - 09:11 PM

When I was an undergraduate, another one was holding forth in the student-house lounge about his sexual exploits. He mentioned dog style, and asked if his interlocutor had ever done that. No, but I have done it semi dog style. Oh, what's that? The same, but without the licking and sniffing.

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Art Thieme
Date: 05 Mar 09 - 10:03 PM

Working at a record store in Chicago's "Loop" area downtown about 40 years ago, a customer asked, "Do you have Tebaldi?" I answered, "We did have her, but we run-out-o' Tebaldi."

(The soprano's name was Renatta Tebaldi!)

The same customer, noticing the escalater to the second floor with no down escalator in view asked, "How do you get down from the second floor?" Of course, I answered, "You don't get down from the second floor.----You get down from a goose!"

She just stared at me.-----So I said, "If you don't have a sense of humor, it isn't funny."

She left the store without buying anything.

Art Thieme (Maybe ya had to be there. ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Bill D
Date: 05 Mar 09 - 10:26 PM

Was that "Rose's Record Store", Art? I spent a large part of a 7 hour train layover in Rose's about 35 years ago...had money in my pocket when I went in.

Talk about quick witted... I walked in, stopped and looked around at this HUGE place. A clerk squatting by one wall looked up and asked "Can I help you?"

I said "Caedmon". He twisted to his right, still squatting, and did this awkward, but definitive, 'gesture' with his left arm, pointing OVER the rows to the far wall (you had to be there).....where I found some of the Child ballad records I was looking for. Then, sensing I was on a quest, he asked what I was after. "Oh, those..", he said, "You can find several more in the cut-out bin upstairs." So,up I go...to the 2nd floor where $5 records were $1.99. Wow...got 7 of the set that day!

(Kinda pointless post if it was NOT Rose's, huh?)

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Art Thieme
Date: 05 Mar 09 - 11:23 PM

Bill,

You got it! It WAS Rose Records---214 South Wabash Ave. It was my day job then. Already was playing at the No Exit Coffeehouse evenings. I was working there when J.F.K. was assassinated -- in '63. Met Moondog there---and Beverly Sills. As I've said, when our son, Chris, was born in 1970 I went back to working there. It was "Day job vu all over again."

Art

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 06 Mar 09 - 08:19 AM

A colleague E-Mailed me this one as a true story :

The shopfitters had nearly finished the shopfit, and one said to the other :

"Any minute now someone'll ask us what we're selling".

Sure enough, an elderly chap poked his head round the door and asks

"What are you selling ?".

One shopfitter answered : "We're selling arseholes."

"Brilliant", says the old chap "You've only got two left ! Well done !"

(My colleague - much younger than I commented - 'Old folk - you've got to love them !')

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Ebbie
Date: 06 Mar 09 - 04:58 PM

lol Good one.

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Bert
Date: 06 Mar 09 - 10:08 PM

...but it-just-ain't-funny when you don't know what is being rhymed!
...

It isn't meant to be funny, it is meant to be obscure so that outsiders won't understand what you are talking about.

Some sitcoms use it to be funny though. Like when Steptoe was sitting on a pew in church and wriggling uncomfortably. He says "Me Farmers ain't 'arf givin' me gyp!"

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Pierre Le Chapeau
Date: 07 Mar 09 - 12:52 AM

"Me Farmers aint arf giving me gyp is the dreaded Cockney slang.
I know a bit about it.

The above translated means
"Me Piles are hurtings.

Its a method of speaking that is now long forgotten and comes right from the East End of London where I come from.

For the benifit of me friends across the pond I will open a thread about it and try to explain it. If you folk want me to ?

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Pierre Le Chapeau
Date: 07 Mar 09 - 01:02 AM

I hasten to add that it is still to this day spoken by
"The Old school" Eastenders.In East London England.

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Ebbie
Date: 07 Mar 09 - 11:06 AM

Well, Pierre Le Chapeau, I, for one, would be interested because - look here:

"Me Farmers aint arf giving me gyp

"Me Piles are hurtings."

Which parts are supposedly rhymes?

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Bert
Date: 07 Mar 09 - 11:33 AM

Farmer Giles - Piles

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: GUEST,John from Elsie`s Band
Date: 07 Mar 09 - 11:58 AM

Our friend David, working in his wife`s family`s haberdashery in Clacton greeted a customer. She said, "Good morning, I would like to buy a hat, suitable for a funeral"
David offered his commiserations and asked her when the sad event was to take place. She replied, "In about 3 months time."

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Pierre Le Chapeau
Date: 07 Mar 09 - 12:17 PM

Hi Ebbie.
Berts , got it Cockney slang is a rhyming slang.
For instance................................................. Apples and Pears=Stairs.
                                                                               Bull & cow = row ....................(Argument )
                                                                               Sister = Blood Blister.

So East enders would use a mixture of Rhyming slang and ordinary words to form a sentence.

For example
If I was to say

" I had a row with me sister and she fell down the stairs.

In Cockney Rhyming slang that would translate has.

'' I had a Bull and Cow with me blood blister and she fell down the Apple and Pears.

Kind Regards
Pierre.

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: robomatic
Date: 07 Mar 09 - 06:12 PM

There are words used in the States that derive from cockney slang but the connection has been lost.

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Ebbie
Date: 07 Mar 09 - 06:38 PM

Waaal, that is great fun but I would imagine you'd have to grow up in it to learn it. Simpler to say: I had a row with my sister and pushed her down the stairs, innit?

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: HuwG
Date: 07 Mar 09 - 07:55 PM

In classic Cockney-speak, you don't say the word which rhymes with the object or person you are describing, but you do say the other word which is part of the phrase. For example, you would say to somebody who is unaccountably smartly-dressed, "Nice whistle, mate." (Whistle and flute = suit).

You might also say, "I didn't know you were up before the magistrates today", but that's beside the point.

Some of these associations require much experience, or a truly warped crossword-solver's brain to appreciate.

"Can I use your dog, mate?" (Dog and bone = phone)
"Sure, but if you just want to call a sherbet, there's one outside." (Sherbet dab = cab)

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Bill D
Date: 07 Mar 09 - 08:34 PM

re: rhyming slang...see my post above at
Date: 05 Mar 09 - 05:17 PM

I still don't understand either the slang, or why anyone would try to explain it or, especially, use it with folks who weren't brought up with it.

Ok, I'm narrow-minded I guess... ☺

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Pierre Le Chapeau
Date: 08 Mar 09 - 09:06 AM

Hi Bil D,
Some folk on this site find the subject of Cockney slang interesting, I see no reason opening up another thread . and if you do not want to contribute you do not have to.
I do not think you narrow minded.

Lets not have a Bull and Cow other this. Just do not Submit Easy.

Hi Folks
It was only a small part of a vast city( Londons East end) that folk used this highly confusing slang,
The examples on this site given by me and HuwG are just simply statements. My grandfather had a friend who could speak Cockney slang to a fashion whereby I found it hard to know half the time was he was talking about.
My grandfather understood cockney slang but hardly ever spoke it.

Cockney slang did have its benefits.
It is great if you do not want other folk to know your business or affairs . for instance People Ear wigging in pubs and cafes. Nosey folk.

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Bert
Date: 08 Mar 09 - 11:24 AM

Bill, It's FUN me ol' china.

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: Bill D
Date: 08 Mar 09 - 12:20 PM

"ol' china".. I'll never know if I m being insulted or not. Maybe that's best, Bert. ☺

Subject: RE: BS: Sense of humour/ Quick witted
From: gnomad
Date: 08 Mar 09 - 02:06 PM

Aargh! That was me, don't remember losing my cookies at work today, but the sea was a bit rough, so maybe I did.