Song Challenge! Part 26

Subject: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: Áine
Date: 01 May 00 - 03:11 PM

Not one to let you Challenge!rs rest on your laurels (or cow chips, as the case may be), here's a great two-fer-one Challenge! from myself and the doesterr. You have a choice here -- you can write a song about either of these topics, OR, you can write a song that includes both topics, thus qualifying for the Two-Fer-One Award!

So, grab a pencil in both hands and have fun with it!!

--

***************************************************

(This one is from doesterr)

Do You Know The Way To San Jose? This could only happen in California....(true story) -- Car Jacking Foiled: An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found four unknown males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she "knows how to use it and that she will if required... so get out of the car! " The four men didn't wait around for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the drivers seat. Small problem: her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was an identical model and was parked four or five spaces further down. She reloaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 4 pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly white woman...no charges were filed.

***************************************

And here's mine:

Car 54 - Where Are You? Pensioners cause mayhem in police car - Police are investigating how two 76-year-old women got hold of a squad car and drove it with sirens blaring and lights flashing - before crashing it. The little old ladies were "Citizens on Patrol" volunteers who drive around Beloit, Wisconsin, looking out for suspicious behaviour - but they are NOT supposed to drive squad cars. They were asked to go to the scene of an accident to help control traffic but ended up in the police squad car instead of one of the unmarked police cars they normally use, according to the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel. Shirley Nelson and neighbour Jeune Nelson kept the radio on during the incident and were heard asking each other for directions. Their adventure ended when they went through a red light and hit an oncoming car. Neither woman was hurt but Shirley received a ticket for failing to drive safely. The Citizens Patrol programme has been suspended pending an inquiry. "I want to know who sent two little old ladies out in a squad car with a shotgun," says Rock County district attorney David O'Leary. He is reviewing the case to see if criminal charges might be brought.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: Amergin
Date: 01 May 00 - 03:40 PM

Oh my god, this is going to be fun. I'll try my damndest here.

Amergin

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: Amos
Date: 01 May 00 - 04:24 PM

Mamie and Prudence

Tune: Don't Mess Around with Jim (J. Croce)

Milwaukee gots its tough side
Where they build those retirement halls
And the Fair Pines Home has ninety-year  Mamie
And man,  that gal has balls!
Now Mame's as hard as a Pecos yard,
Stands  about five-foot-two
But all the beer-soaked jocks kinda drop their socks
When they talk about what Mame can do,

And they say,
 

Ya don't pee on no third rail
Ya don't wear no shorts with stains
Ya don't try to moon 'em down in Shallcross, Georgia,
An' you don't mess around with Mame.

Now Mamie went into a hardware store
Said, "I'm  a lookin for some  short-case rounds,
"Cuz my hawg-leg iron ran dead from firin',
And I ain't a gonna put it down."
When she came back with her ammo,
Well, she got taken quite aback,
'Cause there was four big dudes in her '88 Rocket,
Wearin' backwards baseball caps!
 
 

Ya don't pee on no third rail
Ya don't wear no shorts with stains
Ya don't try to moon 'em down in Shallcross, Georgia,
An' you don't mess around with Mame.

So Mamie pulled her hardware,
And she dropped those dudes down cold,
And she told 'em they better keep on movin'
If they wanted to grow old
Well they  didn't want to argue with the business end
Of Mamie's thirty-eight
And they took off runnin' past the Dairy Queen
And as they ran she could hear them say,
 

Ya don't pee on no third rail
Ya don't wear no shorts with stains
Ya don't try to moon 'em down in Shallcross, Georgia,
An' you don't mess around with Mame.

But her key couldn't start that Rocket Olds
And the smell wasn't quite the same
And she realized to her great surprise
That the reg wasn't in her name,
Then she found her car in the parking lot
An'  boy her face was red,
So she cruised downtown to the local sheriff,
An' this is what she said:
 

Ya don't pee on no third rail
Ya don't wear no shorts with stains
Ya don't try to moon 'em down in Shallcross, Georgia,
An' you don't mess around with Mame.

 

Now the sheriff was the son-in-law
Of two of Mamie's marks
An' he told he'd get her cooling her seat
Out behind them county bars
Well, it didn't sit too well with her,
And a hush fell on the crowd,
When Mamie put three slugs in the precinct ceiling
And she hollered right out loud,
 
 

Ya don't pee on no third rail
Ya don't wear no shorts with stains
Ya don't try to moon 'em down in Shallcross, Georgia,
An' you don't mess around with Mame.
 

Well, Mamie and her 88 took off laying rubber
Headin'  for the county line,
She thought, "It may look funny, but its gonna save me money,
If I can make it to the Antioch line,
She was cutting south on Highway 45,
She had Chicago on her mind,
She was goin' like a twister when she saw her big sister
In the mirror right behind,

An' she told herself,

Ya don't pee on no third rail
Ya don't wear no shorts with stains
Ya don't try to moon 'em down in Shallcross, Georgia,
An' you don't mess around with Mame.

Well, Mamie's sister's name was Prudence
She musta been about a hundred and four
And she'd helped herself to the sheriff's squad car
With the shotgun on the floor
She pulled up alongside Mamie,
An ' she shot her tires through
She tol' her, Sis, I hate to be like this,
But I tol' Ma I'd look after you!

And she said,
 

Ya don't pee on no third rail
Ya don't wear no see-through
Ya don't try to moon 'em down in Shallcross, Georgia,
An' you don't mess around with Pru!
No, no, no, no,
You don' mess around with Pru!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: SINSULL
Date: 01 May 00 - 04:48 PM

Gee Amos. It looks like the contest is over. Great job. But I thought they only peed on the third rail in the NYC Subways (when they're not peeing on other riders).

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: Mbo
Date: 01 May 00 - 04:54 PM

Man Amos, now we're pulling the same resources for parodies!

--Mbo

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: Áine
Date: 01 May 00 - 05:12 PM

Brilliant, Amos!! I'm laughing so hard, I'm afraid I might -- Oops, too late now *BG*

As usual, Mr. Five-Minutes-Flat has kicked off this double-dare-ya Challenge! in grand style. So come on, y'all -- let's show him what we're made out of!

-- Áine

(P.S. Just a little reminder to everyone that the Golden Cow Chips are NOT awarded on the basis of one song being "better" than another. These lovely, decorative Awards are given out under a completely subjective and reactionary basis...*VBG* The real challenge is for each of us to practice our craft and make our best effort!)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 01 May 00 - 08:32 PM

As Rudyard Kipling put it, "The female of the species is far deadlier than the male"

When the Himalayan peasant meets the he-bear in his pride,
He shouts to scare the monster, who will often turn aside;
But the shebear thus accosted rends the peasant tooth and nail,
For the female of the species is more deadly than the male.

Or, in the present instance:

When Granny went out shopping, she did not expect to find
her car all full of strangers of the most suspicious kind -
but her heart it did not falter, her courage did not fail -
the female of the species is more deadly than the male.

So she fixed those bold intruders with a piercing scornful glance
and she pulled a pistol from her bag, and boldly did advance
and they looked at her in panic, and each one of them turned pale -
for the female of the species is more deadly than the male.

And they leapt out and they scattered, like a flock of frightened sheep
And Granny stood in triumph, with her shopping in a heap

and she thought in modest pride about the way she'd tell the tale - of how the female of the species was more deadly than the male.

So she reached into her bag again, pulled out a bunch of keys,
and she pushed the key into the lock - and her heart began to freeze
for the key it would not fit, and all at once she felt so frail -
and the female of the species blushed more redly than the male.

And parked there just alongside was a car, looked just the same,
and the other car was her car, and the shameful truth was plain
she had stolen those poor fellows car, and she gave a little wail.

But Granny did not panic - so she went to tell the law
about the thing that she had done - and she walked in, and she saw
those four big men, all shaking as they told their dreadful tale
about the female of the species being far deadlier than the male.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 01 May 00 - 08:38 PM

Once more, with the line spacing right this time, I hope, and the missing line inserted.

When Granny went out shopping, she did not expect to find
her car all full of strangers of the most suspicious kind -
but her heart it did not falter, her courage did not fail -
the female of the species is more deadly than the male.

So she fixed those bold intruders with a piercing scornful glance
and she pulled a pistol from her bag, and boldly did advance
and they looked at her in panic, and each one of them turned pale -
for the female of the species is more deadly than the male.

And they leapt out and they scattered, like a flock of frightened sheep
And Granny stood in triumph, with her shopping in a heap
and she thought in modest pride about the way she'd tell the tale -
of how the female of the species was more deadly than the male.

So she reached into her bag again, pulled out a bunch of keys,
and she pushed the key into the lock - and her heart began to freeze
for the key it would not fit, and all at once she felt so frail -
and the female of the species blushed more redly than the male.

And parked there just alongside was a car, looked just the same,
and the other car was her car, and the shameful truth was plain
she had stolen those poor fellows car, and she gave a little wail.
Sure the female of the species must be headed for the jail.

But Granny did not panic - so she went to tell the law
about the thing that she had done - and she walked in, and she saw
those four big men, all shaking as they told their dreadful tale
about the female of the species being far deadlier than the male.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: Amos
Date: 02 May 00 - 01:04 AM

Masterful, Sir McGrath!

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: Lin in Kansas
Date: 02 May 00 - 03:42 AM

Geez, sounds like some friends of mine... Sorry this is so darn long; it just grew!

Lin

PISTOL PACKIN' MAMAS
(with apologies to Al Dexter)

Four big guys in a cop shop,
Shakin' hard with fright,
Said a little ol' gal done stole their ride,
At the grocery store tonight.

She yanked her rod and made some threats
And the boys left on the run.
Her permed gray hair blew back in the breeze
They made just gettin' gone.

CHORUS:
Oh Lay that pistol down, babe,
Lay that pistol down,
Pistol packin' mama,
Lay that pistol down!

Shirley and Jeune were on patrol
Relivin' Gray Panther days,
With the siren howlin' at 60 per
And the flashin' lights ablaze.

They saw a Safeway up ahead,
And decided to make a stop
For some Fix-a-Dent and some Geritol
And some diet soda pop.

(CHORUS)

They caught the scene in the parkin' lot
With Thelma and her gun
Groceries scattered on the macadam
And four guys on the run.

Shirley could barely see over the wheel,
But Jeune was naviagatin'
"Turn right!" she yelled, "No, your OTHER right!"
Shirl went left, no hesitatin'.

(CHORUS)

A pickup comin' the other way
Slammed on his brakes too late.
The squad car skidded across the road
Abandoned to its fate.

The C.O.P.s they kept their heads,
Jeune reached into the back.
And while Shirley talked on the radio,
Jeune got the shotgun from the rack.

(CHORUS)

It was showdown time at the old Safeway
Three seniors filled with pluck!
Wavin' firearms at whatever moved,
If they lived, it'd be just luck!

Then the fire truck came screamin' in
And a SWAT team in a van,
And a lawyer chap from down the street,
And that's when it hit the fan.

(CHORUS)

The ladies they all turned around
To see what was the matter.
And all those men as they hit the ground
Made an awful clatter.

Then Shirley cried out, "Why Thelma Smith!
Oh Lordy, is that you?"
And Thelma looked and squinted hard,
And said, "Well hi, you two!"

(CHORUS)

So by the time their rescuers
Had staggered out from cover,
The ladies had their stories straight,
The crisis was all over.

They took the gals into custody
Cause they'd been runnin' wild
But the Terrible Three, well, they went free—
Sarge said, "No charges filed."

(CHORUS)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: Lin in Kansas
Date: 02 May 00 - 03:54 AM

How the heck do you guys do it? I go away for just a minute or two, and you come up with masterpieces! Amos, whaddya bet the lady had a pool cue in her trunk, too? And McGrath, those are words to live by, no matter what the lady's age may be!

Y'all are too much!

Lin

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 02 May 00 - 05:38 AM

I'm always hopeful that an Urban Legend will turn out to be solid truth. Any chance that the pistol-packing Granny might turn out to be factual? (As contrasted to truthful - all good legends are truthful...)

Not that it's at all unlikely in itself. I used to have a car that was a very distinctive colour, and this meant that any time a similar car was parked nearby, I often found myself trying to get into. Fortunately there aren't too many guns in carparks in England, so I never got threatened with a pistol.

Good songs, Amos and Lin - Amos, you've got some kind of fancy time machine, haven't you? 3.11 to 4.24, 7 verses and a chorus. And Lin, I liked the idea of having the story start from the fellas reported the hi-jack, turning the story inside out...

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 02 May 00 - 07:06 AM

Here's my song again, with the words a bit modified, and some chords (not that that's much indication of a tune) - but it also fits well enough to Johnson's Motor Car, which is appropriate enough, since they are both songs about a car getting hijacked.

When (G)Granny went out shopping, she did not (D)expect to (G)find
that her car was full of strangers of the most suspicious (D)kind -
but her (G)heart it did not falter, her courage did not (C)fail -
the (G)female of the species is more (F)deadly (C)than the (G)male.

So she fixed those bold intruders with a piercing scornful glance
and she pulled a pistol from her bag, and boldly did advance
and they looked at her in panic, and each one of them turned pale -
for the female of the species is more deadly than the male.

And they leapt out and they scattered, like a flock of frightened sheep
And Granny stood in triumph, with her shopping in a heap
and she thought in modest pride about the way she'd tell the tale -
of how the female of the species was more deadly than the male.

So she reached into her bag again, pulled out a bunch of keys,
and she pushed the key into the lock - and her heart began to freeze
for the key it would not fit, and all at once she felt so frail -
and the female of the species blushed more redly than the male.

And parked there just alongside was a car, looked just the same,
and the other car was her car, and the shameful truth was plain
she had stolen those poor fellows car, and she gave a little wail.
Sure the female of the species must be headed for the jail.

But Granny did not panic - so she went to tell the law
all about the thing that she had done - and in the station house she saw
those four big men, all shaking as they told their dreadful tale
about the female of the species, far more deadly than the male.

May 1st 2000

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: Crowhugger
Date: 02 May 00 - 08:38 AM

The lot of you amaze me!

CH.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: Áine
Date: 02 May 00 - 08:52 AM

Now look what happens when I go to sleep! Y'all have done it again -- and in such great style.

Kevin, another excellent song -- Since you've given us the chords, does this mean you'll be singing this one down at the pub? I hope so - please let us know how it goes down, OK? And if you have the time to make a sound file and send it to me, well...I wouldn't mind a bit!

And looky what Lin done did -- Amazingly funny!! I can just see these ladies when you say:

Then Shirley cried out, "Why Thelma Smith!
Oh Lordy, is that you?"
And Thelma looked and squinted hard,
And said, "Well hi, you two!"

You guys are great! Keep it up, Challenge!rs!!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: Spider Tom
Date: 02 May 00 - 09:49 AM

THE BATTLE OF BLUE AND THE GREY

Said Sergeant O'Rielly, it's been quite a day,
Both, for the Blue, and the Grey.,
I'm not getting younger, but what can I say,,
With things, changing more every day.
Once little old ladys were meek and so pure,
Too frightened to answer a knock on the door,
When the kitten went missing, they'd call a Policeman.
Now they're takeing the law in the palm of their hands.

Said he knew it would come, they've been liberated,
As he chewed on a donut and masticated,
Said, an incident happened the other day,
Where an elderly lady, chased four men away,
Claimed she "thought" they were steeling her own little car,
She became Annie Oakly, the didn't get far,,
She reached in her handbag, and drew a six-gun,
And the four frightened fellows, just had to run.

I was there on the desk, when the frightened, and fearful,
Maltreated men, blubbered stories, all tearful,
Of a roadrage, a hijack, of an old lady thief,
It didn't look good, as I typed up the brief.
And would you believe, as they cowered in the corner,
Before an arrest or before I could warn her,
That the little old lady carjacking thief,
Came up to my desk saying "What a relief."

Saying " thank God that we have such speedy police",
Just lock up those thieves, don't give them release.",
Of course when we straightened, the whole matter out.,
She realized the men were not thief, hoon or a lout.,

And the law set her loose once again on the day,
Cause she mistook their car as her own, they say.
And now I've read on the fax machine,
Of another grey matter even more obscene.

You know in Berloit, they've got, " Citz. On Patrol"
I've read something now, made my eyeballs roll,
They sent two "Old Dears" in a Beefy Squad Car,
To redirect traffic, by a bit of a "jar",
And of course, I suspect, things went to their head.
And they turned on the sirens by mistake they said,
And two little old ladys like loonies they spead,
And crashed after running red lights it's said.

I know things are changing , change always comes they say
Who could predict a problem with the Blue and the Grey.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: Spider Tom
Date: 02 May 00 - 11:49 AM

Sorry about the mess Aine but you know im not a True Nerd as yet and so being only human still do silly thready thing>
Above you will find my doodlings for NO. 26 thanks and I hope you accept the Angel chip I sent you in No. 25 Ken

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: Áine
Date: 02 May 00 - 04:40 PM

Dear Spider Tom,

I did humbly accept your Angel Chip (and thank you,sir).

Your song is a wonder! My favorite lines:

Said he knew it would come, they've been liberated,
As he chewed on a donut and masticated,

As the daughter of a former officer of the law, I can just hear my daddy saying that!! Wunnerful, wunnerful! I do hope that we'll be hearing this one on the Mudcat Radio soon - please, please??

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 02 May 00 - 07:15 PM

Sang my Granny song down at a session tonight (The Lion, Eastwick, first Tuesday of the month), and it went down fine.

But I'm thinking I might try it as a monologue, because I could do with another of those in my repertoir. There are times in singarounds and so forth when it's good to do something other than a song to make a contrast, and I thinkmrthis one might work well, what with the rerpeated chorus line.

Some great lines in all the songs, as Áine has commented! Keep 'em coming.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: Dave (the ancient mariner)
Date: 02 May 00 - 07:56 PM

To the tune for "Pretty Boy Floyd The Outlaw"

Come gather around me people,
theres a story I will tell
About shopping Granny the outlaw,
California laughed like hell
Was in the town of San Jose,
on a sunny afternoon
Her car stood in the parking lot,
around and about high noon

Dropping shopping bags beside her,
she grabbed her trusty gun
And shouted at four jacking jerks,
I know how this thing works
They left the car in a hurry,
running faster than the shame
The police they were a laughing,
said they already new her name

Granny saw she made a big mistake,
and dove to the downtown jail
She was calling up her lawyer,
to come and post her bail
Well you say she was a bad girl
you say she was a thief
But four guys who she didnt shoot
are filled with a some relief

This story has a happy ending,
granny doesnt go to jail
But in San Jose you muggers,
take a warning from this tale
Just cause you see and old gal
Taking shopping to her car
Dont think you can car jack her
she might be the Outlaw granny
and shoot you from afar

So dont become an outlaw
Try to beat San Jose law
Granny's been given a shotgun
And drives a police car
Yes Shes a deputy sherrif
And she drives a police car

Hey I tried guys... outa practice. Yours, Aye. Dave

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: Mbo
Date: 02 May 00 - 07:58 PM

YES DAVE!!! Awesome!!!

--Mbo

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: Dharmabum
Date: 03 May 00 - 07:15 AM

Granny's Got A Handgun

{sung to mamma's got a squeezebox,}

Grannys got a handgun,

She wears at her side,

When she goes to the market,

Boys you better hide,

Better just run away,

Don't you dare make her day,

Grannys got a handgun,

No one's gonna sleep tonite.

Grannys got a magnum,

She keeps in her purse,

Don't you dare piss her off,

Or you'll leave in a herse,

She's a blue haired gun moll,

When she's out for a stroll,

Grannys got a handgun,

No one's gonna sleep tonite.

Come on now seize me,

come on now seize me,

Scare me like you do,

I'm so afraid of you,

Grannys got a hand gun,

No one's gonna sleep tonite.

{banjo break}

Granny takes her hand gun,

When she goes out to shop,

She don't need Dirty Harry,

No she don't need no cop,

She's got justice in hand,

She's just takin a stand,

Grannys got a hand gun,

No one's gonna sleep tonite.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: Amos
Date: 03 May 00 - 09:43 AM

Great adaptation, Dharma .. I just had the terrifying vision of this being a real hit!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: Áine
Date: 03 May 00 - 09:52 AM

Another round of amazing creativity while I was off watching the hockey game! Fantastic stuff, Dave and Dharmabum!

Dave - your song put my in mind of the 'gangs of grannys' from the old Monty Python show - I love it.

And DB - I agree with Amos that you've definitely got a 'hit' on your hands there.

Kevin - This is great, a Challenge! song in your repetoire, spoken or sung, is quite an honor for us! I still would love to hear you sing it, if you have the time and/or desire to send it to me.

I'll be working on a little sumpin' today, even though it won't measure up to the Challenge! classics that have gone before . . . You guys are amazing!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: Dharmabum
Date: 03 May 00 - 12:32 PM

Thanks guys, just doing what the little voices in my head keep telling me to.

Later Ron.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: Áine
Date: 03 May 00 - 01:26 PM

Well, it ain't no two-fer, but it'll have to do:

Big Mama, Why'd Ya Point That Ought Six At Me? (Tune: Oh Lord, Won't You Buy Me A Color TV)

Oh Mamaw, why'd ya have to spoil all our fun?
Can't you carry a walking stick, in place of a gun?
'Stead of cruising in my SUV, now I'm on the run
Oh Mamaw, why'd ya have to spoil all our fun?

Oh Nana, we were just out to have a good time
Just picking up a pizza, that ain't no crime
And I'd ordered extra cheese - it woulda been so sublime
Oh Nana, we were just out to have a good time

Oh Grandma, didn't you take your medicine today?
What wrong was I doing, driving out for takeaway?
Were you tripping on progesterone, did you OD on satchet?
Oh Grandma, didn't you take your medicine today?

Big Mama, why'd ya point that ought six at me?
You scared me so bad now, I ran into a tree
I know life is scary, but can't you let things be?
Big Mama, why'd ya point that ought six at me?

Dear Granny, I know you didn't really mean any harm
Not even when you grabbed me and twisted my arm
That senior centre defense course, it worked like a charm!
Dear Granny, I know you didn't really mean any harm

Oh Mamaw, put yer Uzi down and come out to dance!
I know it's been 20 years since you had the chance
We'll sing Pistol Packin' Mama, but please lose that fer-de-lance
Oh Mamaw, put yer Uzi down and come out to dance!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 03 May 00 - 02:53 PM

I love the cheese!

I've put a link to this thread from the "Gun debate in SONG" thread, which got a bit heavy before it sank off the page.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: Lin in Kansas
Date: 03 May 00 - 09:01 PM

Dave--I love the idea of Granny as a Deputy Sheriff (and I've known some small-town sheriffs she'd be better than!)

Dharmabum--Yes! Reminds me of Rev. Billy's rendition about Granny on the freeway--good stuff!

And Áine--The verses about progesterone, sachet, and the self-defense course just sorta sum up the Grandmas of today--beautimous!

McGrath, you're evil...

Lin

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: GUEST
Date: 04 May 00 - 03:49 PM

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 May 00 - 05:21 PM

THE CARJACKING

Great Aunt Trixie hobbled out on the mall parking lot
And the sun it was a broilin', and the asphalt burning hot
And her shopping bags were heavy, couldn't find her parking spot
Gotta find that blasted car right now!

She wandered up and down the rows, burning feet and aching back
When she saw that ancient Chevvy, her jaw it just went slack:
There were four big men there in her car, the front seat and the back
"Someone's tryin' to steal my car right now!"

(Spoken) SHE SCREAMED...........

"I've got this little pistol, and I know just how to use it
Twas my fav'rite Christmas present; grand-niece showed me how to use it
You should know I got a temper, and you don't want me to lose it!
So you get out of that car right now!"

Those four men could hear her screamin', they could hear her indignation
The message, it was plain to them, didn't need no explanation
And it took no 'magination or a second invitation
And they piled out of that car right now!

Her pistol back within her purse, she slid beneath the wheel
She felt that the upholstery, it had a different feel.
The ignition key would not go in--her blood, it did congeal:
"Cause this isn't my old car, no-how!"

(Spoken) OOH! AND I TOLD THEM.......

"I've got this little pistol, and I know just how to use it
Twas my fav'rite Christmas present; grand-niece showed me how to use it
You should know I got a temper, and you don't want me to lose it!
So you get out of that car right now!"

She felt sick, she felt humilified, face red WITH morTIFication
She was one embarrassed citizen, but she had no hesitation.
She found her own car down the row, drove to the PO-lice station
To report this blasted mess right now!

When she told the sergeant there the tale, to her raw humiliation
He whooped and he hollered, laughter echoed through the station
Four guys were even then engaged in their report dictation
Of a carjack done at gunpoint (there was quite a great sensation)
"She made 'em get out of that car right now!"

(Spoken) "No charges, lady.."

(Spoken) SHE'D TOLD THESE GUYS......

"I've got this little pistol, and I know just how to use it
Twas my fav'rite Christmas present; grand-niece showed me how to use it
You should know I got a temper, and you don't want me to lose it!
So you get out of that car right now!"

(Spoken) "Grand-niece, do you think I ought to buy some bullets for that gun?"

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: MMario
Date: 04 May 00 - 09:49 PM

I LIKE that one!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: Áine
Date: 05 May 00 - 10:49 AM

Way to go, Dave! That was well worth waiting for -- I love the 'do you think I ought to buy some bullets' line at the end. What a hoot! Yeah, Dave!

You all have completely surprised me with your wonderful responses to this Challenge! Hopefully, we'll get a couple more today (if you haven't entered a song, whatcha waitin' fer??), then we can move on to "a horse of a different color' tomorrow...hehehehe...

If you don't hear from me today, it's because I was up 'till 5 a.m. trying to figure out a Javascript application for our Songbook page. No, I haven't succeeded yet, so if any of you are Javascript geniuses, please lend a hand...(yawn)...Later, my fantastic Challenge!rs...

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: Bradypus
Date: 05 May 00 - 06:21 PM

These scenes sound like a nightmare ...

Tune: The Nightmare Song, from Iolanthe by Gilbert and Sullivan (more or less)

Granny's Nightmare Song

When you've been to the shops to buy kidneys and chops, and to stock up on beer and tobacco
And the checkout queue's long, with the usual throng, and the Austrian nude shoppers look wacko
When your bags are all packed, and you feel really whacked, as you look for your car for a minute
What you spy makes you think that you're worse for the drink, for there's four hunky fellows sat in it
So you reach for your gun, which you wave, and they run, and you load the stuff in slow and silent
Then you put in the key, it won't turn, deary me, you get out, and the number is different
So it's out of the car, and it's not very far till you spot your own car quietly standing
And you feel such a fool (which you don't as a rule), and 'what's next to do?' you're demanding
So it's down to the nick, making time double quick to confess to the cops all your folly
And the four hunks are there, as you sit in the chair, and the sergeant thinks this is so jolly
Still he mutters 'no charge', as relief this is large, so you're free to go back to your motor
But a squad car sits there, and you think it is fair that to drive off in that's what you ought'ter
So the siren blares loud as you drive through the crowd, you decide that you're neighbourhood watching
Search for robbers and thieves and don't give them reprieves, for the lot you sure want to be catching
And you break up a fight between bunnies, that's right and it doesn't seem odd when you do it
And a garden gnome stealer is there with his dealer, another one caught who will rue it
Then you're called to a crime which seems right at the time about beer and a traffic controller
But a munchkin that swings by his neck loudly sings that you're car has become a hot roller
Then the car's a PC that's possessed, as you see, by some newfangled devilish virus
But St Pat's eating beef, so he gives no relief, we need something new to inspire us
Maybe birds that don't sing when they're up on the wing
Or cocks with no head who'd be better off dead
Or a startled old moose who kicks cars on the loose
Or some boring old men watching sap now and then
Or a Mardi parade where your underwear's laid
Or Twinkies you like when the maker's on strike
Or songs about food, for these always sound good
Or tiples, or possums, or taverns with Jello or wondering where it's all at
Are you mad or insane? Is it all in the brain? Or a regular day at the Mudcat

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 May 00 - 07:30 PM

Bradypus:

I stand in stupified wonderment!

Surely this effort deserves some new order of dignity or knighthood!

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: Mbo
Date: 05 May 00 - 07:39 PM

GOOD LORD!!!!!

Aine, make Bradypus the KING OF SONG CHALLENGE!S!!! Talk about the Imperial Order of the All-For-One Coupon with Gold Pressed Latinum Clusters!!! Congrats Brady! ALL HAIL KING BRADY!!

--Mbo

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: Mbo
Date: 05 May 00 - 07:41 PM

GOOD LORD!!!!!

Aine, make Bradypus the KING OF SONG CHALLENGE!S!!! Talk about the Imperial Order of the All-For-One Coupon with Gold Pressed Latinum Clusters!!! Congrats Brady! ALL HAIL KING BRADY!!

--Mbo

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: Áine
Date: 06 May 00 - 11:49 AM

All Hail the King! Dear Bradypus, you have climbed the hitherto unimagined mountain of cow chips and have attained the summit from whence you now gaze upon your humble cow chipping subjects . . .

Quite right, Mbo, a very, very, special award must be assigned this most fantastic achievement of songwriting . . . the Keeper of the Book shall take the day to meditate on this matter of most high importance and arrive at a decision.

-- Áine (still bowing to the east in utmost amazement)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: Bradypus
Date: 06 May 00 - 06:00 PM

Well - I don't know what to say! Thank you for considering this offering worthy of high honour. I must admit I enjoyed doing it.

Bradypus

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: Lin in Kansas
Date: 07 May 00 - 02:58 AM

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(overawed, totally impressed, and envious as hell--Wow!)

Lin

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: Áine
Date: 08 May 00 - 01:19 PM

My, my, my -- I have to say that this has been one of the BEST Challenge!s ever!! Three Two-Fer-One songs and one of such brilliance that it deserved a new and unique award -- not to mention the overwhelming creative songwriting from each of you Challenge!rs!!

Below you will find the Winners for Part 26 -- Please note that the Keeper of the Book has changed the qualifications for the Shamrock Cluster . . . just think of it as "spring cleaning" *BG*. As usual, Congrats, Cudos and Thanks to all the Challenge!rs who entered their songs, and thanks to the folks who kept up with us and had fun reading the entries. I'll be back soon with another one -- so...

Keep playing, writing and singing, Áine

***************************************************

Winners of the Golden Cow Chip Award with Shamrock Cluster (The Shamrock Cluster is awarded for a very high level of imagination, imagery, and/or creative use of language in a song):
Granny's Got A Handgun by Dharmabum

Winners of the Golden Cow Chip Award with Harp Ribbon:
Granny The Outlaw by Dave (the ancient mariner)
More Deadly Than The Male by McGrath of Harlow

Winners of the Golden Cow Chip Award with Guinness Crest:
The Carjacking by doesterr

Winners of the Golden Cow Chip with Two-Fer-One Coupon:
Mamie and Prudence by Amos
Pistol Packin' Mamas by Lin in Kansas
The Battle Of Blue And The Grey by Spider Tom

Winners of the Imperial Order of the All-In-One Genius with Platinum Tufts Award (The Imperial Order of the All-In-One Genius with Platinum Tufts Award is given to the Challenge!rs who use ten or more Challenge! topics in one song):
Granny's Nightmare Song by Bradypus

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 08 May 00 - 03:03 PM

Mutual congratulations are in order. Some nameless person on some nameless thread made a disparaging remark about the songbook the other day. ("Person" is in this context a euphemism for something more accurate which I refrain from writing.) This context demonstrates its value.

Incidentally, I decided that the age of the guntoting shopper wasn't central, so I decided to call her Sally Jones instead. A tough lady of uncertain age, and it scans just as well. (If there's a real identifiable individual behind all this and someone lets me know what the name is, I might change again - unless it's something that won't scan...)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: Amergin
Date: 08 May 00 - 03:08 PM

I'd just leave it alone, McGrath, it's grea the way it is. But then that's just my opinion. The toughest critic is often the writer himself. And yes you're right "person" is a very loose term.

Amergin

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: Bradypus
Date: 08 May 00 - 06:54 PM

Well, I'd just like to thank ...

Gilbert and Sullivan for giving me a tune and a set of words to base things on

Amos, McGrath, Lin, Dave, Dave, Dharmabum and Spider Tom for their contributions to this thread. Some of your lines inspired me.

All the Challenge!rs from previous threads, their ideas live on ...

And most of all Aine for this and all the other challenges.

And for anyone else attempting this feat, can I warn you ...

The platinum tufts really scratch !!!

Bradypus

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: Áine
Date: 08 May 00 - 07:09 PM

My dearest Bradypus,

I'm so sorry about the scratchiness of the tufts; but, I got a really good deal on them from this strange old man who was selling them on the street today . . . he kept muttering something about flying monkeys and singing scarecrows . . . go figure.

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: Amos
Date: 08 May 00 - 08:02 PM

Holy moly!!! Turn around to do some serious work and the whole merry-go-ropund is transformed! Dang, Brady, that was one Tour de Force job of work!!!! I am awestruck! Well earned, your platinum tufts -- just check the rem level on 'em if you don't mind -- they may have been smuggled in from dismantled Soviet munitions or some such -- fenced through a scarecrow with fantastic delusions of cerebral capacity...

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: Dave (the ancient mariner)
Date: 08 May 00 - 08:14 PM

Thank you all for your kind remarks; and admiral Aine for choosing me for the Harp ribbon. I am glad you all enjoyed the contest, and congratulations to all participants. I am honoured to be counted amongst such talented people. The Harp insignia is very dear to me because after many years of procrastination I have decided to learn an instrument. Because of injury and arthritis I cannot aspire to play guitar; but when shopping for some new strings for Emma I was intrigued watching an autoharp being played. Having listened to them on hearme, I have decided that I might give it a try if I can find one for sale around here. The music store told me it was a good instrument, and its possible to learn to play some songs fairly quickly on. Yours, Aye. Dave

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: Áine
Date: 08 May 00 - 08:40 PM

What wonderful news, Dave(atm)!! Why, I'm just pleased as punch to hear that you'll be displaying your Golden Cow Chip with Harp Ribbon proudly as you play your autoharp!! *BG* Play on, dear Cap'n, play on!!!!!!

And Amos - I think that Bradypus has to worry more about fleas than fision from those tufts . . . geez loueez, and they seemed like such a deal . . .

-- Áine (scratching her head . . . now scratching her neck . . . now scratching her . . .)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 May 00 - 09:57 PM

Aine, harking back to the gnome thread, I keep looking for you at HearMe sessions. You were so careless as to say that you wanted to hear me sing my gnome song on HearMe, so I'm a-layin' for ya!

I'm also looking for Kendall, because I THINK I may have unwittingly plagiarized the tune of the chorus from something he sang on HearMe, and I want to find out if he recognizes it.

See you there, hopefully!

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: Spider Tom
Date: 09 May 00 - 02:01 AM

BLOODY COMPUTERS!@#$$%#@&**$#@
Hello Aine, Thanks for the Two for One Chip ("Only two?"said Bradypus)
Thank you I am humbled and honoured,thank you to all the other,LUNATICS,(I use the term, inclusively and collectively and with great affection)
What a marvelous bunch you all are Thanks for your writings and company.
It is a wonderous thing to know that as I slide down the quick-sand mire, which we call life, I am not alone,and you lot surely spin enough thread to throw me a rope,
And Aine,do, please wrap your ears around a Hearme, you should be forced to confront the naked truth of what you have set in motion.
Thanks again to all,
Spider Tom

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: Lin in Kansas
Date: 09 May 00 - 06:03 AM

Áine--what all those guys said--and I am thrilled to display my awards, snuggled cozily within my dulcimer case (even though people at our jams keep edging farther and farther away, sniffing madly...I just figure it must be my playing).

Thank you for all the fun and inspiration!

Dave (TAM), hope you have a blast with your autoharp--they're a kick to mess about with.

And Brady--genius must suffer, you know--of course the platinum tufts scratch! (heh, heh, heh...)

Lin

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: Dharmabum
Date: 09 May 00 - 07:37 AM

Thanks Aine,I'll display it proudly on my mantle. It's an honor to share the stage with such talent. I'd also like to thank my doctor for the prescriptions,{the voices are a little less threatening now doc}. And Brady,What can one say, Just Downright,Absotively,Amazin!

Ron.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 28 Aug 01 - 04:42 PM

This was one of the better challenges all the entries were great!

"Don't pee on the third rail", "Don't you dare make her day" and "California laughed like hell"

Are lines I'll laugh at for a while.. Here is my Stab at this one

It's the little old lady with the colt repeater.

The little old with the colt repeater
(bang, Granny, bang, Granny, bang Granny bang)
has a pretty little pistol that she calls a heater
(bang, Granny, bang, Granny, bang Granny bang)
But parked alone at the mall one day
She frightened four fellows from a Cheverolet

Chorus:

Listen Everbody now I gotta warn ya
About the little old Lady from California
(She drives real fast and she shoots like Clint)
Even though she smells like peppermint

The guys in the car were just sitting around
And she came along and tried to Gun 'em down

And the little old broads from Beloit Wisconson
They're a little more scary than Charlie Bronson
(Drive, Grannys, Drive, Grannys, Drive Grannys Drive)
You see em in traffic with the Sirens wailin
(Drive, Grannys, Drive, Grannys, Drive Grannys Drive)
Well, Shirley got a ticket for not driving safer
She can't even handle an elevator (Go, Grannys, go, Grannys, go Grannys go)

(Go, Grannys, go, Grannys, go Grannys go)

Let me tell ya folks that there kinda crazy
With Slow reflexes and their vision hazy
(They are terrors in a police car)
But they drive to slow to get very far
The little old ladies from Beloit Wisconson
Go, Grannys, go, Grannys, go Grannys go

Go, Granny, go, Granny, go Granny go

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 26
From: Aidan Crossey
Date: 30 Aug 01 - 10:32 AM

My attempt to combine the two challenges.

It's based on the old reggae number, Police and Thieves by Junior Murvin (as covered by The Clash).

POLICE AND THIEVES
By SENIOR Murvin

Police and thieves in the streets (oh yeah)
Scaring the nation
With their false teeth and constipation

Police and thieves in the street (oh yeah)
Scaring the nation
With their lethal heart condition

From Genesis to Revelation
The older generation will be hear me
Capable of assassination
Hear what I say

All the crimes committed
Every day
Every perpetrator's
Hair turning grey
All the pacemakers
In chests of war officers
Hear what I say

Police and thieves in the streets (oh yeah)
Scaring the nation
With their wheezy inhalation

Police and thieves in the streets (oh yeah)
Scaring the nation
As they smell of embrocation