A challenge:a flea,an orange,a bicycle seat

Subject: RE: A challenge:a flea,an orange,a bicycle seat
From: Alice
Date: 18 Jan 99 - 10:37 AM

eeeewwww.... Thanks, anyway, Rasta, but I can't stand Bob Villa. He can't walk by anything without rapping on it with his knuckles, and it sets my teeth on edge. Norm Abrams is the builder who really knows what he is doing.
Don't you love it? Mudcat threads go ANYWHERE!
alice

Subject: RE: A challenge:a flea,an orange,a bicycle seat
From: Rasta
Date: 18 Jan 99 - 01:32 AM

a flea ,there a shortage of fleas on the east coast an orange anyone who listens to Gary Null of Natural Living Fame (hope im not alone, you know Gary Null) knows that an orange is good for you and then some.----and bicycle seats well they just make em too damn small. --Alice, great poem. Have you ever heard The Kingston Trio do a song called Oh Miss Mary it was on an album called College concert UCLA. they now have it on a remake called An Evening with the kingston trio----justs thouht you might like the song. Keep on keepin on Rastaaaaa

ps; just find a banjo picker ,bring em out to your sno-blower. the sno-blower will start rite up,bite the banjo player and run off to the forest, you ll never see yer sno_blower again.-----beg borrow or steal a cresent wrench or socket take out the spark plug, dry it off make sure the gas has not gone bad, put plug back in and if it doesnt start call Bob Villa from this old house. he ll wrap it in sheet rock

Subject: RE: A challenge:a flea,an orange,a bicycle seat
From: Helen
Date: 18 Jan 99 - 01:23 AM

Okay, Here's my contribution. As a matter of fact I couldn't think of amything to write for a couple of days and you all overwhelmed me with your creative responses so I just sat down and wrote this today - which I had vaguely been toying with in my head over the weekend.

I'm starting to think that we should make this a regular event - pick three items at random and challenge the creative Mudcat geniuses - singular and collective - to create.

Helen

PS I hope the paragraph breaks format properly. ****************

One day a flea decided that he was tired of living in the poorer part of town, living in run-down houses and feeding off malnourished people. He wanted luxurious surroundings and the taste of rich foods in the blood of his parasitic hosts. Even though he loved the dried-blood colour of the walls and hallways of his apartment block, because it reminded him of food, he was sure that a better future awaited him somewhere else. He didn't want to leave his friends and family either, but he wanted more from life than he could ever get by living here. So, he hopped out of a second storey window, floated down in the breeze and proceeded to hop northward to the better part of town.

He kept on hoppping forward,never turning back, and when evening fell he hopped into a very fancy looking bar. It wasn't just any local pub or bar, it was a club bar with soft music and plush pile carpet and velvet upholstery on the seats. He hopped around under the tables looking at all of the patrons until, suddenly across the room, he saw exactly what he was looking for.

Sitting alone at a table there was a very elegant lady in a pale coloured business suit. She was delicately peeling an orange, without getting any of the juice on herself or her suit. The flea decided that he wanted to go home with this beautiful lady so he hopped over and found a hiding place in her rather large handbag. He couldn't work out why this elegant lady should have a bicycle seat in her handbag, but he was so pleased to have found her that he just snuggled down and rested after his long day, and savoured his pleasant sense of anticipation about the wonderful place he would live in from now on.

After a while the flea was awoken by movement. He looked up from inside the handbag and saw that the lady was getting ready to leave the bar. He watched from his hiding place as she gathered her things together, smoothed her clothes, picked up her handbag and walked towards the exit. He was curious when he realised that she was walking towards the rear exit of the bar, and watched as they came out into a back lane. He crawled up to the top edge of the handbag so that he could get a cleared view and watched as the lady went over to a bicycle chained to a lamppost. It didn't have a bicycle seat, but she took the bicycle seat and a screwdriver out of her handbag and proceeded to screw the seat onto the bicycle.

By this time the flea was very intrigued. Why would such an elegant lady, who appeared to be able to afford the most luxurious car, be riding a bicycle parked in a back lane behind a bar?

In a very short time the lady had attached the bicycle seat, wiped her hands on a cloth and replaced the cloth in a neat little plastic bag, strapped her belongings onto the carry rack, and then hitched up her skirt and rode down the lane and out onto the street. The flea watched and was happy to see that she rode northward along the street, but when she reached the fourth corner she turned left and then left again and started heading southward along another street.

She rode on and on until the flea fell asleep with the rocking motion of the bicycle. He awoke with a start as he heard the bicycle being clunk-clunk-clunked up some stairs. He climbed up onto the rim of the handbag, looked around him and saw, to his horror, the same walls painted the colour of dried blood which he had left that morning before his big adventure. Surely the lady couldn't live here, in his part of town. She was far too rich and elegant to live here, but he heard her talking to a man as she entered her flat.

"Hi Honey, I'm home", she said. "I know I said it would be worthwhile getting that fancy job in town, wearing fancy clothes and going to fancy places, but I'm always so much happier getting back here to our own little flat. It's not luxurious but it's home."

The flea reeled in shock and fell back down into the handbag. All of his travelling had been in vain. He was tired after his long day, he hadn't sucked even one drop of blood since breakfast, and now he would have to start looking for a place to live all over again.

Then, a thought struck him. If he stayed in this flat, lived off these people, and then stowed away in the lady's handbag every day he could have the best of both worlds. He could still live in his own neighbourhood, close to his friends and family, but he could travel to the centre of the city every day in the handbag and have big adventures and suck the blood of lots of people who lived on rich, tasty foods.

He finally decided that he was in flea heaven here after all.

Subject: RE: A challenge:a flea,an orange,a bicycle seat
From: catspaw49
Date: 17 Jan 99 - 11:39 PM

Well, there ya' go !!! If we ain't hittin' all the points then Lord I don't know what......and Lord knows I don't know what....'course there's been a lot of days in my (some say misspent) youth that I wasn't none too hot on where, when, or why either. Come to think of it, the older I get, I find I STILL ain't too good with any of 'em. But there is one thing I believe can be said...

WE HAVEN'T SEEN OR HEARD FROM HELEN...YO'...HELEN!!!!!

catspaw

Subject: RE: A challenge:a flea,an orange,a bicycle seat
From: Alice
Date: 17 Jan 99 - 10:32 PM

--Cuilionn, very gude.

Subject: RE: A challenge:a flea,an orange,a bicycle seat
From: Cuilionn
Date: 17 Jan 99 - 09:52 PM

Th' dreadfu' web o' circumstance: a sonnet

'Tis lang, o'erlang, I've waitit, makin' maen. A sufferin' lass wi' ample seat, less wheels, But nae mair can I rest, fair feshed, alane. This sturdy frame an unco' rough road feels!

Aiblins I'd hop frae lad tae lad, like some Fair lasses, mimicin' wee blastit fleas, Oor act th' cricket, guidmon's haerth tae warm, But och! twa legs, nae six, an' puir tae please.

Forgie th' road an' hame, then. I'll gae root mysel' an' crookit graw, like some auld tree. I'll hang mysel' wi' oranges, temptin' fruit... An' laddies then shall twine an' clamber me!

Nae wheel, nae hoppin' heicht, nae ripened gold... Och, wae is me, nane hae I; I, nane hauld!!!

That wis muckle guid fun...thanks!

--Cuilionn

Subject: RE: A challenge:a flea,an orange,a bicycle seat
From: catspaw49
Date: 17 Jan 99 - 08:46 PM

STILL WAITING ON YOU HELEN....FAIR HELEN,WHERE ART THOU?

catspaw

Subject: RE: A challenge:a flea,an orange,a bicycle seat
From: Alice
Date: 17 Jan 99 - 05:45 PM

Building bookshelves!! How did you know that was my next project? The lady that has rented my basement rooms for the last 2 years is moving out, and I can now have the space to create a library in the family room downstairs.
Yes, I can cook and bake, but don't have time except around holidays, yes, I've had to do some plumbing (replace a toilet, the usual homeowner stuff) but if anyone could come here and get my snowblower to start, I would really appreciate it. I think I need to take the spark plug out and clean it, but I just don't want to deal with it.

alice in montana, where the driveway is covered with snow.

Subject: RE: A challenge:a flea,an orange,a bicycle seat
From: rick fielding
Date: 17 Jan 99 - 05:32 PM

All right Alice, this is getting to be a little much! We've ascertained that you can draw, paint, write, raise a child, design a web-site, play and sing music, compose in the style of the great Scotish bard, and goodness knows what else! I need to know: Are you a great cook, can you stop a leaky faucet, build a bookshelf, and change the oil in your car? If so, I'm nominating you for Governor of Montana. (Minnesota's already taken)

Subject: RE: A challenge:a flea,an orange,a bicycle seat
From: catspaw49
Date: 17 Jan 99 - 05:06 PM

But Alice, now we're getting all of you, both "bawdy" and soul.

Another fine work as I'm sure Rick will agree. Makes the Poet Laureate process far simpler when we have such a bawdy of work to draw on for our nomination speeches.

HELEN?......ARE YOU OUT THERE HELEN?.........catspaw

Subject: RE: A challenge:a flea,an orange,a bicycle seat
From: Alice
Date: 17 Jan 99 - 04:59 PM

Since we are so close to Burns night, I have such tunes running through my mind.

Comin' Through the Rye

Gin a body meet a body, comin' tho' the rye,
Gin a body kiss a body, need a body cry?
Ilka poet has her lyric,
No fleas on me, say I
And all the lads they smile on me, when comin' thro' the rye.

Gin a body meet a body, comin frae the well,
Gin a body kiss a body, need a body tell?
Ilka cycle seat caused callous,
Let me walk, say I
And all the lads they smile on me, when comin' thro' the rye.

Gin a body meet a body, comin' frae the town,
Gin a body greet a body greet a body, need a body gloom,
Ilka orange is sweet and juicy,
So they say am I,
And all the lads they lo'e me weel, And what the waur am I?

(see what you've done, now you've gone and turned me bawdy, and I haven't even participated in the condom thread.)

alice in montana

Subject: RE: A challenge:a flea,an orange,a bicycle seat
From: catspaw49
Date: 17 Jan 99 - 04:34 PM

Yes, things are coming along fine. Rick: perhaps there is a "Poet Laureate" vacancy for her.

Alice: If nominated, will you accept? Rick and I will provide the nomination and the second.

Art: lacks a little grace,so to speak,but an acceptable contribution.

But...HELEN!!!...HEY,HELEN...PLEASE COME SEE US HELEN!!!..as it's creator, you "owe" something to your thread.

catspaw

Subject: RE: A challenge:a flea,an orange,a bicycle seat
From: Alice
Date: 17 Jan 99 - 04:16 PM

...thank you, ...thank you very much

Subject: RE: A challenge:a flea,an orange,a bicycle seat
From: rick fielding
Date: 17 Jan 99 - 03:50 PM

To Montan'Alice, I've read your postings, and of course my curiosity got the best of me and I checked out your website. All interesting and well done, and THEN I see your Auld Lang Syne parody. Whooooo! (sharp intake of breath) If you haven't as yet been recognised by your state as a national treasure, then it's long overdue.

Subject: RE: A challenge:a flea,an orange,a bicycle seat
From: Art Thieme
Date: 17 Jan 99 - 12:10 PM

Amazing---a flea lit on an orange,
And sucked like a babe with his teat,
He once was lost, but now has found,
It smells better than a bicycle seat.

Art

Subject: RE: A challenge:a flea,an orange,a bicycle seat
From: catspaw49
Date: 17 Jan 99 - 11:48 AM

ALRIGHT ALICE !!!! TREMENDOUS EFFORT !!!

AND...A TRUE SENTIMWNT TO BOOT !!!

(minor deduction: substitution "bike" for "bicycle"

but...GREAT JOB !!! ***CHEERS***APPLAUSE***BRAVO***

Uh, Helen? Where's yours ???

catspaw

Subject: RE: A challenge:a flea,an orange,a bicycle seat
From: Alice
Date: 17 Jan 99 - 11:08 AM

Tune of Auld Lang Syne

Should all the 'catters scratch their heads,
And dare to bring to mind,
A clever thought for these poor threads,
Dead flea, bike seat, orange rind?

We've wandered many a weary night,
Through lists of lyrics fine,
But now discussions make us bored,
Been there, done that, ten times.

We've reached the evil fate of late,
With age, place, face, and kind,
Of writing more about ourselves
Than instruments and rhyme.

So here's a hand for Helen fair
Give us a song of thine,
Many thanks for inspiration here,
And now you've read all mine.

alice in montana

Subject: RE: A challenge:a flea,an orange,a bicycle seat
From: catspaw49
Date: 17 Jan 99 - 08:08 AM

Helen...Helen...Oh, Helen....Where is your submission to your thread?

You were "working on your own" and after submitting such a challenge you need to follow through...

Helen?...Helen?....C'mon now...Fingers stuck in your harp strings?

Helen...We're waiting..............

catspaw

Subject: RE: A challenge:a flea,an orange,a bicycle seat
From: catspaw49
Date: 16 Jan 99 - 09:22 PM

To the tune of "Ashokan Farewell"

My bicycle seat has ruined my prostate
A flea seems to have bitten me square on the ass
The orange that I snacked on may have been rotten
And it's given me a god-awful case of bad gas.

I'm obcessive,compulsive,
This thread's driving me crazy
A flea and an orange
And a bicycle seat
If I don't stop now
Karen's going to kill me
And they'll carry me out, covered o'er with a sheet.

I am O/C and this type thing drives me nuts. There's always another one lurking somewhere...catspaw

Subject: RE: A challenge:a flea,an orange,a bicycle seat
From: catspaw49
Date: 16 Jan 99 - 06:48 PM

To the tune of "Yellow Rose of Texas"

Fair Helen rode down to the store to get an orange to eat
She peeled and ate it deep in thought, resting 'gainst her bicycle seat
"Catters think that their brain power could heat Oak Ridge Tennessee
But all their brains together, could not warm a flea.

Helen had a great idea, while thinking 'bout that flea
She leapt upon her bicycle seat and rode home merrily
With the orange to energize her, she sat before her screen
And she issued a great challenge, but it's met now as you've seen.

catspaw...by the way, where's yours Helen?

Subject: RE: A challenge:a flea,an orange,a bicycle seat
From: catspaw49
Date: 16 Jan 99 - 12:54 PM

Michael row the boat ashore, hallelujah
He sang this song forevermore,hallelu.u.jah

He thought his paddle boat was really neat, hallelujaah
Pushed the pedals from a bicycle seat,hallelu.u.jah

Michael reached for a little snack,hallelujah
Took an orange from his lunch sack,hallelu.u.jah

But the bag was full of fleas,hallelujah
And he prayed to the Lord "Oh Please",hallelu.u.jah

"Kill this biting,scratchy horde," hallelujah
"How have I displeased you Lord," hallelu.u.jah

The Lord spoke,"You've done nothing wrong," hallelujah
"I just can't stand this freaking song," hallelu.u.jah

Michael's boat's on the ocean floor,hallelujah
We don't have to sing this song NO MORE,hallelu.u.jah!

or to "Irish Washerwoman"....

My dental dam's shaped like a bicycle seat,
And it tastes like an orange which I find really neat
It protects me against AIDS and most STD's,
But I only wish it would kill off the fleas.

Sorry...But thought I'd pay tribute to 2 other threads currently running.....catspaw

Subject: RE: A challenge:a flea,an orange,a bicycle seat
From: bob
Date: 16 Jan 99 - 12:34 AM

sorry bout the triple posting....computer glitch

Subject: RE: A challenge:a flea,an orange,a bicycle seat
From: bob
Date: 16 Jan 99 - 12:30 AM

One time I goed crazy,a dream come to me thought I's walkin with a world-worn flea in my dream ther's nobody else around cept an orange in a tree, hangin down climbed up th trunk highs I could go but the fruit was outta reach, and I told th flea so said th flea to me "don't worry yer head I'll climb up on the branch instead alls I really need from you is some means of travel, a rock or a shoe or any old thing that you might find see I'll sit on it and you can send me flyin" so down goes I and I walks around lookin for flea-fliers on th ground then what should I kick with my stumblin feet some body dropped their bicycle seat! well I picked it up and on jumps th flea and I flung him up in that citrus tree I said "come on, boy, drop that orange down" but the flea just laughed sayin "Ain't you a clown!" He said "I got better things to do than sit in th dirt eatin lunch with you" now I don't mind sayin,it made me swear to watch that flea puttin on airs and as I start to stomp and steam thats where i wake up from this crazy dream now a very wise man once said all them dreams is just in yer head but my advice is of a different kind you give me half of yer orange I'll give you half of mine

Subject: RE: A challenge:a flea,an orange,a bicycle seat
From: bob
Date: 16 Jan 99 - 12:29 AM

One time I goed crazy,a dream come to me thought I's walkin with a world-worn flea in my dream ther's nobody else around cept an orange in a tree, hangin down climbed up th trunk highs I could go but the fruit was outta reach, and I told th flea so said th flea to me "don't worry yer head I'll climb up on the branch instead alls I really need from you is some means of travel, a rock or a shoe or any old thing that you might find see I'll sit on it and you can send me flyin" so down goes I and I walks around lookin for flea-fliers on th ground then what should I kick with my stumblin feet some body dropped their bicycle seat! well I picked it up and on jumps th flea and I flung him up in that citrus tree I said "come on, boy, drop that orange down" but the flea just laughed sayin "Ain't you a clown!" He said "I got better things to do than sit in th dirt eatin lunch with you" now I don't mind sayin,it made me swear to watch that flea puttin on airs and as I start to stomp and steam thats where i wake up from this crazy dream now a very wise man once said all them dreams is just in yer head but my advice is of a different kind you give me half of yer orange I'll give you half of mine

Subject: RE: A challenge:a flea,an orange,a bicycle seat
From: bob
Date: 16 Jan 99 - 12:27 AM

One time I goed crazy,a dream come to me thought I's walkin with a world-worn flea in my dream ther's nobody else around cept an orange in a tree, hangin down climbed up th trunk highs I could go but the fruit was outta reach, and I told th flea so said th flea to me "don't worry yer head I'll climb up on the branch instead alls I really need from you is some means of travel, a rock or a shoe or any old thing that you might find see I'll sit on it and you can send me flyin" so down goes I and I walks around lookin for flea-fliers on th ground then what should I kick with my stumblin feet some body dropped their bicycle seat! well I picked it up and on jumps th flea and I flung him up in that citrus tree I said "come on, boy, drop that orange down" but the flea just laughed sayin "Ain't you a clown!" He said "I got better things to do than sit in th dirt eatin lunch with you" now I don't mind sayin,it made me swear to watch that flea puttin on airs and as I start to stomp and steam thats where i wake up from this crazy dream now a very wise man once said all them dreams is just in yer head but my advice is of a different kind you give me half of yer orange I'll give you half of mine

Subject: RE: A challenge:a flea,an orange,a bicycle seat
From: katlaughing
Date: 15 Jan 99 - 09:29 PM

A bicyle seat is slant and narrow, An orange rolls off and falls in the barrow, Hits a flea upon his head, "Ow!" cries he "I thought they said YOU wouldn't hurt a flea!"

OR

My Lady sits and peels an orange, Upon her bicyle seat while pedaling She's gone to work in the circus, From there who knows where she is heading?

And:

The up and down and pumping On a bicylce seat reminds me Of orange-eating fleas in winter And lovers in bed a'scratching!

One more 'cause it's so MUCH FUN! This one is based on growing up in Colorado where a lot of idiots used to come to hunt poor Bambies and usually wound up shooting either each other or a resident cow!

Steathily, grunting, liquored up They climb the hills together, Eyes bloodshot and their rifles cocked They're out to shoot a mother.

They have some oranges in their pockets, And orange garments all over their bodies, When they find a carcass of their own, On a bicyle seat in a wadi!

I can't help it! Make me stop! Aaarggghhhh.....!

Sexy Susie Sucks an Orange Rides on a bicylce seat to Sara's Says She to Her, "I never knew, There's Fleas in the Sahara!"

NOW, GO SING "SAHARA, NOW YOU'RE DRY LIKE ME!" (great old Prohibition tune!)

Subject: RE: A challenge:a flea,an orange,a bicycle seat
From: John Twomey
Date: 15 Jan 99 - 06:23 PM

At the house in the middle lives a little bitty flea, he sings to the dog, "you can't catch me." you can scratch, you can itch, you can roll in the ditch, but you can't catch me cause I'm a little bitty flea.

The doggy mounted up high on a bicycle seat, and took off a-rolling down the street, he balanced an orange on the tip of his nose, thinking 'isn't this neat, what a wonderfull feat.'

This tale is true as the day I was borned, Don't call me a liar cause I won't be scorned, you can scratch, you can itch, you can roll in a ditch, but I won't be forlorn if I can't rhyme orange.

Subject: RE: A challenge:a flea,an orange,a bicycle seat
From: Helen
Date: 15 Jan 99 - 05:16 PM

I knew it! I knew you guys could write about anything in a funny creative way.

More, please, pleeeeeaaaaaaaase.

Helen

PS I'm not going to complain about mildly crass contributions, but obviously we have to keep it within the bounds of relatively/Mudcatly polite company.

Caution to others: if you don't like it please read the other threads instead - except the condom thread of course.

Subject: RE: A challenge:a flea,an orange,a bicycle seat
From: catspaw49
Date: 15 Jan 99 - 01:33 PM

So Okay, Helen...I fear my fellow 'catter may be right. This is an evil thread!!!! But, in that case......

A flea whiffed at my bicycle seat
And inquired, "Son, what do you eat?"
Says I, "One orange a day!"
He says, "Don't smell that way,"
"This is more like a polecat in HEAT!"

OR

"Neath a flatulent, bike riding Lass
Rode a flea, overcome by her gas.
"This bicycle seat's not for me,"
Gasped the poor flea,
"Unless she sticks an orange up her ass."

My apologies to all...but,uh...well......catspaw

Subject: RE: A challenge:a flea,an orange,a bicycle seat
From: catspaw49
Date: 15 Jan 99 - 01:17 PM

A flea
an orange
a bicycle seat
hmmm
a test

Subject: RE: A challenge:a flea,an orange,a bicycle seat
From: Bert
Date: 15 Jan 99 - 10:47 AM

That brings to mind a Scottish poem I once heard.
Something about a Skate, a Herring Board and a Lum Hat wantin' a Croon.

Bert.

Subject: RE: A challenge:a flea,an orange,a bicycle seat
From: Peter T.
Date: 15 Jan 99 - 08:22 AM

A flea, an orange, and a bicycle seat go into a bar, where they meet an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman. The flea immediately takes to the Englishman (scratch the flea). The orange and the Irishman (who is not an Orangeman) do not get on from the start. The bicycle seat and the Scotsman start off well, but finally they have an argument and the bicycle seat leaves in a rage. The flea says, why don't you chat up the orange instead, and the Scotsman says, no, I think I'll wait for the bicycle seat to come back. After all, these things go in cycles.

Yours, Peter T.

Subject: RE: A challenge:a flea,an orange,a bicycle seat
From: KingBrilliant
Date: 15 Jan 99 - 06:17 AM

A flea-bitten old dog in a dirty street. Discarded bottles and a bycicle seat. Clutching an orange in a wet paper bag, the boy smokes the butt of a stranger's fag.

yurk!! This is really bringing out the worst in people... evil thread!!

Subject: RE: A challenge:a flea,an orange,a bicycle seat
From: Rincon Roy
Date: 15 Jan 99 - 02:32 AM

once I rode, no bicycle seat, leaned too far and fell into a street. But first I landed on my seat! So I'm a flea brain, and worser poet, but even I know you can't rhyme "orange!" & a pox on the guy who hollered, "door hinge."

Now look what you made me do!

Subject: A challenge:a flea,an orange,a bicycle seat
From: Helen
Date: 15 Jan 99 - 01:28 AM

Okay. I've been reading the thread about what sort of condoms Mudcateers prefer, and I have come to the conclusion that we can talk about any topic in the world and manage to think laterally, find related & unrelated topics, write or recite songs, stories, poems or jokes about it, and generally have a really interesting time, even if it doesn't stay right on topic.

So, I'm issuing a story/song/poem/joke writing challenge. I tried to think of 3 unrelated items and I eventually decided on:

a flea, an orange, and a bicycle seat.

I want to see the creative and lateral thinking manifestations that you all bring forth, even if it is only *discussions* on the topics - but the challenge is to make a cohesive piece of writing which inludes the 3 items. You can bring in other items as long as it isn't just a long list without some sort of idea behind it.

Meanwhile I'll work on my own creation and get back to you.

I hope you'll accept my challenge. And, I am open to suggestions for modifications to the idea.

Helen P.S. Keep on laughing and thinking - that's why I stay around the Mudcat site.