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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Bryn Pugh Date: 09 Apr 08 - 10:41 AM There was a young fellow named Dodd Who put his own mother in pod. He did it to spite her, the rotter, the blighter, The bugger, the arsehole, the sod. |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Bryn Pugh Date: 09 Apr 08 - 11:08 AM Scraping the barrel ? There was a young fellow called Rex Who was utterly useless at sex. His girl-friend, agape Said'I can't call that rape - De minimis non curat lex !' |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Midchuck Date: 09 Apr 08 - 11:37 AM For those who have problems remembering lyrics: There was a young lady in Spain Who met with dishonor, again. And again, and again, And again, and again, And again, and again, and again. P. |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,Bobby Zelmet Date: 09 Apr 08 - 05:24 PM Anyone ever come across this one? It's not very dirty or witty, but it's the very first limerick I heard when I was about 4 which is 56 years ago. The old lady next door told me it and she was from King's Lynn but living in Hull. There was a young lady from Spain She cocked her leg over a train, The train went fast And tickled her arse There was a young lady from Spain I seem to remember there were lots of children's limericks around then that repeated the first line at the end. |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Joe_F Date: 09 Apr 08 - 07:57 PM Limericks that have the first & last line the same (or ending the same) are sometimes called "learicks", because Edward Lear favored that scheme: There was an Old Man of Whitehaven, Who danced a quadrille with a raven; But they said, "It's absurd To encourage this bird!" So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven. |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,Rich Date: 10 Apr 08 - 05:36 PM OK someone had to put this one in. I was hoping it would be someone else. There once was a man from Nantucket his dick was so long he could suck it he said with a grin as he wiped off his chin if my ear were a cunt I would fuck it |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Old Grizzly Date: 10 Apr 08 - 06:19 PM There was an old man from Wales who lived on gangrenous snails when he could get none of these he lived on green cheeze that he picked off his dick with his nails yakki da |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,Lighter Date: 10 Apr 08 - 06:33 PM Has anybody ever sung limericks with a chorus that refers to the city of Limerick? If so, what are the words and tune? |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: The Sandman Date: 10 Apr 08 - 07:06 PM a young cleric from Ballydehob. had a willie that reached to his gob. he revealed his intentions to young girls at confession. while he rode on his dickey,and sobbed |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Joe_F Date: 10 Apr 08 - 08:45 PM There was also a man from Nantucket Who went down to hell in a bucket. When asked to come out, He'd just sit there and shout "Up your arseholes, you buggers! and suck it!" I once saw a man on a bus with a T-shirt that said "*I* am the young man from Nantucket", but I missed the chance to ask him which he was. |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,benhayes, limerick - yes!!!!!!!!! Date: 02 Nov 08 - 07:37 AM a policeman's daughter from Louth longed for a cock hard and stout she tried masturbation to relieve her frustration but had worn all his batons out. |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Midchuck Date: 02 Nov 08 - 09:07 AM I once saw a man on a bus with a T-shirt that said "*I* am the young man from Nantucket", but I missed the chance to ask him which he was. I have one of those shirts. Found at a yard sale years ago. I save it for formal occasions. Peter |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Bill D Date: 02 Nov 08 - 10:38 AM What one learns from the many, many limerick threads is that there are about 27 common, well-known bawdy limericks....and they get posted over & over & over...with small variations. wait...maybe there's 31... One other thing one learns, is that some folks don't care much about keeping the meter very precise. (oh...and the one back in April, about 'farting the oboe part', is a short variation of a LONG one called "The Farter from Sparta", which is one of the most erudite creations in the genré.)(It's in the database, but MUCH expanded from the original, and with a bit less care given to precise meter and classical references) |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,ben hayes, limerick city (the homeof..) Date: 02 Nov 08 - 11:22 AM there was a man from knocklong, who's prick was amazingly strong, as he hammered the bum of a girl who was dumb she suddenly burst into song! |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,ben hayes, limerick rake 3 Date: 02 Nov 08 - 11:27 AM There was a man from Hongkong who's prick was extremely long one blistering day as he stood in bombay he fucked a whore in Ceylon! |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Leadfingers Date: 02 Nov 08 - 03:19 PM Bil D - I CANT resist posting -: There was a young man from Japan Who'se Limericks never would scan# When they asked him why He made this reply I like to get as many words in the last line as ever I possibly can . |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: trevek Date: 02 Nov 08 - 05:49 PM A sex-starved girl named Jill Used a dynamite stick for a thrill Twas in North Carolina they found her vagina And bits of her tits in Brazil There once was a man from Nantucket Whose dick was so long he could suck it. He said with a grin, As he wiped off his chin, If my ear was a c*nt I could f*ck it. |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Musket Date: 02 Nov 08 - 06:08 PM There was a young man of high station Found by a pious relation Making love in a ditch To I won't say a bitch But a woman of no reputation. I suppose where I come from, we would say she had a reputation rather than not having one? Tends to date the limerick somewhat... |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Joe_F Date: 02 Nov 08 - 08:35 PM Aliter: An audacious young lady named Alice Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. They found her vagina In North Carolina -- Her rectum, in Buckingham Palace. There once was a certain Dalmatian, A canine of high social station. He was found in a ditch With -- I won't say a bitch, But -- a person of no reputation. A dumb meter-reader named Peter Used a candle to read a gas meter. The predictable leak Blew him into next week, And, as you can tell if you know anything about scansion, it also ruined the meter. |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Leadfingers Date: 02 Nov 08 - 09:05 PM The guy who wrote songs for our band Wrote Limericks that never totally scanned No matter how hard he tried Though he roamed far and near He never quite found the correct Rhyme or meter OR !! There was a young man named Magee Who was stung on the neck by a bee When asked if it hurt He said "No not at all ! It can do it again if it likes " |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Bill D Date: 02 Nov 08 - 10:03 PM My point has been proved...the Nantucket one was posted AGAIN in this very thread...as have the ones ABOUT meter & scansion. But thank you, one & all... |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: pavane Date: 03 Nov 08 - 04:15 AM A good many of the ones quoted can be found in the "Pan book of Limericks" c1972. As well as this subtle one: Young girls who frequent picture palaces Set no store by psychoanalysis Though the great Mr Freud Got rather annoyed They just cling to their old-fashioned fallacies (If you don't get the pun when reading it, try saying the last word aloud) |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Dave Hunt Date: 03 Nov 08 - 07:36 AM A habit obscene and unsavoury Holds the Bishop of Wessex in slavery With maniac howls He deflowers young owls He keeps in an underground aviary Now the Bishop of Dunstan-St-Just Was consumed by a similar lust So he raped all those owls Those elegant fowls And a little green lizard what bust. |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Dave Hunt Date: 03 Nov 08 - 07:46 AM I actually wrote some I use when trying out PA systems When I need to try out the PA I have to have something to say So what do I do I just say one two Not exactly original eh? When we're trying out the sound system Our engineer needs some assistin' To try out the mic We could say what we like But one-two,one-two takes some resistin' Why do I just say one two, one two, one two (fading echo effect!) When anything else would do, would do, would do I know it sounds boring But please stop your snoring I'm doing it just for the crew, the crew, the crew,the crew....... |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,Fifer Date: 03 Nov 08 - 10:56 AM Our Plumbers new bathroom creation immediately caused a sensation! In the wink of an eye, it would unzip your fly, and simulate master-bi-ation |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: theleveller Date: 03 Nov 08 - 11:02 AM There was a young fellow named Tucker Who, instructing a novice cocksucker, Said, "Don't blow out your lips Like an elephant's hips; The boys like it best when you pucker. From the depths of the crypt at St Giles Came a scream that resounded for miles. Said the vicar, "Good gracious! Has Father Ignatius Forgotten the Bishop has piles? |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: theleveller Date: 03 Nov 08 - 12:11 PM A well-endowed fellow called Stark Swan nude in the sea for a lark Till some mischievous pollocks Devoured his bollocks And his dick was consumed by a shark |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: bubblyrat Date: 03 Nov 08 - 12:48 PM Here's one I wrote earlier : A young Belfast sailor named Sid, Tried to bugger himself with a fid :- He smeared it with lard, And sat down on it hard, But it split him in half ( so it did). |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: alanabit Date: 03 Nov 08 - 01:25 PM Young Hamlet thought uncle a traitor For having it off with his mater To revenge Dad or not That's the gist of the plot And he did - nine soliloquies later. (Not one of my own, I regret. I can't recall the name of the author). |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: theleveller Date: 04 Nov 08 - 03:22 AM There was a young lady called Claire Had incredibly dense pubic hair Her boyfriend, called Jim, Never did find her quim And said it felt just like fucking a bear. There once was a lady called Drever Had a most incredible beaver This remarkable twat Had teeth like a rat, Cut down trees and built dams on the reever A striptease artist from Bude Would dance with a snake in the nude It would slip down her front Put its head up her c**t And she'd say,"Oooh, that really feels gude". |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: pavane Date: 04 Nov 08 - 04:17 AM TO:GUEST,an artist shafted by bulmer Hi, there are several message threads here on the subject, to which I have made a very small contribution, suggestions only. It is better to post to the thread where you found the relevant message. But in reply, I don't think anyone has yet made any progress in either obtaining royalties or recovering the rights to their recordings. It seems that you will need very deep pockets if you want to take legal action, even though there MAY be a case. Sorry for the bad news. |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: pavane Date: 04 Nov 08 - 04:20 AM TO:GUEST,an artist shafted by bulmer If you wish to continue a discussion, perhaps you should consider becoming a member (it's free and confidential) and can then communicate by private message (PM) if necessary to the various members who are following this topic. |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: pavane Date: 04 Nov 08 - 04:24 AM (One for the folks at Blackmore) There was a young lady from Ongar Who had it away with a conga When asked how it felt She said that it smelt But was just like a man, only longa |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Leadfingers Date: 04 Nov 08 - 11:33 AM All I can say is :- God's plan made a hopeful beginning But man went and spoiled it by sinning We trust that the story Will end in God's Glory But at present the other side's winning |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,A non Date: 04 Nov 08 - 11:57 AM There once was a young man from Brighton Who said to his gal "You've a tight un" She said " 'pon my soul You've got the wrong hole There's plenty of room in the right un" |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Bob Hitchcock Date: 04 Nov 08 - 01:44 PM There once was a man fron Dajeeling, Who rode on the bus to Ealing, A sign on the door Said "Don't piss on the floor" So he stood up and pissed on the Ceiling. old one I fear. |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Joe_F Date: 04 Nov 08 - 08:30 PM Aliter: There was once a young fellow of Brighton, Who thought he'd at last found a tight one. Said he, "Ah, my love, It fits like a glove", But she said, "You're not in the right one." * A lovely young lady of Chichester Made even the saints in their niches stir, And one morning at matins Her breasts 'neath their satins Made the bishop of Chichester's breeches stir. |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: bubblyrat Date: 05 Nov 08 - 06:03 AM My granny's favourite ; (sorry if it's on here already---I can't be arsed to check) There once was a woman called Hilda, Who went for a walk with a builder : She said that she would, And he could,and he should, So he did---and it bloody near killed her. |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Joe_F Date: 05 Nov 08 - 10:00 PM "For the tenth time, dear Daphnis," said Chloe, "You have told me my bosom is 'snowy'". You have wasted much verse on Each part of my person. Now do something. That's a good boy!" (Said to be most women's favorite limerick) |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,Larry The 5th Date: 14 May 09 - 07:33 PM This one is an original. May be a new thread, too... Said a horny young mechanic named Jack, To a Customer making a living on her back, "To get your transmission in gear, I'll trade a head job, My Dear, Or you wheels will never leave the rack !" |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Joe_F Date: 14 May 09 - 09:28 PM By chance, there was recently a limerick request on Live Journal, and I posted the following: You can smoke a symbolic cigar, You can ride in a long, sexy car, But a phallic church steeple, To sensible people, Is stretching the thing rather far. |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,FART00 Date: 19 Oct 09 - 01:45 AM THERE ONCE WAS A MAN NAMED McGROOTER WHO SPIED A YOUNG NUDE AND HE WOOED HER THE NUDE THOUGHT IT CRUDE TO BE WOOED IN THE NUDE BUT McGROOTER WAS SHREWDER AND SCREWED HER. THERE WAS AND OLD MINER NAMED DAVE WHO FOUND A DEAD WHORE IN A CAVE SHE HAD ONE TIT SHE SMELLED LIKE SHIT BUT JUST THINK OF THE MONEY HE SAVED. THERE WAS A YOUNG MAN FROM WALES WHO SUCKED THE SNOT FROM SNAILS AND WHEN HE'D RUN OUT OF THESE HE'D EAT THE CHEESE HE DUG FROM HIS SHORTS WITH HIS NAILS. THERE WAS A YOUND LADY FROM FRANCE WHO TOOK A TRAIN BY CHANCE THE ENGINEER FUCKED HER AND SO'D THE CONDUCTOR AND THE BRAKEE SHOT OFF IN HIS PANTS. THERE WAS AN OLD WHORE FROM McPEET WHO'S CUNT WAS STILL SUPRISINGLY SWEET THE YOUNG MEN WOULD JACK OFF AT THE SIGHT OF HER COIFFE AND SHOOT LOADS OF CUM AT HER FEET. RANDY WAS A SHORT LITTLE MIDGET WHOSE DICK WAS AS SMALL AS HIS FIRST DIDGET WHEN FACED WITH A LARGE CUNT THIS INGENIOUS CUNNING YOUNG RUNT WOULD STICK IN HIS HEAD AND START TO FIDGET. THIS ONE IS DEDICATED TO MY LITTLE FRIEND RANDY BRADFORD....TOM |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: eddie1 Date: 19 Oct 09 - 03:01 AM There was a young couple from Aberystwyth Who united the things that they kissed with But when they got older, they also got bolder And united the things that they pissed with. A constable from Clapham Junction Had a penis that just wouldn't function For the rest of his life, he excited his wife With dexterous use of his truncheon. Eddie |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Hollowfox Date: 19 Oct 09 - 05:47 PM My father always said that there were three kinds of limericks: 1) The kind you can tell to ladies 2) The kind you can tell to clergy 3) Limericks |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Joe_F Date: 19 Oct 09 - 08:00 PM There was once a young lady named Sue, Who preferred a stiff drink to a screw, But one leads to the other, And now she's a mother -- Let that be a lesson to you! |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Smedley Date: 20 Oct 09 - 09:51 AM (Possibly here already, haven't read every last offering) There was a young scholar at King's Whose mind dwelled on heavenly things His dearest desire Was a boy in the choir With an arse like a jelly on springs [jelly as in jello, for our American readers] |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Bryn Pugh Date: 20 Oct 09 - 10:27 AM A certain actuary called Paul - He had a mathematical ball. The square root of its weight Was his penis times eight Plus one third of four fifths of fuck all. |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST Date: 20 Oct 09 - 02:14 PM Four from Norman Douglas, as quoted by Stephen Fry in The Ode Less Travelled: There was an old fellow of Brest, Who sucked off his wife with great zest, Despite her great yowls, He sucked out her bowels, And spat them all over her chest. There was a young man of Nantucket, Whose prick was so long he could suck it, He said with a grin, As he wiped off his chin, 'If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it.' There was an old man or Corfu, Who fed upon cunt juice and spew, When he couldn't get this, He fed upon piss, And a bloody good substitute too! There was an old man of Brienz, The length of whose cock was immense, With one swerve he could plug, A boy's bottom Zug, And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Koblenz. |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Songbob Date: 20 Oct 09 - 03:13 PM There once was a man name of Arden, Who got a blow-job in a garden. He said, "My dear Flo, Where does that stuff go?" And she said, [Gulp!] "Beg pardon?" There once were two maidens from Birmingham, And this is the scandal concerning 'em: They lifted the frock, And sucked on the cock Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em. If I can recall any more, I'll post 'em. Bob |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Joe_F Date: 20 Oct 09 - 06:28 PM Songbob: That last one continues: Now, that bishop was nobody's fool. He'd been to divinity school. So he hauled down his breeches And screwed those two witches With his holy episcopal tool. Now, one of those girls was named Sue, And Sue said, when the Bishop got through, "The vicar was quicker And slicker and thicker And two inches longer than you." |
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