Obit: My mother

Subject: Obit: My mother
From: Becca72
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 12:52 PM

My mother passed away yesterday, just a month short of her 73rd birthday. We were never really close and in fact I hadn't really spoken to her for much of the last 5 years or so, but I find I'm still in a rather strange place today. I'm not sure how upset I am, but I feel like I should be more so. What an odd mix of emotions this has created.

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: Zany Mouse
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 12:56 PM

I'm truly sorry to hear that. You will be feeling all sorts of stuff, including guilt. All I can say is, it will pass. There is nothing anyone can say that will ease things for you but you'll find all the Catters are here to listen and we all have very broad shoulders.

Positive thoughts on their way.

Rhiannon

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: Alec
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 01:01 PM

I know what it is to have a mother gone too soon.
Deepest sympathies.

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 01:02 PM

It's OK to not be distraught Becca, I had a similar experience regarding my Mom. Life for you will go on and occasionally you will think of her.
Giok

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: Alba
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 01:04 PM

Och Becca.
I am sad to hear of your Mother's passing
Once the shock passes you may be better able to process your feelings.
All sorts of emotions come up, well they did for me when my Mother passed.
As Rhiannon said, we are here for you.I send you nothing but Postive thoughts and Love ma Dear.
{{Hugs}}

Jude

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: skipy
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 01:04 PM

Giok, is correct,
Skipy

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: Scooby Doo
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 01:07 PM

I lost my mother in 1990 she was aged 60,I was 28.I will never forgive her for dieing when i was so young,i had so many questions to ask her about my pass.
I still get angry,why her etc etc.


Scooby

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: GUEST,M.Ted
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 01:07 PM

My brother passed away this last Tuesday, after surgery--I have not been close to him for a long time, partly because I live a long distance away from the rest of my family, and partly because he lived in a personal kind of isolation--

I have come back home, and much of the time, I find myself in the same place that you are. I feel great pain for my parents, who saw him everyday(though he kept aloof from them, as well) and my invalid grandmother(who he lived with)and find that I have isolated moments of crying, a lot of regret about our relationship, and sadness about the kind of life he led.

Will you be involved in making the "final arranagements"?

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: Jim Lad
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 01:12 PM

God Bless, Becca. I'm sorry for your loss.
Deepest Sympathy
Jim

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: GUEST,M.Ted
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 01:12 PM

I forgot to extend my sympathy--both for her passing, and for all the things you must reconcile.

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: Becca72
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 01:14 PM

MTed,
My 2 older sisters are handling making all of the arrangements. They had a much different relationship with my mother over the last couple of years than I did. I will participate in the services because I feel like I should (even though one of my sisters had told me she'd understand if I didn't want to).
I've been very angry with my mother for the way she treated us growing up. And it's been my "issue" for a long time. I know that no one can change the way I feel but me, and up until now I haven't been ready to forgive her for a lot of things. Maybe this is the jolt I needed to do that...I don't know.

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: jimlad9
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 01:26 PM

Becca

I am so sorry to hear of your loss but I agree it is the perfect opportunity to draw a line under your differences with your mum.
I know from personal experience the damage that holding a grudge causes. My mum 92 years old and her sister 85 years old still hold a grudge against each other for something that
happened in 1947. It has affected all the members of two families and we hope that they can resolve the problem before it is too late.

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: wysiwyg
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 01:57 PM

It's OK to feel without knowing what you feel. Just let it unfold over the coming days as you feel and re-evaluate whatever comes up. Your inner wisdom will sort it all out periodically.

So-- I won't say "condolences," as that may not be what you need-- but just a thought of blessing toward your passage through it.

~Susan

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: Zany Mouse
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 02:28 PM

Becca

I had a similar problem with my mother. I actually hated her for the way she treated me when I was a child. Sadly, that only acts to feed the guilt. ONLY time will allow you to let go. I'm still working on it!

Rhiannon

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: Jean(eanjay)
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 02:30 PM

Death is a strange thing and we don't always react to it the way we feel we should. There isn't a right or wrong way and you are bound to have an odd mix of emotions. You won't forget her and that is what matters.

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 02:31 PM

I'm sorry to read about this--her death will affect those directly related and those previously related. Condolences to all.

I have an estranged brother, and the relationship begs the same question this post raises, how will I feel if I learn of his passing? I find I cross my fingers sometimes when I click on a story of some violent act in my hometown newspaper, hoping that he wasn't the perpetrator. Would I travel to his funeral? I'm sure I would, because it would be an opportunity to see the rest of the family. Would he attend my funeral? Hard to guess, but I hope not because he'd probably be disruptive.

SRS

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: Alba
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 02:38 PM

If it helps any Becca I too carried a bag around for Years filled to the brim with weighty resentments regarding my Mother.
When she passed over I carried on lugging that bag around with me for quite some time until one day I decided to look inside and....the bag was empty.
Maybe with time.....
Love and Light
Jude

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: Cruiser
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 02:40 PM

Rifts between non-relatives are sometimes understandable. Unresolved lifelong rifts between close blood relatives are very difficult to understand and are more common than expected; another one of the many conundrums in life.

My stepfather died last summer and even though my Mother loved him, I had no emotion, good or bad, for the man.

I do not think your thoughts regarding your late mother should cause you to doubt or question your own compassion, whatsoever.

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: Ebbie
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 04:11 PM

I had four brothers, three of whom were great. The other one was a bully, negative, hurtful, often venomous. Early on, we learned how to push each other's buttons, and eventually there came 10 year periods where I didn't speak to him.

A few years ago at New Year's I wrote him a short letter saying that I didn't want to enter another year without forgiveness. I told him that I forgive him and asked for his.

He wrote back: "Gladly. Hope you can do the same."

Frankly I had not forgiven him at that point but I had at long last found myself willing to forgive. That made all the difference. My healing started right then and there.

I saw him periodically over the next few years. We never discussed anything personal but I once taught him a little computer, and we shot a little pool together and we made music together. We were OK. It was good enough.

He died last year. I didn't go to Oregon to his funeral; as I told our sister we had no unfinished business.

As M.Ted said above, what I grieved was mostly the many lost opportunities that man had, and the recognition that we don't get that time back. There are no do-overs.

Becca, I have heard of people sitting in front of an empty chair that represents the departed person and telling her or him one's feelings. And make time to listen to any answers.

{{{{Becca}}}}

Eb

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: GUEST,Dani
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 04:20 PM

Becca, I am sorry for your loss, and for you. Those confusing emotions are their own kind of grief and trial.

I had a very troubled relationship with my mother. After many years apart, when she became ill she moved nearby, and we were able to find a new way of being together that allowed her to be a close and good grandmother to my girls for a while before she died: a gift to all of them, which I observed from the outside.

Her death was so complicated for me. I grieved for the person I knew, the life I wish she'd been able to have, and for the mother I WISHED I'd had, but simply didn't.

I wish you peace. Keep talking ; ) Here, there, wherever, but especially with the people who knew her and loved her as they could, in their own ways. It will help you make sense of it all, and you will be a wiser and happier person for it.

Dani

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: Bainbo
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 04:28 PM

Like eanjay said, Becca, whatever it is that you feel - it's the right thing. There aren't any rules.

I lost my mum 5½ years ago and my dad a year ago and reacted in different ways each time. I lived a long way from them, and although I spoke to them regularly, I didn't see them every day so it didn't somehow seem to be so much of a jolt when they weren't there.

It'll be hard to see this at the moment, but there's some good can come out of everything. If, as a result of this, your relationship with your sisters is strengthened, then - however you felt about each other - she'd be pleased.

You could keep her picture around, maybe with some fresh flowers by it. If she still has a presence, it'll be with people who remember her.

I know a lot of this sounds glib and trite now, but you may view it differently with time. And remember you're not alone. Condolences.

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: Bee
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 05:33 PM

Sorry for your loss, Becca.

A lot of good voices-of-experience have spoken already. I'll reiterate that what you feel or don't feel now will likely change with time. You'll forgive her when the time is right for you, and don't be surprised if it takes several years - it did for me in the past, though it wasn't a parent. When you do forgive her, you'll feel a weight has lifted.

Bainbo mentioned the possibility of your relationship with your sisters strengthening, and I second that. They may, if you have enough good conversation with them over the next while, be able to help you understand your feelings, and you may help them as well.

Take care of yourself. - Bee

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: JudyB
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 05:38 PM

My thoughts are with you, and I hope you find what you need as you need it.

Hugs,
JudyB

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: jacqui.c
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 06:13 PM

Becca - as we discussed last week, give yourself permission to have negative thoughts about your mother. Hopefully. if you can do that you can get past any feelings of guilt that you now have and move on. You know we are here if you need to talk and that we both care about you deeply.

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: Mooh
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 06:26 PM

Our hopes and prayers, and look after yourself at this time.

Peace, Mooh.

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: Jeri
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 06:54 PM

No one can change the past, and you can't control how you feel now. Just let it all be, and stay close to people who understand you and love you.

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: Amos
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 07:13 PM

Hey, Becca:

Keep breathing and let yourself resettle. Old resentments are funny things, when their target vanishes. The only unusual advice I would add is to feel free to send thoughts to her, especially ones that will resolve the resentment, if you feel like doing so, regardless of her passing. No telling if they will reach her, but they will reach you.

Warmest regards,

Amos

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: dianavan
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 07:13 PM

Becca - I'm sorry to hear the news of your mother's death. Seems that many of us have unresolved issues with family members. I, too, wonder how I will feel when my mother dies. Although she didn't give me what I needed emotionally; when learning about her past, I couldn't expect much more and I forgave her. Its not too late, Becca. Even if you cry for all the words left unsaid, you can still forgive her in your heart. For your own sake, let her go in peace.

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: kendall
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 07:40 PM

And remember, I am here, and so is Jacqui for WHATEVER you need or want.

(((((((Becca)))))))))

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: Ebbie
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 09:50 PM

Wow. Becca, you have a thick blanket indeed. You are a fortunate person to have inspired such love and support.

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: SINSULL
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 10:08 PM

At least, Becca, you can see that you are not alone. I too had an angry relationship with my mother. She died suddenly and at least we spoke on the morning before she died. But I have not yet forgiven her for taking away my childhood.

I wonder what my son will say of me when I die.

This I will give Lois this - she raised some truly wise and wonderful children.

Mary

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: GUEST,Becca's SS
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 10:13 PM

Dear Becca, losing a family member is never easy no matter what the dymanics may be. The important thing for you now is acceptance and forgiveness. Accept her and forgive her because you haven't walked in her shoes. But you must also accept your own feelings as real and forgive yourself for any lingering resentments.. then move on in peace. My prayers will be with you.

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: Charley Noble
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 10:45 PM

Sometimes our relations with our parents are irreconcilable. I've been very lucky but a close friend had a mother who was never satisfied, and was viprous to her final breath. Death is final but reconciling your relationship to the person that died may take longer, and take all the time you need, or as little as you need, to figure that out.

Charley Noble

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 10:52 PM

Big hugs... that's all. No judging, no anecdotes, no pseudo psych pstuph...

Just hugs.

LTS

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: ranger1
Date: 03 Feb 07 - 10:53 PM

Hugs, Becca.

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: Janie
Date: 04 Feb 07 - 12:16 AM

My you, and she, know peace.

Blessings.

Janie

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: Partridge
Date: 04 Feb 07 - 04:58 AM

Thinking of you Becca, go with the flow just now. If you feel up to it write a letter to her with all your unresolved emotions. Keep in around for a while,add to it if you need to, and when your ready to let go - burn it.
Life can be a hard lesson for some.
You are not alone, there are lots of friends here who will gladly offer a shoulder or an ear or both.

Take care,
love
Pat x

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: gnu
Date: 04 Feb 07 - 06:08 AM

What Liz said... thoughts and prayers.

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: jimlad9
Date: 04 Feb 07 - 06:24 AM

Becca
Please add me to the growing,(Oh boy is it growing) list of friends who want to metaphorically hold your hand at this saddest of times in your life.

L&LOL

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: kendall
Date: 04 Feb 07 - 12:39 PM

Becca72's Mother was, of course, my ex wife. She died on my old supervisor's birthday, and she hated him. Is that ironic?

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: maeve
Date: 04 Feb 07 - 04:35 PM

Becca,

I'm so greatful you have so many loving hearts around you. It takes time. Hugs from me, as well.

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: Pistachio
Date: 04 Feb 07 - 04:51 PM

Condolences to you.
You'll always have mudcatters to turn to. There have been so many thoughtful messages sent above - I hope you find release and peace.
There are so many people who don't get along for their own real reasons. Time will take the pain away and equally grief may come up and hit you hard one day. Take care of yourself.
Hazel.

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: kendall
Date: 04 Feb 07 - 05:00 PM

Well sweetheart, you sure have made a lot of friends in the short time you have been here. That pleases me.

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: fat B****rd
Date: 05 Feb 07 - 12:02 PM

Best regards from Charlie.

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: Becca72
Date: 05 Feb 07 - 04:15 PM

Thanks all. Seeing that other people have been/are in the same boat as I am is a real help. It's nice to know that I'm not a horrible person for feeling my feelings (it can sometimes seem that way).
I appreciate all of the kind words and thoughts.

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: kendall
Date: 05 Feb 07 - 07:37 PM

Listen my precious daughter, You are not responsible for your thoughts or feelings. You ARE responsible for your actions.

If we were responsible for our feelings, we would never get involved with the wrong person. Would we?

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: Linda Goodman Zebooker
Date: 06 Feb 07 - 06:56 AM

I felt pretty intimidated by my mother, and I attribute some of my inadequacies to how she related to me, but we really liked and enjoyed together a lot of the same things, and I admired her as a person. I never really miss her, but I wish I could ask her questions sometimes. When I do something important and family related, I wear a copper pinecone pin she used to wear, so I have a feeling of her being there also. So I feel guilty for not having more loving feelings, but am happy I can sometimes honor the person who is so much a part of me.

Your feelings will probably fluctuate, and that's ok!

Hugs to you,
Linda

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: jacqui.c
Date: 06 Feb 07 - 08:41 AM

Becca - everyone has a 'dark side' but many people just don't want to face it. In a perfect world, with perfect people we'd all be bored to tears!

Just remember, you have a wicked stepmother who takes great delight in your company.

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: GUEST,ib48
Date: 06 Feb 07 - 12:39 PM

God bless,thinking of you at this sad time

Subject: RE: Obit: My mother
From: Ebbie
Date: 06 Feb 07 - 12:49 PM

Your remark reminds me, Jacqui- when my daughter and her cousin, were 7 or so, they started fighting. As usual I set them at my knee and forcefully explained why the behavior was unacceptable and must not happen again.

A great tear splashing down her cheek, my niece gulped, You sound just like a wicked stepmother.

Becca, thank you for warming our day. There is a lot of grief in the world but also a lot of beauty. Love and friendship is beauty.