Lyr Add: My Grandfather's Ferret

Subject: Lyr Add: MY GRANDFATHER'S FERRET
From: Morticia
Date: 21 Feb 02 - 08:30 AM

For Vectis and others that asked for the words:

My Grandfather's Ferret
by Derek Jolly ( or so I've been told)

My Grandfather's ferret, was a beast of little merit
What lived out the back in a cage
If you peered thru the bars you'd see eyes like little stars
All a-glimmer with impotent rage
Oh, the smell it gave off made you splutter gasp and cough
And its habits were exceedingly gross
And it bit off anything it could reach
If you stood too close

Now when that ferret needed feeding
Someone always came in bleeding
Or looking just as white as a sheet
If you opened up the doors, it was all out bloody war
And that ferret was dead fast on its feet
It could go for your throat thru two mufflers and a coat
Or it would savage a finger or two
Then it would sit back, with a self-satisfied smirk
Like Wellington, after Waterloo

Now one day my auntie May went to feed the thing some hay
By poking it in thru the wire
But thinking that meat would be more up its street
And with a speed that you had to admire
Clamped his teeth around her digit and went absolutely rigid
Auntie May nearly went out of her mind
Then the daft cow opened up the door
To try and attack it from behind

Now when that ferret saw that she'd opened up the door
It was out and upon her in a flash
With a scream of success it went streaking up her dress
Auntie May wished she'd never been so rash
With his nasty little teeth, he bit her underneath
In between, round behind and at the back
And my aunt May never smiled again.......

And neither did my uncle Jack!

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: My Grandfather's Ferret
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 21 Feb 02 - 09:13 AM

Great song. Or monologue - I'm not sure it doesn't work as well largely spoken. Here is an earlier thread about it, with slightly different words. And I've got a slightly different version again, adjusted by me largely because of memory loss. (That's the folk process.):

My Grandfathers ferret,
was a beast of little merit
and it lived out the back in a cage
If you peered through the bars
you'd see eyes like little stars
a-glittering with mmalevolene and rage
It had a smell that it gave off
made you splutter gasp and cough
And some habits quite exceedingly gross.
And it bit... off... anything it could chew
If you came... too... close.

Now when that ferret needed feeding
Someone always came in bleeding
Or looking as pale as a sheet
When you opened up the door,
it was all out bloody war
Oh that ferret he was fast on his feet
He could go for your throat
through two mufflers and a coat
or maybe he would head for down below.
Then he would sit... back...
and give his lips a smack
Like Mike Tyson, when he's struck the winning blow.

One day my auntie May
thought she'd give the little pet some hay
And she poked it oh-so-carefully through the wire
But that ferret thought that meat
would be much more of a treat,
And with alacrity you couldn't but admire
He clamped his teeth upon her digit
and went absolutely rigid
Pooe old Auntie May she thought she'd lose her mind
Then Oh Lor',
she opened up the door
To grab the little bugger from behind.

When that ferret saw
that she had opened up the door
He was out and he was at her in a flash
And a-shrieking with success
he went a-streaking up her dress
And Auntie wished she hadn't been so rash
With his nasty little teeth,
he bit her underneath
up the middle, round the side and up the back
And my aunt May never smiled again...

And neither did my poor old Uncle Jack.

So to conclude my friend,
I am coming to the end
of this story - and this is the final verse.
Take care and do not linger,
or the ferret'll have your finger.
Or indeed perhaps, it might be something worse.
And the moral of this song,
and it won't take very long,
and I'll tell it to you right now, if you wish.
If a pet you desire
Far better you aspire
to attach your affections to a fish.

(But preferably not a piranha...)

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: My Grandfather's Ferret
From: Herga Kitty
Date: 21 Feb 02 - 05:42 PM

Now, this brings back memories of Dog Days a couple of years ago. I think it was Micca who sang it, but it might have been LtS.

I was interested to see the reference to Stanley Holloway on the previous thread, since various Albert threads are popping up at the moment.

Ferrets are back in the Archers too.

Kitty

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: My Grandfather's Ferret
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 21 Feb 02 - 05:45 PM

Jeffrey Ferret?

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: My Grandfather's Ferret
From: Morticia
Date: 21 Feb 02 - 06:38 PM

Kitty, I think it must have been me, as neither Micca nor Liz do this one....I'm the short,blonde one without a beard or a bratling *BG*.

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: My Grandfather's Ferret
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 21 Feb 02 - 08:30 PM

And I've never been to Dog Days but have done it on occasion (when you weren't there Morty...)

LTS

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: My Grandfather's Ferret
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 22 Feb 02 - 06:16 PM

Dog Days?