BS: Funny witticisms

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Joe_F
Date: 24 Dec 23 - 05:29 PM

The first mate wrote in the ship's log: "The captain was drunk this morning." The captain made it clear that that would not do, so the mate crossed out "drunk", wrote in "sober", and initialed the change.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: BobL
Date: 24 Dec 23 - 05:22 PM

Whatever lights your tree....

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: The Sandman
Date: 24 Dec 23 - 04:57 PM

but old father christmas has to work with both

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Dec 23 - 04:27 PM

I use that one a lot, especially when precocious little brats are interviewed on the telly, especially the little smarties in school uniform. Buttock-clenching in the extreme. Give me animals any day.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: The Sandman
Date: 24 Dec 23 - 03:03 PM

Never work with animals or children.
W. C. Fields

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Dec 23 - 09:47 AM

Well I wanted the thread to be more amusing than not. Some witticisms are simply unfunny, so I reject that criticism!

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 24 Dec 23 - 09:42 AM

But probably not as redundant as "witty witticisms".

"It's no fun to drink alone, until you've had two or three".

Martin Mull (or was it him, who the hell knows)

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Severn
Date: 23 Dec 23 - 11:25 PM

Isn't "funny witticisms" overly redundant?

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Paul Reade
Date: 21 Dec 23 - 06:46 AM

My favourite parliamentary one:-

Dennis Skinner MP: “Half the Tory members opposite are crooks”

Mr Speaker: “The honourable member MUST withdraw that remark”

Skinner: “OK, half the Tories are NOT crooks”

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 21 Dec 23 - 05:40 AM

What about sham poo?

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Dec 23 - 07:14 PM

But I like the sham pain one.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Geoff Wallis
Date: 20 Dec 23 - 01:02 PM

For the record, Tom Waits was not the originator of either of the above aphorisms.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: G-Force
Date: 20 Dec 23 - 09:40 AM

Another from Mr. Waits: Champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 20 Dec 23 - 07:58 AM

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.- Tom Waits

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Dec 23 - 06:59 AM

Speaking of George Melly, he's alleged to have said, having discovered that he'd become impotent, "It's wonderful, like being unchained from a lunatic."

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 20 Dec 23 - 06:45 AM

.... jazz guitarist Jim Hall ....

When I first heard it, it was Chet Atkins.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 20 Dec 23 - 06:27 AM

After playing a set, jazz guitarist Jim Hall was approached by a fan who said "Your guitar sounded fabulous". Hall looked at the instrument on it's stand and responded "how does it sound now?".

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: G-Force
Date: 20 Dec 23 - 06:07 AM

A couple of musicians' one-liners:

George Melly, while being driven past the rather splendid art-deco Hoover factory in north-west London: 'All that, just to suck up shit!'.

Ronnie Hawkins, when asked by Robbie Robertson how much he'd get paid if he joined the Hawks: 'You won't get much money, but you'll get more pussy than Frank Sinatra'.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Dec 23 - 07:59 PM

Either you like bacon or you're wrong (another t-shirt).

Just been watching a programme about Billy Connolly. On stage, he was saying that Frank Ifield had turned to punk and had written a song called "I Remember You, You Bastard."

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: meself
Date: 18 Dec 23 - 03:38 PM

I don't know if this one was widespread or not; my apologies if everyone is familiar with it .... Anyway, for awhile you would see here and there someone wearing a tee-shirt displaying the statement, "I'm with Stupid", and an arrow pointing to one side. Then one day, I saw a woman with a tee-shirt that said, "I'm not with Stupid anymore."

What? Well, I thought it was funny!

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Dec 23 - 01:24 PM

I'm not arguing. I'm just explaining why I'm right. (on a t-shirt)

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 18 Dec 23 - 01:09 PM

Did you take a wrong turn, how did that facebook link wind up in this funny witticism thread?

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Dec 23 - 06:34 AM

Ancient blues jazz and metal music

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Dec 23 - 05:47 AM

I'm not quite sure what being "not good at music" means. The only exception being the ownership of a bodhran, of course.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 18 Dec 23 - 05:04 AM

If I had to spend eternity in Heaven without being able to make music just for the love of it, that would be Hell for me.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: The Sandman
Date: 18 Dec 23 - 05:03 AM

1. does hell exist?.
2, is life on earth hell?
3. Shaw is confusing being not paid for playing music with being not good, which is of course a generalisation,and is sometimes incorrect, but occasionally correct

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Dec 23 - 04:53 AM

So are singarounds, pub sessions and music festivals. If GBS was here today I think we'd be asking him to explain himself. No relation, by the way.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: The Sandman
Date: 17 Dec 23 - 03:17 PM

Hell is full of musical amateurs, George Bernard Shaw

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: The Sandman
Date: 17 Dec 23 - 03:29 AM

Mark Twain used to joke that "golf is a good walk spoiled."

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Dec 23 - 08:16 PM

“To be is to do”—Socrates.
“To do is to be”— Sartre.
"To be or not to be"—Shakespeare.
“Do be do be do”—Sinatra.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Dec 23 - 06:42 PM

Buy a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for the day. Throw a man out of a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 14 Dec 23 - 04:13 PM

Here's one that's kind of blue (not the Miles Davis kind)-

I had just met a South African fellow at work and we decided to go out for a drink after and he asked me "How do you hold your liquor?" to which I responded "By the ears".

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 14 Dec 23 - 03:45 PM

Back in my working days I was performing some task with one of the guys, Pancho, and started singing "Doobie, doobie do" and knowing he was a stoner I asked him if he thought Old Blue Eyes was advocating marijuana use to which he replied, "Well, he didn't say 'Doobie, doobie don't'".

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 14 Dec 23 - 03:09 PM

With magic, you can turn a frog into a prince.

With science, you can turn a frog into a PhD, and still have the frog afterwards.

                     -- badly remembered from Science of Discworld

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Dec 23 - 12:40 PM

One man's fish is another man's poisson.

Give a man a bucket of coal and you'll keep him warm for the night. Set a man on fire and you'll keep him warm for the rest of his life.

You can take a horse to water but you can't make him fish.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 10 Dec 23 - 09:55 AM

Here's another one that seems apt-

E.B. White compared the analysis of humor to dissecting a frog and concluded, "While it is possible the frog usually dies in the process."

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 10 Dec 23 - 09:25 AM

Your correction made no sense. The joke is a play on the old expression "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink." "Horticulture" was just used as a set up and has no comic value the way you use it. One more time, research the actual remark.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 10 Dec 23 - 09:14 AM

I didn't post the horticulture one, Steve. I merely corrected it.

But yes, witty. Why not?

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 09 Dec 23 - 02:52 PM

Going to sea is like going to prison with the added prospect of drowning.- Mark Twain

I'm not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.- Woody Allen (or maybe Groucho)

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: meself
Date: 09 Dec 23 - 02:49 PM

Or: ... husband ... bet ... "You lose."

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 09 Dec 23 - 10:35 AM

The Coolidge quote was (as I heard it) a rather bubbly young lass at a party saying: "My father's said that if I can get you to say three words, he'll give me a fur coat."

Coolidge: "Papa wins."

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: robomatic
Date: 07 Dec 23 - 10:13 PM

I worked for an engineering company with a client named Alaska Pumptech.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - _:

"What's the difference between working for Alaska PT and working for Satan?"

"Satan knows what he wants!"

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: BobL
Date: 07 Dec 23 - 06:54 PM

Better to look a fool with an umbrella on a dry day than a fool without an umbrella on a wet day.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

A reputation for chastity is necessary to a woman. Chastity itself is also sometimes useful.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 07 Dec 23 - 12:33 PM

The secret of being a good actor is honesty. If you can fake that you've got it made.

George Burns

If the world were a logical place, men would ride side saddle.

Rita Mae Brown

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Dec 23 - 10:13 AM

A choice selection of Dubya quotes:

"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."

"They misunderestimated me."

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Thompson
Date: 07 Dec 23 - 03:17 AM

John Philpott Curran describing Robert Peel: "His smile is like the brass plate on a coffin."

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Dec 23 - 08:32 PM

Apropos of the French, Dubya didn't say "The problem with the French is that they have no word for entrepreneur," but I wish he had...

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: meself
Date: 06 Dec 23 - 08:14 PM

Teddy Roosevelt was, apparently, given to 'speaking at length' ....

At the time of some kerfuffle between US and France, a French diplomat went to meet with Roosevelt, and was in his office for a couple of hours. When he emerged, a reporter asked, "What did you tell Mr Roosevelt?" The diplomat replied: "My name."

Roosevelt's daughter was quoted as saying, "My father wanted to be the bride at every wedding, the dead man at every funeral, and the baby at every christening."

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Dec 23 - 07:36 PM

But you think that the horticulture one's witty. Oh dear...

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 06 Dec 23 - 06:45 PM

But then, it wouldn't have been witty. It would merely be rude.