BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 11 Apr 08 - 05:17 AM

Dog owners: when walk your dog and it keeps stopping at the same place to sniff it's just reading its wee-mails.

RtS
(I'll get me lead)

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Apr 08 - 08:24 AM

"New Word Definitions"

Found posted in the Physical Planning Office
at the Indiana University of Pennsylvania.

*Contractor -* A gambler who never gets to shuffle,
cut or deal.

*Low Bidder -* A contractor who is wondering what
he left out.

*Project Manager -* The conductor of an orchestra
in which every musician is in a different union.

*Critical Path Method -* A management technique
for losing your shirt under perfect control.

*OSHA -* A protective coating made by half-baking
a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs and
baloney--usually applied at random with a shotgun.

*Strike -* An effort to increase egg production by
strangling the chicken.

*Completion Date -* The point at which liquidated
damages begin.

*Liquidated Damages -* A penalty for failing to
achieve the impossible.

*Auditor -* Person who goes in after the war is lost
and bayonets the wounded.

*Lawyer -* Person who goes in after the auditors
to strip the bodies.

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Apr 08 - 06:34 PM

"College Zoology"

A young college student had stayed up all night
studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered
the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on
them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs
were showing.

The student sat straight in the front row because he
wanted to do the best job possible. The professor
announced that the test would be to look at each of the
birds' legs and give the common name, habitat, genus
and species.

The student looked at each of the birds' legs. They all
looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had
stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds
by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder
he got. Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up
to the professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test!
How could anyone tell the difference between birds
by looking at their legs?"

With that the student threw his test on the professor's
desk and walked to the door. The professor was surprised.
The class was so big that he didn't know every student's
name so as the student reached the door the professor
called, "Mister, what's your name?"

The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and
said, "You tell me, buddy! You tell me!"

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: wlisk
Date: 06 Apr 08 - 05:00 PM

MI SSING HUSBAND


Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him 'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!'

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife ran out to the driveway.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bill D
Date: 05 Apr 08 - 06:17 PM

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a Handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."

The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.'

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bill D
Date: 05 Apr 08 - 06:14 PM

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the EMT asked Kathleen, a 5-yr old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 5-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack him again!"

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 05 Apr 08 - 04:32 PM

How many coutry-and-Western singers does it take to change a light-bulb?

Two. One to change to the new bulb, the other to sing about the old one.


   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Apr 08 - 03:17 PM

Here are the "Best Divorce Letter" and the "Best Response Thereto".

"Best Divorce letter"

Dear wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving
you. I've been a good man to you for 7 years and
I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks
have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that
you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice
I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal
and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You
ate in 2 minutes, and went straight to sleep after
watching all of your soaps.

You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't
want sex or anything that connects us as husband
and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't
love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are
moving away to West Virginia together! Have
a great life!

and then the
"Best Response to a Divorce Letter"

Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your
letter. It's true you and I have been married for 7
years, although a good man is a far cry from what
you've been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown
out your constant whining and griping. Too bad
that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week,
but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You
look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me
not to say anything if you can't say something
nice, I didn't comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you
must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER,
because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from
you because the $49.99 price tag was still on
them, and I prayed it was a coincidence that
my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that
morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could
work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million
dollars, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to
Jamaica.

But when I got home you were gone. Everything
happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have
the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer
said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't
get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell And Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my
sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not
a problem.

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 03 Apr 08 - 01:54 AM

Ythanside, quite right, Ta.


   He. Would you go to bed with me for a million pounds.
   She. Why,er, yes.
   he. Would you go to bed with me for one pound.
   She. Certainly not, what kind of woman do you think I am?
   he. We've already established what kind of woman you are.
       Now we're just haggling over the price.


    Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Apr 08 - 09:03 AM

"Accident"

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin'
to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome,
Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. "There
was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, Lord no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and
gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen,
Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness
Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.
Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times
to pee!"

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 01 Apr 08 - 08:39 PM

The other day I found 2 scrap pieces of wood on the footpath - both 2x2

In the words of the old song...

2 b 2b2

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Alan Day
Date: 01 Apr 08 - 05:52 PM

A pheasant died of natural causes and his mates through him under a car
because that's what he would have wanted.
Al

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 01 Apr 08 - 08:42 AM

Love it love it

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 01 Apr 08 - 08:39 AM

The Three Little Pigs


Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.

'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.



The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.

'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.



The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.


'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'?

But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'?





You're gonna LOVE me for this....






The third piggy says -



'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Desert Dancer
Date: 31 Mar 08 - 05:23 PM

From Phil Cunningham or Aly Bain on Prairie Home Companion this past weekend (help me before I cite again!):

Did you hear about the man who thought he was a moth?

He went to see a doctor.

The doctor said he couldn't help him, he really should see a psychiatrist.

Says the man, "Well, actually, I was on my way to the psychiatrist, but then I saw your light on..."


~ Becky in Tucson

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Ythanside
Date: 31 Mar 08 - 01:38 PM

Hey, Autolycus, Dorothy Parker's favourite phrase was 'cheque enclosed.'

Apologies for the pedantic response, but if every promised cheque that I have waited for actually was in the post I should be a rich and happy man today. As it is I just make do with being happy.
Cheers,
Ythanside
:-D)

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 30 Mar 08 - 07:27 PM

"Homeless"

A man was walking down the street when he was
accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking
homeless man who asked him for a couple of
dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars
and asked, "If I give you this money, are you going to buy
some beer with it instead?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the homeless
man said.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?"
the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need
everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on green fees at a golf
course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't
played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you two
dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a
terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded, "Won't your
wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm
dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "Hey, man, that's okay! I just want
her to see what a man looks like who's given up
beer, gambling, and golf!"

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 30 Mar 08 - 04:36 PM

Lookshery. When i were a lad, we didn't have Christmas. being Jewish might ha' been connected. So I just lay there wondering why i wasn't at school. :-)


Not - um - really.

    Talking of poverty,
   
    There were two brothers. One got rich, the other poor.

   The poor one used to complain his rich brother ignored him.

One day, the rich one died. The poor brother turned up for the will-reading.

The lawyer said there was 50k for this and 100k for that, and 200k for the other. he ended the recital with,

"And to my nrother, who says I've always ignored him,



   hi."





   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Peace
Date: 29 Mar 08 - 06:34 PM

We were so poor that if you didn't wake up with an erection on Christmas day ya just had nothing to play with.

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 29 Mar 08 - 06:01 PM

We were a very poor family..autolycus...and my mother used to send me to the butchers to buy a 'sheeps head'...she told me to ask for the head and tell the butcher to cut it as near to its a..e as possible....and to leave the eyes in..to see us through the week.

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 29 Mar 08 - 03:58 PM

Peace, where do you want the cheque (check) sent?


Dorothy Parker's favourite phrase = cheque's in the post

Les. Happy to agree to differ.

   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 29 Mar 08 - 03:43 PM

"Role Play"

Mary was married to a male chauvinist. They both
worked full time, but he never did anything around
the house and certainly not any housework. That,
he declared, was woman's work.

But one evening Mary arrived home from work to
find the children bathed, a load of wash in the
washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner
on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete
with flowers.

She was astonished, and she immediately wanted
to know what was going on. It turned out that Charley,
her husband, had read a magazine article that
suggested working wives would be more romantically
inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all
the housework in addition to holding down a full-time
job.

The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her friends in
the office.

"How did it work out?" they asked.

"Well, it was a great dinner," Mary said. "Charley even
cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework,
folded the laundry and put everything away."

"But what about afterward?" her friends wanted
to know.

"It didn't work out," Mary said. "Charley was too
tired."

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 29 Mar 08 - 03:33 PM

I chortle relentlessly and have much enjoyed Manchester's Comedy Store and Les Baker. Much great humour and I don't think anyone suffers except through the laugh ache!

Cheers

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Peace
Date: 29 Mar 08 - 03:15 PM

"THAT'S the defence of humour against accusations of insult."

What a wonderful, incisive statement.

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 Mar 08 - 03:10 PM

So, Les, are you chortlin'?

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 29 Mar 08 - 01:59 PM

Les, don't plays on words laugh at people who can't do them, understand them, or generally finds word-handling problematic?

I don't think so

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 Mar 08 - 01:35 PM

LOL!

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 29 Mar 08 - 09:49 AM

Les, don't plays on words laugh at people who can't do them, understand them, or generally finds word-handling problematic?

And jokes themselves are an insult to people with no sense of humour.

Gold!

THAT'S the defence of humour against accusations of insult.


In any case,


After the train accident in France, one survivor was asked what he thought the reason for the accident was.

he replied, Too loose le treck.


a pun that insults French rail, the esteemed work of Toulouse Lautrec, the lovers of same, the proponents of proper speech - I mean that's getting on for nearly everyone.



   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 29 Mar 08 - 09:36 AM

High Blood Pressure

When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, the patient said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family."

"Your mother's side or your father's?" the doctor asked.

"Neither", the patient replied. "It's from my wife's family."

"Oh, come now", the doctor said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"

He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 29 Mar 08 - 06:24 AM

Isn't it a play on words that offends nobody?

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 29 Mar 08 - 04:42 AM

Then there was the housewife who bought some sheep's eyes at the butchers to see her through the week.


presumably that's insulting to all carnivore housewives.

P'raps every joke should be preceded by a warning about who the joke's insulting. :-)

Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 28 Mar 08 - 08:01 PM

Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,Thank you George,

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 28 Mar 08 - 07:22 PM

Did yez hear aboot the bloke who started a business makin' inflateable dutch footwear?

It wez aall gannin' canny until he popped his clogs!

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 28 Mar 08 - 01:04 PM

Just testing. I have tried to discuss this with rabbits and I have to say they didn't seem offended. But then who am I to judge how they felt?

Quite often people who tell jokes that might be offensive to members of a group never check it out or test if members of that group are in the audience.

I guess I was also showing an ignorance of Darwinian evolution since their never was a time when their were only 2 rabbits.

What has 7 eyes and cannot see?












Three blind mice and half a pigs head

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 28 Mar 08 - 01:01 PM

Um, rabbits aren't rodents...

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Ernest
Date: 28 Mar 08 - 12:33 PM

Les,

don`t you think your joke about rabbits is offensive to rodents?

;0)
Ernest (carefully watching out for inflatable suicide bombers from Ethnicia with long ears now)

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 28 Mar 08 - 12:01 PM

In the end a joke makes us laugh or it doesn't. That's it really. If I don't laugh it doesn't matter at all.

Maybe this is a case of differing cultures.In the UK "Ethnic" usually,but not always, means "Ethnic Minority". In this context the "Ethnic" in the joke is clearly some kind of stupid.

"If this is offensive every joke about Irish, Polish, German, English, French, male, female, senior, junior, gay, straight people, lawyers, doctors, politicians musicians - in other words: about everybody would be offensive."

I guess we all feel that jokes that target any group for some kind of stereotype or just to mock them for some reason is unworthy.

If most of us wouldn't tell anti-semitic jokes at a Jewish party we probably wouldn't tell them anywhere. Of course many groups tell jokes against themselves amongst themselves and that is up to them.

Once upon a time their were 2 rabbits...................









look how many their are now.

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 28 Mar 08 - 08:49 AM

Um, yeah, the reason I *used* "ethnic" is that it doesn't matter whom you tell the joke about, because it isn't an ethnic joke! That's part of the joke! And it's funny, no?

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Ernest
Date: 28 Mar 08 - 08:21 AM

Les,
what you are missing is that you won`t be able to find a country named "Ethnicia" on the globe.

Since it is not directed to any specific ethnicity (everyone is one somewhere) who can claim that it is directed towards him?

If this is offensive every joke about Irish, Polish, German, English, French, male, female, senior, junior, gay, straight people, lawyers, doctors, politicians musicians - in other words: about everybody would be offensive.

Admittedly artificial-persons-designed-to-satisfy-the-carnal-needs- of-people-who-are-attractivity-or-boldnessly-challenged might find the term "fuckdoll" offensive...

;0)
Ernest

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 28 Mar 08 - 05:03 AM

Am I missing something or is this just plain ofensive and should be removed?
"So, the madam looks out the window, and who's heading for the whorehouse but the town's only Ethnic. Now, she knew that none of her girls would want to get with him, so she quickly blows up a fuckdoll and leaves it in a bed in the attic. Sure enough, Ethnic comes in, and while her girls scatter the madam tells him she has a special treat for him, up in the attic room. Up he goes, tromp tromp tromp. About 15 seconds later down he comes, tromp tromp tromp. The madam says, why so quick, wasn't she satisfactory? The ethnic replies, I'm not sure... I took my pants off, got into bed, bit her on the tit and she farted and flew out the window!"

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 27 Mar 08 - 01:09 PM

No strad, I might mark the answers of others, tho   :-)

Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 27 Mar 08 - 12:14 PM

"Fighting Tools"

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking
like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is
in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and
bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little rat, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't
do that to you with his fists, he must have had something in his
hand."

" That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended
yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast,
and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight!"

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,strad
Date: 27 Mar 08 - 07:09 AM

Autolycus, are you going to post the answers - please-?

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 26 Mar 08 - 05:16 PM

Just found this and had to share it.

With someone :-)

i And here's a sort of odd quiz for prospective violists: YOU TOO CAN BE A VIOLA PLAYER WITH THE BBC SYMPATHY ORCHESTRA

Look what we have found. While sifting through the BBC's dustbins the other day we came across this. The pass mark is 10% but be careful, over 45% and you are overqualified. The marks for each question are shown on the right.

ENTRY EXAM FOR THE BBC SYMAPTHY ORCHESTRA---VIOLA PLAYERS

Who wrote the following:-
a) Beethoven's 6th Symphony
b) Faure Requiem
c) Wagner's Ring Cycle [15]
Tchaikovsky wrote 6 symphonies including Symphony no. 4. Name the other five. [5]
Explain 'Counterpoint' or write your name on the reverse of the paper. [10]
Which of the following would *you* tuck under you chin?
a) a timpani
b)an organ
c)a cello
d)a viola [1]
Can you explain `Sonata Form'? Answer yes or no. [5]
Which of the following literary works was made the subject of a Verdi opera?
a) First among Equals -- Jeffrey Archer
b) Macbeth -- William Shakespeare
c) Noddy and Big Ears -- Enid Blyton [5]
Domenico Scarlatti wrote 555 harpsichord sonatas for which instrument? [5]
Arrange the following movements in order of speed, starting with the slowest first.
a) Quickly
b) Slowly
c) Very Quickly
d) At a Moderate Pace. [4]
Where would you normally expect to find the conductor during a performance? [5]
Which of the following wrote incidental music to A Midsummer Night's Dream?
a) Des O'Connor
b) Mickey Mouse
c) Felix Mendelssohn Bartholdy
d) Terry Wogan [5]
Which of the following is the odd one out?
a) Sir Colin Davis
b) Andrew Davis
c) Sir Peter Maxwell Davies
d) Desmond Lynham [5]
Arrange the following words into a well known Puccini opera.
Boheme, La [5]
Within five minutes, how long is Chopin's Minute Waltz? [5]
From which of the following countries did Richard Strauss come?
a) Venezuela
b) Sri Lanka
c) Germany
d) Japan [5]
For what town were Haydn's 'Paris' symphonies written? [5]
Which is the odd one out?
a) Fantasy Overture 'Romeo and Juliet' -- Tchaikovsky
b) 'Romeo and Juliet' -- Berlioz
c) 'Romeo and Juliet' Ballet -- Prokofiev
d) 'Ten Green Bottles' -- anon. [5]
LI>From which song do the following lines come?
'God save our gracious Queen, Long live our Noble Queen.' [5]
Spell the following musical terms: allegro, rallentando, crotchet, pizzicato, intermezzo [5]
Tosca is a character found in which Puccini opera? [5]
Arrange the following letters to form the name of a well known British broadcasting corporation: C, B, B. [5]


   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 26 Mar 08 - 05:09 PM

What do you get if you cross a philosopher with a member of the Mafia?


























you get an offer you can't    understand.


   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Mar 08 - 10:59 AM

"Oneliners

Hummingbirds are nature's way of teaching
humility to cats.

It's easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

The ice cream truck in our neighborhood now
plays rap music.

Hawaii is the only U.S. state to produce coffee.

Money talks, but a credit card uses sign language.

The worst thing about censorship is ******************.

Tolerance is letting other people find happiness
in their own way instead of your way.

Only when the plumbing is stopped up do you
realize that a flush is better than a full house.

If you plan for a decade, plant a tree.
If you plan for a century, teach the children.

You may forget with whom you laughed
but you will never forget with whom you wept.

We can never see ourselves as others see us.
Even the mirror image is backwards.

Speak when you are angry and you will make
the best speech you will ever regret.

The next time someone says to you, "Nothing's
impossible," tell him, "Go dribble a football."

I don't know the key to success but,
the key to failure is to try to please everyone.

You can't take it with you... and with high taxes,
lawyer's fees, and funeral expenses, you can't
leave it behind either.

Speaking of immigrants, how did the California
Governator get a green card? Was there a
shortage of body builders in the early '70s?

I'm going to invest my money in taxes.
It's the only sure thing to go up.

Football isn't a contact sport. It's a collision sport.
Dancing is a contact sport.

Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours."

The world is coming to an end. Insert 25 cents to
continue.

The only thing lazy people do fast is get tired.

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental
illness."

They told me I was gullible . . . and I believed them.

As long as we have each other, we'll never run out
of problems.

Shouldn't the National Guard change its name to the
International Guard?

We wouldn't have to drive defensively if so many of you
weren't driving offensively.

Skydiving's good to the last drop.

Organized crime is alive and well; it's called auto
insurance.

Boldly going nowhere.

I just got back from Orlando, and they need to
rename it Tollando.

One thing about children, they never bore you with
pictures of their parents.

Flattery is the best cure for a stiff neck because
there are few heads it won't turn.

Our highways have become insane asylums
with turn signals.

Ten years from now, many antiques will be made
of plastic.

I'm so old I remember "car phones."

On I-80, the official bird of California is a hand
gesture.

Clutter is my trademark.

Nature abhors a vacuum, even in the heads of
statesmen.

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that
we have to alter it every six months.

Before taking a long trip, fill your tank and empty
your bladder.

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 25 Mar 08 - 10:56 AM

So, the madam looks out the window, and who's heading for the whorehouse but the town's only Ethnic. Now, she knew that none of her girls would want to get with him, so she quickly blows up a fuckdoll and leaves it in a bed in the attic. Sure enough, Ethnic comes in, and while her girls scatter the madam tells him she has a special treat for him, up in the attic room. Up he goes, tromp tromp tromp. About 15 seconds later down he comes, tromp tromp tromp. The madam says, why so quick, wasn't she satisfactory? The ethnic replies, I'm not sure... I took my pants off, got into bed, bit her on the tit and she farted and flew out the window!

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Mar 08 - 07:07 PM

"Telemarketer Tips"

What to say to hucksters (who telephone during dinner or
in the middle of a riveting TV show peddling sides of beef,
municipal bonds, aluminum siding, computer software or
whatever)

1. The police photographer is still here, and the county
medical examiner hasn't released the body to the coroner
yet. Can you call back a little later?

2. You called at the right time, buster. I'll order carloads
of whatever you got just to restore my credit rating.
Those turkeys down at the bank go bananas over one little
bounced check or two.

3. I'm sorry, the taxi is at the door right now. We're heading
off on a 90 day world cruise aboard the Empress of Bermuda.

4. Well, you'll have to send the stuff to my new address.
As of next Wednesday, it'll be care of the warden, maximum
security wing, Attica Correction Facility, Attica, N.Y.

5. What's that you say? Speak up, please, will you?
The battery has run down on my hearing aid. Louder, please,
louder. Is that the best you can do? I'm afraid we're just
not communicating.

6. I'm afraid you have the wrong number. This is a funeral
home or what we like to call a counseling chapel for the
bereaved. Visiting hours are from 2 to 5 and 7 to 10.

7. I'm just house sitting here, buddy. The owners won't be
back for a couple months. You wouldn't have a good deal on
off-brand whiskeys and beer by the case, would you? Maybe a
little grass or snow?

8. Too late pal. As of tomorrow, Uncle Sam will take care of
all my necessities. But you might try my drill instructor
at Camp Pendleton. In other words, tell it to the Marines.

9. I'm gonna have to put you on hold. The baby is due any
minute now. Quick someone, get some hot water. Lots of it.
Sorry, gotta hurry now, don't go away.

10. Oh, it's you again. I was hoping you'd call back.
The better business people said I need more positive
identification to file my complaint. Now first let
me have your name and telephone number.
Hello? Hello?

11. Well, if this ain't the living end. The furniture
is out on the sidewalk; the sheriff's auction is about to
begin and you want to sell me a freezer full of prime beef.
Keep talking. I can dream, can't I?

12. The number you have called is a working number like
you wouldn't believe. Let me make you a counter-proposal.
How about the company of one of our swinging little ladies
for an evening? Our personalized dating service guarantees
satisfaction, and we do take credit cards.

13. Sorry to cut you off like this but Uncle Harry is choking
on something.

14. The furnace just conked out, there's a foot of water in the
basement and I nearly broke my neck on the kid's skate board
getting to the phone. You wouldn't have a special on cyanide,
would you?

15. You better talk to my wife when she gets back from Reno.
This place will be all hers then.

16. The dog just died and I'm so glad to have someone to
talk to...

17. Excuse me, this nice police officer, here, said that I
should inform you that my phone is being tapped. Now,
what kind of drugs did you say you were selling?

18. You have reached the Prosecuting Attorney's office,
if you will hold on a minute, I'm SURE he'd like to
talk to you.

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 24 Mar 08 - 11:52 AM

A Sunday School teacher asks the class: Does anyone know where God lives.

A little girl's hand goes up, Please Miss, God lives in our bathroom. (i.e. not the toilet; the room where you keep the bath.)

Teacher says, Why do you say the bathroom?

Little girl says, Cos every morning my Dad goes to the bathroom door and says,"God, are you still in there?"

   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 24 Mar 08 - 10:56 AM

The last two were excellent,imo.

                WHAT IT IS ALL ABOUT

   A tax-collector's next call was down in a basement place.

   He knocked, all was dark and quiet, but the door gave a little. He entered and saw a tiny bit of light, so he made for it.

   As he walked towards it, he kept hearing a regular "tt!tssss". The light got bigger, the "tt!tssss" got louder.

   he reached a room and found a little old man, hunched over an itoning-board, under a single dim globe, regularly spitting on the iron, which then hissed (as they do)

   The two got talking, an the old man told his story.

   I used to be an explorer (he spits) "tt!tssss". One day, I was striding along in the jungle,"tt!tssss", and suddenly I was faced by a very hungry lion,"tt!tssss", so I turned and ran. But the lion, "tt!tssss", charged after me, "tt!tssss". he caught me, and ate me up "tt!tsss".

   But you're alive, said the tax man.

    "tt!tssss". The old man replied, you call this 'living'?


    Ivor