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BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008! From: GUEST,Observer Date: 24 Mar 08 - 10:42 AM On their fiftieth anniversary, Milo and Madge had dinner with their EIGHT kids and many grandchildren. Finally they were alone and sat on the porch holding hands. "Darling," said Milo, "I've always wondered about something in regard to our children." "What's that, dear?" asked Madge. Milo slowly explained, "Conrad looks different from our other SEVEN kids, and I always have wondered if he had a different father." Madge squeezed his hand tightly and said, "Well, I guess I can tell you now that Conrad did have a different father than the others." After a long pause, Milo said, "Please tell me who his father is." She smiled sweetly and said, "You." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008! From: GUEST,dick greenhaus Date: 24 Mar 08 - 10:09 AM Subject: Don't mess with old dogs! A wealthy old man decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking his faithful, elderly poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the old poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine! Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says... "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard! |
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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 24 Mar 08 - 09:48 AM "Technical Testing" One of Microsoft Network's finest support techs was drafted into the Army and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instructions, handed a rifle, and a few rounds of ammo. He loaded the rifle and fired several shots at the target which was fifty yards away. The report came from the target area that all of his attempts had completely missed the target. The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then once more at the target. He placed his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off -- whereupon he yelled toward the target area... "It's leaving here just fine; the trouble must be at your end!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008! From: autolycus Date: 23 Mar 08 - 05:15 PM Bill, thanks for that. Now I know. I can help with the 'why Liverpool?' bit. Groucho did his prog in the UK. If this is an urban legend, then someone re-worked the story as a British one. Liverpool is a city with a considerable Catholic population. The rest follows according to a familiar stereotype. Ivor |
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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008! From: Big Mick Date: 22 Mar 08 - 08:52 PM I guess I should read the first two threads, but I will take the chance that no one has told these two. An old man looks over the fence and sees the young daughter of his neighbor with a shoebox on the ground, and a shovel. The little girl is crying as she is digging the hole. Fearing the worst, the old man asks her why she is crying and digging the hole. "I am burying my pet parakeet" she sniffed. "I'm so sorry," sez he, "but, why such a big box for a parakeet?". She answers, "Because it's inside your fecking cat." Clancy is having a drink with Seamus. Seamus has this puzzled look on his gob, obviously deep in thought. "What're ye thinking about, Seamus?", sez Clancy. "I was just wonderin', Clancy, if you was out fishing tomorrow, and I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife, and she became with child, would we be related?" Clancy scratches his head, and thinks very hard. Finally he says, "Well, I don't know if we would be related, but we would be even". |
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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008! From: Bill D Date: 22 Mar 08 - 08:35 PM sorry, autolycus, but Snopes says it didn't happen, and how the false story got moved to Liverpool is beyond me! |
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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008! From: autolycus Date: 22 Mar 08 - 03:32 PM Uncle Dave's lastreminds me of when Groucho was doing his You Bet Your Life in the UK. The contestant was a woman from Liverpool. I'm told you have a lot of children. Yes, I've 12 children. Isn't that rather a lot? Well, I like it. I like my cigar, but i take it out of my mouth once in a while. Ivor |
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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008! From: Mrrzy Date: 22 Mar 08 - 01:26 PM I like that. Reminds me of Mom, once asked where her accent came from, answered Eet koms frrom trrying to speek Eenglish! |
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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 22 Mar 08 - 09:40 AM "Customs Inspection" After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me - all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?" "Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh. "They're all mine." The customs agent began his interrogation, "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?" "Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now." The official allowed us to pass without opening a single suitcase. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008! From: Bert Date: 21 Mar 08 - 11:49 AM Tree said "I'm Jealous" Dante says "No you're not, you're Grandma!!!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 21 Mar 08 - 10:17 AM As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember: 1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'. 2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary. 3. The difference between the Pope and your boss: The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring. 4. My mind works like lightning: One brilliant flash and it's gone. 5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. 6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood. 7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too. 8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house. 9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can. 10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.' 11. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment...for enjoying sex. 12. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008! From: GUEST,Marty Date: 21 Mar 08 - 06:42 AM I had to give up tap dancing. I kept falling in the sink. Fozzie Bear |
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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008! From: dwditty Date: 20 Mar 08 - 03:35 PM True story: My youngest daughter lost a tooth...she was about 6. As she was going on and on about the Tooth Fairy, her older sister said, "Mom's the tooth fairy." The youngest paused a momemnt, thinking, and replied, "Mom can't be the tooth fairy. She is home every night." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 20 Mar 08 - 03:29 PM "Visit to NYC" Chris: How was your trip to New York? Brian: Well, a mugger stopped me and said, "Gimme your money, or I'll blow your brains out." Chris: What did you do? Brian: I told him to go ahead and shoot. He was so shocked, he ran away. Chris: Wow! He told you to give him your money or he'd blow your brains out, and you told him to go ahead and shoot? Brian: Yeah. You don't need brains to live in New York, but you can't get along without money. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008! From: Mrrzy Date: 20 Mar 08 - 03:20 PM He is not the terrorist you're looking for... |
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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008! From: Michael Date: 20 Mar 08 - 01:24 PM So they would be feeding him a Nestle breakfast cereal against his wiil then? Mike |
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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008! From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 20 Mar 08 - 09:38 AM It appears that the CIA has captured a suspected rebel threat by the name of Obi-wan Kenobi. He has refused to talk, and is on a hunger strike; the guards, however, are *Force* feeding him. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008! From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 20 Mar 08 - 09:37 AM Variety is the Very Spice Famed British botanist Lord Ramsbottom successfully hybridized a cumin plant with a strain of coriander. The result was a cultivar that had a very unusual and highly desirable seed. The plant, when exhibited at local shows, won many awards. Lord Ramsbottom was so thrilled with his new hybrid that he showed the award-winning herb at the Royal Horticultural Society Exhibition at Kew Gardens in London. One of the visitors to the exhibition was the owner of several greengrocer stores around London. His name was Abe Shapiro and he had found prosperity in England after emigrating from Minsk and working long and hard. Abe's knowledge of the market for herbs and spices was legendary and he was asked how he thought the newly developed strain would do in the marketplace. He responded, "Vell, I t'ink it's a vunderful ting, dis new herb. So unusual. I can't belief dat mine eyes haff seen the cory, and der cumin of da Lord." (By Bob Levi from "The Ants Are My Friends" by Richard Lederer & Stan Kegel ©2007 Marion Street Press) |
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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 20 Mar 08 - 09:28 AM Watzameddeh, nobody else interested in a good belly laugh? Dave Oesterreich |
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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 17 Mar 08 - 12:33 PM "Company Policy Changes" The following policy changes will go into effect immediately.
Dress Code: If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need raise.
Sick Days:
Personal Days:
Toilet Use: After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category." Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation or input should be directed elsewhere. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 14 Mar 08 - 09:46 AM While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sunnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!) |
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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 14 Mar 08 - 09:43 AM While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!' |
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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008! From: GUEST,Chicken Charlie Date: 12 Mar 08 - 08:05 PM Trying to get a handle on where voters' priorities are, the Republican National Committee set up a phone bank and started a one-question survey, "How much do you worry about illegal immigration?" 76% of the people contacted said, "We worry about it a lot!" The other 24% said, "No es una problema seriosa." CC |
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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008! From: Bill D Date: 12 Mar 08 - 03:56 PM "Veni, Vidi, Velcro" ~ I came, I saw, I stuck around. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008! From: Amos Date: 12 Mar 08 - 01:56 PM Jay Leno, via U.S. News: "Well, here's a very scary story. Prescription medications have been discovered in the drinking water supplies of at least 41 million Americans." President Bush "calls that the Republican healthcare plan." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008! From: Bee-dubya-ell Date: 12 Mar 08 - 12:53 PM A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing, you're just like Frank." Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time." Passenger: "Come on now, nobody's perfect. There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "No, not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special". Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right." Passenger. "Wow, some guy then." Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too, he was the perfect man . He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman ." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his fucking widow." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008! From: Bill D Date: 12 Mar 08 - 11:33 AM The doctor told the nurse to let him know right away when the old man's energy level gets back to normal after his injection. The nurse asks the doctor how will she know when his energy level is back to normal ... by what criteria? The doctor says, "When he wakes, simply tell him you have come to give him super sex and then record his reaction. " So later that evening she comes to his bedside, nudges him, and tells the old man that she came to give him "super sex." The old man comes to ... then thinks a moment ... and then says, "I think I'd prefer soup." --------------------------------------------------------------------- A retired Italian winemaker went to the village church to make his confession for the first time in many decades. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. I hid her in my attic." The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! You have no need to confess it." "It's worse than that, Father," he continued. "She quickly started to repay me with adult favours." "People in wartime sometimes act in ways they wouldn't under normal conditions. If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven." "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. May I ask a question?" "What, my son?" "She is pretty old now, should I tell her the war is over?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?" The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?" "Yes, Granddaughter. It's me." "It's really, really you, Grandmother?" the woman repeats. "Yes, it's really me, Granddaughter." The woman looks puzzled. "You're sure it's you, Grandmother?" "Yes, Granddaughter, I'm sure it's me." The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you." "Anything, my child." "Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008! From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 12 Mar 08 - 08:57 AM I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had his hair spiked in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?' Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008! From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 12 Mar 08 - 06:33 AM A couple of good 'techncial' cartoons... http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/command_line_fu.png http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/success.png |
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Subject: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008! From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 12 Mar 08 - 06:27 AM Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'It's Time... Noticed this... BS: Leg problem BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! Thought it was time to pull in another new thread... Sorry... 2nd Joke thread of 2008! |