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BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Dead Horse Date: 23 Dec 02 - 05:59 PM Christmas is about getting your inflateable bollox blown up, your foreskin ripped off, a tree stuffed up your behind, your best sloe gin used as a fire extinguisher, and your missus rogered by the skiffler! Been a good year, so far. Definately got this place in my calender for 2003. |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: MMario Date: 23 Dec 02 - 11:51 AM of course not - Christmas is about lots more then getting pissed, shagging, cooking, and eating. those are just incidental functions. that make the holiday more festive. |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Dave Bryant Date: 23 Dec 02 - 11:43 AM Christ - that was a shambles - sorry Roger, I wasn't talking about you. I'll just nip back and print out a load of scores - then we can do some note-bashing and try it again. Do you all think that Christmas is just about getting pissed, shagging any creature that moves, and cooking and eating any that don't. BTW try and sort out who's singing the bass part - it's not difficult - it only goes down to A and up to D on the bass clef. You can find a MIDI of Thomas Clark's score HERE . |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: MMario Date: 23 Dec 02 - 10:50 AM MMario doesn't have much of any voice at the moment - his identical twin descendant/cousin/twin/ancestor Benjermin Laudley-Bellowes got a wee bit enthusiastic while celebrating Mr. Scrooges 'epiphany' yesterday - and while caroling - gradually lost tenor range, baritone range, and finally bass range - for once (and it don't happen often) MMario is silent. |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Dave Bryant Date: 23 Dec 02 - 10:30 AM What a waste of a duck ! - you don't get any of that lovely crisp skin in a microwave. The one that we're looking forward to on Wednesday will be meticulously prepared before it goes into the oven. There doesn't seem to be much in the way of good, loud singing in the tavern at the moment - so I'll just slip away from Linda's Christmas preparations and find the Greenwich portal - it should be near the market - ah here we are. OK what about "While Shepherds Watched" to the tune of "Cranbrook" ? I'll sing the melody line in the Tenor -Come on MMario they tell me you've got a big voice - you can sing the baritone part. Liz, you've got the Soprano part and Morty can sing Alto. One, Two, Three While Shepherds watched their flocks by night............ |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Liz the Squeak Date: 23 Dec 02 - 02:59 AM How do you turn a duck into a blues singer? Put it in a microwave until it's Bill Withers! (sorry duck lovers....) LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Gareth Date: 23 Dec 02 - 02:52 AM Only to the foriegners !!!!! Gareth awaiting the Eweltide festivities ! |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Cluin Date: 22 Dec 02 - 10:56 PM And thusly did the poor inebriated Taverners discover that both the bottle of Jack and the bartender were no longer on the premises--two of the seven signs that a new gyre fast approacheth. So let it be written... So let it be done. |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Rapparee Date: 22 Dec 02 - 07:34 PM The quiet man simply drank his Talisker, his sixth? seventh? seventieth? He'd quit counting some time ago. Exciting evening, what with the wave of the fuschia and all. He'd gotten pretty disgusted, too, with the various puns engendered: Liz, spying a small puddle of the paint off to one side, had said, "Look! The waif of the fuschia!" Amos, afraid that once the flood was stopped it would return as a ghost, had babbled about the "wraith of the future." He turned his back to the window and called to bartender for more. It was, he knew, either back to the fuschia or he'd be suffering from fuschia shock. |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: SINSULL Date: 22 Dec 02 - 07:11 PM Is a diddler a person or a thing? And why does he need three? HAHA the duck said to put it on his bill. Just got it. I think I will help myself to the bottle of Jack Daniels behind the bar. Saves getting up and down. Put it on the duck's bill...HAHAHA |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Dead Horse Date: 22 Dec 02 - 03:51 PM If Gareth has a Royal Irish Arse (RIA) he should get it decommisioned at once. |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Cluin Date: 22 Dec 02 - 02:49 PM Yeah, Enkidu always did get rather morose just before he passed out. |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Rustic Rebel Date: 22 Dec 02 - 02:46 PM The long-hair with the loin cloth and tool belt, sat beside me. He wasn't to bad to look at or smell after he had cleaned himself up a bit.He must have been getting a little buzzed though because he starts complaining to me a little.. He says, I repaired the hole in the roof, but do they call me a carpenter? I fixed the leaking faucet in the mens room, but do they call me a plumber? I build a rock wall around the paint truck to stop the wave of the fuschia, but do they call me a mason? No,But I fuck one inflatable sheep... I'm thinking this is someone Gareth, Art, or the bare-chested man in the MacGregor kilt could handle better than myself so I slip off the bar stool and go find myself a bottle of Cuervo behind the bar.(I figure I might as well take the whole bottle since we have no-one to tend bar) I think there is some coconut, lime and salt under the tree so I wonder off that way. |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Cluin Date: 22 Dec 02 - 02:38 PM By the way, doesn't Welsh mean Foreign? *sneaking out* |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Cluin Date: 22 Dec 02 - 02:35 PM Actually, they hold back on publishing because there is some disagreement on the translation: some think the modern equivalent of the word is "Royal", while others think it is "Wild". More government funding is required to further research the discrepancy. |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Amos Date: 22 Dec 02 - 02:01 PM It's an ancient Druidic symbolic ritual, the nearest modern translation of which, scholars agree, can only be rendered as "Kiss My Royal Irish Arse". This is not a widely known fact, because most scholars blanch at the very concept, let alone the prospect of publishing it in words. A |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Dead Horse Date: 22 Dec 02 - 10:25 AM But why is the mistletoe hung BEHIND! Tis as I suspected. You sir, are a prevert. |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Gareth Date: 22 Dec 02 - 05:17 AM Cluin - a calamny, a despicable calamny - I have never claimed to be the "scion of unspecified royalty" Any way the mistltoe is significant at Beltain !!!! Gareth |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Cluin Date: 22 Dec 02 - 12:42 AM It's all been hoarded by a disreputable scion of unspecified foreign royalty, who has tied it to his belt, both in front and behind. He is presently standing on a table, clutching a huge stein of ale, three sheets to the hurricane and is incorrigibly belting out dirty versions of songs: But a horny old cuss was he He called for his queen and he called for his ho' And he called for his diddlers three... Of course, the Aberflyhalf RFC are cheering him on and there is talk of a coup... |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Liz the Squeak Date: 21 Dec 02 - 09:29 PM OK, so this is the shortest day... but it's also the longest night.. .where is that mistletoe? LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Noreen Date: 21 Dec 02 - 08:01 PM Emboldened by Sorcha's protective presence, little duck pipes up: "Got 'ny aurochs? You can put it on my bill" |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: SINSULL Date: 21 Dec 02 - 07:06 PM SINSULL slowly hums "Deep Purple" and laughs aloud at her own joke. Another JD, a lemon bar and she slips quietly back into her corner to watch the fun and guard against any further attacks on the duck. |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: MMario Date: 21 Dec 02 - 07:53 AM Y'know what I like about Christmas - sooner or later everyone shows up. New Friends, old friends, family. Have some more aurochs. Gotta make room for the big meal coming. |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Cluin Date: 21 Dec 02 - 01:43 AM Dark wiry little lady enters and comes up to the bar, crooks a finger and beckons the barkeep towards her. "Oh, man!" says the barkeep. "What now?!" When he leans over the bar towards her, the lady says, in a thick Italian accent, "I'm-a looka for my husaban. You see? He's a handsome, a nice dress man, got-a nice suit. You see?" "Oh, sure, maybe", nods the barkeep. "There was a guy in an expensive suit here a while ago. But he left." "He go? Where?" asks the little lady, her chin jerking upward, eyes flashing. "He's alone or he's with-a some woman?" she challenges. "No, he was alone", assures the barkeep. "I guess things got too hot for him and he ran outta here lickety-split." "AhhhhhAtsa no my husaban' den", the lady shakes her head, almost sadly. "He pinch-a da bum, yes. But he no lick-a da split." Barkeep stares unfocussed for a 5 second count. "Fuggit! I'm on break!" he announces to no one in particular, then tosses down his bar towel, grabs a 40 of Jack Daniels and comes out from behind the bar. Throwing back his head, he upends the bottle into his gullet, chugging back a good five or six ounces. Coughs. Then he does it again. He lowers the bottle, glares once back at the bar, shakes his head and heads out the East Door, slouching towards Bethlehem. |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Allan C. Date: 20 Dec 02 - 09:05 PM Hey, Tink! I know I can't pass the physical; but could you spare a dram of that CoN for the likes of me? |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Tinker Date: 20 Dec 02 - 08:58 PM She shakes off the rain as she comes in through the Highland door... I knew if I came through the tavern I could replace the bottle Big Mick took home for the Missus... Looks like the bar could use one too. Hey bartender ! Straight from the Gordon.. another bottle of Cock of the North. Pour me a stiff one and a round for all the ladies... |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Liz the Squeak Date: 20 Dec 02 - 05:20 PM Oh Dave, what ever makes you think I'd fight my friends for chocolate... 28lbs divided by 3, makes 9lb each and one for Bratling... she's not supposed to eat too many... she's losing a front tooth. LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Dead Horse Date: 20 Dec 02 - 04:40 PM "I'll get me wellies on and go outside" says DH. "I might be gone some time" (Dead Horse Wins Oaks - Newmarket Gazette) "No cracks about *Waders of the Purple Sage* while I'm gone" Mrs DH picks herself up off the floor, and slides seductively towards a six fingered yokel wearing a stupid grin and a coonskin hat. "Git ya banjo out, ya purty young hunk, an' gi' us a toon" |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Cllr Date: 20 Dec 02 - 04:32 PM lemming outa here and I only just arrived |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: MMario Date: 20 Dec 02 - 04:23 PM you prefer a wedgied lemming? |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: GUEST Date: 20 Dec 02 - 04:18 PM No one saw the convoy of white trucks/lorries bearing the logo of the NYCFTTS. Soon the place fills with the hit big bubrly men bearing straight jackets. A twist of lemming...ewwwww |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: mg Date: 20 Dec 02 - 03:49 PM I'm Irish..eat my potatoes straight. OK sometimes with a little whiskey. No lefse recipe here. mg |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: MMario Date: 20 Dec 02 - 03:11 PM STRAWS ALL AROUND! |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Micca Date: 20 Dec 02 - 02:58 PM Its Not paint!!! Its catsPHiddles infamous Blackberry vodka!!!!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Catherine Jayne Date: 20 Dec 02 - 02:46 PM Oh shit it looks like we've been marrooned! (reddish purple paint) |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Stilly River Sage Date: 20 Dec 02 - 02:30 PM Sage peers around the darkend room, the purplish tinge on the ceiling a reflection of the outside neon light bouncing off of the sea of fuchia paint on the ground. She's looking for the pale glow of another low-sun-expsure-pastey-white Northwesterner. "Mary Garvey, do you remember your recipe for lefse? I think I have a box of cookbooks out in my pickup truck, but I hate to turn my socks purple by wading out to get one." Feathers drift down from near the top of the tree as the small monkey busily grooms the duck and tosses unattached feathers so they'll drift beyond the tree out to the floor. |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: MMario Date: 20 Dec 02 - 01:59 PM well of COURSE! *sniff* think I don't know how to make lefse? - whodacookaroundhereanywho?makemthemselvestheydon'tlikethewayIdoitsotheycan |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Rapparee Date: 20 Dec 02 - 01:51 PM Outside, there came a squeal of tires (tyres, on the English side) and a horrible, rending, crash and scream of tortured metal on asphalt (macadam on the English side). A man in a ragged, torn jacket and pants staggered in, screaming, "Run for your lives! My paint truck (paint lorry on the English side) just crashed and split open! There's a wave of reddish-purple paint flooding this way!" And he ran out the other door. Those near the windows looked out and saw it: a tidal wave, a veritable tsunami, of reddish-purple paint bearing down on the Tavern. "Oh, look!" said Noreen. "The wave of the fuschia!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Stilly River Sage Date: 20 Dec 02 - 01:48 PM Potatoes, puleeease! Use a little unbleached white flour when you roll it out. . . |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: MMario Date: 20 Dec 02 - 01:43 PM Did you want that made with wheat flour, rye or buckwheat? The wheat is on the right side of the counter, the rye on the left and the buckwheat is just coming off the griddle. Blini's next! |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: mg Date: 20 Dec 02 - 01:40 PM lutefisk lutefisk lefse lefse will we beat Ballard you betcha you betcha they sang in simple harmony |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: GUEST,Guest, Cluin (from girlfriend's computer) Date: 20 Dec 02 - 01:39 PM I knew I shoulda used the onion whole.... |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Stilly River Sage Date: 20 Dec 02 - 01:27 PM That lefse ready yet? |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: MMario Date: 20 Dec 02 - 11:31 AM Sorry - we don't serve Hamster here. Want some Aurochs? Velociraptor? Bread? |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Dave Bryant Date: 20 Dec 02 - 11:23 AM Noreen - are you really prepared to fight LTS (probably aided bt Bratling) for them ? |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Bee-dubya-ell Date: 20 Dec 02 - 11:12 AM Just a quick refresher: When we last saw Punch the Horse he was somewhere on the plains of Australia, negotiating to have a trained boxing kangaroo open a large can of whip-arse on Oakley's rival, Winston Wellington-Jones. Now, back to the present.... The Southern Hemisphere door bursts open and in flies a noisy and very unusual looking four-seater airplane. Emblazoned on the fuselage is the legend "Punch the Horse World Tour 2003". What is so highly unusual about this particular airplane, also known as the "Puncheoplane", is that it is the world's only known hamster-powered flying machine. Each of its six propellers is attached to a shaft which serves as the axle for 500 hamster exercise wheels. (I can hear some readers performing quick mental calulations such as, "500 hamster wheels at a width of, say, three inches each would reguire a shaft 125 feet long! How can such a shaft possibly fit into a four-seater airplane?" Well, just remember that our normal perceptions about space, time and the amount of alcohol a human being can consume do not necessarilly apply in the Mudcat Tavern.) The cumulative power generated by 3000 hamsters running their little arses off , when multiplied by a sequence of gears, is just enough to keep the Puncheoplane aloft and moving forward at roughly 20 knots. To supply the extra power required for take-off, the hamsters' energy is stored using an ingenious system of rubberbands. The Puncheoplane somehow makes a three-point landing in the litterstrewn aisleway of the Tavern and taxis up to the bar. A pilot-side window is popped open and Captain DeanMeister pops his head out of the window and asks, "Got any hamster food?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Catherine Jayne Date: 20 Dec 02 - 10:47 AM There happens to be 2, 5-string fiddles under the tree......One for catsPHiddle and One for Sorcha......WOW this has made their Christmas!!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Dead Horse Date: 20 Dec 02 - 10:22 AM I've already got a bicycle repair kit, thanks. I use the valve rubbers as condoms. And I see the prezzy I hid under the tree hasn't been found yet. I'm talking about the Max Boyce CDs which should drive those bloody rugby players barmy after a couple of hearings, and serves 'em right. Love the Dictio9arey, I wonder who in He9ll thats for? Back to the plot (Plot? Wot bloody plot?) The delectable (must look that up - wots lectable?) Kay, not having tripped the light fantastic for at least three minutes, is getting fidgety again, "O.K. You old bosun, (I think I heard right)git up and start singing South Australia in double quick time, I wanna be there by 6:30" "SouthAustraliaIwasbornHeaveawayHaulawaySouthAustraliaroundCapeHornandwe'reboundforSouthAustralia" (line breaks deleted to speed things up. Ed) The delectable Kay performs a double shuffle, three toe taps, two Cowboys, and a complete tribe of Indians before falling flat on her rump. "And let that be a lesson to you!" He says, breathlessly. |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: MMario Date: 20 Dec 02 - 09:48 AM Who gets the complete set of Bronson's? |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Noreen Date: 20 Dec 02 - 08:18 AM
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