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BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Noreen Date: 18 Dec 02 - 09:01 PM Not in the least distracted by crunching chameleons, flying nails or the nimble, tender bartender, Bailey-footed duck repeats: "Got'ny bread?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Noreen Date: 18 Dec 02 - 08:02 PM Nasty Cluin.... |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Gareth Date: 18 Dec 02 - 06:47 PM Them termites is sneaky, as the sacrificial termite Kamikazies to the bar, the Veld door is besieged, and a troup make a line to the Christmas tree ( they have a hankering for resin flavoured wood ) - Oooops - bad call - the Chameleons think it is Christmas, tounges flashing they eat thier fill. The deflated inflatable Sheep re-enters, flacid, she is looking for someone, or thing, to give her a blow job. Gareth |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Cluin Date: 18 Dec 02 - 05:48 PM A voice shouts out from the opened north-eastern door: "Barkeep! Catch!" And a small box of 1 1/2" Ardox nails comes flying in. Which the barkeep intercepts nimbly from the air. "What are these for?" he inquires. "Hang on to `em. You'll see..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Cluin Date: 18 Dec 02 - 05:44 PM Oh oh... |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Noreen Date: 18 Dec 02 - 05:42 PM The cellar door (which apparently leads to Pontefract) squeaks open and a yellow duck waddles into the tavern, splashes through the Baileys puddles and in a manner not totally dissimilar to the erstwhile baby bodhran, leaps onto the bar, and enquires of the tender bartender: "Got any bread?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: MMario Date: 18 Dec 02 - 04:44 PM checking the first aid kit to discover the bodhran anti-venom is outdated!!!!! Can't have that! One good bite from one of them baby 'rhans and someone could permanently lose their sense of rythym! |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: My guru always said Date: 18 Dec 02 - 04:09 PM Shades of Dr Busker methinks.... |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Dead Horse Date: 18 Dec 02 - 02:14 PM So the bartender passed the smear test! As the odour of burning melodeon passed into the night, accompanied by several DH Morrismen, all singing *Shag a Wallaby* at the end of every verse of The Aussie Bestial Bondage Song, Dh himself noticed that the sheep was missing. "Bloody hell!" he moaned, "Now I'll have to screw the cats. Which one first? The tabby or the mangey one?" Having decided, he slopes off into a corner, where he rogers the old tom, all the while singing "Away in a mangier, no broom for a chick. The dirty old pirate is dipping his wick" |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Cluin Date: 18 Dec 02 - 12:42 PM And before the South Hemisphere door shuts completely, a tiny termite scoots in. It makes the trek across to the bar and climbs behind the brass rail, up the face and around onto the top. Summoning all his miniscule breath, he squeaks out at the top of his little lungs: "Excuse me, is the bar tender here?" "Balls!" growls the barkeep. "Not another bloody one." *SWAT!**smear* |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: GUEST,CHICKS WITH STICKS Date: 18 Dec 02 - 11:09 AM Hi were lookin for men with brooms! |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Dave Bryant Date: 18 Dec 02 - 10:35 AM The UK door opened again and a bearded Ozzie with glasses and three legs carrying a digereedoo, woggle-board and artist's easel. "G'day" he says "yer don't mind if I pop back to Oz for Christmas by this short cut - saves on the air fares". "Jeezus-Bloody-Christ - that sheep looks as though it's got a few more left in it - I mean as though it needs the animal hospital - I'll see it gets the treatment it needs". He slings the sheep over his shoulder and disappears out of the Southern Hemisphere door, whistling "Tie me Kangaroo down Sport". |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: My guru always said Date: 18 Dec 02 - 08:14 AM SPLAT - and the Catters surrounding the tree were glooped with fresh Baileys. Both Cats had belly-flopped in perfect harmony from the top of the tree into the waiting bowl below. Landing on all paws they survey the shambolic scene and decide on who to clean up first. 'Hope someone tells MMario not to pluck the Small Bird of Prey when it finally turns up - it's a hunter, not the hunted'! The ethereal Druidess prepares a manger in readiness for the 'Babe-to-Be' & the RFC members & Morris sides start taking bets on the sex of the awaited MudKitten. |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Rapparee Date: 18 Dec 02 - 08:11 AM "Care for a drink?" the quiet one asks the PEL inspectors. "Good 'un," one replied, pouring the liquor from the quaintly shaped vessel into another plastic bag. "Wait, have to get it all," he said, putting his finger inside to wipe it out. "ARGH! Percy! Help me!" screamed the first, as he found himself being sucked into the Klein bottle, first by the finger and then more quickly. Looking up from looking up the basque, Percy seized his co-worker's foot, only to be sucked in along with him. Close examination of the interior of the bottle was a ghastly experience, but the light sparkled off of it in crystaline rainbows. The quiet one walked over and hung it on the tree. "Klein bottles," he said. "Three dimensional object with only one side. Great topology. Just gotta love 'em. Bartender, how about a Talisker? A big one." He pulled out his spoons, and, being considerate, broke into a silent rendition of a medley of stuff from Twisted Sister. He thought the group appropriate. |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Dave Bryant Date: 18 Dec 02 - 07:59 AM More likely "A turnip for the book" ! |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Dead Horse Date: 18 Dec 02 - 07:31 AM (What's that about Lizzies oversized tankard? Surely a tankard can only be oversized if you can't lift it!!!) "There's still some shaggin' left in that sheep yet, so it aint completely useless, unlike my inflateable nuts. The valve blew off, you know. I've been Bobbitted. And the best years of my life afore me. I'll have to get an im-plant. How about a carrot? Or, better yet, a parsnip?" His missus stops dancing long enough to fix him with a withering glare "That'll be a turnup fer the book, might consider goin' vegetarian" |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Dave Bryant Date: 18 Dec 02 - 06:06 AM The door which previously led to Hull9 swings open, and it is apparent that the hyperspace link has realigned itself. Visible now is the Cutty Sark complete with a crowd of maritime heritage lovers who are lamenting over it's state. Two suited gentleman walk in, each carrying a briefcase and large clipboard. "This doesn't look like the inside of "The Cricketers", says one. "No it must be some other pub", says the other, "Still the Cricketers has got a PEL now - what about this place". The two of them walk over to the bar where they enquire the name of the establishment. "Mudcat Tavern ?" queries one them, searching through a little black book, "No they don't have a PEL". MMario tries to diffuse the situation by offering them a plate of hot auroch, they both smell it suspiciously and one of them produces a plastic bag into which puts a sample, "Wait till the Health and Hygene boys analyse that he says". The other man from the council has noticed the bearmat demon which is growling menacingly from under a table, "They've even got vermin running around - tch-tch-tcch". "Yes agrees the other, "But look at all this live performance without a PEL - Greenwich council will make a packet out of this". Dead Horse pushes to the front "What entertainment ?" he asks. "God, they've even got female impersonators" says the first inspector, "And Sheep", says the other, "Perhaps we should pull in the RSPCA - that sheep looks copmpletely shagged". |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Chip2447 Date: 18 Dec 02 - 05:59 AM WHOA!!!! That was kinda cool. I wonder if we can market that shit, hell who needs Middle Eastern oil. On second thought, the environmental impact statement would ruin us. Ralph would love us..."Unsafe at any tavern....Mudcatters" Party on folks, it wont be long until some Politally Correct Wannabee decides that we are the next threat to humanity, cause what we've eyewitnessed here was a weapon of Mass destruction if ever there were one. "They're coming to take me away haha...." Got any of those devilled eggs and the nasty cheap beer left? Never know when we are gonna need another one of those demon fighting flatuence attacks. I'll just wander back to me corner booth, give a shout if'm ya need me. Chip2...24.....24...24kinmuch to drinkkk |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Roger the Skiffler Date: 18 Dec 02 - 04:12 AM The sleeper awakes and belches Metaxas fumes dangerously near to the Xmas tree lights. "Dead Horse is a damn fine triangle player an' that Kay can certainly clog 'em good, let's find my kazoo and clean the cat sh*t off the washboard an' give 'em "Jitterbug Swing". C'm on you women, an' do the jitterbug swing... UMPPH" A timely application of mince pie mercifully cuts short the caterwauling that has the cats climbing the Xmas tree in terror and was in danger of curdling the Baileys. RtS |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: MMario Date: 17 Dec 02 - 10:06 PM The roof will fix itself if we reboot the Tavern - we got it from Microsloth Roof and Windows. |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Noreen Date: 17 Dec 02 - 10:01 PM Herewith a LARGE bottle of Baileys to refill the cats' saucer ...and Liz's oversized tankard... |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: MMario Date: 17 Dec 02 - 09:27 PM nope - King's cake has a BEAN in it; which represents the Christ Child (or the Sun King in an older tradition I'm told ) Sinsull - I take it your money is on a boy? |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: SINSULL Date: 17 Dec 02 - 08:04 PM MMario...King's Cake??? Isn't that the one with the BABY in it???? Like the BABY Max is having????? Named Taj Lightening???? (No joke, folks).Or maybe it's Lightnin'. |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Liz the Squeak Date: 17 Dec 02 - 07:56 PM It's enough to drive a woman to drink.... where's the rest of that feckin' Baileys.....? LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Dead Horse Date: 17 Dec 02 - 07:39 PM Doesn't having your nuts explode make you baby proof? And I hate to have to fess up, but I got a virus. It seems I got a dose of the dreaded Viagra Bug, which turns all your floppies into hardware. Nothin' ta do with the critter on me nuts, or the Morti snogs, etc. Musta gorrit off'n an e-mail, honest. When is some bastard gonna fix the hole in the roof? I washed me hair three times already, thinkin' it was dandruff, when all the time it was snow. As for baby bods, the divil tak 'em. Aint no good for nothin' but imitation tanbourines, you know, them things ye get in yer stockin' at Xmas. (or is that Clementines?) Oh, me darlin' Oh me darlin' Oh me darlin' Clementine Thou art pissed and under the weather, End up drinkin' turpentine. |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Liz the Squeak Date: 17 Dec 02 - 05:48 PM So... that's what Kipling does to you... now I know I shan't be doing it again.... it's going to take ages for that to grow back.... LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Cluin Date: 17 Dec 02 - 05:26 PM You really want it coming out of the closet at 13? |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: SINSULL Date: 17 Dec 02 - 05:26 PM DH - that's what happens when you skewer one of god's little creatures. Say you're sorry for killing the baby bod' and the demon will fall off. So will your nuts but ... Hey MMario. Come collect some prairie oysters for the pot! |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Amos Date: 17 Dec 02 - 05:12 PM Can't we just keep it in the closet until it is thirteen? A |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: MMario Date: 17 Dec 02 - 04:41 PM well - the perils of the daemon bearmat (Scourge of Hul9l) will not be with us long - I have it on good authority it will vanish from the ken AND Barbie of He points at a large digital clock behind the bar, right below the slightly ratty stuffed moosehead from which a potato stuffed thong depends. The sign reads: " 8 hours - 24 minutes 32 seconds until Singed Bearmat Auction closes" Just below that is another sign - "Place your bets on how long until the entire Tavern needs to be Baby-proofed!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Rapparee Date: 17 Dec 02 - 01:51 PM And Mario, after laying down the sledge, was reciting as he prepared the trout, "...though I've battered you and fried you, by the living roe that made you, you're a better taste than auroch, almondine...." "I say, do you like Kipling?" asked the quiet man to Liz. She giggled and replied, "I don't know, I've never kipled." |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Dead Horse Date: 17 Dec 02 - 12:43 PM Kerrrboooooooooooooooooooooom! (loud cries of "Arrgh, me nuts" and "Gerritoff") The figure of Dead Horse runs wildly round the room, exhibiting surprising speed and agility for one of his advanced years. "That's positively the last time I wear inflateable nuts to a Mudcat event" His other half, the delectable KAY, mutters something about dried kernels as she swiftly dons her dancing shoes, in readiness for the celebrations. "Now where's that damn banjo player" she calls, "If'n ye can't find a banjo, stick a few strings accross a bodhran, a git pluckin'" |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Dave Bryant Date: 17 Dec 02 - 12:06 PM Hearing the whistle of the descending maul the BEARMAT DEMON metamophoses from his flat larval state to it's fully developed state, and with lightning reflexes leaps out of the way of MMario's hammer, scattering nuts in all directions. This was somewhat of a pity because the one thing that a BEARMAT DEMON loves is nuts - the larger the better. Suddenly, right in front of his gaze, the demon is aware of two exceedingly large nuts dangling down from a lace basque. Besides several signatures in permanent felt-tip marker each dispays a branded-on message "Property of Kate - tamper with at your peril !". Such a temptation could not be ignored and opening it's mouth, it clamped it's fearsome teeth around the dangling cluster. |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Tinker Date: 17 Dec 02 - 10:33 AM "See that man all dressed in black Nuts so hot he keeps'em in a sack.. Singing Nuts...Hot Nuts Anyone here wanna try my nuts...." Roots blues belted out by the lady in the lowcut gown as approaches the bar... NOw why did that song come out |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: MMario Date: 17 Dec 02 - 10:32 AM MUDCAT BABY DUE!Max and his lady... Drinks are on Bert! Hell - I'll even pay for some! |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Dead Horse Date: 17 Dec 02 - 10:25 AM While exposing my rear end (beneath fetching basque) in order to comply with certain requests, my nuts have been signed. Do hope it wasn't with an indelible felt tip! |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: MMario Date: 17 Dec 02 - 08:43 AM Hey Look! There's a bunch of roasted beernuts over there on the singed bearmat! Just the thing to top off the king's cake I just finished frosting. But they do need to be crushed first... *grabs 15 pound sledge used as a bodhran deterrent and hefts it over his head* Stand back! There may be shrapnel! *He starts the downswing...maul heading straight for the singed bearmat and the roasted nuts.* |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Chip2447 Date: 17 Dec 02 - 01:57 AM Anyone care for some bearmat demon beer nuts, or is that bare demon nuts, or maybe demon bear beer huts? Chipw447( still looking fo the bear necessities} |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Bee-dubya-ell Date: 17 Dec 02 - 12:58 AM The rafter on which the ice demon was perched happened to be directly in the path of the outgoing rush of fire as it escaped through the hole in the roof. The intense heat melted the ice demon and he dripped down off of the rafter onto the table below where he was immediately absorbed by a singed bearmat. ("Bearmat" being Hullspeak for what the rest of us know as a "beermat" or "coaster". "Singed" is Hullspeak for "signed", but in this case the bearmat was, in fact, singed. It may well have been signed too, but that's another story.) As soon as the entire essence of the ice demon had been absorbed into the bearmat, the demon regained full consciousness and his mutation into the dreaded BEARMAT DEMON was complete! |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Cluin Date: 17 Dec 02 - 12:50 AM "Philistines!" The sound drifts back into the Tavern on the wind, just before the north door bangs shut again. "That's it!" shouts Dead Horse, pounding the table. "Thank gawd he's gone," mumbles the barkeep. "If he'd-a roped me into one more bad joke, I'd-a gnawed my own foot off to get outta here." |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: mg Date: 17 Dec 02 - 12:44 AM Cindy Lou Who..haven't thought of her in years. Must be all grown up now. Is there a chance that she'll stop by? |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Cluin Date: 17 Dec 02 - 12:12 AM "Fuck this noise!" says the suit and clambers up and sprints out the door to the relative safety of the blizzard outside. |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: GUEST,chip2447 Date: 17 Dec 02 - 12:05 AM Now where did I leave that plate of cookies???? Chip2447 |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: GUEST Date: 17 Dec 02 - 12:01 AM Haulling himself out of the booth and pulling on the surplus asbestos silver fire suit, Chip2447/OG1 heads for the frozen kegs. "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN and the rest y'all too. WE HAVE A TEENY TINY WEE SMALL PROBLEM. SOME PISSY LITTLE WANNABE TRIED TO SABOTAGE THE GUNNIESS. I THINK I CAN TAKE CARE OF HIS LITTLE GAME. WHAT WE NEED ONE GOOD FART FROM EVERYONE. ONE GOOD FART AND DUCK FROM EVERYONE, INCLUDING THE DUCK AND THE CATS, ESPECIALLY THE CATS!" PLEASE PASS THE GAS AND HIT THE FLOOR, IT'LL ALL BE OVER IN A SECOND. THANKS." Pulling the Scott mask on, and lowering the hemet, he ignites the oxy acetelyn torch. He holds the flaming tip high in the air, (better air up here, would hate to have a premature eja...explosion), he carefully approaches the hostile kegs. One quick glance around shows him that most everyone has complied, bodies are pointing their arses at him, a few bare azzed moons, must be to get the best gass mix, he thought. A few scrambling for the floor and a few more for the doors. "GAWD I hope this works." He says as he lowers the cutting torch into the dense methane. With a loud WHOOMMMMPFFFFFFF of displaced air the Tavern for one brief fraction of a second turns into a conflaguration of hell. The hole in the ceiling venting most of the heat and fire outward. Reports later indicated that the fire ball and mushroom cloud could be see fo hundreds of miles. The flashover was gone before most of the drunkards knew what hit em. He felt particularly sorry for those who had dropped their drawers, as the fire probably singed off all the hair on their asses. He emerged from the smoke with a big cheesy grin on his face. "TOLD YA IT WOULD WORK... BEER's flowing again...." Now where was that monkey, he thought he could teach the lil bugger to play ocarina.... |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Cluin Date: 16 Dec 02 - 11:35 PM The guy in the expensive business suit tosses back his drink, feeling it warm his chilled bones, and gestures for the barkeep to hit him again. Then he hears a tiny voice to his right: "Wow! That's a really nice suit. You have great taste!" Armani looks to his right but nobody is there. He turns back to the festivities going on in the room. Someone has hiked down their trousers and is defecating in the much-abused spitoon. Must be clearing his throat in preparation... "I mean, seriously, that is one killer suit. And you fill it out pretty damn well, too, mister." Same little voice again. Sounds like it's maybe coming from behind the bar. The guy leans over and peers behind, but nobody's there either. You smell pretty good too, buddy. What do you guys think? "Oh yeah!" "Damn straight!" "I think I'm in love" Armani jumps back when he realizes the voices are issuing from the dish of beer nuts by his right elbow. And the barkeep finally arrives with the bottle to replenish his glass. "What the hell's with those beer nuts?" demands the suit. Barkeep shrugs. "They're complimentary." |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Rustic Rebel Date: 16 Dec 02 - 11:28 PM Fart what? "Fart suppository, yes that is what I said. You see this is one of my latest inventions. I fill the capsule with favorite scents. Then when your mate is sleeping and expelling, you slide that little baby up his ass, and ah, the body temperature diffuses a delightful odour. hell yeah, these things will sell like hotcakes. Now if I only had some with me in this joint I could show you what I mean... |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Amos Date: 16 Dec 02 - 10:59 PM Holy Moly -- Songs from the Sacred Digestive Tracts, backed by Airs To Pass On Yule -- mount your capos, gentlemen -- it's in B Flatulent, take your note from Mister Spaw over there, lately the honored recipient of his own Bud Light commercial!! Farternakle, indeed!! Good thing I had my cup away from my lip or Jen would be getting a bill for a new keyboard!! A |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: GUEST,JennyO Date: 16 Dec 02 - 10:49 PM Oh goodie, I haven't missed out on the roasted aurochs after all. (stuffs herself). Nice doggie , here boy. Just bring that bone over here. I could do with another tipper for all my bodhrans! But what's this they've done to the Guiness?(shivers) |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Dead Horse Date: 16 Dec 02 - 08:29 PM ..........like Vandals.....not Visi Goths.... Shit. Forget it. If you think I look good in a basque, you should see me in my little black dress I wear as Molly for the Hood'nin' (I kid you, not) Thanks Morti, at last I have something in my size that i can wear underneath. Saves the old bum from freezin'. Talkin' of old bums, what has Gareth been up to with the K.K.K? Bein' an effnik minority he should mind his ass when out with that lot, or he might find his Hob Y Derries danglin' from an old oak tree! (and serve him right, too, Castin' haspershuns on us simple Kentish chaps) |
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Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02 From: Dead Horse Date: 16 Dec 02 - 08:15 PM Fartanackle Choir! Is nothin' sacred, you bunch of ....(can't think of the word....it'll come........ |