BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Uncle DaveO
Date: 30 Jun 05 - 11:31 AM

Doktor, Doktor:

I will just point out that this is a JOKE thread!

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Doktor Doktor
Date: 30 Jun 05 - 04:57 AM

Contribution from Mary Hinge, Wassail exponent & part-time Mother Christmas in reply to
IT'S NOT DIFFICULT TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY, A MAN ONLY NEEDS TO BE:

This girl isn't normally cynical - she's just veryu experienced ...

1. a friend                   yes
2. a companion                yes         
3. a lover                yes
4. a brother                no thanks! have you met my brother?
5. a father                no, I'm not a baby!
6. a master                NOT!
7. a chef                sometimes useful
8. an electrician        sometimes useful but I can fix the plug!
9. a carpenter                well...
10. a plumber                no, we've got a decent plumber and I can change a washer!        
11. a mechanic                hm!
12. a decorator                I do 'not bad'decorating myslf actually
13. a stylist                for what for God's sake?
14. a sexologist        so they fail!
15. a gynaecologist        so they fail!
16. a psychologist        what are you trying to say exactly?
17. a pest exterminator no, there's no crocs round here and I can cope with insects, spiders, mice etc.
18. a psychiatrist        what are you trying to say exactly?
19. a healer                WHAT'S WRONG WITH A STICKING PLASTER?
20. a good listener        sounds nice but hard on the deaf blokes!
21. an organiser        ha ha ha        
22. a good father        useful
23. very clean                ha ha ha
24. sympathetic                to what?
25. athletic                ha ha ha
26. warm                hot stuff preferable
27. attentive                oh how sweet
28. gallant                OK
29. intelligent                OK
30. funny                well, they are aren't they?
31. creative                not in accounting or excuse-making
32. tender                OK
33. strong                OK
34. understanding        OK
35. tolerant                yes, very!
36. prudent                oh please!
37. ambitious                why?
38. capable                at what?
39. courageous                OK
40. determined                Ok
41. true                OK
42. dependable                OK
43. passionate                 yes, yes, yes!


WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44. give her compliments regularly        this can seem insincere if overdone!
45. love shopping                        don't know why, I hate it!
46. be honest                                YES
47. be very rich                        no, enough's enough
48. not stress her out                        I don't get easily stressed
49. not look at other girls                 No, I'd rather a man be normal!

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself                bullshit!
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself                        bullshit!
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes                 don't quite get this one!

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

53. Never to forget:
* birthdays                
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes         

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY :

1.Shag him
2.Feed him
3.Not mind his mess
4.Wash his shirts, trousers, socks, pants, etc.
5.Iron his shirts, trousers, socks, pants, etc.
6.Laugh at his jokes
7.File his papers
8.Make the bed
9.Clean up the bathroom (seat to be left in "up" position)
10.Keep quiet while the football/cricket/etc. are on
11.Boost his ego
12.Make a fuss when he has a snivel, hang nail, scratch, etc.
13.Get ready to go out quickly (well instantly, actually)
14.Be tradesman's labourer if he decides to be a plumber, carpenter, electrician or chef.
15.Sew on buttons and do other mends.

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 29 Jun 05 - 03:17 PM

"Lost in Wal-Mart"

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's okay, It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"

To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: JennyO
Date: 29 Jun 05 - 12:15 PM

Ah there it is again - the flush of a distant toilet! Oh Ebbieeeeeeeee..........

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 29 Jun 05 - 05:55 AM

Got ya!

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST
Date: 29 Jun 05 - 05:42 AM

And the joke is ?

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 29 Jun 05 - 05:25 AM

The Village Idiot by Jim Mullen

http://www.comics.com/columns/CB_select_sample.html#c1

The Unhandy Man

Sue can always find some silly excuse to go to the Home Depot. Like if we don't patch the roof the ceilings will collapse. If we don't replace the three missing risers on front porch steps someone will sue us. If we don't get a new freezer all the food will spoil. She needs grout. She needs spackle. I am a city boy, I know nothing about this stuff. Half the time I think she's talking about making dinner.

"Pick up a nice little wine, dear, we're having Braised Grout Stuffed with Spackle on a Bed of Wilted Frisee and Sauted Wild Mushrooms.'"

And I don't want to know anything about it. The three scariest words in the English language to me are "Do It Yourself." Why on Earth would you want do it yourself when you can pay someone else to do it for you?

The sheer size of places like Home Depot and Lowes prove I'm in the minority here but their size should also be a warning sign to all homeowners. When we were renting an apartment in the city our friends would always wag their fingers and say, "You're just throwing money away on rent. If you bought a house all that rent money would be equity." So we bought a house in country. Now all that money is equity. For Home Depot.

Don't believe me? Try to find a parking space at one. You have to drive around for a half hour waiting for someone to leave. Some of them are open 24/7. I saw a sign in their lumber department once that said, "No wood cut after 10:30 p.m." If so many people want their wood cut after 10:30 p.m. that they had to make a sign, we are in the middle of a national do-it-yourself epidemic. No contractor I know is working at 10:30 p.m. It's hard enough to get them to work at 10:30 a.m.

The Home Depot shoppers are obsessed with kitchens and bathrooms. If they're not remodeling them, they're adding new ones. I expect to start seeing real estate ads soon that read "Nine bathroom, two-bedroom home, newly remodeled professional kitchen with cathedral ceiling, granite counter tops, Viking stove, sink carved from a solid block of Carrara marble. Second bedroom could be turned into a tenth bathroom."

Home improvement stores are full of guys (well, except for my wife and scads of other women like her with lazy, loser, good-for-nothing,
butt-glued-to-the-sofa husbands) who are going to install hot tubs and Jacuzzis by themselves. Guys who are buying pressure hoses to clean their decks, decks that they built with wood that they bought here and presumably had cut before 10:30 p.m. There are guys buying tools to cut bathroom tile, tools to cut pipe, tools to cut wire.

On one trip I had to use the restroom which always seems to be a two mile walk from the front door, past guys who are buying screen doors, 4"x 8"s, miter boxes, arc welders, PVC pipe, crushed marble and hardware cloth. I get to the Men's Room, walk up to the urinal and it's full. It seems I have discovered the one thing do-it-yourselfers can't do. I'm in a store full of guys who can install a toilet, they just can't flush one.

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Jun 05 - 07:34 PM

The Pond

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond suitable for swimming in the back, with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard girlish voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator!"

          Moral: Old men can still think fast.

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Firecat
Date: 27 Jun 05 - 01:04 PM

Found this on Countdown.

There was a long line of moles digging a tunnel when the littlest one, who was at the back shouted "Daddy, I can smell treacle!". Daddy Mole went down to the back of the line, had a sniff and looked at the little one. "Don't be stupid, that's not treacle," he said. " You can smell mole-asses."

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Mrr
Date: 27 Jun 05 - 12:56 PM

From my son, the punster, who disobeyed my edict to dress for dinner. You're nude, I said. Well, he replied instantly, pointing to the cat who'd been recently fixed - she's neuter!

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 27 Jun 05 - 03:37 AM

Midchuck - thanks for the illustrated information by which I finally learned the thruth: I used to think that women are leading men by the nose, propably up the garden path, but now I see that it doesn't look like the narrow path. All my thoughts about the ways of the world seem to have been mere guesswork up to now.

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 27 Jun 05 - 03:15 AM

CREATION STORY

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Crème Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"

And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them.

And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side.

And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?"

And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. Then Satan created the NHS.

Thought for the day.... There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 26 Jun 05 - 10:19 AM

IT'S NOT DIFFICULT TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY, A MAN ONLY NEEDS TO BE:

1.    a friend
2.    a companion
3.    a lover
4.    a brother
5.    a father
6.    a master
7.    a chef
8.    an electrician
9.    a carpenter
10.   a plumber
11.   a mechanic
12.   a decorator
13.   a stylist
14.   a sexologist
15.   a gynaecologist
16.   a psychologist
17.   a pest exterminator
18.   a psychiatrist
19.   a healer
20.   a good listener
21.   an organiser
22.   a good father
23.   very clean
24.   sympathetic
25.   athletic
26.   warm
27.   attentive
28.   gallant
29.   intelligent
30.   funny
31.   creative
32.   tender
33.   strong
34.   understanding
35.   tolerant
36.   prudent
37.   ambitious
38.   capable
39.   courageous
40.   determined
41.   true
42.   dependable
43.   passionate


WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44.   give her compliments regularly
45.   love shopping
46.   be honest
47.   be very rich
48.   not stress her out
49.   not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50.   give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51.   give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52.   give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

53.   Never to forget:
    * birthdays
    * anniversaries
    * arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY :

1.Shag him
2.Feed him

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Jun 05 - 05:15 PM

"Quips"

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

Taxpayers can use the short form or the long form. Any way you pay your taxes, it won't be long before you're short.

TV has come a long way. First it was black and white; then it was color; now it's off color.

Always buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes. When you're not in one, you'll be in the other.

On the highway, a small automobile being pulled by a motor home displayed a sign in its rear window reading "I go where I'm towed."

Just think of all the income tax checks on their way to the IRS. This is one time of the year when you don't hear anybody complaining about slow mail service.

I call out to my higher power to show me the error of my ways, give me the guidance so I do not repeat my mistakes, and the right words so that I can talk my way out of this ticket.

There are two basic rules for driving: Don't endanger the drivers in front of you and don't enrage the drivers behind you.

I'll tell you who wants to save daylight! A bunch of old men in Washington who can't remember how to have fun in the dark.

There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or tell your kids not to do it.

I got a soccer mom and a NASCAR dad.

Inquiring California politicians want to know: Can you still tax property that has slid into the ocean?

The IRS ought to serve coffee and doughnuts. The Red Cross always does when IT takes your blood.

Politicians love tax time. It's the only revenge they have for us laughing at them the rest of the year.

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: MudGuard
Date: 23 Jun 05 - 04:58 PM

Yes, Midchuck, that's reality.
The woman as usual has more shoes than the man ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Bill D
Date: 23 Jun 05 - 12:44 PM

I dunno, Midchuck...can't see why he'd NEED persuasion to follow her! *grin*

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Jun 05 - 11:45 AM

"Travel Companions"

Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight. After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a low voice, "General, United States Army, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."

After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tightlipped smile, "General, United States Air Force, retired. Married, two sons, both judges."

After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye, he proclaims, "Master Gunnery Sergeant, United States Marine Corps, retired. Never married, two sons, both Generals!"

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Midchuck
Date: 23 Jun 05 - 11:41 AM

A while ago, a friend sent me an e-mail entitled, simply, The Way It Really Is.

Since they don't want graphics on here, I put it on my free web space and I'll try to set up a link:

(Mature Audiences Only!)

Peter.

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: dwditty
Date: 23 Jun 05 - 11:19 AM

Procrastinator's top 10 list:

10.

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Wolfgang
Date: 23 Jun 05 - 09:16 AM

Wilfried, the second post wasn't a joke, gnu was just repeating the punchline of the first joke for the slow among us.

Wolfgang (grin)

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 23 Jun 05 - 09:13 AM

Bad start - did last a long while until understood the first joke (answer is nothing? am I right), but joke nr 2 I didn't understand at all.

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: gnu
Date: 23 Jun 05 - 07:43 AM

Subject: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 23 Jun 05 - 07:39 AM

---

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

---

Well the Second Joke Thread for 2005 has been idle for a while and getting lengthy to load, and is now all tangled up due to the crash, so we'll start number 3.... intentionally....

~~~~~~~~

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and No 1 in the
Top Ten Things Men Know About Women