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BS: Joke thread for 2025
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 13 Jul 25 - 10:56 AM Found this, once I'd waded through the small ads in The Compleat Ankh-Morpork City Guide, and discovered the Clubs and Societies section:
The nearby panel advertisement shows a chap sat on a chair playing a piano-accordion, with a notice on the wall behind him saying DO NOT DISTURB. At his side is a woman sitting arms folded, with a facial expression best described as "seriously dischuffed, but determined to not explode .... yet". |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Aethelric Date: 13 Jul 25 - 10:21 AM The lawyer said, “Your honour, he was a drunk as a judge” The judge said “You mean as drunk as a lord?” The lawyer said “Yes, sorry m’ Lord” Just then a man wearing a top coat, cap, and scarf came into the courtroom and ran around all the females present feeling their breasts. The next day the newspaper said “At the lawyers comment, a muffled titter ran around the courtroom” |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 13 Jul 25 - 09:54 AM Goodbye Cruel World by Sue Acide Harassment by Percy Kuwshiun |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 13 Jul 25 - 05:46 AM Trump had his periodic colonoscopy last week, they didn't find anything but his head. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Aethelric Date: 09 Jul 25 - 10:22 AM "I'm sorry miss, I can't allow you to come in here topless" "But I have a perfect right" "Your left isn't bad either, but your still nor coming in." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 09 Jul 25 - 10:11 AM A 96-year-old man is sitting alone in the corner in a pub enjoying his pint. But two little old ladies on the other side of the bar have spotted him and they keep on talking and pointing to him. Eventually, one of them goes over to the man and she says, "Excuse me, but we think we know you. Weren't you part of a strong man act sometime ago?" The old man says, "Well yes I was. But that was an awful long time ago, at least 60 years!" The old woman said to him, "I seem to remember as part of your act in those days you could bend an iron bar over your willy! Can you still do that trick?" So he said to her,"Well, I can't do that anymore because my wrists have gone.-... *** Dunno about that bloke but I am getting stronger as I get older. When I was 27 I couldn't bend my willy. Now, at 72, I find it easy |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver Date: 09 Jul 25 - 09:07 AM A young lady went to a tattoo parlour and asked for a tattoo of Elvis on her inner thigh.. She takes off her trousers and panties and the tattooist does one which she is not happy with so he does one of her other inner thigh but she is still not happy. He gets a bit exasperated and says that he will get a lady off the street to look at them and if she doesn't recognise who it is she can have them for free. He brings a lady in and asks her if she recognises the tattooed faces. She said. 'Well I don't recognise the twins but the one in the middle is Trump!!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 07 Jul 25 - 01:14 PM And you always have to watch for the silent P in Wranglers... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 06 Jul 25 - 12:41 PM Fading Away by Peter Innout |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 06 Jul 25 - 11:31 AM Ach, gillymor: That reminds me of the time (which I'm sure I must have mentioned before) when we took Socrates and Ptolemy to the vet's for the first time. The receptionist read the card, and was saying "Socrates, and .... I don't know how to pronounce this ....", and I missed the opportunity of a lifetime to say "the P is silent, as in 'bath'". |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 06 Jul 25 - 10:12 AM Why doesn't a pterodactyl make any noise when it urinates? The “p” is silent. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 05 Jul 25 - 07:51 AM In the same vein - one from Steve :-) A chap is chatting to his butcher when a large dog comes into the shop with a bag round its neck. "Good morning Fido," sez the butcher. "And how many steaks is it today?" "Woof woof!" So the butcher puts two steaks into the dog's bag. "And how many pork chops?" "Woof woof woof woof!" So into the bag go four chops. "And how many pounds of mince?" "Woof woof woof!" In go the three pounds of mince. The butcher takes a twenty pound note out of the side pocket of the bag and puts some small change back in. Off trots the dog on its way home. The chap is so impressed that he decides to follow the dog home to see what happens next. When the dog arrives at its house, it barks like mad and scratches at the front door. A woman opens the door and in goes the dog. The chap sez to her, "Excuse me, but I just have to say that you have a remarkably clever dog there..." "Huh, he's not as clever as you think," sez she. "That's the third time this week that he's forgotten his key..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 04 Jul 25 - 03:14 PM good on you mate. A guy is driving around the back woods of Maryland and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep" the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars" the guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver Date: 04 Jul 25 - 01:46 PM I didn't Donuel!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 03 Jul 25 - 07:06 AM don't look |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 03 Jul 25 - 06:47 AM Get Rid Of Your Possessions by Lester Worriebout |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 03 Jul 25 - 04:21 AM Yes, Don, you were told by a moderator not to post to this thread any longer, for obvious reasons. I remember it well because you threw such a hissy fit. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 02 Jul 25 - 04:05 PM While not banned, to gilymor's delight, I was gelded by chainsaw, acid attacked, dehumanized, defamed, and drawn and quartered. All posts are now done by AI. Long live Dave Chappel. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 02 Jul 25 - 01:39 PM Rescuing frozen cattle by Thora Hird. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 02 Jul 25 - 07:16 AM Don, the second entry in your last post was crude, tasteless and the opposite of funny. Btw, weren't you banned from posting in this thread? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 02 Jul 25 - 06:01 AM Tiger's Revenge by Claude Ballz. Masectomies by Vladimir Nibblatitsov. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 02 Jul 25 - 05:52 AM From Ken Dodd c 1969 - Russian Strip Tease artist - Eza Vestoff. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 29 Jun 25 - 05:46 PM Eating Disorders by Anna Recksia |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 29 Jun 25 - 03:14 PM Drinking To Excess by Al Coholic Empty Glass by Phil Ettup |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 29 Jun 25 - 09:29 AM Damn you Gilly! :-D So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.' |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 29 Jun 25 - 08:41 AM Marvin the magician was bitten by his rental snake and suffered a reptile dysfunction. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 29 Jun 25 - 07:17 AM Here's a chance to bag a 300, Dave. Whoops |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 29 Jun 25 - 07:15 AM In case no one's heard this one- A guy walks into his shrink's office wearing nothing but a piece of plastic wrap around his waist. The doctor says, "I can clearly see you're nuts." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 29 Jun 25 - 07:02 AM So this flasher was going to retire but he decided to stick it out for one more year. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 29 Jun 25 - 05:48 AM From the front-matter page of How it works: THE CAT:
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 28 Jun 25 - 03:27 PM An 80-year-old man goes to his GP "Doctor, I'm not getting any fun out of sex anymore". "Not getting any fun out of sex anymore and you're eighty and your wife's seventy-nine?! When did you first notice this?!" "Twice last night then again this morning". |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 28 Jun 25 - 01:47 PM Credit where it is due. I liked the fsh one, Don. New slant on an old joke :-) Talking of old, I went to the doctors this morning to ask him to lower my sex drive. He said, "come off it. At 72 it's all in your mind." I said, "yes, that's why I want it lowering" :-D |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 27 Jun 25 - 05:00 PM Cave fsh have no eyes. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Black belt caterpillar wrestler Date: 27 Jun 25 - 03:35 PM "Skin diseases" by Ivan Elevanitch. Robin |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 27 Jun 25 - 01:20 PM Glad to be of some use, Gilly. Lol |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 27 Jun 25 - 12:02 PM Russian snooker by Inoff the Red Russian castration by Ivor Bollokov |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 27 Jun 25 - 11:52 AM Inevitability by Fred Soh (you inspired that one, Fred) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 27 Jun 25 - 10:53 AM Wills by Benny Fishery |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 27 Jun 25 - 10:42 AM Contempt For Human Nature by Miss Ann Thropy Amphibians by Newt and Sally Mander |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 27 Jun 25 - 09:57 AM As a wheel fell off a bus, the driver stopped, got out and burst into song..... "You picked a fine time to leave me, loose wheel!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 27 Jun 25 - 03:44 AM I saw a man going uphill with a trolley full of four leaf clovers, horseshoes and rabbits' feet. I thought: "He's pushing his luck..." Talking of pushing his luck... How about thought for today. Try to post jokes :-D |
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Subject: Religious Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 25 Jun 25 - 04:55 PM A Preacher was ‘sounding off’ from the pulpit. “Nobody is perfect”, he said. “Hands up anyone here who thinks they are perfect”. There was no response from the congregation, so he tried again: “Hands up anyone here who is perfect “. A little man towards the back slowly raised his hand…… “Are you telling me you’re perfect?” asked the preacher, “No” said the man “I’m speaking on behalf of my wife’s first husband”. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 15 Jun 25 - 11:41 AM That's the way to do it... :-) Use truncheon instead of nightstick though if you want it to be proper British! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver Date: 14 Jun 25 - 05:46 PM Not sure ourAmerican friends will understand this one..who knows? You can't even go to the seaside now without witnessing violence and outrageous behaviour. There was a man and a woman on the beach arguing in front of a group of children. She actually hit him in the face and they both ended up hitting each other. A policeman arrived to sort the problem and had to use his nightstick to hit the man. However, the man wrestled the nightstick of the policeman and started beating him with it......... then a crocodile appeared and ran off with some sausages!!!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Rain Dog Date: 14 Jun 25 - 03:25 PM Something I remember from approx. 50 to 55 years ago. You probably have to be from the same generation as myself to recognise the pun. What do you call someone who looks down rabbit holes? A burrow surveyor. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 14 Jun 25 - 10:51 AM Voice Amplification by Mike Raphone Coffee Maker by Phil Turr Dog's Dinner by Nora Bone |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 14 Jun 25 - 06:21 AM A woman had had some blood tests at her local doctors' surgery. She was unable to collect the results herself so she asked her husband to call in and pick them up for her. When he told the receptionist his wife's name, the receptionist hesitated and said "Er, just wait a minute, sir, while I call the doctor to see you..." So the doc came in and said to the bloke, "I'm really sorry Mr Smith, but when your wife came in there was another Mrs Smith in at the same time giving samples, and we've got their results mixed up..." "Well can't you just do the tests again?" "Well, the tests are very expensive and your medical insurance wouldn't finance a repeat..." "Well why not just give me the results of both women and maybe we can work it out.." "Hmmm, Well OK, but I need to tell you that one woman's tests showed that she has dementia and the other showed gonorrhoea..." "Blimey doc, so what would you advise?" "Well, if it were my wife, I'd drop her off in town for a shopping trip. If she made it home I wouldn't have sex with her..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 13 Jun 25 - 08:29 PM Dreadful Titles by Fred Bled What do you call a writer who doesn't follow the rules of sentence structure? A rebel without a clause. What has twenty-seven actors, three settings, two writers, and one plot? Six hundred and seventy-one Hallmark movies. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 13 Jun 25 - 12:25 PM American Independence by Bertha Vanation |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 13 Jun 25 - 12:09 PM The Joys Of Motoring by Ivor Crankshaft |
