Summer Story:Incredible Mudcat Journey

Subject: RE: Summer Story:Incredible Mudcat Journey
From: MMario
Date: 24 Jun 01 - 10:21 PM

*snore,snore,snuffle, snore*

Subject: RE: Summer Story:Incredible Mudcat Journey
From: Peter T.
Date: 23 Jun 01 - 01:08 PM

Everyone settled down a little warily, after a few rounds of self-congratulation, and the Dog telling me off, using language that under ordinary circumstances would have certainly made us go round the triangulation route -- teeter-totter, playpen, elm at the back of the yard, and back down to the teeter-totter and so on -- until dinnertime. Bear came back, snuffling a bit, and extremely wet, with the news that there was a stream into which he had fallen during his mad race away from his namesake. Ralph, Roister, and Doister had completely forgotten the episode, and were scurrying around each other as usual, poking each other and laughing. You really wanted to mash them with a tennis racket. I might get around to it. The others crowded around a makeshift circle.

"Alright," I said, "Meeting to order."
"Fish'n'chips!" piped up Ralph. This dissolved the trio. There must be a tennis racket in a box somewhere.
"Dog and I think that the smartest thing to do, in spite of the grisly surroundings" - no response, wasted, really -- "is to stick around here for a day or two, until we can be sure that the humans aren't coming."
Skippy began howling.
"Not all that useful, Skippy, but do you have something else to contribute?"
Skippy howled: "Wherererere are they? Wherererere is my dinner?"
Dog said, cooly: "There is dry food in the bags in that box over there. We can slice them open, and we will have food. Your owners have just gone out for awhile."
Skippy quieted down, mollified, but bewildered.
Surprisingly, Monty Python edged into the circle.
"Ssssseems to me that that iss a good plan. It iss sssummer and not too cold, even for me at night. They will fly back here tomorrow, when the ssssun comes. "< br> Parrot, still up in the tree, whistled down, "Agree, agree. I can keep a first watch, bong, bong, bong. 3 Bells and alls well, pheeooooh."
"You didn't do too badly up to this point, Parrot."
"Aye, Aye, Mu-- Marlene. Aye, aye."
"O.K., Anyone object? Turtle? Where is the turtle? " The turtle was rummaging in one of the boxes. "Turtle???" He poked his wrinkled head out.
"Oh, just looking for shiny objects." He said slowly. "Don't mind me."
"Why are you looking for shiny objects?" I asked
"Humans move real fast, especially in airplanes. They slow down to look at shiny objects. If we find any, we should sprinkle them around the crash site in the morning, just in case they can't see the trees for the forest. At least that is what I think. "
Griffon perked up his shredeared head: "Well, I don't know if this is good or bad luck, but there is a busted halflength mirror over here. I was admiring myself in it earlier."
The meeting broke up for the moment, and some went for the food, and the rest of us went for the mirror, and dug around for some more shiny objects, and then it was nighttime.

Subject: RE: Summer Story:Incredible Mudcat Journey
From: JenEllen
Date: 20 Jun 01 - 07:20 PM

Griffon shot awake in the lumbering presence of the biggest piece of meat he'd ever seen. Not unlike the pictures in the reference section of the bookstore. Filed under 'G'- right after "gawdamighty that's a big 'un", there was "Grizzly Bear".
He leapt from the carrier just in time to see his dogBear scooting off into the trees like the time the neighbor kids tried to stick bottle rockets where you want them lit them the least. Stupid, worthless dogs anyway.
He heard the banshee howl, and saw the pouty Persian astride the Shepherd. He would have laughed, if he hadn't seen this sight from between the hind legs of a swiftly retreating Grizz. Of course he zigged when he should of zagged. If you had met him in the bookstore, he would have been proud to walk you outside and show you the line from which he came. Father, Mother, and siblings, nothing remaining but greasy spots in the gutter along Main Street USA. Not one of them able to dodge anything more substantial than a Yugo, and something quite a bit more substantial was, pardon the pun, bearing down on him now.
Grizz's right foot came down on his tail. Yeowch to say the very least. He curled around and shredded the ankle that was all together too conveniently near his bum. The Grizz looked down at him, jumped back in surprise, and landed left foot right, square on to Monty's tail. In the time it takes a dog to eat breakfast, the bear was gone, and Griffon found himself staring into the eyes of the flattened python. The snake hissed a sigh, not unlike the air being let out of a tire, and collapsed to the ground. His tail, and the snake's now too, looked like designer paddle covers for the Olympic ping-pong teams.
Oh to go home!!! Dinner that was served instead of having to be caught and unwrapped, and his cozy little litterpan nestled in amongst the Danielle Steele novels. They needed to get out of here, and how. These thoughts unfurled in his head like so many rolls of toilet paper as he wandered around to check on the remaining travelers. Everyone was okay, in their fear they'd all shed enough hair to build another Grizz, but they were all in one piece.

Subject: RE: Summer Story:Incredible Mudcat Journey
From: Mary in Kentucky
Date: 20 Jun 01 - 06:19 PM

and Skippy said, "yap!" (little fella likes to have the last word)

Subject: RE: Summer Story:Incredible Mudcat Journey
From: Peter T.
Date: 20 Jun 01 - 05:32 PM

I was just getting around to thinking about the agenda for the group meeting, and whether mouse canapes would be appropriate, when -- well, how can I describe this? Remember the film Close Encounters of the 3rd Kind (no cats, but not a bad film in its way, though if they were going to depict higher life forms, they could at least have given the creatures 4 legs, but anyway)? Well, if not, there is this scene where the scientists have created a landing space for the space ship, and they are tinkering away, and suddenly all these flying saucers appear, and they nod their heads, and say, cool, flying saucers, when are they going to land, is there any beer tucked behind that radar unit, etc., and then they look up and they see the Mother Ship, which is not a flying saucer, but more like an entire dinner setting, complete with chandelier, and the scientists look at each other and all they can say is, boy are we in trouble.

That is a bit of what it was like way speeded up when this animal arrived. There are animals, and there are ANIMALS. Big grizzly bear, on all fours, bad yes, scary yes, big round face, full of teeth ---AND THEN IT STOOD UP AND GROWLED!!!

The first thing that happened was Ralph, Roister, and Doister leapt about 5 feet into the air, and in mid air, crashed and balled into each other like those parachute trick divers people you see, and spun wildly around before hitting the ground in one big screaming guinea pig ball, and splitting up and scattering. Parrot flew wildly around sqwaking about Boarders, Man Overboard, and other nonsense!! Bear SAW A BEAR, and decided that he would have to have a conversation with the owners when he got back to civilization, which could not happen too soon for his blood, and he hightailed it out of there. Dog backed up a step, took in the scene coolly for a moment, trying to figure out an escape route, but his calm was shattered (I shamefully admit) by the fact that I attempted to emulate the Tumbling Tombolo Brothers who used to appear on Ed Sullivan, and hurled myself in panic onto Dog's back, and dug my claws hard into him, upon which he bucked forwards in pain like a loco horse towards the grizzly bear, who, upon seeing a howling Dog hurtling towards it with a panicked Cat on its back, took three steps backward, at which point it stepped on Griffon, who had for some reason zigged when he should have zagged, who shrieked underfoot, and the bear took another step backward and tripped over Monty the Python, who rose up vertically in pain like a distended fire hose, and that was enough excitement for one afternoon, and the bear lumbered off.

There was a brief pause. Then the turtle, who had been watching all this from the top of his box drawled: "I shore would pay a lot to see you do that again."

Subject: RE: Summer Story:Incredible Mudcat Journey
From: MMario
Date: 20 Jun 01 - 11:28 AM

Caruso scratched with a talon at the side of his beak, trying to decipher the excited yapping of the Yorkie bounding about below. Parrots are prretty good with languages, but the Yorkie accent made their dialect nearly impossible to understand.

"I think he says there is a rug coming through the trees."

Subject: RE: Summer Story:Incredible Mudcat Journey
From: Mary in Kentucky
Date: 20 Jun 01 - 09:21 AM

Skippy, the Yorkshire Terrorist, sees a bear approaching and alerts the gang.

"yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap grrrr yap yap yap"

Subject: RE: Summer Story:Incredible Mudcat Journey
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 19 Jun 01 - 01:58 PM

Gordon Heavyfoot was focussing his attention on a large, rotten trunk of fallen lodgepole pine. He was ripping at the bark with his fore-paws while a myriad of ants swarmed helter-skelter out of the heart of the log. Gordon extended his extra long grizzly bear tongue into the big hole in the trunk, and pulled it out coated with the little red insects, which he schlurped into his mouth, licking at the fugitives who had attempted escape through his facial hair. "Come back here, fellows," he said, " you lads had better stick together, eh? Takes a lot of you buggers to make a snack for old Gord, and you wouldn't want to deny him satisfaction now, would you?"

Gordon went back to ripping the log apart, all the while singing to himself

If you could read a bear's mind
What a tale his thoughts would tell
Always thinkin of salmon and berries
or anything else his nose can smell
Like an aging elk or a wounded deer
In need of sympathy
That sympathetic bear is me
And I will never leave them be
Until I turn them into lunch for me

Gordon shook his head to shed some of the rainwater that had been trickling down between his eyes, and mumbled " boy howdy this here is some miserable dang weather for sure." It was just then that his good ear detected the hum of the engine of an airplane overhead, and Gord looked up to see the craft swoop low, and suddenly drop a number of objects into the trees not far away. Now Gordon had once been the recipient of half a salami sandwich on rye flung out of the window of a bush plane passing overhead, so one thought occurred to him..."if them boxes are full of salami sandwiches, it is for sure old Gord's lucky day, by golly!"

Leaving the ants to try to re-assemble the fragments of their devastated home, Gordon Heavyfoot ambled off toward the cache of salami sandwiches, mumbling "see you fellows tomorrow bout the same time."

Subject: RE: Summer Story:Incredible Mudcat Journey
From: English Jon
Date: 19 Jun 01 - 11:42 AM

Corrrrrrnerrrred in the damp forrrrest wiv a dog is not the bessed plaice forakat, so I fort to micelf "ditch da dog atafirzopachoonitee". I weighted until the daftolebugger woz asleap (well alright, I beat him insensibul wiv my pause an then I sliped off sharpish into de twylyte. Corrr. Dat ole dog wozunt two bad az dogz go but ee didnarf penanink. der iz nufink kwite as unplezant as de wiff of de damp dogg. Anyway, for da moment I woz free ov im an I desided too get sum cafoo at the firsopachonitee. Soown I fownd a trak leeding into a huming settulmunt. I made my weigh jinjerly dounit towards de lytez. Shit it woz a bleedin HGV rattlinalong ata fairole pase. Corrrrr. neerly losst wun ov me lyvez. shit. Anyway, apaht from a fyoo embarrasmuntz ov that naytchur, I woz soon safely in de town wiv de big dimwit humingz. Now de first owse I tried, der woz no bugger atome, so I went roundebak and ad a bitovasniff at de binz, well, slim pickins theyre. Jusaload of dirtee magazeenz an de contentz of de hoova.

I triyed the nex owse an was rudelee struck abowt de hyndecorrrtaz wiv de boot ov a big bugger wiv a nalergee. Cor shitt. But soon I ad foun a noleladee. oleadeez iz alwayz a gud tuch for de caffooo, but ya do ave to sitt upp an begg wich iz a bit shit reely.

Anyweigh, soon I ad filled me bely wiv caffooo and i fort eyed betta be movinon. I ad a rare pang ov conshuns an I fort id betta gow bak for de silleeoledogg.

English Jon's Cat

Subject: RE: Summer Story:Incredible Mudcat Journey
From: Peter T.
Date: 19 Jun 01 - 08:40 AM

"Hello, Dog," I said evenly, sliding in front of his overturned cage.
"Hello, Cat, you bastard," said Dog. "Open the cage."
Have I mentioned that Dog and I were not exactly pals? Dog is one of those medium sized German shepherds, but a real cool customer. It was a pleasure fighting with him. Most dogs are useless, especially suburban dogs. They lose control way too early in the game. Dog was one of those dogs who would slow down, rather than speed up when he had you on the run, so as to keep you in his sights. He wasn't great on cornering, which is always important, but other than that. To tell you the actual truth, he was a pretty good dog (if you are big on dogs, spit).
Also he was not a dog you mess with, if you get me. Very early on in our war, we had gotten beyond the mere trivia of names, and were down to the basics, Dog, Cat. None of this Muffy and Roofie crap. So I opened the cage.
He climbed out. "Where are we, Cat?"
"Truth is, Dog, I don't know. We were flying for a long time."
"I wonder how long it will be before they notice we are gone." He padded around the array of busted boxes, checking it out. "There's some food here, not in cans, thank goodness."
"What do you think, Dog?"
"I would avoid a rush to judgement here, Cat, which is not your style, but give it a try."
"To tell you the truth, Dog, my instinct is to dump all these critters, and move out on my own, and take my chances."
"You are a cat, Cat, which means that you don't give a shit about anyone else anyway, so that does not suprise me."
"Hey, did I get you out of the cage, or didn't I?"
Dog looked up at the sky. "At least the rain has stopped. Drives you crazy trying to get your smells in order." He sniffed. "The big choice is, do we wait here for rescue, or do we head out. Don't know. The smart thing would be to stay here, if we can find some real water. They are going to have to come looking -- after all," and here he nosed around in the wreckage for a few seconds -- "they lost their Scrabble game." One nice thing about Dog was that he was also not much on humans. "On the other hand, we might find some people in a homestead or a town somewhere nearby. It can't all be wilderness."
"I think that the best thing to do is to stay here for a day or two, and check out the neighborhood, and if nothing happens, then we go."
"One problem, Cat."
"Yes?"
"Where do we go, if we go?"
We looked out on the dark green forest all around us, still dripping with wetness pattering down. I didn't want to let Dog see it, but I was beginning to get scared and homesick, and we had been on the ground about 25 minutes.

Subject: RE: Summer Story:Incredible Mudcat Journey
From: Mary in Kentucky
Date: 18 Jun 01 - 09:48 PM

Skippy, the Yorkshire Terrorist, runs around yapping.

Speaking of food, I'm hungry. Is anybody gonna feed me? Do I have to beg? (I can, you know.)

It will soon be dark in this prime-evil forest. I'm scared. yap yap

Subject: RE: Summer Story:Incredible Mudcat Journey
From: rangeroger
Date: 18 Jun 01 - 09:07 PM

Monty stretched languidly in the sun,thinking, well I wasn't that hungry anyway. Damned loud mouth parrot.

"Miz Marlene Dercat, I thought you'd like to know that I do have a name. It is Monty.I will behave myself as a gentleman in the future as long as those rodents stay clear if I have hunger pangs."

Of course we could always serve the parrot up as a seagull if necessary"

Subject: RE: Summer Story:Incredible Mudcat Journey
From: JenEllen
Date: 18 Jun 01 - 03:03 PM

Griffon stretched, extending his rather massive claws and scraping them down a tree.
In a brief aside, he looked at Marlene and said, "It was thirty birds. The si-morgh meets the Simorgh, delightful." he licked his whiskers, "That would have made a nice lunch..."

"Now Bear, where is you collar? You know humans won't be able to tell who you are without your collar!" The pair began to look around the emptied carrier, Griffon, much less interestedly so than the dog. He thought briefly about just leaving the lump to his own devices (ha) and wondered if his mistress was having similar troubles with her human. Maybe both man and dog could be lost in the woods forever and life could go back to normal? At the very least it would give him something to dream about in cat-nap while the persian Pol-Pot was making her rounds. He jumped to the top of a crate, and watched the proceedings with half-closed eyes.

Subject: RE: Summer Story:Incredible Mudcat Journey
From: Mary in Kentucky
Date: 18 Jun 01 - 01:53 PM

yap yap yap yap yap -- over here! -- yap yap

I'm Skippy, the Yorkshire Terrorist, let me outta this cage. I know Skippy is a stupid human name. Why couldn't I be Rambo, or Brutus, or Taz, or Ulysses... I'm 5 lbs of rompin' stompin' terror, and I'll lead the way...uh is that primeval forest...when's supper? Who'll feed me? Any vacuum cleaners about? yap yap yap

Subject: RE: Summer Story:Incredible Mudcat Journey
From: MMario
Date: 18 Jun 01 - 01:50 PM

"No need to repeat yourself, Mu...uhhn...Marlene.

this is going to take some getting used to. boy is she touchy! ,

Sorry, I'll try to forget I ever knew that other name. In fact I've forgotten it."

"Yo! Hardshell, down there! What can we call you?"

Subject: RE: Summer Story:Incredible Mudcat Journey
From: Peter T.
Date: 18 Jun 01 - 01:34 PM

"Look, Enrico, don't push me. You don't call me THAT NAME and I won't tell them that Jolly Roger is the gay owner of the Pet Store you rode on the high seas! If you go back into your cage and look in the newspaper on the bottom of your cage you can read tomorrow's headline: SUBURBAN PARROT LOST AT SEA IN WILDERNESS, EATEN BY HAWK. So smarten up."

The turtle, who by this time had elbowed his way to the top of his box, sniffed the air, and said, in his slow drawl: "Mighty fresh air out here. Invigoratin'."
br>

Subject: RE: Summer Story:Incredible Mudcat Journey
From: Peter T.
Date: 18 Jun 01 - 01:32 PM

"Look, Enrico, don't push me. You don't call me THAT NAME and I won't tell them that Jolly Roger is the gay owner of the Pet Store you rode on the high seas! If you go back into your cage and look in the newspaper on the bottom of your cage you can read tomorrow's headline: SUBURBAN PARROT LOST AT SEA IN WILDERNESS, EATEN BY HAWK. So smarten up."

The turtle, who by this time had elbowed his way to the top of his box, sniffed the air, and said, in his slow drawl: "Mighty fresh air out here. Invigoratin'."
br>

Subject: RE: Summer Story:Incredible Mudcat Journey
From: MMario
Date: 18 Jun 01 - 12:41 PM

things are beginning to get interesting. But does anyone else have the urge to call the cavies "Reg, Reg and Reg?"

A quick flit about the clearing cleared the parrots head - and he settled down on a branch above the roiling, giggling pile of south american rodents surely there were more then three bodies in that pile?, keeping a cautious eye on the now quiescent python.

"What you find in that cage, eh Muffy? Another python? Maybe some puppies? White mice?

Hey! Lookit that! It's a droopy-assed galopagos saggy-butt tortoise! Haven't seen one of them since Hector was a pup, no offense intended of course!

Muffy! hey Muff! Anyone else in those other cages?"

Subject: RE: Summer Story:Incredible Mudcat Journey
From: Peter T.
Date: 18 Jun 01 - 11:58 AM

The guinea pigs shrieked, and the snake heaved forward, and I got between the snake and the pigs -- not really my favourite place to be on earth, but it was what Mrs. Hawkeye would have done -- and shouted: "ALLRIGHT LISTEN UP!!! THIS IS MARLENE SPEAKING. I WILL BE YOUR TOUR GUIDE AND DOMINATRIX DURING THIS TRIP. ALL YOU PETS STILL IN CAGES AND YOU THAT ARE OUT, WE ARE A ZILLION MILES FROM NOWHERE, AND WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET FROM HERE TO HOME, AND TO DO THAT WE NEED SOME NEUTRALITY!!!! NOBODY EATS ANYONE ELSE IN PRESENT COMPANY, O.K.!!! WHEN WE GET SORTED OUT, WE WILL TAKE A ROLL CALL AND TALK ABOUT WHAT TO DO NEXT. " Animals. Anyway, the snake shrugged, which is pretty good when you don't have shoulders, the pigs giggled, and the assorted animals still caged ruffed agreeement.

Up to this point I hadn't actually descended into despair, but I began to sympathise with that moment in "Sands of Iwo Jima" or whatever when John Wayne looks at the new recruits and shakes his head at the impossibility of it all. Count to this point, and I was still rummaging around:
(1) Parrot, Enrico Caruso, with delusions of piracy;
(1) Thank you Parrot, one snake (Python), no name, but not unlike a long stringy piece of luggage;
(1) Also thank you Parrot, 3 guinea pigs still alive (!) Ralph, Roiser, and Doister.
(1) DOG who I was leaving till last;
(1) Another Damn Dog (BEAR?);
(1) Griffon, a neutered cat, don't you hate modern medicine?
and that was the A Team to date.

It was about time to hold a meeting, but I thought I would check out another cage or two first. I dollied over to another cage, which had a water dish in it, and a couple of rocks, and that was about it. I was turning away, when a voice drawled:

"I would sure appreciate it if you could see your way to getting me out of the pen, ma'am, if you get a moment, I mean."

I don't know about you, but I am a sucker for politeness, being rude myself. The only problem was, I couldn't see anything in the darkness of the cage but the rocks. And then one of them moved. A turtle. Oh good. We should be back home round about the turn of the next millenium.

I shrugged, and opened the cage. He wasn't going anywhere fast.

Subject: RE: Summer Story:Incredible Mudcat Journey
From: Peter T.
Date: 18 Jun 01 - 11:27 AM

[Well, according to me, I get Marlene (NO: I AM MARLENE, HEAR ME ROAR, YEAH, RIGHT), and everyone else gets to be whoever they want. I imagined a few pets heading off into the wild, going home. On the other hand, those of you who have read Attar's "Conference of the Birds" will recall that in their search for the Mysterious Soul there were about 20. What do I know? I just dumped them into the wilderness.]

Subject: RE: Summer Story:Incredible Mudcat Journey
From: MMario
Date: 18 Jun 01 - 11:24 AM

flea-bitten daughter of a sphinx!

muttered Caruso as he finished clearing broken pieces of twig from the lock of his cage.

what I'm gonna do to her, don't care if I do break a primary - I'm gonna

.

He paused as he glanced up - not believing what he saw across the clearing- where Roister Boister and Ralph where engaged in...ah....well something. Rodents! Still, they were all in this together, truly, weren't they?

Taking a deep breath he shouted:

SNAKE!

Subject: RE: Summer Story:Incredible Mudcat Journey
From: katlaughing
Date: 18 Jun 01 - 12:40 AM

(Question: how many voices are we going to have for Marlene? any other cats and/or dogs around? Juts wondering.)

Subject: RE: Summer Story:Incredible Mudcat Journey
From: rangeroger
Date: 18 Jun 01 - 12:24 AM

Monty moved silently away from the shattered remains of his vivarium. His electric brick was now cold and he felt the need to explore.He had no idea what had happened and he really didn't care.He could taste small rodents in the air, and though he had fed a month or two before, it never hurt to stock up for those long lean periods when his human would not be able to buy rabbits.

His taste recetacles didn't betray him as his acute Burmese Python eyesite spotted three cavorting guinea pigs who seemed to be entwined in a ball of motion.

Monty slowed his creep to a crawl (2 miles a day +or- 2c).

He moved closer to the rolling ball of fur.

Silently.

sssssssssss.

Subject: RE: Summer Story:Incredible Mudcat Journey
From: JenEllen
Date: 17 Jun 01 - 09:25 PM

"OUT OUT OUT!!! GRIFF!! OUT OUT OUT OUT OUT!!!"
I walked over the rise and crouched down to peek through a fern at the next cage. It looked large enough to hold your average pony, and it's occupant was in a panic. Monosyllabic panic, in one teensy word.... dog....
I was quite prepared to turn tail and set off swinging like a brand-new doggie door, when out of the corner of my eye, I saw him. He came around to the front of the cage door and stuck his paw inside. He must have struck gold, for all I heard was a sharp yip, then silence as he slid the latch on the cage.
"THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!!" the big dumb pony howled as he shot from the cage and tumbled his saviour into the wet needles. The cat arched slightly and hissed at him, but the idiot paid no mind as he galloped around the ravine. I was watching this exhibition of supreme lack of intelligence instead of watching the cat, and he was sitting by my fern before you could say meow-mix.
"Ya see something ya like there, Toots?" he gave a snaggletooth grin down into the fern.
I hissed back, "It's not Toots, it's MARLENE!"
"Okay okay," he shrugged, "Don't get your whiskers in a knot...jeezMarlene...I'm Griffon, and that waste of good fur urinating on that tree over there? That's Bear."
"What? As in Bearly able to remember to breathe?" I replied, but the cat only nodded as he watched the dog.
"Yeah, he's a little light in the litterpan, if ya know what I mean....but he's okay for a dog."

With this obvious observation, the dog skidded to a halt in front of us and wildly sniffed the air, "Oh, Griff! Squirrel!!!"
Griffon perked his rather shredded ears for a second, but then walked to where the mutt stood, and took a swipe at him. "NO!"
"But Griff, wouldn't it be fun Griff??
"Yeah, and weren't you the one who also ate a pin-cushion? Remind me the motivation for that stroke of creative genius again??"
The big dog laid down and looked up at Griffon sheepishly and muttered, "'Coz poodles taste like chicken..."

"Now," started Griffon "You are all welcome to hang out in the wilds as long as you like, but I'm going to find my person. She's the first easy gig I've had in my whole life, and I'm not letting up that quickly." I shot him a withering glare, but he continued. "No, really, it's a whole different life when you choose them, instead of them choosing you. I got to choose my own name too. Beats the hell out of being a 'Fluffy'-(me cringing)- or whatever. She reads a lot, and I lay on her books...no more freezing my ass off in the alleys and dumping garbage cans for a living. Besides, I'm neutered now, it gives ya lots of time to think..."
"And what about him?" I nodded towards the great canine mistake that was rolling in a slime patch
"Bear? I dunno...He came with the man. I really didn't want either of them around, but there's just no talking sense. I mean, I pissed in the guy's shoes I don't know how many times and he just didn't get it....He and that dog are about equivalent in their thought processes...oh ye of little brains..." With that, he was gone. A flurry of fur in the brush, and then he returned, holding a small mouse in his teeth which he tossed up in the air and batted towards me with one 6-toed paw.

Subject: RE: Summer Story:Incredible Mudcat Journey
From: Mountain Dog
Date: 17 Jun 01 - 07:22 PM

"AWWWK! Who's a pretty Mud-Cat now?" squalled Caruso, nearly falling off his perch with mirth at my expense. I dealt the chortling fowl a deadly glance and repaired to a spot out of sight to clean myself off and effect much needed repairs to my dignity...

Subject: RE: Summer Story:Incredible Mudcat Journey
From: Peter T.
Date: 17 Jun 01 - 06:22 PM

I confess I jumped about 6 feet straight up. Which was a mistake on a wet pineneedle hummocked forest, since the moment I came back down I slipped and carommed off a log covered in fungus, and slimed myself in mud. That damn parrot. What do you call a soup that asks for its own crackers? Cream of Parrot Soup. And that was what I wanted to do to Enrico on an average day when the Millers across the way put him in the window and he whistled sea shanties and talked about his days with Captain Kidd who died about 3 hundred years ago, and Enrico had essentially sailed around Cape Pet-Store-in-the-Crossroads-Mall from egg on up, who did he think he was fooling?
"Pheeeoh," said Caruso, "Awwwk, awwkward, Bad Muffy, AAAk!"
I strolled up to the cage, and gave him the Medusa stare. He goggled at me in fear -- or maybe he just goggled, parrots not having a big range of facial expressions; i.e. goggling is about it.
"The name is Marlene, bird. You have two options. You can make with the cute Muffy talk and the bottles of rum and the ho ho ho and no one will hear you even if you do the death scene from Tosca because you will die in your cage a few crappy little aluminum bars from the big world out here, or you can clean your mouth and take your chances that I won't turn you into a pile of green feathers where you perch, and I might let you out sometime before THE SNOW FALLS. Think about it." And I picked up a twig in my teeth and chewed it a little and then jammed it into the cheap cage lock so he couldn't do his Houdini trick, and turned and flounced off towards the next cage, which would in itself have been a pretty good move, if I hadn't slipped and fallen again on my tush. Parrot cackles followed.

Subject: RE: Summer Story:Incredible Mudcat Journey
From: MMario
Date: 17 Jun 01 - 02:38 PM

Caruso watched as evil incarnate stalked it's way over to his cage. He could have released himself at any time, he'd learned how to do that minor trick before he had first fledged. But sure as sunflower seeds came in a shell; he had been certain he smelled feline and here was the living proof!

Not that he was afraid to take on a cat in a fair fight, but the risk of breaking a feather was just a little too great. A parrot of his standing had an appearance to keep up, after all, and he had just managed to finish preening everything back into place after the tumble from the plane. His first flight under auxilairy power and look what had happened! If Mother Nature had intended birds to ride in airplanes, she wouldn't have given them wings - that's what he had always contended.

"BAD CAT! BAD MUFFY! he called out in human. He wasn't quite positive what the words meant, but he knew froim previous experience they would annoy the furry fiend no end. As soon as the words fell from his beak though, he realized perhaps it was not the correct tactic to take - given that there were no signs of caretakers about.

Subject: RE: Summer Story:Incredible Mudcat Journey
From: Peter T.
Date: 17 Jun 01 - 02:29 PM

[Forget the praise, start contributing, ol' Buddy. Surely you must have an animal up your sleeve?.... yours, Peter T.]

Subject: RE: Summer Story:Incredible Mudcat Journey
From: Amos
Date: 17 Jun 01 - 02:24 PM

What I meant to say was, "LOL! Peter T, you never cease to amaze!!! Bravo!"

A

Subject: RE: Summer Story:Incredible Mudcat Journey
From: Peter T.
Date: 17 Jun 01 - 01:53 PM

If you worked at it you could avoid some of the bigger bits of rain, since the tree cover was pretty dense, but there were rivulets here and there which did nothing for my disposition, or all the work I had done on my claws over the past few dull hours droning over wherever it was we were. There were a lot of dank acidic smells coming up from the ground, which was not unlike the old litter box on a bad day, but with real PineSol. I gingerly made my way over to an overturned cage out of which came what sounded like giggling. I peeked in, and what did I see but three guinea pigs wrestling with each other, oblivious.

"Whoo, what a ride, what a tumble, smash, amazing!" said the most subdued of the trio.
"Look, Ralph, Morning, cat!" said another.
"Whoo," added the third, unimaginatively.
"Good morning," I said, doing my best, "You seem to be doing alright. My name's Mu-- Marlene."
"Cracking good name that, " said the first who was somewhat older than the other two , "I'm -- who am I?"
"You're Ralph!" piped up the second. "I'm Roister."
"Wollops to that," interjected the third, "You're Doister, I'm Roister, or is it Ralph? Makes no never mind, where are we?"
"Somewhere in the North. We fell out of the plane." I interjected.
"Fell?" said Ralph (for the purposes of exposition), "Catapulted, more like it! The old Heave Ho!!!"
And they all fell about giggling, and then began to wrestle with each other again for the fun of it.
I got tired just watching them. Guinea pigs. My god. They were going to last about 2 minutes out here, which is after all usually longer than they last in your average suburban kids room. When I think guinea pigs, I think dustpan and the old garbage pail of death. They weren't going to be much use, except maybe to throw at a grizzly bear for a tenth of a second munchie distraction.
I picked my way in the dampness over to the next cage.

Subject: RE: Summer Story:Incredible Mudcat Journey
From: Amos
Date: 16 Jun 01 - 11:28 AM

Subject: Summer Story:Incredible Mudcat Journey
From: Peter T.
Date: 16 Jun 01 - 08:32 AM

This isn't going to start out well, but what the hell. My name is Muffy. I have worked on it. Muffie has a little of that French whatever, but when you come right down to it, it is Muffy. Sometimes Mufflet. I mean really. In truth, I am a Marlene, or a Hedy. Who thinks up these kudzu names? Humans. I remember quite well the universal condemnation of the name "Muffy" at the International Cat Conference, and what effect did it have? Zero. Humans. What can you do? Can't live with them, can't live without them. Which is where this story comes in.

Sometime around last fall, the dimbulb humans I somehow found myself owning in this lifetime started PLANNING THEIR VACATION. Sweet though they are, they need lots of pictures, if you get my drift. So for weeks the place was littered with brochures, maps, etc. Shiny paper. Not the best to roll around in, but will do in a pinch. And then their neighbours, who are not exactly on my Christmas gift list, because they bought a (spit) dog for their children last Christmas -- Merry Christmas, Muffy, stay indoors for the next 20 years, I don't think so. Dog and I reached an arrangement, involving threats of mutual assured destruction, that has kept the peace in our time. Where was I? Oh yes, the neighbours got into the act, and then some other friends of theirs got into the act, and they had slide shows, and pooled their pretty substantial resources, and decided to go all out and fly into the Great White North, rent a big chalet, and fish and play Scrabble, the usual stupid human tricks. And so they chartered a plane, and it was a big adventure, and they began bumping into each other with boxes and fishing tackles, and to tell you the truth it was not bad for a cat. To really ball up fishing tackle is one of life's great pleasures: not in the league with el Tombo, the hot tom 3 streets over with whom I have spent many an evening counting constellations, but not a bad way to pass an afternoon.

I should say that while no one is smarter than a lady cat in many ways -- don't get me started on male cats -- we do have our limitations. Animals -- and here I speak for most of the kingdom, as I usually do -- are pretty bright by and large, but except for those migrating butterflies and the highflying geese (by the way, try not to spend an evening with geese, don't say I didn't warn you) we don't tend to think too far ahead. We are like movie stars: oh, I thought I recognised you, my husband, right? sort of thing. So it was very late on in this process that it began to dawn on me that we were not exactly talking about a summer of mint juleps for yours truly, but THE CAGE IN THE VET. Oh, they burble on about it, and how spacious it is, but basically we are talking Sing Sing here. No conversation, unbelievable smell, and the company is unfortunate, not to put too fine a point on it. And so I was bracing for the worst. Little did I know that I would soon be praying for a nice vet needle in the rear and 3 nutriously balanced and dreary meals a day.

For lo and behold, it turned out that the kids, bless their greedy narcissistic hearts, couldn't live without their beloved Muffy (hate that name, Marlene, Marlene, Marlene) or Roofie, or whatever for the whole summer. Have I mentioned that the parents were loaded with money, but seriously short on parenting skills? Well, anyway, after scenes of whining and carrying on that would have embarrassed jackals and hyenas, they got their way, as they always did, and all us pets were boxed up, and put into the cargo hold of this pretty snazzy plane, and before you could say Bombed Alaska we were off into the North.

I confess that the cargo hold of a plane is not exactly the best place to get a sense of the wilderness, but after a few hours of droning along, what comes to mind is that it needs a dose of editing. It was also pitch black and noisy in the hold, and sometime along the way, we hit a storm. Again, it is important to note that, strong upholder of animal rights though I am -- mice being an exception because they are so tasty, and nothing that tasty can have rights, I mean would you give chocolate rights against being eaten? I rest my case -- where was I? -- oh, yes, what I was going to say is that animals are not great in storms. Not exactly stalwart. So all kinds of howling and whatnot breaks out, and the plane swoops and turns, and we howl and shriek, and it is all pretty turbulent, and then all of a sudden, the cargo door flaps open. This is interesting, because through the bars on my travelling box I can now see endless forests, and rain pouring down, and lightning and thunder, and it is pretty good. It sort of brings out the jungle cat -- bring on the forest primeval!!! Which is far and away the stupidest thing I have ever thought or said, ranking with the microwave episode, when -- oh never mind -- because at that precise moment the plane swerved low over the forest as if it were going to land, and all the boxes in the cargo hold slid out of the cargo hold and into the forest primeval!!!!

Actually, we were in the air for some time, turning and tumbling over, and then we hit the top of some trees, and turned and tumbled some more, and finally crunched onto the ground. The crash popped open my cage, and apart from some cosmetic bruises, I seemed to be O.K. Littered around me were boxes of stuff, among which were obviously (given the indelicate noises) some other pets, including (alas) Dog.

Apart from everything else it was wet. The rain sluiced down into the forest. Big forest. Big dark forest. Big dark forest a zillion miles away from home. Or vacation spot. Or anywhere, as far as I could tell. I looked up into the pouring rain, and what did I see but the snazzy plane regaining altitude and disappearing into a cloudbank. Hey, wait for us!!! Yeah, right.

I decided to go and check out who else had suddenly become part of the road company of the Last of the Mohicans.