BS: making a complaint

Subject: RE: BS: making a complaint
From: Metchosin
Date: 16 Jan 04 - 12:49 PM

Actually, citizens in the UK are very spoiled when it comes to telephone service. According to Telus, here in B.C., (The current CEO is a recent arrival from the UK) some of the telephone repairs and service hook-ups here, may take as long as 30 years. How's that for honesty in the land of corporate monopoly. For clarification, Saturna Island is within a 30 mile radius of Victoria and Vancouver, not in the vast northern hinterland.

The Telus Wars or a Testament to Canadian Patience

Subject: RE: BS: making a complaint
From: Little Hawk
Date: 16 Jan 04 - 09:28 AM

Wonderful letter, brid widder, absolutely wonderful.

Subject: RE: BS: making a complaint
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 16 Jan 04 - 08:29 AM

Weirdo list is favourite, Sandra:-) I never heard any more but knowing our local council it does not realy surprise me. They have proved over and over again that they are inefficient. As the saying goes - If you pay peanuts you get monkeys!

Cheers

:D

Subject: RE: BS: making a complaint
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 16 Jan 04 - 08:00 AM

Dave - wot a beauty, did it work? Did you get a response? Perhaps an apology?

Or are you now on their weirdo list?

sandra

Subject: RE: BS: making a complaint
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 15 Jan 04 - 10:35 AM

I was just looking through my old correspondance and found the following letter which I sent to our local council in response to a failed credit control cycle. Hope you enjoy it:-)

The Debt Recovery Group
Civic Centre
Chorley Road
Swinton
Manchester        M27 5AW

Reference Account 6525, Invoice 501125666


Dear Sir or Madam

I received a letter from your department dated 5 Mar 2001, a copy of which is attached. As the writer appears to have acquired the habit of capitalising random phrases, in the manner of a 1950's comic book, I trust you will have no objection to me replying in like manner.

I have received NO SUCH repeated requests as referred to in the document. I suggest that until you can confirm that such requests have in fact BEEN DELIVERED you should refrain from making POINTLESS THREATS about credit ratings, county courts and interest charges. What is more it would make more of an impact if you were to GET THE FACTS RIGHT before beginning any legal actions. Attention to such minor details as presenting the CORRECT NAME would certainly help.

I suppose it is too much to hope that the council to whom I pay my local taxes, PROMPTLY, by DIRECT DEBIT, would consider looking at the overall credit history of a debtor prior to issuing such ridiculous correspondence. This would entail PEOPLE CO-OPERATING. From what I have seen of the City of Salford this would seem to be to be beyond their limited capabilities.

As I did not trust your processes to work correctly on receipt of this letter, because they have OBVIOUSLY FAILED in your credit control cycle, I have paid the bill anyway. Had I have received even one reminder PRIOR TO THIS NOTICE you would have received the payment far earlier.

Trusting that you will ensure that timely reminders are sent earlier in future and that you will find this correspondence as humorous as I found yours.

Yours sincerely


David POLSHAW

Subject: RE: BS: making a complaint
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 13 Jan 04 - 03:36 PM

NTL are getting worse though, Kevin. I took 6 weeks for them to reset the permissions on my web space - although I told them exactly what the problem was on the first call! It took not one but two letters of complaint before it was resolved. Non as good as the above though:-)

They have also closed the unhelpfull desk for TV services at the times you need it most - evenings and weekends!

My classic was at Marks and Spencers in Salford just after the IRA bomb had blown up the Manchester store. I took back a pair of trousers that had gone 'knobly' down the outside of one leg after a matter of 3 or 4 weeks. The woman on the desk suggested that it was fair wear and tear. When I pointed out that fair wear and tear would affect the whole garment she said that I must use one leg more than the other - honestly!

At that point I, with a completely strait face, commented that the IRA seemed to have destroyed the wrong store! She went all sorts of shades of purple and called a manager. Who, upon listening to why I had made the comment, told her in no uncertain terms to refund my money and give me a £10 gift voucher for my trouble:-)

Good old M&S

:D

Subject: RE: BS: making a complaint
From: Cluin
Date: 13 Jan 04 - 03:07 PM

The beaver dam correspondence, a classic.

Subject: RE: BS: making a complaint
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 13 Jan 04 - 12:51 PM

Who said the British don't know how to complain ??

Who indeed? What with Victor Meldrew being a national hero and role model, it's rather the done thing.

Subject: RE: BS: making a complaint
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 13 Jan 04 - 12:49 AM

H.L. Mencken's stock reply to complaints:

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am sitting in the smallest room in my house with your letter before me. Soon it will be behind me.

Subject: RE: BS: making a complaint
From: Leadfingers
Date: 12 Jan 04 - 11:05 PM

Folkiedave-- WHERE did you find that absolutely brilliant clickie ???
Who said the British dont know how to complain ??

Subject: RE: BS: making a complaint
From: Walking Eagle
Date: 12 Jan 04 - 06:44 PM

Good one Jeri. Glad you kept your sense of humor.

Subject: RE: BS: making a complaint
From: Metchosin
Date: 12 Jan 04 - 06:22 PM

Well, I for one, certainly admire John's restraint. This reminds me of the vitriol that occassionally flows from the pen or keyboard of my husband. I recall one complaint he lodged by email, that he signed "digitally yours", with no doubt regarding the attendant hand gesture.

Subject: RE: BS: making a complaint
From: Jeri
Date: 12 Jan 04 - 05:38 PM

I used to deal with complaints. As a food facility and food inspector, people would bring us problem foods. One time I closely inspected the 'bug' somebody found in her bread and bit it in half. Sometimes, bread from the previous loaf doesn't come out of the pan, sticks to the next loaf and gets more brown. It was a pretty rude thing for me to do - she nearly fainted - but while I instantly regretted the momentary anguish it caused her, it was funny.

Someone once called and left a LONG anonymous message on our answering machine, calling into question the practices of a food facility. What finally cracked me up was her description of what they were calling 'chicken'. Well it was chicken (we inspected it before the restaurant ever saw it) - it never chased a mouse in its life, but when we called the place to investigate, it seems someone recently got fired and was most likely getting even. The message was funny as hell (although not meant to be), and we kept it on the machine for a few weeks.

Subject: RE: BS: making a complaint
From: Walking Eagle
Date: 12 Jan 04 - 05:26 PM

I dunno. Sometimes twits are twits and need to be reminded of such. My used cat litter I sent to an offending company got the desired results though. Be glad that you 'furriners' can still send things like that. Us Americuns got the Sword of Damecles (U S Patriot Act)danglin'over our heads by one skinny, frayed hair.

W.E.

Subject: RE: BS: making a complaint
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 12 Jan 04 - 03:56 PM

The best kind of complaining letter, from a practical point of view, is the kind where you write one paragraph, and they have to spend week researching the answer, because otherwise they are worried they could be in real trouble.

Not such fun to write or read of course. Perhaps the thing to do is write the fun one to hgte it out of your system, and remind you of all the details, and then bin it, or post it on the Internet somewhere. And then write the killer one-paragraph one.

Subject: RE: BS: making a complaint
From: Folkiedave
Date: 12 Jan 04 - 02:03 PM

And this was once sent to me by a friend. BT comes in for some real stick on this one!!

Dave
www.collectorsfolk.co.uk

http://www.thehumorarchives.com/humor/0000810.html

Subject: RE: BS: making a complaint
From: Jeri
Date: 12 Jan 04 - 01:44 PM

I've rarely seen a better command of adverbiage.

Subject: RE: BS: making a complaint
From: Peace
Date: 12 Jan 04 - 01:42 PM

Great. LOL

Subject: RE: BS: making a complaint
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Jan 04 - 01:30 PM

"Dear Mr./Mrs./Ms Brid Widder:

"Than you for your recent letter about our service. It is always pleasant to hear from our satisfied customers. Thank you for writing.

"John J. Answerer, Public Relations, NTL."

Subject: RE: BS: making a complaint
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 12 Jan 04 - 01:29 PM

On the other hand, I've always found ntl a pretty reliable service and the helpline people reasonably knowledgeable and helpful.

Subject: RE: BS: making a complaint
From: kendall
Date: 12 Jan 04 - 01:22 PM

I realy do admire articulate people

Subject: RE: BS: making a complaint
From: Sorcha
Date: 12 Jan 04 - 01:22 PM

Priceless!

Subject: BS: making a complaint
From: brid widder
Date: 12 Jan 04 - 01:18 PM

if & when you need to make a complaint how difficult is it?.... well I believe in calling a spade a shovel but don't think I could be as articulate or expressive as in the following...

The British do have a way with words.... A real-life customer
complaint

letter sent to NTL (from their complaints dept....)

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.

During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate your internet servers downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend.

I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then be redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver- any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief -quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

- John